X Factor Live Show 4: Live Blog

It's time for Halloween themed X Factor! Woo! Are we all excited?

Well, to give you an idea of how I'm feeling right now, I just spent a good 2 minutes trying to put a hoodie on. It's one of those days, I'm afraid.

So, god only knows what horrors are in store for us this evening. Dermot starts off dancing (well, he made one arm movement and took a step to the right) to Thriller wearing devil horns, but no stuntman doing backflips this week.

The judges enter, and apparently they all played a very cruel trick on Nicole telling her that it was fancy dress when none of them rest of them dressed up. Louis looks as dim and confused as usual, Tulisa has vampire fangs and Gary made some sort of strange smiling growly sort of face, while Nicole is dressed in some mental lace catsuit get up, with some weird head dress and mad hair, and she seems to be making Gary blush.

So far, so boring.

As we probably all know by know, Lucy is apparently too ill to perform this week, so she automatically goes through to next week. If I was a cynical, miserable cow, I'd point out that she was well enough to go out for Rylan's birthday on Wednesday, but sure.

Anyway, Kye is up first and he's doing Let Me Entertain You, which he sings for Robbie Williams in the masterclass. Gary admits that he was jealous of Robbie's career when he released this song (yeah, like we didn't already know that, given that this was Gary's fat disastrous solo phase), and then Kye looks very confused at the fact that he just met Robbie Williams. It's not like you met the Pope ffs, Kye, pull yerself together man.

So you were jealous of Robbie Williams at this point in time, Gary? Colour me shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you.

So, his version of Let Me Entertain You is so far not all that different from Robbie's, but Kye does move around the stage a lot and looks less like he wants to cry and/or vomit. He also has developed this little head movement thing where he wobbles his head from side to side, much like a bobble head doll. He even did a wee spin there that Dermot would be proud of. Apparently this is all to represent the character and personality that we've not seen so far, that he says has been trapped inside. Well if this is what it's like when it's let out, put it back in love. He does a wee run through the audience, and I will at least give him props for being able to sing despite running up and down a flight of stairs. I can't breathe while walking up and down a flight of stairs, so all power to his elbow for that.

Apparently Nicole liked his little 'dance thingy' this week and she really gets him now. Louis goes on about how much he loved Kye at the first audition, and that he hopes he's done enough tonight 'but I don't think you did' - basically doing the same thing that he did to Jade last week to try to weaken the audience's opinion of contestants. He goes on about something being missing, but we all know your game, Louis. We know what you're up to. The others liked it too, btw, and even Kye says Louis looked like he was enjoying it during the performance. Heh.

Behave, Louis. Behave.

I'm sitting through the ads with a horrible dilemma in front of me - do I eat a millionaire shortcake dessert, or chocolate wafer curls? It's like Sophie's Choice up in here.

While I mull that over, A Startlingly Similar Direction are next and they're starting the word bananas a lot in their VT, and a couple of them seem to be in their onesie pyjamas. Bless, you forget how young they are. Now they're out of their jammies and into suits at the James Bond premiere, with lots of girls screaming at them. I'm more interested in the brief glimpse of Stephen Fry at the premiere, but apparently the editors think we'd rather see Union J dressed up at Rylan's party. Their masterclass with Robbie seemed to involve him saying 'aye, yous are class' and then giving a look which seemed to say 'now fuck away off outta my face'. Lol.

So, their song is Beyonce's Sweet Dreams and involves them all perched on a car in the middle of the stage. A hint at their future as second hand car salesmen? I like to think so. The car is the most interesting part of the song, in fairness. They can sing alright, but let's face it, with boybands no one gives a shit, girls will vote for them regardless.

Tulisa says their vocals were really strong tonight but her only issue is that they played it a little bit safe. Which she isn't doing with her dress, as it looks to be so right over her boobs that she's going to cut off circulation. Gary agreed (about the vocals and playing it safe, not her boobs). Nicole, who looks decidedly dead behind the eyes this week - way to commit to a costume - says it was perfect. Her and Gary start arguing about whether or not it was over-produced, and Louis blabbers on about how much he believes in them again. That's really all he ever knows to say about anyone, that he believes in them, that they're a recording artist, that they're an international popstar. It's always particularly funny to me when he comes after Nicole and her and Gary go on about technical singing stuff and then Louis is just all 'yeah....you sang a wee song there, well done'. Ah Louis, what would we do without you?

In completely unrelated news, I am loving my new slippers. Also, I decided on the wafer curls as they don't involve cutlery and are therefore more conducive to blogging. I know you were all dying to know.

Rylan is next with an apparently deadly performance, according to Nicole. His VT is all about how apparently loads of popstars are backing Rylan to win, and Robbie telling Gary he should be getting the brilliance of Rylan. And then we have Nicole dressing like a right slapper in latex and singing to Rylan at his birthday party. As you do.

Rylan is doing Toxic. Well, so far - there'll probably be another 10 songs before the end. He's lying on some sort of perspex bed surrounded by dancers and what not, and judging from his singing when he stands up and starts dancing, he needs to be nailed to a flat surface to be able to sound like anything other than an animal in distress. Now it's Horny (which I've not heard in years, and didn't really appreciate hearing like this). Rylan is now on the desk thrusting his crotch towards Gary, singing Nicole's Poison and utterly massacring it. Maybe it's all a cunning ploy by her to remind people of how good a singer she is? I wouldn't put it past her.

Basically it was the same rubbish as it normally is. Louis thinks that Rylan is like a young Jean Paul Gautier. YES OF COURSE HE DOES. Fuckin hell. Tulisa says he delivers to the best of his ability every time he steps on that stage, but ffs that doesn't mean he's any use. Gary starts off wondering how he ever fell out with Robbie Williams. Gary tries not to be mean, by saying he was no worse than last week and the dancers were good and the music was so loud he couldn't hear him sing. Lol. Nicole then goes all weird again by singing Horny at him and talking some Yank gibberish. Then Rylan says that if he gets through he'll just stand there and sing to try to win Gary over. LOLOLOLOLOLOL indeed.

Ella is next and at her masterclass, Robbie basically tells her to ignore Gary. Heh. They all talk about how young she is and how she isn't overwhelmed by it all, which is true, and how amazing she is, which is also true. I can't find it in me to say a bad thing about this girl, even for the craic. Anyway, she's in some red cape thingy with a beehive on her head that will, quite frankly, take hours to brush out. I don't envy her that. She's singing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence but she's doing a pretty good job of making it sound like it could be an Adele song rather than some emo one hit wonder from years ago.

Gary throws heaps of praise on her, despite not liking the song that much. Nicole says it was her least favourite performance of Ella's, she says it was the wrong key for her and needed more depth and some other technical stuff about modulation and what not. Louis once again talks about her having a recording voice, and then slags off her hair. LOOK IN A FUCKING MIRROR, LOUIS.

Now there's some weird ad on with Michael Buble sliding from a green room to the stage and apparently it's an O2 ad. Okaaaaayyyyy.....

I have to say, is it just me or is X Factor a tad more boring than usual this week? And for a section of the show that's included Rylan, that's probably not a good sign. I'm starting to reminisce for the good old days of Jedward doing the Ghostbusters theme. Ah, memories....

Christopher is next and OMG I'M SO EFFING BORED OF HIM. There's a lot of talk about nerves, and the public supporting him (apparently he's been at the top of the public votes, which I find terrifying in the extreme). He talks a lot about how made up he is to have people behind him, and Gary goes on about how his mum loves Christopher, and therein lies the problem Gary. Presumably yer ma isn't exactly the kind of record-buying audience that Cowell wants to cash in on. There's also no mention of Christopher going AWOL to go back to Liverpool this week and missing the masterclass with Robbie, which apparently the producers were well raging about.

He's singing I Just Died In Your Arms tonight, and whilst the production on it is quite modern and what not, the song is still dated and cheesy. How can Gary not see this? What are you playing at, Borelow?

Nicole tells him it was like an 80s pop rock opera, and does some weird hip thrusty things and tells him he did a good job. Louis says they're looking for a future recording artist, but he's a future cabaret and panto star. Tulisa is apparently reading my mind cos she asks Gary how many 80s classics is he going to let Christopher destroy when they're giving the same critique each week. Gary says "I don't know what offended me more, what you just said or the fag ash breath". OOOOOH BITCHY!!! She hits back at him smelling of red wine, but still.

District 3 are next, and Dermie just called Louis the apple bobbing champion of Ireland 1953. I did a lol.

Robbie tells District 3 to be more natural and have a laugh. Which seemingly means that they dance with canes this week, but one of them keeps hitting the others and dropping his. If he manages to twat one of the judges with it I will vote to keep them in. For realsies.

They're doing Every Breath You Take dressed like A Clockwork Orange and before I get to finish typing that sentence they're into Beautiful Monster by Ne Yo and it's mash up central all up in this joint. They're doing entirely too much jumping around though cos they sound decidedly out of breath and their vocals are much weaker than usual.

Again, Tulisa agrees with me about them getting out of breath and everything. I better make sure I don't have fag ash breath. It would be quite a shock, given that I'm fascistically anti-smoking. Gary says it was a mess and that he's fed up with mash-ups. Nicole agrees with him about the mash up, she's scared of their music, and blah blah something something key something something blah.

Jahmene is next, and it's more about how emotional last week was for him, and then he's singing for Samuel L Jackson. What the absolute fuck?!! That's a helluva segue!

Sam says if Jahmene don't win, something is fucked up. Guys, we might wanna be careful here, we don't wanna go pissing off Samuel L Jackson. He a bad motherfucker.

Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly, and is just standing there and singing as per Gary's frequent instruction. It's fairly flawless, and the judges are in agreement. Louis, of course, makes comparisons to every black male artist he can think of. I'm waiting for a comparison to MC Hammer next, cos he's running out of people to make generic and idiotic references to.

Next we have Jade, and they're at the Skyfall premiere and then back to her flat with her rather adorable little girl who has the most awesome glasses I've ever seen on a kid. Tulisa pops round for a visit, and looks really odd but I cant figure out why. Might be the lack of three pounds of slap on her bake.

Jade is doing a rather intriguing version of Freak Like Me. She's kit out in a latex cat suit that she must have been sewn into. Something isn't right about this though. I don't know if her voice is still dodgy from the problems she's been having with her throat or if it's the wrong key or if it's the dancing, which we've not really seen from her. But she just seems to be having problems. Something sounds missing.

Gary says she's come back fighting, but that her vocals are weaker than usual. Nicole says it was frightening and she didn't get it. Love, from the woman who puts Rylan up there for us that's going a tad far. She says it seemed like she was awkward up there with all the choreography, and Louis goes on about how it was more style than substance which is fair enough - Jade is all about the unique tone to her voice and this did not show it up. Tulisa goes on about the themes and how they all have to try something different blah blah blah.

Blah is basically the theme for this week - I'm even struggling to find things to google image search to put up funny pictures. There's just nothing interesting going on at all, apart from Gary having a go at Tulisa's breath. Excuse me if I don't finish the rest of the blog, I might have fallen into a coma.

James is up next, and last, and he meets Labyrinth wearing a stupid looking trucker hat. Oh and he gets to perform on stage with Labyrinth at one of his gigs, but I'm more focused on how stupid the hat was. It was really stupid, you guys.

He's doing Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics and is doing so wearing a ridiculous amount of eyeliner. I know it's Halloween, but still like. I had read that he was doing something really heavy apparently, but this sure as hell ain't it. He's doing that thing where he basically wails all over the end of the song but he's at least not trying to pull his top off like it's electrocuting him. That might be cos he's wearing a jacket that looks rather like a straight jacket though. And basically that was alright, but nothing spectacular. Of course the judges will go nuts for it. Louis calls him dark and intense, but presumably anything other than Jedward would be dark to him. Tulisa goes on about him taking old school songs and making them modern and stuff about him being relevant and current and stuff. Gary love love loves him, and Nicole says he's the difference, whatever that means, and James himself looks utterly nonplussed.

And that's yer lot. Who will be going home tomorrow, I wonder? If it's not Christopher I will be very angry. So prepare for me to be very angry.

Night night.

Two Irish kids take on Rihanna

These kids are amazing!! Expect Louis Walsh to try to sign them up for X Factor, and for one of the contestants to immediately rip of their rendition of We Found Love.

Brilliant.

X Factor Live Shows: Live Blog 3

Well, it's the third week and I'm getting bored already. That's a good sign. Slightly raging that Melanie was voted off last week, but I'm not surprised. Especially when she was up against a boy band that everyone but Gary seems to love.

Also, in a complete lack of forethought or planning, I haven't eaten dinner yet, and have no junk food in. This could get messy, folks. I wonder if I could get Dominos to sponsor my posts? They'd just have to give me free food once a week....

Here we go folks, it's 'why don't I have anything better to do on a Saturday night time?!'

Recap of last week's performances, and it's people singing noises rather than words. Except for Rylan, strangely enough. Mostly cos he can't sing anything at all.

The dancing girls are back for Dermot this week, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. All he's doing is loads of twirls and some jumping around and backflips - yeah, cos that was definitely him and not a stunt double cos it's not like we just saw him run off stage at the start or anything....

It's Club Night tonight, so this is going to be...interesting.

Dermot starts out by asking Gary WTF is going on when he's lost two acts, and again, Gary has another go at the 'judges' *coughLouiscough* for not making the right decisions.

Louis is in a polo neck jumper tonight, which can only mean he's up to no good. That cheeky monkey.

Dermot is doing the phone numbers and everything and OH MY GOD GET ON WITH IT I COULD BE USING THIS TIME TO EAT DON'T WASTE MY TIME LIKE THIS.

Overs are up first, so it's Christopher Maloney first. Club Classics is a real natural for him, like.... Although given all the stuff in the papers maybe he just needs to capture his inner diva. Now we have Gary trying to say that Usain Bolt stole his bolt pose thing. Yeah, cos you're the sort of dancer people crib moves from, Gary. Totes.

I spent so long looking for that pic that I've basically ignored all of Christopher's performance of Waiting For A Star To Fall only to see him end a cheesy piece of shit with a cheesy punch to the air.

Nicole says it's hard to criticise his performance but a) I hasten to disagree and b) I think she's doing a pretty good job. Louis says he remembers buying that song before Tulisa was even born and goes into some odd reminiscence of the 80s, but says he likes it. Tulisa keeps it real by saying that she officially doesn't get it, it's too cheesy and not modern, etc etc. She has a go at Gary for having a go at Rylan for being cheesy but says Rylan is 'BabyBel, you're churning your own stilton here'. LOLZ Tulisa, lolz.

Christopher doesn't think it's cheesy but takes everything on board. How about taking it overboard and pissing off, mate, you're annoying and dull.

Hmm, apparently I'm more cranky than normal without my dinner in me. Wonder if I keep talking about the deliciousness of Dominos pizza will they bring me one? #blatantplug Soz folks!

Lulz, I'm not really sorry.

Surprise Surprise is coming back with Holly Willoughby presenting. Sorry, but it's nothing without Cilla singing/caterwauling 'Surprise SurPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE' all over the show.

MK1 next and they defend their performance last week - they love the song but they aren't a pop act. They're proper realz, yo. It shows them watching the results show behind the scenes and looking like they might be peeing their pants. They're concerned about choosing between overground/underground, but apparently they don't realise that the Oyster card works on both, and that they can womble free on both.

Oooh, Gary, even the Wombles are nicking your moves!! Sue 'em!!

So they're doing Crystal Waters' Gypsy Woman mashed with Pass Out. Um ok. They aren't bad exactly, but it's not a genius mash up or anything. I think 2 Many DJs are safe. Charlie's (look at that, I learned her name) vocals are a bit better than they have been in the past, but she's still just ok. I don't know what to think of these 'uns. I don't mind them at all, and don't mind their sort of music, but they aren't amazing. But then they're on the X Factor so they aren't gonna be.

Tulisa criticises them for doing Tinie, the first half with Gypsy Woman was better, and Gary agrees, says they need to be confident with their song choice blah blah blah. Nicole is all 'that was freaking shamaaaazing' and she wanted to bust moves to it, they brought the energy and fun, etc etc.

Jahmene is next and his VT is all emotional and about the stuff that's been in the papers about his family and the terrible things he's had to endure. I understand that it would be difficult to deal with that, but it's Club Classics week, liven up ffs. Also I might want the skirt Nicole is wearing in the VT.

And Jahmene is doing Say A Little Prayer. Um, not exactly what I'd call a club classic, but ok then. I think he's wearing one of the costumes that Marcus Collins left behind from last year, with his matching teal trousers and bow tie. His vocal performance is excellent, as usual, and the judges all fawn over him, also as usual. Louis tells him he's a little Ray Charles, Tulisa makes him cry by saying his whole life has led to this moment, Gary tells him not to move around the stage (lol) but he's great, and Nicole tells him he has bigger balls than anybody she knows. She's obsessed, that one.

James seems to have his guitar this week, which will no doubt make everyone lose their shit. You know what I wanna see him do, though? Wear those Deirdre Barlow glasses on stage. WHITHER THE DEIRDRE GLASSES, JAMES????

See, she misses them too. You're making her sad, James. I hope you can live with yourself.

Someone needs to come up with an option for live tv streaming on computers that allows you to pause to make yer dinner then fastforward through the ads. Get on it, folks.

Oooh, apparently this week in the Sun's Sunday magazine, Kelly Osborne talks weight loss secrets. I'm sure the secret doesn't involve being rich enough to afford a personal trainer, fancy gyms, training several times a week and expensive healthy food? Ok, I might be a bit bitter against all rich and thin people, but still. THERE IS NO FLIPPING SECRET TO LOSING WEIGHT, WE JUST NEED TO PUT DOWN THE FLIPPING CAKE.

Ok, back to the show - Jade is having problems with her vocal cords and she's not allowed to talk or sing all week, which she's obviously freaked out about. So Brian Friedman (dressed like a vampire tonight) helpfully freaks her out more. Twat. She's got purple/grey hair now (much like Kelly Osborn, funny enough) and she's singing You're Free in what I can only describe as a neon pink Hammer pants jumpsuit. That's committing to the theme, I guess. Her voice sounds ok, but a bit like she's trying to save it which is understandable. Also the arrangement of the song is a bit too repetitive for my liking. I think they tried too hard to modern it up with the production, it didn't get lively enough for my liking.

Gary says she did very well considering, Nicole goes on about her having to work it and lifting her voice up more (uh, did she not just hear that the girl is about to break her throat?). The way Nicole has a tendency to sing-talk things makes me think that Cheryl Cole might be right about her being a bit mental. Louis goes on about her having to have more energy and she didn't perform well enough this week and everything, and everyone has a go at him for not understanding that she was under doctors orders to rest, including Dermot. Heh, I love it when they gang up on Louis, the big eejit.

They ought to stick one of these on the front of the judges' desk.

And the Mail on Sunday has Pippa Middleton's personal tips for entertaining. Interesting. Perhaps an attempt to repair her image after the eejit with the gun in Paris? Cos pictures of you walking around smiling with a plate of nibbles will totally make people forget about firearms-related misdemeanors.

James is up next, and there's a terribly dramatic VT about his panic attack after the performance last week. Nicole, during his rehearsal is going on yet again about baby oil and is basically feeling up her boobs in front of him - seriously, girl is mental.

So he's doing an acoustic version of Sexy And I Know It, with a load of sexy dancers in leopard print leotards prancing about, no doubt about to give him another heart attack. I would like this a helluva lot better if it hadn't been done by that bloke on the internet whose name I forget ages ago. I can't remember the internet version well enough to know how the arrangements compare, but consider me skeptical until I can compare them. Which will have to wait until the next break.

Louis goes mental about how great he is, and if I were James I'd not be wanting to be left alone in a room with Louis. Tulisa says it was good to see him have fun instead of something all intense and Gary cannot control himself, says it was the performance of the series so far. Um, that's going a bit far, and Nicole is just as surprised as me.

Another Direction are up next (btw, all the One Direction puns have been flying so freely around the internet that I do not take ownership of that phrase, nor A Slightly Different Direction or No Direction or any of the others). Their VT is all about how girls find them so sexy, and they're so popular with the girls, and girls love them and OH MY GOD WE GET IT ALREADY.

They're sitting around some platformy things trying to look all pensive and shit (mostly looking like they need to take a shit) and they're singing When Love Takes Over. Their routine thus far involves taking turns standing on different steps of the platform. Well, I suppose that's better than stools. Now they're off the platformy thing, there are some pyrotechnics in the background (or a rather serious problem with the lighting rig) and that's basically it. A bit lame for Club Classics week, but this lot could take a piss on stage and they'd still get voted through.

Tulisa says they were great, get stronger every week, just the beginning, blah blah blah bored now. Gary says they're witnessing the birth of a brand new boyband. And much like childbirth, that is something I do not wish to see. Gary and Nicole both want more harmonies from them, and Nicole wanted more energy and starts into technical stuff about harmonies and notes and things but I'm distracted by her unusual hand jewelry that has chains on it which would distract the shit out of me.

Ad break and I'm able to compare Noah (that's the kid on the internet) and James' acoustic versions of Sexy And I Know It and they're veeeeeeeeery similar. If I were that Noah kid, I'd sue. (But please don't call me as a witness kthxbai):

I mean ok, it's the same song so there will obviously be similarities, and James did it at Judges' Houses which I think I missed, but still. It's like when someone (Matt Cardle, possibly?) did Britney but it was exactly the same as the Travis version, and everyone creamed their pants over how original and brilliant it was.

But anyway, show is back on and it's Rylan and lots of his caterwauling/crying over getting through. They're trying to go for the sympathy vote by showing pictures of him looking ginger and a bit chubby as a kid and how he got bullied. He goes to the hairdressers and a hairdresser who looks a bit like James Arthur with his glasses on tries to shave off Rylan's beard and he wails the whole way through.

Rylan is in some bizarre slightly space-agey get up and once again can't sing. Why can't they find him a song where the fact that he can't sing isn't so feckin obvious?! I'd like his nonsense a helluva lot more if he could hit the odd note here and there. Once again, he's doing a mash up of everything under the sun, and does a little 'I'm sorry for my behaviour' thing in the middle, after all his drunken shenanigans this week, but it's just well weird.

Louis thinks they need him in the competition, he's full of energy, blah blah blah. Tulisa tries to make Gary laugh by asking if he wants a bite of the Baby Bell, and says she always wants to see him perform because it's entertaining. Gary talks about how it's not fair that a talented person has to go home to keep him here, says he should have been the best performance cos it's Club Classics but he was the worst. Nicole goes on about how he's the only one dancing this week, and clicks her fingers a lot. I don't know how Gary stopped himself from snapping them fingers right off her hand.

Rylan looks like he might puke afterwards and just thanks everyone and thanks Brian Friedman who is apparently leaving this week. Is that why he's dressed like Dracula?

Lucy Spraggan is up next and her VT is all about her and Rylan's antics after the show on Sunday night, and apologises for upsetting anyone. Eh, who cares. Apparently she's written part of the song she's doing, but I'm not sure what that means, exactly. It seems to be some sort of re-write of Titanium? I'm not too sure about it though. She can't quite get the high notes of the Titanium chorus, and it's a bit lacking in energy. Not so much from her point of view, but in the overall production or something. Just something doesn't sound quite right or convincing enough about it.

Gary says it's another innovative performance, and that she keeps surprising them and keeping them guessing. Apparently doing anything with an acoustic guitar on stage will get Gary to go mental about you. I wonder if I show up at the auditions next year using a tennis racket for a guitar would I get through? Nicole says she was great, Louis says her new hair is good (um, it doens't look new?) and has a go about her having more fun off stage. What a bitch. Told you he was wearing his mischevious polo neck. Tulisa shuts him up and Lucy is basically 'what do you expect, I'm 21'. Which is fair enough, she just got a bit drunk and fell over. Happens to the best of us. Well, the falling over bit happens to me anyway - that's why I don't drink, I'm enough of a disaster sober.

I imagine this is Louis's profile picture right now.

There's an advert on with a giant robot and teddy bear and some kids. Don't care what it's for, I'm buying what they're selling cos GIANT TEDDY BEAR. Well, except I'm not buying it cos it's an advert for Ikea and I have literally no more room for anything for Ikea in my house. Not to make it sound like my house looks like one of their catalogue pages - I'm not about to go on some Fight Club spree - more that I have no surface areas left upon which to set anything. Including myself, rather often.

Kye is next and omg he bores me. His hair, his guyliner, his stupid facial hair, his rubbish songs. The VT shows Gary going through his performance with him and pointing out everywhere he's flat, which is basically everywhere, and tells him there were 32 flat notes. Gary really is an old fart if he counted them. Gary basically tells him he was rubbish and is getting worse, which apparently gave him his confidence back? Ok, but you still need a hair cut, love.

And he's performing on top of a rubbish heap with a keyboard and I'm still bored. He's doing Save The World by Swedish House Mafia, but it's more like Belgian Bungalow Consortium for how dull it is. It's basically this big intense (supposedly) balladic interpretation, but it's not doing anything for me. Gary nods his head like Churchill the Dog, and Kye takes a while getting off the rubbish heap. But maybe he should just stay there -

Of course, the judges are all over it, it was epic and amazing, and his mojo is back, and he was like Chris Martin. Like another boring twat who is inexplicably popular, then? Ok.

District 3 next, and apparently their problem was that they need to show their personality and fun side. This seemingly involved them showing some of their own ace moves to Brian Friedman. Judging from Friedman's reaction, that's why he's leaving the show. So they're doing Plan B and completely copying his style and almost exactly ripping off his album cover while they're at it. The one with the hat has even taken his hat off. Yo, this shit just got real, bro.

Now they seem to be having a problem with the sound because they're repeatedly asking for the music to be turned up. Oh no wait, it's a mash up of Rihanna. And a dancer old enough to be his ma just felt up one of the kids. That wasn't awkward... Oh and one of them did a back flip, so I'm just waiting for Louis to cal them the new JLS. Just you wait, it'll happen.

Tulisa says it's a good job they showed their confidence after being in the bottom 2 last week, cos that's what girls like. Which is obviously the key to winning the competition. Gary even likes them and calls them a revelation. Nicole goes on again about baby oil. Can someone get this woman a cold shower. And Dermot too, apparently, as he's even trying to get a look in at hat-boy's abs. You're a married man, Dermot, behave yourself.

Ella is last up after the break, and apparently she's planning a shocking peformance. If it involves attacking Louis with a tazer, I'm on board with that.

This feels like the longest ad break ever. Maybe that's just cos I know I get to eat food after this is over.

Ella's VT is all about how Adele tweeted her last week, and about how Ella apparently dances. Brian is tres excited about this. She's doing You've Got The Love and so far her dancing is all arms and hands. Ooh, spoke too soon, there was a hip wiggle. I don't want to rain on her parade, but the dancing isn't doing it for me. It looks too choreographed and not natural enough. And too focused on the arms. It was all about the arms, and I was a bit worried for a while that she got chewing gum stuck to the bottom of her shoes.

Gary says she doesn't need to dance, especially not moves done by Steps, she should say no in the future. Tulisa and Nicole start on Gary about his not being able to dance, and Nicole basically says that she's the only one able to critique dancing on the show (big head, much?) and that she did great, says it was effortless and natural. Clearly this woman is on something. Tulisa tries to copy Nicole's singing-talking thing which is just weird, and Louis loves her as usual. Ella says she just wanted to feel 16 tonight and have some fun, which is perfectly fine and basically Gary needs to shut up because:

So there.

They do the recap and put me off my impending dinner by reminding me of Christopher Maloney. Ugh. Can he please go? He is not going to sell pop records, never, ever, under any circumstances. At least Rylan has the courtesy to have a certain WTF factor to him, even if he's rubbish.

And that's yer lot, I'm hungry, see yous next week. Or before if something really mad happens, so keep your fingers crossed everybody!

On the subject of chicken noodle soup...

Dear Heinz,

I am writing to ask you to please cease and desist from your horrendous and frankly inhuman practice of putting sweetcorn in chicken noodle soup. This is a disgusting and repulsive habit, and I cannot in good conscience buy anymore of your products, until I have assurances that you will no longer insert heinous sweetcorn into yummy, yummy chicken noodle soup.

I love soup, you see. I have seen several of your adverts on television for the joys of soup on cold, wet, windy winter days, and I was therefore inspired to have soup for my lunch today. Since all I have at my disposal in work to prepare said soup is a microwave, I thought I would buy a can of your chicken noodle soup. How bad could it be? I thought to myself. Surely all chicken noodle soup is basically the same, right? WRONG. I was terribly, horribly wrong. For this chicken noodle soup not only has the aforementioned reprehensible sweetcorn in it, but also contains peppers (which in my opinion, overpower the chicken taste) and on top of THAT, it's too thick and not thin and brothy enough.

Now, I know that the current trend seems to be for thick, creamy soups. But there are still those of us out there who like a thin, brothy type soup. I may not be trendy or cool or fashionable for liking this, but given that every other one of your soups is thick, you'd think that you would at least have the decency, the common courtesy and humanity, dagnabit, to provide something for the rest of us. I thought that your chicken noodle soup would be it, but I was wrong.

Now my day is ruined and I feel like I want to barf. SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, HEINZ??!!!! I'm having to eat Haribo to get rid of the taste of that wretched sweetcorn and I'm getting heartburn. My day's productivity is ruined, and I am strongly considering seeking legal advice to sue you for emotional and physical damages, as well as for loss of income as I will surely not be able to continue working today after such a scarring and distasteful experience.

Yours,

Disgrunted soup-lover.

X Factor 2nd Live Show: Live Blog

It's....the...second...live...show...live...blog!!!

OMG you guys, what is going to happen?!!! Is Gary going to punch Louis? Is Rylan going to find the ability to sing in tune? Is Louis going to have any clue what's going on?

Let's....find............OUT!!!

Gary can't look at Louis, apparently, cos he's so outraged about last Sunday night. Or maybe just cos he's Louis, who knows? I'd find it hard to have to sit next to him and not smack his daft wee face.

Dermot enters this week without any backing dancers. Wut?!!! Only some lame-o golf swing move, no Gangnam Style nor nothing?!! Pah. The judges come in to Two Tribes Go To War, and so far no one looks too murderous, although Dermot goes on about if looks could kill. Then they recap - again - what happened last week. Yeah, we get it, Louis was a dick, Gary threw a strop, Rylan threw a crying fit.

To "clear the air", Dermot asks Louis what happened, and Louis insists that he just couldn't choose. Gary shakes hands with him, says it's a new day. YOU REALLY ARE A BORING FART GARY, YOU SHOULD HAVE TWATTED HIM THERE AND THEN.

FFS, it's like they don't know they're just there to make ridiculous television.

I don't seem to recall this from last year, but lol.

The theme this week is love and heartbreak. Bleh. Nicole kicks off the show with Jahmene. Apparently Yoko Ono tweeted him after his performance of Imagine last week and she thought it was great. Why does anyone care what she thinks SHE BROKE UP THE BEATLES THE HEARTLESS COW. Jahmene talks about being 21 and not having found the right one so far, and some nonsense about love and what not. Brian Friedman wants him to basically shag the microphone stand right in front of everyone, which, lol.

Ok, so now he's singing and something that I don't recognise which mashes in with Ain't No Mountain High Enough and it takes a while for him to get going. The start of it is a little too low for him, seems like. Once it gets to the chorus and everything, he's able to take it up a key change and it's much more in his comfort zone. Nicole is up and dancing around the place and pumping her fists in the air, as is her rather annoying want.

Louis slabbers all over him about how he's one of his favourites ever, Tulisa can't fault him on anything and says the ladies will love him, Gary calls it a great simple vocal performance and credits him for listening to his advice. Nicole starts calling him babycakes and various things and tells him he was born to be on the stage. So so far, so usual. Dermot also can't keep his hands off of Jahmene's head for some odd reason. Dermy, I do love you, but you can be an odd one. 

First ad break and already I'm in danger of ODing on crispy M&Ms. I might be in danger of a carb coma. Mmmm, carbs. Damnit, now I want a pizza. Nommmmm. There's a break on for Plenty kitchen roll and I have to say, when the fake Spanish bloke talks about Jill from 'Wolveringhampton' I do do a little lol. It's a slightly shameful one, but it's a lol nonetheness.

There's an ad on for Frank Bruno's 'shocking story' in the Sunday Mirror tomorrow. Is Frank Bruno even still a thing?

Christopher Maloney is on next for Gary and the overs. Gary says he doesn't want to change Christopher cos he's great as he is, but I hasten to disagree. Louis has the cheek to call him 'Mr Cheese' though. FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US JEDWARD, FOLKS.

Christopher is doing Alone by Heart, which is one of my guilty pleasure, sing-with-the-desk-fan-blowing-in-my-face songs on my Desk Karaoke playlist. I cheese the shit out of that one, but he's trying to make it a bit more rock ballad, along with some cocktail bar scenario going on in the background which is just well weird. He's also grinning oddly, given that it's a song about heartbreak.

I mean, his vocals are all well and good, but this isn't exactly an original or remarkable performance if you ask me. I stand by my insistence that no one will buy his records, outside of grannies, but apparently no one agrees with me. Nicole thought he was fantastic and is very impressed. Louis says he gave it everything, possibly too much, and says it was very cabaret and cruise ship. It makes me feel icky, but he might have a point. Tulisa says the magic word that he's not current, Gary says he doesn't need to be current. Umm, ok then....

Next up, a Slightly Different Direction. Or Union J as they're apparently known as. To be honest, I'm struggling to tell the difference between the two boy bands that Louis has, since they're all shite, generic and bland. But then that's my reaction to basically all boy bands ever, so I may be a bit biased. Louis is yabbering on in the VT about how he knows more about boy bands than Gary thinks, but again, THIS IS THE MAN WHO INFLICTED JEDWARD, BOYZONE AND WESTLIFE UPON US.

Anyway, Another Direction are singing Bleeding Love. They're seemingly modelling Topman's Autumn/Winter 12 catalogue as they're all in their coats with baldy trees in the background. They wander towards the audience and the teenage girls lose their shit and Louis creams himself in his chair. It's just missing a dozy Irish lad to be exactly, completely like One Direction. Seriously, it's slightly terrifying.

Tulisa tells them it's much better, a much better song choice and says they have a lot of potential because of a strong female following. Gary says it's a total transformation from last week and again takes pot shots at Louis. Nicole does the fake-out 'I hate to be the one to break it to you' thing, and says they have everything, and that they'll sell out the O2 one day. And be selling O2 phones in Carphone Warehouse about three years after that.

Union J, behold your futures....

We're back, and Ella is up next and we see Brian Friedman (I think) trying to weasel some information out of her about her love life, which is slightly creepy since she's 16. Then, of course, there's all the rumours about her and George from Union J. Who the hell cares if she has a crush on some other teenage kid on the show? Leave the poor girl alone. They talk about it here under the guise of 'ooh, it's love and heartbreak week, does she know anything about love or relationships cos she's a kid' but it's clearly a very manipulative attempt to create publicity out of teenage kids in a very bizarre and stressful situation. But anyway.

She's singing Loving You by Minnie Riperton and she actually manages to hit that high note. Holy effing shit. As you all know, I try my best to be as cynical as possible about this show, but she is honestly fantastic. Gary talks about the risk in the high note, but says that she completely nailed it. I can't imagine how nerve wracking it would be to have to sit that note on stage. Nicole says she's timeless, she's not a fad. Louis goes on about her being a worldwide recording artist, but has a go at Tulisa for trying to style her like Adele, but given that Ella has always done the whole 60s vibe, shut up Louis.

Apropos of nothing, but I want some soup. Bloody adverts, I'm so flipping suggestible. 

James Arthur is next and he takes Nicole to a pub where she apparently had some pork scratchings. Which she then had to gargle down with a pint. Lol. He's doing No More Drama so Nicole has Mary J Blige call him up. As you do, like.

He's got his coat on too, must be a right draught up on thon stage. Air con must be banjaxed or something. That must be it. Although it's making me want to wear my coat too. I got a lovely winter coat about March or so this year, and I literally had to tear it off me, I loved it so much and wanted to wear it all the time. James here seems to have mixed feelings about his coat, cos he keeps grabbing at it like he wants to take it off. Maybe it's itchy, it's that sort of wool that looks lovely but itches the crap out of you. I know that feel, bro, I'm a slave to fashion too.

I luvs coatz

Anyway, Louis loves it. Personally I wasn't that sold, it was a tad too shouty, but Tulisa thinks it was great cos he has so much pain in his voice. Gary says he can really, really sing but I wasn't hearing it there. Although in all fairness, it's sort of just one of those songs that doesn't afford a lot of room for big singing, it is all about the emotion. Nicole fawns all over him, of course.

Lucy is on next, and of course, her granny died this week so she's crying all over the VT. Which is perfectly natural, and I feel so sorry for her, I just hate the way they use it like this. She isn't trying to use it for anything, but the show is. Apparently she's doing an upbeat song and wants to make people laugh. And it's Gold Digger. Which is definitely not what I'd expect from her. She's got her guitar but there's production all over it, and she raps it and everything. This is actually really good. There are too many people on here that I like and cant really slag off that much. I even like her wee wooly hat. FFS, WHY IS THE X FACTOR TRYING TO RUIN MY SARCASTIC SKILLS??!!

Gary says it was great, Nicole says she swagged it out and made it her own, Louis loved her, Tulisa is proud of her for not going for the sympathy vote (even if the show tried to). And everyone was distracted by the bodypopping dancers, it seems.

Lucy got swag, y'al

District 3 are next. I might take a nap, something tells me I won't miss much. Louis thinks they can sing anything in the VT, and there's a lot of drama over the song choice too. Apparently they wanted to sing either Bieber or One Direction. Louis (rightly, for once) pooh-poohs the idea. They're doing I Swear by Boyz II Men which, in the VT, the band says they're worried about because it's a boy band doing a boy band song. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU SANG ONE DIRECTION YOU FUCKING TWATHATS?!?!?!!

They're on a rotating plinthy thing and it's the most interesting thing about the song. Tulisa thinks that they have great harmonies and that's why Louis picked that song for them. Gary goes full tilt in the opposite direction. He says they were all over the place, the song choice was wrong, the harmonies were off, etc etc etc. Louis is having a full conniption in the background, to which no one is paying attention. Nicole says they had good harmonies even though the last note was a bit flat but says she wants something more from them, like rubbing baby oil all over their bodies. Awk-ward. Nicole needs a cold shower.

Jade is next, singing Love is A Losing Game. Her tone is so unique to her that you almost forget that this is an Amy Winehouse song. And while I do really like the ton of her voice, the one thing she lacks here is the pain that Winehouse brought to the song. It isn't lacking in emotion, but it's a little too clean and classy or something? I'm not sure. It's hard to sing an Amy Winehouse song with the same levels of emotion though, given that she was a troubled genius with drug and alcohol addictions who died at 27.

Gary says it was amazing, he's stunned by her, blah blah blah. Nicole says she's like a beautiful, rare, exotic flower, and no one would know about someone like her without X Factor. Yeah, but we also wouldn't have had to endure Wagner, so y'know, swings and roundabouts. Louis loves her and Tulisa says she's proven that her voice is strong enough, etc etc.

Another ad break, and that John Lewis ad with Paloma Faith's cover of Never Tear Us Apart. I feel so conflicted about her version - I love the original song and love anything that reminds me of it, but don't like hearing this compressed, edited version that misses lines out. Mostly I just get frustrated when I see that advert cos I just want to turn off the telly and listen to the INXS version on repeat.

We're back and Dermot is in the audience looking scared by all the lunatic relatives of the contestants. He also reads out a tweet from Adele who loves Ella. Aww, I'm chuffed for her. We need more shit people in this competition, I don't like feeling anything else than loathing and contempt towards the contestants.

MK1 up next, and I'm still on the fence about these guys. Scratch that - they're 'urbaning up' Louis to make him look like a right twat. I LOVE THESE GUYS NOW!!!

They're doing Jackson 5 and I Want You Back. The girl (soz, forgetting names again) has much better vocals this week and he's rapping and stuff on it - this actually works. Which is incredibly odd given that Louis is their mentor. It should be a mess, but if they find the right producers and what not, these 'uns could be relatively successful. Maybe only for five minutes, but still.

Tulisa says they're the most fun on stage of all the acts, etc. Gary says the vocals were a little bit week and that it's a little bit too Glee, and not to let Louis have too much input. I think he's trying to get at Louis too much, but Nicole also didn't really feel it. She says it isn't something that would be on their album, cos they had more edge when they first saw them. I know where she's coming from, but even urban artists can occasionally have fun, like.

They show another picture of 'urbanised' Louis and I still didn't get a screen grab. Damnit!!!!

Kye next and Gary is going on about his credibility as an artist and everything. Sorry, but I'm still a bit bored by this bloke. He reckons he's the envy of every female in the country for having Gary Barlow's phone number though. MEGALULZ.

Kye is doing Rihanna/Eminem's Love The Way You Lie and - oh wait, it's an Eminem guest singer mash up? Cos now it's the Dido bit in Stan. Ummmm...no.

Nicole says it didn't grab her, Louis thinks there's something missing and he could do better. Gary and Louis start fighting about what is missing, but once again, I'm in the icky position of having to agree a bit with Louis. Tulisa says we're not seeing what Kye is all about, that he's not translating. Louis has another go at Gary, saying he's doing something wrong, Gary just about manages not to tell Louis to fuck off.

Rylan is up after the break and lord only knows what this is gonna be like.

Nicole introduces Rylan by making a slight duck face, and of course the VT is all about last week's drama and lots of footage of Rylan crying, and puns about Gary Borelow. Apparently Brian Friedman's choreography for this week includes Anna Wintour lookalikes, Karl Lagerfeld lookalikes, and sexy pandas.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!!

AND HE'S DOING A TAKE THAT SONG LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL - wait no, he just starts out with one and then goes 'I ain't really singing that, that was just for you, Gary'. Seriously, this shit just got real.

Ok, so he's actually doing Groove is in the Heart and then is all 'suprise' and starts doing Gangnam Style. Seriously, what is going on? Have I had a stroke? Now it's Pump Up The Jam. And there are dancing pandas.

This is weirder than when Jedward did Britney.

So of course Louis loves it. Tulisa says it's 'blinking entertaining' even if it is a bit karaoke and mad.

And now Gary. 'Rylan, if this was a competition for how many songs you could kill in two minutes, you would win'. He reckons that the bit at the start with the Take That song was the best bit. Rylan says he booked Gary a cab just in case. Gary comes back and says 'that's funny cos I've had yours on hold for two weeks'. Handbags at dawn, ladies.

I really don't know how to comment on all that. Yes, Gary is right, he can't sing, but that was just pure mental. I'm not quite at the stage where I appreciate him as a comedy act the way I do Jedawrd, but it's true that I couldn't take my eyes off of......whatever the holy fuck that was that was just on my tv. I think I'm gonna have to watch it again on ITV+1 when this is over.

Apparently the X Factor app or website or something has been asking who's getting it right, Gary or Louis, and the smugness nearly overcomes Gary when he sees he's winning with 72% of the vote.

Anyway, Melanie is up next and I really, really want her to do well. Her voice is so incredible and she seems so nice. She just seems so genuine and I literally made a :0 face the first time I saw her sing.

She's doing Never Tear Us Apart - I was wondering how long it would be for someone to do this on the X Factor. She's in a weird white flared trouser suit and is wearing way too much red lipstick. She's doing a version of this song that makes it sound a bit like a Bond theme. That's not necessarily a bad thing, mind. I think she might also be making Paloma Faith cry into her tea a wee bit with the way she's singing the shit clean out of this song.

Nicole says it was a brilliant job, that she can do everything. Louis calls her Scotland's Rock Mama, says he loves the way she can do old school and new school and everything (I do query the fact that he seems to think this was new school - it may be in an advert atm, but he does know it's an INXS song, right?). Tulisa calls her a MILF. OK. And Gary says she's great, of course.

And that's it. I'm still in shock over that whole Rylan performance. Everything else has been wiped out of my mind by the vision of dancing panda ladies. The recap of all contestants just confirms that I want Christopher Maloney to leave next, cos he's boring as shit and completely irrelevant and uncurrent and various other buzzwords that they like using on X Factor. I just noticed that Louis didn't call anyone a 'little' or 'young' anything this week though. Here's hoping it returns next week.

Adios till next week, folks!


Edit: Watching Rylan's bit back on ITV+1, ITV stopped it in the middle and said that they couldn't broadcast it for legal reasons for a few seconds, then went back to the end of Rylan's....whatever that was. Was it cos he went 'Rylan's Style' instead of Gangnam? Huh? I have no idea what legal issues there might have been there. If anyone knows, answers on a postcard as always. 

Also, it made no more sense on the second watch. PANDAS AND KARL LAGERFELDS FFS. 

Jonesing for Tucker

The Thick Of It is back on tomorrow night!! YAY!!

Seriously, if this is how much I miss it after it's not on for one week, some dark times are coming once this series is over :'(

X Factor 2012 Live Shows: Live Blog 1

Ok folks, it's that time of year again, are we ready? Are we ready to laugh our asses off, gasp in shock and pinch ourselves to check we're still awake and that this crap that passes for one of the most successful shows in tv history is actually on the telly and not just a twisted figment of our imaginations?

I've got my diet coke and junk food stash stocked to the max, I've got tabs open and ready for lolcat image searches, and I've wearing slipper socks.

To quote Malcolm Tucker, it's on. It's on like fat Pat's thong.

Indeed.

Damnit, shoulda gone to the bathroom first. I apologise in advance for being distracted due to an overwhelming need to peed.

Oh and of course they have Dermot coming on to Gangnam Style. AMAZING. Although he coulda made a bit more effort with the dance - I mean if the Ninja Turtles can do it, so you can you Dermy.

And here come the judges. Meh. Nicole's dress is a bit daft and mental with meshy bits and leather bits and Tulisa's is nice enough, but nothing very comment worthy. However Gary is officially sitting in between Tulisa and Nicole (who is wrangling with her dress to make sure it covers her boobs) - say it together, everyone - CATFIGHT!!!

And with that, they bring on the wild cards to reveal who got voted into the live shows. I could sincerely not give a shit about this. They're all a bit rubbish and dull. And surprisingly it's Chris Maloney who gets through - the one who looks like a squaddie/street cleaner but has a seriously huge voice, but not one that will sell pop records. Like, at all. He falls to the ground and starts shaking and crying immediately. He's gonna do my head in, I can tell now.

All the finalists come out now, too many to get a decent look at anyone but none of them look like they're wearing anything mental. Well, what's the point of that, then?!!

They're doing the numbers and stuff now, so it's more boring stuff. James Arthur gets a big cheer so far, which I don't like. He's gonna be a hate to hate one for me, I think. I was sort of on the fence about him (he very, very vaguely reminds me of my ex in one of those can't put my finger on it cos he doesn't really look like him at all, but there's still something there) but since he's been in the papers and what not this week, I've decided I really dislike him. He just seems like a massive twat to me.

Anyway, apparently they're singing songs tonight inspired by the Olympics and Paralympics athletes. Um, what now? Can you say jumping on the bandwagon, anyone?

We start with Louis's boyband who have changed their name from something that 'sounds like a virus' according to Sharon Osborne (lol) to District 3, which was chosen by the public exactly. Fucks sake. They spend like a minute and a half (their whole VT) talking about it, so clearly they're a band of substance.

They're standing on a platform singing something I can't place at first. Or at second. Seriously, what is this? I'm bored now. Something about a world of trees? They're trying to be all soulful and Mariah-ish with the vocals and it's utterly, utterly bland. Oh, right, it's Simply The Best, but not a version you would possibly recognise in a million years. Cos it's well shit. But they could probably take an actual shit on the stage and the teeny bopper girls would lap it up (euw, gross, I didn't mean literally) cos they're cutesy little teenages with boyband looks written all over them and very little else to show for it. And that's a format that's going pretty well for One Direction so far, so what do I know?

Tulisa says it's RnB vocals (I think cos it had harmonies? Wha?) and says they made it their own, etc etc, but told them to lose the boyband faces. How, with plastic surgery?

Gary says they were alright, they'll probably sit in the middle of the show tonight talent-wise. Hmph.

Nicole says they have a 'special place in her heart', blah blah, whatever. She says it might not have been the best song choice, and according to Louis it was their arrangement. That explains it. He says they're like a young Boyz II Men so mark 'Louis compares someone to a young <black artist>' off on your X Factor bingo cards.

And it's the first pee break of the night. BRB.

Are those yoghurt people doing another ad this year? If they have, I've missed it. Damn, that was genuinely the highlight of X Factor for me, aside from Jedward of course, who are one of the highlights of life. Instead there's adverts for corn and paint. Wooo, party on dudes! Oh no wait, the advert for paint is actually an advert for McDonalds (it's the one with the three painters with 3 is the Magic Number on it) - I genuinely forget that every single time I see it. Get new ad people, Mickey Ds.

Ugh, and now we've a thing about One Direction and now they're coming out. Boke. I'm so sick of those wee bastards. Apparently they love James Arthur. Well, that bodes well for him. Thank fuck, they were just there for a wee chat so I don't have to sit through their singing. Anyway, Nicole introduces The Arthur next.

Despite the fact that I have issues with him, he does have a decent enough voice. He's doing What Doesn't Kill You or whatever it's called by Kelly Clarkson, but it doesn't sound perhaps as daft as that might sound. However I feel like he's a bit lost on stage without his guitar. And holy lord he's trying to be Professor Green with a rap bit? Somewhat sick of people suddenly going rap in the middle of stuff on X Factor. It's getting a bit old now. Louis is talking about him being different and original but for me, the rap thing was neither. Louis also congratulating Middlesborough. Huh?

Gary says that he needs to keep his integrity, not let the edges get rounded off which I completely agree with. Nicole is argue-singing 'forget the traaaack, honey, you're better than the traaaaack'. That's...weird.

It's Gary and the overs next, with Melanie. I have to say, I effing love her voice. And her hair. And her personality. She's just so nice and lovely and then has this mentally 70s folk/rock star voice. As was brought up at judges houses though, her being apart from her kids is obviously gonna be a problem for her. Her little kid with the red hair is so adorable I almost think she's a child actor or something.

Anyway, Melanie is decked out like said 70s folk/rock star, complete with flares and scarves all over her mic stand, and she's doing With A Little Help From My Friends. I'm not sure that I am all that fond of this particular arrangement cos the Joe Cocker one will always be the ultimate for me, but she is killing it, it must be said. For such a quiet, gentle person she is full of confidence and has possibly the best voice there's ever been on this show. It's literally like being transported back to the late 60s/early 70s, she's completely authentic. Her real test will be when she has to do something more contemporary, but it's natural that Gary would give her something in her comfort zone for the opening week.

Nicole calls her a 'righteous babe' but says the song choice was a bit predictable. Louis rambles about Woodstock and hippies, Tulisa goes on about her confidence and vocals, and Gary thanks her for giving the overs category back its dignity. When Dermot questions Louis about Woodstock, Louis is all 'yeah! I saw the movie!'. Aww, bless, Louis.

Bless, he's just such an awful eejit. It's almost like they let a real-life Fr Dougal on the telly.

Second ad break gone, and I've only half a bottle of diet coke left. Shit's getting real, people.

Tulisa next (who, by the way, looks uncomfortably squeezed into her dress with super cheap looking costume jewellery) and Lucy Spraggan. She's the one who does her own stuff, and she will be singing her own song tonight. I'm not really sure how that will work - it might be a bit comparing apples and oranges between her and the other acts. But then again, her talent is more the songwriting than her voice, so it makes sense but on the other hand, this is not a songwriting competition. And on the imaginary third hand, I'm thinking far too hard about the X Factor.

So, she's doing her song which I think they said was called Mountains. They've got a string-y backing track over it which I think makes it a bit blander than is necessary, but I guess they're trying to make her sound more accessible to the usual X Factor audience.

It's a decent wee song - I really hope this girl does get a record deal out of this one way or another, she's a damn sight more talented than the other fluff that's been on here over the years. It's witty but a sincere and honest and touching song about struggling for your dreams and what not - she's obviously not just a one trick pony with comedy songs.

The one thing that confuses her about me is the accent she sings with - it bears little resemblance to the one she speaks with. But then given that everytime I sing, I pretty much do an impression of the person singing, I'm hardly one to talk.

Gary tells her not to leave any of her talents in the dressing room, Nicole loves her storytelling, Louis says she's a bit like Victoria Wood and Kate Nash. Megalulz. Tulisa harps on about how she wrote the song herself and how it stood up with all the other covers etc etc. I would worry that she's not as overly shiny and spectacular as some of the others - which I think is actually a good thing, but I don't know if that means she'll be hanging around long enough on the show. Which is why I hope someone snaps her up so she can have a proper career.

Another flipping break? Jesus wept, ITV're getting their ad money for the year in tonight alright.

Right, we're back and it's Louis's category and MK1. I feel like I've only seen snippets of these 'uns so far, but I seem to recall thinking they were alright. Whether they have more substance remains to be seen, but they seem like they're a bit of craic anyway. And it's driving me nuts trying to figure out who the girl (Charlie, I think?) reminds me of. I feel like she's the imagine of someone but I dunno who - answers on a postcard, plz.

They're doing Something I Think I'm Too Old To Know. She's doing the singing (not terribly well, truth be told), and then they both rap. I'm on the fence, her vocals just aren't strong enough for this, she's getting out of breath with the dancing and getting lost underneath the backing track. She's also wearing Caterpillar boots. Wat.

Tulisa says the vocals weren't quite strong enough, but their energy was great, good to see someone urban, etc etc. Gary wants to know what Louis chose about what went on on stage, and basically tries not to laugh in his face. Hee. Nicole says they're one of the most relevant artists in the competition - 'relevant' must be on the bingo card, right? Louis then says they could be the new N-Dubz - LOLOLOLOLOLOL - and Tulisa says hells no cos N-Dubz are coming back. You heard it here first folks, the Armageddon is upon us.

Bloke MK1 (soz, never got his name) says that the performance was totally 50-50 between then and Louis. Srsly guys, my sides hurt from the laughing here. Louis Walsh as an urban guru. Who's his influences, Mr T?

We've got wild card Christopher Maloney next and the VT is full of the stuff about his nerves. Cos there doesn't seem to be anything else to say about him. He's singing Hero and it's snoozeworthy. I mean, yeah, of course he can sing, but it's so dated to me. Also, whatever sort of jacket they've got him in looks like a bomber jacket from the 90s but dressier, so it's basically like they invented a Scouse tuxedo.

To be fair, his nerves don't seem to be bothering him too much. He's not doing a wile lot of moving around, but then there's not much you can do to that song.

Nicole says she doesn't recognise him without the nerves, but that sometimes you need some burger with that cheese. Making a mental note of that one - cheers, Nic. Louis then accuses him of 'getting a new colour - were you on a cruise ship lately?' Fuckin hell, Louis - you're one to talk. Tulisa says he needs to switch it up - 'if he's here next week'. She's clearly not expecting him to be. Gary tells him to lay off the sun beds. Maybe it looks different on telly than in the studio, but I think he doesn't look as orange as he did in the auditions, but whatevs. At least Dermy had a go at Louis for it. God love wee Dermot.

Right, is it my imagination or have there been like eleventy billion adverts for dancing video games on lately? I feel exhausted just from watching all the ads, nevermind playing the bloody games. Not that I'd play any dancing games, of course My awesome moves must be allowed to roam free, much like a jackal in the wild. And by strange coincidence, my dancing often looks like I ought to be an animal on four legs rather than two, with no sense of musical rhythm or timing.

...not unlike this...

And we're back after the break and it's Louis's last group of the night, Union J. They're clearly dying to be the next One Direction. They used to be a threesome but they added George and now they're 'really special'. But the way Louis says that makes it sound a bit more like special needs. Which says more about Louis being a bit off his rocker than them, tbf.

So they're doing Queen. Oh fuckin hell, is nothing sacred?! They're doing Don't Stop Me and it gets all dancy and they're wobbling all over the notes to sound all 'ooh, look at me, I can sing!' when it actually just sounds like 'ooh, look at me, I'm trying to sing like a woman instead of belting the fuck out of this rock classic like it bloody well deserves'. Fucking children. It's just well weird, this. Not liking it at all and I'm usually jumping around with a hairbrush at the merest hint of this song.

Tulisa says she wasn't feeling it and it was dated - Louis insists it was fun and like 'something out of Glee'. Gary agrees, says it wasn't right and blames Louis, who then says the song was too big for them but he didn't want to play it safe. Yeah, Louis, the edgy funk-meister. Nicole tries to comfort the boys by congratulating them for performing as four piece for the first time, but basically they all agree that Louis is a twat.

Jade Ellis is next singing Enrique Igelsias apparently? Yikes. We have another VT of a mother crying over missing her kid. I don't doubt at all that Jade and Melanie are sincere in missing their kids when they're away from them, but ffs, can the producers not find something else to talk about? Are we really so thick and shallow that we need the sob stories wheeled out like this? Yeah, ok, look what I'm talking about. Off my high horse.

Anyway, she's doing Hero and it's actually really kind of ok/good. The instrumentation and arrangement on it, as well as her kind of edgy-ish voice makes it a lot less cheesy than you might expect it to be. It's all getting a bit urban, and it's a bit different. Well, for X Factor, like.

Gary says she's been hiding away till now but to keep doing what she's doing. Nicole calls her hot, but says it was in the wrong key for her to showcase her range (which I agree with - while she was good, it didn't show off her voice as much as it could have done). Louis utters the magic word - likeability - and says she looks like an international pop star. Tulisa, her mentor, says she's brill and other positive stuff (sorry, sorta drifted off there). I'd be very surprised if she's not here next week, she definitely should be.

Kye (who I kep forgetting exists) and Rylan are up after the break and THANK THE BABY JEEBUS Rylan looks pure mental - face full of slap and some sort of top/dress made out of gold chains I think? on him. Not quite Johnny's tin foil suit from last year, but damn close.

Let's all take a moment to remember what Louis did to this poor man.

Another interminable ad break, that includes one for DIY shop (which I'm only aware of cos of adverts) Wickes. It's the sort of ad that's aimed more at men who take their DIY seriously - what sort of crossover do they think there is with the X Factor audience here?

We've also got that John Lewis ad with Paloma Faith's version of Never Tear Us Apart on it. I can't make up my mind how I feel about her version. So far I think I don't like it, but I haven't actually heard it in its entirety yet. I predict her to pop up on X Factor whoring it around at some point within the next few weeks.

Rylan is up next. Brace yourselves, darlings. In the VT, he's having a ball with the photoshoots and picking fashion and stuff - I get that he's super camp, but he needs to tone it down a bit. And apparently he's getting a lot of shit on the internet about being picked, including death threats. Which is going a tad far, like. I mean, especially when Louis is on the show, y'know? (disclaimer: I'M KIDDING, I'M NOT MAKING OR ENDORSING DEATH THREATS AGAINST ANYONE PLZ DON'T ARREST ME KTHXBY).

So, Rylan is doing Gold by Spandau Ballet. Perfect choice - super cheesy, a super dancy version of it too, but it still has proper singing in it. However. His vocals are not living up to it. Whether it's nerves, or too much going on on the stage or what, I don't know, but he's just not strong enough in the places where you have to really sell it. Nicole is on her feet, fist punching the air as is her want, and Rylan is giving it his best bitch face.

Louis says he thought he's seen everything on the X Factor until this (again, I refer you to the photo above). His vocals aren't strong enough and he won't please everyone but he likes it. Tulisa says his vocals were on point (what the hell was she listening to) and he was fun.

Then comes Gary. He basically tears Rylan a new one, tells all the other judges to be ashamed of themselves for letting him get through. Nicole tells him to stop being a boring old fart, and tries to embarrass him by bringing up the video for Do What You Like which does make him blush slightly. She tells Rylan he was fierce, he brought it and every other cliche in the book and says his vocals were fine. NO THEY WERE NOT.

Dermot replays Rylan's reaction to getting through at judges houses (which was super funny as he looks like he's having a seriously constipated shit, basically) and Rylan says that's how he reacts to everything - 'birthdays, bar mitzvahs, you name it'. Lulz. He might need to work on his vocals a bit, but he is a bit of a laugh at least. And god knows, we need the ridiculous on this show.

Kye is next and his VT is full of something or other, I dunno, I'm bored now. I wanna jump around on my bed singing Gold (and singing it better than Rylan - boo yah), but anyway - Kye's singing....something? Whatever it is, he sounds every so slightly out of tune in one or two places so far. Also sounds like he can't sing so well when he's walking, as he goes a bit wobbly walking from behind the judges to the stage. He's doing Man in the Mirror, which I always take a while to recognise so that's not his fault.

However. It's just not working for me. He's singing his heart out and he's got plenty of energy and everything, but I think it's the staging that's leaving me a bit cold. He's got a gospel choir in the background somewhere, but the stage is mostly dark and it sort of sucks the energy out of the room a little bit for me.

Nicole starts out with the comments, tells him to take the moment that he's worked so hard for in. She doesn't actually say if she liked him though. Louis says he's paid his dues, he's got the talent, he's gonna get a record deal. Tulisa also goes on about how he's waited for this his whole life - seriously, do they think he's about 70 or something?! Gary complains that the production budget was spent on Rylan's performance, which I think bears my point above out. Anyway, they all seem to think he's amazing.

My thoughts exactly, cat. My thoughts exactly.

The youngest contestant is up next, Ella, and I still cannot believe that girl is 16. At my grand old age, I feel incredibly smug when I see youngsters who look way older than their age, and think of how pissed they will be when they're my age and they look about 40, and yet I still get mistaken for a 22 year old. Yes, I know that is incredibly up myself but it's literally the only thing I have going for me in life DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.

Ahem.

Anyway - Ella. She's singing Rule The World apparently. Oh joy.

This girl has a tremendous voice, and you would never believe she's 16 from the power and confidence of her, but what a bleh song choice. Of course, the judges aren't going to have that opinion, but that's just me. And the audience are clapping along. Ugh, they should be electronically zapped immediately when they start doing that inappropriately.

Ella is dressed almost like some sort of 50s Alice in Wonderland, which I am digging. I love a prom dress and tights.

And I have to say - she's really killing it. This is miles better than the Take That version, she has so much more passion and emotion in her voice than that lot of wet lettuces (soz Gaz). She's in complete control of the song and my only teensy weensy little niggle is that she slightly loses control of her vibrato in the final soaring note, but that is a nit pick.

Gary is pure sickened that she sang it ten times better than him, and congratulates her. Nicole gives her a standing ovation, says she's from another planet and sounds like she's gonna cry. Bloody yanks. Louis says it was definitely better than the original and says she's the best female singer on the show since Leona Lewis. Tulisa says she's untouchable and showed everyone else how it's done. Only problem with her is that she's possibly started too high - it will be hard for her to keep this sort of standard up the whole way through.

Carolynne next and I'm a bit predisposed to not liking her cos she's a little bit country and I'm a whole lot not. Well, in fairness, I like a lot of artists that could vaguely fit into the country genre, but they're the more alternative ones not the cheesy ones, which is more her. Anyway.

She's doing Starships by Nicki Minaj.

Yes, you read that right. Nicki Minaj. It's not working at all for me. She's giving her all that with the 'tude and everything, and I get the point of taking a song you wouldn't expect from her, but that doesn't mean she can actually do it. It sounds dated and boring and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nicole says that she did her thing on it despite it being a bold choice but she needs to loosen up. Louis says she could be the UK version of Shania Twain. Who saw that one coming? Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Tulisa nitpicks the song choice saying that it doesn't fit with the theme of heroes and inspiration and shit, which is just stupid. Can't remember what Gary said cos I'm TOO BORED TO STAY AWAKE AT THIS POINT and more concerned about the shooting pains in my left shoulder. That's never a sympton of anything serious, right?

Btw, I am wearing reindeer jammie bottoms. Just thought you all should know that.

Jahmene is next and of course it's all about his nerves. In his case, it really is more than just nerves and it's clear that it won't be that easy for him to overcome them. He's doing Imagine, and he's sat on a stool surrounded by candles. Louis must be creaming himself right now.

Ooh, he got off his stool - Louis might explode. Good job Jahmene is a solo artist and not in a group. Now that he's on his feet, a gospel choir appears from nowhere and he starts doing the vocal acrobatics all over the show. He isn't exactly moving much, and I think it would be better if the choir fucked off somewhere to allow the focus to remain solely on him.

He has an exceptional voice, that's fairly undisputed, but the song choice was a bit meh for me. He did really well with it, but it's just impossible to do anything with that song in my mind. Louis loses his shit over him, Tulisa says he's the best male vocal they've ever had, Gary tells him not to oversing, and Nicole tells him he found his balls.

He's doing his nervous laughter thing when Dermot talks to him, which is definitely going to get on my nerves after a while, but he doesn't look like he's going to vomit so that's progress.

And that is that. First live show over. All in all, fairly uneventful - there are too many genuinely talented people in it this year, the cheese factor is relatively low which does not look good for me. What am I meant to do if there's very little to take the piss out of?! WON'T THEY THINK OF THE BLOGGERS?!!!

As they do the recap, I realise that I still don't know what the hell the song was that MK1 did. Apparently it was Champion by Chipmunk feat. Chris Brown. Yeah, me neither.

Apparently Leona Lewis is on tomorrow night. God she's dull. Gary, Dermot and Nicole are on Jonathan Ross right after this but I honestly don't know if I can shit through more of this shit, especially given that Taylor Swift is also on and I've decided recently that I can't stand her.

I think a palate cleanser of The Thick Of It is required.

Laters, dudes. 

But apparently The Thick Of It isn't on this week. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK?!! Well fine then. I'll just watch Malcolm Tucker describe Star Wars on repeat on You Tube. Fucks sake.