I haven't written anything here in a while. I haven't really felt like talking about anything. I'm desperately ashamed and embarrassed and disgusted with everything that I've become. I'm a complete failure. I keep saying I'm going to change, that I'm going to get better but I never do. I'm too weak. I'm a complete fraud. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I'm better than I think I am, but the truth always comes back to haunt me.

This might be the worst I've felt on NYE in a long time, and that's saying something, considering that I find it the most hateful time of the year and always have done. But this year I fucked up like no other. I ruined everything good that I've had, one way or another. Now I'm on the edge of turning 30 and I'm utterly disgusted with myself. I have a horrible, awful job that pays fuck all, where I let them walk all over me and treat me like shit because I can't seem to get myself together properly enough to get a new job. I'm more alone than I've ever felt before. Which, again, is saying something. I have nothing to show for my life. 30 years of nothing.

I'm stuck in this nothingness. Too weak and useless to do anything about it, one way or another. Stuck with the same awfulness happening over and over and over again, and getting worse by the minute. I just don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel anything ever again, I think.