I know that this will probably seem rather self-involved and indulgent, not to mention terribly dull, but I think I maybe need to update the state of my head here a little bit more often. I seem to do better writing about things than letting them endlessly ruminate in my head, so maybe this will help me to stay on track a little bit better.
So, yesterday was quite a crappy day, as yesterday's post indicates. Everything seemed to be getting away from me, and the only thing that I could concentrate on was how lost and lonely and scared I felt. I cried - a lot - and went home and lay on my ass for hours watching tv and eating junk food. But somewhere along the way in the evening, I managed to get some work done (mostly because I absolutely had to, no other option). And I really did feel better for it. I wasn't going to bed stressing about how much work I would have in the morning and I felt relatively productive and like I accomplished something. Only a small something, and there are a million and one other things I need to do, but still. The day at least ended a little bit better.
Today I'm mostly tired. Which is par for the course with me at this time of day. I know that I really need to do something about exercising, because I think that's the only thing that will help on the tiredness front. My doctor has offered to give me exercise on prescription - basically 6 weeks' paid for access to a local council leisure centre. I'm a bit skeptical (mostly because there isn't a council leisure centre particularly convenient to me), but it's only 6 weeks so I can at least give that a try, right? Plus my weight is being brought up more and more by the doctor each time I visit. I'm not exactly obese (yet) but I'm definitely far too overweight and it's starting to cause me a lot of problems. Not least of which is the fact that very few of my clothes still fit me.
As for all of the other things that have been running around my head non-stop lately, I'm just trying to shut them out for the time being. Maybe I just needed a bit of a low day and a blow out like yesterday to help me re-start everything a bit. I don't know. But I feel a little bit better today, and that's something. I just have to try very hard now to keep that going.
Freaking out about things, obsessing over all of the things that I'm unhappy with in my life doesn't do a damned thing to fix them. And maybe there are some things I can't fix, and I need to accept that. I'm not very good at accepting things I don't like (understatement of the century, that is) but I need to figure out how. And for right now, I just have to try not to let it defeat me, at the very least.
And with that, back to work.
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