Our theme for this week is Love and Heartache. Or in other words, snooooooooze fest. Seriously, whither the Wagner? Wherebe the Jedward? Will Sharon at least throw something at someone? Entertain us, for the love of Jebus.
Dermot is wearing slightly looser trousers this week, but is still doing the Flash dance thing.
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| I think the show needs to commit and have everyone dressed as characters from Flash Gordon next week. |
Sam The Girl is up first, so of course her song is all about her husband, complete with wedding pictures (where she looked gorgeous, to be fair). She's singing Make You Feel My Love - so check Adele song off your bingo cards for this week. While she's obviously got a great voice, she doesn't have the personality in it that someone like Adele has, so it's a bit boring.
Of course the judges love it. Gary says she manages to take the bar up another level this week, it was stripped back and great. Nicole pronounces her name weird, but says it left her lukewarm and she didn't have the right tone. Louis calls her ScrewBo (seriously, like I'm not making this up), says she's going to be around for a long time and made it her own. Sharon shouts at Nicole and Sam says she doesn't want to be a one trick pony. Yeah, whatever, I'm more concerned about my dinner right now than what's going on here so STEP IT UP X Factor.
Kingsland Road are up next, and apparently the VT this week will be all about them going to the England game, in what seemed to be a desperate attempt to make them look less effeminate. Apparently they're doing Bruno Mars' Marry You. Literally the most awful, unromantic song ever, about someone who seems to put as much thought into a marriage proposal as most people do into choosing their laundry detergent.
But anyway, apparently they were all awkward idiots around the female dancers, and so far their performance is just them running around the place, till their 'brides' come out. Between the wedding bells over it, and the white ticker tape, it just sounds Christmassy to me. Although I actually like Christmas, so....
Also, apparently Louis caught the bouquet. Yeeaaaahhhhh.
Nicole likes it but criticises Gary for them not having any lead vocals. Louis loves it all, and says that him and Gary know more about boybands than anyone else on the panel - Gary's reaction to this is priceless. He looks like he vommed in his mouth a little. Much as the rest of us did...Sharon loves it and Gary goes on about their work ethic. Always a light entertainment winner, that one.
Dermot calls Louis Mr Lover-Lover, which makes us all vom again, and Nicholas is next. And he's singing Robbie Williams' She's The One. Uggggghhhhhhhhh. Apparently Nicholas is having trouble because he's never been in love, so because he has a crush on Nicole, they arrange for her to come and hug him and him to sing the song for her. That's....a little bit weird.
Then, to make it even weirder, some girl shows up at the end just as he's pointing to Nicole. Sharon calls the girl who showed up on stage a paedophile. Well, she actually calls her a paedeophile. Gary says he has an amazing voice, and that the performance was weird with the walking dead dancers who were wandering around. Nicole loves him and calls him natural and understated, and calls him easy on the eyes. AGAIN WITH THE EUWWWWWWWW. Louis calls him Baby Buble and goes on about the likeability factor. Another few checks off the bingo card then.
Abi is next and apparently she was majorly nervous last week, and apparently the cure to this is Nicole taking her bowling. I think Nicole would be better off trying to rid the poor girl of her headband affliction. Anyway, she's standing up this week and singing Kylie's I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head amongst a load of twirly umbrellas. Walking down the stairs seems to be scaring the shit out of her though, and given that I can fall while standing still, I feel her pain. However, she really can't get those high notes. It's just not suited to her voice and her range at all. The rest of the song is okish, but they're going to tear her apart for this. Not a good showcase of what she's about at all.
Louis says he's not crazy about it and she's better doing the singer-songwriter thing and that he can't get it out of his head for the wrong reasons. Sharon calls the judges all nuts, says it was a big risk for her, a very brave move, and that she needs more confidence. Gary says it was brave but it was a bit sleepy and something missing, but liked the creativity of it. Nicole says she much preferred her version over the original and calls her a hot tamale.
I want a sandwich. Can anyone help me out with that? Preferably some sort of toasted sandwich with melty cheese, and lots of meat. And maybe some fries.
James Arthur is in the audience and seriously needs to lay off the make up/fake tan/whatever it is. He looks weird. Being pasty-faced suits him better.
Anyway, Shelley is next and says she wants people to see that she's a nice person. Love, this isn't a nice person contest. The problem is you're completely inappropriate for the show. Apparently she's going to let out the fox or the beast, or some combination of both, doing Single Ladies by Beyonce. Of course, she manages to make it sound dated and awkward and about as current as Linda Martin doing Daft Punk
(ok, actually it's not that bad, but who needs an excuse to link that video). Ok, I do kinda love her personality, she's hilarious and everything, but she's never going to be a popstar.
Gary wishes her a happy 22nd birthday and is gobsmacked and says it wasn't for him. Which is about the nicest thing he could say. Nicole loves her energy but calls it sch-weird. Sch-seriously. Louis thinks she should be in Hairspray on the West End stage. Sharon asks everyone to vote for it, and Dermot brings her a cupcake with a candle in it for her birthday.
Miss Dynamix are being give a bye to next week cos Cece (the preggers one) got sick right before the show and was shipped off to hospital and the others couldn't learn the song as a duo in time. Depending on who goes tomorrow night, this could cause a bit of a stir (though obvs she's pregnant and they have to make sure she's ok, and it was literally right before the show so it's understandable that the other two couldn't change everything about in time).
Another break and I'm still waiting for that sandwich.
Sam, Sam, the Maybelline Man is up next and he's gurning that the other judges are complaining about his weak vocals. Well that's what you get for being a mediocre singer, innit. This week it's just him on a stool (well, he is Louis's contestant after all), on a light box, singing I Won't Give Up weakly, at least until the key change.
Sharon says he did really well. Gary gives him credit for taking a risk and says it's a massive improvement. Nicole says pretty much the same thing and Louis calls him the hardest working contestant he knows and a ready made pop star.
We've got Tamera next and her and Nicole bond over having holy grandparents. Come to Ireland, love, you can't throw a stone without hitting a holy Joe granny.
Anyway, she's got a fringe this week and looks a lot more like Rihanna than I've ever noticed before. She's singing Beneath Your Beautiful and it's definitely looking like she's gonna be the stand out from this series. You can practically see the pound signs in all the judges' eyes. As Louis says, she's got it all. Sharon agrees and tells her to do everything Nicole tells her, and says it was perfect. Gary says she's a superstar. Nicole goes on about how controlled her voice was etc etc. My comment is that that outfit would be better if it was a dress rather than a jumpsuit. Why are we still doing the jumpsuit, seriously?!
Luke Friend and his unwashed hair are next. I'm starting to really loathe this wee fella and I don't even know why. Just the mere mention of him gets me a bit ragey.
OMG they have that weirdo who auditioned with the picture of his cat in the audience. I never realised how much he looked like Mickey Flanagan before....
Luke is next and apparently his mum is basically stalking him. She's just desperate to wash his hair.
He's singing Let Her Go by Passenger, in a boat. Good song choice for him, but doesn't give him much chance to put his own stamp on it as it's not that different from the original. I still fail to see what's meant to be so amazingly original and individual and brilliant about him. Apparently any male acts on this show who don't look like boyband members are 'real artists' and amazing and unique just cos they're not that pretty. That was seriously not impressive.
Sharon says she has an awful soft spot for him, and loves his 'ooh-oohs' but also wants to know wtf is up with the boats, lining up Louis for the 'because he's sailing through to next week' joke. Gary says he was missing his edge (HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE ONE, GARY) but it was good. Nicole starts going on about edge and balls and various other things that don't make sense. Sch-unhinged. Louis is so busy being pleased with his boat joke that he just rambles something about him being great or whatever and loving his voice. Blah, blah, who gives a shit.
According to the app that judges the judges' critques, the public think Gary is making the right calls. Louis is only on 4%. Ha.
Rough Copy are next and apparently the pressure is on cos Nicole called them the best band on the show ever last week. Kaz talks a lot about his son and the cute little kid comes running in during rehearsal - Jesus, it's just like Joseph Whelan is back.
They're doing I Want It That Way. I wish they had done End Of The Road by Boyz II Men, cos I love it - entirely because of The OC. And let's face it, it is a better song. Had they done that with a video in the background of Seth and Summer, I think we can all agree they would win the whole show.
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| "Are you listening to Boyz II Men?" "I can think of no sadder song in the whole world" |
Nicole says they took a Backstreet Boys song and turned it into a Boyz II Men song, but to watch their pitch. Louis is loving them. Sharon is also mad about them, and Gary says everyone is asking about them.
Anyway, Hannah is closing the show and is feeling self conscious about her size so goes shopping with Nicole. I can't imagine anything more depressing than shopping with someone as skinny and gorgeous as Nicole, unless she was willing to shove pillows down her trousers and not wear any make up.
Hannah is singing Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, which I have to say, is not really a love song. And they did not choose a very flattering dress for Hannah, especially given the steps she has to walk up. However, given the power and soul she sings with, who gives a fuck what she's wearing? A lot of people are told they have soul on this show, she's one of the few where it's actually true.
Louis says she's amazing and it's hard to believe she's only 16 - to which Hannah kinda grits through her teeth "seventeen", lol. Sharon says she's beautiful and amazing, and they all basically throw huge amounts of praise on her. Gary says the tone she has can't be taught and she sung for her life and all those other cliches. Nicole goes on about having face goosebumps and almost cries. Hannah then cries a bit too and says she was singing it for everyone who feels insecure etc etc. She really does seem to be an incredibly genuine girl, I hope she lasts a good bit longer in this competition, cos I think she gets overshadowed by some of the others even though she's actually miles better than them.
So, that's all the acts and the Flash Vote is open. I guess they're gonna have some time to fill given that one of the acts didn't perform. Dermot asks all of them how they're feeling, and there is far too much use of the word "blessed".
We have to wait till after the break to find out who's in the bottom two tomorrow, and there's a super creepy ad with dancing babies.
We're back and so far the boys are all safe, as are the girls, so I think there's a good chance Shelley is going home tomorrow night. Except that weirdly, the Overs are safe. They literally cannot believe it and aren't even sure that's what happened for a few seconds and Gary's got a pure rage face on. Kingsland Road are in the sing-off tomorrow night. Oooh. I'm literally in the middle of my seat.
Results show tomorrow with Katy Perry and Robin Thicke. Lol, that should be interesting.
Till next week, I bid you adieu!
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