X Factor Live Show 2: Live Blog

It's week two, and I'm already bored. That bodes well...

Our theme for this week is Love and Heartache. Or in other words, snooooooooze fest. Seriously, whither the Wagner? Wherebe the Jedward? Will Sharon at least throw something at someone? Entertain us, for the love of Jebus.

Dermot is wearing slightly looser trousers this week, but is still doing the Flash dance thing.

I think the show needs to commit and have everyone dressed as characters from Flash Gordon next week. 

Sam The Girl is up first, so of course her song is all about her husband, complete with wedding pictures (where she looked gorgeous, to be fair). She's singing Make You Feel My Love - so check Adele song off your bingo cards for this week. While she's obviously got a great voice, she doesn't have the personality in it that someone like Adele has, so it's a bit boring.

Of course the judges love it. Gary says she manages to take the bar up another level this week, it was stripped back and great. Nicole pronounces her name weird, but says it left her lukewarm and she didn't have the right tone. Louis calls her ScrewBo (seriously, like I'm not making this up), says she's going to be around for a long time and made it her own. Sharon shouts at Nicole and Sam says she doesn't want to be a one trick pony. Yeah, whatever, I'm more concerned about my dinner right now than what's going on here so STEP IT UP X Factor.

Kingsland Road are up next, and apparently the VT this week will be all about them going to the England game, in what seemed to be a desperate attempt to make them look less effeminate. Apparently they're doing Bruno Mars' Marry You. Literally the most awful, unromantic song ever, about someone who seems to put as much thought into a marriage proposal as most people do into choosing their laundry detergent.

But anyway, apparently they were all awkward idiots around the female dancers, and so far their performance is just them running around the place, till their 'brides' come out. Between the wedding bells over it, and the white ticker tape, it just sounds Christmassy to me. Although I actually like Christmas, so....

Also, apparently Louis caught the bouquet. Yeeaaaahhhhh.

Nicole likes it but criticises Gary for them not having any lead vocals. Louis loves it all, and says that him and Gary know more about boybands than anyone else on the panel - Gary's reaction to this is priceless. He looks like he vommed in his mouth a little. Much as the rest of us did...Sharon loves it and Gary goes on about their work ethic. Always a light entertainment winner, that one.

Dermot calls Louis Mr Lover-Lover, which makes us all vom again, and Nicholas is next. And he's singing Robbie Williams' She's The One. Uggggghhhhhhhhh. Apparently Nicholas is having trouble because he's never been in love, so because he has a crush on Nicole, they arrange for her to come and hug him and him to sing the song for her. That's....a little bit weird.

Then, to make it even weirder, some girl shows up at the end just as he's pointing to Nicole. Sharon calls the girl who showed up on stage a paedophile. Well, she actually calls her a paedeophile. Gary says he has an amazing voice, and that the performance was weird with the walking dead dancers who were wandering around. Nicole loves him and calls him natural and understated, and calls him easy on the eyes. AGAIN WITH THE EUWWWWWWWW. Louis calls him Baby Buble and goes on about the likeability factor. Another few checks off the bingo card then.

Abi is next and apparently she was majorly nervous last week, and apparently the cure to this is Nicole taking her bowling. I think Nicole would be better off trying to rid the poor girl of her headband affliction. Anyway, she's standing up this week and singing Kylie's I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head amongst a load of twirly umbrellas. Walking down the stairs seems to be scaring the shit out of her though, and given that I can fall while standing still, I feel her pain. However, she really can't get those high notes. It's just not suited to her voice and her range at all. The rest of the song is okish, but they're going to tear her apart for this. Not a good showcase of what she's about at all.

Louis says he's not crazy about it and she's better doing the singer-songwriter thing and that he can't get it out of his head for the wrong reasons. Sharon calls the judges all nuts, says it was a big risk for her, a very brave move, and that she needs more confidence. Gary says it was brave but it was a bit sleepy and something missing, but liked the creativity of it. Nicole says she much preferred her version over the original and calls her a hot tamale.

I want a sandwich. Can anyone help me out with that? Preferably some sort of toasted sandwich with melty cheese, and lots of meat. And maybe some fries.

James Arthur is in the audience and seriously needs to lay off the make up/fake tan/whatever it is. He looks weird. Being pasty-faced suits him better.

Anyway, Shelley is next and says she wants people to see that she's a nice person. Love, this isn't a nice person contest. The problem is you're completely inappropriate for the show. Apparently she's going to let out the fox or the beast, or some combination of both, doing Single Ladies by Beyonce. Of course, she manages to make it sound dated and awkward and about as current as Linda Martin doing Daft Punk

(ok, actually it's not that bad, but who needs an excuse to link that video). Ok, I do kinda love her personality, she's hilarious and everything, but she's never going to be a popstar.

Gary wishes her a happy 22nd birthday and is gobsmacked and says it wasn't for him. Which is about the nicest thing he could say. Nicole loves her energy but calls it sch-weird. Sch-seriously. Louis thinks she should be in Hairspray on the West End stage. Sharon asks everyone to vote for it, and Dermot brings her a cupcake with a candle in it for her birthday.

Miss Dynamix are being give a bye to next week cos Cece (the preggers one) got sick right before the show and was shipped off to hospital and the others couldn't learn the song as a duo in time. Depending on who goes tomorrow night, this could cause a bit of a stir (though obvs she's pregnant and they have to make sure she's ok, and it was literally right before the show so it's understandable that the other two couldn't change everything about in time).

Another break and I'm still waiting for that sandwich.

Sam, Sam, the Maybelline Man is up next and he's gurning that the other judges are complaining about his weak vocals. Well that's what you get for being a mediocre singer, innit. This week it's just him on a stool (well, he is Louis's contestant after all), on a light box, singing I Won't Give Up weakly, at least until the key change.

Sharon says he did really well. Gary gives him credit for taking a risk and says it's a massive improvement. Nicole says pretty much the same thing and Louis calls him the hardest working contestant he knows and a ready made pop star.

We've got Tamera next and her and Nicole bond over having holy grandparents. Come to Ireland, love, you can't throw a stone without hitting a holy Joe granny.

Anyway, she's got a fringe this week and looks a lot more like Rihanna than I've ever noticed before. She's singing Beneath Your Beautiful and it's definitely looking like she's gonna be the stand out from this series. You can practically see the pound signs in all the judges' eyes. As Louis says, she's got it all. Sharon agrees and tells her to do everything Nicole tells her, and says it was perfect. Gary says she's a superstar. Nicole goes on about how controlled her voice was etc etc. My comment is that that outfit would be better if it was a dress rather than a jumpsuit. Why are we still doing the jumpsuit, seriously?!

Luke Friend and his unwashed hair are next. I'm starting to really loathe this wee fella and I don't even know why. Just the mere mention of him gets me a bit ragey.

OMG they have that weirdo who auditioned with the picture of his cat in the audience. I never realised how much he looked like Mickey Flanagan before....

Luke is next and apparently his mum is basically stalking him. She's just desperate to wash his hair.

He's singing Let Her Go by Passenger, in a boat. Good song choice for him, but doesn't give him much chance to put his own stamp on it as it's not that different from the original. I still fail to see what's meant to be so amazingly original and individual and brilliant about him. Apparently any male acts on this show who don't look like boyband members are 'real artists' and amazing and unique just cos they're not that pretty. That was seriously not impressive.

Sharon says she has an awful soft spot for him, and loves his 'ooh-oohs' but also wants to know wtf is up with the boats, lining up Louis for the 'because he's sailing through to next week' joke. Gary says he was missing his edge (HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE ONE, GARY) but it was good. Nicole starts going on about edge and balls and various other things that don't make sense. Sch-unhinged. Louis is so busy being pleased with his boat joke that he just rambles something about him being great or whatever and loving his voice. Blah, blah, who gives a shit.

According to the app that judges the judges' critques, the public think Gary is making the right calls. Louis is only on 4%. Ha.

Rough Copy are next and apparently the pressure is on cos Nicole called them the best band on the show ever last week. Kaz talks a lot about his son and the cute little kid comes running in during rehearsal - Jesus, it's just like Joseph Whelan is back.

They're doing I Want It That Way. I wish they had done End Of The Road by Boyz II Men, cos I love it - entirely because of The OC. And let's face it, it is a better song. Had they done that with a video in the background of Seth and Summer, I think we can all agree they would win the whole show.

"Are you listening to Boyz II Men?" "I can think of no sadder song in the whole world"

Nicole says they took a Backstreet Boys song and turned it into a Boyz II Men song, but to watch their pitch. Louis is loving them. Sharon is also mad about them, and Gary says everyone is asking about them.

Anyway, Hannah is closing the show and is feeling self conscious about her size so goes shopping with Nicole. I can't imagine anything more depressing than shopping with someone as skinny and gorgeous as Nicole, unless she was willing to shove pillows down her trousers and not wear any make up.

Hannah is singing Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, which I have to say, is not really a love song. And they did not choose a very flattering dress for Hannah, especially given the steps she has to walk up. However, given the power and soul she sings with, who gives a fuck what she's wearing? A lot of people are told they have soul on this show, she's one of the few where it's actually true.

Louis says she's amazing and it's hard to believe she's only 16 - to which Hannah kinda grits through her teeth "seventeen", lol. Sharon says she's beautiful and amazing, and they all basically throw huge amounts of praise on her. Gary says the tone she has can't be taught and she sung for her life and all those other cliches. Nicole goes on about having face goosebumps and almost cries. Hannah then cries a bit too and says she was singing it for everyone who feels insecure etc etc. She really does seem to be an incredibly genuine girl, I hope she lasts a good bit longer in this competition, cos I think she gets overshadowed by some of the others even though she's actually miles better than them.

So, that's all the acts and the Flash Vote is open. I guess they're gonna have some time to fill given that one of the acts didn't perform. Dermot asks all of them how they're feeling, and there is far too much use of the word "blessed".

We have to wait till after the break to find out who's in the bottom two tomorrow, and there's a super creepy ad with dancing babies.

We're back and so far the boys are all safe, as are the girls, so I think there's a good chance Shelley is going home tomorrow night. Except that weirdly, the Overs are safe. They literally cannot believe it and aren't even sure that's what happened for a few seconds and Gary's got a pure rage face on. Kingsland Road are in the sing-off tomorrow night. Oooh. I'm literally in the middle of my seat.

Results show tomorrow with Katy Perry and Robin Thicke. Lol, that should be interesting.

Till next week, I bid you adieu!

I'm with Mitt stupid

So I guess by this point we've all seen that Mitt Romney - as of last night, the official Republican nominee for the 2012 US presidential election - has launched an iPhone app which mis-spells America as Amercia. And, as you can imagine, I'm having waaaaay too much fun with this. Here are just a few - something tells me I might be spending a lot of my time today doing this...

Update:

I couldn't resist adding some more...

Why is Bruno Mars?

Seriously, just why?

His stupid, piece of crap song Marry You is on the radio. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THAT THEY LIKE THIS SHIT? "I think I wanna marry you". Oh really? You think, huh? Well, that's nice. That's what every girl wants to hear in a love song written about her. I have the same conviction and depth of feelings towards you as I do towards that pasta sauce I bought for dinner a few days ago and haven't eaten yet. I think I might have it tonight, we'll see. THAT IS NOT A SUFFICIENT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT IN A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, BRU-BRU.

Apart from his stupid crappy songs and his stupid ridiculous lyrics, I think it's the stupid smug look on his stupid face that annoys me the most. Although, obvs, there are a lot of things to choose from. But seriously, look at him:

How is it possible to not want to smack that face everytime you see it? In fact, I just got distracted at work and have come back to this post a few hours after I started it and I *still* want to slap him. That's longevity of irritation, that is.

But since I'm now distracted by a pretty new coat and boots I got for a fiver (srsly, 5 quid for boots - I don't care if they fall apart after 3 wears!), I shall leave poor Bru-bru alone. FOR NOW.....

This seems somewhat apt today...

Spies 'n' Shit - Spooks S10E02 Review

Finally getting around to episode 2 of the last series of Spooks. I will spell this out now, loud and clear - if Harry and Ruth don't end up alright at the end of this series, I will cut a bitch.

Stay safe guyz!!!!

Anyway - it's been a while since I've watched the first episode, so the "Previously..." is actually quite helpful for once. It reminds us that Harry had a relationship with the wife of a bent Russian minister who was spying for the West, and fathered her son, who isn't exactly Harry's biggest fan. This is all rather bad timing, because the UK wants to have a 'special relationship' with the Ruskies, and America is all I DON'T THINK SO.

We start with Elena (Harry's baby mama) calling him but saying nothing before hanging up and removing the SIM card from the phone, which is a message to meet. Then, we have Tarik doing some encrypting bizniz with files at Thames House, while some presumably bad guys suit up for what one can only assume are Bad Things. And indeed, Calum (douche from episode one, who was carrying a briefcase with Tariq's special secret files in) promptly gets mugged outside.

A bit like this. Except they didn't steal his camera phone.

Erin starts giving out orders for people to brief and look for things and what not. Apparently it was part of their weekly share with MI6, and for a reason I don't quite understand, they deleted the files off the main server once they were done encrypting them and putting them into the laptop that just got nicked. They were personnel files (for added verisimilitude they really have been left on a train) and includes an asset working within a dodgy Russian oil company - of which Gavrik (bent Russian, married to Elena) owns part. Whoopsie indeed.

At this point, Ruth enters to tell them that it's on the internet that the laptop was stolen, and Dimitri sees that the thieves are threatening to decrypt the files and tell the world what's on them. Tariq, like any good nerd, is mostly concerned with the claim that they can break his encryption, at which point Calum The Douche is all douchey and what not. They aren't too keen to pull their assets before they have to, so the idea is to stop the thieves blabbing first.

I don't know what their plan for finding the hackers is, I can only assume it was something like this.

Ruth then starts Ruthing it up with Harry, asking about Elena and saying that they need to talk about Sasha, their son. To which Harry sharply replies 'No we don't'. Dude, less of the 'tude. He then goes and Harrys in his office for a bit. For which read, stares into the distance, looking vaguely perturbed.

A bit like this...

...and this...

...and this, basically.

Next we see Sasha in his hotel room/suite/whatever. Someone with a weird beard enters and he hides with an umbrella (!) for protection but it turns out to just be one of his security detail buddies coming to give him a job or something, and they joke about poisoned umbrellas. 'Classic', they say. Yeah. Totally classic. *eyeroll*. Anyway - turns out that the job is an unregistered phone at their delegation's headquarters - Elena's, clearly. Sasha looks uncomfortable. I think looking like you might have just shit your pants but don't want to admit to it is the main audition requirement for this show.

Back to Thames House and they're too late, as one asset is leaked all over the internet. It's at this point that I'm being distracted by Erin's hair. I can't figure out what exactly I find so distracting about it, though. More on that later.

Harry tells Erin to get Martha Ford (the asset in the Russian oil company) to get as much on Gavrik as possible before she's burned. They agree not to tell her she's in danger, and to get ready to pull her asap if and when necessary. We get some more odd looks from Erin - it's hard to tell if it's bad acting, a red herring, or if we should be suspicious of her. In hindsight, I think that was meant to be discomfort on her part about having to lie to Martha. Bitch, if you can't stand the heat get out of the spy business.

I think this would have been a better choice for head of Section D.

 

Whitehall and a meeting between Harry and the Home Sec. The Home Sec isn't too happy about this - it would be disastrous for them if it gets spread all over the papers that they've been spying on the Russians, even though the Russians know about the spying anyway. And the UK knows that the Russians know. And I think maybe the Russians know that the UK knows that the Russians know? Who knows at this point. The Home Sec is being pissy with Harry, as if Harry left the information in a bin in St James' Park or something. Ahem. (Google "Oliver Letwin bin" at this point if I've lost you). Harry is all passive-aggressive back and notes that the safety of the assets is also at stake. The Home Sec couldn't care less, natch. He's all about keeping the Russians happy.

Sasha goes to see his ma and asks if she called Harry. He tells her that he knows she's a spy (but he obviously doesn't know Harry is his father), and asks for the phone that Harry gave her. She gives him the SIM, he tells her to leave the hotel and not come back till the evening. She comes over all maternal and tells him not to put himself in danger - which he aptly points out, she already took care of. Silly cow.

Ruth is at Thames House and looking wistfully at the files of the Gavriks. So, being Ruth, basically.

Something like this...

...and this...

...and this. You get the idea.

 
Dimitri is looking for one of the assets to take him in, but he's gone off the radar. Because he's lying dead in his bedroom, as Dimitri soon finds. Harry wants him to make it look like a suicide to keep the murder off the front pages.

Next, Erin is meeting with Martha the Asset, and tells her to log on as Gavrik to her company's server and steal his files. Martha doesn't seem so up for it, but Erin talks her into it, without telling her the kind of danger she's in.

Back to Dead Asset's flat (which is well posh, btw), and Dimitri and Calum faking the suicide. Dimitri makes Calum clean up the blood in the bedroom, which Calum moans about ('Why do I alwys get body fluids duty?' - lol, and euw). Because he's a douche. And cos he's the new boy, as Dimitri points out. Heh.

FSB London HQ next (I have trouble not reading that as the Federation of Small Businesses) and Sasha is looking all moody and shit. Beardy spy guy from before is there, and Sasha tries to head him off. Beardy Weirdy tells him that they think someone at the hotel called MI5. Sasha tries to convince Beardy Weirdy to team up with him and find out who it was themselves, before going to their superiors (to protect his mother, obvs), which BW agrees to.

Beardy weirdy.

 Martha is back at work at her oil company and is trying to access Gavrik's files, but needs an executive terminal to do it. We see the age-old rush to download files as the person whose computer she is using fast approaches. She gets the files just in time, and pretends she was leaving a note for him. He then introduces her to his mate - Gavrik, who insists she stay and sit in on the meeting they're about to have. Tension!!

Next we see that despite their best efforts, Dimitri and Calum The Douche seem to have been seen leaving the flat of Dead Asset Man after faking his suicide - according to the internet, anyway. Harry realises that MI5 is being framed, just as Martha's details hit the web. Erin comes back from her meeting with Martha to this news, and calls her to pull her out. Martha pretends her granny fell and she needs to leave (lamest excuse ever? If you'll pardon the pun, that is), but Gavrik is looking at her all suspicious-like. As she's trying to leave the building, the other bloke in the meeting gets a call that she's a spy, which Gavrik says he knew. Martha is in the lobby and trying to leave, but her picture is plastered all over the plasma screens on the news. This bit is fairly tense - she seems like a very nice, normal, not-spy type of person, so you do feel for her. Especially when she wasn't told she was in danger. Aww, etc. She leaves the USB stick that Gavrik's files are on in a plant thing in the lobby. She doesn't answer Erin's calls (Erin was coming to pick her up) as she hurries through the streets. Erin and Dimitri realise that if Erin is planning to go on the run she'll have to go home to get her passport, so Erin heads off there.

Martha gets home to 17 messages on her answer machine and starts frantically packing a bag. She has a lovely house too, btw. Erin gets to Martha's about the same time as some bad dudes in a van. Martha knows Erin lied to her and is well pissed, trying to escape her. As Erin is trying to convince her that she has her best interests at heart, the bad dudes get to the door, and the girls run out the back.

Back at the grid, and Tariq is trying to trace the hackers. Calum is being a dick to him - again, and Tariq has had enough. Go Tariq! He has a go at Calum for taking the piss all the time and Calum looks like he feels like a dick. Good. I like Tariq. Tariq is cool. Calum is not. That's why he's Calum The Douche.

Tariq=cool. We already know what Calum equals.

Sasha is at the hotel and has a list of names and room numbers. He goes into room 416, which I think belongs to some random staffer? It's not very clear. Anyway, he goes into the room and plants the SIM card in a phone in the room and turns it on (meaning the guys back at FSB HQ can now trace the phone to its exact location).

Erin has taken Martha to an MI5 safehouse. Martha tells her that she dumped the data to avoid getting caught with it, Erin leaves to go and 'fix it'. But before she leaves, she gives Martha the keys to the safehouse. Which seems like an odd thing to do, given that Martha was a flight risk all of five minutes ago. Even odder, when we see Martha fondling the keys and looking strangely into the distance as Erin leaves. I have no clue what that was about. Smell the fart acting at its best, folks.

Oooh, topical!!!

Beardy Weirdy has found the phone, but doesn't seem happy about it - he wants to know who all knew that he was looking for the phone. At which point Sasha calls him. He has shit timing. BW tells him he found the phone in room 216, at which point Sasha nearly shits a brick, but BW corrects himself and tells him it was in room 416. When he hangs up with Sasha, BW ends up following Elena through a crowd in London, as does Sasha - it's one of those slow montage scenes with heavy, mournful strings. As is Spooks' wont. Anyway, she's meeting Harry in a theatre where a ballet company are rehearsing, meaning we have a really famous piece of classical music soundtracking this scene but I can't for the life of me remember the bloody name of it.

Anyway - Harry is telling Elena that someone has been posing as him, sending her messages. She says whoever it was knows everything about her and Harry, and that they were asking questions about the partnership between the UK and Russia. She told them everything she knew because she thought she was talking to Harry. BW and Sasha are both at the theatre - BW leaves after seeing Elena with Harry, and Sasha runs after him, asking if he's called it in yet, which he says he has. Sasha thinks he's talking a load of balls, though, cos BW is ascared of Sasha's da. They then have quite the bust-up in the corridor of the theatre, intercut with the ballerinas dancing and the music getting rather loud. More tension!

Elena tells Harry that Sasha knows about her being a spy, which Harry already knows of course. He asks her what sort of a person Sasha is, to which she replies 'he's like you, in many ways'. Cut to Sasha killing Beardy Weirdy. Lol.

Harry thinks he knows who it is that's impersonating him. Elena says that although she regrets many things, having Harry's son isn't one of them. Ugh, angst. As he's leaving the theatre, Harry gets a call from Sasha to come to the backstage corridor, where he's just standing around with Beardy Weirdy's dead body on the ground. Dude, wouldn't you at least find a cupboard or something? FFS, like. Sasha blames BW's death on Harry, because he had seen Harry and Elena together and Sasha had to stop him. Sasha still doesn't believe that someone has been posing as Harry, but he needs Harry to help him get rid of the body and cover it up.

I know how you feel, buddy.

Harry arrives back at the grid, and Ruth follows him into his office to ask if he saw Elena. Harry tells Ruth he needs her to investigate his CIA friend Jim Coaver, who he believes to be the Fake Harry. Ruth is still pissed that Harry won't talk about the whole thing with Elena and Sasha. He says there's nothing to be done, 'I've tried'. He says he needs her, she's the only one he can tell about this to find out who's been impersonating him. She says she doesn't mind being dependable Ruth as long as he's telling her the truth. But then she knows she'll never get a straight answer to that anyway, so she goes off to do his bidding, while Harry looks like he doesn't know whether to vomit or cry.

Dear Calum...

Dimitri and Tariq decide to send the hackers something irresistible to try to find them. 'Uh-oh', says Calum, 'the Admiral's got a plan'. DOUCHE. So the section make up a whole load of crap about black ops, rendition and what not to send to the hackers. Ruth is worried that it'll make things worse but it's too late as they're taking the bait. Except that the hackers are doing a pretty good job of hiding their IP address. Until Tariq realises he can activate their web cam and get a pic of the person doing the hacking - who turns out to be a former MI5 agent gone dirty, Victor Elliot.

Harry goes off to find Elliot's office and take Erin with him. He gets there just as Elliot is leaving his office with the stolen laptop. Elliot says that he didn't steal the laptop, it was delivered to him by a 'benefactor'. He insists that he didn't go dirty, that the operation in Iraq (which he was canned for) was clean, and that he was set up to give a job to a company with connections to a high-ranking woman within the British intelligence community. I'm not sure at this point if we're meant to know who that is.

Harry is all 'whatever bitch' and tells him that he has to tell the world that it was all lies, and that the people outed as assets never had anything to do with MI5. Elliot is all 'bitch no', but they point out that it's his only hope to avoid prison, so he does it. Lame-dash-o. They still don't know who nicked the laptop in the first place. Harry is on the phoen to Ruth and asks her how she's getting on with investigating Coaver - she says she needs more to go on, but he just says 'I have faith in you' and hangs up. Harry, now you're acting like a douche. STOP IT. Ruth is looking through Coaver's file, then turns to another personnel file - Harry's. Dun dun duuuuuuunnn!!

Harry tells Erin that he believe's Elliot's story about Iraq, but that they'll sit on it for now. At which point Gavrik pulls up in a limo beside them and asks about Martha. He tells Harry to tie up the loose ends, which basically means get rid of Martha. Erin therefore goes back to the safehouse, but Martha isn't there. She calls in to have them search for her, but Martha comes in behind her - she had gone back for the USB stick. Erin explains that Martha can't go back to her old life, because the Russians still suspect her, and gives her money to go on the run. Martha gets pissed at her for not giving her any protection when she's spying for them for years and for lying to her. Poor Martha is left distraught as Erin walks out on her. Although she isn't cold about it, to be fair to her.

It's night, and Harry meets Coaver on the south bank opposite Westminster. Harry asks Coaver for help identifying the laptop thieves, but Coaver tells him that intelligence sharing between the US and UK is 'under review' because of the partnership with Russia.

I will continue to use this pic for references to CIA man Coaver. Because it is teh awesumz.

 

Back at the grid, Tariq is still trying to find out who stole the laptop by running face recognition on a bunch of computers. On his way home to continue searching from there, Calum finds a sarky way to ask if he wants to go for a drink, and Tariq sarks back in a way that suggests they're all mates now. Pity. I preferred it when Calum was a douche. I don't want to have to get to like him or anything. Though his face makes that fairly unlikely, so I think I'm good for now.

Erin is upset about burning Martha, and Harry gives her a pep talk about sacrificing others. Calum walks through the office, and Harry seems to look at him oddly through his window. It's a bit weird, but I can't tell if it was just a weird directing choice or not. Erin talks some shit about having a normal family life, whatever, I don't care. I guess her whole thing is going to be about how hard she is, and if she can really be cold and detached enough. Although you'd honestly think that would've been taken care of long before she rose to this position within MI5, but whatevs.

More qualified than Erin.

We see Tariq arrive home and set up a secure connection to Thames House to continue searching. Sasha is in BW's hotel room, clearing everything out as he's making it look like BW did a runner. Tariq is getting sleepy but he finds something on the CCTV footage - the handoff of the laptop from the hoods who mugged Calum to someone else, and another handover to someone else. Tariq makes a hurried call to Harry but there's a breach in his security and he realises that there's a bug in his router (which is the same as mine, fyi). He strips his phone, grabs the bug and runs out of his flat.

Harry gets a call that Tariq was trying to make an emergency contact to him, and Harry sends a team out to his house. But as Tariq is trying to make his way into Thames House, he bumps into someone, then winces in pain a few moments later in the taxi - it seems he's been injected with something. OH SHIT THEY BETTER NOT KILL TARIQ!!!!

Sasha, meanwhile, is dumping BW's stuff and car, but I could give a shit about that. Tariq stumbles out of the taxi at Thames House, struggling to breathe and falls to the ground. Calum is just leaving and finds him. Oh shit, he is gonna die, isn't he? After that speech he made to Calum earlier about how hard he had to work to get taken seriously and everything and them making up. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. STOP KILLING OFF THE GOOD ONES!! Calum starts doing CPR but it's in vain. Tariq is taty bread.*sniff*

FUCK THAT SHIT. Srsly, I'm well pissed right now. They couldn't keep him alive more than two episodes? FFS. BASTARDS. I'm pure raging. There's some shit about what happens next week, but who the hell cares.

X Factor - Results - The Live Blog!

Right, I'm multi-tasking like a boss this evening - out of the shower, hair washed, changing the bedsheets, sorting through drawers to chuck out old clothes AND live blogging (well, live +1 hour) the X Factor Results show. Therefore this might be a bit more concise than normal. You're welcome.

So, first of all we had no group performance tonight - I wonder how come that is? Are they not gonna do it every week this year? Also, when the judges came out, Tulisa was wearing a long sleeved dress, which meant no tattoo showing off thing. Which obviously means she read my blog last night. Obviously.

Kelly Clarkson is singing a song about how You Don't Know A Thing About Me. I think Janet, Sophie and Kitty are probably fighting about who gets to sing this one next week. I also have to say that Kelly looks very well - a lot better than a lot of the pics you tend to see of her in magazines.

Yet another recap now and reminders of the voting numbers. They showed some of the bitching about Misha B by Tulisa, which I still say was well out of order. She went on about how it's a competition and she has to be honest, but why the hell did she have to bring it up there? If there's an issue backstage then talk about it backstage, you don't need to bring up that shit on live tv like that. If Misha ends up in the last two, there'll be hell to pay.

Professor Green gives a pretty good performance - it's a bit odd watching something as 'real' (for want of a better word) as that on the X Factor. Doesn't seem right, somehow. 

Louis actually apologises for using the word bully about Misha, says it was just in the heat of the moment, blah blah, but he apologises with the sort of smile on his face that suggests he doesn't really give a shit. Tulisa seems like she's been told to STFU but is still pissed about it - when asked who stole the show last night she says "based on purely the performance, Misha" - WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU BE BASING IT ON YOU SILLY BITCH?! I actually kinda liked Tulisa before this, but she just comes off like a conniving witch now.

Bruno Mars is on now. I have no idea what this song is and it's hard to hear him over the band but I'm pretty happy with that set of events. I could swallow a dictionary, a thesaurus and urbandictionary.com and still not have the words to describe how much I hate that little scrote. I hate his face, I hate his voice, I hate his songs, I hate his stupid smug smile, I hate his crappy lyrics, I hate his enormous sense of self satisfaction, I hate his hair.

To quote the inimitable Mel Horowitz (father of Cher, natch) "What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?" Man, I love Clueless. 

Anyway, it's another ad break now and then....the results!!! I am, like, sooo totes excite.

Oh for the love of all that is good and holy, that girl from Rhythmix is wearing cropped hammer pants AGAIN. Who is doing this to her?!

Just say no, kids. Just say no.

Ok, first through is Marcus. Whatever, that's hardly a shock. Next through is Misha B - cut immediately to Tulisa, who looks like she's just vomited in her mouth. Johnny is through next and he's hilariously delighted. Even Gary looks happy for him. Oh, and Kitty isn't wearing any pants AGAIN. FFS. Rhythmix are through, so I guess someone out there likes the hammer pants. Janet is through next, again hardly surprising. Craig gets through, leaving Gary with Frankie, Louis with Sami and Kitty, Kelly with Sophie and Tulisa with The Risk. Sophie gets through next, so all Kelly's acts are safe.

Frankie is through next which I could vomit about. He jumps around and shouts a lot. No one else looks very happy, other than Gary. So it's Sami vs Kitty vs The Risk - and The Risk go through. This is desperately unfair to have Kitty and Sami against each other, and it's all Louis' fault. I think he'll vote for Kitty - the fact that he didn't put Sami through to live finals in the first place makes it fairly clear that he doesn't see much potential in her, no matter what he's been saying the last few Saturday nights.

That ad that Natalie Portman does for Dior is on. I desperately would like to be Natalie Portman. Who doesn't, though, amiright? Or Zooey Deschanel. I'd settle for being Zooey.

This Next ad for their next day delivery irritates me. I know that they're advertising the new delivery option rather than the actual clothes, but since they are, in fact, a clothes shop I still think it might have been a good idea to show some clothes, y'know? There's exactly 3 extremely generic outfits in the ad - if I wasn't a customer (and as it happens, I'm not) it wouldn't make me think about wanting to order anything from them, regardless of if they could magic it straight into my wardrobe.

But anyway, we're back and Sami is up first. I think she knows she's going home. She's gone full Cruise Shippy with her performance - it's got all those diva tics and hand movements that you'd expect. She's doing You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, but to be honest, it's a bit lacking - it's an amazing soul song, and she's got the pipes and is giving it her all, but she's not connecting with it enough. I've also realised that she reminds me of an absolutely horrific ex-boss of mine, and for that reason alone I'd kinda like her gone. That's the sort of thing that could honestly give me nightmares.

But then again, that would mean keeping Kitty and her pant-less-ness. She's doing Edge of Glory, which I think she did at some point during auditions or boot camp or something? Definitely seen her do it before. She's doing a fairly sedate and slow-rock version to really show off her voice. I think she's hoping to distract us from the fact that she's stood there in her undies and a tuxedo jacket. She has a great voice, you really can't deny that, but there's just something too off with her. She's trying to be Gaga-esque, but she can't pull it off. And even Gaga isn't doing Gaga all that well anymore.

Some advice for Kitty.

So, to the judges and Gary blethers for a while about how great they both are, before making a decision. He tells Sami that her voice is great but she's a bit dated, and that he's excited about Kitty, so obviously he sends Sami home. She's unsurprised and looks like she could stab him in the neck with her shoe. Kelly then tries to give them a motivational speech about the power of singing and stuff, and ends up sending home Sami, who looks like she's a nano second away from running off stage cos she knows she's going home. Tulisa says she has to go with her heart, and sends home Kitty. Louis now has to vote for one of his acts - a vote to send Kitty home brings it to deadlock, and a vote for Sami sends her straight home. Louis goes on about how people aren't connecting to Kitty and he doesn't know whether to go with his head or his heart. Tulisa can just about be heard saying to go with his heart - which he does, and he sends home Sami. Kitty of course immediately breaks down and they practically have to force her off with a forklift.

Sami manages to smile through her best bits video, god love her. She says that even if she doesn't sell a million albums like Gary said, she will sing the rest of her life, which gets enormous cheers. When Dermot asks Louis how he feels about voting off one of his acts, Louis gets roundly booed and Sami doesn't look too happy with him either. I don't blame her - it was entirely his fault, he hasn't a fucking clue what he's doing.

But that's it for this week, thank jeebus, so I'm off to watch Downton Abbey next. Till next week and the Halloween special! I dread to think what that's gonna be like....

More of this, one can only presume.

X Factor - The Live Blog

Another Saturday night, another X Factor live show. The fact that this might be the highlight of my week is making me very sad face. Very sad face indeed.

Apparently it's rock night this week. Oh lord. Expect a lot of devil horns, and a whole lot more cringing.

The judges come out to Jump by Van Halen. I feel like there's a pun to be made somewhere in there, but I can't be doing all the work here folks. I'm also getting well sick of Tulisa's arm/tattoo thing she does when she comes out each week. She's so obviously trying to copy Cheryl Cole with a signature move, it's a bit rare, frankly.

First up is Marcus, who's telling the sob story of his single mother. Wouldn't be X Factor if there wasn't a sob story. He's doing Are You Gonna Go My Way. It's...I dunno what it is. He's not the most natural rock performer in the world, being only slightly less camp than Johnny. He's trying to stick as many 'ow!'s and such into his performance but it's a bit flat for my liking. I'm just not really buying what he's selling.

Louis is all over it though, gives him 10 out of 10. Tulisa says he blew her away. I have no idea what they were watching. Kelly says he made the stage his, she'd been worried about his ability to do that but he definitely did it tonight. Gary stands up and says 'that's how to open a show'. SRSLY, I could've had a nap during that, what are these people on?!

Janet is next. Glad they're getting her out of the way soon cos she annoys me more and more each week. Her accent is utterly, utterly fabricated - thon's not a Tyrone accent, I tell yous that and I'll tell ye no more. In the VT beforehand, they show her talking to journalists where they go on about how no one is writing about her, and to be fair to her, she fairly stood up to them and said she was there to sing and she wasn't going to pretend to be someone she's not. Showed a fair amount of backbone for a 16 year old, so I have to at least give her props for that.

She's doing Sweet Child of Mine, which I believe I called (in my head, should really have written it down) weeks ago. It's all harps and shit - hardly rock, like. She is moving around a bit more than we've seen from her so far. But honestly, Dolores O'Riordan needs to take out a copyright suit against her or something for all those vocal ticks she's nicked straight off of her.

So let's see what the judges have to say? Louis loved the arrangement, says it's all about one thing with her - the voice - and he loved it. Tulisa says it wasn't rocky - THANK YOU - and that she thinks she's capable of an edgy, uptempo performance and wants to see that from her. Gary thinks it was beautiful and gorgeous, gives her credit for 'leaving the mic stand' (ffs, that's what they're giving credit for now?!). Kelly obviously loves her, and Janet herself said she wanted to put her own stamp on it. Her own stamp being not a million miles removed from an MOR version of a Cranberries stamp, but I'll shut up about that now.

And we have an ad break. I feel like this is rather far into the show to have an ad break, unless I passed out through one earlier. I'm also perplexed by the fact that I'm now watching the UTV feed of this on tvcatchup.com rather than the London one that I normally have. I didn't know they could do that. I don't know if I'm happy about that - I like avoiding the regional shite that UTV mistake for 'local colour'. If Frank Mitchell appears on my television/laptop at any point this evening I will not be responsible for my actions. You have all been warned. Hmph.

And now I'm sitting through ads from the NI Fire Service and about Carnfunnock Country Park. During X FACTOR. Oh ffs, now it's an ad for Dunnes. Jesus wept.

As the ads are still going on, I will describe for you a terrible dilemma I'm currently going through. I desperately would like something nice for my dinner - some sort of wintery comfort food, like sausages and champ or something (which I do have in the fridge) - but I can't cook and blog at the same time. My commitment to the piss-taking of reality television continues unabated.

Right, we're back and it's one of Louis's acts up first - and just before Louis introduce Sami, Dermot headlocks Louis and gives him a noogie. Awesome.

Gary and Louis are clearly at loggerheads - there's a clip of them backstage from last week where Gary puts him well in his place. Hee. Apparently Louis has her doing a Cher song, which she wasn't too keen on. I'm with her and Gary on this one - Louis is a fucking liability.

She's doing If I Could Turn Back Time and trying to give her best rock stare/scowl down the camera, but she does look a wee bit mental when she does it. Louis is pure loving it, Gary has a face on him like a smacked arse. She's singing her wee heart out like, but it's a fucking ridiculous song choice. Even in the early 90s this would've been a ridiculous song choice. She doesn't look overly pleased once she's finished.

Tulisa says it was a bit karaoke because of the song, but she has the voice for it. Kelly loves her voice, says she entertained everyone, and looked like she enjoyed herself. Gary calls it 'totally boring'. And apparently someone is swearing at him down there. He's not pleased with that either, hee. He says the competition is about finding someone to sell albums and cds and that's not going to happen with that performance. The others think he's being a bit hard on her. Sami says she didn't really want to do that song, but she just wants people to vote for her. In the continuing war between Louis and Gary about song choices, Gary says that Louis takes bad acts and makes them worse. He has a point, but I think suggesting that Sami is a bad act to start with isn't fair.

Anyway, all that srs bsnss aside, it's Rhythmix up next. They're all talking about their bonding and the different personalities within the group. Apparently rock to them means devil horns, screaming whilst wearing too much eyeliner, and waving their hair around. They're doing Ke$ha, Tik Tok. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT ROCK?!!!! Oh lord, it's a mash up with Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa. I literally look like OMG cat right now. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

This is more rock than Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Louis of course goes on that it wasn't rock. Kelly thinks they're getting more pulled together but that they need to be better than every other girl band out there. She also calls Tulisa on it not being rock, and Gary challenges her on that as well. Apparently Tulisa thinks that putting a guitar riff on a song constitutes rock and they all get in a big bickerfest. It's kinda funny, cos they're right and Tulisa is wrong. Dermot has to try to calm them down but they literally just keep shouting over each other. It's well funny, and at least I wasn't the only one thinking WTF to the song choices.

After the break we have Sophie, so Imma gonna go pee. brb.

Back. I got crackers and cheese, and I'm good to go now. Bring it on. And by 'it', I refer to whatever hilariously pisspoor attempt at rock X Factor has for me next. FYI, if you really wanna see some rock, check out these guys:

But anyway. Sophie is next. Apparently she has to prove everyone wrong that she's not boring this week and to show off her personality. She's doing what seems to be a really slow version of Living On A Prayer. She's all decked out in leathers and what not, but I sense a crescendo in the wings. I'm wrong though, cos she doesn't really do much that different with the chorus. It's still really slow and acousticy. Thing is, her voice isn't so quiet that she couldn't have had a more rockier backing track to it. That was fairly boring, if you ask me.

Louis thinks it was great and Kelly should give her more attention. Tulisa says it was the one to make a ballad, so it was great and she doesn't need to worry about the personality thing. Gary says she's starting to make an emotional connection with the songs and it's great, and Kelly shouts a lot of nonsensical stuff in the direction of Louis.

Good grief, it's another break. I think they must've overrun in the last segment with all the judges bitching or something.

We're back and it's Craig next. He's talking some stuff about it being tough becoming close to people who are your competition, some stuff about his family, blah blah whatever. Gary has him doing an Oasis song. SNOOZEFEST. Even worse, it's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Once again, I think it could've benefited from a better arrangement - one a wee bit rockier and a lot less MOR/fake string section-y. Plus, for someone so cheery and smiley all the time, when he performs he's always scowling like he's got a palsy in his lip or something.

Louis thinks he was great, Tulisa says it was great and everything, but she doesn't see how it was rock - it didn't have the energy and vibe of rock. Kelly says it's about the roots of the song and he was back in his zone, Gary says he was able to relax when Craig comes out because he's in so much control. Whatever, I still say it wasn't rock and it was boring.

Well. Kitty is next, and this should at least be anything but boring. I'm expecting pyrotechnics, air guitar, the whole bit. So she's doing Live and Let Die, which is a good choice for her. She starts off at a piano. Whether or not she's actually playing I don't know. She's got her hair up in an incredibly high pony tail and is in some sort of cat suit? Her voice is a wee bit all over though. It didn't start out too well, she's better in the louder bits. Also during the riffy bits she looks like she doesn't know what she's meant to be doing, she just sort of struts awkwardly around. The judges look like they can't tell what to make of it (other than Louis who is, naturally, loving it). There;s lots of fire, as predicted, but it still feels for me like it was missing something. Just something there that didn't quite work. She always seems to come off that way for me.

This is kinda what she looked like. It's a rockin kitty, see? See what I did there?

Tulisa agrees that it was at least rock, so there's that. She says Kitty nails it every week and did again. Kelly agrees with me that there's just a little something that's not quite working at times but she's good. Gary loves her, which is...surprising, to say the least. He says she's the only one trying to say something through their music, and he's all in. I don't know what's going on anymore. Is it still Saturday? Am I awake? Or am I still in that weird dream about Doctor Who I was having earlier on? This Sims 3 Pets ad isn't helping to make that any clearer.

Anyone wanna bring me a diet coke? Hmm? There's still another 45 minutes of this to go and I'm nt honestly sure I'll make it.

Especially not with Frankie being up next. Apparently his confidence is knocked so he needs to go out and get drunk and pull 'a few cheeky sorts'. God I hate this kid. I hope he gets his ass handed to him tomorrow night. They've got this whole VT thing playing on screen - the behind the scenes rockumentary thing where they follow him as he goes out on stage. Ugh. HATE. He's doing Rocks Off as well. I like this song. Piss off you wee twunt. In fairness, it does sort of suit him, especially the whole staging of everything, where he's leering at the girls on stage and pushing cameras away and that. Problem is he's just a pretender. He thinks he can run around acting like Pete Doherty and he'll make it, but he's just a fucking twat. I seriously hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE. He's just a haircut and a tight pair of jeans who got lucky.

Louis says he's glad he saved him, but he's over-confident and not as good as he thinks he is. Tulisa thinks they've lost the real Frankie and wants to see his heart - she accuses Gary of trying to make Frankie into the person he wishes he was when he was young. Gary has a very WTF reaction. Kelly says she believes all the swagger but he needs to work a lot harder vocally. Gary says he lied for him last week and told him his performance was good but it was shit and he deserved to be in the bottom two. Oooh, TRUTH BOMB!!!! He says this was a good come back, but not a great one though. I really, really hope he goes soon.

There is an advert on my tv that is scaring me. It's for some sort of meat paste thing that you use to make gravy, but the ad involves a cow manifesting out of a pot of gravy and dancing to I Like The Way You Move (or Mooooove, presumably?). There have been a lot of things on telly this evening making me doubt my sanity.

The Risk are next. Hurry up and put Misha on. Their VT is all about how much they love the ladies and the ladies love them, and about how shit their rehearsal was. Not shockingly, they aren't doing a rock song either - it's Crazy by Gnarls Barkley with a bit of a riff thrown over it in production. Even if Tulisa thinks this week is all about the energy and vibe of rock, this is definitely not that. And their voices are a bit wobbly on some of the harmonies, which was the problem they seemed to be having in dress.

Louis loves them, even though it wasn't hard rock. He tells Charlie he's his favourite singer - run for the hills, lad, run. Apparently one of the lads has glandular fever and laryngitis, boo hoo, whatever. Kelly likes them and high fives Tulisa, but they need to smooth out their vocals a bit more. Gary was worried for them after their rehearsal but they pulled it together. Tulisa says she isn't going to make excuses for them, then makes excuses for them. Whatever, I could honestly care less about this. I WANT MISHA. HURRY UP. I AM OUT OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

But I have to wait another while cos Johnny is next. Johnny thinks Gary is fighting his inner feelings for him, bless. He knows that his time is running out, and is a bit worried about being a circus act. He's also worried about rock week, which is hardly surprising. They have him doing A Thing Called Love. He comes down on a huge platform, and at least isn't in stupid costume. His voice works very well with the falsetto parts of the song, but I'm not convinced entirely. I think we also missed something there - the camera cut to Gary laughing his pants off at something, but we don't know what. Johnny does seem to be very nervous god love him, but he's doing ok. He comes down around the judges at one point and sings directly at Gary, which did make me giggle. A bit off in places, but better than his other performances I think.

Tulisa can hardly be hard over the screaming crowd, says he smashed it. Kelly says she doesn't know if she can see him selling records but she knows 'fer durn sure' she loves watching him. When it's Gary's turn to speak, he gets a few boos, but then he says that he really enjoyed it and that he was the only person who could've sung that song. Louis babbles some load of crap but no one cares cos the crowd is going mental for Johnny. Johnny is delighted at the reaction, Gary asks him if he got his shiny suit from Argos (cue Argos pulling their ads from X Factor slots in a huff), and Johnny rebuffs that no, he got it from Gary's wardrobe. I think the Johnny and Gary Show might be the best thing about X Factor this year.

Misha B is next, finally. She's doing Purple Rain. The staging is relatively sedate for her, letting her just sing the hell out of the song, which is she doing and then some. There's not a lot you can say about that performance, other than that she nailed it. Louis tells her she's got an amazing voice, he hopes she isn't over-confident, to which the whole audience boos. Tulisa then brings up some crap about her being too feisty off stage, which Gary slaps down. He says they're looking for someone to sell albums and she's right in front of them. She has talent and vision. Kelly and Louis start getting into bitch fights about whatever has been going on back stage, and it's all incredibly petty and clearly intended to knock her down a peg or two and make people think twice about voting for her because she's clearly the front runner.

Well, that ended things on a fairly nasty and unseemly note. Whatever, I just want my dinner at this point. To tomorrow night and the results!