Spies 'n' Shit - Spooks S10E02 Review

Finally getting around to episode 2 of the last series of Spooks. I will spell this out now, loud and clear - if Harry and Ruth don't end up alright at the end of this series, I will cut a bitch.

Stay safe guyz!!!!

Anyway - it's been a while since I've watched the first episode, so the "Previously..." is actually quite helpful for once. It reminds us that Harry had a relationship with the wife of a bent Russian minister who was spying for the West, and fathered her son, who isn't exactly Harry's biggest fan. This is all rather bad timing, because the UK wants to have a 'special relationship' with the Ruskies, and America is all I DON'T THINK SO.

We start with Elena (Harry's baby mama) calling him but saying nothing before hanging up and removing the SIM card from the phone, which is a message to meet. Then, we have Tarik doing some encrypting bizniz with files at Thames House, while some presumably bad guys suit up for what one can only assume are Bad Things. And indeed, Calum (douche from episode one, who was carrying a briefcase with Tariq's special secret files in) promptly gets mugged outside.

A bit like this. Except they didn't steal his camera phone.

Erin starts giving out orders for people to brief and look for things and what not. Apparently it was part of their weekly share with MI6, and for a reason I don't quite understand, they deleted the files off the main server once they were done encrypting them and putting them into the laptop that just got nicked. They were personnel files (for added verisimilitude they really have been left on a train) and includes an asset working within a dodgy Russian oil company - of which Gavrik (bent Russian, married to Elena) owns part. Whoopsie indeed.

At this point, Ruth enters to tell them that it's on the internet that the laptop was stolen, and Dimitri sees that the thieves are threatening to decrypt the files and tell the world what's on them. Tariq, like any good nerd, is mostly concerned with the claim that they can break his encryption, at which point Calum The Douche is all douchey and what not. They aren't too keen to pull their assets before they have to, so the idea is to stop the thieves blabbing first.

I don't know what their plan for finding the hackers is, I can only assume it was something like this.

Ruth then starts Ruthing it up with Harry, asking about Elena and saying that they need to talk about Sasha, their son. To which Harry sharply replies 'No we don't'. Dude, less of the 'tude. He then goes and Harrys in his office for a bit. For which read, stares into the distance, looking vaguely perturbed.

A bit like this...

...and this...

...and this, basically.

Next we see Sasha in his hotel room/suite/whatever. Someone with a weird beard enters and he hides with an umbrella (!) for protection but it turns out to just be one of his security detail buddies coming to give him a job or something, and they joke about poisoned umbrellas. 'Classic', they say. Yeah. Totally classic. *eyeroll*. Anyway - turns out that the job is an unregistered phone at their delegation's headquarters - Elena's, clearly. Sasha looks uncomfortable. I think looking like you might have just shit your pants but don't want to admit to it is the main audition requirement for this show.

Back to Thames House and they're too late, as one asset is leaked all over the internet. It's at this point that I'm being distracted by Erin's hair. I can't figure out what exactly I find so distracting about it, though. More on that later.

Harry tells Erin to get Martha Ford (the asset in the Russian oil company) to get as much on Gavrik as possible before she's burned. They agree not to tell her she's in danger, and to get ready to pull her asap if and when necessary. We get some more odd looks from Erin - it's hard to tell if it's bad acting, a red herring, or if we should be suspicious of her. In hindsight, I think that was meant to be discomfort on her part about having to lie to Martha. Bitch, if you can't stand the heat get out of the spy business.

I think this would have been a better choice for head of Section D.

 

Whitehall and a meeting between Harry and the Home Sec. The Home Sec isn't too happy about this - it would be disastrous for them if it gets spread all over the papers that they've been spying on the Russians, even though the Russians know about the spying anyway. And the UK knows that the Russians know. And I think maybe the Russians know that the UK knows that the Russians know? Who knows at this point. The Home Sec is being pissy with Harry, as if Harry left the information in a bin in St James' Park or something. Ahem. (Google "Oliver Letwin bin" at this point if I've lost you). Harry is all passive-aggressive back and notes that the safety of the assets is also at stake. The Home Sec couldn't care less, natch. He's all about keeping the Russians happy.

Sasha goes to see his ma and asks if she called Harry. He tells her that he knows she's a spy (but he obviously doesn't know Harry is his father), and asks for the phone that Harry gave her. She gives him the SIM, he tells her to leave the hotel and not come back till the evening. She comes over all maternal and tells him not to put himself in danger - which he aptly points out, she already took care of. Silly cow.

Ruth is at Thames House and looking wistfully at the files of the Gavriks. So, being Ruth, basically.

Something like this...

...and this...

...and this. You get the idea.

 
Dimitri is looking for one of the assets to take him in, but he's gone off the radar. Because he's lying dead in his bedroom, as Dimitri soon finds. Harry wants him to make it look like a suicide to keep the murder off the front pages.

Next, Erin is meeting with Martha the Asset, and tells her to log on as Gavrik to her company's server and steal his files. Martha doesn't seem so up for it, but Erin talks her into it, without telling her the kind of danger she's in.

Back to Dead Asset's flat (which is well posh, btw), and Dimitri and Calum faking the suicide. Dimitri makes Calum clean up the blood in the bedroom, which Calum moans about ('Why do I alwys get body fluids duty?' - lol, and euw). Because he's a douche. And cos he's the new boy, as Dimitri points out. Heh.

FSB London HQ next (I have trouble not reading that as the Federation of Small Businesses) and Sasha is looking all moody and shit. Beardy spy guy from before is there, and Sasha tries to head him off. Beardy Weirdy tells him that they think someone at the hotel called MI5. Sasha tries to convince Beardy Weirdy to team up with him and find out who it was themselves, before going to their superiors (to protect his mother, obvs), which BW agrees to.

Beardy weirdy.

 Martha is back at work at her oil company and is trying to access Gavrik's files, but needs an executive terminal to do it. We see the age-old rush to download files as the person whose computer she is using fast approaches. She gets the files just in time, and pretends she was leaving a note for him. He then introduces her to his mate - Gavrik, who insists she stay and sit in on the meeting they're about to have. Tension!!

Next we see that despite their best efforts, Dimitri and Calum The Douche seem to have been seen leaving the flat of Dead Asset Man after faking his suicide - according to the internet, anyway. Harry realises that MI5 is being framed, just as Martha's details hit the web. Erin comes back from her meeting with Martha to this news, and calls her to pull her out. Martha pretends her granny fell and she needs to leave (lamest excuse ever? If you'll pardon the pun, that is), but Gavrik is looking at her all suspicious-like. As she's trying to leave the building, the other bloke in the meeting gets a call that she's a spy, which Gavrik says he knew. Martha is in the lobby and trying to leave, but her picture is plastered all over the plasma screens on the news. This bit is fairly tense - she seems like a very nice, normal, not-spy type of person, so you do feel for her. Especially when she wasn't told she was in danger. Aww, etc. She leaves the USB stick that Gavrik's files are on in a plant thing in the lobby. She doesn't answer Erin's calls (Erin was coming to pick her up) as she hurries through the streets. Erin and Dimitri realise that if Erin is planning to go on the run she'll have to go home to get her passport, so Erin heads off there.

Martha gets home to 17 messages on her answer machine and starts frantically packing a bag. She has a lovely house too, btw. Erin gets to Martha's about the same time as some bad dudes in a van. Martha knows Erin lied to her and is well pissed, trying to escape her. As Erin is trying to convince her that she has her best interests at heart, the bad dudes get to the door, and the girls run out the back.

Back at the grid, and Tariq is trying to trace the hackers. Calum is being a dick to him - again, and Tariq has had enough. Go Tariq! He has a go at Calum for taking the piss all the time and Calum looks like he feels like a dick. Good. I like Tariq. Tariq is cool. Calum is not. That's why he's Calum The Douche.

Tariq=cool. We already know what Calum equals.

Sasha is at the hotel and has a list of names and room numbers. He goes into room 416, which I think belongs to some random staffer? It's not very clear. Anyway, he goes into the room and plants the SIM card in a phone in the room and turns it on (meaning the guys back at FSB HQ can now trace the phone to its exact location).

Erin has taken Martha to an MI5 safehouse. Martha tells her that she dumped the data to avoid getting caught with it, Erin leaves to go and 'fix it'. But before she leaves, she gives Martha the keys to the safehouse. Which seems like an odd thing to do, given that Martha was a flight risk all of five minutes ago. Even odder, when we see Martha fondling the keys and looking strangely into the distance as Erin leaves. I have no clue what that was about. Smell the fart acting at its best, folks.

Oooh, topical!!!

Beardy Weirdy has found the phone, but doesn't seem happy about it - he wants to know who all knew that he was looking for the phone. At which point Sasha calls him. He has shit timing. BW tells him he found the phone in room 216, at which point Sasha nearly shits a brick, but BW corrects himself and tells him it was in room 416. When he hangs up with Sasha, BW ends up following Elena through a crowd in London, as does Sasha - it's one of those slow montage scenes with heavy, mournful strings. As is Spooks' wont. Anyway, she's meeting Harry in a theatre where a ballet company are rehearsing, meaning we have a really famous piece of classical music soundtracking this scene but I can't for the life of me remember the bloody name of it.

Anyway - Harry is telling Elena that someone has been posing as him, sending her messages. She says whoever it was knows everything about her and Harry, and that they were asking questions about the partnership between the UK and Russia. She told them everything she knew because she thought she was talking to Harry. BW and Sasha are both at the theatre - BW leaves after seeing Elena with Harry, and Sasha runs after him, asking if he's called it in yet, which he says he has. Sasha thinks he's talking a load of balls, though, cos BW is ascared of Sasha's da. They then have quite the bust-up in the corridor of the theatre, intercut with the ballerinas dancing and the music getting rather loud. More tension!

Elena tells Harry that Sasha knows about her being a spy, which Harry already knows of course. He asks her what sort of a person Sasha is, to which she replies 'he's like you, in many ways'. Cut to Sasha killing Beardy Weirdy. Lol.

Harry thinks he knows who it is that's impersonating him. Elena says that although she regrets many things, having Harry's son isn't one of them. Ugh, angst. As he's leaving the theatre, Harry gets a call from Sasha to come to the backstage corridor, where he's just standing around with Beardy Weirdy's dead body on the ground. Dude, wouldn't you at least find a cupboard or something? FFS, like. Sasha blames BW's death on Harry, because he had seen Harry and Elena together and Sasha had to stop him. Sasha still doesn't believe that someone has been posing as Harry, but he needs Harry to help him get rid of the body and cover it up.

I know how you feel, buddy.

Harry arrives back at the grid, and Ruth follows him into his office to ask if he saw Elena. Harry tells Ruth he needs her to investigate his CIA friend Jim Coaver, who he believes to be the Fake Harry. Ruth is still pissed that Harry won't talk about the whole thing with Elena and Sasha. He says there's nothing to be done, 'I've tried'. He says he needs her, she's the only one he can tell about this to find out who's been impersonating him. She says she doesn't mind being dependable Ruth as long as he's telling her the truth. But then she knows she'll never get a straight answer to that anyway, so she goes off to do his bidding, while Harry looks like he doesn't know whether to vomit or cry.

Dear Calum...

Dimitri and Tariq decide to send the hackers something irresistible to try to find them. 'Uh-oh', says Calum, 'the Admiral's got a plan'. DOUCHE. So the section make up a whole load of crap about black ops, rendition and what not to send to the hackers. Ruth is worried that it'll make things worse but it's too late as they're taking the bait. Except that the hackers are doing a pretty good job of hiding their IP address. Until Tariq realises he can activate their web cam and get a pic of the person doing the hacking - who turns out to be a former MI5 agent gone dirty, Victor Elliot.

Harry goes off to find Elliot's office and take Erin with him. He gets there just as Elliot is leaving his office with the stolen laptop. Elliot says that he didn't steal the laptop, it was delivered to him by a 'benefactor'. He insists that he didn't go dirty, that the operation in Iraq (which he was canned for) was clean, and that he was set up to give a job to a company with connections to a high-ranking woman within the British intelligence community. I'm not sure at this point if we're meant to know who that is.

Harry is all 'whatever bitch' and tells him that he has to tell the world that it was all lies, and that the people outed as assets never had anything to do with MI5. Elliot is all 'bitch no', but they point out that it's his only hope to avoid prison, so he does it. Lame-dash-o. They still don't know who nicked the laptop in the first place. Harry is on the phoen to Ruth and asks her how she's getting on with investigating Coaver - she says she needs more to go on, but he just says 'I have faith in you' and hangs up. Harry, now you're acting like a douche. STOP IT. Ruth is looking through Coaver's file, then turns to another personnel file - Harry's. Dun dun duuuuuuunnn!!

Harry tells Erin that he believe's Elliot's story about Iraq, but that they'll sit on it for now. At which point Gavrik pulls up in a limo beside them and asks about Martha. He tells Harry to tie up the loose ends, which basically means get rid of Martha. Erin therefore goes back to the safehouse, but Martha isn't there. She calls in to have them search for her, but Martha comes in behind her - she had gone back for the USB stick. Erin explains that Martha can't go back to her old life, because the Russians still suspect her, and gives her money to go on the run. Martha gets pissed at her for not giving her any protection when she's spying for them for years and for lying to her. Poor Martha is left distraught as Erin walks out on her. Although she isn't cold about it, to be fair to her.

It's night, and Harry meets Coaver on the south bank opposite Westminster. Harry asks Coaver for help identifying the laptop thieves, but Coaver tells him that intelligence sharing between the US and UK is 'under review' because of the partnership with Russia.

I will continue to use this pic for references to CIA man Coaver. Because it is teh awesumz.

 

Back at the grid, Tariq is still trying to find out who stole the laptop by running face recognition on a bunch of computers. On his way home to continue searching from there, Calum finds a sarky way to ask if he wants to go for a drink, and Tariq sarks back in a way that suggests they're all mates now. Pity. I preferred it when Calum was a douche. I don't want to have to get to like him or anything. Though his face makes that fairly unlikely, so I think I'm good for now.

Erin is upset about burning Martha, and Harry gives her a pep talk about sacrificing others. Calum walks through the office, and Harry seems to look at him oddly through his window. It's a bit weird, but I can't tell if it was just a weird directing choice or not. Erin talks some shit about having a normal family life, whatever, I don't care. I guess her whole thing is going to be about how hard she is, and if she can really be cold and detached enough. Although you'd honestly think that would've been taken care of long before she rose to this position within MI5, but whatevs.

More qualified than Erin.

We see Tariq arrive home and set up a secure connection to Thames House to continue searching. Sasha is in BW's hotel room, clearing everything out as he's making it look like BW did a runner. Tariq is getting sleepy but he finds something on the CCTV footage - the handoff of the laptop from the hoods who mugged Calum to someone else, and another handover to someone else. Tariq makes a hurried call to Harry but there's a breach in his security and he realises that there's a bug in his router (which is the same as mine, fyi). He strips his phone, grabs the bug and runs out of his flat.

Harry gets a call that Tariq was trying to make an emergency contact to him, and Harry sends a team out to his house. But as Tariq is trying to make his way into Thames House, he bumps into someone, then winces in pain a few moments later in the taxi - it seems he's been injected with something. OH SHIT THEY BETTER NOT KILL TARIQ!!!!

Sasha, meanwhile, is dumping BW's stuff and car, but I could give a shit about that. Tariq stumbles out of the taxi at Thames House, struggling to breathe and falls to the ground. Calum is just leaving and finds him. Oh shit, he is gonna die, isn't he? After that speech he made to Calum earlier about how hard he had to work to get taken seriously and everything and them making up. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. STOP KILLING OFF THE GOOD ONES!! Calum starts doing CPR but it's in vain. Tariq is taty bread.*sniff*

FUCK THAT SHIT. Srsly, I'm well pissed right now. They couldn't keep him alive more than two episodes? FFS. BASTARDS. I'm pure raging. There's some shit about what happens next week, but who the hell cares.

Some more stuff

I probably should just go back on Twitter, but until I do, here are some more random thoughts for today.

Once again, soup is still teh awesomz.

I really wish our German teacher at school had taught us the words to 99 Luftballons. Would've come in handier than 'Where is the swimming pool?'. Not that I can even remember how to say that, mind.

The digital reading system in my work keeps reading Stereophonics as Stereophonies. This amuses me no end.

Apparently it's the 50th anniversary this year of Catch-22. Moving away from the fact that I'm terrified that anything in the 60s was 50 years ago (although once my siblings get to that age I'll be laughing my ass off), I really should read it again. It's probably my favourite book - I decided to design and write my own piece of coursework for English A Level back in the day instead of the set assignment, and I ended up writing an essay on Catch-22 and how it was influenced by the social and political goings on of the day. It probably seems unbelievably obvious now, but I was rather proud of myself for coming up with that topic, and writing all about McCarthyism and that (I love Cold War-era history). Did pretty well on it too. I can still remember sitting in the library giggling far too much at the book and getting weird looks from the people around me. Apparently the idea of chuckling at a piece of literature was alien to them all.

No matter how much I try, I can never manage to learn all the lyrics to rap songs. My flow is absolutely shocking, frankly.

I wonder if more chair dancing would tone up my butt a bit? Does anyone know how to turn chair dancing into a cardio workout that no one else in the office would really notice? I honestly think I'd be at least one dress size smaller if I went out dancing more. Mostly because I dance like an epileptic windmill.

It is 33 minutes to official hometime. I was going to try to stay to finish off something, but I'm literally aquiver with the excitement of getting the hell out of here, so 33 minutes to go!

I was considering trying to write a novel in lolspeak for NaNoWriMo, but I realised that would probably make it more difficult to make the word count. Plus I'm not sure if it's technically a novel if you include pictures of cats every 3 paragraphs.

Some stuff.

Here are a collection of random thoughts I've had/been having the last few days.

I seriously need to do something about my inability to sleep when I'm supposed to, and my ability to sleep when I'm not supposed to. Can't get to sleep at night no matter what, can't get out of bed in the morning no matter what.

I'm increasingly feeling simultaneously more like a grown up, and like I have no idea what I'm doing in life. I don't particularly like either of these things.

The thing I hate about having an office with windows is that I can't hitch my tights up when I feel like it without giving someone an eyeful.

Soup is awesome.

Skin complaints are not.

New shoes ordered online will always manage to arrive just after you really needed them.

Explosive nosebleeds all over your desk and pretty new dress are inconvenient, at best.

I have really mental dreams, but can never remember them properly. Especially because these days I seem to have lots of mental dreams each night. Last night/this morning, for instance I had some sort of dream involving my family, a caravan, a plotline from EastEnders, someone who was famous I think but I can't remember who, a lake and Chewbacca. Yes, Chewbacca. From Star Wars. I feel like it'd make a great story if only I could remember it....

It is completely impossible to skip past Your Ex-Lover Is Dead, no matter how many times you've heard it recently.

I really want to have a Christmas party, but having most of my friends in different countries atm makes this somewhat difficult. I shall still run around the house decorating, singing Christmas songs and wearing a Santa hat nonetheless.

Speaking of which, I'm ridiculously obsessed with Christmas. Whilst I don't want it to come too soon, because I don't want to get bored of it and I also need more saving time for the enormous amount of gift shopping I have to do, I kinda can't wait for it. Halloween holds little appeal for me anymore as I don't seem to know anyone these days who bothers dressing up or going out for it, so I'm all about Christmas. The lights, the snow (if we get it), the Christmas sweaters (of which I have many), the songs, the decorations, the sense of excitement in the air - I bloody love all of it. I want to decorate my house, and bake cookies, and find awesome gifts for people, and make shoddy cards, and stay up all Christmas Eve breaking my back wrapping presents so they look amazing. Even if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good at gift wrapping. I've always said I should set up some sort of Christmas-related business over December, decorating and wrapping presents and things. But then again, I have enough of that to do just for my immediate family so I have no idea how I'd have time to do it for anyone else! Maybe when I win the lottery I'll be like a female Santa or something.

The playlists I make on Spotify are almost too awesome to be listened to at work - it's very hard not to sing/air guitar/dance along. VERY hard.

I just had a flashback to an episode of EastEnders from the other day where Ian Beale tried to dance to Huey Lewis and the News. It was disturbing. As was the flashback.

Dance Yrself Clean continues to be an incredible tune. 

Getting 69.3% on a course is extremely infuriating.

Thinking of the perfect present for someone, then finding you can only buy it overseas but they won't ship it to you, is also infuriating.

Beans on toast becomes unappetising after the fourth such dish in a week.

There, I think that's enough randomness for one post.

X Factor - Results - The Live Blog!

Right, I'm multi-tasking like a boss this evening - out of the shower, hair washed, changing the bedsheets, sorting through drawers to chuck out old clothes AND live blogging (well, live +1 hour) the X Factor Results show. Therefore this might be a bit more concise than normal. You're welcome.

So, first of all we had no group performance tonight - I wonder how come that is? Are they not gonna do it every week this year? Also, when the judges came out, Tulisa was wearing a long sleeved dress, which meant no tattoo showing off thing. Which obviously means she read my blog last night. Obviously.

Kelly Clarkson is singing a song about how You Don't Know A Thing About Me. I think Janet, Sophie and Kitty are probably fighting about who gets to sing this one next week. I also have to say that Kelly looks very well - a lot better than a lot of the pics you tend to see of her in magazines.

Yet another recap now and reminders of the voting numbers. They showed some of the bitching about Misha B by Tulisa, which I still say was well out of order. She went on about how it's a competition and she has to be honest, but why the hell did she have to bring it up there? If there's an issue backstage then talk about it backstage, you don't need to bring up that shit on live tv like that. If Misha ends up in the last two, there'll be hell to pay.

Professor Green gives a pretty good performance - it's a bit odd watching something as 'real' (for want of a better word) as that on the X Factor. Doesn't seem right, somehow. 

Louis actually apologises for using the word bully about Misha, says it was just in the heat of the moment, blah blah, but he apologises with the sort of smile on his face that suggests he doesn't really give a shit. Tulisa seems like she's been told to STFU but is still pissed about it - when asked who stole the show last night she says "based on purely the performance, Misha" - WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU BE BASING IT ON YOU SILLY BITCH?! I actually kinda liked Tulisa before this, but she just comes off like a conniving witch now.

Bruno Mars is on now. I have no idea what this song is and it's hard to hear him over the band but I'm pretty happy with that set of events. I could swallow a dictionary, a thesaurus and urbandictionary.com and still not have the words to describe how much I hate that little scrote. I hate his face, I hate his voice, I hate his songs, I hate his stupid smug smile, I hate his crappy lyrics, I hate his enormous sense of self satisfaction, I hate his hair.

To quote the inimitable Mel Horowitz (father of Cher, natch) "What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?" Man, I love Clueless. 

Anyway, it's another ad break now and then....the results!!! I am, like, sooo totes excite.

Oh for the love of all that is good and holy, that girl from Rhythmix is wearing cropped hammer pants AGAIN. Who is doing this to her?!

Just say no, kids. Just say no.

Ok, first through is Marcus. Whatever, that's hardly a shock. Next through is Misha B - cut immediately to Tulisa, who looks like she's just vomited in her mouth. Johnny is through next and he's hilariously delighted. Even Gary looks happy for him. Oh, and Kitty isn't wearing any pants AGAIN. FFS. Rhythmix are through, so I guess someone out there likes the hammer pants. Janet is through next, again hardly surprising. Craig gets through, leaving Gary with Frankie, Louis with Sami and Kitty, Kelly with Sophie and Tulisa with The Risk. Sophie gets through next, so all Kelly's acts are safe.

Frankie is through next which I could vomit about. He jumps around and shouts a lot. No one else looks very happy, other than Gary. So it's Sami vs Kitty vs The Risk - and The Risk go through. This is desperately unfair to have Kitty and Sami against each other, and it's all Louis' fault. I think he'll vote for Kitty - the fact that he didn't put Sami through to live finals in the first place makes it fairly clear that he doesn't see much potential in her, no matter what he's been saying the last few Saturday nights.

That ad that Natalie Portman does for Dior is on. I desperately would like to be Natalie Portman. Who doesn't, though, amiright? Or Zooey Deschanel. I'd settle for being Zooey.

This Next ad for their next day delivery irritates me. I know that they're advertising the new delivery option rather than the actual clothes, but since they are, in fact, a clothes shop I still think it might have been a good idea to show some clothes, y'know? There's exactly 3 extremely generic outfits in the ad - if I wasn't a customer (and as it happens, I'm not) it wouldn't make me think about wanting to order anything from them, regardless of if they could magic it straight into my wardrobe.

But anyway, we're back and Sami is up first. I think she knows she's going home. She's gone full Cruise Shippy with her performance - it's got all those diva tics and hand movements that you'd expect. She's doing You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, but to be honest, it's a bit lacking - it's an amazing soul song, and she's got the pipes and is giving it her all, but she's not connecting with it enough. I've also realised that she reminds me of an absolutely horrific ex-boss of mine, and for that reason alone I'd kinda like her gone. That's the sort of thing that could honestly give me nightmares.

But then again, that would mean keeping Kitty and her pant-less-ness. She's doing Edge of Glory, which I think she did at some point during auditions or boot camp or something? Definitely seen her do it before. She's doing a fairly sedate and slow-rock version to really show off her voice. I think she's hoping to distract us from the fact that she's stood there in her undies and a tuxedo jacket. She has a great voice, you really can't deny that, but there's just something too off with her. She's trying to be Gaga-esque, but she can't pull it off. And even Gaga isn't doing Gaga all that well anymore.

Some advice for Kitty.

So, to the judges and Gary blethers for a while about how great they both are, before making a decision. He tells Sami that her voice is great but she's a bit dated, and that he's excited about Kitty, so obviously he sends Sami home. She's unsurprised and looks like she could stab him in the neck with her shoe. Kelly then tries to give them a motivational speech about the power of singing and stuff, and ends up sending home Sami, who looks like she's a nano second away from running off stage cos she knows she's going home. Tulisa says she has to go with her heart, and sends home Kitty. Louis now has to vote for one of his acts - a vote to send Kitty home brings it to deadlock, and a vote for Sami sends her straight home. Louis goes on about how people aren't connecting to Kitty and he doesn't know whether to go with his head or his heart. Tulisa can just about be heard saying to go with his heart - which he does, and he sends home Sami. Kitty of course immediately breaks down and they practically have to force her off with a forklift.

Sami manages to smile through her best bits video, god love her. She says that even if she doesn't sell a million albums like Gary said, she will sing the rest of her life, which gets enormous cheers. When Dermot asks Louis how he feels about voting off one of his acts, Louis gets roundly booed and Sami doesn't look too happy with him either. I don't blame her - it was entirely his fault, he hasn't a fucking clue what he's doing.

But that's it for this week, thank jeebus, so I'm off to watch Downton Abbey next. Till next week and the Halloween special! I dread to think what that's gonna be like....

More of this, one can only presume.

X Factor - The Live Blog

Another Saturday night, another X Factor live show. The fact that this might be the highlight of my week is making me very sad face. Very sad face indeed.

Apparently it's rock night this week. Oh lord. Expect a lot of devil horns, and a whole lot more cringing.

The judges come out to Jump by Van Halen. I feel like there's a pun to be made somewhere in there, but I can't be doing all the work here folks. I'm also getting well sick of Tulisa's arm/tattoo thing she does when she comes out each week. She's so obviously trying to copy Cheryl Cole with a signature move, it's a bit rare, frankly.

First up is Marcus, who's telling the sob story of his single mother. Wouldn't be X Factor if there wasn't a sob story. He's doing Are You Gonna Go My Way. It's...I dunno what it is. He's not the most natural rock performer in the world, being only slightly less camp than Johnny. He's trying to stick as many 'ow!'s and such into his performance but it's a bit flat for my liking. I'm just not really buying what he's selling.

Louis is all over it though, gives him 10 out of 10. Tulisa says he blew her away. I have no idea what they were watching. Kelly says he made the stage his, she'd been worried about his ability to do that but he definitely did it tonight. Gary stands up and says 'that's how to open a show'. SRSLY, I could've had a nap during that, what are these people on?!

Janet is next. Glad they're getting her out of the way soon cos she annoys me more and more each week. Her accent is utterly, utterly fabricated - thon's not a Tyrone accent, I tell yous that and I'll tell ye no more. In the VT beforehand, they show her talking to journalists where they go on about how no one is writing about her, and to be fair to her, she fairly stood up to them and said she was there to sing and she wasn't going to pretend to be someone she's not. Showed a fair amount of backbone for a 16 year old, so I have to at least give her props for that.

She's doing Sweet Child of Mine, which I believe I called (in my head, should really have written it down) weeks ago. It's all harps and shit - hardly rock, like. She is moving around a bit more than we've seen from her so far. But honestly, Dolores O'Riordan needs to take out a copyright suit against her or something for all those vocal ticks she's nicked straight off of her.

So let's see what the judges have to say? Louis loved the arrangement, says it's all about one thing with her - the voice - and he loved it. Tulisa says it wasn't rocky - THANK YOU - and that she thinks she's capable of an edgy, uptempo performance and wants to see that from her. Gary thinks it was beautiful and gorgeous, gives her credit for 'leaving the mic stand' (ffs, that's what they're giving credit for now?!). Kelly obviously loves her, and Janet herself said she wanted to put her own stamp on it. Her own stamp being not a million miles removed from an MOR version of a Cranberries stamp, but I'll shut up about that now.

And we have an ad break. I feel like this is rather far into the show to have an ad break, unless I passed out through one earlier. I'm also perplexed by the fact that I'm now watching the UTV feed of this on tvcatchup.com rather than the London one that I normally have. I didn't know they could do that. I don't know if I'm happy about that - I like avoiding the regional shite that UTV mistake for 'local colour'. If Frank Mitchell appears on my television/laptop at any point this evening I will not be responsible for my actions. You have all been warned. Hmph.

And now I'm sitting through ads from the NI Fire Service and about Carnfunnock Country Park. During X FACTOR. Oh ffs, now it's an ad for Dunnes. Jesus wept.

As the ads are still going on, I will describe for you a terrible dilemma I'm currently going through. I desperately would like something nice for my dinner - some sort of wintery comfort food, like sausages and champ or something (which I do have in the fridge) - but I can't cook and blog at the same time. My commitment to the piss-taking of reality television continues unabated.

Right, we're back and it's one of Louis's acts up first - and just before Louis introduce Sami, Dermot headlocks Louis and gives him a noogie. Awesome.

Gary and Louis are clearly at loggerheads - there's a clip of them backstage from last week where Gary puts him well in his place. Hee. Apparently Louis has her doing a Cher song, which she wasn't too keen on. I'm with her and Gary on this one - Louis is a fucking liability.

She's doing If I Could Turn Back Time and trying to give her best rock stare/scowl down the camera, but she does look a wee bit mental when she does it. Louis is pure loving it, Gary has a face on him like a smacked arse. She's singing her wee heart out like, but it's a fucking ridiculous song choice. Even in the early 90s this would've been a ridiculous song choice. She doesn't look overly pleased once she's finished.

Tulisa says it was a bit karaoke because of the song, but she has the voice for it. Kelly loves her voice, says she entertained everyone, and looked like she enjoyed herself. Gary calls it 'totally boring'. And apparently someone is swearing at him down there. He's not pleased with that either, hee. He says the competition is about finding someone to sell albums and cds and that's not going to happen with that performance. The others think he's being a bit hard on her. Sami says she didn't really want to do that song, but she just wants people to vote for her. In the continuing war between Louis and Gary about song choices, Gary says that Louis takes bad acts and makes them worse. He has a point, but I think suggesting that Sami is a bad act to start with isn't fair.

Anyway, all that srs bsnss aside, it's Rhythmix up next. They're all talking about their bonding and the different personalities within the group. Apparently rock to them means devil horns, screaming whilst wearing too much eyeliner, and waving their hair around. They're doing Ke$ha, Tik Tok. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT ROCK?!!!! Oh lord, it's a mash up with Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa. I literally look like OMG cat right now. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

This is more rock than Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Louis of course goes on that it wasn't rock. Kelly thinks they're getting more pulled together but that they need to be better than every other girl band out there. She also calls Tulisa on it not being rock, and Gary challenges her on that as well. Apparently Tulisa thinks that putting a guitar riff on a song constitutes rock and they all get in a big bickerfest. It's kinda funny, cos they're right and Tulisa is wrong. Dermot has to try to calm them down but they literally just keep shouting over each other. It's well funny, and at least I wasn't the only one thinking WTF to the song choices.

After the break we have Sophie, so Imma gonna go pee. brb.

Back. I got crackers and cheese, and I'm good to go now. Bring it on. And by 'it', I refer to whatever hilariously pisspoor attempt at rock X Factor has for me next. FYI, if you really wanna see some rock, check out these guys:

But anyway. Sophie is next. Apparently she has to prove everyone wrong that she's not boring this week and to show off her personality. She's doing what seems to be a really slow version of Living On A Prayer. She's all decked out in leathers and what not, but I sense a crescendo in the wings. I'm wrong though, cos she doesn't really do much that different with the chorus. It's still really slow and acousticy. Thing is, her voice isn't so quiet that she couldn't have had a more rockier backing track to it. That was fairly boring, if you ask me.

Louis thinks it was great and Kelly should give her more attention. Tulisa says it was the one to make a ballad, so it was great and she doesn't need to worry about the personality thing. Gary says she's starting to make an emotional connection with the songs and it's great, and Kelly shouts a lot of nonsensical stuff in the direction of Louis.

Good grief, it's another break. I think they must've overrun in the last segment with all the judges bitching or something.

We're back and it's Craig next. He's talking some stuff about it being tough becoming close to people who are your competition, some stuff about his family, blah blah whatever. Gary has him doing an Oasis song. SNOOZEFEST. Even worse, it's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Once again, I think it could've benefited from a better arrangement - one a wee bit rockier and a lot less MOR/fake string section-y. Plus, for someone so cheery and smiley all the time, when he performs he's always scowling like he's got a palsy in his lip or something.

Louis thinks he was great, Tulisa says it was great and everything, but she doesn't see how it was rock - it didn't have the energy and vibe of rock. Kelly says it's about the roots of the song and he was back in his zone, Gary says he was able to relax when Craig comes out because he's in so much control. Whatever, I still say it wasn't rock and it was boring.

Well. Kitty is next, and this should at least be anything but boring. I'm expecting pyrotechnics, air guitar, the whole bit. So she's doing Live and Let Die, which is a good choice for her. She starts off at a piano. Whether or not she's actually playing I don't know. She's got her hair up in an incredibly high pony tail and is in some sort of cat suit? Her voice is a wee bit all over though. It didn't start out too well, she's better in the louder bits. Also during the riffy bits she looks like she doesn't know what she's meant to be doing, she just sort of struts awkwardly around. The judges look like they can't tell what to make of it (other than Louis who is, naturally, loving it). There;s lots of fire, as predicted, but it still feels for me like it was missing something. Just something there that didn't quite work. She always seems to come off that way for me.

This is kinda what she looked like. It's a rockin kitty, see? See what I did there?

Tulisa agrees that it was at least rock, so there's that. She says Kitty nails it every week and did again. Kelly agrees with me that there's just a little something that's not quite working at times but she's good. Gary loves her, which is...surprising, to say the least. He says she's the only one trying to say something through their music, and he's all in. I don't know what's going on anymore. Is it still Saturday? Am I awake? Or am I still in that weird dream about Doctor Who I was having earlier on? This Sims 3 Pets ad isn't helping to make that any clearer.

Anyone wanna bring me a diet coke? Hmm? There's still another 45 minutes of this to go and I'm nt honestly sure I'll make it.

Especially not with Frankie being up next. Apparently his confidence is knocked so he needs to go out and get drunk and pull 'a few cheeky sorts'. God I hate this kid. I hope he gets his ass handed to him tomorrow night. They've got this whole VT thing playing on screen - the behind the scenes rockumentary thing where they follow him as he goes out on stage. Ugh. HATE. He's doing Rocks Off as well. I like this song. Piss off you wee twunt. In fairness, it does sort of suit him, especially the whole staging of everything, where he's leering at the girls on stage and pushing cameras away and that. Problem is he's just a pretender. He thinks he can run around acting like Pete Doherty and he'll make it, but he's just a fucking twat. I seriously hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE. He's just a haircut and a tight pair of jeans who got lucky.

Louis says he's glad he saved him, but he's over-confident and not as good as he thinks he is. Tulisa thinks they've lost the real Frankie and wants to see his heart - she accuses Gary of trying to make Frankie into the person he wishes he was when he was young. Gary has a very WTF reaction. Kelly says she believes all the swagger but he needs to work a lot harder vocally. Gary says he lied for him last week and told him his performance was good but it was shit and he deserved to be in the bottom two. Oooh, TRUTH BOMB!!!! He says this was a good come back, but not a great one though. I really, really hope he goes soon.

There is an advert on my tv that is scaring me. It's for some sort of meat paste thing that you use to make gravy, but the ad involves a cow manifesting out of a pot of gravy and dancing to I Like The Way You Move (or Mooooove, presumably?). There have been a lot of things on telly this evening making me doubt my sanity.

The Risk are next. Hurry up and put Misha on. Their VT is all about how much they love the ladies and the ladies love them, and about how shit their rehearsal was. Not shockingly, they aren't doing a rock song either - it's Crazy by Gnarls Barkley with a bit of a riff thrown over it in production. Even if Tulisa thinks this week is all about the energy and vibe of rock, this is definitely not that. And their voices are a bit wobbly on some of the harmonies, which was the problem they seemed to be having in dress.

Louis loves them, even though it wasn't hard rock. He tells Charlie he's his favourite singer - run for the hills, lad, run. Apparently one of the lads has glandular fever and laryngitis, boo hoo, whatever. Kelly likes them and high fives Tulisa, but they need to smooth out their vocals a bit more. Gary was worried for them after their rehearsal but they pulled it together. Tulisa says she isn't going to make excuses for them, then makes excuses for them. Whatever, I could honestly care less about this. I WANT MISHA. HURRY UP. I AM OUT OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

But I have to wait another while cos Johnny is next. Johnny thinks Gary is fighting his inner feelings for him, bless. He knows that his time is running out, and is a bit worried about being a circus act. He's also worried about rock week, which is hardly surprising. They have him doing A Thing Called Love. He comes down on a huge platform, and at least isn't in stupid costume. His voice works very well with the falsetto parts of the song, but I'm not convinced entirely. I think we also missed something there - the camera cut to Gary laughing his pants off at something, but we don't know what. Johnny does seem to be very nervous god love him, but he's doing ok. He comes down around the judges at one point and sings directly at Gary, which did make me giggle. A bit off in places, but better than his other performances I think.

Tulisa can hardly be hard over the screaming crowd, says he smashed it. Kelly says she doesn't know if she can see him selling records but she knows 'fer durn sure' she loves watching him. When it's Gary's turn to speak, he gets a few boos, but then he says that he really enjoyed it and that he was the only person who could've sung that song. Louis babbles some load of crap but no one cares cos the crowd is going mental for Johnny. Johnny is delighted at the reaction, Gary asks him if he got his shiny suit from Argos (cue Argos pulling their ads from X Factor slots in a huff), and Johnny rebuffs that no, he got it from Gary's wardrobe. I think the Johnny and Gary Show might be the best thing about X Factor this year.

Misha B is next, finally. She's doing Purple Rain. The staging is relatively sedate for her, letting her just sing the hell out of the song, which is she doing and then some. There's not a lot you can say about that performance, other than that she nailed it. Louis tells her she's got an amazing voice, he hopes she isn't over-confident, to which the whole audience boos. Tulisa then brings up some crap about her being too feisty off stage, which Gary slaps down. He says they're looking for someone to sell albums and she's right in front of them. She has talent and vision. Kelly and Louis start getting into bitch fights about whatever has been going on back stage, and it's all incredibly petty and clearly intended to knock her down a peg or two and make people think twice about voting for her because she's clearly the front runner.

Well, that ended things on a fairly nasty and unseemly note. Whatever, I just want my dinner at this point. To tomorrow night and the results!

And another thing...

Why is it so hard to keep beans on toast warm? Does anyone else have this problem? One portion of beans requires two rounds of bread, that's a given. By the time you've eaten the first round, though, both the remaining toast and the beans are now lukewarm at best.

Is there any way to correct this horrible, horrible tragedy of our times? Answers on a postcard plz.

Ranty McRanterson

I feel like a good rant today. Trouble is, there are so many things to rant about that I can't seem to pick a topic.

Cos everything is stupid. The bus company here is stupid. They faffed around with the timetable which means that if I miss the one bus, I have to walk a good 15 mins to the bus stop for the next bus (they alternate routes every half hour - end up getting me to the same place but get there a different way, one of which is 2 mins from me, one of which is at least 15). This means I end up having to get taxis to work a lot, because I'm apparently incapable of dragging my ass out of bed in time. This means that I haz no monies for noms. Beans on toast for the next two weeks it is! Woo!

There's a book about "The story of baked beans"? Seriously?! And I'm not a paid writer how, exactly? Sheesh.

Next, I am annoyed that there are too many things that I need to do in work that rely on another person to do things for me first, and that person is super busy so I have to sit around waiting a lot. Can't be helped, but it's infuriating and wasting my time.

Hmm, what next? The economy, I guess. Why not, eh? The economy is basically fucked. As are all of us. Screwed with our pants on, as Toby Ziegler would say. Inflation went up again today, the cost of living is going up and up and up because of massive increases in gas and electricity prices (from companies who, by the way, are currently making a veeeery comfortable profit). Fuel and oil prices are just getting to stupid numbers by now, I'm looking at a packet of cream crackers and cheese and thinking "Mmmm, dinner for a week!" and I'm not even that badly off compared to some people. But the government seems content to sit back and make empty gestures about it all. They don't have the first fucking clue what it is like to not know how you're going to pay your next mortgage or rent payment. How you're going to feed yourself, how you're going to pay for heating. There are people all over the country - families with kids, old people - who have to choose between food and heating. They can't have both. My own parents are having a pretty hard time of it - when they run out of diesel for the car, they can't just go and get more, they have to wait for their next pension payment to come in and see if they can afford it. When they run out of oil, they have to scrape together some money to buy coal to use the fire for heating instead, because filling up the oil tank costs too much. And neither myself nor my brother are in much of a position to help them, because everyone is finding it tough. And that's before you even start thinking about Christmas. But sure, so long as Cameron and that stupid pasty faced mouth breather Osborne are living the life of luxury, what the hell should they care? How about they swap lives with my parents for a week or two, see how it feels? Fucking Tory bastards.

I'm also annoyed at my skin. Or more generally, my body. I know it's quite possibly all my own fault, since I'm far from the healthiest of people, but it's just been conspiring against me of late. I had a couple of infections requiring antibiotics over the summer, a cold that hit at the absolute worst time and lingered for a lot longer than was polite, quite frankly, and now my skin is fucking about. I have some sort of dermatitis for which I'm on yet more antibiotics, it's refusing to clear up and apparently putting anything on it is likely to make it worse. And I have a job interview tomorrow. Brilliant(!) I look like some sort of semi-diseased leper or something. That'll make a cracking first impression.

Let's see, what else am I annoyed about/by? Mary Portas, my constant urge to shop, my inability to stop biting at my lips, Coldplay, commercial radio, inaccurate weather forecasts, how disappointing Sainsbury's own brand caramel chocolate biscuity things are, my compulsion for checking my phone every 3 minutes despite the fact that it's sat beside me and I'd see and hear if it went off (and it never does *sad face*), how my hair won't behave itself, my lack of having a butler, my laziness, the constant sense of surprise that my boss has when I'm behind on my work, despite my doing the job of at least 2 people, the delay in getting my new shoes that I ordered online that I wanted to wear to my interview tomorrow.

Ok, I think that'll do for now. No doubt I'll think of more things to rant about later.

X Factor - The Results!

Ok, it's the first X Factor results show where your votes actually matter! Lol, like this is really a democracy and not entirely stage managed. So, first of all we have the mimed group performance (that Hello dance track - I honestly can't be arsed looking up the proper name or the artist) which seems to be weirdly out of sync - not sure if that's the broadcast, or if something odd was happening in the studio, but everyone was a half second off cue.

And now we have to sit through the recaps of last night. Which is only worth it for the cat fighting between Louis and Kelly.

Side note for anyone who's interested - my 67-year-old, not remotely cool, hip or with it mother likes Rhythmix. The apocalypse may be upon us, folks.

Recaps are done, and if anyone is still awake The Wanted are sure to sort that little problem out. At this point, I'd like to point out that my commitment to this live blogging business and my getting home a bit late from Sunday dinner means that I'm watching this on +1. I could be watching Downton Abbey live, folks - this is what I'm sacrificing for you. So there.

I never remember who The Wanted are. I know they're one of those generic bland boybands, but beyond that I'm lost. Couldn't name you one of their songs for love nor money (despite probably having heard them a million times before), and I'm not 100% sure that I'm still conscious through this performance. There's a lot of poles on stage and an at times slightly inappropriate VT in the background, and a lot of girls screaming in the audience. And they look like they might have a two digit IQ between the five of them. Now they're joined by some girl dancers, many of whom look like they accidentally left the house in their undies. But there's a fire on stage now, so I can see how that sort of thing might happen.

Ooh, Dermot just gave us the Five Minute Warning before lines close. Hold me, The Internets, I'm excited! Lol, jk, no I'm not.

There's a break on now. Which means time for crisps for me. Y'know, I think I have to go out on a limb here and proclaim Hunky Dorys to be my favourite ridged/crinkle cut crisps. They aren't too heavy, they've got a great crunch to them and the flavour is spot on. Definitely better than McCoys, I've gone off them big time. I think having a vending machine in a building I worked in for 3 years constantly stocked with McCoys might be responsible for that - slight overkill. Ditto Tayto's Spirals. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still eat them if you put them in front of me, just saying they aren't a favourite anymore. My crisp-pleasure has been somewhat nullified by the appearance of Jeremy Kyle on my television. Why is that man? Srsly, just why?

Lines are now closed, votes may still be cast but will not be counted and you will still be charged, blah blah blah. Gary's not worried despite all the judges having a go at his song choices; Tulisa is appealing for people to actually vote; Kelly is nervous and so is Louis. Whatever, Katy Perry is on now. I'm so divided over her. I hate and loathe many things about her (too numerous and long to get into now) and I think she increasingly sounds like she's constipated when she sings, but some of her songs have been right crackers, you can't deny that. I properly love Last Friday Night (the dorky 80s vid might have something to do with that).

Anyway - she's got her pink hair again, and is playing an acoustic guitar. This is a bit...sedate and sincere for her. She's even properly clothed - and she sounds properly in tune too. That didn't happen last time I saw her on X Factor, that's for sure. Her song is about the one that got away and it's well depressing me. Results show live performances are meant to be all about the spectacle - didn't she get the memo? Way to harsh my crisps buzz, Katy. Hmph. Dermot's chatting to her about her UK tour, where Gary suggests a Liverpool nightclub for her to go to. This bit is always awkward and weird.

Sigh, it's another break. Chocolate time, this time.

Right, we're back and the contestants are all coming out to stand on stage, look nervous and hold each other's sweaty, sweaty hands. Kitty seems to have forgotten her trousers, and Frankie's trousers are so tight that they genuinely look like he can't sit down in them.

First through - The Risk. Then Janet. So far, so boring. Craig is through next, then Johnny (which I'm very glad for, I just hope Louis stops clowning him up), then Misha B. Phew. Kitty looks a bit like either she's eaten something she's allergic to or she's injected her entire face with a bucketful of collagen to perpetuate the myth that she's 26. Sami is through next, good. Then Rhythmix. Which is ok, I guess. They def aren't bad or anything, I just can't get that excited about them. Sophie goes through next - that means all of Kelly's acts are through, Tulisa and Louis are left with one act, and Gary with two. Kitty goes through next. To a few boos, I think. And rightly so, she's just too mental and off-putting. This leaves Nu Vibe, Frankie and Marcus. And this is when my internet stream decides to fuck about with me. Through the buffering, it looks like Nu Vibe are up against Frankie for the final. GOOD. They're both well shit. Nu Vibe are clearly going home, though. But it's nice to see that despite all the screaming girls for Frankie and his STUPID, STUPID, STUPID hair, no one likes him.

Seriously, this is basically what Frankie's hair looks like.

Virgin Media, with this buffering (which I keep initially typing as buggering. Ooh err missus, etc etc) you are really killing me. I've also finished my snacks at this point and am very sad face about it. I've got the makings of plenty of chicken sandwiches in the kitchen but that involves a) getting up and b) actually making the sandwiches. This is one of many occasions where a butler would come in well handy. Not to mention in helping me hide my secret identity so that I can fight crime in Gotham City.

X Factory (genuine typo but I'm keeping it cos lol) is back, from what I can gather through the .....Buffering ITV+1. Grrrr indeed. I feel like I'm in one of those adverts for broadband on tv. No idea what crappy song Nu Vibe just sang but it was dull anyway. Gary looks well pissed at Frankie being in the final. I think Gary might get a few surprises along the way about what appeals to the morons voting at home for this show, and what doesn't. Frankie is singing a song. He has this incredible talent of making it sound like every other song he's ever sung. Cos his voice is so generic, bland, boring and unremarkable. I think Gary's just been mesmerised by his tight, tight trousers and his stupid, stupid hair.

Votes now, and Gary is still going on about how much he can't believe Frankie is singing for survival. Get over it, love. He sends home Nu Vibe, obvs. Kelly looks pained and keeps 'umming' and eventually votes to send home Nu Vibe. Tulisa obvs votes for Frankie, leaving it to Louis to either send Nu Vibe home or go to deadlock. Louis milks it for all it's worth and eventually sends home Nu Vibe. Frankie, his hair and his impossibly tight trousers live to fight another day.

Buh-bye then.

Nu Vibe's best bits reel is dull as ditchwater. Tulisa is gutted, doesn't know what went wrong, etc etc. Results show is always such an anti-climax, isn't it? Just once I'd like someone to drop to the floor, lie there prostrate flailing their limbs everywhere and refusing to leave the stage till the security have to come on. A little bit of Jerry Springer wouldn't hurt anyone, is what I'm saying. And that reminds me of this scene from The West Wing:

X FACTOR...THE...LIVE....BLOG!!!!!

My favourite result from a google image search for X Factor 2011

Totally forgot I had said I was going to live blog The X Factor this week, so I'm a tad late. Whoopsie.

Just managed to catch the last half of Nu Vibe's dance rendition of With Or Without you - which sounded exactly like you'd imagine it would. Which is to say, shit. And honestly, is there anyone in the world who doesn't think that Nu Vibe just sounds like a sex toy? C'MON, TULISA [/Gob].  Tulisa (obvs) and Kelly loved it, Louis and Gary think they're crap. I feel dirty agreeing with Louis, but there you have it.

First ad break and there's a shortened version of that Yeo Valley boy band ad, which is honestly funnier and more entertaining than anything in the show. And the bloke with the longer hair is really familiar looking but I can't place him.

Anyway - apparently it's Classic Love Ballads week, and Sami is up next for Louis. She seems like a nice, bubbly person, very confident, role model for overweight people, blah blah blah, but she needs to stop saying 'sweetheart' in that mid-Atlantic accent all the time.

And she's doing I Will Always Love You. They could only have made this more obvious if they'd had her black up and do coke right there on stage. I mean, she's got a helluva voice on her, don't get me wrong, but this might be the most obvious song in the world for her to sing. Oh bloody hell, they've even got a choir for her, and a VT in the background of a load of candles. The only way for this to be more obvious is for Louis to come out right now.

Crowd is going wild, now for the judges reactions - Tulisa thinks she nailed it; Kelly wants to beat up the dude that ever broke Sami's heart (I have to say, I kinda love Kelly and all her American 'PUT IT DOOOOOWWWWWWN' stuff - it's fun at least); Gary loves her but thinks that was a bit cruise-shippy, and Louis calls on Wales to vote for her. OH WHAT A SURPRISE THAT IS KNOCK ME DOWN WITH A FEATHER. Sami rather hilariously hits back at Gary by saying that Jane McDonald is a cruise-ship singer and she loves her - I think she's not quite getting Gary's point there.

And it's another ad break. Lord bless us and save us.

There's an ad on for that cheesy rock musical Rock of Ages, but the fact that Justin Lee Collins is in it (along with another X Factor alumni Shayne Ward) is kinda making me wanna see it. I can't tell if that's because my ironic cheese sensor is on overload, or if I've actually lost my mind. Either way, I think it's a contender for the London Birthday Trip To End All Birthdays of February 2012.

And now there's a VO5 ad that seems to be set in Amish land and has a country/bluegrass version of Word Up in it. Hmmmm. It has reminded me that I need to wash my hair tonight. Yes, a Saturday night of X Factor live blogging and hair washing. DON'T BE TOO JEALOUS, PEOPLE.

Now it's Craig Colton up for Gary. That Jar of Hearts song seems to have been all over the radio since last week. I am a bit glad that he got through, he's not as much of an obvious popstar as the others in Gary's category are. He's doing that Beyonce song Best Thing You Never Had or whatever the hell it's called, with his by now trademark scowl/raised upper lip/possibly constipated look. I like that he's got this little swagger thing going on, but he has to be very careful for it not to become completely and utterly feckin ridiculous.

Oh, and he's got a choir too, though smaller than Sami's. Not sure if that's a metaphor for something? Louis thinks he's very brave for doing a Beyonce song, but it worked. Had he done it with a fake baby bump up his jumper, that would've been brave, Louis. He just sang a song ffs. Tulisa wasn't sure it'd work but thinks it did, and shows his versatility. Kelly thinks it wasn't the best song choice (lol) but says it was still a good performance. Gary, of course, backs him all the way. Dermot tells him he's looking fab on the Barlow diet, and Craig says in that hilarious Scouse accent 'that's what happens when you eat lettuce'. Aww, I do have a soft spot for him.

Janet is next - Kelly references her having had a tough week (her granda died), but that she'll wow everyone. In the VT Janet talks some load of shit about how she was an outsider at school (cue pic of her dressed like a hipster outside City Hall in Belfast, which is the epitome of not an outsider), and then cries a bit about her granda. Which even hard-hearted I won't take the piss out of.

She's doing I Can't Help Falling In Love With You. I would like her so much more if a) the whole shy thing didn't seem so bloody affected and b) if she could learn how to FUCKING PRONOUNCE WORDS. Also she's picked up a lot of vocal ticks from Dolores O'Riordan. I don't think this is her best performance so far - the bridge seemed a teensy wee bit out of tune for me, but I'm guessing everyone will love it anyway. And of course, she ends the song looking sad down at her feet.

Louis is going on about her Celtic Soul - I think he wants to take some sort of credit for her through the sheer coincidence of them both being Irish. Tulisa raves about the song being meant for her, and no one could possibly sing it like her, blah blah blah. Gary says she's a translator of songs because the audience feels every note as well as hears it (personally I need a BLOODY TRANSLATOR FOR THE FECKIN LYRICS OMG WOULD YOU LEARN TO ENUNCIATE WEE GIRL), and Kelly is all proud of her and throwing more Yankie Doodles about (g-father, this time). They don't try to get too much out of her, which shows a helluva lot more compassion and common sense that we've seen on the X Factor in the past, and there's yet. another. ad. break.

Also, I'm hungry. But my commitment to bringing all 3 of you hilarity that probably isn't even understood outside of the UK and Ireland means I'm here for the long haul. X Factor is an endurance sport, that's for sure.

That little bollix Frankie is on next. He had the blandest, most narcolepsy-inducing voice - literally all he has going for him is his swagger and his stupid, stupid, stupid hair. And he's going to sing a Coldplay song now. Oh for the love of God, Gary, could you not find something a bit more MOR for him to sing?! It's The Scientist and I want to kill myself. He's all over the show in the chorus, and Gary looks well-nervous. It sounds like a huge stretch for him, range-wise, to sing - but none of the stupid screaming girls going on about his bum care about that.

Louis calls it very average, says he's lost his swagger - Kelly demands to know if Louis knows what swagger is and tells him he's not allowed to say swagger again. Heh. Kelly does up the lol factor. Tulisa also thinks it was a bit samey. Kelly starts saying something similar and Louis interrupts her to accuse her of agreeing with him and she shushes him. Can't remember what Gary said COS I FELL ASLEEP OMG BORING. But everyone seems to agree that it wasn't his best. When Louis snipes that the song choice was wrong, Gary retorts that he should've given him I Will Always Love You. I feel your point Gary, but you don't really have any legs to stand on, Mr MOR Literally Dressed Entirely In Grey.

ANYway. Johnny is next. He's so lovely but I don't know what on earth they can do with him. Louis is most likely going to make a complete twat of him. He seems to be trying to make him the next Wagner. I mean, we get that he's as camp as all get out, but at the same time, stop cheapening his voice, Louis. Anyway - he's doing a Kylie song which he's all excited about. It's Can't Get You Out Of My Head and he's all trussed up like a geisha girl. LITERALLY. Kylie is actually a good choice for him for his vocal range and pitch, but they should've tried a different arrangement for him to really show off how talented he is. I feel sorry for him, mostly. Gary is not going to like this either. And if his face is anything to go by, he didn't.

Johnny also ended the performance with a big 'VOGUE'. WTF?! Tulisa says basically what I did just then. See? I SHOULD BE ON TV. Kelly literally can't string a sentence together to react. She's in too much shock and also got distracted by one of the dancers. Now it's time for Gary, who says he's sad because he doesn't want Johnny to be a joke. He then has a go at Louis for saying Frankie had no swagger when he has Johnny done up like Aladdin. Johnny's answer? 'You can rub my lamp anytime, Gary.' AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone, Gary included, busts into laughter. He has to stay in for his banter alone, srsly guise.

Probably a good job for the sake of the judging panel that there's another break now, I think Gary might need an oxygen tank to get his breath back.

Another Scouser up next, Marcus. I absolutely feckin loathe the song he did last week, which I've been forced to listen to approximately 87 times a day on the office radio for the last while. He better do something good this week or I'm gonna.....I have no idea where I was going with that. But apparently he's doing summat to show off the vocals this week, according to Gary. So far, I see lots of fire and half-nekkid folks on stage. Ah, it's Russian Roulette by Rihanna. He seemed a wee bit wobbly at the start but he's doing a good job now. It's still not that interesting a song though. I've moved on to hoping some of the dancers get accidentally set on fire.

Ooh bloody hell, he totally messed up the last note of that song. Louis says it was the wrong song choice, and that he wants people in Liverpool to vote for him. I think we just need him to call Marcus a little Lenny Henry and Louis Bingo will have a full house. Tulisa says it's not the best from him, cos he has a better voice. Kelly wants to see more emotion, Gary thinks he was brill, obvs. When Louis once again has a go at Gary for the wrong song choice, Kelly is all 'no, no, no' up in his grill.

Rhythmix are up next and they go on about the curse of the girl bands in the VT, the difficulty of choreography and singing, and then one of them burps in the middle of a piece to camera. Awesome. Now, they're talking about the challenges of food shopping for themselves. Yep, it's a hard-knock life. Whatever they sing this week, I just hope that one with all the hair that looks a bit like an owl is dressed a bit better - she always looks a state next to the rest of them stick insects. Aaaaand no, she's not. She's in yet more hammer pants. Le sigh.

They're doing I'm Like A Bird, but all urban, like. It's...ok, but not any better than that. They clearly can sing and everything, but their versions of songs just aren't as interesting and original as they need to be. Of course, I use the word 'original' in the loosest sense, this is X Factor after all.

Louis thinks they're great fun, great energy, etc etc. He agrees with Gary last week that they're the best girl band that have been on X Factor so far. Tulisa says they smashed it. Cheryl Cole launches a copyright lawsuit. Tulisa goes on about how real the girls all are and some shit about strong women. What-ever. Kelly wants them to get through so she can see more from them, and Gary thinks they're great and doing their own thing, blah blah. Tulisa says that people should vote for them because they're real and representing women and, I quote, 'like every other girl at home watching this show'. FUCK. OFF. LOVE. For the sake of my blood pressure, I shall leave it at that. Harumph.

I really can't abide those jobsite adverts that yer man Max whatshisface does. They're so bloody patronising in a recession where unemployment figures are on the up. But that's for another blog.

I can't decide who's more pathetic - the mini 'dancers' or the members of the public in those Talk Talk X Factor ads. Can we just cull them all? Two birds with one stone, perhaps?

Anyway - Misha B is next. I really want her to win. She's the most interesting and exciting - she might not be the most original artist in the world, but she's a lot more real than most people you get on here. Tonight, she is wearing a purple shiny jumpsuit that Grace Jones would be envious of. It's cut way down to here and has shoulder pads bigger than my arms. Oh the song? Oh yeah, she's doing Would I Lie To You - and honestly, it had to get to the chorus before I knew what it was. That's a good thing, btw. She's marching around the stage and judges like she owns it. And very sensibly, they didn't have a rap bit stuck in the middle of it - they didn't need it.

Louis loves everything about her, thinks she's a new urban queen. Tulisa loves it, Gary loves it, obvs Kelly loves it. She's class, her. Gary says she's more like one of the guest artists than a contestant. The man has a point. I also love how sweet and quiet she seems when she talks after he performance - completely different to her on stage persona, but she doesn't come across as fake at all. There's a good chance I'll get too pissed off to continue watching this show if/when she gets voted off.

The Risk are next. No idea what's meant to be so special about them. None whatsoever. They did alright last week, but it sounded just like the original so I dunno why they're meant to be so great. If the VT is anything to go by, apparently their most amazing talent is being attractive. They're on stools (Gary and Louis are gonna love it) doing one of those songs I can never really place that's all over the radio these days. Amazing Just The Way You Are? Something like that? I swear, there's a good 10 songs out in the last year that I think are all the same person, but it turns out they're all by different people. And there's no way in hell I care enough to remember who they are.

They have violinists miming the string arrangement behind them, but basically it's all about the stools. And the things they're sitting on. OMG DID YOU GET THAT? DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? LOLZAPOLOOZA UP IN YO FACE.

As predicted, Louis loves them. I think they're his Wand Erection for this year. He's predicting big things for them. I think one of those big things might be in his pants. Kelly says they should be proud of themselves, but she looks like she wants a nap more than anything. Gary calls them pure class and they jump around the stage as he goes on about hard work and commitment. Gary Boredlow, more like. Tulisa thinks they're not manufactured, despite the fact that they are the remnant of two groups she put together, that she put together, on a reality music tv show. OMG THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS. Louis also has a wee giddy fit about the stools working, while Dermot takes the piss out of them (the stools, that is. The actual furniture, I mean. Can we just change their name from The Risk to The Stools? Please?).

Sophie Habibis is next. She does have a really great voice, but she kinda bores me. And that haircut with the fringe does not suit her. It makes her look a good ten years older than she is. She's doing Wherever You Will Go by The Calling. A more MOR song does not exist, I fear, but she's doing a good job with it. It feels a bit samey to what she did with Katy Perry last week, but it's still good.

They all seem to love her voice and say she needs more confidence and a spark to make her stand out. I think they have a point, because I'm getting sleepy and bored at this point.

Kitty is up after the break. Doing Bjork. Hold me.

OMG Jedward are in the audience. In gold sequined track suits. I'm surprised they're allowed out in public like that.

Kitty is talking about how disrespectful it was to be booed last week. She says those people should be ashamed of themselves. Lol, get over yerself love. She's a proper nutter, her. She's doing It's Oh So Quiet. Which makes sense, cos I doubt anyone involved with the X Factor has ever heard of any other Bjork songs. This is gonna be proper mental. She seems to be Alice at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. The loud bits are actually disappointingly not mad enough. They have a slightly Queen-esque guitar rock thing to them but it's just not working.

Louis is desperately trying to get the crowd worked up for her and Tulisa thinks that she's an amazing artist despite being 'a bit different'. Kelly tries to remind her that she needs people to like her to buy her records. Gary says she deserves to be there for her talent, Louis says she always delivers, was born to be on the stage and gave the performance of the night. I think what was wrong with it is that she needed to be running around the stage more during the loud bits of the song. That's what the song makes you want to do, that's kind of the entire point of it, but the staging didn't let her move around enough. Meh, I dunno, at this point I'm putting way too much thought into all of this.

Lines are now open, which means we have the interminable recaps and phone numbers to go through. Katy Perry is on the results show tomorrow night. I have no real thoughts on that.

Till tomorrow night then!