I almost wasn't going to blog this week cos I'm freezing and tired and hiccupy, but apparently I just can't let this show go unmocked by me. I have dedication, what can I tell you?
Anyway, they start off by recapping last week in the style of 24, and I honestly think they should consider adding Jack Bauer to the show to carry out the eliminations each week. Public vote be damned. The judges come on to Chesney Hawkes' One and Only which presumably means no one is singing that particular classic tonight. Sad face.
Let's get straight to the utter inanity that is sure to come our way tonight, and it's Union J, and they're gurning about how devastated it was to be in the bottom two last week. Wah wah wah, whatever. George is wearing a Christmas jumper that I want to steal right off of him, though. I have an obsession with Christmas knitwear. It's a disease, people.
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| I'm obsessed with Christmas jumpers, and this man is my leader. |
Anyway, they went to Eurodisney, got sick on the rollercoasters and sang and bit, and now they're doing Call Me Maybe. NOW I WANT TO BE SICK. They have ninjas dancing on stage with them and I'm hoping one of them goes rogue and takes them all now. Now, that would be light entertainment.
It sounds exactly how you'd imagine a boy band singing Call Me Maybe would be. Which is to say, awful and self harm inducing. I'm currently trying to kill myself via a popcorn overdose. Which I just accidentally typed as poopcorn overdose. I certainly hope that's not the case...
Tulisa hates the song but thinks they were alright. Gary loves the song (Gary loves a cheesy, guilty pleasures song, who'da thought?...), thinks they bounced back from last week blah blah blah. Nicole thinks they did it justice but wants them to be more creative with their staging - no more jumping off boxes, she says. I'm with her on that one at least. Louis is begging people to vote so they're not in the bottom two. I'm begging the wardrobe department to stop putting them in matching shoes. It's just weird, lads. Well weird.
Ella is next, and she was also off in Eurodisney with the Union J lads, singing in a Minnie Mouse headband in front of some sparkly Christmas trees. She got to go to the Twilight premiere too, and declares herself as a massive Twilight fan and immediately I want her to lose. TWILIGHT IS THE WORST, PEOPLE.
Anyway, she's singing the Grease medley, but very very very sloooooooow with just a piano (which is obvious code for 'serious, emotional song'). Her dress is also very pretty. I want her clothes. Can somoene just send them to me when the show is over? Please? A choir has now appeared and she's doing some long, high Mariah-esque notes at the end of the song, and everyone seems to be loving it.
Gary says it was her best performance to date. Nicole wanted it to touch her the way her rendition of Cher's Believe, and didn't like the song choice but she made it work. Louis says it was electrifying and she's gonna sell millions of records. Louis then calls Tulisa a WAG, which doesn't go down too well with her who insists she's a WAF - was already famous. I'm a AOI - already over it.
If someone could please do something really ridiculous now, I'd appreciate it. The show is getting too serious and even Rylan isn't amusing me the way that he should. Can't they bring back Jedward for a wee break?
Speaking of not amusing, James Arthur is next. He's going on about how much it means to him, blah blah blah. He and the other lads also went to Eurodisney where he "rekindled the bromance with Rylan". Now there's a buddy show I'd watch. More of that, please, X Factor. Apparently he's doing something that's not his usual style this week, which I'm guessing won't be half as "different" and "shocking" as they want it to be.
And lo and behold, it's Can't Take My Eyes Off You. However I think what's different about this is that it isn't as "dark" as his stuff usually is, it's more like something from Jack Johnson. In other words, bland and dull. Now if he'd turned it into a metal track, I might be paying more attention. Of course the judges will love it though.
Louis says the song was a bit safe but he loved what he did with it and insists that he'll get a record deal. Tulisa says it was one of his coolest, most credible performance and witters on about Camden and what not. My reaction:
Gary says he wants him to win the competition, Nicole says some of her usual nonsense, and James looks very embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing. So basically the same stuff that happens every week, then.
Back from the break, and Dermot reads out a tweet from Ed Balls, shadow chancellor, saying that Call Me Maybe was the song of 2012. Nicole then starts chanting Vote for Balls. That was slightly weird. Then there's some stuff about what the judges' guilty pleasures are which involved Rick Astley, pushing it and Englebert Humperdinck. That was also weird.
Rylan is next and his trip to Eurodisney was just well weird - babies were being thrown at him, he was trying to talk to Mickey and Minnie but they couldn't talk back, it's all a bit mad. I really wish that his performances were as entertaining as his general chatter, but he just can't pull it off.
Anyway, he's all got up in some white PVC futuristic gear with LED lights all over it, and he's doing a mash up (does he do anything else?) of Girls On Film and When Will I Be Famous? and it's exactly how it is every week. Not enough of a train wreck to be hilarious, not good enough to be epic, and not as watchable as they seem to think it was.
Louis rambles something, Tulisa is disappointed and thinks it was a come down from last week. Gary says the good news is that he is famous, but the bad news is give it a couple of months and he won't be. Heh. Nicole goes on about which other contestants could sing and dance like that, to which Gary rightly responds that he doesn't sing. Nicole rambles on some other nonsense including shamazeballs. Rylan gets real with Gary by pointing out that he sings live where other people in the industry mime when they're performing like that. Gary, of course, would prefer if he mimed. Then Louis starts talking about a psychic?!! I have no idea what's going on, there's a good chance that I've slipped into a sugar coma and am hallucinating.
Dermot then brings up the boyband that Rylan was in years ago in Ibiza that seemed to look like a Take That tribute band. When Gary asks Rylan which band member he was, Rylan replies that he deffo wasn't Gary cos he's too skinny for that. Now that was kinda shamazeballs. I definitely did lol at it. Maybe if they just made the show the judges and acts arguing with each other it would be more entertaining?
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| Basically the show should be this, is what I'm saying. |
Anyway, Christopher is next which means anything remotely entertaining or amusing is right out the window. Even when they show him high fiving Tigger at Disneyland, it's boring. Then he sings the dullest version of A Whole New World which probably put all the kids in the audience to sleep. I really do wonder how Gary manages to put up with someone so crap, and keep trying to pretend like he doesn't think he's crap.
Christopher is singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart, which I have to say is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I don't think Christopher has the hair for it though. This one definitely requires big, big 80s hair. And he's gotten to the chorus without any fists in the air...
Nicole says it was a lot to take in, as the huge face of Christopher on the screen behind him freaked her out, but for my liking it wasn't even enough. Louis says he must be doing something right but he doesn't know what it is. Tulisa admits that he is at least consistent, his vocals are always great, and that he sounded good. They all seem to be running out of ways to slag him off, but they should just come my way, I'll help 'em out.
And we've only got one act left, folks. I can't believe that the shows are going in so quickly now. In some ways it's a blessing, but in others, it means even less time for anything interesting to happen. Is there somewhere we can start a petition to get Jedward back on the show on a permanent basis? I think we can all agree that the show has never been as entertaining as it was in their year. Not even Wagner or that Kitty mess from last year could live up to their shenanigans.
So, Jahmene is next and he can't believe all the support he gets and he had a lovely time in Paris with the other contestants who are now his best friends. I want to take the piss, but you really just can't with this guy. He's singing Don't Leave Me This Way and it's all slow and soul and old school RnB and what not. They bring the beat back in for the chorus but it's not enough, or maybe the staging is just still too dark, but it doesn't feel as upbeat as it should do in the chorus for my liking. Even though he's on a load of multi-coloured boxes. Apparently Nicole doesn't mind them so long as boy bands aren't jumping off of them.
As Tulisa says, she's running out of ways to kiss his butt every week. She says that as a person he's evolved into the man he was meant to be. Not sure what that means but ok. Gary says he's amazing and phenomenal and all that. Nicole makes up more words. Louis has a go at her for having him on a box, as per my comments above, and Jahmene thinks he messed up a few times even though no one else noticed and Dermot plays with Jahmene's sparkly scarf.
And that's yer lot. I am away next week, so knowing my luck that'll be when someone sets themselves on fire live on stage while milking a cow or something. We can only hope, anyway.
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