X Factor Live Show 2: Live Blog

It's week two, and I'm already bored. That bodes well...

Our theme for this week is Love and Heartache. Or in other words, snooooooooze fest. Seriously, whither the Wagner? Wherebe the Jedward? Will Sharon at least throw something at someone? Entertain us, for the love of Jebus.

Dermot is wearing slightly looser trousers this week, but is still doing the Flash dance thing.

I think the show needs to commit and have everyone dressed as characters from Flash Gordon next week. 

Sam The Girl is up first, so of course her song is all about her husband, complete with wedding pictures (where she looked gorgeous, to be fair). She's singing Make You Feel My Love - so check Adele song off your bingo cards for this week. While she's obviously got a great voice, she doesn't have the personality in it that someone like Adele has, so it's a bit boring.

Of course the judges love it. Gary says she manages to take the bar up another level this week, it was stripped back and great. Nicole pronounces her name weird, but says it left her lukewarm and she didn't have the right tone. Louis calls her ScrewBo (seriously, like I'm not making this up), says she's going to be around for a long time and made it her own. Sharon shouts at Nicole and Sam says she doesn't want to be a one trick pony. Yeah, whatever, I'm more concerned about my dinner right now than what's going on here so STEP IT UP X Factor.

Kingsland Road are up next, and apparently the VT this week will be all about them going to the England game, in what seemed to be a desperate attempt to make them look less effeminate. Apparently they're doing Bruno Mars' Marry You. Literally the most awful, unromantic song ever, about someone who seems to put as much thought into a marriage proposal as most people do into choosing their laundry detergent.

But anyway, apparently they were all awkward idiots around the female dancers, and so far their performance is just them running around the place, till their 'brides' come out. Between the wedding bells over it, and the white ticker tape, it just sounds Christmassy to me. Although I actually like Christmas, so....

Also, apparently Louis caught the bouquet. Yeeaaaahhhhh.

Nicole likes it but criticises Gary for them not having any lead vocals. Louis loves it all, and says that him and Gary know more about boybands than anyone else on the panel - Gary's reaction to this is priceless. He looks like he vommed in his mouth a little. Much as the rest of us did...Sharon loves it and Gary goes on about their work ethic. Always a light entertainment winner, that one.

Dermot calls Louis Mr Lover-Lover, which makes us all vom again, and Nicholas is next. And he's singing Robbie Williams' She's The One. Uggggghhhhhhhhh. Apparently Nicholas is having trouble because he's never been in love, so because he has a crush on Nicole, they arrange for her to come and hug him and him to sing the song for her. That's....a little bit weird.

Then, to make it even weirder, some girl shows up at the end just as he's pointing to Nicole. Sharon calls the girl who showed up on stage a paedophile. Well, she actually calls her a paedeophile. Gary says he has an amazing voice, and that the performance was weird with the walking dead dancers who were wandering around. Nicole loves him and calls him natural and understated, and calls him easy on the eyes. AGAIN WITH THE EUWWWWWWWW. Louis calls him Baby Buble and goes on about the likeability factor. Another few checks off the bingo card then.

Abi is next and apparently she was majorly nervous last week, and apparently the cure to this is Nicole taking her bowling. I think Nicole would be better off trying to rid the poor girl of her headband affliction. Anyway, she's standing up this week and singing Kylie's I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head amongst a load of twirly umbrellas. Walking down the stairs seems to be scaring the shit out of her though, and given that I can fall while standing still, I feel her pain. However, she really can't get those high notes. It's just not suited to her voice and her range at all. The rest of the song is okish, but they're going to tear her apart for this. Not a good showcase of what she's about at all.

Louis says he's not crazy about it and she's better doing the singer-songwriter thing and that he can't get it out of his head for the wrong reasons. Sharon calls the judges all nuts, says it was a big risk for her, a very brave move, and that she needs more confidence. Gary says it was brave but it was a bit sleepy and something missing, but liked the creativity of it. Nicole says she much preferred her version over the original and calls her a hot tamale.

I want a sandwich. Can anyone help me out with that? Preferably some sort of toasted sandwich with melty cheese, and lots of meat. And maybe some fries.

James Arthur is in the audience and seriously needs to lay off the make up/fake tan/whatever it is. He looks weird. Being pasty-faced suits him better.

Anyway, Shelley is next and says she wants people to see that she's a nice person. Love, this isn't a nice person contest. The problem is you're completely inappropriate for the show. Apparently she's going to let out the fox or the beast, or some combination of both, doing Single Ladies by Beyonce. Of course, she manages to make it sound dated and awkward and about as current as Linda Martin doing Daft Punk

(ok, actually it's not that bad, but who needs an excuse to link that video). Ok, I do kinda love her personality, she's hilarious and everything, but she's never going to be a popstar.

Gary wishes her a happy 22nd birthday and is gobsmacked and says it wasn't for him. Which is about the nicest thing he could say. Nicole loves her energy but calls it sch-weird. Sch-seriously. Louis thinks she should be in Hairspray on the West End stage. Sharon asks everyone to vote for it, and Dermot brings her a cupcake with a candle in it for her birthday.

Miss Dynamix are being give a bye to next week cos Cece (the preggers one) got sick right before the show and was shipped off to hospital and the others couldn't learn the song as a duo in time. Depending on who goes tomorrow night, this could cause a bit of a stir (though obvs she's pregnant and they have to make sure she's ok, and it was literally right before the show so it's understandable that the other two couldn't change everything about in time).

Another break and I'm still waiting for that sandwich.

Sam, Sam, the Maybelline Man is up next and he's gurning that the other judges are complaining about his weak vocals. Well that's what you get for being a mediocre singer, innit. This week it's just him on a stool (well, he is Louis's contestant after all), on a light box, singing I Won't Give Up weakly, at least until the key change.

Sharon says he did really well. Gary gives him credit for taking a risk and says it's a massive improvement. Nicole says pretty much the same thing and Louis calls him the hardest working contestant he knows and a ready made pop star.

We've got Tamera next and her and Nicole bond over having holy grandparents. Come to Ireland, love, you can't throw a stone without hitting a holy Joe granny.

Anyway, she's got a fringe this week and looks a lot more like Rihanna than I've ever noticed before. She's singing Beneath Your Beautiful and it's definitely looking like she's gonna be the stand out from this series. You can practically see the pound signs in all the judges' eyes. As Louis says, she's got it all. Sharon agrees and tells her to do everything Nicole tells her, and says it was perfect. Gary says she's a superstar. Nicole goes on about how controlled her voice was etc etc. My comment is that that outfit would be better if it was a dress rather than a jumpsuit. Why are we still doing the jumpsuit, seriously?!

Luke Friend and his unwashed hair are next. I'm starting to really loathe this wee fella and I don't even know why. Just the mere mention of him gets me a bit ragey.

OMG they have that weirdo who auditioned with the picture of his cat in the audience. I never realised how much he looked like Mickey Flanagan before....

Luke is next and apparently his mum is basically stalking him. She's just desperate to wash his hair.

He's singing Let Her Go by Passenger, in a boat. Good song choice for him, but doesn't give him much chance to put his own stamp on it as it's not that different from the original. I still fail to see what's meant to be so amazingly original and individual and brilliant about him. Apparently any male acts on this show who don't look like boyband members are 'real artists' and amazing and unique just cos they're not that pretty. That was seriously not impressive.

Sharon says she has an awful soft spot for him, and loves his 'ooh-oohs' but also wants to know wtf is up with the boats, lining up Louis for the 'because he's sailing through to next week' joke. Gary says he was missing his edge (HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE ONE, GARY) but it was good. Nicole starts going on about edge and balls and various other things that don't make sense. Sch-unhinged. Louis is so busy being pleased with his boat joke that he just rambles something about him being great or whatever and loving his voice. Blah, blah, who gives a shit.

According to the app that judges the judges' critques, the public think Gary is making the right calls. Louis is only on 4%. Ha.

Rough Copy are next and apparently the pressure is on cos Nicole called them the best band on the show ever last week. Kaz talks a lot about his son and the cute little kid comes running in during rehearsal - Jesus, it's just like Joseph Whelan is back.

They're doing I Want It That Way. I wish they had done End Of The Road by Boyz II Men, cos I love it - entirely because of The OC. And let's face it, it is a better song. Had they done that with a video in the background of Seth and Summer, I think we can all agree they would win the whole show.

"Are you listening to Boyz II Men?" "I can think of no sadder song in the whole world"

Nicole says they took a Backstreet Boys song and turned it into a Boyz II Men song, but to watch their pitch. Louis is loving them. Sharon is also mad about them, and Gary says everyone is asking about them.

Anyway, Hannah is closing the show and is feeling self conscious about her size so goes shopping with Nicole. I can't imagine anything more depressing than shopping with someone as skinny and gorgeous as Nicole, unless she was willing to shove pillows down her trousers and not wear any make up.

Hannah is singing Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, which I have to say, is not really a love song. And they did not choose a very flattering dress for Hannah, especially given the steps she has to walk up. However, given the power and soul she sings with, who gives a fuck what she's wearing? A lot of people are told they have soul on this show, she's one of the few where it's actually true.

Louis says she's amazing and it's hard to believe she's only 16 - to which Hannah kinda grits through her teeth "seventeen", lol. Sharon says she's beautiful and amazing, and they all basically throw huge amounts of praise on her. Gary says the tone she has can't be taught and she sung for her life and all those other cliches. Nicole goes on about having face goosebumps and almost cries. Hannah then cries a bit too and says she was singing it for everyone who feels insecure etc etc. She really does seem to be an incredibly genuine girl, I hope she lasts a good bit longer in this competition, cos I think she gets overshadowed by some of the others even though she's actually miles better than them.

So, that's all the acts and the Flash Vote is open. I guess they're gonna have some time to fill given that one of the acts didn't perform. Dermot asks all of them how they're feeling, and there is far too much use of the word "blessed".

We have to wait till after the break to find out who's in the bottom two tomorrow, and there's a super creepy ad with dancing babies.

We're back and so far the boys are all safe, as are the girls, so I think there's a good chance Shelley is going home tomorrow night. Except that weirdly, the Overs are safe. They literally cannot believe it and aren't even sure that's what happened for a few seconds and Gary's got a pure rage face on. Kingsland Road are in the sing-off tomorrow night. Oooh. I'm literally in the middle of my seat.

Results show tomorrow with Katy Perry and Robin Thicke. Lol, that should be interesting.

Till next week, I bid you adieu!

X Factor 2013 Live Shows: Blog 1

It's baaaaackkkkk!

Halloween is coming, the goose is getting fat, it's cold and dark outside - which only means one thing. X Factor Live Shows are back!

Dermot has a new place to stand, there's a (very well publicised and therefore not that shocking) twist, Gary is actually fun this year, they're already talking about Dermot's bulge, and it's 80s night!! Whooo!!

I don't know if it's down to Sharon, but really, he laughs and everything!

Girls are up first with Hannah. I have to admit, she does seem like a nice kid and she's got an amazing voice. Although apparently she isn't allowed to use it a lot.

Anyway, she's singing What's Love Got To Do With It and while she's grand, the production is swamping her a little. The judges love her (even if they get her age wrong) and everyone points out that it's nice not to see her cry for once. True, it is nice to see her do something other than the really heavy and emotional stuff she tends to do. Nice to see her enjoying herself on stage too.

Dermot points out that none of the boys, who are next up, were alive in the 80s and I immediately want to die. I AM SO OOOOOOOLD :'(

Little Nicky from Scotland doesn't know who Spandau Ballet are and can't pronounce their name. He also thinks that the 80s were all about Stayin' Alive. SRSLY, I FEEL SO OLD!!

He's in the middle of the stage singing True while a bunch of supposed teenagers in 80s formal wear dance awkwardly with each other. Nicky also has earphones in that remind me of that episode of Doctor Who in the alternate universe with the Cybermen. He's not bad, confident and with more performance than we've seen to date, but the high notes are a bit of a stretch at times.

It's gone to the ad break before the judges get to comment, and thanks to the ad for Cloudy With...2, I now want tacos. Also, am I the only person who thinks that Flora advert where the kids walk in on the parents "wrestling" is a bit wrong?

Sharon loves him and his accent, which she attempts to mimic with the expected results. Gary says he nailed it. Nicole says she loved him from the start and talks about his baby blue eyes, and Louis points out for the 300th time that he's ONLY SIXTEEN and says he's brilliant and what the show is all about.

I'm slightly concerned that I won't have so much to blog about this year, as there really aren't any completely ridiculous acts. The lack of a Jedward, Kitty or Wagner is a problem for those of us who watch the show primarily to slag it off on the internet.

Will no one think of the blogger?s!

Miss Dynamix, the band Gary threw together, are up next, and one of them's up the duff. They're doing Jump by the Pointer Sisters and so far I don't know that I'm feeling it. Their voices don't gel well enough on the lower register of the song, and it's hard not to compare it to the Girls Aloud version. There's just something missing, their voices are ok but there's not enough energy with them up on that box. And just as I type that, they get off their box and it gets better. See, I was right.

Nicole says they've come a long way, sounded good and it was a good song choice but they needed to have more fun and actually, y'know, jump. She's right, they do need to exude more fun and personality. Louis agrees, thinks the potential is good but they need to work harder. Sharon calls Louis huffy, someone in the audience shouts something that I didn't hear, and she agrees with the others that they were good but they need to let it go a bit more. Gary says he wants them to have more fun and bring it and all the usual cliches.

Now it's Sharon's Overs and Sam now. She's doing Power Of Love and looks great and will no doubt sing the crap out of it, but I agree with Robbie Williams' comment from last week that I don't know where she fits. I don't know if the SuBo fans will embrace her to the same extent, and I don't know who else is going to buy her records. The fact that she suits this 80s power ballad classic so well is potentially a big problem for her and Sharon - it'll be interesting to see what happens when she tries something more modern. And I praise the baby Jebus that someone has introduced her to an eyebrow pencil.

Gary says she's in a league of her own, perfect song choice, etc etc. Nicole looks like she's in heart failure and literally can't believe how great she is. Louis showers her with praise also and Sharon is chuffed. Sam is just glad she didn't fall down the stairs. As someone who also can't walk in heels, I feel ya, honey.

Sam the Boy (that's how I'm going to choose to differentiate between them - I have no time for surnames) and Kingsland Road are up next.

Who's that bloke in the Santander advert with Jenson Button? I've definitely seen him in something but I dunno what. I feel like he might have been a murder suspect in some sort of crime procedural?

I feel like these acoustic covers of disco songs on those Sainsburys ads are problem doing Abi out of a few song choices here.

I would also like to take this moment to point out that Sandra Bullock (who's on the Jonathan Ross Show after X Factor) is clearly a witch, because no one should look that amazing at her age. I mean she's nearly 50 for the love of god.

X Factor is back and they have Caroline Flack chatting to the contestants backstage, where Sam the Girl refers to her boobs as the Mitchell Brothers. I think I love her.

I just hope her boobs are a bit cheerier than these two. 

Sam The Boy is doing Summer of 69 and is wearing so much make up he is literally unrecognisable. Seriously, had he not been introduced, I'd have had no clue who he was. Sam, Sam the Mabelline Man. In his VT he talks about how he's had comments about not having the strongest voice and I'm not sure this will convince any doubters. He gets a bit weak when he moves about a lot, and sounds a wee bit constipated at times. But I'm sure he's gonna get a strong teenage girl vote, so he's probably safe for a bit.

Sharon says he's got a good - not a great - voice but he's good looking and is the full package. Gary focuses more on his vocals, which is completely fair enough. Nicole agrees with Gary on the vocals but says he was the only one with the energy of the 80s. Louis calls him a little Bryan Adams - so tick that one off your X Factor bingo sheet - and says he's great and gonna go far.

Kingsland Road are next and they annoy me already. I understand Gary wanting to put a boyband through, but isn't the market a little bit boyband-saturated at the moment? But anyway - apparently Gary has picked them an amazing 80s song and if they pull it off, it'll be better than world peace or something.

It's I'm Your Man by Wham! Vocally so far they're actually pretty good. They're also good at the whole boyband running up to the girls and making them scream thing. And so far I've not identified a particularly weak vocalist. I think Gary is feeling so nostalgic over them though that there's a good chance one week he's gonna jump up and join in. I desperately hope so, anyway.

Nicole was very impressed, says they sung well even with the choreography and says they have a lot of hair going on. Louis thinks they've got great energy, gonna go far, etc etc. He just about held off from calling them a little One Direction. Sharon loves them, and Gary says there's nothing out there like them at the moment. Er, ok then Gary.

Another ad break, after which we will have Shelly. Or is it Shelley? No idea, and I don't care enough to look it up. She's even less likely to make a success than Sam The Girl - Sam is legitimately a perfect singer. She's never hit a bum note yet, has incredible power and control, and really knows how to strike the right tone with her voice. Shell(e)y always goes a bit too far and is legit mad looking when she sings. I can understand Sharon picking one of them, but I don't for the life of me understand why she choose them both.

Oh, it's Shelley with an extra e and she's singing Alone by Heart. This is one I can't sing without going full panto, so I don't know how she's gonna cope. Her make up and styling is great and she's managing to control all her bad habits. But I can't help thinking she doesn't bring anything to the show that Sam The Girl can't do a million times better. They've got her with a wind machine and going up on a cherry picker now, and she just about managed to avoid doing her crazy leg stampy thing, and is giving her very best fierce face. But I'm still not sold.

Eventually the cherry picker comes down to let her off, and Gary says she's a great character but she didn't manage to modernise the 80s song, and Sharon (literally, physically) pounces on him and tries to shut him up. Nicole thinks she did a good job of stripping it back and is jealous of her cherry picker. Louis says Shelley gave it welly, and that it was good cheese. Sharon says it was amazingly brilliant and 80s.

This is what google thinks is "amazingly 80s". She did not look like this. More's the pity.

I can't help but feel that watching this on regional telly means I'm missing out on better adverts. I keep getting rubbish NI-specific ones about setting up your own business. I mean come on, that's hardly Saturday night telly fare, is it? And now there's one of those desperately uncomfortable driving safety ads with people getting killed in car crashes. STOP HARSHING MY X FACTOR MELLOW, UTV.

Geez.

Abi is next and I'm a bit worried. I really liked her from the start and thought she was a bit different and liked that she did her own thing and interesting cover versions etc, but I can see her being repetitive. However Nicole did a good job with James Arthur last year, so maybe she'll be alright.

She's doing a haunting piano cover version of Livin' On A Prayer, and I like it. I think she might be the indie/folksy James Arthur of this year. I don't know why they keep styling her hair so that the side that's hanging down is the side facing the audience though.

Louis calls it an amazing interpretation, couldn't hear a pin drop. Sharon calls her multi-talented and very special. Gary thinks she's brilliant and amazing, and Nicole thinks she's the only person to take the 80s song and make it her own style. I really hope people keep her there for a while at least. I also hope she doesn't rip off someone else's acoustic cover of something and pass it off as her own, like James Arthur did with Sexy And I Know It, for which I still haven't forgiven him. And about which I am sure he is gutted.

Lorna is next, and she feels like an underdog. She's doing So Emotional by Whitney Houston and will be dancing amongst topless men. Well, at least that's a bit different from her previous performances where thankfully Louis kept his shirt on. She's doing a great job of singing a huge song whilst still dancing and keeping the energy up. I think her styling is ageing her a bit though. She's only 26, I think, but they're dolling her up like a Real Housewife. She's much prettier and better than that.

Anyway, Gary says her pitch was all over the place at the start till the beat kicked in, then she was brilliant. Nicole says she also needs to work on her pitch, and that she didn't really remember her but that she was a diva in the making tonight. Louis thinks she has a very powerful disco voice and then the conversation waivers towards the topless dancers, which Gary thought reminded him of his early videos.

Pass the smelling salts, indeed.

Tamera is next and has to prove that Nicole was right putting her through, etc etc. I still can't believe this girl is only a teenager. Shouldn't she have braces and acne?! Anyway, she's singing Ain't Nobody Loves Me Better by Chaka Khan and is giving a very assured performance, solid vocals, good energy and dancing etc. Then she's dancing with the security fences you get at building sites. Ok then. Construction chic, I guess?

Everybody loved her, thought she had the X Factor, is a brilliant pop star, etc etc. Sorry, wasn't paying as much attention cos I was looking for that photo of Gary. The sacrifices I make...

Luke is next and it's all about the hair. I'm bored of it already, and his ugly earrings. I just can't seem to warm to this kid. There's nothing wrong with him, just not my cup of tea. He's singing Every Breath You Take by The Police and I don't think the girls shouting for him understand it's a song about a creepy, creepy stalker.

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They all love him and think he's sincere and an artist and all the rest of it. That seems to be the only thing they know to say to someone who's not a traditional popstar type.

Rough Copy are closing the show after the break, and I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with my life that this is the highlight of my weekend.

At least you have more than one life, cat. 

Lol, James Corden is there and looks completely scundered that he's been spotted in the audience.

Caroline is backstage talking to the acts, which doesn't seem to be working all that well cos there's too much going on, like Rough Copy's outfits. I do not understand what they are wearing. Like, I genuinely do not understand if they're actual clothes or if they've just gotten caught up in random bits of fabric.

Anyway, they're doing Phil Collins' In The Air Tonight and their vocals aren't quite as strong at the start as they usually are. I think that might have just been a bit of a wobble at the start though cos they seem a bit more solid now. But I think it could maybe have been a bit more...I dunno, interesting? There was just something a wee bit missing from it, even though I usually like them.

Nicole thinks they might be the best group the show has ever had. Louis calls it the surprise of the night, Sharon says it was a perfect performance, Gary says he's glad that he gets to mentor them in his last year on the show (I think maybe a lot of people didn't know that, judging from the reaction of the audience).

The Flash Vote is now open for less than ten minutes, and whoever has the fewest votes will be in tomorrow night's sing off. Ooh, the tension! They're all on stage as a clock counts down the seconds till the Flash Vote closes, while Dermot tries to make small talk with the acts. And then we get another break. FFS, like. Another chance to see that BLOODY AWFUL Lottery advert that makes me want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon and shove them in my ears to protect me from the awfulness.

We're back and once again, poor Dermy is getting harangued for his package. Hee.

The girls are all safe, the groups are safe, the boys are safe which means it's one of Sharon's Overs in the sing off. I hope it's Shelley, no harm to her, cos she is a geg, like. And I'm right, it is Shelley. I just don't see who's going to vote for her. Surely anyone who likes that sort of diva huge voice thing is going to vote for Sam The Girl, having them both just splits the vote. She's the Ross Perot of X Factor.

Anyway, that's yer lot, Cher and Ellie Goulding are here tomorrow night, and I'll see you next week for the next Live Show. Maybe. If I have nothing else to do. Which is highly likely.

I'm baaaaccckkkk....

Ok, so I know I should probably just take this shit to Twitter, but I've forsaken it in a fit of pique that I can't be bothered explaining. Well, sort of. But not really. Whatevs - point is I'm gonna slabber about crap here instead.

I think I might also need to issue an disclaimer of some sort - if you don't like slagging off politicians and especially the right wing, this is not the blog for you. 

So it's Question Time night! It's time! To face! The dickhead politicians and their dickhead policies who no one really voted for! Wooooo!!!

...wait, that's the wrong show, isn't it? Whoopsie...

But before we have Question Time, we have the BBC local London news (can't be arsed changing the region to NI, yes, I am a lazy bitch), so now I'm looking at this instead:

Ah, Boris. Boris and his big, silly head, next to his big, silly office building. I've spent so long staring at this picture that I have no idea what the story was about. Something about Boris Johnson and London, I think. I picked that much up at least.

Now the weather forecast: shit. That pretty much sums it up. Which brings me to another, completely unrelated point - why in the name of cheesus do UK fashion lines/stores not understand that they are selling clothes in the British Isles, where it basically rains all fucking summer long and drowns us all?! SELL SOME FUCKING COATS, YOU ASSHOLES. PREFERABLY ONES WITH HOODS. THAT ACTUALLY STAND SOME CHANCE OF KEEPING OUT THE RAIN. IT'S FUCKING IRELAND FFS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

(I'm doing my swearing-stretching - have to warm up before the main show, y'know)

Ah jaysus, This Week are doing a football-themed show this week. Holy mother of God, bless us and save us all.

Dimbleby's here, and we're off. No turny dancing thing from Dimbleby, unfortunately (I still say they should start and end the show with Dancing Dimbleby). There's a load of random asshole politicians on, Germaine Greer and someone else I've not heard of.

First question is about the UKIP local election results and does it mean Britain is going right wing. YES. COS ALL YOU FUCKING CUNTS READ THE DAILY MAIL, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU EXPECT?!

David Davis (Tory bugger) says we can't sneer at UKIP or their voters anymore. Well, maybe you can't mate, but it's not stopping me. Fucking UKIP mentalists. Jerry Hayes doesn't seem to mind having a wee go at them either, who wants to expose them for who they are, and says voting for them is dangerous, but less cos they cray cray, and more cos they'll help Ed Miliband get in.

Ooh, there's a man in an ascot! That should be worth something on Question Time bingo, right?

He voted UKIP, too. Bloody hell.

Some Labour shadow minister is talking about Europe and trying to scare people about jobs being lost if we run away from Europe, and Labour responses of improving working conditions and blah blah BORING SOMEONE DO SOMETHING RIDICULOUS!

This Labour bloke apparently heard me, cos he just called Nigel Farage attractive.

Germaine Greer says that the country has been moving to the right for a long time, and it's all cos of Maggie Thatcher, and then she said something else sensible and great that I have forgotten. Oops. Anyway, gwan ye girl ye!

Some wee girl from the Lib Dems is saying a lot of things without managing to actually say anything. Which sums up the Lib Dems rightly, I think you'll agree. She says that they all need to be better at reaching people, which Farage has obviously been very good at. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING THAT FARAGE IS DOING, HE'S A FUCKING NUMPTY JESUS WEPT HAVE A WORD WITH YOURSELVES.

This is all really dull so far, when's someone gonna do a Jedward-style mash up?

Next question - should the Queen's Speech have mentioned an EU referendum? Labour bloke Tristram Hunt says an in/out referendum is a bad idea, that it wouldn't help people find jobs or businesses grow or companies invest if we start talking a load of balls about Europe (I may have paraphrased a little...). Our economy is embedded in Europe, then getting out of the EU will make all of us lose our jobs and we'll all die under bridges, basically. Probably with a baguette up our arses. Again, paraphrasing.

Dimbleby asks Hunt about Denis Healy (former Labour chancellor) saying Britain should get out of the EU, and Hunt says he's not read what Healy said. Dimbleby duly tells him off for not reading the newspapers. Hehehe, gotta love the Dimbleby.

The Tory bloke is boring me so much I literally cannot pay attention to a word he's saying, something about trust, I heard a bit about his step-father and now he's talking about people selling things here from Europe and basically trying to refute the Labour scare tactics of yer man Hunt there.

Then he starts his own scare tactics of how more and more power is transferring to Europe every single day. OH THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS.

Hayes is now gesticulating wildly and arguing with Davis. Arms akimbo.

God, the EU stuff is fucking dull. I perhaps did not pick the best week to start blogging QT. Should've waited till there was something juicier going on that flipping Europe. Ugh.

Greer, again, makes more sense than anyone else on the panel by pointing out lots of sensible things about the positivity of inclusion in Europe, including the ECHR. Yay Germaine again.

OMG you guys, QT is gonna be in Belfast in a couple of weeks! I imagine I will need to be heavily sedated before that hits the airwaves.

Now they're talking about making NHS staff act as border patrol with regard to immigrants. Germaine thinks it's ridiculous that people from central Europe coming to the UK to do work that no one else is willing to do should be penalised if they need healthcare, but Hayes tells her she's being silly, that it's to stop health tourism. Yeah, suuuuuure....

I need this on a shirt, btw.

Lib Dem woman says it's all very clear and easy and simple, it's just to stop illegal immigration and clearly that's not a topic that has any grey areas whatsoever...

Davis is talking a lot and I don't know where he's coming down on this - he says that healthcare is not a pull factor that attracts immigrants to the country, and that denying anyone healthcare is ridiculous - so is he saying that he disagrees with the government, or that that's not what the government policy is when it very clearly is what the government fucking policy is.

Labour bloke says that it's already the law that hospitals pursue foreign citizens for expenses so this new policy is bullshit and is just trying to be more right wing cos of UKIP.

Audience man thinks we should have ID cards, Labour Hunt says we need a proper border force in the first place, and now the panel and audience are all shouting at each other.

Greer points out that there are a lot of British immigrants in other countries, that people move back and forward, and that you shouldn't be looking for a reason to not give someone medical attention who needs it.

New question now: should police withhold the identities of people who have been arrested until they've been charged. Hayes (barrister) thinks it shouldn't be secret, because apart from anything, it will come out anyway. But he thinks that people charged with sexual offences, particular rape and/or child-related sexual offences should be anonymous until after the trial because of the stigma. Dimbleby points out that more victims might come forward if they hear of the arrest of the person.

Greer thinks that the victim shouldn't have to be anonymous, because the victim shouldn't be ashamed and should show their face, but also thinks the legal category of rape is medieval and it should all be under the category of sexual assault, and basically it all needs overhauling.

Audience member disagrees with Hayes about it being easier for women to come forward and report rapes. She says that there were 95,000 rapes last year and only 900 odd prosecutions. Hayes then says you can only say that just the rapes that result in prosecution actually occur (sort of). Goes down very well with the women on the panel and in the audience, as you can imagine.

Lib Dem woman waffles a lot and says that the lack of anonymity helps more people come forward, which allows more offenders to be prosecuted, but victims should still have anonymity because they might be put off if they thought they'd be in the spotlight.

Dimbleby tries to get people to talk about anonymity of the accused but they still keep going back to the victim. Would it be cynical of me to suggest that they're doing that to have a chance to sound all nice and sympathetic to victims of horrendous crimes?...

Davis doesn't like the idea of secret trials if there is anonymity, but that it's totally whack, yo, that the cops and press turn up at the same time to arrest people. He thinks anonymity should remain in place until a charge is made. Labour bloke agrees with that, and thinks that post-Leveson the culture between the police and media is starting to change.

Hayes is starting to shout and gesticulate even more wildly about the criminal justice system being taken over by the likes of G4S and solicitors being disappeared off the high street and everyone is like...ok then, aaaaaanyway....

Greer says that rape cases don't get worked up because the burden of proof is too heavy, and there's a distortion of what rape and sexual assault is.

Next question: Should Cameron get rid of his Etonian cronies? This is in response to David Davis having a go at the Etonians earlier in the week, he says that you need a wider range of people and opinions to be able to understand the country and that's why he said it. Labour bloke says they should do what Lincoln did and bring in opponents to get a better range of opinion and ideas. Well, isn't that what happened with the coalition? Lib Dem lady asks the people in the audience and watching QT to get involved in politics and democracy - seriously love, you need to read a bit more of Twitter to see what kind of nutjobs (like me) actually watch the show...Hayes says doesn't matter where you're from so long as you're good at your job, which prompts Labour man to shout "but they aren't!" Heh, I did do a bit of a lol there.

And with that, I'm done. A fairly dull episode, fingers crossed for something to blow up next week (in a figurative sense, of course) to get a proper rant going.

X Factor Semi Finals Live Blog

I wasn't going to blog this week, but it's either this or start throwing up my popcorn. Yes, that's right, I'm watching Christopher Maloney. Bleurgh. The judges are being mostly nice to him apart from Nicole wanting to feel his performance more. There's a little bit of a shouting match over whether it's known as a Josh Grobin or a Westlife song, as Louis just keeps shouting Westlife over and over, but whatever. I'm starting to wonder if the other judges decided to be nice to him to see if that makes his public vote go down. As much as I don't want to take this show seriously, and as much as I'd love to see Simon Cowell's head explode if Christopher wins, I sincerely hope he's kicked out tomorrow night cos I just can't look at his stupid face or listen to his stupid voice anymore.

Jahmene is dedicating his song (I Look To You) to his older brother who killed himself. So basically the entire nation ought to be crying by the end of this. Nicole is at it already, but then maybe she's just also sad that the collar of a strait jacket somehow got attached to her otherwise pretty dress. I get all :'( when I go out in public with my crazy restraints still on too. I feel ya, Nicole.

Other than that, Jahmene's performance was very lovely as always and now he looks like he's going to cry. Bless him. Louis tells him it was very emotional, he's grown so much, and he's not going back to his Asda job. Louis is obsessed with people's former jobs tonight. Tulisa tells him he took it to the next level, Gary applauds the courage that it took him to perform it and Nicole is just in floods and starts wittering about baby Jesus and jubilations and stuff. When Dermot asks him how it felt, Jahmene just very quietly says that it felt like he let go of something. There is literally nothing that anyone can make fun of about that, so instead I'll make fun of Louis. That's always good for a laugh, and there's just sooooo much ammunition.

Union J are next and doing a song that's been out for like a month. Which was performed on this show a few weeks ago. I HATE when people do that. I don't really know why, but I just do. They're doing You're Beautiful by Labrinth and Emeli Sande which I actually kinda like cos I like Labrinth's proper singing voice, but of course they're boybanding the shit out of it, which is to say, stripping it of any real emotion, soul or artistry. I may also be particularly bitter today because I had to spend the day with a teenager who declared that One Direction are her entire life.

Everyone loved them, thinks they're about to be something very special, blah blah blah. Louis tries to shout something at Dermot and he completely ignores him. Heh. I do chuckle when that happens.

Sidenote: All these adverts for dance Wii/Kinnect games which seem to involve people having huge kick ass parties solely to play these games - fuck off. These are played by children and people in their pyjamas when they're bored or have nothing better to do of a Saturday night. No one has parties where they dress up in neon tutus and god only knows what else to play them. Stop it. Stop it now.

Also, Niall from One Direction is starting to look like a wonky member of Jedward with that hair. He might want to keep an eye on that.

James is next and he's doing One by U2 and he's dedicating it to his siblings. Hmm. Not sure how that will go. Showing him being soppy with his sisters is slightly hilarious because it seems so out of place for him. It would probably look more comfortable if he dedicated his song to a half pint of bitter, frankly. That's what they drink in the north, isn't it? He's doing that swirly thing with the camera where it goes around and round and he follows it and now I'm dizzy. I'm slightly concerned about my oreos and popcorn making a reappearance. I'm really not loving this particular rendition of his. He's quite good at taking otherwise bland songs and putting his spin on them, but this is such an iconic song that that is just not working this time. His second song better be a helluva lot better or he's in trouble, methinks.

Louis thinks he's gonna have three or four albums by this time next year. Just, just, lol. Tulisa thinks it was a performance worthy of going through to the final and she goes off on a rant about how the credible artist should win. Look, I know that for the X Factor, he's practically revolutionary, but for, y'know, the real world, he's just ok. Let's please not get on like there's Arcade Fire up there on the stage or something. If I was at a local gig and he was performing, I'd not be blown away the way I have been by several local bands on tiny indie labels. Because they really do take risks and ...ok, I'll just stop there before this becomes a slightly ridiculous rant. Anyway - Gary says he'll be well pissed (in so many words) if he's not in the final, Nicole blabbers on some of her usual nonsense, and James looks uncomfortable. So, basically the normal.

They cut to Jahmene and Christopher back stage who are up again after the break, and Christopher sort of playfully punches Jahmene on the shoulder or something, to which Jahmene gives the best WTF are you doing? face that I've seen in a long time. Jahmene FTW, everybody!!

Jahmene is singing At Last, which he performed at his audition, so Nicole shows him her audition for Pop Stars which launched her Pussycat Dolls career. I think that was meant to show how successful you can be from one of these shows but, c'mon, the Pussycat Dolls? Lol. Anyway, At Last is an amazing, classic song which I love, and he's doing it full justice, although he could do with turning down the Mariahs a little bit. It's ok to just sing one note at a time, dude.

Louis goes on about how he's special and first class, and sailing straight through to the final. Tulisa, who needs to find a dress and underwear that actually fit her, says he's bringing the fight. Gary takes the piss out of Louis for saying Jahmazing, then repeats it himself. Oh lord, what has Nicole done to this world. Nicole then starts speaking her punctuation dot dot dot YOU'RE A CRAZY LADY. HUSH.

Anyway, Christopher is next and he's going to sing a Michael Buble song from several years ago. To show that he can be current and up to date. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA *takes deep breath* AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHA *falls off chair* AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA. Christopher wants to sing his head off. If only that could be promised, then we wouldn't have to hear him again. Unless he's like that chicken in America that lived for years with no head. That would be weird. But possibly no less disturbing than this mess. He's making me like Michael Buble, you guys. And that's not a compliment to either Buble or Christopher. I'm making this face right now:

Nicole basically says it was an awful song choice, Louis agrees and Tulisa tries not to say it was rubbish, and Gary essentially says that people will vote for him no matter what.  Dermot asks him if we'll see Nicki Minaj from him if he gets through and holy sweet jesus if they could promise us that I might actually vote for him.

btw, if someone could pop by and turn on my heating, I'd really appreciate it as I'm basically using my laptop as a heater at the moment. And if you'd like to clean up my room and house at the same time, I guess that'd be ok.

Union J are apparently singing a Westlife song, and apparently Louis promised that if they got into the semi final he'd wear a onesie. THIS IS THE SORT OF THING THAT WE WANT TO SEE ON OUR SATURDAY NIGHT TELLY. He comes out wearing a green onesie in the VT, and they zip his hood up right over his head. Best he's ever looked. They've let George sing a bit on this one, which I think might be the first time I've heard his voice in weeks. I can't remember what song this is, but it's one of those soppy songs about being there that boybands like to sing about, with strings on it and where their walking is carefully choreographed. This might be a rather sinister song about being a stalker though, cos no matter where, they are already there. That sounds like a threat, if you ask me.

Tulisa says the vocals were great but they were playing it a bit safe. Unlike her chest region. Gary agrees that it was too safe and thinks they're at risk. Nicole thinks it was great and that Louis has been a great mentor to them. Louis promises to wear whatever they want if they get to the final. I think that George from Union J might be either cracked in the head or a potential serial killer, because he has a very strange stare and grin, which I've only just noticed. And after that stalker-y song....

James Arthur is next and he goes on about how the show saved his life and how miserable he was before, etc etc. Then he gets into a weird cagey thing in Nicole's video shoot. It was dad-dancing levels of uncomfortable. Hehehe.

He's singing Power of Love and it's all haunting and dark and stuff. Definitely better than the first performance. I notice that he's also managed to stop trying to pull the clothes from off himself. I think they found a new fabric softener for him at X Factor laundry services. I have to say, I like this cover version better than the soppy twinkly one in the John Lewis advert.

Louis says he's original, credible and has the X Factor; Tulisa is proud to be a part of the show with him on it and wants him to win, Gary says it was the performance of the series and James wanders about the stage a bit, and Nicole says this is why she came to the UK. Well, at least that's a reminder that we're shot of her soon.

And that's yer lot. No sing off tomorrow night, it's all down to the public vote. So everyone phone your nan and keep her phone line tied up so she can't vote for Christopher, you hear? Helpfully, they showed the most douche-tastic part of his performance in the recap at the end, so fingers crossed everyone.

X Factor Live Shows Blog 7

It's guilty pleasures week and there's only a few weeks left to the final. And Dermot is in Hammer pants. This might be the highlight of the evening right here, folks.

I almost wasn't going to blog this week cos I'm freezing and tired and hiccupy, but apparently I just can't let this show go unmocked by me. I have dedication, what can I tell you?

Anyway, they start off by recapping last week in the style of 24, and I honestly think they should consider adding Jack Bauer to the show to carry out the eliminations each week. Public vote be damned. The judges come on to Chesney Hawkes' One and Only which presumably means no one is singing that particular classic tonight. Sad face.

Let's get straight to the utter inanity that is sure to come our way tonight, and it's Union J, and they're gurning about how devastated it was to be in the bottom two last week. Wah wah wah, whatever. George is wearing a Christmas jumper that I want to steal right off of him, though. I have an obsession with Christmas knitwear. It's a disease, people.

I'm obsessed with Christmas jumpers, and this man is my leader.

Anyway, they went to Eurodisney, got sick on the rollercoasters and sang and bit, and now they're doing Call Me Maybe. NOW I WANT TO BE SICK. They have ninjas dancing on stage with them and I'm hoping one of them goes rogue and takes them all now. Now, that would be light entertainment.

It sounds exactly how you'd imagine a boy band singing Call Me Maybe would be. Which is to say, awful and self harm inducing. I'm currently trying to kill myself via a popcorn overdose. Which I just accidentally typed as poopcorn overdose. I certainly hope that's not the case...

Tulisa hates the song but thinks they were alright. Gary loves the song (Gary loves a cheesy, guilty pleasures song, who'da thought?...), thinks they bounced back from last week blah blah blah. Nicole thinks they did it justice but wants them to be more creative with their staging - no more jumping off boxes, she says. I'm with her on that one at least. Louis is begging people to vote so they're not in the bottom two. I'm begging the wardrobe department to stop putting them in matching shoes. It's just weird, lads. Well weird.

Ella is next, and she was also off in Eurodisney with the Union J lads, singing in a Minnie Mouse headband in front of some sparkly Christmas trees. She got to go to the Twilight premiere too, and declares herself as a massive Twilight fan and immediately I want her to lose. TWILIGHT IS THE WORST, PEOPLE.

Anyway, she's singing the Grease medley, but very very very sloooooooow with just a piano (which is obvious code for 'serious, emotional song'). Her dress is also very pretty. I want her clothes. Can somoene just send them to me when the show is over? Please? A choir has now appeared and she's doing some long, high Mariah-esque notes at the end of the song, and everyone seems to be loving it.

Gary says it was her best performance to date. Nicole wanted it to touch her the way her rendition of Cher's Believe, and didn't like the song choice but she made it work. Louis says it was electrifying and she's gonna sell millions of records. Louis then calls Tulisa a WAG, which doesn't go down too well with her who insists she's a WAF - was already famous. I'm a AOI - already over it.

If someone could please do something really ridiculous now, I'd appreciate it. The show is getting too serious and even Rylan isn't amusing me the way that he should. Can't they bring back Jedward for a wee break?

Speaking of not amusing, James Arthur is next. He's going on about how much it means to him, blah blah blah. He and the other lads also went to Eurodisney where he "rekindled the bromance with Rylan". Now there's a buddy show I'd watch. More of that, please, X Factor. Apparently he's doing something that's not his usual style this week, which I'm guessing won't be half as "different" and "shocking" as they want it to be.

And lo and behold, it's Can't Take My Eyes Off You. However I think what's different about this is that it isn't as "dark" as his stuff usually is, it's more like something from Jack Johnson. In other words, bland and dull. Now if he'd turned it into a metal track, I might be paying more attention. Of course the judges will love it though.

Louis says the song was a bit safe but he loved what he did with it and insists that he'll get a record deal. Tulisa says it was one of his coolest, most credible performance and witters on about Camden and what not. My reaction:

Gary says he wants him to win the competition, Nicole says some of her usual nonsense, and James looks very embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing. So basically the same stuff that happens every week, then.

Back from the break, and Dermot reads out a tweet from Ed Balls, shadow chancellor, saying that Call Me Maybe was the song of 2012. Nicole then starts chanting Vote for Balls. That was slightly weird. Then there's some stuff about what the judges' guilty pleasures are which involved Rick Astley, pushing it and Englebert Humperdinck. That was also weird.

Rylan is next and his trip to Eurodisney was just well weird - babies were being thrown at him, he was trying to talk to Mickey and Minnie but they couldn't talk back, it's all a bit mad. I really wish that his performances were as entertaining as his general chatter, but he just can't pull it off.

Anyway, he's all got up in some white PVC futuristic gear with LED lights all over it, and he's doing a mash up (does he do anything else?) of Girls On Film and When Will I Be Famous? and it's exactly how it is every week. Not enough of a train wreck to be hilarious, not good enough to be epic, and not as watchable as they seem to think it was.

Louis rambles something, Tulisa is disappointed and thinks it was a come down from last week. Gary says the good news is that he is famous, but the bad news is give it a couple of months and he won't be. Heh. Nicole goes on about which other contestants could sing and dance like that, to which Gary rightly responds that he doesn't sing. Nicole rambles on some other nonsense including shamazeballs. Rylan gets real with Gary by pointing out that he sings live where other people in the industry mime when they're performing like that. Gary, of course, would prefer if he mimed. Then Louis starts talking about a psychic?!! I have no idea what's going on, there's a good chance that I've slipped into a sugar coma and am hallucinating.

Dermot then brings up the boyband that Rylan was in years ago in Ibiza that seemed to look like a Take That tribute band. When Gary asks Rylan which band member he was, Rylan replies that he deffo wasn't Gary cos he's too skinny for that. Now that was kinda shamazeballs. I definitely did lol at it. Maybe if they just made the show the judges and acts arguing with each other it would be more entertaining?

Basically the show should be this, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, Christopher is next which means anything remotely entertaining or amusing is right out the window. Even when they show him high fiving Tigger at Disneyland, it's boring. Then he sings the dullest version of A Whole New World which probably put all the kids in the audience to sleep. I really do wonder how Gary manages to put up with someone so crap, and keep trying to pretend like he doesn't think he's crap.

Christopher is singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart, which I have to say is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I don't think Christopher has the hair for it though. This one definitely requires big, big 80s hair. And he's gotten to the chorus without any fists in the air...

Nicole says it was a lot to take in, as the huge face of Christopher on the screen behind him freaked her out, but for my liking it wasn't even enough. Louis says he must be doing something right but he doesn't know what it is. Tulisa admits that he is at least consistent, his vocals are always great, and that he sounded good. They all seem to be running out of ways to slag him off, but they should just come my way, I'll help 'em out.

And we've only got one act left, folks. I can't believe that the shows are going in so quickly now. In some ways it's a blessing, but in others, it means even less time for anything interesting to happen. Is there somewhere we can start a petition to get Jedward back on the show on a permanent basis? I think we can all agree that the show has never been as entertaining as it was in their year. Not even Wagner or that Kitty mess from last year could live up to their shenanigans.

So, Jahmene is next and he can't believe all the support he gets and he had a lovely time in Paris with the other contestants who are now his best friends. I want to take the piss, but you really just can't with this guy. He's singing Don't Leave Me This Way and it's all slow and soul and old school RnB and what not. They bring the beat back in for the chorus but it's not enough, or maybe the staging is just still too dark, but it doesn't feel as upbeat as it should do in the chorus for my liking. Even though he's on a load of multi-coloured boxes. Apparently Nicole doesn't mind them so long as boy bands aren't jumping off of them.

As Tulisa says, she's running out of ways to kiss his butt every week. She says that as a person he's evolved into the man he was meant to be. Not sure what that means but ok. Gary says he's amazing and phenomenal and all that. Nicole makes up more words. Louis has a go at her for having him on a box, as per my comments above, and Jahmene thinks he messed up a few times even though no one else noticed and Dermot plays with Jahmene's sparkly scarf.

And that's yer lot. I am away next week, so knowing my luck that'll be when someone sets themselves on fire live on stage while milking a cow or something. We can only hope, anyway.

X Factor Live Show Blog 6

It's that time of the week again, and is it just me or is it getting all the more depressing each week?

Although catching the end of Take Me Out is making me reconsider that statement. It makes X Factor look like the South Bank Show in comparison. And is making me feel ickier by the minute. I can't decide if it's impressive or pathetic that I've managed to hang in for this long. I'm leaning towards the latter right now.

But never mind all that because it's time! To demean! The music!!

So, Kye went out last week, which was rather on the ridiculous side given that he was up against Rylan. But obviously the judges are going to keep the only even vaguely controversial act in, particularly when they're getting trounced in the ratings. The theme this week is Best of British, and One Direction are performing. Oh Lord.

No. No, I do not. Even if you are Irish. YOU'RE STILL SHITE.

Introducing the judges, Dermot refers to Louis as a loveable Irish wolfhound. If by that he means ridiculously thick, irritating and embarrassingly Irish arse, then sure.

When talking to the judges, Dermot asks Nicole to keep it clean so she goes on about things being long and hard and stiff again. He asks Gary about Christopher and Gary says Dermot is always harping on about and being down on Christopher. Maybe, Gary, that's because WE ALL HATE HIM AND HE'S AWFUL. Tulisa and Louis say some stuff and no one really cares.

Christopher is up first and he's gurning that people are trying to spoil it for him with all the stories in the press. We already don't like you, moaning and whining isn't gonna help. Him and Gary are repeatedly singing the same line of I'm Still Standing by Elton John over and over and over again. Gary seems happy with him getting rid of bad habits, but he's still not got rid of the bad habit of turning up on our tellys every Saturday night. Is there a patch to kick that habit? Or can I just kick him?

So he's performing with a bunch of people who are, I think, meant to be dressed up like bowling pins? Wha? They seem to be showing us more of the dancers than of Christopher, a clever move to try to stop me punching my screen, methinks. Once again, he's got his coat on, and once again it sounds like a hideously dated karaoke performance. Karaoke by someone who can sing, but not a performance by someone who can sell records to anyone without a bus pass, who will sell out arena tours or who ISN'T BLOODY AWFUL. Being a successful recording artist is about more than being able to hit the correct notes ffs. Although Daniel O'Donnell was just in the news for breaking records of being in the charts every year, so what the fuck does anyone know about anything any more?

Nicole says he sounds great but is a karaoke king, not the artist who is going to break boundaries with music that she's looking for. Louis repeats the karaoke king line, and says it's like listening to Heart radio. Lol. Tulisa thinks he has a great voice but he's dated cos he's always singing songs of a certain era. Christopher keeps trying to argue back but does he really think that he's going to change her mind after all this time? Gary of course says he's made fantastic progress and everything, blah blah blah. Christopher says it's the type of music he wants to sing and with tears in his eyes thanks the British public for keeping him in. Good enough reason for the rest of the world to launch an attack on the British public, but perhaps I'm overreacting. It's just hard not to cos HE'S REALLY BLOODY BAD. 

Between him and all these terrible Christmas ads, my blood pressure is going through the roof this evening. I believe this could be readily treated with some pizza from Dominos. Y'know, if they want to bring me round a free one....

Jahmene is next and apparently despite the fact that the judges lost their shit over him he thought his performance was 'quite bad'. So Nicole gets Jennifer Hudson on the phone to give him some confidence. I want so desperately to find something to make fun of here, but I can't. Damnation. I also really covet Nicole's hair in that VT segment.

He's singing Angels by Robbie Williams, and it starts out completely a capella, then a gospel choir kicks in and it's someone unlikely, but he's making this sound not shit. Couldn't he have come out in a bunny suit or something to make my job easier?! It's far from my favourite performance, cos I do hate this song, but he's doing a good job of making it a lot less cheesy and a lot more gospel.

The judges, of course, love it. Tulisa has a bit of a slight dig at Gary again by saying that that's how you do an old school classic (i.e., take notes Christopher). Gary says he's never heard a version of Angels like that in his life, and I imagine Robbie is well jell, and of course Nicole is almost in tears talking about how he moves her and stirs her (which makes the audience do a big That's What She Said-type giggle) and how he'll be unstoppable, etc etc.

District 3 are up next and they're all a confuddle about the bad comments they've had recently. Which apparently means they tried singing every single song in the world for Louis. They decided on Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, which isn't exactly the sort of song you'd expect a band of young 'uns to do but there you go. One of them's playing the piano and the other two are on stools and it's all getting a bit Westlife up in here.

Their vocals are grand, but it's completely lacking in soul and sounds like exactly the sort of thing you'd expect Louis to churn out. Tulisa is smiling though and Nicole is crying. Oh lordy. Tulisa says it was an amazing decision to strip everything back to basics and a great song choice, says it's her favourite performance yet. Hmph. Gary says it's good to see them back to what they're good at but thinks there's something a bit dated about them, they lack the edge of Union J. UNION J ARE EDGY?!?!?! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nicole is all gurning about how she loves the song and how it has a deep personal meaning for her today, she loved the arrangement, etc etc. Whatever, it was Westlife all over the show if you ask me. Which no one is, but still.

Yes, Gary, Union J are alllllll about the edge...

And oh look, it's another John Lewis advert at Christmas with a female singer-songwriter type doing a fragile cover version of an 80s song. Wow, never saw that coming.

Ella is next, and she's another one that I can't be mean about. I'm beginning to think that I'm going soft in my old age or something. She got to meet the Kardashians this week, so I feel even more sorry for her now. Tulisa tells her to do it for the geowls now that she's the only girl left, and apparently it's gonna be an epic amazing version of Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah. She's on a stool too (they must have had an offer on somewhere) with a bloke playing guitar right beside her who we can't even get to see cos he's all blacked out. Better than him being blacked up, I suppose. She's in front of some odd purple archy thing made of umbrellas, I think, with fairy lights on it. That's sort of weird and completely irrelevant to the song, but whatever. She's on her feet now and belting it out. I can't remember what any of this song sounds like apart from the chorus so I can't exactly compare it that well, but she's singing as well as she always does and again, it's hard to believe she's only 16 with the stage presence and authority that she sings with, never mind her actual voice.

Gary says wow, Nicole calls her a righteous babe, Louis calls her an old soul trapped in a young girl's body which just sounds well creepy coming from him. He goes on about Tulisa trying to pull Ella back to Tulisa's urban roots, to which Tulisa replies "You wouldn't know Tinie Tempah from Tiny Tim". Which did make me do a little lol.

This bunny is more urban than Louis.

Rylan is next and man, am I tired of writing that. And he's doing the Spice Girls. Hold me, internet. Geri Halliwell surprised him during rehearsals this week, which of course made him apoplectic. His performance starts with a video of him supposedly parachuting out of a plane and then landing in the studio. That was rather Jedward-worthy, but he's just not mad enough to really muse me. He's doing a mash-up, cos he's incapable of getting through a song from start to finish and only seems to sing about half of it. This is just not as good as it should be. It should be Jedward doing Britney, it should be Wagner levels of cray cray but it's just kinda sad. Nicole and Tulisa are loving while Gary looks like he wants to barf. I'm with ya, Gary love.

Louis says he's a brilliant showman and that he loved it. Tulisa says everyone enjoyed it whether they liked it or not, apart from Gary who she refers to as Grumpy Spice. He says, and he looks as shocked as me saying it, "on the subject of fun, that was absolutely brilliant'. There is a but in there about the vocals but the crowd won't let him get a word out. Nicole gets up on the table (or rather tries to and realises she can't without splitting her white trousers) and rambles about him being fun and girl power and spice something or other.

Dermot starts the next segment in the audience, with some girl properly losing it over One Direction. And speaking of One Direction, An Startlingly Similar Direction are up next. They're dedicating their performance to the armed forces, as most of them have family connections, and they're singing Coldplay. YEAH, REAL EDGY. They're singing Fix You, which might be my most hated Coldplay song for reasons I won't get into right now, so I just want this to be over asap. They all seem to be wearing matching shoes, too, which is just very, very weird. Seriously, they're all in the same jeans, same boots/shoes, same white shirt and vaguely different black/grey blazers.

Tulisa says Louis is on a roll this week and nailed it again. She says the boys have found their market and are very much appealing to them. Well, if that isn't inspirational for the artistry of music, I don't know what is.

This cat has more soul and artistic integrity than Union J. For reals.

Oh, and the other judges liked it too but I don't care anymore.

James Arthur is last up and that is good cos it means this torture is almost over. In his VT he says he can't take compliments really well. Heh, he doesn't need to worry about that too much around these parts. First of all, he's wearing a ridiculous trucker hat. Second of all, he says he grew up with music like the Stereophonics and Stone Roses and he's singing an Adele song. Which totally makes sense. Apparently the song reminds him of where he's from and everything, so they show pics of him with his sisters where he has THE WORST EMO HAIRCUT IN THE HISTORY OF TIME ITSELF.

There, no compliments to worry about here.

The Adele song in question is Hometown Glory, and it's basically just him, his guitar and his tats, which are out I think for the first time on the live shows. There's very little need for me to write anything much about him here cos no matter what he does the judges will love it. And cos there's not much else to say about him, his performances are basically the same every week. It starts off as a decent enough cover of something you might not expect him to sing, and half way through he either starts wailing, rapping or it gets a beat, which is exactly what happens here.

Louis thinks he's like Professor Green or Plan B. Ummm, ok then. Tulisa talks about dubstep and wishing, before she was on the show, wishing that the public would embrace someone like him. Gary says no one should over Adele except for James, it was brilliant, blah blah blah. And Nicole squeals a bit, throws around words like swag and freak, making them verbs, and fat beats and what not. They keep going on about him using a dubstep beat on it but ffs it was only for like ten seconds at the end of the song. He might have "freaked Adele" but he hardly Skrillexed her. Anyway.

Now all we have to endure is One Direction. Honestly not sure I can get through that. Not without the use of food greasier and fattier and carbier than the handful of popcorn I just had, anyway (subliminal message: bring me pizza).

Five seconds in and I'm out. Night folks! Here's hoping they decide to pull the plug next week, just have the final a few weeks early between James, Jahmene and Ella like they want, and put us all out of our misery.

Dear Mittens, Please Go Away.

And that's the polite version.

Welcome to my myriad, rambling and sleep-deprived votes as I try not to snore my way through the US presidential election.

So far, I'm impressed about how much newscasters can talk about so little actual news. I'm also loving how completely patronising the reporters are when explaining the simplest of facts to us. I mean, come on, I know it's the US elections, but it's for a UK audience, we're not that thick. I smirked heartily, however, when David Dimbleby kept asking a Republican strategist why the Latino vote was traditionally Democrat and not Republican, while she tried to think of something other than "racism".

I find American elections so utterly odd. Not only because rather a lot of Americans seem to be utterly mental and not to be trusted to wipe their arses competently, let alone vote, but because of all the unnecessary hooha they create. All this nonsense with machines and touch screens and hanging chads and what not - what the hell is wrong with a pencil and a piece of paper?! And all the stuff they have to vote for all at once, it's a bit much, surely? I guess it's just stubbornness and familiarity breeding superiority on my part, but I much prefer the way our elections work. Obviously America is a much bigger country, both in terms of population and area, so managing the votes and counting them is a much bigger headache, but still.

Another thing that I much prefer about our systems here, is that we don't have political advertising. It seems to do nothing but propagate falsehoods and piss people off, so what's the point spending all that money on ads, rather than spending more money actually meeting with and talking to people, and getting their actual message out.

And lol, the BBC just tried to suggest that 70-odd percent of the vote in South Carolina was going to Obama. Emily Maitlis looked well confused.

Basically America is weird. That's my take on things so far. That, and that I want Jed Bartlet to be elected.

Can they bring on some dancing dogs or something? I'm getting well bored. I think I might actually have fallen asleep already. Doesn't help that I'm doing this without snacks. Rookie mistake.

Can we not have someone shoot an old man in the face again? Remember that? That was fun. Not for the guy who got shot, but for the rest of us.

If I am reminded one more time that 270 is the number of electoral votes that we need to get to, I will 270 someone right in the face. Take that as you will.

Also (genuine question here) why do they close the polls so early? 7 or 8pm is a bit ridiculous, it's hardly any wonder the lines are so long. Why can't they keep them open until 9 or 10 like any sort of civilised country? Hmph.

Time for some Coco Pops, I think. Hmmm, this milk might be a bit dodgy :/

It's quite funny to watch people like Jeremy Vine try to explain why rural areas of Virginia vote Republican without calling them red-neck hicks.

Y'know, I think they should approach the election coverage with a little bit less on the graphs and charts side, and a little bit more on the telethon side. Make it more like Comic Relief and the like - fill the time between counts with skits and celebrities looking like tits (insert joke about Nadine Dorries here).

I think I've seen more warnings against taking exit polls seriously tonight than I have seen "Just Say No" posters in doctors surgeries in my entire life. Therefore, exit polls are clearly more dangerous than heroin. That's the message I'm taking away from this anyway.

They're talking about big snatches on the BBC. *sniggers*

David Dimbleby wants to talk about the kind of man that Mitt Romney is. He's a dick. There, we're done. Next.

John Simpson trying very hard not to say that the Chinese prefer Republican presidents because they're immoral and easier to read. Lol.

OMG THERE'S A PASTOR STEVE HOLT ON THE TV THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!

Soz. I'm very easily excitable.

Well, I fell asleep then. I dozed off before Ohio, Virginia, Colorado or Nevada were called, and woke up during Romney's concession speech. Phew! I haven't really checked in with too much more news this morning, other than the headlines, but glad to see that so far (without Florida, mind) Obama seems to be ahead on the popular vote as well as the electoral college. It would have made things a lot more complicated had he won the electoral college but lost the popular vote, he'd never have heard the end of it.

I've also not heard the results on all the state votes, but it seems that it's been a good night for same-sex marriage rights, so my faith in the existence of humanity in America is starting to be somewhat strengthened.

This was such a different election from 2008. I sat up all night, glued to messageboards and various news channels and every website I could find that would give me more information, and despite Obama's victory being a lot more certain that time, the sense of euphoria and just pure emotion when he won was incredible. I was so touched that a country with such dire racial issues could overcome this to elect the first black president and start to put that behind them. I was moved by the sense of hope and optimism, and felt a sense of hope myself for my own country, that if they could do it, so could we.

But the last 4 years have knocked that hope and optimism out of me. Obama has been a disappointment in many ways, but he was always going to be. No one could possibly live up to the expectations of that 2008 campaign, it was always going to be an anti-climax. But what has disappointed me most is the utter vitriol and bitterness with which his election was greeted by the right. The blatant racism, homophobia and sheer stupidity and hatred that so many on the right have failed to conceal. The hope that he could unite the country seems like folly now.

But anyway. It was a long night, I'm still tired and out of it, but very, very, very relieved and glad that Obama won. Here's hoping the next 4 years prove me wrong about the xenophobia, racism and bigotry of the American right. I'm not holding my breath, though.

X Factor Live Shows: Live Blog 5? I think?

Ok, so literally still digesting the last of my nummy nummy soup, but here we go, it's X Factor time! And if that isn't guaranteed to give me indigestion and heartburn, I don't know what is.

So it's Number Ones night, and we're minus Lucy, as I'm sure most of you already know. Although it hasn't been mentioned as yet which is a tad odd.

Oh, ok, they're explaining it now. Tulisa sends her all her love while Louis claps like a seal. Gary is talking the usual stuff, and Nicole is dropping double entendres about stiff and hard all over the show. 

Rylan is up first, and in his VT he takes Nicole to Essex, which he describes as like "the Hollywood of Engerland". Yeah, totes. He gets waxed by Amy Childs, they teach Essex talk to Nicole and Rylan gets spray painted orange.

Nicole also agrees to get Rylan's face vajazzled on herself, which is bringing my chicken noodle soup right up.

So Rylan's singing Hung Up by Madonna, and starts off just singing (which both looks and sounds rather suspicious, if you ask me), and then the madness begins. He's got massive feather shoulder thingies and the set is named La Boutique Rylan. This is gonna end with someone flashing the vajazzled face of Rylan at us, isn't it?

Also rather annoyingly my internet connection seems to be being a twat and buffering all over the show (just wrote buggering there by accident, oopsie...) so apologies if I miss something important. Like Rylan actually hitting a note.

So far Louis and Tulisa like it and find it entertaining, which is the same crap they've been spewing thus far. Gary shocks everyone by saying that the vocals at the top "weren't too bad" but he thinks it will be his last performance. Nicole gives him a big ole Essex 'Shut uuuup' and tells him he was effortless and beautiful up there. Er, no.

God almighty but the Christmas adverts are boring this year. First ad break so far has brought us ads for Matalan, the Samsung Galaxy Note, eBay and the new Kindle Fire and I want to fall asleep. WHITHER THE COKE POLAR BEARS, TELEVISION??!!

It's not Christmas till these guys show up. It's also not Christmas at all cos it's early November, but no one seems to have told the telly execs that.

Dermot reminds us that Louis has been partially responsible for 23 number ones, and let's all just take a moment to think about that, shall we?

And now that we're all suitably depressed about the music industry, Union J are up now and their VT is just them gurning and moaning about how terrible it was to be in the bottom two last week and going out this week fighting, blah blah blah cliche cliche cliche. They talk about how they're just normal lads and immediately one of them tells us he used to be a jockey. Yup, that's totally normal.

They've given the Harry Styles lookalike one a guitar this week and they're singing a Taylor Swift song that I've never heard before. Possibly because I've only ever heard one Taylor Swift song. I frankly don't care enough to look up what it is. They're all standing on a platform with fake rain or snow or something on the screens behind them, and there's an alarming epidemic of popped collars going on here. Who on earth do they think they are, Nolan from Revenge? PAH.

Tulisa congratulates Louis on a brilliant song choice, and goes on about finding their market and nailing it with the song choice and teenage girls and what not. Gary says he was concerned they made the wrong decision with the sing off last week but this proved them right and says George needs to blend in more vocally. Nicole thinks it was a solid and sweet performance and tries to command the teenage girls in the audience like she's Moses with the Red Sea. 

Kye is all stoked after his performance last week and Robbie Williams liking him, he goes back to see his brother who wants to put him back to work as a chimney sweep and their eating a fry up with tomato sauce is just making me dead hungry. Gary tells him to find whatever he found inside last week to unlock that massive performance, but personally I think it's all down to the hair being quiffed up instead of straightened down like an emo teenager in 2006.

He's doing You Get What You Give by the New Radicals, he's all upbeat and wandering around touching hands with the audience and apparently pretending he's an airplane? He's also high fiving the judges and I think getting a tad carried away with himself. But I do think he comes off a lot better doing the more upbeat stuff, cos it doesn't result in me falling into a coma, so there's that I guess.

Nicole seems like she's suddenly worried about Kye being competition for her boys, possibly, cos she didn't seem too sold on it despite saying good things about it. Louis says something I pay no attention to but it was good, I think. Tulisa was worried it was going to be safe but says his energy won her over and of course Gary congratulates him on being a great performer.

OMG would they stop advertising food on the tv when all I've got in is soup and cereal?!! This is torture.

This is me right now. Apparently no one can hear me. Sad face.

Ok, they stopped advertising food and instead advertised Downton Abbey with an alarmingly crap cover version of The Times They Are A-Changing. Like, shiveringly crap version.Yuck.

James Arthur is next and there's still no sign of the Deirdre Barlow glasses. His VT is all about how his time at the X Factor seems to be bringing his family together and making them all happy and stuff. Him talking about anyone being happy is just weird. He has a masterclass with No Doubt, and Gwen Stefani clearly thinks he's an ass for singing Don't Speak for them, but says he's not bad anyway. And that's what he's singing tonight it seems. So far, it's fairly normal and just sounds like a very unoriginal cover version....until he starts rapping (about dumping someone) and apparently forgets his lyrics at one point. And then of course he starts doing his wailing thing over the end of it. Nicole is bouncing around in her seat in a manner which suggests she either has worms or didn't get to the bathroom during that last ad break.

Louis of course goes on about how he's so talented and puts his own spin on songs, so basically exactly what he says every week. Tulisa says it was stripped back for him, it was wicked and she loved it. Gary says it was another brilliant performance and that he always pulls it out of the bag every week and gets better and better. I honestly think he could take a dump on that stage and they'd applaud his authenticity and risk-raking. Nicole says the word time a lot and says "you just blow m-" and that's where my stream decides to buffer. Hehehehehe, dirty tv stream. She said blow my mind, btw.

Next we have Ella and she's been concerned that the themes have been overtaking who she is as an artist and wants to get back to her roots. No Doubt seem to like her more than James, heh, and think she's right to just want to sing a simple piano ballad. They think she's great and it's a perfect song choice, so let's see. She's singing Firework, by Katy Perry, btw. And I love and covet her outfit. It might not be the best thing that I always seem to want to wear what they dress a 16 year old in on this show, but there you have it. She wears a lot of sparkly, shiny stuff and I'm a clothing magpie.

Sparkly!

Shiny!

Pretty!

Anyway, back to the song, she's doing brilliantly and I predict that all the judges will lose their shit over it. I also predict that Katy Perry will leave the music industry forever upon hearing this. I might be a bit off on this prediction, though. Gary thinks the simplicity was great but that the key was slightly too high. Nicole is moved to tears almost and is babbling somewhat incoherently and seeing things. Louis goes on about her being a recording artist and says it was a brilliant song choice and I can't tell what Tulisa is saying because of the BLOODY BUFFERING. She says something about her creating a moment and that's what's special about her.

District 3 and there's some stuff in the VT about them being at school together (it had actually escaped me that they were a pre-existing band and not one fabricated by the producers), and then my ITV stream decides to fall apart so I have no idea what their performance is like. I don't think I'm missing a lot, however. It's Dynamite by Taio Cruz, from the few seconds that I saw before it went down. Technology should really be better than this by this point.

Performance over and the judges are arguing. Tulisa says they had too much to think about this week and Louis is shouting "no, no, no" over it. Gary says it was a bland song choice and they aren't the vocal harmony band that they used to be. Nicole says "No, baby, no" and tells Louis the song was wrong but he's having none of it. He thinks it was fantastic and Tulisa is waving her pen in his face and stuff. I wish she'd draw a wee moustache or something on it. The boys basically try not to say that Louis threw them under the bus by having them do something that's not them, and look like they might chuck up a bit. There are either loads of streamers on the stage, or someone threw a boat load of bog roll at them, so now I'm really wanting to see what happened.

Now there's a weird advert on for EE 4G with Kevin Bacon where he talks about Frank Carson and Coronation Street and dogs. I did wonder if I had fallen asleep and into another one of my mad dreams again, like the one the other night where I was on a bus with Obama, but no, this one was real. Now a Furby is singing Lionel Richie's Hello. Srsly you guys, am I deffo awake here?

I desperately need someone to come on stage and do something utterly mental and crazy. But maybe there's no such thing on the X Factor anymore. After Jedward, Wagner and Johnny Robinson, can anything ever be the same again?

Anyway, Jahmene takes Nicole to Asda to show her what his life used to be like. He shows her the barcode stocking gun and it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her when it beeps. That girl is cray cray.

I know someone you can call...

Jahmene is singing Listen by Beyonce, Louis is swaying from side to side in his seat, Nicole can hardly control herself (I'm telling you - worms) and I'm betting Gary is making notes on this being the wrong key for him. After the key change he seems fine, but the start was a bit wobbly, he sounded strained a little bit and we've not heard him be anything but pitch perfect so far. It barely matters that the odd note is a little off here and there when he's that good, though.

Louis goes nutty about how great he is, how he'll be in the final, he's never going back to the supermarket etc etc. Tulisa is speechless and giggly to the point of making very little sense. Gary says he killed it, even though it has an enormous range, and his talent is amazing. Nicole calls him a slice of heaven and berates him for making her cry and being so inspirational, etc etc. You genuinely can't say anything bad about this kid, and I feel so sorry for him I can't even make fun of him. Damnit.

Christopher is next though, and I have noooooo problems making fun of him, so bring. it. on.

Gary is loving that the judges hate Christopher but that he keeps getting through, and wants to give them more of everything they dislike. Christopher thinks the judges are being negative because they're afraid of him. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! No. No they're not. No Doubt tell him they're rooting for him, but I can tell ole Gwennie there is lying. I knows the truth. 

He's doing All By Myself, which is kind of hilariously ironic. He's wearing yet another coat, I think they just bought a job lot in different colours for him. Tulisa looks so bored she could kill herself, and Gary is trying not to smirk at her, I think. I might have just made that up, but that's what it's come to here - I need to invent things to amuse myself with cos god knows no one on stage is doing a good enough job. Especially not this utterly, utterly unoriginal, dullllllllll version of All By Myself, a song which I normally like (not least cos it reminds me of Clueless, one of the best films of all time. OF ALL TIME).

Nicole also likes the song, says he did an amazing job and to enjoy it and she was also seeing things again with his performance, this time eagles. Ok then.... Louis says he's a good singer and a nice guy, but he won't sell records. There's some odd cackling in the background which I'd like to have heard the origin of. Tulisa thinks it was a good song choice and a good performance, but it was five weeks too late and thinks it's just a lucky one off. Christopher is crying and Gary is telling him that he's delivering to his public and he sings brilliantly every week. Louis then wants to know if Gary honestly thinks he can sell records internationally every week. Gary doesn't exactly answer and they bicker a bit before Dermot cuts them off. Personally, I think Dermot should've brought them up on stage to continue the argument wrestling like big girls' blouses, but that might just be me.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

So that is it for this week, folks, and it's been a dull one. One can only hope for some sort of nonsense to keep us interested tomorrow night.