I only ever seem to write here about how tough things are getting. That's unfortunate. I've lost the will to pay sufficient attention to the likes of the X Factor to liveblog it, and I just don't seem to have much else in my head these days, but how tough things are getting.
It's an uphill struggle these days, it really is. I'm trying really hard not to be negative about myself, not to slip into those old ways of thinking where as soon as I get upset/stressed out/annoyed about something that I make it all about me and how awful I am, and how much I loathe myself, etc etc etc. Sometimes I've slipped a bit too far towards that before I catch myself on, but I'm trying.
But the thing that's distressing me most at the minute is my apparent inability to take my mind off things that are concerning me. They rattle around and around and around my head, like a pinball going at lightening speed. And the things concerning me are mostly things outside of my control. I can't do much about them, I can't 'fix' them. So they fly around inside my head and torture me.
Not being able to fix things is an increasingly bigger problem for me. I've realised that I have this need to try to fix everything - to take on the responsibility for everything, and try to make it better. Sometimes because I think it's my fault and it's up to me to sort it out; sometimes because my bizarre perfectionism makes me think I'm the only one who can sort it out; and sometimes just because. Because I just can't handle anything being wrong or broken or not right. I don't seem to have any clue how to accept things not being how I want them to be - I just can't get my head around the idea that I can't fix something.
And then I spend so much time fixating on the things that I can't fix, that I don't pay any attention to the things that I possibly could do anything about. For example, something that I can't fix but can't get my mind off of: the situation with my ex-boyfriend. Something that I can do something about but keep ignoring: sorting out appointments with recruitment agencies, sorting out projects for Christmas that need to be done asap, getting myself some exercise to combat the weight, the sleeping problems and my general overall health.
I know I'm being an ass about it but I just keep doing it. I was about to write that I just can't help it there, but that's not true and I damn well know it. I have to keep trying so hard to remind myself that that is never, ever true. I can help it, I can change the way I react to things, but only by trying really hard, every single day. In some ways, trying to combat the depression is so much more difficult than the depression itself. It takes so much effort. It's so easy to forget, to just slip back into old, lazy ways.
A huge part of the problem is that I spend too much time alone. Far too much. Basically all of my time. I need more time with other people to stop my head wandering to places that it shouldn't. But that's not a prolbem that's all that easily solved - I literally have no one to hang out with. I have a friend from uni who I've been getting back in touch with lately and we meet up for dinner about once a month but that's it. And I suspect that she's slightly peeved at me at the moment for not going away for another friend's birthday for the weekend, but I'm far too skint to contemplate it.
But there's no one else. I don't get on so well with my flatmates, and they spend all of their free time with their boyfriends anyway. Another friend who I used to hang out with sometimes has been basically ignoring me since she started going out with her boyfriend last year (and of course competing with everyone else's boyfriends is helping me feel just super about my own situation...), I've barely been able to see her or get any kind of response from her since. She always agrees that yes, we must catch up soon, but it's always put off and off and off, and I just can't really consider her a proper friend anymore, because it's too much of a continual disappointment.
My doctor keeps insisting that I need to join a club or a class or something, but she really doesn't get that I have absolutely zero funds for such an endeavour, and none of my interests really lend themselves to that sort of thing, so I have no idea what I'd do. As much as I know that she's right about me needing to be around people more, I just don't know what the right answer to that is for me. I've never been the joining a club sort of person. The only things I was involved at in school were musical, despite my having zero musical ability. And the only choir I'm aware of in Belfast that I could join has the friend mentioned above in it, and at this point I don't really want to have too much to do with her.
I'm making excuses for myself, I know that, and I know that I need to cut that right out. But I can't help but feel that if something doesn't sound interesting and slightly comfortable to me, then I'm not going to be very good at meeting people through it.
I don't know, I've exhausted myself thinking about it now. And that's another problem - I just get so bloody tired all the time that I give up and just turn my attention to finding something to watch on tv instead.
And now I want a nap.
Monday 28 November 2011
Wednesday 16 November 2011
A list of my non-favourite things.
Things currently annoying me include, but are not limited to:
- Commercial radio and it's terrible playlists of the same awful songs repeated 5-6 times a day.
- Thin walls in the office that don't block out said radio.
- Tiny, tiny, tiny print that I have to spend days reading that's giving me a headache and making me v v v tired.
- The fact that I have zero money, but everywhere has discounts and sales and offers on and I want pretty dresses SO FRICKING BAD.
- Work. I'll say no more on that particular subject, lest I induce in myself a stroke.
- People thinking that 'high street' stores like LK Bennett etc are somehow 'cheap' and modest when royalty/politicians etc shop there - despite the fact that a simple work dress will set you back a good £200-250. I've not worn a dress to work in months that cost me more than 20 quid, and I know I am not alone. I'm sick of reading articles about how great it is that Kate Middleton wears more affordable clothes like LK Bennett, when the same news site is carrying articles about meals of toast sandwiches for 7p because we're all so skint. THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE.
- The fact that I have STILL not received my order from H&M (see previous ranty blogpost on the subject) that I placed 2.5 weeks ago - instead of changing the address like I wanted, it got sent back to them instead so I have to re-order it and wait another 2 weeks for delivery. NEVER EVER ORDER FROM THESE PEOPLE UNLESS YOU HAVE ALL DAY TO WAIT IN. And if you have all day all week to wait in for couriers, you either have no job thus can't afford to shop, or are more likely to be found shopping in LK Bennett in the first place.
- The fact that willing myself to lose weight apparently doesn't work. I really thought that was gonna cancel out all those pizzas and chocolate bars....
- Being stressed out about my favourite time of year. It always happens, yet Christmas always remains my favourite time of year. I'm clearly nuts. I get stressed about money, about who to buy presents for and the level of present to buy, about whether or not I'll actually have any social plans this year, or if it'll be another fortnight slouched in front of the tv at my parents' eating my body weight in selection boxes and Toblerone. I was determined for this Christmas to be different, to get to hang out with people and go out and do stuff, but I can't force myself on people. That'd just be even weirder than I already am. Maybe Santa will bring me some robo-friends in my stocking that I can programme to do my bidding....
Monday 14 November 2011
Tired.
Today has not been a good day.
Work has gradually been getting more and more on top of me, so when something went wrong today I think that sort of set everything else off. I just don't know what to do anymore. I was so determined before that I wouldn't let this beat me, that I just had to be strong and stand my ground. But somehow that hasn't happened. I didn't really notice it not happening, until it hadn't, so to speak. It's as though the lights turned off so slowly and gradually that I didn't notice the darkness approaching until it was pitch black.
I don't think I'd go so far as to say that I've slipped back completely into old ways of thinking. I've still been trying to resist the thoughts of low self-worth and bat those away as best I can. But this rut that I've sunken into is more than just a dull, lifeless routine. I feel so completely lost sometimes. I don't trust my own judgement, so I don't know what the right course of action is. With anything at all. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even when I don't realise it - all of a sudden I'll just burst into tears and barely be able to figure out what might have started it or what I'm upset about.
I'm really struggling to understand this. I thought I was trying; I thought I had made some progress. And I know, somewhere in my head, I have made some progress. I'm not immediately turning this around to become yet another instrument to beat myself up with - at least not for too long, anyway. But I feel like nothing works. Meds, counselling, therapy, my mini-revelation. I don't quite understand what I'm doing wrong. And it doesn't help that there are so many things currently outside of my control that are making me feel worse. Stuff at work, stuff at home, family stuff, money stuff, left-over relationship stuff. As much as I know that I am the only one who can change anything in my life or in my head, it feels that there are so many external factors conspiring against me that the universe is just toying with me for its own malevolent amusement. The bastard.
I do want to keep on trying, I do. I don't want to give up because that is possibly more frightening than anything else. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't know what is the right answer anymore, which is the right direction. I can't seem to make any decisions for the life of me, because I honestly can't see clearly enough to know which choice I ought to make. I don't like that.
I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to give up. I don't want to resign myself to feeling like this all of the time and just accept that I'll always be miserable and alone and unhappy. But I need some sort of help. I don't know what that help is, where to find it, or how to know it when I see it, but I need it. I want to keep looking for it, but I'm getting tired.
Work has gradually been getting more and more on top of me, so when something went wrong today I think that sort of set everything else off. I just don't know what to do anymore. I was so determined before that I wouldn't let this beat me, that I just had to be strong and stand my ground. But somehow that hasn't happened. I didn't really notice it not happening, until it hadn't, so to speak. It's as though the lights turned off so slowly and gradually that I didn't notice the darkness approaching until it was pitch black.
I don't think I'd go so far as to say that I've slipped back completely into old ways of thinking. I've still been trying to resist the thoughts of low self-worth and bat those away as best I can. But this rut that I've sunken into is more than just a dull, lifeless routine. I feel so completely lost sometimes. I don't trust my own judgement, so I don't know what the right course of action is. With anything at all. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even when I don't realise it - all of a sudden I'll just burst into tears and barely be able to figure out what might have started it or what I'm upset about.
I'm really struggling to understand this. I thought I was trying; I thought I had made some progress. And I know, somewhere in my head, I have made some progress. I'm not immediately turning this around to become yet another instrument to beat myself up with - at least not for too long, anyway. But I feel like nothing works. Meds, counselling, therapy, my mini-revelation. I don't quite understand what I'm doing wrong. And it doesn't help that there are so many things currently outside of my control that are making me feel worse. Stuff at work, stuff at home, family stuff, money stuff, left-over relationship stuff. As much as I know that I am the only one who can change anything in my life or in my head, it feels that there are so many external factors conspiring against me that the universe is just toying with me for its own malevolent amusement. The bastard.
I do want to keep on trying, I do. I don't want to give up because that is possibly more frightening than anything else. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't know what is the right answer anymore, which is the right direction. I can't seem to make any decisions for the life of me, because I honestly can't see clearly enough to know which choice I ought to make. I don't like that.
I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to give up. I don't want to resign myself to feeling like this all of the time and just accept that I'll always be miserable and alone and unhappy. But I need some sort of help. I don't know what that help is, where to find it, or how to know it when I see it, but I need it. I want to keep looking for it, but I'm getting tired.
Thursday 10 November 2011
Rant of the day - H&M are shit.
Never, ever, ever, EVER order anything online from H&M unless you happen to have a week or two to sit in your house all day and wait for them.
I ordered something on Oct 31st. Said delivery would be Nov 5-11, despite the fact that it was dispatched the next day. It takes a week to dispatch something a few hundred miles? Right, whatever. So, I keep checking the tracking website for the delivery, and I get a text on Monday morning that my delivery will be made within 24-48 hours. They also choose this moment to inform me that the parcel needs to be signed for. I can't just take a couple of days off work, so I just have to hope that it arrives when someone is home, or that they call me (as per my delivery instructions) so I can work something out.
So later that day, according to the tracking website, they have an access problem. Not surprising, because my apartment building is very difficult to get into if you don't have the codes for the gates and a key. Also, the buzzers tend not to work. So I immediately called H&M (since there's no contact details for the courier) to ask them to get the courier to call me, so that I could explain how to get into the property and hopefully work out when they might be there to let them in. That usually works fine any other time I'm having something like this delivered. They make the note, that's fine.
Two days and nothing happens. Then the tracking site says that the item is out for delivery, since yesterday apparently, but I've heard nothing. So I call again to see if there's anything I can do - my concern is that if they can't get to my property a few times, they'll send it back, I don't get my item (purchased with a time-limited and now-expired discount code) and I get charged an extra £9.90 for the trouble. So anyway, I call them and the girl tells me that since the couriers are self-employed, there's no requirement for them to have a mobile phone on them to be able to call me, but she can email a message. But since I can't spend all bloody week at home waiting for this package, I ask if I can get it delivered to a different address. They don't do work addresses, though, so I have to ask if I can use my parents' address. Which apparently might take another week, if they have to change couriers. And will take a few days anyway, since they need to go to the courier, come back to H&M and get authorisation.
I'd like to know what the hell they think people do with their time?! There doesn't seem to be a centre or anything for the courier that I can go to and collect the item, they don't have an option on the online store to be able to collect in my local H&M (which New Look have started doing recently - means I never have to worry about delivery plus it's free. 1-0 to New Look), and they won't deliver to work addresses. WTF?! Plus, they don't exactly give you a heads up when you're ordering to let you know about all these problems. I would've put my parents' address down in the first place had I realised that, because it's at least easy to get to their front door, plus they're often home during the day.
I have to say, the people I've spoken to have been very nice and polite and everything - it's certainly not their fault. It's the fault of whatever genius came up with this policy for deliveries. I've already been screwed over lately by having inflated charges from another online store of a well-known high street chain (*cough* Office, I'm looking at you) just because I live in Northern Ireland. I also don't really understand why couriering all this stuff is so necessary - can't they at least give you the option for Royal Mail? It works perfectly fine for 99% of the stuff I order from the likes of Amazon, so why can't it be an option for clothing retailers as well? Perhaps there is a genuine reason for that - I honestly don't know - but man, does it seem stupid to me.
And to be perfectly honest, I've encountered many such issues with H&M's website that just are not conducive to a pleasant shopping experience. I mean, I like their clothes, and I think they're usually fairly good value for money - I've got a significant proportion of my wardrobe from there and shudder to think how much money I've spent there.
Thing is, I like to browse online, so that I know exactly what I'm looking for when I go instore. Oftentimes I'm impatient and too lazy to go through everything instore, so it's easy to miss stuff that I might like. But it's easy to spend a bit of time browsing through a website during my lunchhour or EastEnders or whatever. Then I go in store, try stuff on, see if I like it and so on and buy it. I buy online when there's some kind of discount advantage, or if it's out of stock instore. But I just find so many things about H&M's website frustrating. You can't see the clothes all the easily at first glance because they seem to use catalogue shoots for the main photo, instead of the bloody garment itself. Sometimes you're looking at a picture, and you don't know which item of clothing on the model they're advertising to you.
And I'm forever finding things online that I can't find in store - even rather basic items. Like, there's a pair of jeans on their online store for £7.99 (full price) that I keep looking for instore but can't see. I don't know if that's an error on the part of the website or what, but it's infuriating. And I haaaaate when online stores don't let you filter by more than one thing at once - why can't I look at dresses and skirts at the same time, like I can on New Look's site, huh?!! And there's no option to sort by price, or to be able to see what's new in store.
They seem to have spent too much time trying to make it pretty and not enough trying to make it functionable. And if I get pissed off looking at a website, then I'm unlikely to make it instore to buy things. I also find it infuriating when they don't differentiate between an online price and an instore one. I see something I like on sale on the website, I think 'Great! I'll run into the store this evening, try on a couple of sizes to see what I need!' Except it's not on sale in the store, I'm lucky if they even have it in the store, and what I'd save on the online discount price, I'd lose on the delivery costs anyway. So they don't get any of my money. That doesn't seem like good retailing strategy, to me.
Now, maybe I'm just odd. Maybe everyone else is able to sit at home all day, all week and wait for parcels to arrive. Maybe other people don't care about cost, about being able to see the items they might want to buy, and can just order things willy nilly. But I'd have thought that in a recession, when just today I read on BBC News about how tough things are for the retail sector, that shops might want to make it a bit easier for me to GIVE THEM MY FUCKIING MONEY.
Anyway. That's it for now. God knows how long it'll be before I get the coat I ordered, but I can tell you how long it will be before I order online with H&M again - a very, very long fucking time indeed. Harumph.
I ordered something on Oct 31st. Said delivery would be Nov 5-11, despite the fact that it was dispatched the next day. It takes a week to dispatch something a few hundred miles? Right, whatever. So, I keep checking the tracking website for the delivery, and I get a text on Monday morning that my delivery will be made within 24-48 hours. They also choose this moment to inform me that the parcel needs to be signed for. I can't just take a couple of days off work, so I just have to hope that it arrives when someone is home, or that they call me (as per my delivery instructions) so I can work something out.
So later that day, according to the tracking website, they have an access problem. Not surprising, because my apartment building is very difficult to get into if you don't have the codes for the gates and a key. Also, the buzzers tend not to work. So I immediately called H&M (since there's no contact details for the courier) to ask them to get the courier to call me, so that I could explain how to get into the property and hopefully work out when they might be there to let them in. That usually works fine any other time I'm having something like this delivered. They make the note, that's fine.
Two days and nothing happens. Then the tracking site says that the item is out for delivery, since yesterday apparently, but I've heard nothing. So I call again to see if there's anything I can do - my concern is that if they can't get to my property a few times, they'll send it back, I don't get my item (purchased with a time-limited and now-expired discount code) and I get charged an extra £9.90 for the trouble. So anyway, I call them and the girl tells me that since the couriers are self-employed, there's no requirement for them to have a mobile phone on them to be able to call me, but she can email a message. But since I can't spend all bloody week at home waiting for this package, I ask if I can get it delivered to a different address. They don't do work addresses, though, so I have to ask if I can use my parents' address. Which apparently might take another week, if they have to change couriers. And will take a few days anyway, since they need to go to the courier, come back to H&M and get authorisation.
I'd like to know what the hell they think people do with their time?! There doesn't seem to be a centre or anything for the courier that I can go to and collect the item, they don't have an option on the online store to be able to collect in my local H&M (which New Look have started doing recently - means I never have to worry about delivery plus it's free. 1-0 to New Look), and they won't deliver to work addresses. WTF?! Plus, they don't exactly give you a heads up when you're ordering to let you know about all these problems. I would've put my parents' address down in the first place had I realised that, because it's at least easy to get to their front door, plus they're often home during the day.
I have to say, the people I've spoken to have been very nice and polite and everything - it's certainly not their fault. It's the fault of whatever genius came up with this policy for deliveries. I've already been screwed over lately by having inflated charges from another online store of a well-known high street chain (*cough* Office, I'm looking at you) just because I live in Northern Ireland. I also don't really understand why couriering all this stuff is so necessary - can't they at least give you the option for Royal Mail? It works perfectly fine for 99% of the stuff I order from the likes of Amazon, so why can't it be an option for clothing retailers as well? Perhaps there is a genuine reason for that - I honestly don't know - but man, does it seem stupid to me.
And to be perfectly honest, I've encountered many such issues with H&M's website that just are not conducive to a pleasant shopping experience. I mean, I like their clothes, and I think they're usually fairly good value for money - I've got a significant proportion of my wardrobe from there and shudder to think how much money I've spent there.
Thing is, I like to browse online, so that I know exactly what I'm looking for when I go instore. Oftentimes I'm impatient and too lazy to go through everything instore, so it's easy to miss stuff that I might like. But it's easy to spend a bit of time browsing through a website during my lunchhour or EastEnders or whatever. Then I go in store, try stuff on, see if I like it and so on and buy it. I buy online when there's some kind of discount advantage, or if it's out of stock instore. But I just find so many things about H&M's website frustrating. You can't see the clothes all the easily at first glance because they seem to use catalogue shoots for the main photo, instead of the bloody garment itself. Sometimes you're looking at a picture, and you don't know which item of clothing on the model they're advertising to you.
And I'm forever finding things online that I can't find in store - even rather basic items. Like, there's a pair of jeans on their online store for £7.99 (full price) that I keep looking for instore but can't see. I don't know if that's an error on the part of the website or what, but it's infuriating. And I haaaaate when online stores don't let you filter by more than one thing at once - why can't I look at dresses and skirts at the same time, like I can on New Look's site, huh?!! And there's no option to sort by price, or to be able to see what's new in store.
They seem to have spent too much time trying to make it pretty and not enough trying to make it functionable. And if I get pissed off looking at a website, then I'm unlikely to make it instore to buy things. I also find it infuriating when they don't differentiate between an online price and an instore one. I see something I like on sale on the website, I think 'Great! I'll run into the store this evening, try on a couple of sizes to see what I need!' Except it's not on sale in the store, I'm lucky if they even have it in the store, and what I'd save on the online discount price, I'd lose on the delivery costs anyway. So they don't get any of my money. That doesn't seem like good retailing strategy, to me.
Now, maybe I'm just odd. Maybe everyone else is able to sit at home all day, all week and wait for parcels to arrive. Maybe other people don't care about cost, about being able to see the items they might want to buy, and can just order things willy nilly. But I'd have thought that in a recession, when just today I read on BBC News about how tough things are for the retail sector, that shops might want to make it a bit easier for me to GIVE THEM MY FUCKIING MONEY.
Anyway. That's it for now. God knows how long it'll be before I get the coat I ordered, but I can tell you how long it will be before I order online with H&M again - a very, very long fucking time indeed. Harumph.
Hurry up and wait.
I am both exceptionally lazy, and really bad at waiting. I don't quite understand how those two things square up, but there you have it.
I just can't seem to do anything these days. I'm constantly tired and lazy and never want to really do anything but lie around and nap. But at the same time, I'm incredibly impatient about some things. Especially anything in my head. I know that I just need to give it time to get past certain things, to move on. But I don't want to wait. I want things to be how I want them to be right now. This very minute. All this waiting and being patient crap does not sit well with me. It seems that anything outside of my control cannot happen soon enough, but the things inside my control can wait as long as I feel like it. Which isn't the most logical or sensible approach to these things.
I'm not entirely sure what's at the bottom of all this. Is it just a general laziness, that's come about from years of low energy, low mood, low everything? Or is it something more inherent in my personality? Do I have some sense of entitlement, that I deserve everything I want right now, without having to work for it? Is it some sort of need for instant gratification that's a worrying and depressing sign of our times? I dunno, but it's bloody stupid and annoying. I don't think I was always like this. I don't remember feeling like this when I was at school or university. But then maybe the structure of those sort of systems kept me afloat. Always things to have to do, by a certain time, and they were mostly things that I liked and enjoyed doing, so motivation wasn't as big a problem.
I really wish that I could get those things back - the energy, motivation, sense of purpose that I had from academia. I had dinner with an old friend from university recently, and she said that she doesn't think I've changed at all from our uni days. I don't know about that. Obviously, she doesn't know about my problems so I guess she doesn't have a lot of data to go off of. But it's nice to know that I still seem like myself to her, whatever that is. I guess my personality, my sense of humour, all that sort of stuff maybe hasn't changed that much. And in some ways, as much as it's draining to have to hide my problems from so many people so much of the time, there's almost something refreshing about being around someone who hasn't got a clue about them - it's like I can almost pretend that I don't have these problems and just be myself. Obviously that's only a temporary thing, and hardly a long-term approach to depression, but still. Gotta see the upsides where I can, I guess.
Ironically I think I'm a bit more confident now that I was at uni. I think that's partly just the effect of going out into the working world, being in increasingly more situations where I need confidence and such. And I think it's also partly because of the depression. It's weird, the sort of strength that you get from it. It doesn't feel like it a lot of the time - you feel so tired, so low, so afraid and lonely and unworthy so often. But somewhere there's some kind of 'well fuck the world' sort of thing that comes out of it. A feeling of 'what the hell can the world do to me now, things are already pretty bad' that gives you some sort of weird, quiet strength. And just knowing that I've had these problems for so long now, but they haven't done me in. Not quite yet, anyway. But I know that that means there's some sort of strength and energy in there. Somewhere. I just need to unearth it and put it to good use.
I have no idea how I got to this from the start of this post. It's weird, the way my train of thought can go, especially when I'm writing. I think that's why I need to do this more. Sometimes I do just get sick of thinking and talking about things, and I do feel a bit self-indulgent doing this, like I think my problems are so important that they should be aired to the world. But that's not my intention. Writing seems to help me get things straight more than just going over and over and over them in my head. So it seems like an actual productive thing. As well as kinda cathartic. And for some reason, writing vaguely publicly like this helps with that - when I would write just for myself, like a private diary or whatever, I would go down the rabbit hole of self-hatred far too often. I used it to torture myself for some odd reason. I don't know quite why that is - maybe I thought I had to play up to the idea of a victim or something.
I have to keep reminding myself of this - something has changed for me. Even though I've been feeling quite down and stuck and lost of late, it's still different than it used to me. Only a little bit different, at times, but still. I have to hold onto that and keep reminding myself. I very often don't want to - I want to sink into that pit of despair sometimes. It's perversely pleasant and comforting to drown in the negative. But I try not to let myself do it for long - just enough to realise that that is not how I want to be anymore. And yeah, maybe it's all a lot harder than it seemed at first when I had my 'revelation' or whatever the hell it was. I had so much energy then, it seems, that I don't now. But I'm still trying. Maybe I need to tone down my expectations a bit, but I'm trying. I think. I hope. And I guess that's the main thing. To have hope.
I just can't seem to do anything these days. I'm constantly tired and lazy and never want to really do anything but lie around and nap. But at the same time, I'm incredibly impatient about some things. Especially anything in my head. I know that I just need to give it time to get past certain things, to move on. But I don't want to wait. I want things to be how I want them to be right now. This very minute. All this waiting and being patient crap does not sit well with me. It seems that anything outside of my control cannot happen soon enough, but the things inside my control can wait as long as I feel like it. Which isn't the most logical or sensible approach to these things.
I'm not entirely sure what's at the bottom of all this. Is it just a general laziness, that's come about from years of low energy, low mood, low everything? Or is it something more inherent in my personality? Do I have some sense of entitlement, that I deserve everything I want right now, without having to work for it? Is it some sort of need for instant gratification that's a worrying and depressing sign of our times? I dunno, but it's bloody stupid and annoying. I don't think I was always like this. I don't remember feeling like this when I was at school or university. But then maybe the structure of those sort of systems kept me afloat. Always things to have to do, by a certain time, and they were mostly things that I liked and enjoyed doing, so motivation wasn't as big a problem.
I really wish that I could get those things back - the energy, motivation, sense of purpose that I had from academia. I had dinner with an old friend from university recently, and she said that she doesn't think I've changed at all from our uni days. I don't know about that. Obviously, she doesn't know about my problems so I guess she doesn't have a lot of data to go off of. But it's nice to know that I still seem like myself to her, whatever that is. I guess my personality, my sense of humour, all that sort of stuff maybe hasn't changed that much. And in some ways, as much as it's draining to have to hide my problems from so many people so much of the time, there's almost something refreshing about being around someone who hasn't got a clue about them - it's like I can almost pretend that I don't have these problems and just be myself. Obviously that's only a temporary thing, and hardly a long-term approach to depression, but still. Gotta see the upsides where I can, I guess.
Ironically I think I'm a bit more confident now that I was at uni. I think that's partly just the effect of going out into the working world, being in increasingly more situations where I need confidence and such. And I think it's also partly because of the depression. It's weird, the sort of strength that you get from it. It doesn't feel like it a lot of the time - you feel so tired, so low, so afraid and lonely and unworthy so often. But somewhere there's some kind of 'well fuck the world' sort of thing that comes out of it. A feeling of 'what the hell can the world do to me now, things are already pretty bad' that gives you some sort of weird, quiet strength. And just knowing that I've had these problems for so long now, but they haven't done me in. Not quite yet, anyway. But I know that that means there's some sort of strength and energy in there. Somewhere. I just need to unearth it and put it to good use.
I have no idea how I got to this from the start of this post. It's weird, the way my train of thought can go, especially when I'm writing. I think that's why I need to do this more. Sometimes I do just get sick of thinking and talking about things, and I do feel a bit self-indulgent doing this, like I think my problems are so important that they should be aired to the world. But that's not my intention. Writing seems to help me get things straight more than just going over and over and over them in my head. So it seems like an actual productive thing. As well as kinda cathartic. And for some reason, writing vaguely publicly like this helps with that - when I would write just for myself, like a private diary or whatever, I would go down the rabbit hole of self-hatred far too often. I used it to torture myself for some odd reason. I don't know quite why that is - maybe I thought I had to play up to the idea of a victim or something.
I have to keep reminding myself of this - something has changed for me. Even though I've been feeling quite down and stuck and lost of late, it's still different than it used to me. Only a little bit different, at times, but still. I have to hold onto that and keep reminding myself. I very often don't want to - I want to sink into that pit of despair sometimes. It's perversely pleasant and comforting to drown in the negative. But I try not to let myself do it for long - just enough to realise that that is not how I want to be anymore. And yeah, maybe it's all a lot harder than it seemed at first when I had my 'revelation' or whatever the hell it was. I had so much energy then, it seems, that I don't now. But I'm still trying. Maybe I need to tone down my expectations a bit, but I'm trying. I think. I hope. And I guess that's the main thing. To have hope.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Once more unto the breach...
I know that this will probably seem rather self-involved and indulgent, not to mention terribly dull, but I think I maybe need to update the state of my head here a little bit more often. I seem to do better writing about things than letting them endlessly ruminate in my head, so maybe this will help me to stay on track a little bit better.
So, yesterday was quite a crappy day, as yesterday's post indicates. Everything seemed to be getting away from me, and the only thing that I could concentrate on was how lost and lonely and scared I felt. I cried - a lot - and went home and lay on my ass for hours watching tv and eating junk food. But somewhere along the way in the evening, I managed to get some work done (mostly because I absolutely had to, no other option). And I really did feel better for it. I wasn't going to bed stressing about how much work I would have in the morning and I felt relatively productive and like I accomplished something. Only a small something, and there are a million and one other things I need to do, but still. The day at least ended a little bit better.
Today I'm mostly tired. Which is par for the course with me at this time of day. I know that I really need to do something about exercising, because I think that's the only thing that will help on the tiredness front. My doctor has offered to give me exercise on prescription - basically 6 weeks' paid for access to a local council leisure centre. I'm a bit skeptical (mostly because there isn't a council leisure centre particularly convenient to me), but it's only 6 weeks so I can at least give that a try, right? Plus my weight is being brought up more and more by the doctor each time I visit. I'm not exactly obese (yet) but I'm definitely far too overweight and it's starting to cause me a lot of problems. Not least of which is the fact that very few of my clothes still fit me.
As for all of the other things that have been running around my head non-stop lately, I'm just trying to shut them out for the time being. Maybe I just needed a bit of a low day and a blow out like yesterday to help me re-start everything a bit. I don't know. But I feel a little bit better today, and that's something. I just have to try very hard now to keep that going.
Freaking out about things, obsessing over all of the things that I'm unhappy with in my life doesn't do a damned thing to fix them. And maybe there are some things I can't fix, and I need to accept that. I'm not very good at accepting things I don't like (understatement of the century, that is) but I need to figure out how. And for right now, I just have to try not to let it defeat me, at the very least.
And with that, back to work.
So, yesterday was quite a crappy day, as yesterday's post indicates. Everything seemed to be getting away from me, and the only thing that I could concentrate on was how lost and lonely and scared I felt. I cried - a lot - and went home and lay on my ass for hours watching tv and eating junk food. But somewhere along the way in the evening, I managed to get some work done (mostly because I absolutely had to, no other option). And I really did feel better for it. I wasn't going to bed stressing about how much work I would have in the morning and I felt relatively productive and like I accomplished something. Only a small something, and there are a million and one other things I need to do, but still. The day at least ended a little bit better.
Today I'm mostly tired. Which is par for the course with me at this time of day. I know that I really need to do something about exercising, because I think that's the only thing that will help on the tiredness front. My doctor has offered to give me exercise on prescription - basically 6 weeks' paid for access to a local council leisure centre. I'm a bit skeptical (mostly because there isn't a council leisure centre particularly convenient to me), but it's only 6 weeks so I can at least give that a try, right? Plus my weight is being brought up more and more by the doctor each time I visit. I'm not exactly obese (yet) but I'm definitely far too overweight and it's starting to cause me a lot of problems. Not least of which is the fact that very few of my clothes still fit me.
As for all of the other things that have been running around my head non-stop lately, I'm just trying to shut them out for the time being. Maybe I just needed a bit of a low day and a blow out like yesterday to help me re-start everything a bit. I don't know. But I feel a little bit better today, and that's something. I just have to try very hard now to keep that going.
Freaking out about things, obsessing over all of the things that I'm unhappy with in my life doesn't do a damned thing to fix them. And maybe there are some things I can't fix, and I need to accept that. I'm not very good at accepting things I don't like (understatement of the century, that is) but I need to figure out how. And for right now, I just have to try not to let it defeat me, at the very least.
And with that, back to work.
Monday 7 November 2011
Rut.
I haven't really written anything much here in a while. That is not a good sign. I've gotten to a point now where I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to not be writing about what's going on in my head all the time. I get bored of thinking about it and going on about it, but I fear that not paying enough attention to what's going on up there leads to complacency and laziness.
I've definitely slipped into a bit of a rut the last month or so. Tired all the time, making excuses for not doing anything (even making dinner or tidying my room), I've ended up spending all of my time either asleep or barely conscious in front of the laptop. I can't seem to muster up much energy or enthusiasm for writing at all - hence my liveblogs of the X Factor and reviews of Spooks falling by the wayside a little. I've not managed to get settled on an idea for NaNoWriMo, and of course work has now gotten in the way.
I've been feeling vacant and empty; annoyed and angry at the most ridiculous things - this week the MTV EMAs being held in Belfast was a particular source of anger for me. Despite the fact that it's a great thing for the city, and has highlighted the local music scene that I'm such a fan of, I've just been pissed off by the whole thing. I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that I feel so alone. I was so determined a couple of months back to try to shake my life up, to reconnect with people and try to get out more. But it's not that easy. There simply are not a lot of people in my life at all - not in this country, let alone town - with whom I can do things. Things as simple as just going to the cinema or the pub - there's no one I can just call up and hang out with. And I can't just magic new friends out of thin air. I've been trying to reconnect with old friends and I have done, to some extent, but that doesn't mean that we can start hanging out every night, it's a once every 6 weeks sort of thing. And I can't expect anymore than that - I'm grateful for that much, at least.
And that all leads to resentment that I can't do things that I want because I have no one to do them with, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness and emptiness. There are all these adverts on the radio and tv here at the moment promoting mental health and trying to encourage people to seek help. They all urge anyone feeling depressed to talk to someone, a friend, a family member, anyone. Everytime I hear one of those ads I can't help but scoff at them - if I had anyone to bloody talk to in the first place, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.
I'm not quite getting to the point of hating myself in quite the same way as I used to - I'm managing to keep a bit of a lid on that, for the most part. It's not always easy though - it's scary how quickly I can fall back into old ways of thinking without even noticing until it's almost too late.
Mostly, the worst thing about this is that it gives me too much time to myself inside my head. I spend all of my time alone, pretty much. I sit in an office by myself all day. I go home and sit in my room all night. I never go out, I never have plans. I don't even have as many people to talk to online anymore because of my social media avoidance. All that time to myself, inside this head, is not a good thing. It's very definitely a Bad Thing. Too much time to think about things, to dwell on stuff. And perhaps more dangerously, too much time to daydream and fantasise about everything being ok. Too much time to create an alternate reality in my head where I do have friends, a boyfriend, where everything is how I'd like it to be. And then the harsh light of day when I'm forced to remember that none of that is true.
And I know that I'm the only one who can control the thoughts inside my own head. I'm not trying to make excuses about that. I know that the only way to get more energy to do things - even if it's just productive little things at home like laundry and tidying and making dinner - is by doing things in the first place, no matter how tired or pissed off I might be. But it's hard not to feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Getting out and being around people is what I need the most right now, but I just don't have anyone to do that with.
This is a bit of a rambly, incoherent post, but I've been struggling to concentrate in work so I figured I may as well try to get some of this out there. I have no idea what the answer to any of this is. Just to try harder, I guess.
I've definitely slipped into a bit of a rut the last month or so. Tired all the time, making excuses for not doing anything (even making dinner or tidying my room), I've ended up spending all of my time either asleep or barely conscious in front of the laptop. I can't seem to muster up much energy or enthusiasm for writing at all - hence my liveblogs of the X Factor and reviews of Spooks falling by the wayside a little. I've not managed to get settled on an idea for NaNoWriMo, and of course work has now gotten in the way.
I've been feeling vacant and empty; annoyed and angry at the most ridiculous things - this week the MTV EMAs being held in Belfast was a particular source of anger for me. Despite the fact that it's a great thing for the city, and has highlighted the local music scene that I'm such a fan of, I've just been pissed off by the whole thing. I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that I feel so alone. I was so determined a couple of months back to try to shake my life up, to reconnect with people and try to get out more. But it's not that easy. There simply are not a lot of people in my life at all - not in this country, let alone town - with whom I can do things. Things as simple as just going to the cinema or the pub - there's no one I can just call up and hang out with. And I can't just magic new friends out of thin air. I've been trying to reconnect with old friends and I have done, to some extent, but that doesn't mean that we can start hanging out every night, it's a once every 6 weeks sort of thing. And I can't expect anymore than that - I'm grateful for that much, at least.
And that all leads to resentment that I can't do things that I want because I have no one to do them with, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness and emptiness. There are all these adverts on the radio and tv here at the moment promoting mental health and trying to encourage people to seek help. They all urge anyone feeling depressed to talk to someone, a friend, a family member, anyone. Everytime I hear one of those ads I can't help but scoff at them - if I had anyone to bloody talk to in the first place, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.
I'm not quite getting to the point of hating myself in quite the same way as I used to - I'm managing to keep a bit of a lid on that, for the most part. It's not always easy though - it's scary how quickly I can fall back into old ways of thinking without even noticing until it's almost too late.
Mostly, the worst thing about this is that it gives me too much time to myself inside my head. I spend all of my time alone, pretty much. I sit in an office by myself all day. I go home and sit in my room all night. I never go out, I never have plans. I don't even have as many people to talk to online anymore because of my social media avoidance. All that time to myself, inside this head, is not a good thing. It's very definitely a Bad Thing. Too much time to think about things, to dwell on stuff. And perhaps more dangerously, too much time to daydream and fantasise about everything being ok. Too much time to create an alternate reality in my head where I do have friends, a boyfriend, where everything is how I'd like it to be. And then the harsh light of day when I'm forced to remember that none of that is true.
And I know that I'm the only one who can control the thoughts inside my own head. I'm not trying to make excuses about that. I know that the only way to get more energy to do things - even if it's just productive little things at home like laundry and tidying and making dinner - is by doing things in the first place, no matter how tired or pissed off I might be. But it's hard not to feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Getting out and being around people is what I need the most right now, but I just don't have anyone to do that with.
This is a bit of a rambly, incoherent post, but I've been struggling to concentrate in work so I figured I may as well try to get some of this out there. I have no idea what the answer to any of this is. Just to try harder, I guess.
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