I'm baaaaccckkkk....

Ok, so I know I should probably just take this shit to Twitter, but I've forsaken it in a fit of pique that I can't be bothered explaining. Well, sort of. But not really. Whatevs - point is I'm gonna slabber about crap here instead.

I think I might also need to issue an disclaimer of some sort - if you don't like slagging off politicians and especially the right wing, this is not the blog for you. 

So it's Question Time night! It's time! To face! The dickhead politicians and their dickhead policies who no one really voted for! Wooooo!!!

...wait, that's the wrong show, isn't it? Whoopsie...

But before we have Question Time, we have the BBC local London news (can't be arsed changing the region to NI, yes, I am a lazy bitch), so now I'm looking at this instead:

Ah, Boris. Boris and his big, silly head, next to his big, silly office building. I've spent so long staring at this picture that I have no idea what the story was about. Something about Boris Johnson and London, I think. I picked that much up at least.

Now the weather forecast: shit. That pretty much sums it up. Which brings me to another, completely unrelated point - why in the name of cheesus do UK fashion lines/stores not understand that they are selling clothes in the British Isles, where it basically rains all fucking summer long and drowns us all?! SELL SOME FUCKING COATS, YOU ASSHOLES. PREFERABLY ONES WITH HOODS. THAT ACTUALLY STAND SOME CHANCE OF KEEPING OUT THE RAIN. IT'S FUCKING IRELAND FFS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

(I'm doing my swearing-stretching - have to warm up before the main show, y'know)

Ah jaysus, This Week are doing a football-themed show this week. Holy mother of God, bless us and save us all.

Dimbleby's here, and we're off. No turny dancing thing from Dimbleby, unfortunately (I still say they should start and end the show with Dancing Dimbleby). There's a load of random asshole politicians on, Germaine Greer and someone else I've not heard of.

First question is about the UKIP local election results and does it mean Britain is going right wing. YES. COS ALL YOU FUCKING CUNTS READ THE DAILY MAIL, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU EXPECT?!

David Davis (Tory bugger) says we can't sneer at UKIP or their voters anymore. Well, maybe you can't mate, but it's not stopping me. Fucking UKIP mentalists. Jerry Hayes doesn't seem to mind having a wee go at them either, who wants to expose them for who they are, and says voting for them is dangerous, but less cos they cray cray, and more cos they'll help Ed Miliband get in.

Ooh, there's a man in an ascot! That should be worth something on Question Time bingo, right?

He voted UKIP, too. Bloody hell.

Some Labour shadow minister is talking about Europe and trying to scare people about jobs being lost if we run away from Europe, and Labour responses of improving working conditions and blah blah BORING SOMEONE DO SOMETHING RIDICULOUS!

This Labour bloke apparently heard me, cos he just called Nigel Farage attractive.

Germaine Greer says that the country has been moving to the right for a long time, and it's all cos of Maggie Thatcher, and then she said something else sensible and great that I have forgotten. Oops. Anyway, gwan ye girl ye!

Some wee girl from the Lib Dems is saying a lot of things without managing to actually say anything. Which sums up the Lib Dems rightly, I think you'll agree. She says that they all need to be better at reaching people, which Farage has obviously been very good at. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING THAT FARAGE IS DOING, HE'S A FUCKING NUMPTY JESUS WEPT HAVE A WORD WITH YOURSELVES.

This is all really dull so far, when's someone gonna do a Jedward-style mash up?

Next question - should the Queen's Speech have mentioned an EU referendum? Labour bloke Tristram Hunt says an in/out referendum is a bad idea, that it wouldn't help people find jobs or businesses grow or companies invest if we start talking a load of balls about Europe (I may have paraphrased a little...). Our economy is embedded in Europe, then getting out of the EU will make all of us lose our jobs and we'll all die under bridges, basically. Probably with a baguette up our arses. Again, paraphrasing.

Dimbleby asks Hunt about Denis Healy (former Labour chancellor) saying Britain should get out of the EU, and Hunt says he's not read what Healy said. Dimbleby duly tells him off for not reading the newspapers. Hehehe, gotta love the Dimbleby.

The Tory bloke is boring me so much I literally cannot pay attention to a word he's saying, something about trust, I heard a bit about his step-father and now he's talking about people selling things here from Europe and basically trying to refute the Labour scare tactics of yer man Hunt there.

Then he starts his own scare tactics of how more and more power is transferring to Europe every single day. OH THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS.

Hayes is now gesticulating wildly and arguing with Davis. Arms akimbo.

God, the EU stuff is fucking dull. I perhaps did not pick the best week to start blogging QT. Should've waited till there was something juicier going on that flipping Europe. Ugh.

Greer, again, makes more sense than anyone else on the panel by pointing out lots of sensible things about the positivity of inclusion in Europe, including the ECHR. Yay Germaine again.

OMG you guys, QT is gonna be in Belfast in a couple of weeks! I imagine I will need to be heavily sedated before that hits the airwaves.

Now they're talking about making NHS staff act as border patrol with regard to immigrants. Germaine thinks it's ridiculous that people from central Europe coming to the UK to do work that no one else is willing to do should be penalised if they need healthcare, but Hayes tells her she's being silly, that it's to stop health tourism. Yeah, suuuuuure....

I need this on a shirt, btw.

Lib Dem woman says it's all very clear and easy and simple, it's just to stop illegal immigration and clearly that's not a topic that has any grey areas whatsoever...

Davis is talking a lot and I don't know where he's coming down on this - he says that healthcare is not a pull factor that attracts immigrants to the country, and that denying anyone healthcare is ridiculous - so is he saying that he disagrees with the government, or that that's not what the government policy is when it very clearly is what the government fucking policy is.

Labour bloke says that it's already the law that hospitals pursue foreign citizens for expenses so this new policy is bullshit and is just trying to be more right wing cos of UKIP.

Audience man thinks we should have ID cards, Labour Hunt says we need a proper border force in the first place, and now the panel and audience are all shouting at each other.

Greer points out that there are a lot of British immigrants in other countries, that people move back and forward, and that you shouldn't be looking for a reason to not give someone medical attention who needs it.

New question now: should police withhold the identities of people who have been arrested until they've been charged. Hayes (barrister) thinks it shouldn't be secret, because apart from anything, it will come out anyway. But he thinks that people charged with sexual offences, particular rape and/or child-related sexual offences should be anonymous until after the trial because of the stigma. Dimbleby points out that more victims might come forward if they hear of the arrest of the person.

Greer thinks that the victim shouldn't have to be anonymous, because the victim shouldn't be ashamed and should show their face, but also thinks the legal category of rape is medieval and it should all be under the category of sexual assault, and basically it all needs overhauling.

Audience member disagrees with Hayes about it being easier for women to come forward and report rapes. She says that there were 95,000 rapes last year and only 900 odd prosecutions. Hayes then says you can only say that just the rapes that result in prosecution actually occur (sort of). Goes down very well with the women on the panel and in the audience, as you can imagine.

Lib Dem woman waffles a lot and says that the lack of anonymity helps more people come forward, which allows more offenders to be prosecuted, but victims should still have anonymity because they might be put off if they thought they'd be in the spotlight.

Dimbleby tries to get people to talk about anonymity of the accused but they still keep going back to the victim. Would it be cynical of me to suggest that they're doing that to have a chance to sound all nice and sympathetic to victims of horrendous crimes?...

Davis doesn't like the idea of secret trials if there is anonymity, but that it's totally whack, yo, that the cops and press turn up at the same time to arrest people. He thinks anonymity should remain in place until a charge is made. Labour bloke agrees with that, and thinks that post-Leveson the culture between the police and media is starting to change.

Hayes is starting to shout and gesticulate even more wildly about the criminal justice system being taken over by the likes of G4S and solicitors being disappeared off the high street and everyone is like...ok then, aaaaaanyway....

Greer says that rape cases don't get worked up because the burden of proof is too heavy, and there's a distortion of what rape and sexual assault is.

Next question: Should Cameron get rid of his Etonian cronies? This is in response to David Davis having a go at the Etonians earlier in the week, he says that you need a wider range of people and opinions to be able to understand the country and that's why he said it. Labour bloke says they should do what Lincoln did and bring in opponents to get a better range of opinion and ideas. Well, isn't that what happened with the coalition? Lib Dem lady asks the people in the audience and watching QT to get involved in politics and democracy - seriously love, you need to read a bit more of Twitter to see what kind of nutjobs (like me) actually watch the show...Hayes says doesn't matter where you're from so long as you're good at your job, which prompts Labour man to shout "but they aren't!" Heh, I did do a bit of a lol there.

And with that, I'm done. A fairly dull episode, fingers crossed for something to blow up next week (in a figurative sense, of course) to get a proper rant going.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover

Normally I don't write so much about tv shows that I genuinely really like. Partly because I tend to enjoy writing more when I'm ranting about the idiocy of something or other (ahem, X Factor) but also because I find it a bit difficult sometimes to write anything other than 'OMG that was sooooo awesome it's the best show evahhhhh!!!' about the stuff I love.

However I shall attempt an exception to this rule given that this weekend brought us two of my favourite episodes of two of my favourite shows - Doctor Who and The Thick Of It.

I completely agree, Liam Neeson. Completely agree.

Now. Doctor Who. I feel that I should perhaps explain the chronology of my love for this programme to give a bit of context to what I'm about to say. I didn't watch the classic Who back in the day. I'm not entirely sure why, I'm sure it was the sort of thing that kid-me would've liked, but I have zero recollection of it being on tv. I was aware of it existing as a kid, but I don't remember it ever being actually on. Maybe that's cos my mother tended to control the tv (as I was the only kid in the house at this stage, my teenage/young adult siblings being grown up and off to university by the time I was 5 or 6) and she is so not a sci-fi fan. So, I came to DW new somewhere during the Tenth Doctor's run, immediately fell in love with it (David Tennant 4eva!) and became an obsessive fan. I don't think I've ever cried at a tv show in my life as much as I did at Doomsday when Rose gets trapped on the alternate universe, never to see her Doctor again (well, except that she does, and even gets a clone of him for good measure but sure nevermind that now).

I got something in my eye while watching this one. Both eyes, in fact.

When Matt Smith was taking over the role I was skeptical, but I have to say that he won me over fairly quickly. I think he does a fabulous job, and I've very much enjoyed the direction that Steven Moffat has taken the show in, but it never got me in the grief bone quite the way the era of Nine and Ten (and more specifically, Russell T Davies) did. Until Saturday night, that is, when Rory and Amy left.

Note that I order them Rory and Amy - that says a lot. Whilst I tried to like Amy, and certainly don't hate her or anything, I always found her a bit blah. Even the ginger sisterhood couldn't keep me entirely on her side. She came on leaps and bounds over the last few series but I never really connected with her all that much. But then again I'm probably always going to find it hard to relate to a six foot tall model, so maybe there's that. But I always liked Rory more. Partly cos Arthur Darvill is just a much better actor than Karen Gillen, and cos he's funnier and cos I actually think he had better chemistry with Matt Smith, but for whatever reason, he was always my favourite of the two.

Which is why I was taken aback at his abrupt departure care of the Weeping Angels. I mean, I knew they were both leaving so when they woke up in the graveyard after jumping off the roof to create the paradox obviously something else had to happen, but I was sort of just hoping that they'd choose to give it up. Or that at least we'd get some build up. But Rory disappeared almost in mid-sentence and it literally made me gasp.

But what really made me start bawling like a baby was when Amy decided she was going after him. Going back in time (hopefully, if it even worked), to be stuck there forever. I didn't cry because I was sad for the Doctor and/or Amy that they'd never see each other again, or sad for River who would never see her parents again, but rather because of the deep but utterly simple connection between Amy and Rory. After all the faffing around about whether or not it was really him that she loved and if she really wanted a life with him, it's been clear for a long time that she honestly loves him. But there was something so completely basic and fundamental about the way that she immediately wanted to leave everything behind to go after Rory. That she wouldn't let him be alone and wouldn't be without him. It wasn't all that soppy to me - RTD would've ramped up the emotional angle a hell of a lot more - rather, it was just there. It just was as it was. The idea of a love and relationship so simple seemed so much more touching to me than the sort of emotional torture that could have been inflicted upon us, but then that's just not Moffat's style. And I suppose that fits in with my own ideas of love and family and marriage - that it's not all dramatic and epic and spanning across the ages, tearing worlds apart, it just is. It becomes as much a part of you as breathing.

 Just noticing now that Amy's down here as Williams, rather than Pond, which is a nice little tribute to the fact that maybe without the Doctor they were able to be a bit more normal, and he didn't have to share her so much.

So I liked it, is what I'm saying. There were flaws, of course, but I'm not going to get into them now. One thing I will mention, though, is that I'm a bit disappointed that we never got to have more interaction between River and her parents, once they all knew they were her parents. Seeing them try to navigate the awkwardness of having a child older than them, not to mention the potential for sheer comedy value, would have been both interesting and fun, so I'm sort of sad we didn't get to see more of that, but if they had to go now, then the leaving was well done.

Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.

And onto The Thick Of It. Bloody hell, my love for this show knows no bounds. I am slightly concerned, however, that either I'm a psychopath or so shallow that I love it mostly for the swearing. Because this week's episode, with Malcolm at his most evil and Machiavellian, filled me with pure glee. Not only were there some devilishly delicious lines, but everyone seemed to come to life that bit more with all the insanity of a party political coup d'Malcolm taking place. The thing is though, I was totally on Malcolm's side. Perhaps there could have been a less deceitful way to go about things, but it is politics and he is dealing with politicians who are delusional, idiotic and ego maniacal all at the same time.  At the end of the day, I believe that he did the right thing, and I was on his side. Although I could understand Ollie's distaste at 'embracing his inner bastard', Malcolm did get rid of a completely incompetent party leader and replace her with someone who at least seems like he doesn't have to practice walking. And he did make sure that Ben Swain didn't get anywhere near the Chancellor's red box. To quote Glenn, "he'd get us in debt every time he passed a sweet shop".

However I do worry a bit about this - that I at least am siding with Malcolm. I can't quite tell if this is a development in the series, or if it's just me. Or is it just that I side with him a bit more now that Labour are in opposition? Or maybe it's because we know Nicola and can see how utterly crap she is, whereas a lot of Malcolm's machinations in the past related to a Prime Minister we never saw.

As much as I love and adore everything about Malcolm Tucker and Peter Capaldi who deserves every award on the face of the earth for his performance, props must also go to Rebecca Front. She manages to be both relatable and almost likeable, yet inconceivably shit as Nicola Murray. You feel sorry for her as she's surrounded by fuckwits, seems to have an utterly horrible family and marriage, and is generally the face of despair. But at the same time, you don't want her to be in charge of changing a lightbulb. She has zero useful ideas or initiatives, little political courage, nothing in the way of diplomatic or negotiating skills, is crap when speaking in public, and hyperventilates at every emergency. Thus we can't help but agree with Helen when she responds with an incredulous "Did you?!" when Nicola sadly and regretfully sighs that she really thought she could be Prime Minister.

Another bright spark of this episode was the very welcome return of Miles Jupp as the even more useless John Duggan. I very much hope we see more of him in the rest of the series. He's just so awful, yet completely hilarious, in every single word that he utters. It's just pure delight watching him at work.

And with that, here's a list of my favourite lines from this week's episode. Warning - this might end up being basically the entire script.

Malcolm (ordering flowers to be sent to Nicola post-resignation): "Have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that reads 'Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you're a waste of fucking skin'. Yeah, waste of skin"

Ollie: "Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?"
Malcolm: "No, no, it's one of the many advantages of living close to an accident blackspot."

Ollie: "Is this it then? Is she fucked?"
Malcolm: "Like Caligula's favourite watermelon."

Malcolm: "It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong."

Nicola: "The Guardian seem to hate me more than the Prime Minister. What's next, am I going to get spat at on the street by Michael Palin?"
Malcolm: "That's unlikely, he's really a very nice man."

Duggan: "I come bearing broadcast journalists. Sounds almost sexual, doesn't it?"

Duggan: "It's alright drinking on trains, isn't it? It's one of those places where it's acceptable to drink at any time of day, isn't it? Like a casino. Or Cardiff. What? It's not racist, I could've said Glasgow, or Dublin."

Malcolm: "I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves."

Malcolm: "I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked. Heavily and repeatedly. Like a horse in the Hebrides."

Swain: "And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for Northern Ireland? I'm not fucking going there."

Ollie: "How is Terri?"
Glenn: "She's entering her dog in Britain's Got Talent."

Glenn: "Ollie, come on, this is the shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi."

Swain: "Might head in the direction of confection. Any snackage, anyone?"

Dan Miller: "I'm offering him Chancellor but I may as well be offering him bass player in the Wurzel's because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any Cabinet of mine."

Ollie: "Anytime a decision has to be made about anything, she just starts flapping about like Christ in a crucifix shop."

Nicola: "You're not gonna try and talk me off the ledge, are you? Because I've got to say, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now."

Nicola: "Can you ring James, actually? Cos he'll just be all smug on the phone and then I'll end up asking for a divorce and that's exactly what he fucking well wants me to do and I just know I'll end up with the fucking kids."

Malcolm: "Somebody get me a fucking Fanta!"

Dan Miller: "Please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man."

Like I said, practically the whole script. It's that good. And in writing up these lines, I'm reminded of an absolutely fucking fantastic scene from the last opposition episode a few weeks ago:

Malcolm: "It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?"
Ollie: "What film?"
Malcolm: "The one about the fucking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. Lego, they're all made of fucking lego."
Ollie: "Star Wars?"
Malcolm: "It's like that, alright, you want to fucking kill all the bad guys. And you'll be able to blow up the big..."
Ollie: "The Death Star."
Malcolm: "The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears."

That might be the best description of Star Wars ever.

The times, they need to start changing.

I need a new start.

This has no relevance to this post whatsoever, but I like it so I'm putting it here anyway. That's just how I roll.

I have no idea what that should be, or look like, or really have even the slightest clue what it should involve. I just know that things have to change.

I've been very adament since turning a certain number that I still don't like to say/type out loud that I still feel young. And I do, in a lot of ways. Unlike most of my friends from university I don't feel the need to settle down or act like an old aged pensioner. I still like to actually go out and enjoy myself and don't think that there's any such thing as being too old to go out and dance and what not. I also love Muppets more than a grown woman should, so that definitely helps keep me young.

But I am feeling like I'm getting too old to still be stuck in a rut, waiting for real grown up life to begin. If anything is going to change, I have to do something about it now before it really is too late and before I really am too old for it.

And whilst there are lots of things that I both want and need to change in my life - my lack of friends and/or social life, my weight, my mental health - it's work that I need to change first, I think.

I've never really understood how some people can just be happy in any old job. How they can be happy just having the security of a paycheck coming in every month, regardless of whether or not the job means anything to them or whether they feel like they're achieving anything in life. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging people like that - I'm not. They just have different priorities to me. Maybe they just care more about their family life and relationships and what not and see a job as just a way to pay the bills. That's fine, but it's just not me. Maybe partly because some part of me has always been aware that I'm not exactly blessed in the friendship/relationship/dealing with people department, but I've always felt like my job would be what I'm about. That I needed a career where I felt fulfilled, that that would be my purpose in life.

And maybe being in a job that is so....not any of those things...is part of what makes me so miserably unhappy with my life. I don't know why I always thought it would be so easy though. I somehow managed to get through a good 20-odd years of my life thinking that being a good student and having a passion for something would be enough. I have no idea where I got this idea from. Although my siblings would contend that I was spoiled because I was the youngest by almost a whole generation, I definitely did not have any sort of priviledged upbringing. My parents are working class, they come from working class backgrounds and we never had much of anything when I was a kid. I was always acutely aware of the value of money, that things didn't come easily and that our family never had the best of luck, so colour me perplexed that I somehow grew up with this fantasy that things would just fall into place and that I'd be some award-winning writer by now.

Maybe fantasy is the key word there - maybe I got too caught up in various fantasies as coping mechanisms throughout my life and didn't want to let go of them and have to view the world as it really was. But that is both a conversation for a therapist, and besides the point right now.

For the point is that I have to do something. I have to take some risks and do some hard things to make a change. I honestly don't know how I will get through the rest of my life like this if I don't. At this point I don't even feel like it's a choice anymore, I feel like it's do or die.

But what to do? I have no idea. I know what I've always wanted to do - write. But how the hell do you make a career out of that? Plenty of people more talented and more driven than me have failed. I'd be happy in some sort of media-ish job that gave me a bit of spare time to write, and that might give me contacts that could one day lead to something, but "some sort of media-ish job" is not very specific. What I'm experienced in is so niche and specialised that it's pretty much impossible to find employment doing the same thing elsewhere.

Pretty much my attitude to life right now.

So what else do I do? Do I re-train in something? And if so, what? And where? I basically want to be Charlie Brooker, but there's no training course in that, sadly. Although if there were, I reckon I'd be a shoe-in. Telly addict? Check. Quite the geek? Check. Miserablist who's never happier than when ranting and complaining about the world and media? Hells to the yeah.

I know that I can't just snap my fingers and immediately change my life. I know that it will take time, and will power, and stamina and that I'll have to face a fair amount of rejection. But if I could just start moving in the right direction, that'd be something. I want to and I feel at least a bit more energized about this than normal, but I genuinely do not know what direction I need to be moving in. I have no idea how to get to where I want to go, and no idea how to find out.

I mean if I want to be a writer, does that mean that I want to go into journalism? I entertained the notion of being a reporter for a brief time in my early teens, but that was mostly a desire to be Lois Lane, I think. I'd love to write blog/column/opinion type pieces (much the way Brooker does - you see a pattern here?) but I don't know if journalism is necessarily the right way into that, especially as I wouldn't be either that good at or interested in news reporting.

So should I just keep writing in my spare time, maybe take whatever part-time writing courses I can find the time and money for and accept having a less than stellar, but still vaguely related media job? Ok, but what should that job be? There is a job that I want, and it's one that I've applied for recently, but it's also the sort of job that probably several thousand other people applied for so my chances are somewhere around slim to none. And it's also the kind of job that hardly ever comes along.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, internetz.

 
I guess all I can do for now is just keep looking, keep trying to think of new things to look for/places to look for something that might vaguely fit me, and keep writing. I've definitely been falling behind with writing over the last while. It's a big ask sometimes to overcome the inertia, the exhaustion, the pissed-off-at-the-world-and-everything-in-it-ness, but I sure as hell won't get anywhere if I don't try. So while I may not have all the answers, or even the right questions at the minute, I can at least write. 

Hope?

I'm doing a bit better today. I managed to distract myself yesterday and get a few things done, which helped take my mind off of things a bit. I'm trying really hard not to let myself slip back into all those dark potholes along the road, and I think I'm getting somewhere. Maybe. I hope, anyway. I just have to keep reminding myself of everything that I realised and felt when I had my 'revelation' a few months ago. I need to focus on who I want to be, not who I am now, or what's going on now to upset me. I have to keep in mind who I want to be, who I think I really am underneath all of this shit, and keep trying to get there. That makes it sound a helluva lot easier than it actually is, and I'm not exactly doing cartwheels over here, but I'm trying. That's something, I guess.

As for the whole ex situation, that's a bit more complicated. But I think I might have figured something out there too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. This doesn't have to be all sorted out perfectly, one way or the other, right now. If we both really meant everything we said about how much we care about each other and wanting to stay friends, then that's how it will be. It won't always be easy or comfortable, but as long as we don't let go of the friendship, we'll figure our way through it somehow. Eventually.

Or something like that. I think I'm less articulate when I'm less upset, for some reason. Makes wanting to be both a writer and sane a little difficult, really. Anyway, I'm trying to get back to real life and not let everything in my head overtake that. Making Christmas presents, baking cookies, working, tidying, doing laundry, all that stuff. May not sound all that exciting or that big of a deal, but anything that might help me cling onto my life is worth a shot.

Hurry up and wait.

I am both exceptionally lazy, and really bad at waiting. I don't quite understand how those two things square up, but there you have it.

I just can't seem to do anything these days. I'm constantly tired and lazy and never want to really do anything but lie around and nap. But at the same time, I'm incredibly impatient about some things. Especially anything in my head. I know that I just need to give it time to get past certain things, to move on. But I don't want to wait. I want things to be how I want them to be right now. This very minute. All this waiting and being patient crap does not sit well with me. It seems that anything outside of my control cannot happen soon enough, but the things inside my control can wait as long as I feel like it. Which isn't the most logical or sensible approach to these things.

I'm not entirely sure what's at the bottom of all this. Is it just a general laziness, that's come about from years of low energy, low mood, low everything? Or is it something more inherent in my personality? Do I have some sense of entitlement, that I deserve everything I want right now, without having to work for it? Is it some sort of need for instant gratification that's a worrying and depressing sign of our times? I dunno, but it's bloody stupid and annoying. I don't think I was always like this. I don't remember feeling like this when I was at school or university. But then maybe the structure of those sort of systems kept me afloat. Always things to have to do, by a certain time, and they were mostly things that I liked and enjoyed doing, so motivation wasn't as big a problem.

I really wish that I could get those things back - the energy, motivation, sense of purpose that I had from academia. I had dinner with an old friend from university recently, and she said that she doesn't think I've changed at all from our uni days. I don't know about that. Obviously, she doesn't know about my problems so I guess she doesn't have a lot of data to go off of. But it's nice to know that I still seem like myself to her, whatever that is. I guess my personality, my sense of humour, all that sort of stuff maybe hasn't changed that much. And in some ways, as much as it's draining to have to hide my problems from so many people so much of the time, there's almost something refreshing about being around someone who hasn't got a clue about them - it's like I can almost pretend that I don't have these problems and just be myself. Obviously that's only a temporary thing, and hardly a long-term approach to depression, but still. Gotta see the upsides where I can, I guess.

Ironically I think I'm a bit more confident now that I was at uni. I think that's partly just the effect of going out into the working world, being in increasingly more situations where I need confidence and such. And I think it's also partly because of the depression. It's weird, the sort of strength that you get from it. It doesn't feel like it a lot of the time - you feel so tired, so low, so afraid and lonely and unworthy so often. But somewhere there's some kind of 'well fuck the world' sort of thing that comes out of it. A feeling of 'what the hell can the world do to me now, things are already pretty bad' that gives you some sort of weird, quiet strength. And just knowing that I've had these problems for so long now, but they haven't done me in. Not quite yet, anyway. But I know that that means there's some sort of strength and energy in there. Somewhere. I just need to unearth it and put it to good use.

I have no idea how I got to this from the start of this post. It's weird, the way my train of thought can go, especially when I'm writing. I think that's why I need to do this more. Sometimes I do just get sick of thinking and talking about things, and I do feel a bit self-indulgent doing this, like I think my problems are so important that they should be aired to the world. But that's not my intention. Writing seems to help me get things straight more than just going over and over and over them in my head. So it seems like an actual productive thing. As well as kinda cathartic. And for some reason, writing vaguely publicly like this helps with that - when I would write just for myself, like a private diary or whatever, I would go down the rabbit hole of self-hatred far too often. I used it to torture myself for some odd reason. I don't know quite why that is - maybe I thought I had to play up to the idea of a victim or something.

I have to keep reminding myself of this - something has changed for me. Even though I've been feeling quite down and stuck and lost of late, it's still different than it used to me. Only a little bit different, at times, but still. I have to hold onto that and keep reminding myself. I very often don't want to - I want to sink into that pit of despair sometimes. It's perversely pleasant and comforting to drown in the negative. But I try not to let myself do it for long - just enough to realise that that is not how I want to be anymore. And yeah, maybe it's all a lot harder than it seemed at first when I had my 'revelation' or whatever the hell it was. I had so much energy then, it seems, that I don't now. But I'm still trying. Maybe I need to tone down my expectations a bit, but I'm trying. I think. I hope. And I guess that's the main thing. To have hope.

Rut.

I haven't really written anything much here in a while. That is not a good sign. I've gotten to a point now where I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to not be writing about what's going on in my head all the time. I get bored of thinking about it and going on about it, but I fear that not paying enough attention to what's going on up there leads to complacency and laziness.

I've definitely slipped into a bit of a rut the last month or so. Tired all the time, making excuses for not doing anything (even making dinner or tidying my room), I've ended up spending all of my time either asleep or barely conscious in front of the laptop. I can't seem to muster up much energy or enthusiasm for writing at all - hence my liveblogs of the X Factor and reviews of Spooks falling by the wayside a little. I've not managed to get settled on an idea for NaNoWriMo, and of course work has now gotten in the way.

I've been feeling vacant and empty; annoyed and angry at the most ridiculous things - this week the MTV EMAs being held in Belfast was a particular source of anger for me. Despite the fact that it's a great thing for the city, and has highlighted the local music scene that I'm such a fan of, I've just been pissed off by the whole thing. I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that I feel so alone. I was so determined a couple of months back to try to shake my life up, to reconnect with people and try to get out more. But it's not that easy. There simply are not a lot of people in my life at all - not in this country, let alone town - with whom I can do things. Things as simple as just going to the cinema or the pub - there's no one I can just call up and hang out with. And I can't just magic new friends out of thin air. I've been trying to reconnect with old friends and I have done, to some extent, but that doesn't mean that we can start hanging out every night, it's a once every 6 weeks sort of thing. And I can't expect anymore than that - I'm grateful for that much, at least.

And that all leads to resentment that I can't do things that I want because I have no one to do them with, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness and emptiness. There are all these adverts on the radio and tv here at the moment promoting mental health and trying to encourage people to seek help. They all urge anyone feeling depressed to talk to someone, a friend, a family member, anyone. Everytime I hear one of those ads I can't help but scoff at them - if I had anyone to bloody talk to in the first place, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.

I'm not quite getting to the point of hating myself in quite the same way as I used to - I'm managing to keep a bit of a lid on that, for the most part. It's not always easy though - it's scary how quickly I can fall back into old ways of thinking without even noticing until it's almost too late.

Mostly, the worst thing about this is that it gives me too much time to myself inside my head. I spend all of my time alone, pretty much. I sit in an office by myself all day. I go home and sit in my room all night. I never go out, I never have plans. I don't even have as many people to talk to online anymore because of my social media avoidance. All that time to myself, inside this head, is not a good thing. It's very definitely a Bad Thing. Too much time to think about things, to dwell on stuff. And perhaps more dangerously, too much time to daydream and fantasise about everything being ok. Too much time to create an alternate reality in my head where I do have friends, a boyfriend, where everything is how I'd like it to be. And then the harsh light of day when I'm forced to remember that none of that is true.

And I know that I'm the only one who can control the thoughts inside my own head. I'm not trying to make excuses about that. I know that the only way to get more energy to do things - even if it's just productive little things at home like laundry and tidying and making dinner - is by doing things in the first place, no matter how tired or pissed off I might be. But it's hard not to feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Getting out and being around people is what I need the most right now, but I just don't have anyone to do that with.

This is a bit of a rambly, incoherent post, but I've been struggling to concentrate in work so I figured I may as well try to get some of this out there. I have no idea what the answer to any of this is. Just to try harder, I guess.

Spies 'n' Shit - Spooks S10E02 Review

Finally getting around to episode 2 of the last series of Spooks. I will spell this out now, loud and clear - if Harry and Ruth don't end up alright at the end of this series, I will cut a bitch.

Stay safe guyz!!!!

Anyway - it's been a while since I've watched the first episode, so the "Previously..." is actually quite helpful for once. It reminds us that Harry had a relationship with the wife of a bent Russian minister who was spying for the West, and fathered her son, who isn't exactly Harry's biggest fan. This is all rather bad timing, because the UK wants to have a 'special relationship' with the Ruskies, and America is all I DON'T THINK SO.

We start with Elena (Harry's baby mama) calling him but saying nothing before hanging up and removing the SIM card from the phone, which is a message to meet. Then, we have Tarik doing some encrypting bizniz with files at Thames House, while some presumably bad guys suit up for what one can only assume are Bad Things. And indeed, Calum (douche from episode one, who was carrying a briefcase with Tariq's special secret files in) promptly gets mugged outside.

A bit like this. Except they didn't steal his camera phone.

Erin starts giving out orders for people to brief and look for things and what not. Apparently it was part of their weekly share with MI6, and for a reason I don't quite understand, they deleted the files off the main server once they were done encrypting them and putting them into the laptop that just got nicked. They were personnel files (for added verisimilitude they really have been left on a train) and includes an asset working within a dodgy Russian oil company - of which Gavrik (bent Russian, married to Elena) owns part. Whoopsie indeed.

At this point, Ruth enters to tell them that it's on the internet that the laptop was stolen, and Dimitri sees that the thieves are threatening to decrypt the files and tell the world what's on them. Tariq, like any good nerd, is mostly concerned with the claim that they can break his encryption, at which point Calum The Douche is all douchey and what not. They aren't too keen to pull their assets before they have to, so the idea is to stop the thieves blabbing first.

I don't know what their plan for finding the hackers is, I can only assume it was something like this.

Ruth then starts Ruthing it up with Harry, asking about Elena and saying that they need to talk about Sasha, their son. To which Harry sharply replies 'No we don't'. Dude, less of the 'tude. He then goes and Harrys in his office for a bit. For which read, stares into the distance, looking vaguely perturbed.

A bit like this...

...and this...

...and this, basically.

Next we see Sasha in his hotel room/suite/whatever. Someone with a weird beard enters and he hides with an umbrella (!) for protection but it turns out to just be one of his security detail buddies coming to give him a job or something, and they joke about poisoned umbrellas. 'Classic', they say. Yeah. Totally classic. *eyeroll*. Anyway - turns out that the job is an unregistered phone at their delegation's headquarters - Elena's, clearly. Sasha looks uncomfortable. I think looking like you might have just shit your pants but don't want to admit to it is the main audition requirement for this show.

Back to Thames House and they're too late, as one asset is leaked all over the internet. It's at this point that I'm being distracted by Erin's hair. I can't figure out what exactly I find so distracting about it, though. More on that later.

Harry tells Erin to get Martha Ford (the asset in the Russian oil company) to get as much on Gavrik as possible before she's burned. They agree not to tell her she's in danger, and to get ready to pull her asap if and when necessary. We get some more odd looks from Erin - it's hard to tell if it's bad acting, a red herring, or if we should be suspicious of her. In hindsight, I think that was meant to be discomfort on her part about having to lie to Martha. Bitch, if you can't stand the heat get out of the spy business.

I think this would have been a better choice for head of Section D.

 

Whitehall and a meeting between Harry and the Home Sec. The Home Sec isn't too happy about this - it would be disastrous for them if it gets spread all over the papers that they've been spying on the Russians, even though the Russians know about the spying anyway. And the UK knows that the Russians know. And I think maybe the Russians know that the UK knows that the Russians know? Who knows at this point. The Home Sec is being pissy with Harry, as if Harry left the information in a bin in St James' Park or something. Ahem. (Google "Oliver Letwin bin" at this point if I've lost you). Harry is all passive-aggressive back and notes that the safety of the assets is also at stake. The Home Sec couldn't care less, natch. He's all about keeping the Russians happy.

Sasha goes to see his ma and asks if she called Harry. He tells her that he knows she's a spy (but he obviously doesn't know Harry is his father), and asks for the phone that Harry gave her. She gives him the SIM, he tells her to leave the hotel and not come back till the evening. She comes over all maternal and tells him not to put himself in danger - which he aptly points out, she already took care of. Silly cow.

Ruth is at Thames House and looking wistfully at the files of the Gavriks. So, being Ruth, basically.

Something like this...

...and this...

...and this. You get the idea.

 
Dimitri is looking for one of the assets to take him in, but he's gone off the radar. Because he's lying dead in his bedroom, as Dimitri soon finds. Harry wants him to make it look like a suicide to keep the murder off the front pages.

Next, Erin is meeting with Martha the Asset, and tells her to log on as Gavrik to her company's server and steal his files. Martha doesn't seem so up for it, but Erin talks her into it, without telling her the kind of danger she's in.

Back to Dead Asset's flat (which is well posh, btw), and Dimitri and Calum faking the suicide. Dimitri makes Calum clean up the blood in the bedroom, which Calum moans about ('Why do I alwys get body fluids duty?' - lol, and euw). Because he's a douche. And cos he's the new boy, as Dimitri points out. Heh.

FSB London HQ next (I have trouble not reading that as the Federation of Small Businesses) and Sasha is looking all moody and shit. Beardy spy guy from before is there, and Sasha tries to head him off. Beardy Weirdy tells him that they think someone at the hotel called MI5. Sasha tries to convince Beardy Weirdy to team up with him and find out who it was themselves, before going to their superiors (to protect his mother, obvs), which BW agrees to.

Beardy weirdy.

 Martha is back at work at her oil company and is trying to access Gavrik's files, but needs an executive terminal to do it. We see the age-old rush to download files as the person whose computer she is using fast approaches. She gets the files just in time, and pretends she was leaving a note for him. He then introduces her to his mate - Gavrik, who insists she stay and sit in on the meeting they're about to have. Tension!!

Next we see that despite their best efforts, Dimitri and Calum The Douche seem to have been seen leaving the flat of Dead Asset Man after faking his suicide - according to the internet, anyway. Harry realises that MI5 is being framed, just as Martha's details hit the web. Erin comes back from her meeting with Martha to this news, and calls her to pull her out. Martha pretends her granny fell and she needs to leave (lamest excuse ever? If you'll pardon the pun, that is), but Gavrik is looking at her all suspicious-like. As she's trying to leave the building, the other bloke in the meeting gets a call that she's a spy, which Gavrik says he knew. Martha is in the lobby and trying to leave, but her picture is plastered all over the plasma screens on the news. This bit is fairly tense - she seems like a very nice, normal, not-spy type of person, so you do feel for her. Especially when she wasn't told she was in danger. Aww, etc. She leaves the USB stick that Gavrik's files are on in a plant thing in the lobby. She doesn't answer Erin's calls (Erin was coming to pick her up) as she hurries through the streets. Erin and Dimitri realise that if Erin is planning to go on the run she'll have to go home to get her passport, so Erin heads off there.

Martha gets home to 17 messages on her answer machine and starts frantically packing a bag. She has a lovely house too, btw. Erin gets to Martha's about the same time as some bad dudes in a van. Martha knows Erin lied to her and is well pissed, trying to escape her. As Erin is trying to convince her that she has her best interests at heart, the bad dudes get to the door, and the girls run out the back.

Back at the grid, and Tariq is trying to trace the hackers. Calum is being a dick to him - again, and Tariq has had enough. Go Tariq! He has a go at Calum for taking the piss all the time and Calum looks like he feels like a dick. Good. I like Tariq. Tariq is cool. Calum is not. That's why he's Calum The Douche.

Tariq=cool. We already know what Calum equals.

Sasha is at the hotel and has a list of names and room numbers. He goes into room 416, which I think belongs to some random staffer? It's not very clear. Anyway, he goes into the room and plants the SIM card in a phone in the room and turns it on (meaning the guys back at FSB HQ can now trace the phone to its exact location).

Erin has taken Martha to an MI5 safehouse. Martha tells her that she dumped the data to avoid getting caught with it, Erin leaves to go and 'fix it'. But before she leaves, she gives Martha the keys to the safehouse. Which seems like an odd thing to do, given that Martha was a flight risk all of five minutes ago. Even odder, when we see Martha fondling the keys and looking strangely into the distance as Erin leaves. I have no clue what that was about. Smell the fart acting at its best, folks.

Oooh, topical!!!

Beardy Weirdy has found the phone, but doesn't seem happy about it - he wants to know who all knew that he was looking for the phone. At which point Sasha calls him. He has shit timing. BW tells him he found the phone in room 216, at which point Sasha nearly shits a brick, but BW corrects himself and tells him it was in room 416. When he hangs up with Sasha, BW ends up following Elena through a crowd in London, as does Sasha - it's one of those slow montage scenes with heavy, mournful strings. As is Spooks' wont. Anyway, she's meeting Harry in a theatre where a ballet company are rehearsing, meaning we have a really famous piece of classical music soundtracking this scene but I can't for the life of me remember the bloody name of it.

Anyway - Harry is telling Elena that someone has been posing as him, sending her messages. She says whoever it was knows everything about her and Harry, and that they were asking questions about the partnership between the UK and Russia. She told them everything she knew because she thought she was talking to Harry. BW and Sasha are both at the theatre - BW leaves after seeing Elena with Harry, and Sasha runs after him, asking if he's called it in yet, which he says he has. Sasha thinks he's talking a load of balls, though, cos BW is ascared of Sasha's da. They then have quite the bust-up in the corridor of the theatre, intercut with the ballerinas dancing and the music getting rather loud. More tension!

Elena tells Harry that Sasha knows about her being a spy, which Harry already knows of course. He asks her what sort of a person Sasha is, to which she replies 'he's like you, in many ways'. Cut to Sasha killing Beardy Weirdy. Lol.

Harry thinks he knows who it is that's impersonating him. Elena says that although she regrets many things, having Harry's son isn't one of them. Ugh, angst. As he's leaving the theatre, Harry gets a call from Sasha to come to the backstage corridor, where he's just standing around with Beardy Weirdy's dead body on the ground. Dude, wouldn't you at least find a cupboard or something? FFS, like. Sasha blames BW's death on Harry, because he had seen Harry and Elena together and Sasha had to stop him. Sasha still doesn't believe that someone has been posing as Harry, but he needs Harry to help him get rid of the body and cover it up.

I know how you feel, buddy.

Harry arrives back at the grid, and Ruth follows him into his office to ask if he saw Elena. Harry tells Ruth he needs her to investigate his CIA friend Jim Coaver, who he believes to be the Fake Harry. Ruth is still pissed that Harry won't talk about the whole thing with Elena and Sasha. He says there's nothing to be done, 'I've tried'. He says he needs her, she's the only one he can tell about this to find out who's been impersonating him. She says she doesn't mind being dependable Ruth as long as he's telling her the truth. But then she knows she'll never get a straight answer to that anyway, so she goes off to do his bidding, while Harry looks like he doesn't know whether to vomit or cry.

Dear Calum...

Dimitri and Tariq decide to send the hackers something irresistible to try to find them. 'Uh-oh', says Calum, 'the Admiral's got a plan'. DOUCHE. So the section make up a whole load of crap about black ops, rendition and what not to send to the hackers. Ruth is worried that it'll make things worse but it's too late as they're taking the bait. Except that the hackers are doing a pretty good job of hiding their IP address. Until Tariq realises he can activate their web cam and get a pic of the person doing the hacking - who turns out to be a former MI5 agent gone dirty, Victor Elliot.

Harry goes off to find Elliot's office and take Erin with him. He gets there just as Elliot is leaving his office with the stolen laptop. Elliot says that he didn't steal the laptop, it was delivered to him by a 'benefactor'. He insists that he didn't go dirty, that the operation in Iraq (which he was canned for) was clean, and that he was set up to give a job to a company with connections to a high-ranking woman within the British intelligence community. I'm not sure at this point if we're meant to know who that is.

Harry is all 'whatever bitch' and tells him that he has to tell the world that it was all lies, and that the people outed as assets never had anything to do with MI5. Elliot is all 'bitch no', but they point out that it's his only hope to avoid prison, so he does it. Lame-dash-o. They still don't know who nicked the laptop in the first place. Harry is on the phoen to Ruth and asks her how she's getting on with investigating Coaver - she says she needs more to go on, but he just says 'I have faith in you' and hangs up. Harry, now you're acting like a douche. STOP IT. Ruth is looking through Coaver's file, then turns to another personnel file - Harry's. Dun dun duuuuuuunnn!!

Harry tells Erin that he believe's Elliot's story about Iraq, but that they'll sit on it for now. At which point Gavrik pulls up in a limo beside them and asks about Martha. He tells Harry to tie up the loose ends, which basically means get rid of Martha. Erin therefore goes back to the safehouse, but Martha isn't there. She calls in to have them search for her, but Martha comes in behind her - she had gone back for the USB stick. Erin explains that Martha can't go back to her old life, because the Russians still suspect her, and gives her money to go on the run. Martha gets pissed at her for not giving her any protection when she's spying for them for years and for lying to her. Poor Martha is left distraught as Erin walks out on her. Although she isn't cold about it, to be fair to her.

It's night, and Harry meets Coaver on the south bank opposite Westminster. Harry asks Coaver for help identifying the laptop thieves, but Coaver tells him that intelligence sharing between the US and UK is 'under review' because of the partnership with Russia.

I will continue to use this pic for references to CIA man Coaver. Because it is teh awesumz.

 

Back at the grid, Tariq is still trying to find out who stole the laptop by running face recognition on a bunch of computers. On his way home to continue searching from there, Calum finds a sarky way to ask if he wants to go for a drink, and Tariq sarks back in a way that suggests they're all mates now. Pity. I preferred it when Calum was a douche. I don't want to have to get to like him or anything. Though his face makes that fairly unlikely, so I think I'm good for now.

Erin is upset about burning Martha, and Harry gives her a pep talk about sacrificing others. Calum walks through the office, and Harry seems to look at him oddly through his window. It's a bit weird, but I can't tell if it was just a weird directing choice or not. Erin talks some shit about having a normal family life, whatever, I don't care. I guess her whole thing is going to be about how hard she is, and if she can really be cold and detached enough. Although you'd honestly think that would've been taken care of long before she rose to this position within MI5, but whatevs.

More qualified than Erin.

We see Tariq arrive home and set up a secure connection to Thames House to continue searching. Sasha is in BW's hotel room, clearing everything out as he's making it look like BW did a runner. Tariq is getting sleepy but he finds something on the CCTV footage - the handoff of the laptop from the hoods who mugged Calum to someone else, and another handover to someone else. Tariq makes a hurried call to Harry but there's a breach in his security and he realises that there's a bug in his router (which is the same as mine, fyi). He strips his phone, grabs the bug and runs out of his flat.

Harry gets a call that Tariq was trying to make an emergency contact to him, and Harry sends a team out to his house. But as Tariq is trying to make his way into Thames House, he bumps into someone, then winces in pain a few moments later in the taxi - it seems he's been injected with something. OH SHIT THEY BETTER NOT KILL TARIQ!!!!

Sasha, meanwhile, is dumping BW's stuff and car, but I could give a shit about that. Tariq stumbles out of the taxi at Thames House, struggling to breathe and falls to the ground. Calum is just leaving and finds him. Oh shit, he is gonna die, isn't he? After that speech he made to Calum earlier about how hard he had to work to get taken seriously and everything and them making up. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. STOP KILLING OFF THE GOOD ONES!! Calum starts doing CPR but it's in vain. Tariq is taty bread.*sniff*

FUCK THAT SHIT. Srsly, I'm well pissed right now. They couldn't keep him alive more than two episodes? FFS. BASTARDS. I'm pure raging. There's some shit about what happens next week, but who the hell cares.

X Factor - Results - The Live Blog!

Right, I'm multi-tasking like a boss this evening - out of the shower, hair washed, changing the bedsheets, sorting through drawers to chuck out old clothes AND live blogging (well, live +1 hour) the X Factor Results show. Therefore this might be a bit more concise than normal. You're welcome.

So, first of all we had no group performance tonight - I wonder how come that is? Are they not gonna do it every week this year? Also, when the judges came out, Tulisa was wearing a long sleeved dress, which meant no tattoo showing off thing. Which obviously means she read my blog last night. Obviously.

Kelly Clarkson is singing a song about how You Don't Know A Thing About Me. I think Janet, Sophie and Kitty are probably fighting about who gets to sing this one next week. I also have to say that Kelly looks very well - a lot better than a lot of the pics you tend to see of her in magazines.

Yet another recap now and reminders of the voting numbers. They showed some of the bitching about Misha B by Tulisa, which I still say was well out of order. She went on about how it's a competition and she has to be honest, but why the hell did she have to bring it up there? If there's an issue backstage then talk about it backstage, you don't need to bring up that shit on live tv like that. If Misha ends up in the last two, there'll be hell to pay.

Professor Green gives a pretty good performance - it's a bit odd watching something as 'real' (for want of a better word) as that on the X Factor. Doesn't seem right, somehow. 

Louis actually apologises for using the word bully about Misha, says it was just in the heat of the moment, blah blah, but he apologises with the sort of smile on his face that suggests he doesn't really give a shit. Tulisa seems like she's been told to STFU but is still pissed about it - when asked who stole the show last night she says "based on purely the performance, Misha" - WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU BE BASING IT ON YOU SILLY BITCH?! I actually kinda liked Tulisa before this, but she just comes off like a conniving witch now.

Bruno Mars is on now. I have no idea what this song is and it's hard to hear him over the band but I'm pretty happy with that set of events. I could swallow a dictionary, a thesaurus and urbandictionary.com and still not have the words to describe how much I hate that little scrote. I hate his face, I hate his voice, I hate his songs, I hate his stupid smug smile, I hate his crappy lyrics, I hate his enormous sense of self satisfaction, I hate his hair.

To quote the inimitable Mel Horowitz (father of Cher, natch) "What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?" Man, I love Clueless. 

Anyway, it's another ad break now and then....the results!!! I am, like, sooo totes excite.

Oh for the love of all that is good and holy, that girl from Rhythmix is wearing cropped hammer pants AGAIN. Who is doing this to her?!

Just say no, kids. Just say no.

Ok, first through is Marcus. Whatever, that's hardly a shock. Next through is Misha B - cut immediately to Tulisa, who looks like she's just vomited in her mouth. Johnny is through next and he's hilariously delighted. Even Gary looks happy for him. Oh, and Kitty isn't wearing any pants AGAIN. FFS. Rhythmix are through, so I guess someone out there likes the hammer pants. Janet is through next, again hardly surprising. Craig gets through, leaving Gary with Frankie, Louis with Sami and Kitty, Kelly with Sophie and Tulisa with The Risk. Sophie gets through next, so all Kelly's acts are safe.

Frankie is through next which I could vomit about. He jumps around and shouts a lot. No one else looks very happy, other than Gary. So it's Sami vs Kitty vs The Risk - and The Risk go through. This is desperately unfair to have Kitty and Sami against each other, and it's all Louis' fault. I think he'll vote for Kitty - the fact that he didn't put Sami through to live finals in the first place makes it fairly clear that he doesn't see much potential in her, no matter what he's been saying the last few Saturday nights.

That ad that Natalie Portman does for Dior is on. I desperately would like to be Natalie Portman. Who doesn't, though, amiright? Or Zooey Deschanel. I'd settle for being Zooey.

This Next ad for their next day delivery irritates me. I know that they're advertising the new delivery option rather than the actual clothes, but since they are, in fact, a clothes shop I still think it might have been a good idea to show some clothes, y'know? There's exactly 3 extremely generic outfits in the ad - if I wasn't a customer (and as it happens, I'm not) it wouldn't make me think about wanting to order anything from them, regardless of if they could magic it straight into my wardrobe.

But anyway, we're back and Sami is up first. I think she knows she's going home. She's gone full Cruise Shippy with her performance - it's got all those diva tics and hand movements that you'd expect. She's doing You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, but to be honest, it's a bit lacking - it's an amazing soul song, and she's got the pipes and is giving it her all, but she's not connecting with it enough. I've also realised that she reminds me of an absolutely horrific ex-boss of mine, and for that reason alone I'd kinda like her gone. That's the sort of thing that could honestly give me nightmares.

But then again, that would mean keeping Kitty and her pant-less-ness. She's doing Edge of Glory, which I think she did at some point during auditions or boot camp or something? Definitely seen her do it before. She's doing a fairly sedate and slow-rock version to really show off her voice. I think she's hoping to distract us from the fact that she's stood there in her undies and a tuxedo jacket. She has a great voice, you really can't deny that, but there's just something too off with her. She's trying to be Gaga-esque, but she can't pull it off. And even Gaga isn't doing Gaga all that well anymore.

Some advice for Kitty.

So, to the judges and Gary blethers for a while about how great they both are, before making a decision. He tells Sami that her voice is great but she's a bit dated, and that he's excited about Kitty, so obviously he sends Sami home. She's unsurprised and looks like she could stab him in the neck with her shoe. Kelly then tries to give them a motivational speech about the power of singing and stuff, and ends up sending home Sami, who looks like she's a nano second away from running off stage cos she knows she's going home. Tulisa says she has to go with her heart, and sends home Kitty. Louis now has to vote for one of his acts - a vote to send Kitty home brings it to deadlock, and a vote for Sami sends her straight home. Louis goes on about how people aren't connecting to Kitty and he doesn't know whether to go with his head or his heart. Tulisa can just about be heard saying to go with his heart - which he does, and he sends home Sami. Kitty of course immediately breaks down and they practically have to force her off with a forklift.

Sami manages to smile through her best bits video, god love her. She says that even if she doesn't sell a million albums like Gary said, she will sing the rest of her life, which gets enormous cheers. When Dermot asks Louis how he feels about voting off one of his acts, Louis gets roundly booed and Sami doesn't look too happy with him either. I don't blame her - it was entirely his fault, he hasn't a fucking clue what he's doing.

But that's it for this week, thank jeebus, so I'm off to watch Downton Abbey next. Till next week and the Halloween special! I dread to think what that's gonna be like....

More of this, one can only presume.

X Factor - The Live Blog

Another Saturday night, another X Factor live show. The fact that this might be the highlight of my week is making me very sad face. Very sad face indeed.

Apparently it's rock night this week. Oh lord. Expect a lot of devil horns, and a whole lot more cringing.

The judges come out to Jump by Van Halen. I feel like there's a pun to be made somewhere in there, but I can't be doing all the work here folks. I'm also getting well sick of Tulisa's arm/tattoo thing she does when she comes out each week. She's so obviously trying to copy Cheryl Cole with a signature move, it's a bit rare, frankly.

First up is Marcus, who's telling the sob story of his single mother. Wouldn't be X Factor if there wasn't a sob story. He's doing Are You Gonna Go My Way. It's...I dunno what it is. He's not the most natural rock performer in the world, being only slightly less camp than Johnny. He's trying to stick as many 'ow!'s and such into his performance but it's a bit flat for my liking. I'm just not really buying what he's selling.

Louis is all over it though, gives him 10 out of 10. Tulisa says he blew her away. I have no idea what they were watching. Kelly says he made the stage his, she'd been worried about his ability to do that but he definitely did it tonight. Gary stands up and says 'that's how to open a show'. SRSLY, I could've had a nap during that, what are these people on?!

Janet is next. Glad they're getting her out of the way soon cos she annoys me more and more each week. Her accent is utterly, utterly fabricated - thon's not a Tyrone accent, I tell yous that and I'll tell ye no more. In the VT beforehand, they show her talking to journalists where they go on about how no one is writing about her, and to be fair to her, she fairly stood up to them and said she was there to sing and she wasn't going to pretend to be someone she's not. Showed a fair amount of backbone for a 16 year old, so I have to at least give her props for that.

She's doing Sweet Child of Mine, which I believe I called (in my head, should really have written it down) weeks ago. It's all harps and shit - hardly rock, like. She is moving around a bit more than we've seen from her so far. But honestly, Dolores O'Riordan needs to take out a copyright suit against her or something for all those vocal ticks she's nicked straight off of her.

So let's see what the judges have to say? Louis loved the arrangement, says it's all about one thing with her - the voice - and he loved it. Tulisa says it wasn't rocky - THANK YOU - and that she thinks she's capable of an edgy, uptempo performance and wants to see that from her. Gary thinks it was beautiful and gorgeous, gives her credit for 'leaving the mic stand' (ffs, that's what they're giving credit for now?!). Kelly obviously loves her, and Janet herself said she wanted to put her own stamp on it. Her own stamp being not a million miles removed from an MOR version of a Cranberries stamp, but I'll shut up about that now.

And we have an ad break. I feel like this is rather far into the show to have an ad break, unless I passed out through one earlier. I'm also perplexed by the fact that I'm now watching the UTV feed of this on tvcatchup.com rather than the London one that I normally have. I didn't know they could do that. I don't know if I'm happy about that - I like avoiding the regional shite that UTV mistake for 'local colour'. If Frank Mitchell appears on my television/laptop at any point this evening I will not be responsible for my actions. You have all been warned. Hmph.

And now I'm sitting through ads from the NI Fire Service and about Carnfunnock Country Park. During X FACTOR. Oh ffs, now it's an ad for Dunnes. Jesus wept.

As the ads are still going on, I will describe for you a terrible dilemma I'm currently going through. I desperately would like something nice for my dinner - some sort of wintery comfort food, like sausages and champ or something (which I do have in the fridge) - but I can't cook and blog at the same time. My commitment to the piss-taking of reality television continues unabated.

Right, we're back and it's one of Louis's acts up first - and just before Louis introduce Sami, Dermot headlocks Louis and gives him a noogie. Awesome.

Gary and Louis are clearly at loggerheads - there's a clip of them backstage from last week where Gary puts him well in his place. Hee. Apparently Louis has her doing a Cher song, which she wasn't too keen on. I'm with her and Gary on this one - Louis is a fucking liability.

She's doing If I Could Turn Back Time and trying to give her best rock stare/scowl down the camera, but she does look a wee bit mental when she does it. Louis is pure loving it, Gary has a face on him like a smacked arse. She's singing her wee heart out like, but it's a fucking ridiculous song choice. Even in the early 90s this would've been a ridiculous song choice. She doesn't look overly pleased once she's finished.

Tulisa says it was a bit karaoke because of the song, but she has the voice for it. Kelly loves her voice, says she entertained everyone, and looked like she enjoyed herself. Gary calls it 'totally boring'. And apparently someone is swearing at him down there. He's not pleased with that either, hee. He says the competition is about finding someone to sell albums and cds and that's not going to happen with that performance. The others think he's being a bit hard on her. Sami says she didn't really want to do that song, but she just wants people to vote for her. In the continuing war between Louis and Gary about song choices, Gary says that Louis takes bad acts and makes them worse. He has a point, but I think suggesting that Sami is a bad act to start with isn't fair.

Anyway, all that srs bsnss aside, it's Rhythmix up next. They're all talking about their bonding and the different personalities within the group. Apparently rock to them means devil horns, screaming whilst wearing too much eyeliner, and waving their hair around. They're doing Ke$ha, Tik Tok. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT ROCK?!!!! Oh lord, it's a mash up with Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa. I literally look like OMG cat right now. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

This is more rock than Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Louis of course goes on that it wasn't rock. Kelly thinks they're getting more pulled together but that they need to be better than every other girl band out there. She also calls Tulisa on it not being rock, and Gary challenges her on that as well. Apparently Tulisa thinks that putting a guitar riff on a song constitutes rock and they all get in a big bickerfest. It's kinda funny, cos they're right and Tulisa is wrong. Dermot has to try to calm them down but they literally just keep shouting over each other. It's well funny, and at least I wasn't the only one thinking WTF to the song choices.

After the break we have Sophie, so Imma gonna go pee. brb.

Back. I got crackers and cheese, and I'm good to go now. Bring it on. And by 'it', I refer to whatever hilariously pisspoor attempt at rock X Factor has for me next. FYI, if you really wanna see some rock, check out these guys:

But anyway. Sophie is next. Apparently she has to prove everyone wrong that she's not boring this week and to show off her personality. She's doing what seems to be a really slow version of Living On A Prayer. She's all decked out in leathers and what not, but I sense a crescendo in the wings. I'm wrong though, cos she doesn't really do much that different with the chorus. It's still really slow and acousticy. Thing is, her voice isn't so quiet that she couldn't have had a more rockier backing track to it. That was fairly boring, if you ask me.

Louis thinks it was great and Kelly should give her more attention. Tulisa says it was the one to make a ballad, so it was great and she doesn't need to worry about the personality thing. Gary says she's starting to make an emotional connection with the songs and it's great, and Kelly shouts a lot of nonsensical stuff in the direction of Louis.

Good grief, it's another break. I think they must've overrun in the last segment with all the judges bitching or something.

We're back and it's Craig next. He's talking some stuff about it being tough becoming close to people who are your competition, some stuff about his family, blah blah whatever. Gary has him doing an Oasis song. SNOOZEFEST. Even worse, it's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Once again, I think it could've benefited from a better arrangement - one a wee bit rockier and a lot less MOR/fake string section-y. Plus, for someone so cheery and smiley all the time, when he performs he's always scowling like he's got a palsy in his lip or something.

Louis thinks he was great, Tulisa says it was great and everything, but she doesn't see how it was rock - it didn't have the energy and vibe of rock. Kelly says it's about the roots of the song and he was back in his zone, Gary says he was able to relax when Craig comes out because he's in so much control. Whatever, I still say it wasn't rock and it was boring.

Well. Kitty is next, and this should at least be anything but boring. I'm expecting pyrotechnics, air guitar, the whole bit. So she's doing Live and Let Die, which is a good choice for her. She starts off at a piano. Whether or not she's actually playing I don't know. She's got her hair up in an incredibly high pony tail and is in some sort of cat suit? Her voice is a wee bit all over though. It didn't start out too well, she's better in the louder bits. Also during the riffy bits she looks like she doesn't know what she's meant to be doing, she just sort of struts awkwardly around. The judges look like they can't tell what to make of it (other than Louis who is, naturally, loving it). There;s lots of fire, as predicted, but it still feels for me like it was missing something. Just something there that didn't quite work. She always seems to come off that way for me.

This is kinda what she looked like. It's a rockin kitty, see? See what I did there?

Tulisa agrees that it was at least rock, so there's that. She says Kitty nails it every week and did again. Kelly agrees with me that there's just a little something that's not quite working at times but she's good. Gary loves her, which is...surprising, to say the least. He says she's the only one trying to say something through their music, and he's all in. I don't know what's going on anymore. Is it still Saturday? Am I awake? Or am I still in that weird dream about Doctor Who I was having earlier on? This Sims 3 Pets ad isn't helping to make that any clearer.

Anyone wanna bring me a diet coke? Hmm? There's still another 45 minutes of this to go and I'm nt honestly sure I'll make it.

Especially not with Frankie being up next. Apparently his confidence is knocked so he needs to go out and get drunk and pull 'a few cheeky sorts'. God I hate this kid. I hope he gets his ass handed to him tomorrow night. They've got this whole VT thing playing on screen - the behind the scenes rockumentary thing where they follow him as he goes out on stage. Ugh. HATE. He's doing Rocks Off as well. I like this song. Piss off you wee twunt. In fairness, it does sort of suit him, especially the whole staging of everything, where he's leering at the girls on stage and pushing cameras away and that. Problem is he's just a pretender. He thinks he can run around acting like Pete Doherty and he'll make it, but he's just a fucking twat. I seriously hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE. He's just a haircut and a tight pair of jeans who got lucky.

Louis says he's glad he saved him, but he's over-confident and not as good as he thinks he is. Tulisa thinks they've lost the real Frankie and wants to see his heart - she accuses Gary of trying to make Frankie into the person he wishes he was when he was young. Gary has a very WTF reaction. Kelly says she believes all the swagger but he needs to work a lot harder vocally. Gary says he lied for him last week and told him his performance was good but it was shit and he deserved to be in the bottom two. Oooh, TRUTH BOMB!!!! He says this was a good come back, but not a great one though. I really, really hope he goes soon.

There is an advert on my tv that is scaring me. It's for some sort of meat paste thing that you use to make gravy, but the ad involves a cow manifesting out of a pot of gravy and dancing to I Like The Way You Move (or Mooooove, presumably?). There have been a lot of things on telly this evening making me doubt my sanity.

The Risk are next. Hurry up and put Misha on. Their VT is all about how much they love the ladies and the ladies love them, and about how shit their rehearsal was. Not shockingly, they aren't doing a rock song either - it's Crazy by Gnarls Barkley with a bit of a riff thrown over it in production. Even if Tulisa thinks this week is all about the energy and vibe of rock, this is definitely not that. And their voices are a bit wobbly on some of the harmonies, which was the problem they seemed to be having in dress.

Louis loves them, even though it wasn't hard rock. He tells Charlie he's his favourite singer - run for the hills, lad, run. Apparently one of the lads has glandular fever and laryngitis, boo hoo, whatever. Kelly likes them and high fives Tulisa, but they need to smooth out their vocals a bit more. Gary was worried for them after their rehearsal but they pulled it together. Tulisa says she isn't going to make excuses for them, then makes excuses for them. Whatever, I could honestly care less about this. I WANT MISHA. HURRY UP. I AM OUT OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

But I have to wait another while cos Johnny is next. Johnny thinks Gary is fighting his inner feelings for him, bless. He knows that his time is running out, and is a bit worried about being a circus act. He's also worried about rock week, which is hardly surprising. They have him doing A Thing Called Love. He comes down on a huge platform, and at least isn't in stupid costume. His voice works very well with the falsetto parts of the song, but I'm not convinced entirely. I think we also missed something there - the camera cut to Gary laughing his pants off at something, but we don't know what. Johnny does seem to be very nervous god love him, but he's doing ok. He comes down around the judges at one point and sings directly at Gary, which did make me giggle. A bit off in places, but better than his other performances I think.

Tulisa can hardly be hard over the screaming crowd, says he smashed it. Kelly says she doesn't know if she can see him selling records but she knows 'fer durn sure' she loves watching him. When it's Gary's turn to speak, he gets a few boos, but then he says that he really enjoyed it and that he was the only person who could've sung that song. Louis babbles some load of crap but no one cares cos the crowd is going mental for Johnny. Johnny is delighted at the reaction, Gary asks him if he got his shiny suit from Argos (cue Argos pulling their ads from X Factor slots in a huff), and Johnny rebuffs that no, he got it from Gary's wardrobe. I think the Johnny and Gary Show might be the best thing about X Factor this year.

Misha B is next, finally. She's doing Purple Rain. The staging is relatively sedate for her, letting her just sing the hell out of the song, which is she doing and then some. There's not a lot you can say about that performance, other than that she nailed it. Louis tells her she's got an amazing voice, he hopes she isn't over-confident, to which the whole audience boos. Tulisa then brings up some crap about her being too feisty off stage, which Gary slaps down. He says they're looking for someone to sell albums and she's right in front of them. She has talent and vision. Kelly and Louis start getting into bitch fights about whatever has been going on back stage, and it's all incredibly petty and clearly intended to knock her down a peg or two and make people think twice about voting for her because she's clearly the front runner.

Well, that ended things on a fairly nasty and unseemly note. Whatever, I just want my dinner at this point. To tomorrow night and the results!