X Factor Semi Finals Live Blog

I wasn't going to blog this week, but it's either this or start throwing up my popcorn. Yes, that's right, I'm watching Christopher Maloney. Bleurgh. The judges are being mostly nice to him apart from Nicole wanting to feel his performance more. There's a little bit of a shouting match over whether it's known as a Josh Grobin or a Westlife song, as Louis just keeps shouting Westlife over and over, but whatever. I'm starting to wonder if the other judges decided to be nice to him to see if that makes his public vote go down. As much as I don't want to take this show seriously, and as much as I'd love to see Simon Cowell's head explode if Christopher wins, I sincerely hope he's kicked out tomorrow night cos I just can't look at his stupid face or listen to his stupid voice anymore.

Jahmene is dedicating his song (I Look To You) to his older brother who killed himself. So basically the entire nation ought to be crying by the end of this. Nicole is at it already, but then maybe she's just also sad that the collar of a strait jacket somehow got attached to her otherwise pretty dress. I get all :'( when I go out in public with my crazy restraints still on too. I feel ya, Nicole.

Other than that, Jahmene's performance was very lovely as always and now he looks like he's going to cry. Bless him. Louis tells him it was very emotional, he's grown so much, and he's not going back to his Asda job. Louis is obsessed with people's former jobs tonight. Tulisa tells him he took it to the next level, Gary applauds the courage that it took him to perform it and Nicole is just in floods and starts wittering about baby Jesus and jubilations and stuff. When Dermot asks him how it felt, Jahmene just very quietly says that it felt like he let go of something. There is literally nothing that anyone can make fun of about that, so instead I'll make fun of Louis. That's always good for a laugh, and there's just sooooo much ammunition.

Union J are next and doing a song that's been out for like a month. Which was performed on this show a few weeks ago. I HATE when people do that. I don't really know why, but I just do. They're doing You're Beautiful by Labrinth and Emeli Sande which I actually kinda like cos I like Labrinth's proper singing voice, but of course they're boybanding the shit out of it, which is to say, stripping it of any real emotion, soul or artistry. I may also be particularly bitter today because I had to spend the day with a teenager who declared that One Direction are her entire life.

Everyone loved them, thinks they're about to be something very special, blah blah blah. Louis tries to shout something at Dermot and he completely ignores him. Heh. I do chuckle when that happens.

Sidenote: All these adverts for dance Wii/Kinnect games which seem to involve people having huge kick ass parties solely to play these games - fuck off. These are played by children and people in their pyjamas when they're bored or have nothing better to do of a Saturday night. No one has parties where they dress up in neon tutus and god only knows what else to play them. Stop it. Stop it now.

Also, Niall from One Direction is starting to look like a wonky member of Jedward with that hair. He might want to keep an eye on that.

James is next and he's doing One by U2 and he's dedicating it to his siblings. Hmm. Not sure how that will go. Showing him being soppy with his sisters is slightly hilarious because it seems so out of place for him. It would probably look more comfortable if he dedicated his song to a half pint of bitter, frankly. That's what they drink in the north, isn't it? He's doing that swirly thing with the camera where it goes around and round and he follows it and now I'm dizzy. I'm slightly concerned about my oreos and popcorn making a reappearance. I'm really not loving this particular rendition of his. He's quite good at taking otherwise bland songs and putting his spin on them, but this is such an iconic song that that is just not working this time. His second song better be a helluva lot better or he's in trouble, methinks.

Louis thinks he's gonna have three or four albums by this time next year. Just, just, lol. Tulisa thinks it was a performance worthy of going through to the final and she goes off on a rant about how the credible artist should win. Look, I know that for the X Factor, he's practically revolutionary, but for, y'know, the real world, he's just ok. Let's please not get on like there's Arcade Fire up there on the stage or something. If I was at a local gig and he was performing, I'd not be blown away the way I have been by several local bands on tiny indie labels. Because they really do take risks and ...ok, I'll just stop there before this becomes a slightly ridiculous rant. Anyway - Gary says he'll be well pissed (in so many words) if he's not in the final, Nicole blabbers on some of her usual nonsense, and James looks uncomfortable. So, basically the normal.

They cut to Jahmene and Christopher back stage who are up again after the break, and Christopher sort of playfully punches Jahmene on the shoulder or something, to which Jahmene gives the best WTF are you doing? face that I've seen in a long time. Jahmene FTW, everybody!!

Jahmene is singing At Last, which he performed at his audition, so Nicole shows him her audition for Pop Stars which launched her Pussycat Dolls career. I think that was meant to show how successful you can be from one of these shows but, c'mon, the Pussycat Dolls? Lol. Anyway, At Last is an amazing, classic song which I love, and he's doing it full justice, although he could do with turning down the Mariahs a little bit. It's ok to just sing one note at a time, dude.

Louis goes on about how he's special and first class, and sailing straight through to the final. Tulisa, who needs to find a dress and underwear that actually fit her, says he's bringing the fight. Gary takes the piss out of Louis for saying Jahmazing, then repeats it himself. Oh lord, what has Nicole done to this world. Nicole then starts speaking her punctuation dot dot dot YOU'RE A CRAZY LADY. HUSH.

Anyway, Christopher is next and he's going to sing a Michael Buble song from several years ago. To show that he can be current and up to date. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA *takes deep breath* AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHA *falls off chair* AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA. Christopher wants to sing his head off. If only that could be promised, then we wouldn't have to hear him again. Unless he's like that chicken in America that lived for years with no head. That would be weird. But possibly no less disturbing than this mess. He's making me like Michael Buble, you guys. And that's not a compliment to either Buble or Christopher. I'm making this face right now:

Nicole basically says it was an awful song choice, Louis agrees and Tulisa tries not to say it was rubbish, and Gary essentially says that people will vote for him no matter what.  Dermot asks him if we'll see Nicki Minaj from him if he gets through and holy sweet jesus if they could promise us that I might actually vote for him.

btw, if someone could pop by and turn on my heating, I'd really appreciate it as I'm basically using my laptop as a heater at the moment. And if you'd like to clean up my room and house at the same time, I guess that'd be ok.

Union J are apparently singing a Westlife song, and apparently Louis promised that if they got into the semi final he'd wear a onesie. THIS IS THE SORT OF THING THAT WE WANT TO SEE ON OUR SATURDAY NIGHT TELLY. He comes out wearing a green onesie in the VT, and they zip his hood up right over his head. Best he's ever looked. They've let George sing a bit on this one, which I think might be the first time I've heard his voice in weeks. I can't remember what song this is, but it's one of those soppy songs about being there that boybands like to sing about, with strings on it and where their walking is carefully choreographed. This might be a rather sinister song about being a stalker though, cos no matter where, they are already there. That sounds like a threat, if you ask me.

Tulisa says the vocals were great but they were playing it a bit safe. Unlike her chest region. Gary agrees that it was too safe and thinks they're at risk. Nicole thinks it was great and that Louis has been a great mentor to them. Louis promises to wear whatever they want if they get to the final. I think that George from Union J might be either cracked in the head or a potential serial killer, because he has a very strange stare and grin, which I've only just noticed. And after that stalker-y song....

James Arthur is next and he goes on about how the show saved his life and how miserable he was before, etc etc. Then he gets into a weird cagey thing in Nicole's video shoot. It was dad-dancing levels of uncomfortable. Hehehe.

He's singing Power of Love and it's all haunting and dark and stuff. Definitely better than the first performance. I notice that he's also managed to stop trying to pull the clothes from off himself. I think they found a new fabric softener for him at X Factor laundry services. I have to say, I like this cover version better than the soppy twinkly one in the John Lewis advert.

Louis says he's original, credible and has the X Factor; Tulisa is proud to be a part of the show with him on it and wants him to win, Gary says it was the performance of the series and James wanders about the stage a bit, and Nicole says this is why she came to the UK. Well, at least that's a reminder that we're shot of her soon.

And that's yer lot. No sing off tomorrow night, it's all down to the public vote. So everyone phone your nan and keep her phone line tied up so she can't vote for Christopher, you hear? Helpfully, they showed the most douche-tastic part of his performance in the recap at the end, so fingers crossed everyone.

X Factor Live Shows Blog 7

It's guilty pleasures week and there's only a few weeks left to the final. And Dermot is in Hammer pants. This might be the highlight of the evening right here, folks.

I almost wasn't going to blog this week cos I'm freezing and tired and hiccupy, but apparently I just can't let this show go unmocked by me. I have dedication, what can I tell you?

Anyway, they start off by recapping last week in the style of 24, and I honestly think they should consider adding Jack Bauer to the show to carry out the eliminations each week. Public vote be damned. The judges come on to Chesney Hawkes' One and Only which presumably means no one is singing that particular classic tonight. Sad face.

Let's get straight to the utter inanity that is sure to come our way tonight, and it's Union J, and they're gurning about how devastated it was to be in the bottom two last week. Wah wah wah, whatever. George is wearing a Christmas jumper that I want to steal right off of him, though. I have an obsession with Christmas knitwear. It's a disease, people.

I'm obsessed with Christmas jumpers, and this man is my leader.

Anyway, they went to Eurodisney, got sick on the rollercoasters and sang and bit, and now they're doing Call Me Maybe. NOW I WANT TO BE SICK. They have ninjas dancing on stage with them and I'm hoping one of them goes rogue and takes them all now. Now, that would be light entertainment.

It sounds exactly how you'd imagine a boy band singing Call Me Maybe would be. Which is to say, awful and self harm inducing. I'm currently trying to kill myself via a popcorn overdose. Which I just accidentally typed as poopcorn overdose. I certainly hope that's not the case...

Tulisa hates the song but thinks they were alright. Gary loves the song (Gary loves a cheesy, guilty pleasures song, who'da thought?...), thinks they bounced back from last week blah blah blah. Nicole thinks they did it justice but wants them to be more creative with their staging - no more jumping off boxes, she says. I'm with her on that one at least. Louis is begging people to vote so they're not in the bottom two. I'm begging the wardrobe department to stop putting them in matching shoes. It's just weird, lads. Well weird.

Ella is next, and she was also off in Eurodisney with the Union J lads, singing in a Minnie Mouse headband in front of some sparkly Christmas trees. She got to go to the Twilight premiere too, and declares herself as a massive Twilight fan and immediately I want her to lose. TWILIGHT IS THE WORST, PEOPLE.

Anyway, she's singing the Grease medley, but very very very sloooooooow with just a piano (which is obvious code for 'serious, emotional song'). Her dress is also very pretty. I want her clothes. Can somoene just send them to me when the show is over? Please? A choir has now appeared and she's doing some long, high Mariah-esque notes at the end of the song, and everyone seems to be loving it.

Gary says it was her best performance to date. Nicole wanted it to touch her the way her rendition of Cher's Believe, and didn't like the song choice but she made it work. Louis says it was electrifying and she's gonna sell millions of records. Louis then calls Tulisa a WAG, which doesn't go down too well with her who insists she's a WAF - was already famous. I'm a AOI - already over it.

If someone could please do something really ridiculous now, I'd appreciate it. The show is getting too serious and even Rylan isn't amusing me the way that he should. Can't they bring back Jedward for a wee break?

Speaking of not amusing, James Arthur is next. He's going on about how much it means to him, blah blah blah. He and the other lads also went to Eurodisney where he "rekindled the bromance with Rylan". Now there's a buddy show I'd watch. More of that, please, X Factor. Apparently he's doing something that's not his usual style this week, which I'm guessing won't be half as "different" and "shocking" as they want it to be.

And lo and behold, it's Can't Take My Eyes Off You. However I think what's different about this is that it isn't as "dark" as his stuff usually is, it's more like something from Jack Johnson. In other words, bland and dull. Now if he'd turned it into a metal track, I might be paying more attention. Of course the judges will love it though.

Louis says the song was a bit safe but he loved what he did with it and insists that he'll get a record deal. Tulisa says it was one of his coolest, most credible performance and witters on about Camden and what not. My reaction:

Gary says he wants him to win the competition, Nicole says some of her usual nonsense, and James looks very embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing. So basically the same stuff that happens every week, then.

Back from the break, and Dermot reads out a tweet from Ed Balls, shadow chancellor, saying that Call Me Maybe was the song of 2012. Nicole then starts chanting Vote for Balls. That was slightly weird. Then there's some stuff about what the judges' guilty pleasures are which involved Rick Astley, pushing it and Englebert Humperdinck. That was also weird.

Rylan is next and his trip to Eurodisney was just well weird - babies were being thrown at him, he was trying to talk to Mickey and Minnie but they couldn't talk back, it's all a bit mad. I really wish that his performances were as entertaining as his general chatter, but he just can't pull it off.

Anyway, he's all got up in some white PVC futuristic gear with LED lights all over it, and he's doing a mash up (does he do anything else?) of Girls On Film and When Will I Be Famous? and it's exactly how it is every week. Not enough of a train wreck to be hilarious, not good enough to be epic, and not as watchable as they seem to think it was.

Louis rambles something, Tulisa is disappointed and thinks it was a come down from last week. Gary says the good news is that he is famous, but the bad news is give it a couple of months and he won't be. Heh. Nicole goes on about which other contestants could sing and dance like that, to which Gary rightly responds that he doesn't sing. Nicole rambles on some other nonsense including shamazeballs. Rylan gets real with Gary by pointing out that he sings live where other people in the industry mime when they're performing like that. Gary, of course, would prefer if he mimed. Then Louis starts talking about a psychic?!! I have no idea what's going on, there's a good chance that I've slipped into a sugar coma and am hallucinating.

Dermot then brings up the boyband that Rylan was in years ago in Ibiza that seemed to look like a Take That tribute band. When Gary asks Rylan which band member he was, Rylan replies that he deffo wasn't Gary cos he's too skinny for that. Now that was kinda shamazeballs. I definitely did lol at it. Maybe if they just made the show the judges and acts arguing with each other it would be more entertaining?

Basically the show should be this, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, Christopher is next which means anything remotely entertaining or amusing is right out the window. Even when they show him high fiving Tigger at Disneyland, it's boring. Then he sings the dullest version of A Whole New World which probably put all the kids in the audience to sleep. I really do wonder how Gary manages to put up with someone so crap, and keep trying to pretend like he doesn't think he's crap.

Christopher is singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart, which I have to say is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I don't think Christopher has the hair for it though. This one definitely requires big, big 80s hair. And he's gotten to the chorus without any fists in the air...

Nicole says it was a lot to take in, as the huge face of Christopher on the screen behind him freaked her out, but for my liking it wasn't even enough. Louis says he must be doing something right but he doesn't know what it is. Tulisa admits that he is at least consistent, his vocals are always great, and that he sounded good. They all seem to be running out of ways to slag him off, but they should just come my way, I'll help 'em out.

And we've only got one act left, folks. I can't believe that the shows are going in so quickly now. In some ways it's a blessing, but in others, it means even less time for anything interesting to happen. Is there somewhere we can start a petition to get Jedward back on the show on a permanent basis? I think we can all agree that the show has never been as entertaining as it was in their year. Not even Wagner or that Kitty mess from last year could live up to their shenanigans.

So, Jahmene is next and he can't believe all the support he gets and he had a lovely time in Paris with the other contestants who are now his best friends. I want to take the piss, but you really just can't with this guy. He's singing Don't Leave Me This Way and it's all slow and soul and old school RnB and what not. They bring the beat back in for the chorus but it's not enough, or maybe the staging is just still too dark, but it doesn't feel as upbeat as it should do in the chorus for my liking. Even though he's on a load of multi-coloured boxes. Apparently Nicole doesn't mind them so long as boy bands aren't jumping off of them.

As Tulisa says, she's running out of ways to kiss his butt every week. She says that as a person he's evolved into the man he was meant to be. Not sure what that means but ok. Gary says he's amazing and phenomenal and all that. Nicole makes up more words. Louis has a go at her for having him on a box, as per my comments above, and Jahmene thinks he messed up a few times even though no one else noticed and Dermot plays with Jahmene's sparkly scarf.

And that's yer lot. I am away next week, so knowing my luck that'll be when someone sets themselves on fire live on stage while milking a cow or something. We can only hope, anyway.

X Factor Live Show Blog 6

It's that time of the week again, and is it just me or is it getting all the more depressing each week?

Although catching the end of Take Me Out is making me reconsider that statement. It makes X Factor look like the South Bank Show in comparison. And is making me feel ickier by the minute. I can't decide if it's impressive or pathetic that I've managed to hang in for this long. I'm leaning towards the latter right now.

But never mind all that because it's time! To demean! The music!!

So, Kye went out last week, which was rather on the ridiculous side given that he was up against Rylan. But obviously the judges are going to keep the only even vaguely controversial act in, particularly when they're getting trounced in the ratings. The theme this week is Best of British, and One Direction are performing. Oh Lord.

No. No, I do not. Even if you are Irish. YOU'RE STILL SHITE.

Introducing the judges, Dermot refers to Louis as a loveable Irish wolfhound. If by that he means ridiculously thick, irritating and embarrassingly Irish arse, then sure.

When talking to the judges, Dermot asks Nicole to keep it clean so she goes on about things being long and hard and stiff again. He asks Gary about Christopher and Gary says Dermot is always harping on about and being down on Christopher. Maybe, Gary, that's because WE ALL HATE HIM AND HE'S AWFUL. Tulisa and Louis say some stuff and no one really cares.

Christopher is up first and he's gurning that people are trying to spoil it for him with all the stories in the press. We already don't like you, moaning and whining isn't gonna help. Him and Gary are repeatedly singing the same line of I'm Still Standing by Elton John over and over and over again. Gary seems happy with him getting rid of bad habits, but he's still not got rid of the bad habit of turning up on our tellys every Saturday night. Is there a patch to kick that habit? Or can I just kick him?

So he's performing with a bunch of people who are, I think, meant to be dressed up like bowling pins? Wha? They seem to be showing us more of the dancers than of Christopher, a clever move to try to stop me punching my screen, methinks. Once again, he's got his coat on, and once again it sounds like a hideously dated karaoke performance. Karaoke by someone who can sing, but not a performance by someone who can sell records to anyone without a bus pass, who will sell out arena tours or who ISN'T BLOODY AWFUL. Being a successful recording artist is about more than being able to hit the correct notes ffs. Although Daniel O'Donnell was just in the news for breaking records of being in the charts every year, so what the fuck does anyone know about anything any more?

Nicole says he sounds great but is a karaoke king, not the artist who is going to break boundaries with music that she's looking for. Louis repeats the karaoke king line, and says it's like listening to Heart radio. Lol. Tulisa thinks he has a great voice but he's dated cos he's always singing songs of a certain era. Christopher keeps trying to argue back but does he really think that he's going to change her mind after all this time? Gary of course says he's made fantastic progress and everything, blah blah blah. Christopher says it's the type of music he wants to sing and with tears in his eyes thanks the British public for keeping him in. Good enough reason for the rest of the world to launch an attack on the British public, but perhaps I'm overreacting. It's just hard not to cos HE'S REALLY BLOODY BAD. 

Between him and all these terrible Christmas ads, my blood pressure is going through the roof this evening. I believe this could be readily treated with some pizza from Dominos. Y'know, if they want to bring me round a free one....

Jahmene is next and apparently despite the fact that the judges lost their shit over him he thought his performance was 'quite bad'. So Nicole gets Jennifer Hudson on the phone to give him some confidence. I want so desperately to find something to make fun of here, but I can't. Damnation. I also really covet Nicole's hair in that VT segment.

He's singing Angels by Robbie Williams, and it starts out completely a capella, then a gospel choir kicks in and it's someone unlikely, but he's making this sound not shit. Couldn't he have come out in a bunny suit or something to make my job easier?! It's far from my favourite performance, cos I do hate this song, but he's doing a good job of making it a lot less cheesy and a lot more gospel.

The judges, of course, love it. Tulisa has a bit of a slight dig at Gary again by saying that that's how you do an old school classic (i.e., take notes Christopher). Gary says he's never heard a version of Angels like that in his life, and I imagine Robbie is well jell, and of course Nicole is almost in tears talking about how he moves her and stirs her (which makes the audience do a big That's What She Said-type giggle) and how he'll be unstoppable, etc etc.

District 3 are up next and they're all a confuddle about the bad comments they've had recently. Which apparently means they tried singing every single song in the world for Louis. They decided on Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, which isn't exactly the sort of song you'd expect a band of young 'uns to do but there you go. One of them's playing the piano and the other two are on stools and it's all getting a bit Westlife up in here.

Their vocals are grand, but it's completely lacking in soul and sounds like exactly the sort of thing you'd expect Louis to churn out. Tulisa is smiling though and Nicole is crying. Oh lordy. Tulisa says it was an amazing decision to strip everything back to basics and a great song choice, says it's her favourite performance yet. Hmph. Gary says it's good to see them back to what they're good at but thinks there's something a bit dated about them, they lack the edge of Union J. UNION J ARE EDGY?!?!?! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nicole is all gurning about how she loves the song and how it has a deep personal meaning for her today, she loved the arrangement, etc etc. Whatever, it was Westlife all over the show if you ask me. Which no one is, but still.

Yes, Gary, Union J are alllllll about the edge...

And oh look, it's another John Lewis advert at Christmas with a female singer-songwriter type doing a fragile cover version of an 80s song. Wow, never saw that coming.

Ella is next, and she's another one that I can't be mean about. I'm beginning to think that I'm going soft in my old age or something. She got to meet the Kardashians this week, so I feel even more sorry for her now. Tulisa tells her to do it for the geowls now that she's the only girl left, and apparently it's gonna be an epic amazing version of Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah. She's on a stool too (they must have had an offer on somewhere) with a bloke playing guitar right beside her who we can't even get to see cos he's all blacked out. Better than him being blacked up, I suppose. She's in front of some odd purple archy thing made of umbrellas, I think, with fairy lights on it. That's sort of weird and completely irrelevant to the song, but whatever. She's on her feet now and belting it out. I can't remember what any of this song sounds like apart from the chorus so I can't exactly compare it that well, but she's singing as well as she always does and again, it's hard to believe she's only 16 with the stage presence and authority that she sings with, never mind her actual voice.

Gary says wow, Nicole calls her a righteous babe, Louis calls her an old soul trapped in a young girl's body which just sounds well creepy coming from him. He goes on about Tulisa trying to pull Ella back to Tulisa's urban roots, to which Tulisa replies "You wouldn't know Tinie Tempah from Tiny Tim". Which did make me do a little lol.

This bunny is more urban than Louis.

Rylan is next and man, am I tired of writing that. And he's doing the Spice Girls. Hold me, internet. Geri Halliwell surprised him during rehearsals this week, which of course made him apoplectic. His performance starts with a video of him supposedly parachuting out of a plane and then landing in the studio. That was rather Jedward-worthy, but he's just not mad enough to really muse me. He's doing a mash-up, cos he's incapable of getting through a song from start to finish and only seems to sing about half of it. This is just not as good as it should be. It should be Jedward doing Britney, it should be Wagner levels of cray cray but it's just kinda sad. Nicole and Tulisa are loving while Gary looks like he wants to barf. I'm with ya, Gary love.

Louis says he's a brilliant showman and that he loved it. Tulisa says everyone enjoyed it whether they liked it or not, apart from Gary who she refers to as Grumpy Spice. He says, and he looks as shocked as me saying it, "on the subject of fun, that was absolutely brilliant'. There is a but in there about the vocals but the crowd won't let him get a word out. Nicole gets up on the table (or rather tries to and realises she can't without splitting her white trousers) and rambles about him being fun and girl power and spice something or other.

Dermot starts the next segment in the audience, with some girl properly losing it over One Direction. And speaking of One Direction, An Startlingly Similar Direction are up next. They're dedicating their performance to the armed forces, as most of them have family connections, and they're singing Coldplay. YEAH, REAL EDGY. They're singing Fix You, which might be my most hated Coldplay song for reasons I won't get into right now, so I just want this to be over asap. They all seem to be wearing matching shoes, too, which is just very, very weird. Seriously, they're all in the same jeans, same boots/shoes, same white shirt and vaguely different black/grey blazers.

Tulisa says Louis is on a roll this week and nailed it again. She says the boys have found their market and are very much appealing to them. Well, if that isn't inspirational for the artistry of music, I don't know what is.

This cat has more soul and artistic integrity than Union J. For reals.

Oh, and the other judges liked it too but I don't care anymore.

James Arthur is last up and that is good cos it means this torture is almost over. In his VT he says he can't take compliments really well. Heh, he doesn't need to worry about that too much around these parts. First of all, he's wearing a ridiculous trucker hat. Second of all, he says he grew up with music like the Stereophonics and Stone Roses and he's singing an Adele song. Which totally makes sense. Apparently the song reminds him of where he's from and everything, so they show pics of him with his sisters where he has THE WORST EMO HAIRCUT IN THE HISTORY OF TIME ITSELF.

There, no compliments to worry about here.

The Adele song in question is Hometown Glory, and it's basically just him, his guitar and his tats, which are out I think for the first time on the live shows. There's very little need for me to write anything much about him here cos no matter what he does the judges will love it. And cos there's not much else to say about him, his performances are basically the same every week. It starts off as a decent enough cover of something you might not expect him to sing, and half way through he either starts wailing, rapping or it gets a beat, which is exactly what happens here.

Louis thinks he's like Professor Green or Plan B. Ummm, ok then. Tulisa talks about dubstep and wishing, before she was on the show, wishing that the public would embrace someone like him. Gary says no one should over Adele except for James, it was brilliant, blah blah blah. And Nicole squeals a bit, throws around words like swag and freak, making them verbs, and fat beats and what not. They keep going on about him using a dubstep beat on it but ffs it was only for like ten seconds at the end of the song. He might have "freaked Adele" but he hardly Skrillexed her. Anyway.

Now all we have to endure is One Direction. Honestly not sure I can get through that. Not without the use of food greasier and fattier and carbier than the handful of popcorn I just had, anyway (subliminal message: bring me pizza).

Five seconds in and I'm out. Night folks! Here's hoping they decide to pull the plug next week, just have the final a few weeks early between James, Jahmene and Ella like they want, and put us all out of our misery.

Dear Mittens, Please Go Away.

And that's the polite version.

Welcome to my myriad, rambling and sleep-deprived votes as I try not to snore my way through the US presidential election.

So far, I'm impressed about how much newscasters can talk about so little actual news. I'm also loving how completely patronising the reporters are when explaining the simplest of facts to us. I mean, come on, I know it's the US elections, but it's for a UK audience, we're not that thick. I smirked heartily, however, when David Dimbleby kept asking a Republican strategist why the Latino vote was traditionally Democrat and not Republican, while she tried to think of something other than "racism".

I find American elections so utterly odd. Not only because rather a lot of Americans seem to be utterly mental and not to be trusted to wipe their arses competently, let alone vote, but because of all the unnecessary hooha they create. All this nonsense with machines and touch screens and hanging chads and what not - what the hell is wrong with a pencil and a piece of paper?! And all the stuff they have to vote for all at once, it's a bit much, surely? I guess it's just stubbornness and familiarity breeding superiority on my part, but I much prefer the way our elections work. Obviously America is a much bigger country, both in terms of population and area, so managing the votes and counting them is a much bigger headache, but still.

Another thing that I much prefer about our systems here, is that we don't have political advertising. It seems to do nothing but propagate falsehoods and piss people off, so what's the point spending all that money on ads, rather than spending more money actually meeting with and talking to people, and getting their actual message out.

And lol, the BBC just tried to suggest that 70-odd percent of the vote in South Carolina was going to Obama. Emily Maitlis looked well confused.

Basically America is weird. That's my take on things so far. That, and that I want Jed Bartlet to be elected.

Can they bring on some dancing dogs or something? I'm getting well bored. I think I might actually have fallen asleep already. Doesn't help that I'm doing this without snacks. Rookie mistake.

Can we not have someone shoot an old man in the face again? Remember that? That was fun. Not for the guy who got shot, but for the rest of us.

If I am reminded one more time that 270 is the number of electoral votes that we need to get to, I will 270 someone right in the face. Take that as you will.

Also (genuine question here) why do they close the polls so early? 7 or 8pm is a bit ridiculous, it's hardly any wonder the lines are so long. Why can't they keep them open until 9 or 10 like any sort of civilised country? Hmph.

Time for some Coco Pops, I think. Hmmm, this milk might be a bit dodgy :/

It's quite funny to watch people like Jeremy Vine try to explain why rural areas of Virginia vote Republican without calling them red-neck hicks.

Y'know, I think they should approach the election coverage with a little bit less on the graphs and charts side, and a little bit more on the telethon side. Make it more like Comic Relief and the like - fill the time between counts with skits and celebrities looking like tits (insert joke about Nadine Dorries here).

I think I've seen more warnings against taking exit polls seriously tonight than I have seen "Just Say No" posters in doctors surgeries in my entire life. Therefore, exit polls are clearly more dangerous than heroin. That's the message I'm taking away from this anyway.

They're talking about big snatches on the BBC. *sniggers*

David Dimbleby wants to talk about the kind of man that Mitt Romney is. He's a dick. There, we're done. Next.

John Simpson trying very hard not to say that the Chinese prefer Republican presidents because they're immoral and easier to read. Lol.

OMG THERE'S A PASTOR STEVE HOLT ON THE TV THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!

Soz. I'm very easily excitable.

Well, I fell asleep then. I dozed off before Ohio, Virginia, Colorado or Nevada were called, and woke up during Romney's concession speech. Phew! I haven't really checked in with too much more news this morning, other than the headlines, but glad to see that so far (without Florida, mind) Obama seems to be ahead on the popular vote as well as the electoral college. It would have made things a lot more complicated had he won the electoral college but lost the popular vote, he'd never have heard the end of it.

I've also not heard the results on all the state votes, but it seems that it's been a good night for same-sex marriage rights, so my faith in the existence of humanity in America is starting to be somewhat strengthened.

This was such a different election from 2008. I sat up all night, glued to messageboards and various news channels and every website I could find that would give me more information, and despite Obama's victory being a lot more certain that time, the sense of euphoria and just pure emotion when he won was incredible. I was so touched that a country with such dire racial issues could overcome this to elect the first black president and start to put that behind them. I was moved by the sense of hope and optimism, and felt a sense of hope myself for my own country, that if they could do it, so could we.

But the last 4 years have knocked that hope and optimism out of me. Obama has been a disappointment in many ways, but he was always going to be. No one could possibly live up to the expectations of that 2008 campaign, it was always going to be an anti-climax. But what has disappointed me most is the utter vitriol and bitterness with which his election was greeted by the right. The blatant racism, homophobia and sheer stupidity and hatred that so many on the right have failed to conceal. The hope that he could unite the country seems like folly now.

But anyway. It was a long night, I'm still tired and out of it, but very, very, very relieved and glad that Obama won. Here's hoping the next 4 years prove me wrong about the xenophobia, racism and bigotry of the American right. I'm not holding my breath, though.

X Factor Live Shows: Live Blog 5? I think?

Ok, so literally still digesting the last of my nummy nummy soup, but here we go, it's X Factor time! And if that isn't guaranteed to give me indigestion and heartburn, I don't know what is.

So it's Number Ones night, and we're minus Lucy, as I'm sure most of you already know. Although it hasn't been mentioned as yet which is a tad odd.

Oh, ok, they're explaining it now. Tulisa sends her all her love while Louis claps like a seal. Gary is talking the usual stuff, and Nicole is dropping double entendres about stiff and hard all over the show. 

Rylan is up first, and in his VT he takes Nicole to Essex, which he describes as like "the Hollywood of Engerland". Yeah, totes. He gets waxed by Amy Childs, they teach Essex talk to Nicole and Rylan gets spray painted orange.

Nicole also agrees to get Rylan's face vajazzled on herself, which is bringing my chicken noodle soup right up.

So Rylan's singing Hung Up by Madonna, and starts off just singing (which both looks and sounds rather suspicious, if you ask me), and then the madness begins. He's got massive feather shoulder thingies and the set is named La Boutique Rylan. This is gonna end with someone flashing the vajazzled face of Rylan at us, isn't it?

Also rather annoyingly my internet connection seems to be being a twat and buffering all over the show (just wrote buggering there by accident, oopsie...) so apologies if I miss something important. Like Rylan actually hitting a note.

So far Louis and Tulisa like it and find it entertaining, which is the same crap they've been spewing thus far. Gary shocks everyone by saying that the vocals at the top "weren't too bad" but he thinks it will be his last performance. Nicole gives him a big ole Essex 'Shut uuuup' and tells him he was effortless and beautiful up there. Er, no.

God almighty but the Christmas adverts are boring this year. First ad break so far has brought us ads for Matalan, the Samsung Galaxy Note, eBay and the new Kindle Fire and I want to fall asleep. WHITHER THE COKE POLAR BEARS, TELEVISION??!!

It's not Christmas till these guys show up. It's also not Christmas at all cos it's early November, but no one seems to have told the telly execs that.

Dermot reminds us that Louis has been partially responsible for 23 number ones, and let's all just take a moment to think about that, shall we?

And now that we're all suitably depressed about the music industry, Union J are up now and their VT is just them gurning and moaning about how terrible it was to be in the bottom two last week and going out this week fighting, blah blah blah cliche cliche cliche. They talk about how they're just normal lads and immediately one of them tells us he used to be a jockey. Yup, that's totally normal.

They've given the Harry Styles lookalike one a guitar this week and they're singing a Taylor Swift song that I've never heard before. Possibly because I've only ever heard one Taylor Swift song. I frankly don't care enough to look up what it is. They're all standing on a platform with fake rain or snow or something on the screens behind them, and there's an alarming epidemic of popped collars going on here. Who on earth do they think they are, Nolan from Revenge? PAH.

Tulisa congratulates Louis on a brilliant song choice, and goes on about finding their market and nailing it with the song choice and teenage girls and what not. Gary says he was concerned they made the wrong decision with the sing off last week but this proved them right and says George needs to blend in more vocally. Nicole thinks it was a solid and sweet performance and tries to command the teenage girls in the audience like she's Moses with the Red Sea. 

Kye is all stoked after his performance last week and Robbie Williams liking him, he goes back to see his brother who wants to put him back to work as a chimney sweep and their eating a fry up with tomato sauce is just making me dead hungry. Gary tells him to find whatever he found inside last week to unlock that massive performance, but personally I think it's all down to the hair being quiffed up instead of straightened down like an emo teenager in 2006.

He's doing You Get What You Give by the New Radicals, he's all upbeat and wandering around touching hands with the audience and apparently pretending he's an airplane? He's also high fiving the judges and I think getting a tad carried away with himself. But I do think he comes off a lot better doing the more upbeat stuff, cos it doesn't result in me falling into a coma, so there's that I guess.

Nicole seems like she's suddenly worried about Kye being competition for her boys, possibly, cos she didn't seem too sold on it despite saying good things about it. Louis says something I pay no attention to but it was good, I think. Tulisa was worried it was going to be safe but says his energy won her over and of course Gary congratulates him on being a great performer.

OMG would they stop advertising food on the tv when all I've got in is soup and cereal?!! This is torture.

This is me right now. Apparently no one can hear me. Sad face.

Ok, they stopped advertising food and instead advertised Downton Abbey with an alarmingly crap cover version of The Times They Are A-Changing. Like, shiveringly crap version.Yuck.

James Arthur is next and there's still no sign of the Deirdre Barlow glasses. His VT is all about how his time at the X Factor seems to be bringing his family together and making them all happy and stuff. Him talking about anyone being happy is just weird. He has a masterclass with No Doubt, and Gwen Stefani clearly thinks he's an ass for singing Don't Speak for them, but says he's not bad anyway. And that's what he's singing tonight it seems. So far, it's fairly normal and just sounds like a very unoriginal cover version....until he starts rapping (about dumping someone) and apparently forgets his lyrics at one point. And then of course he starts doing his wailing thing over the end of it. Nicole is bouncing around in her seat in a manner which suggests she either has worms or didn't get to the bathroom during that last ad break.

Louis of course goes on about how he's so talented and puts his own spin on songs, so basically exactly what he says every week. Tulisa says it was stripped back for him, it was wicked and she loved it. Gary says it was another brilliant performance and that he always pulls it out of the bag every week and gets better and better. I honestly think he could take a dump on that stage and they'd applaud his authenticity and risk-raking. Nicole says the word time a lot and says "you just blow m-" and that's where my stream decides to buffer. Hehehehehe, dirty tv stream. She said blow my mind, btw.

Next we have Ella and she's been concerned that the themes have been overtaking who she is as an artist and wants to get back to her roots. No Doubt seem to like her more than James, heh, and think she's right to just want to sing a simple piano ballad. They think she's great and it's a perfect song choice, so let's see. She's singing Firework, by Katy Perry, btw. And I love and covet her outfit. It might not be the best thing that I always seem to want to wear what they dress a 16 year old in on this show, but there you have it. She wears a lot of sparkly, shiny stuff and I'm a clothing magpie.

Sparkly!

Shiny!

Pretty!

Anyway, back to the song, she's doing brilliantly and I predict that all the judges will lose their shit over it. I also predict that Katy Perry will leave the music industry forever upon hearing this. I might be a bit off on this prediction, though. Gary thinks the simplicity was great but that the key was slightly too high. Nicole is moved to tears almost and is babbling somewhat incoherently and seeing things. Louis goes on about her being a recording artist and says it was a brilliant song choice and I can't tell what Tulisa is saying because of the BLOODY BUFFERING. She says something about her creating a moment and that's what's special about her.

District 3 and there's some stuff in the VT about them being at school together (it had actually escaped me that they were a pre-existing band and not one fabricated by the producers), and then my ITV stream decides to fall apart so I have no idea what their performance is like. I don't think I'm missing a lot, however. It's Dynamite by Taio Cruz, from the few seconds that I saw before it went down. Technology should really be better than this by this point.

Performance over and the judges are arguing. Tulisa says they had too much to think about this week and Louis is shouting "no, no, no" over it. Gary says it was a bland song choice and they aren't the vocal harmony band that they used to be. Nicole says "No, baby, no" and tells Louis the song was wrong but he's having none of it. He thinks it was fantastic and Tulisa is waving her pen in his face and stuff. I wish she'd draw a wee moustache or something on it. The boys basically try not to say that Louis threw them under the bus by having them do something that's not them, and look like they might chuck up a bit. There are either loads of streamers on the stage, or someone threw a boat load of bog roll at them, so now I'm really wanting to see what happened.

Now there's a weird advert on for EE 4G with Kevin Bacon where he talks about Frank Carson and Coronation Street and dogs. I did wonder if I had fallen asleep and into another one of my mad dreams again, like the one the other night where I was on a bus with Obama, but no, this one was real. Now a Furby is singing Lionel Richie's Hello. Srsly you guys, am I deffo awake here?

I desperately need someone to come on stage and do something utterly mental and crazy. But maybe there's no such thing on the X Factor anymore. After Jedward, Wagner and Johnny Robinson, can anything ever be the same again?

Anyway, Jahmene takes Nicole to Asda to show her what his life used to be like. He shows her the barcode stocking gun and it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her when it beeps. That girl is cray cray.

I know someone you can call...

Jahmene is singing Listen by Beyonce, Louis is swaying from side to side in his seat, Nicole can hardly control herself (I'm telling you - worms) and I'm betting Gary is making notes on this being the wrong key for him. After the key change he seems fine, but the start was a bit wobbly, he sounded strained a little bit and we've not heard him be anything but pitch perfect so far. It barely matters that the odd note is a little off here and there when he's that good, though.

Louis goes nutty about how great he is, how he'll be in the final, he's never going back to the supermarket etc etc. Tulisa is speechless and giggly to the point of making very little sense. Gary says he killed it, even though it has an enormous range, and his talent is amazing. Nicole calls him a slice of heaven and berates him for making her cry and being so inspirational, etc etc. You genuinely can't say anything bad about this kid, and I feel so sorry for him I can't even make fun of him. Damnit.

Christopher is next though, and I have noooooo problems making fun of him, so bring. it. on.

Gary is loving that the judges hate Christopher but that he keeps getting through, and wants to give them more of everything they dislike. Christopher thinks the judges are being negative because they're afraid of him. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! No. No they're not. No Doubt tell him they're rooting for him, but I can tell ole Gwennie there is lying. I knows the truth. 

He's doing All By Myself, which is kind of hilariously ironic. He's wearing yet another coat, I think they just bought a job lot in different colours for him. Tulisa looks so bored she could kill herself, and Gary is trying not to smirk at her, I think. I might have just made that up, but that's what it's come to here - I need to invent things to amuse myself with cos god knows no one on stage is doing a good enough job. Especially not this utterly, utterly unoriginal, dullllllllll version of All By Myself, a song which I normally like (not least cos it reminds me of Clueless, one of the best films of all time. OF ALL TIME).

Nicole also likes the song, says he did an amazing job and to enjoy it and she was also seeing things again with his performance, this time eagles. Ok then.... Louis says he's a good singer and a nice guy, but he won't sell records. There's some odd cackling in the background which I'd like to have heard the origin of. Tulisa thinks it was a good song choice and a good performance, but it was five weeks too late and thinks it's just a lucky one off. Christopher is crying and Gary is telling him that he's delivering to his public and he sings brilliantly every week. Louis then wants to know if Gary honestly thinks he can sell records internationally every week. Gary doesn't exactly answer and they bicker a bit before Dermot cuts them off. Personally, I think Dermot should've brought them up on stage to continue the argument wrestling like big girls' blouses, but that might just be me.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

So that is it for this week, folks, and it's been a dull one. One can only hope for some sort of nonsense to keep us interested tomorrow night.

X Factor Live Show 4: Live Blog

It's time for Halloween themed X Factor! Woo! Are we all excited?

Well, to give you an idea of how I'm feeling right now, I just spent a good 2 minutes trying to put a hoodie on. It's one of those days, I'm afraid.

So, god only knows what horrors are in store for us this evening. Dermot starts off dancing (well, he made one arm movement and took a step to the right) to Thriller wearing devil horns, but no stuntman doing backflips this week.

The judges enter, and apparently they all played a very cruel trick on Nicole telling her that it was fancy dress when none of them rest of them dressed up. Louis looks as dim and confused as usual, Tulisa has vampire fangs and Gary made some sort of strange smiling growly sort of face, while Nicole is dressed in some mental lace catsuit get up, with some weird head dress and mad hair, and she seems to be making Gary blush.

So far, so boring.

As we probably all know by know, Lucy is apparently too ill to perform this week, so she automatically goes through to next week. If I was a cynical, miserable cow, I'd point out that she was well enough to go out for Rylan's birthday on Wednesday, but sure.

Anyway, Kye is up first and he's doing Let Me Entertain You, which he sings for Robbie Williams in the masterclass. Gary admits that he was jealous of Robbie's career when he released this song (yeah, like we didn't already know that, given that this was Gary's fat disastrous solo phase), and then Kye looks very confused at the fact that he just met Robbie Williams. It's not like you met the Pope ffs, Kye, pull yerself together man.

So you were jealous of Robbie Williams at this point in time, Gary? Colour me shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you.

So, his version of Let Me Entertain You is so far not all that different from Robbie's, but Kye does move around the stage a lot and looks less like he wants to cry and/or vomit. He also has developed this little head movement thing where he wobbles his head from side to side, much like a bobble head doll. He even did a wee spin there that Dermot would be proud of. Apparently this is all to represent the character and personality that we've not seen so far, that he says has been trapped inside. Well if this is what it's like when it's let out, put it back in love. He does a wee run through the audience, and I will at least give him props for being able to sing despite running up and down a flight of stairs. I can't breathe while walking up and down a flight of stairs, so all power to his elbow for that.

Apparently Nicole liked his little 'dance thingy' this week and she really gets him now. Louis goes on about how much he loved Kye at the first audition, and that he hopes he's done enough tonight 'but I don't think you did' - basically doing the same thing that he did to Jade last week to try to weaken the audience's opinion of contestants. He goes on about something being missing, but we all know your game, Louis. We know what you're up to. The others liked it too, btw, and even Kye says Louis looked like he was enjoying it during the performance. Heh.

Behave, Louis. Behave.

I'm sitting through the ads with a horrible dilemma in front of me - do I eat a millionaire shortcake dessert, or chocolate wafer curls? It's like Sophie's Choice up in here.

While I mull that over, A Startlingly Similar Direction are next and they're starting the word bananas a lot in their VT, and a couple of them seem to be in their onesie pyjamas. Bless, you forget how young they are. Now they're out of their jammies and into suits at the James Bond premiere, with lots of girls screaming at them. I'm more interested in the brief glimpse of Stephen Fry at the premiere, but apparently the editors think we'd rather see Union J dressed up at Rylan's party. Their masterclass with Robbie seemed to involve him saying 'aye, yous are class' and then giving a look which seemed to say 'now fuck away off outta my face'. Lol.

So, their song is Beyonce's Sweet Dreams and involves them all perched on a car in the middle of the stage. A hint at their future as second hand car salesmen? I like to think so. The car is the most interesting part of the song, in fairness. They can sing alright, but let's face it, with boybands no one gives a shit, girls will vote for them regardless.

Tulisa says their vocals were really strong tonight but her only issue is that they played it a little bit safe. Which she isn't doing with her dress, as it looks to be so right over her boobs that she's going to cut off circulation. Gary agreed (about the vocals and playing it safe, not her boobs). Nicole, who looks decidedly dead behind the eyes this week - way to commit to a costume - says it was perfect. Her and Gary start arguing about whether or not it was over-produced, and Louis blabbers on about how much he believes in them again. That's really all he ever knows to say about anyone, that he believes in them, that they're a recording artist, that they're an international popstar. It's always particularly funny to me when he comes after Nicole and her and Gary go on about technical singing stuff and then Louis is just all 'yeah....you sang a wee song there, well done'. Ah Louis, what would we do without you?

In completely unrelated news, I am loving my new slippers. Also, I decided on the wafer curls as they don't involve cutlery and are therefore more conducive to blogging. I know you were all dying to know.

Rylan is next with an apparently deadly performance, according to Nicole. His VT is all about how apparently loads of popstars are backing Rylan to win, and Robbie telling Gary he should be getting the brilliance of Rylan. And then we have Nicole dressing like a right slapper in latex and singing to Rylan at his birthday party. As you do.

Rylan is doing Toxic. Well, so far - there'll probably be another 10 songs before the end. He's lying on some sort of perspex bed surrounded by dancers and what not, and judging from his singing when he stands up and starts dancing, he needs to be nailed to a flat surface to be able to sound like anything other than an animal in distress. Now it's Horny (which I've not heard in years, and didn't really appreciate hearing like this). Rylan is now on the desk thrusting his crotch towards Gary, singing Nicole's Poison and utterly massacring it. Maybe it's all a cunning ploy by her to remind people of how good a singer she is? I wouldn't put it past her.

Basically it was the same rubbish as it normally is. Louis thinks that Rylan is like a young Jean Paul Gautier. YES OF COURSE HE DOES. Fuckin hell. Tulisa says he delivers to the best of his ability every time he steps on that stage, but ffs that doesn't mean he's any use. Gary starts off wondering how he ever fell out with Robbie Williams. Gary tries not to be mean, by saying he was no worse than last week and the dancers were good and the music was so loud he couldn't hear him sing. Lol. Nicole then goes all weird again by singing Horny at him and talking some Yank gibberish. Then Rylan says that if he gets through he'll just stand there and sing to try to win Gary over. LOLOLOLOLOLOL indeed.

Ella is next and at her masterclass, Robbie basically tells her to ignore Gary. Heh. They all talk about how young she is and how she isn't overwhelmed by it all, which is true, and how amazing she is, which is also true. I can't find it in me to say a bad thing about this girl, even for the craic. Anyway, she's in some red cape thingy with a beehive on her head that will, quite frankly, take hours to brush out. I don't envy her that. She's singing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence but she's doing a pretty good job of making it sound like it could be an Adele song rather than some emo one hit wonder from years ago.

Gary throws heaps of praise on her, despite not liking the song that much. Nicole says it was her least favourite performance of Ella's, she says it was the wrong key for her and needed more depth and some other technical stuff about modulation and what not. Louis once again talks about her having a recording voice, and then slags off her hair. LOOK IN A FUCKING MIRROR, LOUIS.

Now there's some weird ad on with Michael Buble sliding from a green room to the stage and apparently it's an O2 ad. Okaaaaayyyyy.....

I have to say, is it just me or is X Factor a tad more boring than usual this week? And for a section of the show that's included Rylan, that's probably not a good sign. I'm starting to reminisce for the good old days of Jedward doing the Ghostbusters theme. Ah, memories....

Christopher is next and OMG I'M SO EFFING BORED OF HIM. There's a lot of talk about nerves, and the public supporting him (apparently he's been at the top of the public votes, which I find terrifying in the extreme). He talks a lot about how made up he is to have people behind him, and Gary goes on about how his mum loves Christopher, and therein lies the problem Gary. Presumably yer ma isn't exactly the kind of record-buying audience that Cowell wants to cash in on. There's also no mention of Christopher going AWOL to go back to Liverpool this week and missing the masterclass with Robbie, which apparently the producers were well raging about.

He's singing I Just Died In Your Arms tonight, and whilst the production on it is quite modern and what not, the song is still dated and cheesy. How can Gary not see this? What are you playing at, Borelow?

Nicole tells him it was like an 80s pop rock opera, and does some weird hip thrusty things and tells him he did a good job. Louis says they're looking for a future recording artist, but he's a future cabaret and panto star. Tulisa is apparently reading my mind cos she asks Gary how many 80s classics is he going to let Christopher destroy when they're giving the same critique each week. Gary says "I don't know what offended me more, what you just said or the fag ash breath". OOOOOH BITCHY!!! She hits back at him smelling of red wine, but still.

District 3 are next, and Dermie just called Louis the apple bobbing champion of Ireland 1953. I did a lol.

Robbie tells District 3 to be more natural and have a laugh. Which seemingly means that they dance with canes this week, but one of them keeps hitting the others and dropping his. If he manages to twat one of the judges with it I will vote to keep them in. For realsies.

They're doing Every Breath You Take dressed like A Clockwork Orange and before I get to finish typing that sentence they're into Beautiful Monster by Ne Yo and it's mash up central all up in this joint. They're doing entirely too much jumping around though cos they sound decidedly out of breath and their vocals are much weaker than usual.

Again, Tulisa agrees with me about them getting out of breath and everything. I better make sure I don't have fag ash breath. It would be quite a shock, given that I'm fascistically anti-smoking. Gary says it was a mess and that he's fed up with mash-ups. Nicole agrees with him about the mash up, she's scared of their music, and blah blah something something key something something blah.

Jahmene is next, and it's more about how emotional last week was for him, and then he's singing for Samuel L Jackson. What the absolute fuck?!! That's a helluva segue!

Sam says if Jahmene don't win, something is fucked up. Guys, we might wanna be careful here, we don't wanna go pissing off Samuel L Jackson. He a bad motherfucker.

Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly, and is just standing there and singing as per Gary's frequent instruction. It's fairly flawless, and the judges are in agreement. Louis, of course, makes comparisons to every black male artist he can think of. I'm waiting for a comparison to MC Hammer next, cos he's running out of people to make generic and idiotic references to.

Next we have Jade, and they're at the Skyfall premiere and then back to her flat with her rather adorable little girl who has the most awesome glasses I've ever seen on a kid. Tulisa pops round for a visit, and looks really odd but I cant figure out why. Might be the lack of three pounds of slap on her bake.

Jade is doing a rather intriguing version of Freak Like Me. She's kit out in a latex cat suit that she must have been sewn into. Something isn't right about this though. I don't know if her voice is still dodgy from the problems she's been having with her throat or if it's the wrong key or if it's the dancing, which we've not really seen from her. But she just seems to be having problems. Something sounds missing.

Gary says she's come back fighting, but that her vocals are weaker than usual. Nicole says it was frightening and she didn't get it. Love, from the woman who puts Rylan up there for us that's going a tad far. She says it seemed like she was awkward up there with all the choreography, and Louis goes on about how it was more style than substance which is fair enough - Jade is all about the unique tone to her voice and this did not show it up. Tulisa goes on about the themes and how they all have to try something different blah blah blah.

Blah is basically the theme for this week - I'm even struggling to find things to google image search to put up funny pictures. There's just nothing interesting going on at all, apart from Gary having a go at Tulisa's breath. Excuse me if I don't finish the rest of the blog, I might have fallen into a coma.

James is up next, and last, and he meets Labyrinth wearing a stupid looking trucker hat. Oh and he gets to perform on stage with Labyrinth at one of his gigs, but I'm more focused on how stupid the hat was. It was really stupid, you guys.

He's doing Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics and is doing so wearing a ridiculous amount of eyeliner. I know it's Halloween, but still like. I had read that he was doing something really heavy apparently, but this sure as hell ain't it. He's doing that thing where he basically wails all over the end of the song but he's at least not trying to pull his top off like it's electrocuting him. That might be cos he's wearing a jacket that looks rather like a straight jacket though. And basically that was alright, but nothing spectacular. Of course the judges will go nuts for it. Louis calls him dark and intense, but presumably anything other than Jedward would be dark to him. Tulisa goes on about him taking old school songs and making them modern and stuff about him being relevant and current and stuff. Gary love love loves him, and Nicole says he's the difference, whatever that means, and James himself looks utterly nonplussed.

And that's yer lot. Who will be going home tomorrow, I wonder? If it's not Christopher I will be very angry. So prepare for me to be very angry.

Night night.

Two Irish kids take on Rihanna

These kids are amazing!! Expect Louis Walsh to try to sign them up for X Factor, and for one of the contestants to immediately rip of their rendition of We Found Love.

Brilliant.

X Factor Live Shows: Live Blog 3

Well, it's the third week and I'm getting bored already. That's a good sign. Slightly raging that Melanie was voted off last week, but I'm not surprised. Especially when she was up against a boy band that everyone but Gary seems to love.

Also, in a complete lack of forethought or planning, I haven't eaten dinner yet, and have no junk food in. This could get messy, folks. I wonder if I could get Dominos to sponsor my posts? They'd just have to give me free food once a week....

Here we go folks, it's 'why don't I have anything better to do on a Saturday night time?!'

Recap of last week's performances, and it's people singing noises rather than words. Except for Rylan, strangely enough. Mostly cos he can't sing anything at all.

The dancing girls are back for Dermot this week, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. All he's doing is loads of twirls and some jumping around and backflips - yeah, cos that was definitely him and not a stunt double cos it's not like we just saw him run off stage at the start or anything....

It's Club Night tonight, so this is going to be...interesting.

Dermot starts out by asking Gary WTF is going on when he's lost two acts, and again, Gary has another go at the 'judges' *coughLouiscough* for not making the right decisions.

Louis is in a polo neck jumper tonight, which can only mean he's up to no good. That cheeky monkey.

Dermot is doing the phone numbers and everything and OH MY GOD GET ON WITH IT I COULD BE USING THIS TIME TO EAT DON'T WASTE MY TIME LIKE THIS.

Overs are up first, so it's Christopher Maloney first. Club Classics is a real natural for him, like.... Although given all the stuff in the papers maybe he just needs to capture his inner diva. Now we have Gary trying to say that Usain Bolt stole his bolt pose thing. Yeah, cos you're the sort of dancer people crib moves from, Gary. Totes.

I spent so long looking for that pic that I've basically ignored all of Christopher's performance of Waiting For A Star To Fall only to see him end a cheesy piece of shit with a cheesy punch to the air.

Nicole says it's hard to criticise his performance but a) I hasten to disagree and b) I think she's doing a pretty good job. Louis says he remembers buying that song before Tulisa was even born and goes into some odd reminiscence of the 80s, but says he likes it. Tulisa keeps it real by saying that she officially doesn't get it, it's too cheesy and not modern, etc etc. She has a go at Gary for having a go at Rylan for being cheesy but says Rylan is 'BabyBel, you're churning your own stilton here'. LOLZ Tulisa, lolz.

Christopher doesn't think it's cheesy but takes everything on board. How about taking it overboard and pissing off, mate, you're annoying and dull.

Hmm, apparently I'm more cranky than normal without my dinner in me. Wonder if I keep talking about the deliciousness of Dominos pizza will they bring me one? #blatantplug Soz folks!

Lulz, I'm not really sorry.

Surprise Surprise is coming back with Holly Willoughby presenting. Sorry, but it's nothing without Cilla singing/caterwauling 'Surprise SurPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE' all over the show.

MK1 next and they defend their performance last week - they love the song but they aren't a pop act. They're proper realz, yo. It shows them watching the results show behind the scenes and looking like they might be peeing their pants. They're concerned about choosing between overground/underground, but apparently they don't realise that the Oyster card works on both, and that they can womble free on both.

Oooh, Gary, even the Wombles are nicking your moves!! Sue 'em!!

So they're doing Crystal Waters' Gypsy Woman mashed with Pass Out. Um ok. They aren't bad exactly, but it's not a genius mash up or anything. I think 2 Many DJs are safe. Charlie's (look at that, I learned her name) vocals are a bit better than they have been in the past, but she's still just ok. I don't know what to think of these 'uns. I don't mind them at all, and don't mind their sort of music, but they aren't amazing. But then they're on the X Factor so they aren't gonna be.

Tulisa criticises them for doing Tinie, the first half with Gypsy Woman was better, and Gary agrees, says they need to be confident with their song choice blah blah blah. Nicole is all 'that was freaking shamaaaazing' and she wanted to bust moves to it, they brought the energy and fun, etc etc.

Jahmene is next and his VT is all emotional and about the stuff that's been in the papers about his family and the terrible things he's had to endure. I understand that it would be difficult to deal with that, but it's Club Classics week, liven up ffs. Also I might want the skirt Nicole is wearing in the VT.

And Jahmene is doing Say A Little Prayer. Um, not exactly what I'd call a club classic, but ok then. I think he's wearing one of the costumes that Marcus Collins left behind from last year, with his matching teal trousers and bow tie. His vocal performance is excellent, as usual, and the judges all fawn over him, also as usual. Louis tells him he's a little Ray Charles, Tulisa makes him cry by saying his whole life has led to this moment, Gary tells him not to move around the stage (lol) but he's great, and Nicole tells him he has bigger balls than anybody she knows. She's obsessed, that one.

James seems to have his guitar this week, which will no doubt make everyone lose their shit. You know what I wanna see him do, though? Wear those Deirdre Barlow glasses on stage. WHITHER THE DEIRDRE GLASSES, JAMES????

See, she misses them too. You're making her sad, James. I hope you can live with yourself.

Someone needs to come up with an option for live tv streaming on computers that allows you to pause to make yer dinner then fastforward through the ads. Get on it, folks.

Oooh, apparently this week in the Sun's Sunday magazine, Kelly Osborne talks weight loss secrets. I'm sure the secret doesn't involve being rich enough to afford a personal trainer, fancy gyms, training several times a week and expensive healthy food? Ok, I might be a bit bitter against all rich and thin people, but still. THERE IS NO FLIPPING SECRET TO LOSING WEIGHT, WE JUST NEED TO PUT DOWN THE FLIPPING CAKE.

Ok, back to the show - Jade is having problems with her vocal cords and she's not allowed to talk or sing all week, which she's obviously freaked out about. So Brian Friedman (dressed like a vampire tonight) helpfully freaks her out more. Twat. She's got purple/grey hair now (much like Kelly Osborn, funny enough) and she's singing You're Free in what I can only describe as a neon pink Hammer pants jumpsuit. That's committing to the theme, I guess. Her voice sounds ok, but a bit like she's trying to save it which is understandable. Also the arrangement of the song is a bit too repetitive for my liking. I think they tried too hard to modern it up with the production, it didn't get lively enough for my liking.

Gary says she did very well considering, Nicole goes on about her having to work it and lifting her voice up more (uh, did she not just hear that the girl is about to break her throat?). The way Nicole has a tendency to sing-talk things makes me think that Cheryl Cole might be right about her being a bit mental. Louis goes on about her having to have more energy and she didn't perform well enough this week and everything, and everyone has a go at him for not understanding that she was under doctors orders to rest, including Dermot. Heh, I love it when they gang up on Louis, the big eejit.

They ought to stick one of these on the front of the judges' desk.

And the Mail on Sunday has Pippa Middleton's personal tips for entertaining. Interesting. Perhaps an attempt to repair her image after the eejit with the gun in Paris? Cos pictures of you walking around smiling with a plate of nibbles will totally make people forget about firearms-related misdemeanors.

James is up next, and there's a terribly dramatic VT about his panic attack after the performance last week. Nicole, during his rehearsal is going on yet again about baby oil and is basically feeling up her boobs in front of him - seriously, girl is mental.

So he's doing an acoustic version of Sexy And I Know It, with a load of sexy dancers in leopard print leotards prancing about, no doubt about to give him another heart attack. I would like this a helluva lot better if it hadn't been done by that bloke on the internet whose name I forget ages ago. I can't remember the internet version well enough to know how the arrangements compare, but consider me skeptical until I can compare them. Which will have to wait until the next break.

Louis goes mental about how great he is, and if I were James I'd not be wanting to be left alone in a room with Louis. Tulisa says it was good to see him have fun instead of something all intense and Gary cannot control himself, says it was the performance of the series so far. Um, that's going a bit far, and Nicole is just as surprised as me.

Another Direction are up next (btw, all the One Direction puns have been flying so freely around the internet that I do not take ownership of that phrase, nor A Slightly Different Direction or No Direction or any of the others). Their VT is all about how girls find them so sexy, and they're so popular with the girls, and girls love them and OH MY GOD WE GET IT ALREADY.

They're sitting around some platformy things trying to look all pensive and shit (mostly looking like they need to take a shit) and they're singing When Love Takes Over. Their routine thus far involves taking turns standing on different steps of the platform. Well, I suppose that's better than stools. Now they're off the platformy thing, there are some pyrotechnics in the background (or a rather serious problem with the lighting rig) and that's basically it. A bit lame for Club Classics week, but this lot could take a piss on stage and they'd still get voted through.

Tulisa says they were great, get stronger every week, just the beginning, blah blah blah bored now. Gary says they're witnessing the birth of a brand new boyband. And much like childbirth, that is something I do not wish to see. Gary and Nicole both want more harmonies from them, and Nicole wanted more energy and starts into technical stuff about harmonies and notes and things but I'm distracted by her unusual hand jewelry that has chains on it which would distract the shit out of me.

Ad break and I'm able to compare Noah (that's the kid on the internet) and James' acoustic versions of Sexy And I Know It and they're veeeeeeeeery similar. If I were that Noah kid, I'd sue. (But please don't call me as a witness kthxbai):

I mean ok, it's the same song so there will obviously be similarities, and James did it at Judges' Houses which I think I missed, but still. It's like when someone (Matt Cardle, possibly?) did Britney but it was exactly the same as the Travis version, and everyone creamed their pants over how original and brilliant it was.

But anyway, show is back on and it's Rylan and lots of his caterwauling/crying over getting through. They're trying to go for the sympathy vote by showing pictures of him looking ginger and a bit chubby as a kid and how he got bullied. He goes to the hairdressers and a hairdresser who looks a bit like James Arthur with his glasses on tries to shave off Rylan's beard and he wails the whole way through.

Rylan is in some bizarre slightly space-agey get up and once again can't sing. Why can't they find him a song where the fact that he can't sing isn't so feckin obvious?! I'd like his nonsense a helluva lot more if he could hit the odd note here and there. Once again, he's doing a mash up of everything under the sun, and does a little 'I'm sorry for my behaviour' thing in the middle, after all his drunken shenanigans this week, but it's just well weird.

Louis thinks they need him in the competition, he's full of energy, blah blah blah. Tulisa tries to make Gary laugh by asking if he wants a bite of the Baby Bell, and says she always wants to see him perform because it's entertaining. Gary talks about how it's not fair that a talented person has to go home to keep him here, says he should have been the best performance cos it's Club Classics but he was the worst. Nicole goes on about how he's the only one dancing this week, and clicks her fingers a lot. I don't know how Gary stopped himself from snapping them fingers right off her hand.

Rylan looks like he might puke afterwards and just thanks everyone and thanks Brian Friedman who is apparently leaving this week. Is that why he's dressed like Dracula?

Lucy Spraggan is up next and her VT is all about her and Rylan's antics after the show on Sunday night, and apologises for upsetting anyone. Eh, who cares. Apparently she's written part of the song she's doing, but I'm not sure what that means, exactly. It seems to be some sort of re-write of Titanium? I'm not too sure about it though. She can't quite get the high notes of the Titanium chorus, and it's a bit lacking in energy. Not so much from her point of view, but in the overall production or something. Just something doesn't sound quite right or convincing enough about it.

Gary says it's another innovative performance, and that she keeps surprising them and keeping them guessing. Apparently doing anything with an acoustic guitar on stage will get Gary to go mental about you. I wonder if I show up at the auditions next year using a tennis racket for a guitar would I get through? Nicole says she was great, Louis says her new hair is good (um, it doens't look new?) and has a go about her having more fun off stage. What a bitch. Told you he was wearing his mischevious polo neck. Tulisa shuts him up and Lucy is basically 'what do you expect, I'm 21'. Which is fair enough, she just got a bit drunk and fell over. Happens to the best of us. Well, the falling over bit happens to me anyway - that's why I don't drink, I'm enough of a disaster sober.

I imagine this is Louis's profile picture right now.

There's an advert on with a giant robot and teddy bear and some kids. Don't care what it's for, I'm buying what they're selling cos GIANT TEDDY BEAR. Well, except I'm not buying it cos it's an advert for Ikea and I have literally no more room for anything for Ikea in my house. Not to make it sound like my house looks like one of their catalogue pages - I'm not about to go on some Fight Club spree - more that I have no surface areas left upon which to set anything. Including myself, rather often.

Kye is next and omg he bores me. His hair, his guyliner, his stupid facial hair, his rubbish songs. The VT shows Gary going through his performance with him and pointing out everywhere he's flat, which is basically everywhere, and tells him there were 32 flat notes. Gary really is an old fart if he counted them. Gary basically tells him he was rubbish and is getting worse, which apparently gave him his confidence back? Ok, but you still need a hair cut, love.

And he's performing on top of a rubbish heap with a keyboard and I'm still bored. He's doing Save The World by Swedish House Mafia, but it's more like Belgian Bungalow Consortium for how dull it is. It's basically this big intense (supposedly) balladic interpretation, but it's not doing anything for me. Gary nods his head like Churchill the Dog, and Kye takes a while getting off the rubbish heap. But maybe he should just stay there -

Of course, the judges are all over it, it was epic and amazing, and his mojo is back, and he was like Chris Martin. Like another boring twat who is inexplicably popular, then? Ok.

District 3 next, and apparently their problem was that they need to show their personality and fun side. This seemingly involved them showing some of their own ace moves to Brian Friedman. Judging from Friedman's reaction, that's why he's leaving the show. So they're doing Plan B and completely copying his style and almost exactly ripping off his album cover while they're at it. The one with the hat has even taken his hat off. Yo, this shit just got real, bro.

Now they seem to be having a problem with the sound because they're repeatedly asking for the music to be turned up. Oh no wait, it's a mash up of Rihanna. And a dancer old enough to be his ma just felt up one of the kids. That wasn't awkward... Oh and one of them did a back flip, so I'm just waiting for Louis to cal them the new JLS. Just you wait, it'll happen.

Tulisa says it's a good job they showed their confidence after being in the bottom 2 last week, cos that's what girls like. Which is obviously the key to winning the competition. Gary even likes them and calls them a revelation. Nicole goes on again about baby oil. Can someone get this woman a cold shower. And Dermot too, apparently, as he's even trying to get a look in at hat-boy's abs. You're a married man, Dermot, behave yourself.

Ella is last up after the break, and apparently she's planning a shocking peformance. If it involves attacking Louis with a tazer, I'm on board with that.

This feels like the longest ad break ever. Maybe that's just cos I know I get to eat food after this is over.

Ella's VT is all about how Adele tweeted her last week, and about how Ella apparently dances. Brian is tres excited about this. She's doing You've Got The Love and so far her dancing is all arms and hands. Ooh, spoke too soon, there was a hip wiggle. I don't want to rain on her parade, but the dancing isn't doing it for me. It looks too choreographed and not natural enough. And too focused on the arms. It was all about the arms, and I was a bit worried for a while that she got chewing gum stuck to the bottom of her shoes.

Gary says she doesn't need to dance, especially not moves done by Steps, she should say no in the future. Tulisa and Nicole start on Gary about his not being able to dance, and Nicole basically says that she's the only one able to critique dancing on the show (big head, much?) and that she did great, says it was effortless and natural. Clearly this woman is on something. Tulisa tries to copy Nicole's singing-talking thing which is just weird, and Louis loves her as usual. Ella says she just wanted to feel 16 tonight and have some fun, which is perfectly fine and basically Gary needs to shut up because:

So there.

They do the recap and put me off my impending dinner by reminding me of Christopher Maloney. Ugh. Can he please go? He is not going to sell pop records, never, ever, under any circumstances. At least Rylan has the courtesy to have a certain WTF factor to him, even if he's rubbish.

And that's yer lot, I'm hungry, see yous next week. Or before if something really mad happens, so keep your fingers crossed everybody!