Well, to give you an idea of how I'm feeling right now, I just spent a good 2 minutes trying to put a hoodie on. It's one of those days, I'm afraid.
So, god only knows what horrors are in store for us this evening. Dermot starts off dancing (well, he made one arm movement and took a step to the right) to Thriller wearing devil horns, but no stuntman doing backflips this week.
The judges enter, and apparently they all played a very cruel trick on Nicole telling her that it was fancy dress when none of them rest of them dressed up. Louis looks as dim and confused as usual, Tulisa has vampire fangs and Gary made some sort of strange smiling growly sort of face, while Nicole is dressed in some mental lace catsuit get up, with some weird head dress and mad hair, and she seems to be making Gary blush.
So far, so boring.
As we probably all know by know, Lucy is apparently too ill to perform this week, so she automatically goes through to next week. If I was a cynical, miserable cow, I'd point out that she was well enough to go out for Rylan's birthday on Wednesday, but sure.
Anyway, Kye is up first and he's doing Let Me Entertain You, which he sings for Robbie Williams in the masterclass. Gary admits that he was jealous of Robbie's career when he released this song (yeah, like we didn't already know that, given that this was Gary's fat disastrous solo phase), and then Kye looks very confused at the fact that he just met Robbie Williams. It's not like you met the Pope ffs, Kye, pull yerself together man.
 |
| So you were jealous of Robbie Williams at this point in time, Gary? Colour me shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you. |
So, his version of Let Me Entertain You is so far not all that different from Robbie's, but Kye does move around the stage a lot and looks less like he wants to cry and/or vomit. He also has developed this little head movement thing where he wobbles his head from side to side, much like a bobble head doll. He even did a wee spin there that Dermot would be proud of. Apparently this is all to represent the character and personality that we've not seen so far, that he says has been trapped inside. Well if this is what it's like when it's let out, put it back in love. He does a wee run through the audience, and I will at least give him props for being able to sing despite running up and down a flight of stairs. I can't breathe while walking up and down a flight of stairs, so all power to his elbow for that.
Apparently Nicole liked his little 'dance thingy' this week and she really gets him now. Louis goes on about how much he loved Kye at the first audition, and that he hopes he's done enough tonight 'but I don't think you did' - basically doing the same thing that he did to Jade last week to try to weaken the audience's opinion of contestants. He goes on about something being missing, but we all know your game, Louis. We know what you're up to. The others liked it too, btw, and even Kye says Louis looked like he was enjoying it during the performance. Heh.
 |
| Behave, Louis. Behave. |
While I mull that over, A Startlingly Similar Direction are next and they're starting the word bananas a lot in their VT, and a couple of them seem to be in their onesie pyjamas. Bless, you forget how young they are. Now they're out of their jammies and into suits at the James Bond premiere, with lots of girls screaming at them. I'm more interested in the brief glimpse of Stephen Fry at the premiere, but apparently the editors think we'd rather see Union J dressed up at Rylan's party. Their masterclass with Robbie seemed to involve him saying 'aye, yous are class' and then giving a look which seemed to say 'now fuck away off outta my face'. Lol.
So, their song is Beyonce's Sweet Dreams and involves them all perched on a car in the middle of the stage. A hint at their future as second hand car salesmen? I like to think so. The car is the most interesting part of the song, in fairness. They can sing alright, but let's face it, with boybands no one gives a shit, girls will vote for them regardless.
Tulisa says their vocals were really strong tonight but her only issue is that they played it a little bit safe. Which she isn't doing with her dress, as it looks to be so right over her boobs that she's going to cut off circulation. Gary agreed (about the vocals and playing it safe, not her boobs). Nicole, who looks decidedly dead behind the eyes this week - way to commit to a costume - says it was perfect. Her and Gary start arguing about whether or not it was over-produced, and Louis blabbers on about how much he believes in them again. That's really all he ever knows to say about anyone, that he believes in them, that they're a recording artist, that they're an international popstar. It's always particularly funny to me when he comes after Nicole and her and Gary go on about technical singing stuff and then Louis is just all 'yeah....you sang a wee song there, well done'. Ah Louis, what would we do without you?
In completely unrelated news, I am loving my new slippers. Also, I decided on the wafer curls as they don't involve cutlery and are therefore more conducive to blogging. I know you were all dying to know.
Rylan is next with an apparently deadly performance, according to Nicole. His VT is all about how apparently loads of popstars are backing Rylan to win, and Robbie telling Gary he should be getting the brilliance of Rylan. And then we have Nicole dressing like a right slapper in latex and singing to Rylan at his birthday party. As you do.
Rylan is doing Toxic. Well, so far - there'll probably be another 10 songs before the end. He's lying on some sort of perspex bed surrounded by dancers and what not, and judging from his singing when he stands up and starts dancing, he needs to be nailed to a flat surface to be able to sound like anything other than an animal in distress. Now it's Horny (which I've not heard in years, and didn't really appreciate hearing like this). Rylan is now on the desk thrusting his crotch towards Gary, singing Nicole's Poison and utterly massacring it. Maybe it's all a cunning ploy by her to remind people of how good a singer she is? I wouldn't put it past her.
Basically it was the same rubbish as it normally is. Louis thinks that Rylan is like a young Jean Paul Gautier. YES OF COURSE HE DOES. Fuckin hell. Tulisa says he delivers to the best of his ability every time he steps on that stage, but ffs that doesn't mean he's any use. Gary starts off wondering how he ever fell out with Robbie Williams. Gary tries not to be mean, by saying he was no worse than last week and the dancers were good and the music was so loud he couldn't hear him sing. Lol. Nicole then goes all weird again by singing Horny at him and talking some Yank gibberish. Then Rylan says that if he gets through he'll just stand there and sing to try to win Gary over. LOLOLOLOLOLOL indeed.
Ella is next and at her masterclass, Robbie basically tells her to ignore Gary. Heh. They all talk about how young she is and how she isn't overwhelmed by it all, which is true, and how amazing she is, which is also true. I can't find it in me to say a bad thing about this girl, even for the craic. Anyway, she's in some red cape thingy with a beehive on her head that will, quite frankly, take hours to brush out. I don't envy her that. She's singing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence but she's doing a pretty good job of making it sound like it could be an Adele song rather than some emo one hit wonder from years ago.
Gary throws heaps of praise on her, despite not liking the song that much. Nicole says it was her least favourite performance of Ella's, she says it was the wrong key for her and needed more depth and some other technical stuff about modulation and what not. Louis once again talks about her having a recording voice, and then slags off her hair. LOOK IN A FUCKING MIRROR, LOUIS.
Now there's some weird ad on with Michael Buble sliding from a green room to the stage and apparently it's an O2 ad. Okaaaaayyyyy.....
I have to say, is it just me or is X Factor a tad more boring than usual this week? And for a section of the show that's included Rylan, that's probably not a good sign. I'm starting to reminisce for the good old days of Jedward doing the Ghostbusters theme. Ah, memories....
Christopher is next and OMG I'M SO EFFING BORED OF HIM. There's a lot of talk about nerves, and the public supporting him (apparently he's been at the top of the public votes, which I find terrifying in the extreme). He talks a lot about how made up he is to have people behind him, and Gary goes on about how his mum loves Christopher, and therein lies the problem Gary. Presumably yer ma isn't exactly the kind of record-buying audience that Cowell wants to cash in on. There's also no mention of Christopher going AWOL to go back to Liverpool this week and missing the masterclass with Robbie, which apparently the producers were well raging about.
He's singing I Just Died In Your Arms tonight, and whilst the production on it is quite modern and what not, the song is still dated and cheesy. How can Gary not see this? What are you playing at, Borelow?
Nicole tells him it was like an 80s pop rock opera, and does some weird hip thrusty things and tells him he did a good job. Louis says they're looking for a future recording artist, but he's a future cabaret and panto star. Tulisa is apparently reading my mind cos she asks Gary how many 80s classics is he going to let Christopher destroy when they're giving the same critique each week. Gary says "I don't know what offended me more, what you just said or the fag ash breath". OOOOOH BITCHY!!! She hits back at him smelling of red wine, but still.
District 3 are next, and Dermie just called Louis the apple bobbing champion of Ireland 1953. I did a lol.
Robbie tells District 3 to be more natural and have a laugh. Which seemingly means that they dance with canes this week, but one of them keeps hitting the others and dropping his. If he manages to twat one of the judges with it I will vote to keep them in. For realsies.
They're doing Every Breath You Take dressed like A Clockwork Orange and before I get to finish typing that sentence they're into Beautiful Monster by Ne Yo and it's mash up central all up in this joint. They're doing entirely too much jumping around though cos they sound decidedly out of breath and their vocals are much weaker than usual.
Again, Tulisa agrees with me about them getting out of breath and everything. I better make sure I don't have fag ash breath. It would be quite a shock, given that I'm fascistically anti-smoking. Gary says it was a mess and that he's fed up with mash-ups. Nicole agrees with him about the mash up, she's scared of their music, and blah blah something something key something something blah.
Jahmene is next, and it's more about how emotional last week was for him, and then he's singing for Samuel L Jackson. What the absolute fuck?!! That's a helluva segue!
Sam says if Jahmene don't win, something is fucked up. Guys, we might wanna be careful here, we don't wanna go pissing off Samuel L Jackson. He a bad motherfucker.
Jahmene is singing Killing Me Softly, and is just standing there and singing as per Gary's frequent instruction. It's fairly flawless, and the judges are in agreement. Louis, of course, makes comparisons to every black male artist he can think of. I'm waiting for a comparison to MC Hammer next, cos he's running out of people to make generic and idiotic references to.
Next we have Jade, and they're at the Skyfall premiere and then back to her flat with her rather adorable little girl who has the most awesome glasses I've ever seen on a kid. Tulisa pops round for a visit, and looks really odd but I cant figure out why. Might be the lack of three pounds of slap on her bake.
Jade is doing a rather intriguing version of Freak Like Me. She's kit out in a latex cat suit that she must have been sewn into. Something isn't right about this though. I don't know if her voice is still dodgy from the problems she's been having with her throat or if it's the wrong key or if it's the dancing, which we've not really seen from her. But she just seems to be having problems. Something sounds missing.
Gary says she's come back fighting, but that her vocals are weaker than usual. Nicole says it was frightening and she didn't get it. Love, from the woman who puts Rylan up there for us that's going a tad far. She says it seemed like she was awkward up there with all the choreography, and Louis goes on about how it was more style than substance which is fair enough - Jade is all about the unique tone to her voice and this did not show it up. Tulisa goes on about the themes and how they all have to try something different blah blah blah.
Blah is basically the theme for this week - I'm even struggling to find things to google image search to put up funny pictures. There's just nothing interesting going on at all, apart from Gary having a go at Tulisa's breath. Excuse me if I don't finish the rest of the blog, I might have fallen into a coma.
James is up next, and last, and he meets Labyrinth wearing a stupid looking trucker hat. Oh and he gets to perform on stage with Labyrinth at one of his gigs, but I'm more focused on how stupid the hat was. It was really stupid, you guys.
He's doing Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics and is doing so wearing a ridiculous amount of eyeliner. I know it's Halloween, but still like. I had read that he was doing something really heavy apparently, but this sure as hell ain't it. He's doing that thing where he basically wails all over the end of the song but he's at least not trying to pull his top off like it's electrocuting him. That might be cos he's wearing a jacket that looks rather like a straight jacket though. And basically that was alright, but nothing spectacular. Of course the judges will go nuts for it. Louis calls him dark and intense, but presumably anything other than Jedward would be dark to him. Tulisa goes on about him taking old school songs and making them modern and stuff about him being relevant and current and stuff. Gary love love loves him, and Nicole says he's the difference, whatever that means, and James himself looks utterly nonplussed.
And that's yer lot. Who will be going home tomorrow, I wonder? If it's not Christopher I will be very angry. So prepare for me to be very angry.
Night night.
No comments:
Post a Comment