X Factor Live Show 2: Live Blog

It's week two, and I'm already bored. That bodes well...

Our theme for this week is Love and Heartache. Or in other words, snooooooooze fest. Seriously, whither the Wagner? Wherebe the Jedward? Will Sharon at least throw something at someone? Entertain us, for the love of Jebus.

Dermot is wearing slightly looser trousers this week, but is still doing the Flash dance thing.

I think the show needs to commit and have everyone dressed as characters from Flash Gordon next week. 

Sam The Girl is up first, so of course her song is all about her husband, complete with wedding pictures (where she looked gorgeous, to be fair). She's singing Make You Feel My Love - so check Adele song off your bingo cards for this week. While she's obviously got a great voice, she doesn't have the personality in it that someone like Adele has, so it's a bit boring.

Of course the judges love it. Gary says she manages to take the bar up another level this week, it was stripped back and great. Nicole pronounces her name weird, but says it left her lukewarm and she didn't have the right tone. Louis calls her ScrewBo (seriously, like I'm not making this up), says she's going to be around for a long time and made it her own. Sharon shouts at Nicole and Sam says she doesn't want to be a one trick pony. Yeah, whatever, I'm more concerned about my dinner right now than what's going on here so STEP IT UP X Factor.

Kingsland Road are up next, and apparently the VT this week will be all about them going to the England game, in what seemed to be a desperate attempt to make them look less effeminate. Apparently they're doing Bruno Mars' Marry You. Literally the most awful, unromantic song ever, about someone who seems to put as much thought into a marriage proposal as most people do into choosing their laundry detergent.

But anyway, apparently they were all awkward idiots around the female dancers, and so far their performance is just them running around the place, till their 'brides' come out. Between the wedding bells over it, and the white ticker tape, it just sounds Christmassy to me. Although I actually like Christmas, so....

Also, apparently Louis caught the bouquet. Yeeaaaahhhhh.

Nicole likes it but criticises Gary for them not having any lead vocals. Louis loves it all, and says that him and Gary know more about boybands than anyone else on the panel - Gary's reaction to this is priceless. He looks like he vommed in his mouth a little. Much as the rest of us did...Sharon loves it and Gary goes on about their work ethic. Always a light entertainment winner, that one.

Dermot calls Louis Mr Lover-Lover, which makes us all vom again, and Nicholas is next. And he's singing Robbie Williams' She's The One. Uggggghhhhhhhhh. Apparently Nicholas is having trouble because he's never been in love, so because he has a crush on Nicole, they arrange for her to come and hug him and him to sing the song for her. That's....a little bit weird.

Then, to make it even weirder, some girl shows up at the end just as he's pointing to Nicole. Sharon calls the girl who showed up on stage a paedophile. Well, she actually calls her a paedeophile. Gary says he has an amazing voice, and that the performance was weird with the walking dead dancers who were wandering around. Nicole loves him and calls him natural and understated, and calls him easy on the eyes. AGAIN WITH THE EUWWWWWWWW. Louis calls him Baby Buble and goes on about the likeability factor. Another few checks off the bingo card then.

Abi is next and apparently she was majorly nervous last week, and apparently the cure to this is Nicole taking her bowling. I think Nicole would be better off trying to rid the poor girl of her headband affliction. Anyway, she's standing up this week and singing Kylie's I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head amongst a load of twirly umbrellas. Walking down the stairs seems to be scaring the shit out of her though, and given that I can fall while standing still, I feel her pain. However, she really can't get those high notes. It's just not suited to her voice and her range at all. The rest of the song is okish, but they're going to tear her apart for this. Not a good showcase of what she's about at all.

Louis says he's not crazy about it and she's better doing the singer-songwriter thing and that he can't get it out of his head for the wrong reasons. Sharon calls the judges all nuts, says it was a big risk for her, a very brave move, and that she needs more confidence. Gary says it was brave but it was a bit sleepy and something missing, but liked the creativity of it. Nicole says she much preferred her version over the original and calls her a hot tamale.

I want a sandwich. Can anyone help me out with that? Preferably some sort of toasted sandwich with melty cheese, and lots of meat. And maybe some fries.

James Arthur is in the audience and seriously needs to lay off the make up/fake tan/whatever it is. He looks weird. Being pasty-faced suits him better.

Anyway, Shelley is next and says she wants people to see that she's a nice person. Love, this isn't a nice person contest. The problem is you're completely inappropriate for the show. Apparently she's going to let out the fox or the beast, or some combination of both, doing Single Ladies by Beyonce. Of course, she manages to make it sound dated and awkward and about as current as Linda Martin doing Daft Punk

(ok, actually it's not that bad, but who needs an excuse to link that video). Ok, I do kinda love her personality, she's hilarious and everything, but she's never going to be a popstar.

Gary wishes her a happy 22nd birthday and is gobsmacked and says it wasn't for him. Which is about the nicest thing he could say. Nicole loves her energy but calls it sch-weird. Sch-seriously. Louis thinks she should be in Hairspray on the West End stage. Sharon asks everyone to vote for it, and Dermot brings her a cupcake with a candle in it for her birthday.

Miss Dynamix are being give a bye to next week cos Cece (the preggers one) got sick right before the show and was shipped off to hospital and the others couldn't learn the song as a duo in time. Depending on who goes tomorrow night, this could cause a bit of a stir (though obvs she's pregnant and they have to make sure she's ok, and it was literally right before the show so it's understandable that the other two couldn't change everything about in time).

Another break and I'm still waiting for that sandwich.

Sam, Sam, the Maybelline Man is up next and he's gurning that the other judges are complaining about his weak vocals. Well that's what you get for being a mediocre singer, innit. This week it's just him on a stool (well, he is Louis's contestant after all), on a light box, singing I Won't Give Up weakly, at least until the key change.

Sharon says he did really well. Gary gives him credit for taking a risk and says it's a massive improvement. Nicole says pretty much the same thing and Louis calls him the hardest working contestant he knows and a ready made pop star.

We've got Tamera next and her and Nicole bond over having holy grandparents. Come to Ireland, love, you can't throw a stone without hitting a holy Joe granny.

Anyway, she's got a fringe this week and looks a lot more like Rihanna than I've ever noticed before. She's singing Beneath Your Beautiful and it's definitely looking like she's gonna be the stand out from this series. You can practically see the pound signs in all the judges' eyes. As Louis says, she's got it all. Sharon agrees and tells her to do everything Nicole tells her, and says it was perfect. Gary says she's a superstar. Nicole goes on about how controlled her voice was etc etc. My comment is that that outfit would be better if it was a dress rather than a jumpsuit. Why are we still doing the jumpsuit, seriously?!

Luke Friend and his unwashed hair are next. I'm starting to really loathe this wee fella and I don't even know why. Just the mere mention of him gets me a bit ragey.

OMG they have that weirdo who auditioned with the picture of his cat in the audience. I never realised how much he looked like Mickey Flanagan before....

Luke is next and apparently his mum is basically stalking him. She's just desperate to wash his hair.

He's singing Let Her Go by Passenger, in a boat. Good song choice for him, but doesn't give him much chance to put his own stamp on it as it's not that different from the original. I still fail to see what's meant to be so amazingly original and individual and brilliant about him. Apparently any male acts on this show who don't look like boyband members are 'real artists' and amazing and unique just cos they're not that pretty. That was seriously not impressive.

Sharon says she has an awful soft spot for him, and loves his 'ooh-oohs' but also wants to know wtf is up with the boats, lining up Louis for the 'because he's sailing through to next week' joke. Gary says he was missing his edge (HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE ONE, GARY) but it was good. Nicole starts going on about edge and balls and various other things that don't make sense. Sch-unhinged. Louis is so busy being pleased with his boat joke that he just rambles something about him being great or whatever and loving his voice. Blah, blah, who gives a shit.

According to the app that judges the judges' critques, the public think Gary is making the right calls. Louis is only on 4%. Ha.

Rough Copy are next and apparently the pressure is on cos Nicole called them the best band on the show ever last week. Kaz talks a lot about his son and the cute little kid comes running in during rehearsal - Jesus, it's just like Joseph Whelan is back.

They're doing I Want It That Way. I wish they had done End Of The Road by Boyz II Men, cos I love it - entirely because of The OC. And let's face it, it is a better song. Had they done that with a video in the background of Seth and Summer, I think we can all agree they would win the whole show.

"Are you listening to Boyz II Men?" "I can think of no sadder song in the whole world"

Nicole says they took a Backstreet Boys song and turned it into a Boyz II Men song, but to watch their pitch. Louis is loving them. Sharon is also mad about them, and Gary says everyone is asking about them.

Anyway, Hannah is closing the show and is feeling self conscious about her size so goes shopping with Nicole. I can't imagine anything more depressing than shopping with someone as skinny and gorgeous as Nicole, unless she was willing to shove pillows down her trousers and not wear any make up.

Hannah is singing Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, which I have to say, is not really a love song. And they did not choose a very flattering dress for Hannah, especially given the steps she has to walk up. However, given the power and soul she sings with, who gives a fuck what she's wearing? A lot of people are told they have soul on this show, she's one of the few where it's actually true.

Louis says she's amazing and it's hard to believe she's only 16 - to which Hannah kinda grits through her teeth "seventeen", lol. Sharon says she's beautiful and amazing, and they all basically throw huge amounts of praise on her. Gary says the tone she has can't be taught and she sung for her life and all those other cliches. Nicole goes on about having face goosebumps and almost cries. Hannah then cries a bit too and says she was singing it for everyone who feels insecure etc etc. She really does seem to be an incredibly genuine girl, I hope she lasts a good bit longer in this competition, cos I think she gets overshadowed by some of the others even though she's actually miles better than them.

So, that's all the acts and the Flash Vote is open. I guess they're gonna have some time to fill given that one of the acts didn't perform. Dermot asks all of them how they're feeling, and there is far too much use of the word "blessed".

We have to wait till after the break to find out who's in the bottom two tomorrow, and there's a super creepy ad with dancing babies.

We're back and so far the boys are all safe, as are the girls, so I think there's a good chance Shelley is going home tomorrow night. Except that weirdly, the Overs are safe. They literally cannot believe it and aren't even sure that's what happened for a few seconds and Gary's got a pure rage face on. Kingsland Road are in the sing-off tomorrow night. Oooh. I'm literally in the middle of my seat.

Results show tomorrow with Katy Perry and Robin Thicke. Lol, that should be interesting.

Till next week, I bid you adieu!

X Factor 2013 Live Shows: Blog 1

It's baaaaackkkkk!

Halloween is coming, the goose is getting fat, it's cold and dark outside - which only means one thing. X Factor Live Shows are back!

Dermot has a new place to stand, there's a (very well publicised and therefore not that shocking) twist, Gary is actually fun this year, they're already talking about Dermot's bulge, and it's 80s night!! Whooo!!

I don't know if it's down to Sharon, but really, he laughs and everything!

Girls are up first with Hannah. I have to admit, she does seem like a nice kid and she's got an amazing voice. Although apparently she isn't allowed to use it a lot.

Anyway, she's singing What's Love Got To Do With It and while she's grand, the production is swamping her a little. The judges love her (even if they get her age wrong) and everyone points out that it's nice not to see her cry for once. True, it is nice to see her do something other than the really heavy and emotional stuff she tends to do. Nice to see her enjoying herself on stage too.

Dermot points out that none of the boys, who are next up, were alive in the 80s and I immediately want to die. I AM SO OOOOOOOLD :'(

Little Nicky from Scotland doesn't know who Spandau Ballet are and can't pronounce their name. He also thinks that the 80s were all about Stayin' Alive. SRSLY, I FEEL SO OLD!!

He's in the middle of the stage singing True while a bunch of supposed teenagers in 80s formal wear dance awkwardly with each other. Nicky also has earphones in that remind me of that episode of Doctor Who in the alternate universe with the Cybermen. He's not bad, confident and with more performance than we've seen to date, but the high notes are a bit of a stretch at times.

It's gone to the ad break before the judges get to comment, and thanks to the ad for Cloudy With...2, I now want tacos. Also, am I the only person who thinks that Flora advert where the kids walk in on the parents "wrestling" is a bit wrong?

Sharon loves him and his accent, which she attempts to mimic with the expected results. Gary says he nailed it. Nicole says she loved him from the start and talks about his baby blue eyes, and Louis points out for the 300th time that he's ONLY SIXTEEN and says he's brilliant and what the show is all about.

I'm slightly concerned that I won't have so much to blog about this year, as there really aren't any completely ridiculous acts. The lack of a Jedward, Kitty or Wagner is a problem for those of us who watch the show primarily to slag it off on the internet.

Will no one think of the blogger?s!

Miss Dynamix, the band Gary threw together, are up next, and one of them's up the duff. They're doing Jump by the Pointer Sisters and so far I don't know that I'm feeling it. Their voices don't gel well enough on the lower register of the song, and it's hard not to compare it to the Girls Aloud version. There's just something missing, their voices are ok but there's not enough energy with them up on that box. And just as I type that, they get off their box and it gets better. See, I was right.

Nicole says they've come a long way, sounded good and it was a good song choice but they needed to have more fun and actually, y'know, jump. She's right, they do need to exude more fun and personality. Louis agrees, thinks the potential is good but they need to work harder. Sharon calls Louis huffy, someone in the audience shouts something that I didn't hear, and she agrees with the others that they were good but they need to let it go a bit more. Gary says he wants them to have more fun and bring it and all the usual cliches.

Now it's Sharon's Overs and Sam now. She's doing Power Of Love and looks great and will no doubt sing the crap out of it, but I agree with Robbie Williams' comment from last week that I don't know where she fits. I don't know if the SuBo fans will embrace her to the same extent, and I don't know who else is going to buy her records. The fact that she suits this 80s power ballad classic so well is potentially a big problem for her and Sharon - it'll be interesting to see what happens when she tries something more modern. And I praise the baby Jebus that someone has introduced her to an eyebrow pencil.

Gary says she's in a league of her own, perfect song choice, etc etc. Nicole looks like she's in heart failure and literally can't believe how great she is. Louis showers her with praise also and Sharon is chuffed. Sam is just glad she didn't fall down the stairs. As someone who also can't walk in heels, I feel ya, honey.

Sam the Boy (that's how I'm going to choose to differentiate between them - I have no time for surnames) and Kingsland Road are up next.

Who's that bloke in the Santander advert with Jenson Button? I've definitely seen him in something but I dunno what. I feel like he might have been a murder suspect in some sort of crime procedural?

I feel like these acoustic covers of disco songs on those Sainsburys ads are problem doing Abi out of a few song choices here.

I would also like to take this moment to point out that Sandra Bullock (who's on the Jonathan Ross Show after X Factor) is clearly a witch, because no one should look that amazing at her age. I mean she's nearly 50 for the love of god.

X Factor is back and they have Caroline Flack chatting to the contestants backstage, where Sam the Girl refers to her boobs as the Mitchell Brothers. I think I love her.

I just hope her boobs are a bit cheerier than these two. 

Sam The Boy is doing Summer of 69 and is wearing so much make up he is literally unrecognisable. Seriously, had he not been introduced, I'd have had no clue who he was. Sam, Sam the Mabelline Man. In his VT he talks about how he's had comments about not having the strongest voice and I'm not sure this will convince any doubters. He gets a bit weak when he moves about a lot, and sounds a wee bit constipated at times. But I'm sure he's gonna get a strong teenage girl vote, so he's probably safe for a bit.

Sharon says he's got a good - not a great - voice but he's good looking and is the full package. Gary focuses more on his vocals, which is completely fair enough. Nicole agrees with Gary on the vocals but says he was the only one with the energy of the 80s. Louis calls him a little Bryan Adams - so tick that one off your X Factor bingo sheet - and says he's great and gonna go far.

Kingsland Road are next and they annoy me already. I understand Gary wanting to put a boyband through, but isn't the market a little bit boyband-saturated at the moment? But anyway - apparently Gary has picked them an amazing 80s song and if they pull it off, it'll be better than world peace or something.

It's I'm Your Man by Wham! Vocally so far they're actually pretty good. They're also good at the whole boyband running up to the girls and making them scream thing. And so far I've not identified a particularly weak vocalist. I think Gary is feeling so nostalgic over them though that there's a good chance one week he's gonna jump up and join in. I desperately hope so, anyway.

Nicole was very impressed, says they sung well even with the choreography and says they have a lot of hair going on. Louis thinks they've got great energy, gonna go far, etc etc. He just about held off from calling them a little One Direction. Sharon loves them, and Gary says there's nothing out there like them at the moment. Er, ok then Gary.

Another ad break, after which we will have Shelly. Or is it Shelley? No idea, and I don't care enough to look it up. She's even less likely to make a success than Sam The Girl - Sam is legitimately a perfect singer. She's never hit a bum note yet, has incredible power and control, and really knows how to strike the right tone with her voice. Shell(e)y always goes a bit too far and is legit mad looking when she sings. I can understand Sharon picking one of them, but I don't for the life of me understand why she choose them both.

Oh, it's Shelley with an extra e and she's singing Alone by Heart. This is one I can't sing without going full panto, so I don't know how she's gonna cope. Her make up and styling is great and she's managing to control all her bad habits. But I can't help thinking she doesn't bring anything to the show that Sam The Girl can't do a million times better. They've got her with a wind machine and going up on a cherry picker now, and she just about managed to avoid doing her crazy leg stampy thing, and is giving her very best fierce face. But I'm still not sold.

Eventually the cherry picker comes down to let her off, and Gary says she's a great character but she didn't manage to modernise the 80s song, and Sharon (literally, physically) pounces on him and tries to shut him up. Nicole thinks she did a good job of stripping it back and is jealous of her cherry picker. Louis says Shelley gave it welly, and that it was good cheese. Sharon says it was amazingly brilliant and 80s.

This is what google thinks is "amazingly 80s". She did not look like this. More's the pity.

I can't help but feel that watching this on regional telly means I'm missing out on better adverts. I keep getting rubbish NI-specific ones about setting up your own business. I mean come on, that's hardly Saturday night telly fare, is it? And now there's one of those desperately uncomfortable driving safety ads with people getting killed in car crashes. STOP HARSHING MY X FACTOR MELLOW, UTV.

Geez.

Abi is next and I'm a bit worried. I really liked her from the start and thought she was a bit different and liked that she did her own thing and interesting cover versions etc, but I can see her being repetitive. However Nicole did a good job with James Arthur last year, so maybe she'll be alright.

She's doing a haunting piano cover version of Livin' On A Prayer, and I like it. I think she might be the indie/folksy James Arthur of this year. I don't know why they keep styling her hair so that the side that's hanging down is the side facing the audience though.

Louis calls it an amazing interpretation, couldn't hear a pin drop. Sharon calls her multi-talented and very special. Gary thinks she's brilliant and amazing, and Nicole thinks she's the only person to take the 80s song and make it her own style. I really hope people keep her there for a while at least. I also hope she doesn't rip off someone else's acoustic cover of something and pass it off as her own, like James Arthur did with Sexy And I Know It, for which I still haven't forgiven him. And about which I am sure he is gutted.

Lorna is next, and she feels like an underdog. She's doing So Emotional by Whitney Houston and will be dancing amongst topless men. Well, at least that's a bit different from her previous performances where thankfully Louis kept his shirt on. She's doing a great job of singing a huge song whilst still dancing and keeping the energy up. I think her styling is ageing her a bit though. She's only 26, I think, but they're dolling her up like a Real Housewife. She's much prettier and better than that.

Anyway, Gary says her pitch was all over the place at the start till the beat kicked in, then she was brilliant. Nicole says she also needs to work on her pitch, and that she didn't really remember her but that she was a diva in the making tonight. Louis thinks she has a very powerful disco voice and then the conversation waivers towards the topless dancers, which Gary thought reminded him of his early videos.

Pass the smelling salts, indeed.

Tamera is next and has to prove that Nicole was right putting her through, etc etc. I still can't believe this girl is only a teenager. Shouldn't she have braces and acne?! Anyway, she's singing Ain't Nobody Loves Me Better by Chaka Khan and is giving a very assured performance, solid vocals, good energy and dancing etc. Then she's dancing with the security fences you get at building sites. Ok then. Construction chic, I guess?

Everybody loved her, thought she had the X Factor, is a brilliant pop star, etc etc. Sorry, wasn't paying as much attention cos I was looking for that photo of Gary. The sacrifices I make...

Luke is next and it's all about the hair. I'm bored of it already, and his ugly earrings. I just can't seem to warm to this kid. There's nothing wrong with him, just not my cup of tea. He's singing Every Breath You Take by The Police and I don't think the girls shouting for him understand it's a song about a creepy, creepy stalker.

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They all love him and think he's sincere and an artist and all the rest of it. That seems to be the only thing they know to say to someone who's not a traditional popstar type.

Rough Copy are closing the show after the break, and I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with my life that this is the highlight of my weekend.

At least you have more than one life, cat. 

Lol, James Corden is there and looks completely scundered that he's been spotted in the audience.

Caroline is backstage talking to the acts, which doesn't seem to be working all that well cos there's too much going on, like Rough Copy's outfits. I do not understand what they are wearing. Like, I genuinely do not understand if they're actual clothes or if they've just gotten caught up in random bits of fabric.

Anyway, they're doing Phil Collins' In The Air Tonight and their vocals aren't quite as strong at the start as they usually are. I think that might have just been a bit of a wobble at the start though cos they seem a bit more solid now. But I think it could maybe have been a bit more...I dunno, interesting? There was just something a wee bit missing from it, even though I usually like them.

Nicole thinks they might be the best group the show has ever had. Louis calls it the surprise of the night, Sharon says it was a perfect performance, Gary says he's glad that he gets to mentor them in his last year on the show (I think maybe a lot of people didn't know that, judging from the reaction of the audience).

The Flash Vote is now open for less than ten minutes, and whoever has the fewest votes will be in tomorrow night's sing off. Ooh, the tension! They're all on stage as a clock counts down the seconds till the Flash Vote closes, while Dermot tries to make small talk with the acts. And then we get another break. FFS, like. Another chance to see that BLOODY AWFUL Lottery advert that makes me want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon and shove them in my ears to protect me from the awfulness.

We're back and once again, poor Dermy is getting harangued for his package. Hee.

The girls are all safe, the groups are safe, the boys are safe which means it's one of Sharon's Overs in the sing off. I hope it's Shelley, no harm to her, cos she is a geg, like. And I'm right, it is Shelley. I just don't see who's going to vote for her. Surely anyone who likes that sort of diva huge voice thing is going to vote for Sam The Girl, having them both just splits the vote. She's the Ross Perot of X Factor.

Anyway, that's yer lot, Cher and Ellie Goulding are here tomorrow night, and I'll see you next week for the next Live Show. Maybe. If I have nothing else to do. Which is highly likely.