X Factor - The Live Blog

Another Saturday night, another X Factor live show. The fact that this might be the highlight of my week is making me very sad face. Very sad face indeed.

Apparently it's rock night this week. Oh lord. Expect a lot of devil horns, and a whole lot more cringing.

The judges come out to Jump by Van Halen. I feel like there's a pun to be made somewhere in there, but I can't be doing all the work here folks. I'm also getting well sick of Tulisa's arm/tattoo thing she does when she comes out each week. She's so obviously trying to copy Cheryl Cole with a signature move, it's a bit rare, frankly.

First up is Marcus, who's telling the sob story of his single mother. Wouldn't be X Factor if there wasn't a sob story. He's doing Are You Gonna Go My Way. It's...I dunno what it is. He's not the most natural rock performer in the world, being only slightly less camp than Johnny. He's trying to stick as many 'ow!'s and such into his performance but it's a bit flat for my liking. I'm just not really buying what he's selling.

Louis is all over it though, gives him 10 out of 10. Tulisa says he blew her away. I have no idea what they were watching. Kelly says he made the stage his, she'd been worried about his ability to do that but he definitely did it tonight. Gary stands up and says 'that's how to open a show'. SRSLY, I could've had a nap during that, what are these people on?!

Janet is next. Glad they're getting her out of the way soon cos she annoys me more and more each week. Her accent is utterly, utterly fabricated - thon's not a Tyrone accent, I tell yous that and I'll tell ye no more. In the VT beforehand, they show her talking to journalists where they go on about how no one is writing about her, and to be fair to her, she fairly stood up to them and said she was there to sing and she wasn't going to pretend to be someone she's not. Showed a fair amount of backbone for a 16 year old, so I have to at least give her props for that.

She's doing Sweet Child of Mine, which I believe I called (in my head, should really have written it down) weeks ago. It's all harps and shit - hardly rock, like. She is moving around a bit more than we've seen from her so far. But honestly, Dolores O'Riordan needs to take out a copyright suit against her or something for all those vocal ticks she's nicked straight off of her.

So let's see what the judges have to say? Louis loved the arrangement, says it's all about one thing with her - the voice - and he loved it. Tulisa says it wasn't rocky - THANK YOU - and that she thinks she's capable of an edgy, uptempo performance and wants to see that from her. Gary thinks it was beautiful and gorgeous, gives her credit for 'leaving the mic stand' (ffs, that's what they're giving credit for now?!). Kelly obviously loves her, and Janet herself said she wanted to put her own stamp on it. Her own stamp being not a million miles removed from an MOR version of a Cranberries stamp, but I'll shut up about that now.

And we have an ad break. I feel like this is rather far into the show to have an ad break, unless I passed out through one earlier. I'm also perplexed by the fact that I'm now watching the UTV feed of this on tvcatchup.com rather than the London one that I normally have. I didn't know they could do that. I don't know if I'm happy about that - I like avoiding the regional shite that UTV mistake for 'local colour'. If Frank Mitchell appears on my television/laptop at any point this evening I will not be responsible for my actions. You have all been warned. Hmph.

And now I'm sitting through ads from the NI Fire Service and about Carnfunnock Country Park. During X FACTOR. Oh ffs, now it's an ad for Dunnes. Jesus wept.

As the ads are still going on, I will describe for you a terrible dilemma I'm currently going through. I desperately would like something nice for my dinner - some sort of wintery comfort food, like sausages and champ or something (which I do have in the fridge) - but I can't cook and blog at the same time. My commitment to the piss-taking of reality television continues unabated.

Right, we're back and it's one of Louis's acts up first - and just before Louis introduce Sami, Dermot headlocks Louis and gives him a noogie. Awesome.

Gary and Louis are clearly at loggerheads - there's a clip of them backstage from last week where Gary puts him well in his place. Hee. Apparently Louis has her doing a Cher song, which she wasn't too keen on. I'm with her and Gary on this one - Louis is a fucking liability.

She's doing If I Could Turn Back Time and trying to give her best rock stare/scowl down the camera, but she does look a wee bit mental when she does it. Louis is pure loving it, Gary has a face on him like a smacked arse. She's singing her wee heart out like, but it's a fucking ridiculous song choice. Even in the early 90s this would've been a ridiculous song choice. She doesn't look overly pleased once she's finished.

Tulisa says it was a bit karaoke because of the song, but she has the voice for it. Kelly loves her voice, says she entertained everyone, and looked like she enjoyed herself. Gary calls it 'totally boring'. And apparently someone is swearing at him down there. He's not pleased with that either, hee. He says the competition is about finding someone to sell albums and cds and that's not going to happen with that performance. The others think he's being a bit hard on her. Sami says she didn't really want to do that song, but she just wants people to vote for her. In the continuing war between Louis and Gary about song choices, Gary says that Louis takes bad acts and makes them worse. He has a point, but I think suggesting that Sami is a bad act to start with isn't fair.

Anyway, all that srs bsnss aside, it's Rhythmix up next. They're all talking about their bonding and the different personalities within the group. Apparently rock to them means devil horns, screaming whilst wearing too much eyeliner, and waving their hair around. They're doing Ke$ha, Tik Tok. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT ROCK?!!!! Oh lord, it's a mash up with Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa. I literally look like OMG cat right now. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

This is more rock than Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Louis of course goes on that it wasn't rock. Kelly thinks they're getting more pulled together but that they need to be better than every other girl band out there. She also calls Tulisa on it not being rock, and Gary challenges her on that as well. Apparently Tulisa thinks that putting a guitar riff on a song constitutes rock and they all get in a big bickerfest. It's kinda funny, cos they're right and Tulisa is wrong. Dermot has to try to calm them down but they literally just keep shouting over each other. It's well funny, and at least I wasn't the only one thinking WTF to the song choices.

After the break we have Sophie, so Imma gonna go pee. brb.

Back. I got crackers and cheese, and I'm good to go now. Bring it on. And by 'it', I refer to whatever hilariously pisspoor attempt at rock X Factor has for me next. FYI, if you really wanna see some rock, check out these guys:

But anyway. Sophie is next. Apparently she has to prove everyone wrong that she's not boring this week and to show off her personality. She's doing what seems to be a really slow version of Living On A Prayer. She's all decked out in leathers and what not, but I sense a crescendo in the wings. I'm wrong though, cos she doesn't really do much that different with the chorus. It's still really slow and acousticy. Thing is, her voice isn't so quiet that she couldn't have had a more rockier backing track to it. That was fairly boring, if you ask me.

Louis thinks it was great and Kelly should give her more attention. Tulisa says it was the one to make a ballad, so it was great and she doesn't need to worry about the personality thing. Gary says she's starting to make an emotional connection with the songs and it's great, and Kelly shouts a lot of nonsensical stuff in the direction of Louis.

Good grief, it's another break. I think they must've overrun in the last segment with all the judges bitching or something.

We're back and it's Craig next. He's talking some stuff about it being tough becoming close to people who are your competition, some stuff about his family, blah blah whatever. Gary has him doing an Oasis song. SNOOZEFEST. Even worse, it's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Once again, I think it could've benefited from a better arrangement - one a wee bit rockier and a lot less MOR/fake string section-y. Plus, for someone so cheery and smiley all the time, when he performs he's always scowling like he's got a palsy in his lip or something.

Louis thinks he was great, Tulisa says it was great and everything, but she doesn't see how it was rock - it didn't have the energy and vibe of rock. Kelly says it's about the roots of the song and he was back in his zone, Gary says he was able to relax when Craig comes out because he's in so much control. Whatever, I still say it wasn't rock and it was boring.

Well. Kitty is next, and this should at least be anything but boring. I'm expecting pyrotechnics, air guitar, the whole bit. So she's doing Live and Let Die, which is a good choice for her. She starts off at a piano. Whether or not she's actually playing I don't know. She's got her hair up in an incredibly high pony tail and is in some sort of cat suit? Her voice is a wee bit all over though. It didn't start out too well, she's better in the louder bits. Also during the riffy bits she looks like she doesn't know what she's meant to be doing, she just sort of struts awkwardly around. The judges look like they can't tell what to make of it (other than Louis who is, naturally, loving it). There;s lots of fire, as predicted, but it still feels for me like it was missing something. Just something there that didn't quite work. She always seems to come off that way for me.

This is kinda what she looked like. It's a rockin kitty, see? See what I did there?

Tulisa agrees that it was at least rock, so there's that. She says Kitty nails it every week and did again. Kelly agrees with me that there's just a little something that's not quite working at times but she's good. Gary loves her, which is...surprising, to say the least. He says she's the only one trying to say something through their music, and he's all in. I don't know what's going on anymore. Is it still Saturday? Am I awake? Or am I still in that weird dream about Doctor Who I was having earlier on? This Sims 3 Pets ad isn't helping to make that any clearer.

Anyone wanna bring me a diet coke? Hmm? There's still another 45 minutes of this to go and I'm nt honestly sure I'll make it.

Especially not with Frankie being up next. Apparently his confidence is knocked so he needs to go out and get drunk and pull 'a few cheeky sorts'. God I hate this kid. I hope he gets his ass handed to him tomorrow night. They've got this whole VT thing playing on screen - the behind the scenes rockumentary thing where they follow him as he goes out on stage. Ugh. HATE. He's doing Rocks Off as well. I like this song. Piss off you wee twunt. In fairness, it does sort of suit him, especially the whole staging of everything, where he's leering at the girls on stage and pushing cameras away and that. Problem is he's just a pretender. He thinks he can run around acting like Pete Doherty and he'll make it, but he's just a fucking twat. I seriously hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE. He's just a haircut and a tight pair of jeans who got lucky.

Louis says he's glad he saved him, but he's over-confident and not as good as he thinks he is. Tulisa thinks they've lost the real Frankie and wants to see his heart - she accuses Gary of trying to make Frankie into the person he wishes he was when he was young. Gary has a very WTF reaction. Kelly says she believes all the swagger but he needs to work a lot harder vocally. Gary says he lied for him last week and told him his performance was good but it was shit and he deserved to be in the bottom two. Oooh, TRUTH BOMB!!!! He says this was a good come back, but not a great one though. I really, really hope he goes soon.

There is an advert on my tv that is scaring me. It's for some sort of meat paste thing that you use to make gravy, but the ad involves a cow manifesting out of a pot of gravy and dancing to I Like The Way You Move (or Mooooove, presumably?). There have been a lot of things on telly this evening making me doubt my sanity.

The Risk are next. Hurry up and put Misha on. Their VT is all about how much they love the ladies and the ladies love them, and about how shit their rehearsal was. Not shockingly, they aren't doing a rock song either - it's Crazy by Gnarls Barkley with a bit of a riff thrown over it in production. Even if Tulisa thinks this week is all about the energy and vibe of rock, this is definitely not that. And their voices are a bit wobbly on some of the harmonies, which was the problem they seemed to be having in dress.

Louis loves them, even though it wasn't hard rock. He tells Charlie he's his favourite singer - run for the hills, lad, run. Apparently one of the lads has glandular fever and laryngitis, boo hoo, whatever. Kelly likes them and high fives Tulisa, but they need to smooth out their vocals a bit more. Gary was worried for them after their rehearsal but they pulled it together. Tulisa says she isn't going to make excuses for them, then makes excuses for them. Whatever, I could honestly care less about this. I WANT MISHA. HURRY UP. I AM OUT OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

But I have to wait another while cos Johnny is next. Johnny thinks Gary is fighting his inner feelings for him, bless. He knows that his time is running out, and is a bit worried about being a circus act. He's also worried about rock week, which is hardly surprising. They have him doing A Thing Called Love. He comes down on a huge platform, and at least isn't in stupid costume. His voice works very well with the falsetto parts of the song, but I'm not convinced entirely. I think we also missed something there - the camera cut to Gary laughing his pants off at something, but we don't know what. Johnny does seem to be very nervous god love him, but he's doing ok. He comes down around the judges at one point and sings directly at Gary, which did make me giggle. A bit off in places, but better than his other performances I think.

Tulisa can hardly be hard over the screaming crowd, says he smashed it. Kelly says she doesn't know if she can see him selling records but she knows 'fer durn sure' she loves watching him. When it's Gary's turn to speak, he gets a few boos, but then he says that he really enjoyed it and that he was the only person who could've sung that song. Louis babbles some load of crap but no one cares cos the crowd is going mental for Johnny. Johnny is delighted at the reaction, Gary asks him if he got his shiny suit from Argos (cue Argos pulling their ads from X Factor slots in a huff), and Johnny rebuffs that no, he got it from Gary's wardrobe. I think the Johnny and Gary Show might be the best thing about X Factor this year.

Misha B is next, finally. She's doing Purple Rain. The staging is relatively sedate for her, letting her just sing the hell out of the song, which is she doing and then some. There's not a lot you can say about that performance, other than that she nailed it. Louis tells her she's got an amazing voice, he hopes she isn't over-confident, to which the whole audience boos. Tulisa then brings up some crap about her being too feisty off stage, which Gary slaps down. He says they're looking for someone to sell albums and she's right in front of them. She has talent and vision. Kelly and Louis start getting into bitch fights about whatever has been going on back stage, and it's all incredibly petty and clearly intended to knock her down a peg or two and make people think twice about voting for her because she's clearly the front runner.

Well, that ended things on a fairly nasty and unseemly note. Whatever, I just want my dinner at this point. To tomorrow night and the results!

And another thing...

Why is it so hard to keep beans on toast warm? Does anyone else have this problem? One portion of beans requires two rounds of bread, that's a given. By the time you've eaten the first round, though, both the remaining toast and the beans are now lukewarm at best.

Is there any way to correct this horrible, horrible tragedy of our times? Answers on a postcard plz.

Ranty McRanterson

I feel like a good rant today. Trouble is, there are so many things to rant about that I can't seem to pick a topic.

Cos everything is stupid. The bus company here is stupid. They faffed around with the timetable which means that if I miss the one bus, I have to walk a good 15 mins to the bus stop for the next bus (they alternate routes every half hour - end up getting me to the same place but get there a different way, one of which is 2 mins from me, one of which is at least 15). This means I end up having to get taxis to work a lot, because I'm apparently incapable of dragging my ass out of bed in time. This means that I haz no monies for noms. Beans on toast for the next two weeks it is! Woo!

There's a book about "The story of baked beans"? Seriously?! And I'm not a paid writer how, exactly? Sheesh.

Next, I am annoyed that there are too many things that I need to do in work that rely on another person to do things for me first, and that person is super busy so I have to sit around waiting a lot. Can't be helped, but it's infuriating and wasting my time.

Hmm, what next? The economy, I guess. Why not, eh? The economy is basically fucked. As are all of us. Screwed with our pants on, as Toby Ziegler would say. Inflation went up again today, the cost of living is going up and up and up because of massive increases in gas and electricity prices (from companies who, by the way, are currently making a veeeery comfortable profit). Fuel and oil prices are just getting to stupid numbers by now, I'm looking at a packet of cream crackers and cheese and thinking "Mmmm, dinner for a week!" and I'm not even that badly off compared to some people. But the government seems content to sit back and make empty gestures about it all. They don't have the first fucking clue what it is like to not know how you're going to pay your next mortgage or rent payment. How you're going to feed yourself, how you're going to pay for heating. There are people all over the country - families with kids, old people - who have to choose between food and heating. They can't have both. My own parents are having a pretty hard time of it - when they run out of diesel for the car, they can't just go and get more, they have to wait for their next pension payment to come in and see if they can afford it. When they run out of oil, they have to scrape together some money to buy coal to use the fire for heating instead, because filling up the oil tank costs too much. And neither myself nor my brother are in much of a position to help them, because everyone is finding it tough. And that's before you even start thinking about Christmas. But sure, so long as Cameron and that stupid pasty faced mouth breather Osborne are living the life of luxury, what the hell should they care? How about they swap lives with my parents for a week or two, see how it feels? Fucking Tory bastards.

I'm also annoyed at my skin. Or more generally, my body. I know it's quite possibly all my own fault, since I'm far from the healthiest of people, but it's just been conspiring against me of late. I had a couple of infections requiring antibiotics over the summer, a cold that hit at the absolute worst time and lingered for a lot longer than was polite, quite frankly, and now my skin is fucking about. I have some sort of dermatitis for which I'm on yet more antibiotics, it's refusing to clear up and apparently putting anything on it is likely to make it worse. And I have a job interview tomorrow. Brilliant(!) I look like some sort of semi-diseased leper or something. That'll make a cracking first impression.

Let's see, what else am I annoyed about/by? Mary Portas, my constant urge to shop, my inability to stop biting at my lips, Coldplay, commercial radio, inaccurate weather forecasts, how disappointing Sainsbury's own brand caramel chocolate biscuity things are, my compulsion for checking my phone every 3 minutes despite the fact that it's sat beside me and I'd see and hear if it went off (and it never does *sad face*), how my hair won't behave itself, my lack of having a butler, my laziness, the constant sense of surprise that my boss has when I'm behind on my work, despite my doing the job of at least 2 people, the delay in getting my new shoes that I ordered online that I wanted to wear to my interview tomorrow.

Ok, I think that'll do for now. No doubt I'll think of more things to rant about later.

X Factor - The Results!

Ok, it's the first X Factor results show where your votes actually matter! Lol, like this is really a democracy and not entirely stage managed. So, first of all we have the mimed group performance (that Hello dance track - I honestly can't be arsed looking up the proper name or the artist) which seems to be weirdly out of sync - not sure if that's the broadcast, or if something odd was happening in the studio, but everyone was a half second off cue.

And now we have to sit through the recaps of last night. Which is only worth it for the cat fighting between Louis and Kelly.

Side note for anyone who's interested - my 67-year-old, not remotely cool, hip or with it mother likes Rhythmix. The apocalypse may be upon us, folks.

Recaps are done, and if anyone is still awake The Wanted are sure to sort that little problem out. At this point, I'd like to point out that my commitment to this live blogging business and my getting home a bit late from Sunday dinner means that I'm watching this on +1. I could be watching Downton Abbey live, folks - this is what I'm sacrificing for you. So there.

I never remember who The Wanted are. I know they're one of those generic bland boybands, but beyond that I'm lost. Couldn't name you one of their songs for love nor money (despite probably having heard them a million times before), and I'm not 100% sure that I'm still conscious through this performance. There's a lot of poles on stage and an at times slightly inappropriate VT in the background, and a lot of girls screaming in the audience. And they look like they might have a two digit IQ between the five of them. Now they're joined by some girl dancers, many of whom look like they accidentally left the house in their undies. But there's a fire on stage now, so I can see how that sort of thing might happen.

Ooh, Dermot just gave us the Five Minute Warning before lines close. Hold me, The Internets, I'm excited! Lol, jk, no I'm not.

There's a break on now. Which means time for crisps for me. Y'know, I think I have to go out on a limb here and proclaim Hunky Dorys to be my favourite ridged/crinkle cut crisps. They aren't too heavy, they've got a great crunch to them and the flavour is spot on. Definitely better than McCoys, I've gone off them big time. I think having a vending machine in a building I worked in for 3 years constantly stocked with McCoys might be responsible for that - slight overkill. Ditto Tayto's Spirals. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still eat them if you put them in front of me, just saying they aren't a favourite anymore. My crisp-pleasure has been somewhat nullified by the appearance of Jeremy Kyle on my television. Why is that man? Srsly, just why?

Lines are now closed, votes may still be cast but will not be counted and you will still be charged, blah blah blah. Gary's not worried despite all the judges having a go at his song choices; Tulisa is appealing for people to actually vote; Kelly is nervous and so is Louis. Whatever, Katy Perry is on now. I'm so divided over her. I hate and loathe many things about her (too numerous and long to get into now) and I think she increasingly sounds like she's constipated when she sings, but some of her songs have been right crackers, you can't deny that. I properly love Last Friday Night (the dorky 80s vid might have something to do with that).

Anyway - she's got her pink hair again, and is playing an acoustic guitar. This is a bit...sedate and sincere for her. She's even properly clothed - and she sounds properly in tune too. That didn't happen last time I saw her on X Factor, that's for sure. Her song is about the one that got away and it's well depressing me. Results show live performances are meant to be all about the spectacle - didn't she get the memo? Way to harsh my crisps buzz, Katy. Hmph. Dermot's chatting to her about her UK tour, where Gary suggests a Liverpool nightclub for her to go to. This bit is always awkward and weird.

Sigh, it's another break. Chocolate time, this time.

Right, we're back and the contestants are all coming out to stand on stage, look nervous and hold each other's sweaty, sweaty hands. Kitty seems to have forgotten her trousers, and Frankie's trousers are so tight that they genuinely look like he can't sit down in them.

First through - The Risk. Then Janet. So far, so boring. Craig is through next, then Johnny (which I'm very glad for, I just hope Louis stops clowning him up), then Misha B. Phew. Kitty looks a bit like either she's eaten something she's allergic to or she's injected her entire face with a bucketful of collagen to perpetuate the myth that she's 26. Sami is through next, good. Then Rhythmix. Which is ok, I guess. They def aren't bad or anything, I just can't get that excited about them. Sophie goes through next - that means all of Kelly's acts are through, Tulisa and Louis are left with one act, and Gary with two. Kitty goes through next. To a few boos, I think. And rightly so, she's just too mental and off-putting. This leaves Nu Vibe, Frankie and Marcus. And this is when my internet stream decides to fuck about with me. Through the buffering, it looks like Nu Vibe are up against Frankie for the final. GOOD. They're both well shit. Nu Vibe are clearly going home, though. But it's nice to see that despite all the screaming girls for Frankie and his STUPID, STUPID, STUPID hair, no one likes him.

Seriously, this is basically what Frankie's hair looks like.

Virgin Media, with this buffering (which I keep initially typing as buggering. Ooh err missus, etc etc) you are really killing me. I've also finished my snacks at this point and am very sad face about it. I've got the makings of plenty of chicken sandwiches in the kitchen but that involves a) getting up and b) actually making the sandwiches. This is one of many occasions where a butler would come in well handy. Not to mention in helping me hide my secret identity so that I can fight crime in Gotham City.

X Factory (genuine typo but I'm keeping it cos lol) is back, from what I can gather through the .....Buffering ITV+1. Grrrr indeed. I feel like I'm in one of those adverts for broadband on tv. No idea what crappy song Nu Vibe just sang but it was dull anyway. Gary looks well pissed at Frankie being in the final. I think Gary might get a few surprises along the way about what appeals to the morons voting at home for this show, and what doesn't. Frankie is singing a song. He has this incredible talent of making it sound like every other song he's ever sung. Cos his voice is so generic, bland, boring and unremarkable. I think Gary's just been mesmerised by his tight, tight trousers and his stupid, stupid hair.

Votes now, and Gary is still going on about how much he can't believe Frankie is singing for survival. Get over it, love. He sends home Nu Vibe, obvs. Kelly looks pained and keeps 'umming' and eventually votes to send home Nu Vibe. Tulisa obvs votes for Frankie, leaving it to Louis to either send Nu Vibe home or go to deadlock. Louis milks it for all it's worth and eventually sends home Nu Vibe. Frankie, his hair and his impossibly tight trousers live to fight another day.

Buh-bye then.

Nu Vibe's best bits reel is dull as ditchwater. Tulisa is gutted, doesn't know what went wrong, etc etc. Results show is always such an anti-climax, isn't it? Just once I'd like someone to drop to the floor, lie there prostrate flailing their limbs everywhere and refusing to leave the stage till the security have to come on. A little bit of Jerry Springer wouldn't hurt anyone, is what I'm saying. And that reminds me of this scene from The West Wing:

X FACTOR...THE...LIVE....BLOG!!!!!

My favourite result from a google image search for X Factor 2011

Totally forgot I had said I was going to live blog The X Factor this week, so I'm a tad late. Whoopsie.

Just managed to catch the last half of Nu Vibe's dance rendition of With Or Without you - which sounded exactly like you'd imagine it would. Which is to say, shit. And honestly, is there anyone in the world who doesn't think that Nu Vibe just sounds like a sex toy? C'MON, TULISA [/Gob].  Tulisa (obvs) and Kelly loved it, Louis and Gary think they're crap. I feel dirty agreeing with Louis, but there you have it.

First ad break and there's a shortened version of that Yeo Valley boy band ad, which is honestly funnier and more entertaining than anything in the show. And the bloke with the longer hair is really familiar looking but I can't place him.

Anyway - apparently it's Classic Love Ballads week, and Sami is up next for Louis. She seems like a nice, bubbly person, very confident, role model for overweight people, blah blah blah, but she needs to stop saying 'sweetheart' in that mid-Atlantic accent all the time.

And she's doing I Will Always Love You. They could only have made this more obvious if they'd had her black up and do coke right there on stage. I mean, she's got a helluva voice on her, don't get me wrong, but this might be the most obvious song in the world for her to sing. Oh bloody hell, they've even got a choir for her, and a VT in the background of a load of candles. The only way for this to be more obvious is for Louis to come out right now.

Crowd is going wild, now for the judges reactions - Tulisa thinks she nailed it; Kelly wants to beat up the dude that ever broke Sami's heart (I have to say, I kinda love Kelly and all her American 'PUT IT DOOOOOWWWWWWN' stuff - it's fun at least); Gary loves her but thinks that was a bit cruise-shippy, and Louis calls on Wales to vote for her. OH WHAT A SURPRISE THAT IS KNOCK ME DOWN WITH A FEATHER. Sami rather hilariously hits back at Gary by saying that Jane McDonald is a cruise-ship singer and she loves her - I think she's not quite getting Gary's point there.

And it's another ad break. Lord bless us and save us.

There's an ad on for that cheesy rock musical Rock of Ages, but the fact that Justin Lee Collins is in it (along with another X Factor alumni Shayne Ward) is kinda making me wanna see it. I can't tell if that's because my ironic cheese sensor is on overload, or if I've actually lost my mind. Either way, I think it's a contender for the London Birthday Trip To End All Birthdays of February 2012.

And now there's a VO5 ad that seems to be set in Amish land and has a country/bluegrass version of Word Up in it. Hmmmm. It has reminded me that I need to wash my hair tonight. Yes, a Saturday night of X Factor live blogging and hair washing. DON'T BE TOO JEALOUS, PEOPLE.

Now it's Craig Colton up for Gary. That Jar of Hearts song seems to have been all over the radio since last week. I am a bit glad that he got through, he's not as much of an obvious popstar as the others in Gary's category are. He's doing that Beyonce song Best Thing You Never Had or whatever the hell it's called, with his by now trademark scowl/raised upper lip/possibly constipated look. I like that he's got this little swagger thing going on, but he has to be very careful for it not to become completely and utterly feckin ridiculous.

Oh, and he's got a choir too, though smaller than Sami's. Not sure if that's a metaphor for something? Louis thinks he's very brave for doing a Beyonce song, but it worked. Had he done it with a fake baby bump up his jumper, that would've been brave, Louis. He just sang a song ffs. Tulisa wasn't sure it'd work but thinks it did, and shows his versatility. Kelly thinks it wasn't the best song choice (lol) but says it was still a good performance. Gary, of course, backs him all the way. Dermot tells him he's looking fab on the Barlow diet, and Craig says in that hilarious Scouse accent 'that's what happens when you eat lettuce'. Aww, I do have a soft spot for him.

Janet is next - Kelly references her having had a tough week (her granda died), but that she'll wow everyone. In the VT Janet talks some load of shit about how she was an outsider at school (cue pic of her dressed like a hipster outside City Hall in Belfast, which is the epitome of not an outsider), and then cries a bit about her granda. Which even hard-hearted I won't take the piss out of.

She's doing I Can't Help Falling In Love With You. I would like her so much more if a) the whole shy thing didn't seem so bloody affected and b) if she could learn how to FUCKING PRONOUNCE WORDS. Also she's picked up a lot of vocal ticks from Dolores O'Riordan. I don't think this is her best performance so far - the bridge seemed a teensy wee bit out of tune for me, but I'm guessing everyone will love it anyway. And of course, she ends the song looking sad down at her feet.

Louis is going on about her Celtic Soul - I think he wants to take some sort of credit for her through the sheer coincidence of them both being Irish. Tulisa raves about the song being meant for her, and no one could possibly sing it like her, blah blah blah. Gary says she's a translator of songs because the audience feels every note as well as hears it (personally I need a BLOODY TRANSLATOR FOR THE FECKIN LYRICS OMG WOULD YOU LEARN TO ENUNCIATE WEE GIRL), and Kelly is all proud of her and throwing more Yankie Doodles about (g-father, this time). They don't try to get too much out of her, which shows a helluva lot more compassion and common sense that we've seen on the X Factor in the past, and there's yet. another. ad. break.

Also, I'm hungry. But my commitment to bringing all 3 of you hilarity that probably isn't even understood outside of the UK and Ireland means I'm here for the long haul. X Factor is an endurance sport, that's for sure.

That little bollix Frankie is on next. He had the blandest, most narcolepsy-inducing voice - literally all he has going for him is his swagger and his stupid, stupid, stupid hair. And he's going to sing a Coldplay song now. Oh for the love of God, Gary, could you not find something a bit more MOR for him to sing?! It's The Scientist and I want to kill myself. He's all over the show in the chorus, and Gary looks well-nervous. It sounds like a huge stretch for him, range-wise, to sing - but none of the stupid screaming girls going on about his bum care about that.

Louis calls it very average, says he's lost his swagger - Kelly demands to know if Louis knows what swagger is and tells him he's not allowed to say swagger again. Heh. Kelly does up the lol factor. Tulisa also thinks it was a bit samey. Kelly starts saying something similar and Louis interrupts her to accuse her of agreeing with him and she shushes him. Can't remember what Gary said COS I FELL ASLEEP OMG BORING. But everyone seems to agree that it wasn't his best. When Louis snipes that the song choice was wrong, Gary retorts that he should've given him I Will Always Love You. I feel your point Gary, but you don't really have any legs to stand on, Mr MOR Literally Dressed Entirely In Grey.

ANYway. Johnny is next. He's so lovely but I don't know what on earth they can do with him. Louis is most likely going to make a complete twat of him. He seems to be trying to make him the next Wagner. I mean, we get that he's as camp as all get out, but at the same time, stop cheapening his voice, Louis. Anyway - he's doing a Kylie song which he's all excited about. It's Can't Get You Out Of My Head and he's all trussed up like a geisha girl. LITERALLY. Kylie is actually a good choice for him for his vocal range and pitch, but they should've tried a different arrangement for him to really show off how talented he is. I feel sorry for him, mostly. Gary is not going to like this either. And if his face is anything to go by, he didn't.

Johnny also ended the performance with a big 'VOGUE'. WTF?! Tulisa says basically what I did just then. See? I SHOULD BE ON TV. Kelly literally can't string a sentence together to react. She's in too much shock and also got distracted by one of the dancers. Now it's time for Gary, who says he's sad because he doesn't want Johnny to be a joke. He then has a go at Louis for saying Frankie had no swagger when he has Johnny done up like Aladdin. Johnny's answer? 'You can rub my lamp anytime, Gary.' AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone, Gary included, busts into laughter. He has to stay in for his banter alone, srsly guise.

Probably a good job for the sake of the judging panel that there's another break now, I think Gary might need an oxygen tank to get his breath back.

Another Scouser up next, Marcus. I absolutely feckin loathe the song he did last week, which I've been forced to listen to approximately 87 times a day on the office radio for the last while. He better do something good this week or I'm gonna.....I have no idea where I was going with that. But apparently he's doing summat to show off the vocals this week, according to Gary. So far, I see lots of fire and half-nekkid folks on stage. Ah, it's Russian Roulette by Rihanna. He seemed a wee bit wobbly at the start but he's doing a good job now. It's still not that interesting a song though. I've moved on to hoping some of the dancers get accidentally set on fire.

Ooh bloody hell, he totally messed up the last note of that song. Louis says it was the wrong song choice, and that he wants people in Liverpool to vote for him. I think we just need him to call Marcus a little Lenny Henry and Louis Bingo will have a full house. Tulisa says it's not the best from him, cos he has a better voice. Kelly wants to see more emotion, Gary thinks he was brill, obvs. When Louis once again has a go at Gary for the wrong song choice, Kelly is all 'no, no, no' up in his grill.

Rhythmix are up next and they go on about the curse of the girl bands in the VT, the difficulty of choreography and singing, and then one of them burps in the middle of a piece to camera. Awesome. Now, they're talking about the challenges of food shopping for themselves. Yep, it's a hard-knock life. Whatever they sing this week, I just hope that one with all the hair that looks a bit like an owl is dressed a bit better - she always looks a state next to the rest of them stick insects. Aaaaand no, she's not. She's in yet more hammer pants. Le sigh.

They're doing I'm Like A Bird, but all urban, like. It's...ok, but not any better than that. They clearly can sing and everything, but their versions of songs just aren't as interesting and original as they need to be. Of course, I use the word 'original' in the loosest sense, this is X Factor after all.

Louis thinks they're great fun, great energy, etc etc. He agrees with Gary last week that they're the best girl band that have been on X Factor so far. Tulisa says they smashed it. Cheryl Cole launches a copyright lawsuit. Tulisa goes on about how real the girls all are and some shit about strong women. What-ever. Kelly wants them to get through so she can see more from them, and Gary thinks they're great and doing their own thing, blah blah. Tulisa says that people should vote for them because they're real and representing women and, I quote, 'like every other girl at home watching this show'. FUCK. OFF. LOVE. For the sake of my blood pressure, I shall leave it at that. Harumph.

I really can't abide those jobsite adverts that yer man Max whatshisface does. They're so bloody patronising in a recession where unemployment figures are on the up. But that's for another blog.

I can't decide who's more pathetic - the mini 'dancers' or the members of the public in those Talk Talk X Factor ads. Can we just cull them all? Two birds with one stone, perhaps?

Anyway - Misha B is next. I really want her to win. She's the most interesting and exciting - she might not be the most original artist in the world, but she's a lot more real than most people you get on here. Tonight, she is wearing a purple shiny jumpsuit that Grace Jones would be envious of. It's cut way down to here and has shoulder pads bigger than my arms. Oh the song? Oh yeah, she's doing Would I Lie To You - and honestly, it had to get to the chorus before I knew what it was. That's a good thing, btw. She's marching around the stage and judges like she owns it. And very sensibly, they didn't have a rap bit stuck in the middle of it - they didn't need it.

Louis loves everything about her, thinks she's a new urban queen. Tulisa loves it, Gary loves it, obvs Kelly loves it. She's class, her. Gary says she's more like one of the guest artists than a contestant. The man has a point. I also love how sweet and quiet she seems when she talks after he performance - completely different to her on stage persona, but she doesn't come across as fake at all. There's a good chance I'll get too pissed off to continue watching this show if/when she gets voted off.

The Risk are next. No idea what's meant to be so special about them. None whatsoever. They did alright last week, but it sounded just like the original so I dunno why they're meant to be so great. If the VT is anything to go by, apparently their most amazing talent is being attractive. They're on stools (Gary and Louis are gonna love it) doing one of those songs I can never really place that's all over the radio these days. Amazing Just The Way You Are? Something like that? I swear, there's a good 10 songs out in the last year that I think are all the same person, but it turns out they're all by different people. And there's no way in hell I care enough to remember who they are.

They have violinists miming the string arrangement behind them, but basically it's all about the stools. And the things they're sitting on. OMG DID YOU GET THAT? DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? LOLZAPOLOOZA UP IN YO FACE.

As predicted, Louis loves them. I think they're his Wand Erection for this year. He's predicting big things for them. I think one of those big things might be in his pants. Kelly says they should be proud of themselves, but she looks like she wants a nap more than anything. Gary calls them pure class and they jump around the stage as he goes on about hard work and commitment. Gary Boredlow, more like. Tulisa thinks they're not manufactured, despite the fact that they are the remnant of two groups she put together, that she put together, on a reality music tv show. OMG THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS. Louis also has a wee giddy fit about the stools working, while Dermot takes the piss out of them (the stools, that is. The actual furniture, I mean. Can we just change their name from The Risk to The Stools? Please?).

Sophie Habibis is next. She does have a really great voice, but she kinda bores me. And that haircut with the fringe does not suit her. It makes her look a good ten years older than she is. She's doing Wherever You Will Go by The Calling. A more MOR song does not exist, I fear, but she's doing a good job with it. It feels a bit samey to what she did with Katy Perry last week, but it's still good.

They all seem to love her voice and say she needs more confidence and a spark to make her stand out. I think they have a point, because I'm getting sleepy and bored at this point.

Kitty is up after the break. Doing Bjork. Hold me.

OMG Jedward are in the audience. In gold sequined track suits. I'm surprised they're allowed out in public like that.

Kitty is talking about how disrespectful it was to be booed last week. She says those people should be ashamed of themselves. Lol, get over yerself love. She's a proper nutter, her. She's doing It's Oh So Quiet. Which makes sense, cos I doubt anyone involved with the X Factor has ever heard of any other Bjork songs. This is gonna be proper mental. She seems to be Alice at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. The loud bits are actually disappointingly not mad enough. They have a slightly Queen-esque guitar rock thing to them but it's just not working.

Louis is desperately trying to get the crowd worked up for her and Tulisa thinks that she's an amazing artist despite being 'a bit different'. Kelly tries to remind her that she needs people to like her to buy her records. Gary says she deserves to be there for her talent, Louis says she always delivers, was born to be on the stage and gave the performance of the night. I think what was wrong with it is that she needed to be running around the stage more during the loud bits of the song. That's what the song makes you want to do, that's kind of the entire point of it, but the staging didn't let her move around enough. Meh, I dunno, at this point I'm putting way too much thought into all of this.

Lines are now open, which means we have the interminable recaps and phone numbers to go through. Katy Perry is on the results show tomorrow night. I have no real thoughts on that.

Till tomorrow night then!

Balancing act

The past week or so has been...frustrating. I think maybe that's the best way to describe it. I'm frustrated at myself, at things I can't control, at people around me. And I don't like it. I feel like I'm backtracking on the progress I'd made. I'm hoping that a lot of it is hormonal, and that that is at least some explanation for how emotional and out of control I've been feeling. But that's not really much consolation, to be honest. I don't like how I feel, or how I'm acting, or how I'm thinking. I feel like I'm slipping back towards being that person I don't like anymore. I've been irrationally angry, hurt, emotional and felt completely powerless. I've felt like I have no idea which turn to take next - that I can't trust my judgement. Sometimes, I can't even make a decision - I literally have no idea which way to go.

Balance, as I've mentioned before, is something I'm not good at. And that's been a big factor for me lately. When I was feeling dark and low before, I would often think that I might be best to give up on a lot of things - that the hope was what was keeping me down. Maybe I needed to get rid of those things (even if they had at times made me very happy and very 'me') from my life, just accept that things are shit, and move on. But that's defeatist, self-deprecating and non-productive. It's cutting my nose off to spite my face. I know that. And yet...

I know that the bigger thing to do is to try to find a balance with these things. Some sort of middle ground where I'm not living in some sort of fantasy about things, where I'm being realistic but still actively trying to make things better. But I really find that difficult. In the abstract like that, it sounds perfectly plausible and reasonable but when it comes to the crunch I honestly don't know what's the right answer. It's more than just being afraid or unsure or scared of the hard work. I genuinely do not know what will be best for me, sometimes.

Whilst this does apply mostly to one particular area of my life at the minute, I'm being deliberately vague for a couple of reasons. First of all, I'm a bit sick of the sound of my own voice (in my head, anyway) going on about this particular problem. I need a bit of a break from it, but at the same time needed to get it off my chest a bit. And secondly, while there's one particular thing in the front of my mind when I write about this balance thing, I know that it applies to lots of other things. It's something I really need to work on generally. But I really feel quite lost and frustrated about how to do that, when I'm having so much trouble with trusting my own judgement. And my still being quite tired and not fully recovered from being sick is making me make excuses for myself to just lie around and do nothing, and end up getting upset about things. Which is obviously not helping.

Anyway, this has been an even more rambly post than normal, for which I apologise. I will endeavour to get back on track soon, particularly with the recapping/reviewing. I've been horribly lazy about that stuff recently, which I must sort out in the next week or so. I've decided to have a go at live blogging The X Factor (since I'm still on a Twitter hiatus), so I can only apologise in advance for what Saturday night will bring!

Addicted to misery?

Well. That was a slightly longer hiatus than I intended. It seems that my body chose almost the exact moment that I handed in my final assignment (well, the exact day anyway) to have me come down with the mother of all colds. And of course I've been way too busy at work to even contemplate taking proper time off to get better, so I've been shuffling and snivelling along as best as I could. Finally starting to feel a bit better, but still really tired. Which has been fairly fatal for my motivation and energy levels. I was so looking forward to getting my course over with so that I could get started on the million of other things I want to do, then I have to take to my sick bed. Typical!

What's also typical is that I'm writing this when I should be working. In fairness, it's after 9pm at night and I'm at home so I really shouldn't *have* to be working, but there you go. It's just one of those weeks and my lack of productivity due to this lovely lurgy I've had has gotten me really far behind.

But anyway. None of that is remotely interesting or informative, unless you had a desperate desire to know what's up with my work schedule and immune system. And frankly, if that is the case, I think you might need a little more help than reading this blog can possibly give you.

I've had a post floating around my mind for the past week or so. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to write it, but I guess we'll see by the end of this.

It's occurred to me lately that my depression and anxiety issues have a lot in common with addiction, for me at least. I've been thinking about how come I've changed now; how come I've had this revelation, this clarity now and not before? Or later? And is it just sheer luck - do you just have to sit around waiting for this revelation to hit? It seems to me that it's a lot like when addicts reach that last straw, their rock bottom or whichever other cliche you choose to use, that finally makes them want to change and gives them the strength to be more successful with change than they were before.

But the problem with that is that it suggests that it's up to the fates to decide when that moment is. That doesn't seem quite right.  Or fair. But I honestly don't know why I came to my sense now instead of years ago. I know that I had a bigger wake up call than I've had in a long time - someone was incredibly honest with me and (after hours of crying and wailing) that somehow finally made me see things more clearly. It made me realise how much of my life I was wasting, how many opportunities were being ruined and how this would never change if I didn't change.

But I have no idea how anyone else is supposed to get to that moment. Part of the reason that this has been floating around my head was that I was wondering if maybe I should consider doing some sort of voluntary work within the mental health/counselling sector. I have no idea if I'd be any good at it, as I'm not generally a very touchy feely sort of person, but I feel like I'd like to make my experiences count for something. But if having this sort of moment of clarity is so arbitrary, what could I really do for someone?

And whilst I'm talking about this in terms of addiction, it brings up the whole idea of balance. I've never been very good with balance - always been all or nothing. That's part of the perfectionist trait in me, I suppose - that it's completely perfect, or it's completely shit. No in betweens. But this is more like an eating disorder than an alcohol or drug addiction - I may have gotten addicted to misery to some degree, but I can't avoid negative emotions anymore than an anorexic can avoid food. So I have to find some way to balance things. To know when it's ok to be upset, and let myself feel that, and when enough is enough.

I've been struggling a little with that lately. Being sick but having so much to do at work wiped me out, and now I'm finding it hard to get out of that 'just make it home and crawl into bed' phase, even though I'm mostly better by now. It's been too easy to slip back into old habits of spending the entire night in various states of consciousness in front of a tv and/or computer screen.

And there's lots of other things where I find it hard to find some acceptable balance. I shan't go into all of that now, because I don't have the time (and this post has been in my drafts folder for far too long), and I don't really have the mental energy for it either. I'm finding less impetus to think or write about what's going on in my head. I can't quite figure out if that's part of the post-cold laziness, or if I'm getting sick of talking about it, and whether either of those is a good thing or a bad thing.

All in all, that's a rather meandering, pointless post, for which I apologise. I have funner posts in the works but I apparently now have a slightly busy weekend ahead of me involving hyperactive children, so it may be a while before those come to complete fruition. In the meantime, I'm thanking the big spaghetti monster in the sky that it's Friday and I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of this Wispa that's been in my office drawer for two days. It's the little things, y'know?

Back.

Well, I've been MIA for a few days. Real life got in the way for a little bit there, but I'm now course-free, just about getting caught up on my sleep, and ready to commence normal service. A-woo-hoo indeed. I've got a few blog posts in the offing, which I hope to get up later this evening/tomorrow. Maybe committing to that here will make me actually do it! Although I have finished that box of Cadbury's Fingers, so it's not like I've anything better to do at home now...

Panic stations...

Hmm. Today is not fun so far. I was out of the office yesterday for a course that I'm doing (for work) and apparently a client came on complaining that they hadn't received something they should've gotten ages ago. Now, the client is perfectly entitled to feel annoyed about this - it's something that slipped my mind. I had been working on it, then I got sick and some other drama reared its head, and it completely slipped off my radar. My fault.

However. I am also the only person in my department. There used to be 3 of us, then 2, then one part time person as well as me, and now it's just me. And we have more work than ever before. I have been trying to point out just how impractical and unsustainable this is to my boss, but being the sort of person that I am, I'm not great with confrontation so I've obviously not been making myself clear enough. I've also been stupid enough to just work all the hours in the day to get things done, and the more that I do this, the more my boss expects it of me.

So the story today is that he doesn't seem to be too happy with me that things have slipped behind, despite my telling him repeatedly that things were behind, and that I was doing my best, but there's only so many hours in the day. And I don't get paid for all that many of them. Therefore, I'm feeling much more anxious and panicky today than I have done in a while. I am trying hard not to get overwhelmed, or to fall apart, and just take deep breaths and concentrate on what I need to do. But I'm very nervous about having to talk to my boss about all of this. It's an inherent part of my nature - I've always been a good girl, who does things by the rules and never gets in trouble. And now I feel like I'm being called into the headmaster's office to be shouted at.

It has also been an inherent part of my nature up until now to feel responsible for everything and to feel like I have to try to fix everything. But that just is not working anymore. I have to try to be strong to just do the work I'm getting paid for and not keep giving into the pressure, but also to make that clear to my boss so that he is aware of my workload.

This is a bit of a meh post, I know, I just find it helpful to write this out to try to keep myself calm instead of getting worked up about it.

Heartbroken, but not broken.

I've not really written anything about my head or anything head-adjacent for a few days, so I thought maybe it was time to have a quick check in. Writing here seems to help me to figure stuff out a bit more, moreso than just sitting around thinking about things.

It's been...an odd few days, to say the least. I've not really been sure if I wanted to talk about this here or not, but I figure it might help. My relationship issues have finally been resolved, in that we broke up. He said it was nothing to do with me, that he just isn't in the right place to be in a relationship right now. Which completely and utterly sucks. But there's not much I can do about that. Which is the really frustrating thing sometimes - I think when I was concerned that things weren't going well because of me and my issues and the way I had been behaving of late, I thought it was under my control at least a little bit. That if I could just convince him of how I'd figured so much stuff out and was determined to change, that things would be ok. But that's not the case.

The hardest thing is that we're best friends. Best, best friends. We were so close before we started going out, and meant so much to each other that neither of us wants to lose that. But it's difficult to figure out how to get used to not being a couple but still being close. I know it will be hard, but as I see it I just don't have an option. I need my best friend. So we'll just have to figure out a way to make it work.

I think I've been doing sort of ok with it, though. Which I am a bit proud of, to be honest. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still in the spontaneously-bursting-into-tears-at-any-moment stage, and I'm utterly heartbroken. But I think it helps that I'm not mad at him - it was just really bad timing. And I really do believe him when he says that he still wants us to be close friends. I know that our friendship is important to him, and I suppose it probably says a lot about how far I've come that I can believe that even when I'm upset - that I'm not jumping to the worst conclusions and beating myself up. And I've been doing my best to get on with work stuff and work for my course (which will be over in less than 6 days, thank the lord!).

But it's still really, really crappy. I'm just doing what I can to get through each day. If I feel sad and need to cry a little, then I do, but I try to keep a bit of a lid on it so it doesn't get out of hand. I think I always had trouble with that before - knowing what was ok to be upset about, and how upset was reasonable before I started being self-destructive with it. I seem to be making some sort of progress on that front.

It helps a lot that people have been really supportive of me with the stuff that I've been figuring out over the last few weeks since I started posting here again. My friends are proud of me - and he is too, when I explained everything that I've been working through recently - and I feel proud of me too. That helps keep me going. I like this version of me a lot more, and I want to hang onto her and not let her go. I just keep trying to hold onto this vision of the person I most want to be, and not let any "buts" get in the way.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. Everything is still hard, and takes work. Especially with things like motivation to do stuff that bores the ass off me (namely most of my job and this course at the minute). But I'm getting there.

Spies 'n' Shit - Spooks S10E01 Review

OMG WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THAT SPOOKS STARTED AGAIN ON SUNDAY??!!!!

They shouldn't have whispered in the corridor, maybe then I'd have known

I thought it started on Monday - why they thought it would be a good idea to put it up against Downton Abbey is beyond me, but no matter - I can now watch the iPlayer in work (over my lunch hour, natch) so what follows is another stream of consciousness-like review as I watch and shovel spaghetti and meatballs down me.

Anyway. 

Ok, so we've got some old dude looking through papers that mention Lee Harvey Oswald and OMG A GUY IN LEATHER GLOVES IS STRANGLING HIM!!!

First obligatory shot of Harry looking pensively out a window, and now walking along some park. I'm totes gonna pretend I'm in MI5 when I go to London next year. Just for the lulz.

Harry's being followed by a dude on a bike and a youngish dude. He enters a building that seems ot be some sort of old school library? Mmmm, I love the smell of books in the morning! Ooh! He just found a message in a book about someome being in danger, blah blah blah! Spy-citing!!

That's the right show, right? Right? Guys, where'd you go??

Now hes in a car and some dark haired chick we've not seen before is wishing him luck, as he gets and heads to Thames House, I think? to appear at a tribunal. Ruth is sat behind him looking - well, like Ruth always looks. He's arguing that it was more worth saving Ruth than the (useless) Albany technology cos she's still of use to the intelligence community, whereas the Albany doofer was just a hoax. He says it was in the nation's interest to save Ruth. Yeah, in the interest of the nation of shippers.

Harry's been suspended for the last few weeks, but they're going to let him back to work under probationary terms till they decide whether or not to believe him, basically.

There's still someone watching Harry, however, and it's Young Dude. Young Dude with an almost Bieber-esque haircut, who's got lots of surveillance photos of Harry. Ooooh! Aaaaaaand credits.

So far, we've still got Harry and Ruth, obvs, and also Dimitri in the main cast, but I can't see if there's anyone else familiar looking in there.

Post credits, and we've got a CIA dude being all American like, and suspicious of the Brits. And looking pensive, obvs.

There's a lot of this, is what I'm saying.

Now we've got what appears to be a graveyard or summat in Russia. Some Ruskie bad guys want to do something a bit mean to the UK, it seems. And, of course, they have a file on Harry.

Harry's meeting with the Home Sec, who is the person who gave him a stay of execution to allow him back to work. They reference Bin Laden's death and "turmoil in the Middle East" which one assumes refers to the Arab Spring uprisings? Home Sec wants Harry to be diplomatic. Harry is all:

Yay! Resident nerd Tariq is still here, that's nice. I like nerd spies. Always good fun.

Lolz.

The person who was in Harry's job while he was away, Erin someone, is now to be section chief of D section. He's suspicious of her, despite her licking right up his hole. He huffs that she altered his chair. "It took me ten years to get it like that". Oh, Harry. Such a wit. He's going through some papers on his desk, and sees something on a receipt for W Slate & Sons - the same type of receipt that we saw Old Strangled Dude with, and upon which the secret message in the library was left for Harry. Dun-dun-duuuuunnnn, conspiracy afoot!!

He immediately wants to know who processed it, and the guy responsible says that the guy who wrote the message had Alzheimers, had just died, and the message was gibberish. Harry looks a bit upset, gurns that the Receipt Guy is too young, and everyone looks at him like "O NOES U MADE HARRY GO SAD FACE".

Harry then goes and breaks into Old Strangled Dude's house, and sees his pill box sitting there (which the strangler had taken out of the drawer and emptied some of the pills out of when killing him), so Harry calls Tariq to ask for an autopsy on Max Witt (Old Strangled Dude). Harry then noticed a false bottom on one of the drawers (lolz at bottom and drawers there), where he finds a bunch of decoding stuff, and has a flashback to some people kissing. Can't figure out who.

He starts briefing the crew on Max, an old Cold War spy (codename Sharecropper), and tells them that what he's about to tell them goes above their security clearance. Way to make sure you keep your job, Harry. So, he tells them that there's this old KGB bad dude who's now the Minister for something or other in Russia, and his wife was an MI6 asset, codename Toumaline - she was the best Soviet source of the 80s. Harry and the CIA dude we saw earlier turned her, but she was never removed from Russia. Max had told Harry that Tourmaline was in danger, which is v v bad.

See? V v bad.

They start doing some spy shit, checking surveillance, blah blah blah.

Tariq needs a haircut, btw.

So they do some mad computer stuff to identify some guy who they know is a professional who's been hanging around Max's home, do some shit with CCTV and so on, and find out who the guy is. They go to his address, which is basically some hollowed out shell of a shithole, complete with graffiti on the walls and covered up windows, just to give the place a lovely ambience of 'creepy and menacing'. Which is so in this season. They find a laptop which has a 'will blow up if spies find it' device on it, which of course promptly blows up.

Ruth finds out that Bad Russian Dude and his wife Tourmaline creeped out of Russia and into London, without anyone knowing (obvs not a good sign). They think Bad Russian Dude is onto them, and Tourmaline is clearly in a lot of danger.

They're using iPads in the grid, v fancy. New bloke Calum (Receipt Guy) is a dick. He's giving out about Harry, and new girl Erin verbally smacks him upside the head for it. He starts being a douche with Dimitri, asking him if he killed anyone when he was in the SBS. Dimitri replies "Yeah. And d'you know what? I miss it" and gives a very pointed look at Douche Boy. Hee.

Harry didn't want them to go after Bad Russian Dude cos he's all scary and shit, but Erin talks him round. Cut to Dimitri et al conducting surveillance on the Russian couple. They confirm it's def both of them, and plant a tracker on their car. As if bad russian dudes would let anyone that close to their car without busting a cap in their ass. Puh-leez.

So anyway, they've followed the Russians to a meeting with the Home Sec. To which Harry is all WTF?!

Of course, he then creeps up on the Home Sec at night  to scare the shit outta him/ask what he's up to smuggling bad russians into the country. Home Sec says he couldn't tell Harry before now, and that they're getting into bed with the Russians cos the Yanks are being all dicks and what not. Harry is not happy, esp when he finds out that Bad Russian Dude asked for him to be involved in all this stuff personally. Home Sec asks if there's anything he should know about from Harry's past dealings with Bad Russian Dude, Harry lies hilariously obviously and menacingly at the same time. Then takes another of his pensive, pouty lipped drives around London. He has flashbacks to the kissing again - I'm guessing it's him and Tourmaline.

Harry gets home, picks up the post, turns on the lights, etc, and realises someone in his in house. Like a fucking boss, he casually walks in and makes himself a drink while Young Dude is sat at his table with a gun. Young Dude says he didn't think Harry would recognise him....has he hasn't seen him since he was a child!!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! Is Harry the baby daddy?!! I am literally like

right now. The kid is called Sasha, he's apparently in the FSB and he knows about his mother being a spy for the west. He is like 'do not want'. Harry's playing it all cool as a muthafucking cucumber, pointing out that Sasha can't kill him, cos other people know, etc etc. He tells Harry he has to sever all ties with Tourmaline or he'll be a very bold boy. Hmph, kids today, eh?

Now it's the next day and Harry is going to meet CIA Guy. They have a lovely wee catch up, but Harry doesn't seem utterly convinced by him. Then again, it's hard to tell with Harry. CIA Guy tells him Langley aren't that fussed about the Brits being involved in the turmoil in the Middle East, and tells him that he knows about the Russia deal, that the Russians aren't to be trusted, and the Yanks aren't too happy about it all. CIA Guy pretends he knows nothing about Toumaline and has had no contact with her, but he's obviously lying.

The gang find some info on the laptop they have blew up that suggests the person who owned the laptop was going to assassinate Bad Russian Dude at some gala thingy or other that he's going to tonight.

Harry and Ruth talk, and it seems that the proof Sasha gave Harry of his mother's spying activities (which suggested that she was still an active agent) was forged - it was made to look like it came from Harry, but it didn't. Someone with access to all his protocols etc posed as him to contact her. This can officially be filed under Not Good. Harry wants to talk to Tourmaline to find out what info she's given the imposter, so he's going to go to the gala and bring Ruth as his plus one, cos he needs help. This is what constitutes a date in Spy Land.

Harry & Ruth 4eva, etc etc

Also at the gala are the rest of the team, doing security for the Russians. Or something. Tourmaline and Harry lock eyes across a crowded ballroom and it gets a wee bit tense. He goes up to talk to her and her bad hubby. Toumaline pretends like she doesn't know Harry, obvs, and goes off with Ruth to get a drink, leaving the boys to talk. Meanwhile, Sasha looks on like the huffy kid he is. Ruth tells Toumaline to go through a certain door at 8.02.

We then see some scary lookking dude beat up someone in a back corridor and steal his clothes, and run off with a gun. Same dude shortly kills one of the security detail. 

The Home Sec comes up to Ruth at the party, and tells her she's awesome and deserves a promotion. Ruth self-deprecates, of course, and Home Sec tells her to think about it. She then spots Sasha looking somewhat nervously in Tourmaline's direction. He hears something amiss with the security woman who's getting killed, he runs into Calum the Douche and tells him that one of their units isn't responding. The one who killed her, a big baldy fella, is now in the ballroom and blocking Toumaline's exit at 8.02, so Ruth creates a diversion for Tourmaline to get out and make arrangements to meet Harry. He tells her she's in danger, and there's more smoochy flashbacks.

The team realise that the assassin is there, and think he's posing as a waiter. Calum and Russian Security guy find the dead Russian Security woman, realise the assassin isn't posing as a waiter anymore, and then all hell breaks loose as they just about manage to stop the assassin from killing the Russian couple in the ballroom. However, they don't catch him and have to chase him through kitchens and corridors in their tuxes and ballgowns. Just like proper spies. Erin finds him, and shoots him before he can shoot her. She looks well suss when she's staring at his dead body. Dimitri comes in and she walks off. Can't tell if her being so suspicious is a red herring or not. Hard to tell, after the whole Lucas North thing they pulled.

Now we've got a British woman on a phone outside the venue telling someone that "Collison's dead. No, no trail. Yes. Otherwise a complete success." as the Russian couple are whisked away under Harry's somewhat perturbed eye. Ooooh, intrigue!

Cut to briefing on the grid, where we learn that the assassin was Marcus Collison, bad guy for hire, who had calls on his phone from Chechnya. Erin's looking weirdly at the photo of Collison on the screen. She's def weird. Or annoying. One or the other. Dimitri tells Calum to give MI6 a full debrief, which Calum semi snootily replies he's already done. Tariq says "You've got to give it to him; he's good. Sort of hate him for it". Dimitri is not convinced. He then goes to make small talk about the spy life to Erin. I'm not entirely clear if he fancies her, or is suspicious of her.

We see Erin enter a house (which we assume belongs to her), where she looks at herself in the mirror. She 's a bit upset and then a little kid comes running out and calls her Mummy. If this is meant to be the big revelation about her, it's well meh.

Late at night at Thames House, Harry is sitting at his desk looking at an old photo of Tourmaline when Ruth comes into him. Cue another of their late night talks, where it's all looks and very little dialogue that actually says or does anything other than make the shippers sigh? Yes and no. Ruth wonders how come Chechnyan war lords would be able to find all the info on Harry's protocols etc to allow them to impersonate him to get to Tourmaline. She wants to know what he's not telling her, and he admits he had a relationship with Tourmaline and that that's the reason she was burnt. Ruth says they need to put Sasha out of action. Harry says they can't. She asks why not? And......Harry tells her he's his son. CALLED IT.

God bless Ireland

I've a couple of things that are half written, but just saw this and thought I'd share - it's a dog surfing competition in County Clare in Ireland. Yes. Dog surfing.

That is all.

Justice is blind.

I am watching Daredevil for the first time. This might be the most hilarious movie of all time. Thus, what follows is a stream of consciousness type review of the movie as I watch it. Probably something better suited to Twitter, but since I'm taking a break from social networking, this will have to do instead.

I love the internet.

Ben Affleck is his usual wooden self, as a blind lawyer who's an ass-kicking vigilante superhero at night. So far, I've gotten to the bit where he meets Jennifer Garner (Elektra Nachos, or something like that), and ends up having a martial arts-off with her in a kids playground, in full daylight and in front of the kids. They can't decide if this is meant to be hilarious, or a deadly serious action sequence. Action has its role in comedy, but you've gotta commit to it, y'know?

Cheesy doesn't even come close. Now, don't get me wrong - I love me some cheese. Big fan of the smelly stuff, big fan. But it's a little bit hard to tell whether or not this movie actually knows that it's cheese.

Also what the hell is up with Affleck's hair in this movie?! I mean, I know the dude is blind but COME ON [/Gob Bluth].

And Colin Farrell as Irish hitman Bullseye who can make a dart out of a paperclip? GENIUS. Farrell is actually a brilliant comic actor, so I have high hopes for his character. And right on cue, he just killed an annoying old lady on a plane by flicking a peanut into her gullet cos she wouldn't shut up. I FRAKKING LOVE THIS MOVIE.

Since this is set in Hell's Kitchen, if there isn't a "can't stand the heat, get out of the Kitchen" like pretty soon, I'm gonna be well disappointed.

This is so much the poor man's Batman, it's hilarious. 

Seriously, is that a wig Affleck is wearing? It cannot be his real hair, it just can't. It's the real MARVEL in this movie. See what I did there, eh? Eh? Ah, my wit is wasted on yous.

And the obligatory 'blind man touches beautiful girl's face' scene. Followed by the 'blind man can somehow see in the rain' scene. Yeah, I dunno what the hell that's about either.

Jon Favreau is typically pretty good. As such, he's a little out of place in this movie.

This whole 'lawyers who only represent innocent people' thing - isn't that sort of against whatever the lawyer version of the Hippocratic oath is? (You can tell I'm well versed on all this legal stuff).

Also, Jennifer Garner's boobs are highly unnatural. And no, I'm not providing a photo of that.

Affleck just promised Garner that nothing bad is going to happen. BUT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR HAIR, BEN. THE WORST IS ALREADY UPON US.

God love Colin Farrell, he's hamming it up like Peppa Pig out here. He just killed Papa Nachos (What? I can't be bothered looking up the proper spelling) with Daredevil's blind stick thingy. Which the baldy journo starts to figure out belongs to blind lawyer guy, but Elektra can't figure it out even when she's shagged him. Bit dim, her.

It's Papa Nachos' funeral, but I need to pee, so apologise if I miss an important part of the movie while I'm gone.

I'm back, and Kevin Smith is asking if we want to see something really cool. It's the stick that killed Papa Nachos, and the journo just realised that the stick is actually a blind man's white stick. And what's more, he thinks he's seen it before....dun-dun-duuuun!!!

*light bulb*

Bullseye just met with the Big Bad Guy (The Kingpin) who wants him to kill Elektra, I think. I don't know, I wasn't paying all that much attention to be fair. But at the end of this bad guy versus bad guy exchange. Farrell leans in and menacingly grunts that.....he wants a costume. Srsly.

Now Elektra (also a superhero type) is working out with knives and bags full of sand to a rousing soundtrack of Evanescence. Good. Grief.

Now Elektra is kicking Daredevil's ass, cos she thinks he's responsible for her father\s death and obvs doesn't know he's her main squeeze. That, or she's just really had enough of his stupid hair. Who could blame her? She's stabbed him in the shoulder, and can't tell from looking at the lower half of his face from about 4 inches away that he's the bloke she's been shagging. OMG, srsly like.

Elektra goes to do battle with Bullseye, where she throws a big knifey thing at him, he catches it and throws it back. So she catches it. With the palm of her hand sort of getting in the way. Who tries to catch a knife like that, when they have another one in their hand? Pick it up later, love ffs.

Bullseye also seems to like to do card tricks, whipping out an ace of spades from nowhere and slashing Elektra's throat with it a little. "Illusion, Bulleye, illusion!! A trick is something a whore does for money!" Which clearly applies to no one in this film. Nooooo.....

Oh aye, and Bullseye also stabbed Elektra right in the stomach. Oh noes, etc etc.

This whole fight scene in the church between Bullseye and Daredevil (complete with a giant organ that they pull apart to hit each other with, and actual bats in the belfry) is just a tad too mental for me to comment on. I'm literally like:

And what is the deal with this Irish priest? Other than to embarrass the entire Irish nation, between him and Bullseye. I guess he's meant to be something of an Alfred-type character, but that's not really made clear enough. It feels like there might've been a lot of stuff cut out of this (hilarious, given what they left in) that might've helped to develop it a bit. Either that, or I've passed out occasionally from the sheer hilarious-slash-ridiculousness of it all.

So anyways. Daredevil has gone to fight the Kingpin, he smashes something with water in it to help him 'see' better, and he ends up kicking Kingpin in the knee, which makes the huge dude cry like a little girl. I don't get it.

Aw, then we get the scene where Daredevil could deliver the death blow to the Kingpin, but chooses not to cos he's all healed of his vengeance and shit now, which his wee Irish priest will be very pleased about.

And after some boring shit about the Kingpin being arrested by the cops, baldy journo deciding not to reveal the true identity of Daredevil and Elektra leaving a sign for The Terrible Haired One, that's that. Well, apart from a coda at the end where we see Bullseye in a full body cast, being irritated by a fly which he eventually manages to nail to the wall with a syringe despite being basically immobile.

So, there we go. Potential to be hilariously awful, but it gets just a wee bit too boring in places for that. It can't make up its mind if it's trying to be funny, or trying to be serious, and it ends up being a bit like a fallen souffle in the process. Action movies can have very funny scenes in them, and have a great sense of humour - there's plenty of examples of this, especially in the comic book movie genre, but this one just doesn't work. At all. Although, having Ben Affleck in it should've been the first sign. Still, good for a laugh, even if it's not a very well intentioned laugh.

This, however, is a movie I would love to see. It...would....be....in....credible!