So it's Number Ones night, and we're minus Lucy, as I'm sure most of you already know. Although it hasn't been mentioned as yet which is a tad odd.
Oh, ok, they're explaining it now. Tulisa sends her all her love while Louis claps like a seal. Gary is talking the usual stuff, and Nicole is dropping double entendres about stiff and hard all over the show.
Rylan is up first, and in his VT he takes Nicole to Essex, which he describes as like "the Hollywood of Engerland". Yeah, totes. He gets waxed by Amy Childs, they teach Essex talk to Nicole and Rylan gets spray painted orange.
Nicole also agrees to get Rylan's face vajazzled on herself, which is bringing my chicken noodle soup right up.
So Rylan's singing Hung Up by Madonna, and starts off just singing (which both looks and sounds rather suspicious, if you ask me), and then the madness begins. He's got massive feather shoulder thingies and the set is named La Boutique Rylan. This is gonna end with someone flashing the vajazzled face of Rylan at us, isn't it?
Also rather annoyingly my internet connection seems to be being a twat and buffering all over the show (just wrote buggering there by accident, oopsie...) so apologies if I miss something important. Like Rylan actually hitting a note.
So far Louis and Tulisa like it and find it entertaining, which is the same crap they've been spewing thus far. Gary shocks everyone by saying that the vocals at the top "weren't too bad" but he thinks it will be his last performance. Nicole gives him a big ole Essex 'Shut uuuup' and tells him he was effortless and beautiful up there. Er, no.
God almighty but the Christmas adverts are boring this year. First ad break so far has brought us ads for Matalan, the Samsung Galaxy Note, eBay and the new Kindle Fire and I want to fall asleep. WHITHER THE COKE POLAR BEARS, TELEVISION??!!
 |
| It's not Christmas till these guys show up. It's also not Christmas at all cos it's early November, but no one seems to have told the telly execs that. |
And now that we're all suitably depressed about the music industry, Union J are up now and their VT is just them gurning and moaning about how terrible it was to be in the bottom two last week and going out this week fighting, blah blah blah cliche cliche cliche. They talk about how they're just normal lads and immediately one of them tells us he used to be a jockey. Yup, that's totally normal.
They've given the Harry Styles lookalike one a guitar this week and they're singing a Taylor Swift song that I've never heard before. Possibly because I've only ever heard one Taylor Swift song. I frankly don't care enough to look up what it is. They're all standing on a platform with fake rain or snow or something on the screens behind them, and there's an alarming epidemic of popped collars going on here. Who on earth do they think they are, Nolan from Revenge? PAH.
Tulisa congratulates Louis on a brilliant song choice, and goes on about finding their market and nailing it with the song choice and teenage girls and what not. Gary says he was concerned they made the wrong decision with the sing off last week but this proved them right and says George needs to blend in more vocally. Nicole thinks it was a solid and sweet performance and tries to command the teenage girls in the audience like she's Moses with the Red Sea.
Kye is all stoked after his performance last week and Robbie Williams liking him, he goes back to see his brother who wants to put him back to work as a chimney sweep and their eating a fry up with tomato sauce is just making me dead hungry. Gary tells him to find whatever he found inside last week to unlock that massive performance, but personally I think it's all down to the hair being quiffed up instead of straightened down like an emo teenager in 2006.
He's doing You Get What You Give by the New Radicals, he's all upbeat and wandering around touching hands with the audience and apparently pretending he's an airplane? He's also high fiving the judges and I think getting a tad carried away with himself. But I do think he comes off a lot better doing the more upbeat stuff, cos it doesn't result in me falling into a coma, so there's that I guess.
Nicole seems like she's suddenly worried about Kye being competition for her boys, possibly, cos she didn't seem too sold on it despite saying good things about it. Louis says something I pay no attention to but it was good, I think. Tulisa was worried it was going to be safe but says his energy won her over and of course Gary congratulates him on being a great performer.
OMG would they stop advertising food on the tv when all I've got in is soup and cereal?!! This is torture.
 |
| This is me right now. Apparently no one can hear me. Sad face. |
Ok, they stopped advertising food and instead advertised Downton Abbey with an alarmingly crap cover version of The Times They Are A-Changing. Like, shiveringly crap version.Yuck.
James Arthur is next and there's still no sign of the Deirdre Barlow glasses. His VT is all about how his time at the X Factor seems to be bringing his family together and making them all happy and stuff. Him talking about anyone being happy is just weird. He has a masterclass with No Doubt, and Gwen Stefani clearly thinks he's an ass for singing Don't Speak for them, but says he's not bad anyway. And that's what he's singing tonight it seems. So far, it's fairly normal and just sounds like a very unoriginal cover version....until he starts rapping (about dumping someone) and apparently forgets his lyrics at one point. And then of course he starts doing his wailing thing over the end of it. Nicole is bouncing around in her seat in a manner which suggests she either has worms or didn't get to the bathroom during that last ad break.
Louis of course goes on about how he's so talented and puts his own spin on songs, so basically exactly what he says every week. Tulisa says it was stripped back for him, it was wicked and she loved it. Gary says it was another brilliant performance and that he always pulls it out of the bag every week and gets better and better. I honestly think he could take a dump on that stage and they'd applaud his authenticity and risk-raking. Nicole says the word time a lot and says "you just blow m-" and that's where my stream decides to buffer. Hehehehehe, dirty tv stream. She said blow my mind, btw.
Next we have Ella and she's been concerned that the themes have been overtaking who she is as an artist and wants to get back to her roots. No Doubt seem to like her more than James, heh, and think she's right to just want to sing a simple piano ballad. They think she's great and it's a perfect song choice, so let's see. She's singing Firework, by Katy Perry, btw. And I love and covet her outfit. It might not be the best thing that I always seem to want to wear what they dress a 16 year old in on this show, but there you have it. She wears a lot of sparkly, shiny stuff and I'm a clothing magpie.
 |
| Sparkly! |
 |
| Shiny! |
 |
| Pretty! |
Anyway, back to the song, she's doing brilliantly and I predict that all the judges will lose their shit over it. I also predict that Katy Perry will leave the music industry forever upon hearing this. I might be a bit off on this prediction, though. Gary thinks the simplicity was great but that the key was slightly too high. Nicole is moved to tears almost and is babbling somewhat incoherently and seeing things. Louis goes on about her being a recording artist and says it was a brilliant song choice and I can't tell what Tulisa is saying because of the BLOODY BUFFERING. She says something about her creating a moment and that's what's special about her.
District 3 and there's some stuff in the VT about them being at school together (it had actually escaped me that they were a pre-existing band and not one fabricated by the producers), and then my ITV stream decides to fall apart so I have no idea what their performance is like. I don't think I'm missing a lot, however. It's Dynamite by Taio Cruz, from the few seconds that I saw before it went down. Technology should really be better than this by this point.
Performance over and the judges are arguing. Tulisa says they had too much to think about this week and Louis is shouting "no, no, no" over it. Gary says it was a bland song choice and they aren't the vocal harmony band that they used to be. Nicole says "No, baby, no" and tells Louis the song was wrong but he's having none of it. He thinks it was fantastic and Tulisa is waving her pen in his face and stuff. I wish she'd draw a wee moustache or something on it. The boys basically try not to say that Louis threw them under the bus by having them do something that's not them, and look like they might chuck up a bit. There are either loads of streamers on the stage, or someone threw a boat load of bog roll at them, so now I'm really wanting to see what happened.
Now there's a weird advert on for EE 4G with Kevin Bacon where he talks about Frank Carson and Coronation Street and dogs. I did wonder if I had fallen asleep and into another one of my mad dreams again, like the one the other night where I was on a bus with Obama, but no, this one was real. Now a Furby is singing Lionel Richie's Hello. Srsly you guys, am I deffo awake here?
I desperately need someone to come on stage and do something utterly mental and crazy. But maybe there's no such thing on the X Factor anymore. After Jedward, Wagner and Johnny Robinson, can anything ever be the same again?
Anyway, Jahmene takes Nicole to Asda to show her what his life used to be like. He shows her the barcode stocking gun and it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her when it beeps. That girl is cray cray.
 |
| I know someone you can call... |
Jahmene is singing Listen by Beyonce, Louis is swaying from side to side in his seat, Nicole can hardly control herself (I'm telling you - worms) and I'm betting Gary is making notes on this being the wrong key for him. After the key change he seems fine, but the start was a bit wobbly, he sounded strained a little bit and we've not heard him be anything but pitch perfect so far. It barely matters that the odd note is a little off here and there when he's that good, though.
Louis goes nutty about how great he is, how he'll be in the final, he's never going back to the supermarket etc etc. Tulisa is speechless and giggly to the point of making very little sense. Gary says he killed it, even though it has an enormous range, and his talent is amazing. Nicole calls him a slice of heaven and berates him for making her cry and being so inspirational, etc etc. You genuinely can't say anything bad about this kid, and I feel so sorry for him I can't even make fun of him. Damnit.
Christopher is next though, and I have noooooo problems making fun of him, so bring. it. on.
Gary is loving that the judges hate Christopher but that he keeps getting through, and wants to give them more of everything they dislike. Christopher thinks the judges are being negative because they're afraid of him. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! No. No they're not. No Doubt tell him they're rooting for him, but I can tell ole Gwennie there is lying. I knows the truth.
He's doing All By Myself, which is kind of hilariously ironic. He's wearing yet another coat, I think they just bought a job lot in different colours for him. Tulisa looks so bored she could kill herself, and Gary is trying not to smirk at her, I think. I might have just made that up, but that's what it's come to here - I need to invent things to amuse myself with cos god knows no one on stage is doing a good enough job. Especially not this utterly, utterly unoriginal, dullllllllll version of All By Myself, a song which I normally like (not least cos it reminds me of Clueless, one of the best films of all time. OF ALL TIME).
Nicole also likes the song, says he did an amazing job and to enjoy it and she was also seeing things again with his performance, this time eagles. Ok then.... Louis says he's a good singer and a nice guy, but he won't sell records. There's some odd cackling in the background which I'd like to have heard the origin of. Tulisa thinks it was a good song choice and a good performance, but it was five weeks too late and thinks it's just a lucky one off. Christopher is crying and Gary is telling him that he's delivering to his public and he sings brilliantly every week. Louis then wants to know if Gary honestly thinks he can sell records internationally every week. Gary doesn't exactly answer and they bicker a bit before Dermot cuts them off. Personally, I think Dermot should've brought them up on stage to continue the argument wrestling like big girls' blouses, but that might just be me.
 | |
| FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! |
So that is it for this week, folks, and it's been a dull one. One can only hope for some sort of nonsense to keep us interested tomorrow night.
No comments:
Post a Comment