X Factor Live Shows Blog 7

It's guilty pleasures week and there's only a few weeks left to the final. And Dermot is in Hammer pants. This might be the highlight of the evening right here, folks.

I almost wasn't going to blog this week cos I'm freezing and tired and hiccupy, but apparently I just can't let this show go unmocked by me. I have dedication, what can I tell you?

Anyway, they start off by recapping last week in the style of 24, and I honestly think they should consider adding Jack Bauer to the show to carry out the eliminations each week. Public vote be damned. The judges come on to Chesney Hawkes' One and Only which presumably means no one is singing that particular classic tonight. Sad face.

Let's get straight to the utter inanity that is sure to come our way tonight, and it's Union J, and they're gurning about how devastated it was to be in the bottom two last week. Wah wah wah, whatever. George is wearing a Christmas jumper that I want to steal right off of him, though. I have an obsession with Christmas knitwear. It's a disease, people.

I'm obsessed with Christmas jumpers, and this man is my leader.

Anyway, they went to Eurodisney, got sick on the rollercoasters and sang and bit, and now they're doing Call Me Maybe. NOW I WANT TO BE SICK. They have ninjas dancing on stage with them and I'm hoping one of them goes rogue and takes them all now. Now, that would be light entertainment.

It sounds exactly how you'd imagine a boy band singing Call Me Maybe would be. Which is to say, awful and self harm inducing. I'm currently trying to kill myself via a popcorn overdose. Which I just accidentally typed as poopcorn overdose. I certainly hope that's not the case...

Tulisa hates the song but thinks they were alright. Gary loves the song (Gary loves a cheesy, guilty pleasures song, who'da thought?...), thinks they bounced back from last week blah blah blah. Nicole thinks they did it justice but wants them to be more creative with their staging - no more jumping off boxes, she says. I'm with her on that one at least. Louis is begging people to vote so they're not in the bottom two. I'm begging the wardrobe department to stop putting them in matching shoes. It's just weird, lads. Well weird.

Ella is next, and she was also off in Eurodisney with the Union J lads, singing in a Minnie Mouse headband in front of some sparkly Christmas trees. She got to go to the Twilight premiere too, and declares herself as a massive Twilight fan and immediately I want her to lose. TWILIGHT IS THE WORST, PEOPLE.

Anyway, she's singing the Grease medley, but very very very sloooooooow with just a piano (which is obvious code for 'serious, emotional song'). Her dress is also very pretty. I want her clothes. Can somoene just send them to me when the show is over? Please? A choir has now appeared and she's doing some long, high Mariah-esque notes at the end of the song, and everyone seems to be loving it.

Gary says it was her best performance to date. Nicole wanted it to touch her the way her rendition of Cher's Believe, and didn't like the song choice but she made it work. Louis says it was electrifying and she's gonna sell millions of records. Louis then calls Tulisa a WAG, which doesn't go down too well with her who insists she's a WAF - was already famous. I'm a AOI - already over it.

If someone could please do something really ridiculous now, I'd appreciate it. The show is getting too serious and even Rylan isn't amusing me the way that he should. Can't they bring back Jedward for a wee break?

Speaking of not amusing, James Arthur is next. He's going on about how much it means to him, blah blah blah. He and the other lads also went to Eurodisney where he "rekindled the bromance with Rylan". Now there's a buddy show I'd watch. More of that, please, X Factor. Apparently he's doing something that's not his usual style this week, which I'm guessing won't be half as "different" and "shocking" as they want it to be.

And lo and behold, it's Can't Take My Eyes Off You. However I think what's different about this is that it isn't as "dark" as his stuff usually is, it's more like something from Jack Johnson. In other words, bland and dull. Now if he'd turned it into a metal track, I might be paying more attention. Of course the judges will love it though.

Louis says the song was a bit safe but he loved what he did with it and insists that he'll get a record deal. Tulisa says it was one of his coolest, most credible performance and witters on about Camden and what not. My reaction:

Gary says he wants him to win the competition, Nicole says some of her usual nonsense, and James looks very embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing. So basically the same stuff that happens every week, then.

Back from the break, and Dermot reads out a tweet from Ed Balls, shadow chancellor, saying that Call Me Maybe was the song of 2012. Nicole then starts chanting Vote for Balls. That was slightly weird. Then there's some stuff about what the judges' guilty pleasures are which involved Rick Astley, pushing it and Englebert Humperdinck. That was also weird.

Rylan is next and his trip to Eurodisney was just well weird - babies were being thrown at him, he was trying to talk to Mickey and Minnie but they couldn't talk back, it's all a bit mad. I really wish that his performances were as entertaining as his general chatter, but he just can't pull it off.

Anyway, he's all got up in some white PVC futuristic gear with LED lights all over it, and he's doing a mash up (does he do anything else?) of Girls On Film and When Will I Be Famous? and it's exactly how it is every week. Not enough of a train wreck to be hilarious, not good enough to be epic, and not as watchable as they seem to think it was.

Louis rambles something, Tulisa is disappointed and thinks it was a come down from last week. Gary says the good news is that he is famous, but the bad news is give it a couple of months and he won't be. Heh. Nicole goes on about which other contestants could sing and dance like that, to which Gary rightly responds that he doesn't sing. Nicole rambles on some other nonsense including shamazeballs. Rylan gets real with Gary by pointing out that he sings live where other people in the industry mime when they're performing like that. Gary, of course, would prefer if he mimed. Then Louis starts talking about a psychic?!! I have no idea what's going on, there's a good chance that I've slipped into a sugar coma and am hallucinating.

Dermot then brings up the boyband that Rylan was in years ago in Ibiza that seemed to look like a Take That tribute band. When Gary asks Rylan which band member he was, Rylan replies that he deffo wasn't Gary cos he's too skinny for that. Now that was kinda shamazeballs. I definitely did lol at it. Maybe if they just made the show the judges and acts arguing with each other it would be more entertaining?

Basically the show should be this, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, Christopher is next which means anything remotely entertaining or amusing is right out the window. Even when they show him high fiving Tigger at Disneyland, it's boring. Then he sings the dullest version of A Whole New World which probably put all the kids in the audience to sleep. I really do wonder how Gary manages to put up with someone so crap, and keep trying to pretend like he doesn't think he's crap.

Christopher is singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart, which I have to say is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I don't think Christopher has the hair for it though. This one definitely requires big, big 80s hair. And he's gotten to the chorus without any fists in the air...

Nicole says it was a lot to take in, as the huge face of Christopher on the screen behind him freaked her out, but for my liking it wasn't even enough. Louis says he must be doing something right but he doesn't know what it is. Tulisa admits that he is at least consistent, his vocals are always great, and that he sounded good. They all seem to be running out of ways to slag him off, but they should just come my way, I'll help 'em out.

And we've only got one act left, folks. I can't believe that the shows are going in so quickly now. In some ways it's a blessing, but in others, it means even less time for anything interesting to happen. Is there somewhere we can start a petition to get Jedward back on the show on a permanent basis? I think we can all agree that the show has never been as entertaining as it was in their year. Not even Wagner or that Kitty mess from last year could live up to their shenanigans.

So, Jahmene is next and he can't believe all the support he gets and he had a lovely time in Paris with the other contestants who are now his best friends. I want to take the piss, but you really just can't with this guy. He's singing Don't Leave Me This Way and it's all slow and soul and old school RnB and what not. They bring the beat back in for the chorus but it's not enough, or maybe the staging is just still too dark, but it doesn't feel as upbeat as it should do in the chorus for my liking. Even though he's on a load of multi-coloured boxes. Apparently Nicole doesn't mind them so long as boy bands aren't jumping off of them.

As Tulisa says, she's running out of ways to kiss his butt every week. She says that as a person he's evolved into the man he was meant to be. Not sure what that means but ok. Gary says he's amazing and phenomenal and all that. Nicole makes up more words. Louis has a go at her for having him on a box, as per my comments above, and Jahmene thinks he messed up a few times even though no one else noticed and Dermot plays with Jahmene's sparkly scarf.

And that's yer lot. I am away next week, so knowing my luck that'll be when someone sets themselves on fire live on stage while milking a cow or something. We can only hope, anyway.

X Factor Live Show Blog 6

It's that time of the week again, and is it just me or is it getting all the more depressing each week?

Although catching the end of Take Me Out is making me reconsider that statement. It makes X Factor look like the South Bank Show in comparison. And is making me feel ickier by the minute. I can't decide if it's impressive or pathetic that I've managed to hang in for this long. I'm leaning towards the latter right now.

But never mind all that because it's time! To demean! The music!!

So, Kye went out last week, which was rather on the ridiculous side given that he was up against Rylan. But obviously the judges are going to keep the only even vaguely controversial act in, particularly when they're getting trounced in the ratings. The theme this week is Best of British, and One Direction are performing. Oh Lord.

No. No, I do not. Even if you are Irish. YOU'RE STILL SHITE.

Introducing the judges, Dermot refers to Louis as a loveable Irish wolfhound. If by that he means ridiculously thick, irritating and embarrassingly Irish arse, then sure.

When talking to the judges, Dermot asks Nicole to keep it clean so she goes on about things being long and hard and stiff again. He asks Gary about Christopher and Gary says Dermot is always harping on about and being down on Christopher. Maybe, Gary, that's because WE ALL HATE HIM AND HE'S AWFUL. Tulisa and Louis say some stuff and no one really cares.

Christopher is up first and he's gurning that people are trying to spoil it for him with all the stories in the press. We already don't like you, moaning and whining isn't gonna help. Him and Gary are repeatedly singing the same line of I'm Still Standing by Elton John over and over and over again. Gary seems happy with him getting rid of bad habits, but he's still not got rid of the bad habit of turning up on our tellys every Saturday night. Is there a patch to kick that habit? Or can I just kick him?

So he's performing with a bunch of people who are, I think, meant to be dressed up like bowling pins? Wha? They seem to be showing us more of the dancers than of Christopher, a clever move to try to stop me punching my screen, methinks. Once again, he's got his coat on, and once again it sounds like a hideously dated karaoke performance. Karaoke by someone who can sing, but not a performance by someone who can sell records to anyone without a bus pass, who will sell out arena tours or who ISN'T BLOODY AWFUL. Being a successful recording artist is about more than being able to hit the correct notes ffs. Although Daniel O'Donnell was just in the news for breaking records of being in the charts every year, so what the fuck does anyone know about anything any more?

Nicole says he sounds great but is a karaoke king, not the artist who is going to break boundaries with music that she's looking for. Louis repeats the karaoke king line, and says it's like listening to Heart radio. Lol. Tulisa thinks he has a great voice but he's dated cos he's always singing songs of a certain era. Christopher keeps trying to argue back but does he really think that he's going to change her mind after all this time? Gary of course says he's made fantastic progress and everything, blah blah blah. Christopher says it's the type of music he wants to sing and with tears in his eyes thanks the British public for keeping him in. Good enough reason for the rest of the world to launch an attack on the British public, but perhaps I'm overreacting. It's just hard not to cos HE'S REALLY BLOODY BAD. 

Between him and all these terrible Christmas ads, my blood pressure is going through the roof this evening. I believe this could be readily treated with some pizza from Dominos. Y'know, if they want to bring me round a free one....

Jahmene is next and apparently despite the fact that the judges lost their shit over him he thought his performance was 'quite bad'. So Nicole gets Jennifer Hudson on the phone to give him some confidence. I want so desperately to find something to make fun of here, but I can't. Damnation. I also really covet Nicole's hair in that VT segment.

He's singing Angels by Robbie Williams, and it starts out completely a capella, then a gospel choir kicks in and it's someone unlikely, but he's making this sound not shit. Couldn't he have come out in a bunny suit or something to make my job easier?! It's far from my favourite performance, cos I do hate this song, but he's doing a good job of making it a lot less cheesy and a lot more gospel.

The judges, of course, love it. Tulisa has a bit of a slight dig at Gary again by saying that that's how you do an old school classic (i.e., take notes Christopher). Gary says he's never heard a version of Angels like that in his life, and I imagine Robbie is well jell, and of course Nicole is almost in tears talking about how he moves her and stirs her (which makes the audience do a big That's What She Said-type giggle) and how he'll be unstoppable, etc etc.

District 3 are up next and they're all a confuddle about the bad comments they've had recently. Which apparently means they tried singing every single song in the world for Louis. They decided on Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, which isn't exactly the sort of song you'd expect a band of young 'uns to do but there you go. One of them's playing the piano and the other two are on stools and it's all getting a bit Westlife up in here.

Their vocals are grand, but it's completely lacking in soul and sounds like exactly the sort of thing you'd expect Louis to churn out. Tulisa is smiling though and Nicole is crying. Oh lordy. Tulisa says it was an amazing decision to strip everything back to basics and a great song choice, says it's her favourite performance yet. Hmph. Gary says it's good to see them back to what they're good at but thinks there's something a bit dated about them, they lack the edge of Union J. UNION J ARE EDGY?!?!?! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nicole is all gurning about how she loves the song and how it has a deep personal meaning for her today, she loved the arrangement, etc etc. Whatever, it was Westlife all over the show if you ask me. Which no one is, but still.

Yes, Gary, Union J are alllllll about the edge...

And oh look, it's another John Lewis advert at Christmas with a female singer-songwriter type doing a fragile cover version of an 80s song. Wow, never saw that coming.

Ella is next, and she's another one that I can't be mean about. I'm beginning to think that I'm going soft in my old age or something. She got to meet the Kardashians this week, so I feel even more sorry for her now. Tulisa tells her to do it for the geowls now that she's the only girl left, and apparently it's gonna be an epic amazing version of Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah. She's on a stool too (they must have had an offer on somewhere) with a bloke playing guitar right beside her who we can't even get to see cos he's all blacked out. Better than him being blacked up, I suppose. She's in front of some odd purple archy thing made of umbrellas, I think, with fairy lights on it. That's sort of weird and completely irrelevant to the song, but whatever. She's on her feet now and belting it out. I can't remember what any of this song sounds like apart from the chorus so I can't exactly compare it that well, but she's singing as well as she always does and again, it's hard to believe she's only 16 with the stage presence and authority that she sings with, never mind her actual voice.

Gary says wow, Nicole calls her a righteous babe, Louis calls her an old soul trapped in a young girl's body which just sounds well creepy coming from him. He goes on about Tulisa trying to pull Ella back to Tulisa's urban roots, to which Tulisa replies "You wouldn't know Tinie Tempah from Tiny Tim". Which did make me do a little lol.

This bunny is more urban than Louis.

Rylan is next and man, am I tired of writing that. And he's doing the Spice Girls. Hold me, internet. Geri Halliwell surprised him during rehearsals this week, which of course made him apoplectic. His performance starts with a video of him supposedly parachuting out of a plane and then landing in the studio. That was rather Jedward-worthy, but he's just not mad enough to really muse me. He's doing a mash-up, cos he's incapable of getting through a song from start to finish and only seems to sing about half of it. This is just not as good as it should be. It should be Jedward doing Britney, it should be Wagner levels of cray cray but it's just kinda sad. Nicole and Tulisa are loving while Gary looks like he wants to barf. I'm with ya, Gary love.

Louis says he's a brilliant showman and that he loved it. Tulisa says everyone enjoyed it whether they liked it or not, apart from Gary who she refers to as Grumpy Spice. He says, and he looks as shocked as me saying it, "on the subject of fun, that was absolutely brilliant'. There is a but in there about the vocals but the crowd won't let him get a word out. Nicole gets up on the table (or rather tries to and realises she can't without splitting her white trousers) and rambles about him being fun and girl power and spice something or other.

Dermot starts the next segment in the audience, with some girl properly losing it over One Direction. And speaking of One Direction, An Startlingly Similar Direction are up next. They're dedicating their performance to the armed forces, as most of them have family connections, and they're singing Coldplay. YEAH, REAL EDGY. They're singing Fix You, which might be my most hated Coldplay song for reasons I won't get into right now, so I just want this to be over asap. They all seem to be wearing matching shoes, too, which is just very, very weird. Seriously, they're all in the same jeans, same boots/shoes, same white shirt and vaguely different black/grey blazers.

Tulisa says Louis is on a roll this week and nailed it again. She says the boys have found their market and are very much appealing to them. Well, if that isn't inspirational for the artistry of music, I don't know what is.

This cat has more soul and artistic integrity than Union J. For reals.

Oh, and the other judges liked it too but I don't care anymore.

James Arthur is last up and that is good cos it means this torture is almost over. In his VT he says he can't take compliments really well. Heh, he doesn't need to worry about that too much around these parts. First of all, he's wearing a ridiculous trucker hat. Second of all, he says he grew up with music like the Stereophonics and Stone Roses and he's singing an Adele song. Which totally makes sense. Apparently the song reminds him of where he's from and everything, so they show pics of him with his sisters where he has THE WORST EMO HAIRCUT IN THE HISTORY OF TIME ITSELF.

There, no compliments to worry about here.

The Adele song in question is Hometown Glory, and it's basically just him, his guitar and his tats, which are out I think for the first time on the live shows. There's very little need for me to write anything much about him here cos no matter what he does the judges will love it. And cos there's not much else to say about him, his performances are basically the same every week. It starts off as a decent enough cover of something you might not expect him to sing, and half way through he either starts wailing, rapping or it gets a beat, which is exactly what happens here.

Louis thinks he's like Professor Green or Plan B. Ummm, ok then. Tulisa talks about dubstep and wishing, before she was on the show, wishing that the public would embrace someone like him. Gary says no one should over Adele except for James, it was brilliant, blah blah blah. And Nicole squeals a bit, throws around words like swag and freak, making them verbs, and fat beats and what not. They keep going on about him using a dubstep beat on it but ffs it was only for like ten seconds at the end of the song. He might have "freaked Adele" but he hardly Skrillexed her. Anyway.

Now all we have to endure is One Direction. Honestly not sure I can get through that. Not without the use of food greasier and fattier and carbier than the handful of popcorn I just had, anyway (subliminal message: bring me pizza).

Five seconds in and I'm out. Night folks! Here's hoping they decide to pull the plug next week, just have the final a few weeks early between James, Jahmene and Ella like they want, and put us all out of our misery.

Dear Mittens, Please Go Away.

And that's the polite version.

Welcome to my myriad, rambling and sleep-deprived votes as I try not to snore my way through the US presidential election.

So far, I'm impressed about how much newscasters can talk about so little actual news. I'm also loving how completely patronising the reporters are when explaining the simplest of facts to us. I mean, come on, I know it's the US elections, but it's for a UK audience, we're not that thick. I smirked heartily, however, when David Dimbleby kept asking a Republican strategist why the Latino vote was traditionally Democrat and not Republican, while she tried to think of something other than "racism".

I find American elections so utterly odd. Not only because rather a lot of Americans seem to be utterly mental and not to be trusted to wipe their arses competently, let alone vote, but because of all the unnecessary hooha they create. All this nonsense with machines and touch screens and hanging chads and what not - what the hell is wrong with a pencil and a piece of paper?! And all the stuff they have to vote for all at once, it's a bit much, surely? I guess it's just stubbornness and familiarity breeding superiority on my part, but I much prefer the way our elections work. Obviously America is a much bigger country, both in terms of population and area, so managing the votes and counting them is a much bigger headache, but still.

Another thing that I much prefer about our systems here, is that we don't have political advertising. It seems to do nothing but propagate falsehoods and piss people off, so what's the point spending all that money on ads, rather than spending more money actually meeting with and talking to people, and getting their actual message out.

And lol, the BBC just tried to suggest that 70-odd percent of the vote in South Carolina was going to Obama. Emily Maitlis looked well confused.

Basically America is weird. That's my take on things so far. That, and that I want Jed Bartlet to be elected.

Can they bring on some dancing dogs or something? I'm getting well bored. I think I might actually have fallen asleep already. Doesn't help that I'm doing this without snacks. Rookie mistake.

Can we not have someone shoot an old man in the face again? Remember that? That was fun. Not for the guy who got shot, but for the rest of us.

If I am reminded one more time that 270 is the number of electoral votes that we need to get to, I will 270 someone right in the face. Take that as you will.

Also (genuine question here) why do they close the polls so early? 7 or 8pm is a bit ridiculous, it's hardly any wonder the lines are so long. Why can't they keep them open until 9 or 10 like any sort of civilised country? Hmph.

Time for some Coco Pops, I think. Hmmm, this milk might be a bit dodgy :/

It's quite funny to watch people like Jeremy Vine try to explain why rural areas of Virginia vote Republican without calling them red-neck hicks.

Y'know, I think they should approach the election coverage with a little bit less on the graphs and charts side, and a little bit more on the telethon side. Make it more like Comic Relief and the like - fill the time between counts with skits and celebrities looking like tits (insert joke about Nadine Dorries here).

I think I've seen more warnings against taking exit polls seriously tonight than I have seen "Just Say No" posters in doctors surgeries in my entire life. Therefore, exit polls are clearly more dangerous than heroin. That's the message I'm taking away from this anyway.

They're talking about big snatches on the BBC. *sniggers*

David Dimbleby wants to talk about the kind of man that Mitt Romney is. He's a dick. There, we're done. Next.

John Simpson trying very hard not to say that the Chinese prefer Republican presidents because they're immoral and easier to read. Lol.

OMG THERE'S A PASTOR STEVE HOLT ON THE TV THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!

Soz. I'm very easily excitable.

Well, I fell asleep then. I dozed off before Ohio, Virginia, Colorado or Nevada were called, and woke up during Romney's concession speech. Phew! I haven't really checked in with too much more news this morning, other than the headlines, but glad to see that so far (without Florida, mind) Obama seems to be ahead on the popular vote as well as the electoral college. It would have made things a lot more complicated had he won the electoral college but lost the popular vote, he'd never have heard the end of it.

I've also not heard the results on all the state votes, but it seems that it's been a good night for same-sex marriage rights, so my faith in the existence of humanity in America is starting to be somewhat strengthened.

This was such a different election from 2008. I sat up all night, glued to messageboards and various news channels and every website I could find that would give me more information, and despite Obama's victory being a lot more certain that time, the sense of euphoria and just pure emotion when he won was incredible. I was so touched that a country with such dire racial issues could overcome this to elect the first black president and start to put that behind them. I was moved by the sense of hope and optimism, and felt a sense of hope myself for my own country, that if they could do it, so could we.

But the last 4 years have knocked that hope and optimism out of me. Obama has been a disappointment in many ways, but he was always going to be. No one could possibly live up to the expectations of that 2008 campaign, it was always going to be an anti-climax. But what has disappointed me most is the utter vitriol and bitterness with which his election was greeted by the right. The blatant racism, homophobia and sheer stupidity and hatred that so many on the right have failed to conceal. The hope that he could unite the country seems like folly now.

But anyway. It was a long night, I'm still tired and out of it, but very, very, very relieved and glad that Obama won. Here's hoping the next 4 years prove me wrong about the xenophobia, racism and bigotry of the American right. I'm not holding my breath, though.

X Factor Live Shows: Live Blog 5? I think?

Ok, so literally still digesting the last of my nummy nummy soup, but here we go, it's X Factor time! And if that isn't guaranteed to give me indigestion and heartburn, I don't know what is.

So it's Number Ones night, and we're minus Lucy, as I'm sure most of you already know. Although it hasn't been mentioned as yet which is a tad odd.

Oh, ok, they're explaining it now. Tulisa sends her all her love while Louis claps like a seal. Gary is talking the usual stuff, and Nicole is dropping double entendres about stiff and hard all over the show. 

Rylan is up first, and in his VT he takes Nicole to Essex, which he describes as like "the Hollywood of Engerland". Yeah, totes. He gets waxed by Amy Childs, they teach Essex talk to Nicole and Rylan gets spray painted orange.

Nicole also agrees to get Rylan's face vajazzled on herself, which is bringing my chicken noodle soup right up.

So Rylan's singing Hung Up by Madonna, and starts off just singing (which both looks and sounds rather suspicious, if you ask me), and then the madness begins. He's got massive feather shoulder thingies and the set is named La Boutique Rylan. This is gonna end with someone flashing the vajazzled face of Rylan at us, isn't it?

Also rather annoyingly my internet connection seems to be being a twat and buffering all over the show (just wrote buggering there by accident, oopsie...) so apologies if I miss something important. Like Rylan actually hitting a note.

So far Louis and Tulisa like it and find it entertaining, which is the same crap they've been spewing thus far. Gary shocks everyone by saying that the vocals at the top "weren't too bad" but he thinks it will be his last performance. Nicole gives him a big ole Essex 'Shut uuuup' and tells him he was effortless and beautiful up there. Er, no.

God almighty but the Christmas adverts are boring this year. First ad break so far has brought us ads for Matalan, the Samsung Galaxy Note, eBay and the new Kindle Fire and I want to fall asleep. WHITHER THE COKE POLAR BEARS, TELEVISION??!!

It's not Christmas till these guys show up. It's also not Christmas at all cos it's early November, but no one seems to have told the telly execs that.

Dermot reminds us that Louis has been partially responsible for 23 number ones, and let's all just take a moment to think about that, shall we?

And now that we're all suitably depressed about the music industry, Union J are up now and their VT is just them gurning and moaning about how terrible it was to be in the bottom two last week and going out this week fighting, blah blah blah cliche cliche cliche. They talk about how they're just normal lads and immediately one of them tells us he used to be a jockey. Yup, that's totally normal.

They've given the Harry Styles lookalike one a guitar this week and they're singing a Taylor Swift song that I've never heard before. Possibly because I've only ever heard one Taylor Swift song. I frankly don't care enough to look up what it is. They're all standing on a platform with fake rain or snow or something on the screens behind them, and there's an alarming epidemic of popped collars going on here. Who on earth do they think they are, Nolan from Revenge? PAH.

Tulisa congratulates Louis on a brilliant song choice, and goes on about finding their market and nailing it with the song choice and teenage girls and what not. Gary says he was concerned they made the wrong decision with the sing off last week but this proved them right and says George needs to blend in more vocally. Nicole thinks it was a solid and sweet performance and tries to command the teenage girls in the audience like she's Moses with the Red Sea. 

Kye is all stoked after his performance last week and Robbie Williams liking him, he goes back to see his brother who wants to put him back to work as a chimney sweep and their eating a fry up with tomato sauce is just making me dead hungry. Gary tells him to find whatever he found inside last week to unlock that massive performance, but personally I think it's all down to the hair being quiffed up instead of straightened down like an emo teenager in 2006.

He's doing You Get What You Give by the New Radicals, he's all upbeat and wandering around touching hands with the audience and apparently pretending he's an airplane? He's also high fiving the judges and I think getting a tad carried away with himself. But I do think he comes off a lot better doing the more upbeat stuff, cos it doesn't result in me falling into a coma, so there's that I guess.

Nicole seems like she's suddenly worried about Kye being competition for her boys, possibly, cos she didn't seem too sold on it despite saying good things about it. Louis says something I pay no attention to but it was good, I think. Tulisa was worried it was going to be safe but says his energy won her over and of course Gary congratulates him on being a great performer.

OMG would they stop advertising food on the tv when all I've got in is soup and cereal?!! This is torture.

This is me right now. Apparently no one can hear me. Sad face.

Ok, they stopped advertising food and instead advertised Downton Abbey with an alarmingly crap cover version of The Times They Are A-Changing. Like, shiveringly crap version.Yuck.

James Arthur is next and there's still no sign of the Deirdre Barlow glasses. His VT is all about how his time at the X Factor seems to be bringing his family together and making them all happy and stuff. Him talking about anyone being happy is just weird. He has a masterclass with No Doubt, and Gwen Stefani clearly thinks he's an ass for singing Don't Speak for them, but says he's not bad anyway. And that's what he's singing tonight it seems. So far, it's fairly normal and just sounds like a very unoriginal cover version....until he starts rapping (about dumping someone) and apparently forgets his lyrics at one point. And then of course he starts doing his wailing thing over the end of it. Nicole is bouncing around in her seat in a manner which suggests she either has worms or didn't get to the bathroom during that last ad break.

Louis of course goes on about how he's so talented and puts his own spin on songs, so basically exactly what he says every week. Tulisa says it was stripped back for him, it was wicked and she loved it. Gary says it was another brilliant performance and that he always pulls it out of the bag every week and gets better and better. I honestly think he could take a dump on that stage and they'd applaud his authenticity and risk-raking. Nicole says the word time a lot and says "you just blow m-" and that's where my stream decides to buffer. Hehehehehe, dirty tv stream. She said blow my mind, btw.

Next we have Ella and she's been concerned that the themes have been overtaking who she is as an artist and wants to get back to her roots. No Doubt seem to like her more than James, heh, and think she's right to just want to sing a simple piano ballad. They think she's great and it's a perfect song choice, so let's see. She's singing Firework, by Katy Perry, btw. And I love and covet her outfit. It might not be the best thing that I always seem to want to wear what they dress a 16 year old in on this show, but there you have it. She wears a lot of sparkly, shiny stuff and I'm a clothing magpie.

Sparkly!

Shiny!

Pretty!

Anyway, back to the song, she's doing brilliantly and I predict that all the judges will lose their shit over it. I also predict that Katy Perry will leave the music industry forever upon hearing this. I might be a bit off on this prediction, though. Gary thinks the simplicity was great but that the key was slightly too high. Nicole is moved to tears almost and is babbling somewhat incoherently and seeing things. Louis goes on about her being a recording artist and says it was a brilliant song choice and I can't tell what Tulisa is saying because of the BLOODY BUFFERING. She says something about her creating a moment and that's what's special about her.

District 3 and there's some stuff in the VT about them being at school together (it had actually escaped me that they were a pre-existing band and not one fabricated by the producers), and then my ITV stream decides to fall apart so I have no idea what their performance is like. I don't think I'm missing a lot, however. It's Dynamite by Taio Cruz, from the few seconds that I saw before it went down. Technology should really be better than this by this point.

Performance over and the judges are arguing. Tulisa says they had too much to think about this week and Louis is shouting "no, no, no" over it. Gary says it was a bland song choice and they aren't the vocal harmony band that they used to be. Nicole says "No, baby, no" and tells Louis the song was wrong but he's having none of it. He thinks it was fantastic and Tulisa is waving her pen in his face and stuff. I wish she'd draw a wee moustache or something on it. The boys basically try not to say that Louis threw them under the bus by having them do something that's not them, and look like they might chuck up a bit. There are either loads of streamers on the stage, or someone threw a boat load of bog roll at them, so now I'm really wanting to see what happened.

Now there's a weird advert on for EE 4G with Kevin Bacon where he talks about Frank Carson and Coronation Street and dogs. I did wonder if I had fallen asleep and into another one of my mad dreams again, like the one the other night where I was on a bus with Obama, but no, this one was real. Now a Furby is singing Lionel Richie's Hello. Srsly you guys, am I deffo awake here?

I desperately need someone to come on stage and do something utterly mental and crazy. But maybe there's no such thing on the X Factor anymore. After Jedward, Wagner and Johnny Robinson, can anything ever be the same again?

Anyway, Jahmene takes Nicole to Asda to show her what his life used to be like. He shows her the barcode stocking gun and it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her when it beeps. That girl is cray cray.

I know someone you can call...

Jahmene is singing Listen by Beyonce, Louis is swaying from side to side in his seat, Nicole can hardly control herself (I'm telling you - worms) and I'm betting Gary is making notes on this being the wrong key for him. After the key change he seems fine, but the start was a bit wobbly, he sounded strained a little bit and we've not heard him be anything but pitch perfect so far. It barely matters that the odd note is a little off here and there when he's that good, though.

Louis goes nutty about how great he is, how he'll be in the final, he's never going back to the supermarket etc etc. Tulisa is speechless and giggly to the point of making very little sense. Gary says he killed it, even though it has an enormous range, and his talent is amazing. Nicole calls him a slice of heaven and berates him for making her cry and being so inspirational, etc etc. You genuinely can't say anything bad about this kid, and I feel so sorry for him I can't even make fun of him. Damnit.

Christopher is next though, and I have noooooo problems making fun of him, so bring. it. on.

Gary is loving that the judges hate Christopher but that he keeps getting through, and wants to give them more of everything they dislike. Christopher thinks the judges are being negative because they're afraid of him. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! No. No they're not. No Doubt tell him they're rooting for him, but I can tell ole Gwennie there is lying. I knows the truth. 

He's doing All By Myself, which is kind of hilariously ironic. He's wearing yet another coat, I think they just bought a job lot in different colours for him. Tulisa looks so bored she could kill herself, and Gary is trying not to smirk at her, I think. I might have just made that up, but that's what it's come to here - I need to invent things to amuse myself with cos god knows no one on stage is doing a good enough job. Especially not this utterly, utterly unoriginal, dullllllllll version of All By Myself, a song which I normally like (not least cos it reminds me of Clueless, one of the best films of all time. OF ALL TIME).

Nicole also likes the song, says he did an amazing job and to enjoy it and she was also seeing things again with his performance, this time eagles. Ok then.... Louis says he's a good singer and a nice guy, but he won't sell records. There's some odd cackling in the background which I'd like to have heard the origin of. Tulisa thinks it was a good song choice and a good performance, but it was five weeks too late and thinks it's just a lucky one off. Christopher is crying and Gary is telling him that he's delivering to his public and he sings brilliantly every week. Louis then wants to know if Gary honestly thinks he can sell records internationally every week. Gary doesn't exactly answer and they bicker a bit before Dermot cuts them off. Personally, I think Dermot should've brought them up on stage to continue the argument wrestling like big girls' blouses, but that might just be me.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

So that is it for this week, folks, and it's been a dull one. One can only hope for some sort of nonsense to keep us interested tomorrow night.