Tired.

Today has not been a good day.

Work has gradually been getting more and more on top of me, so when something went wrong today I think that sort of set everything else off. I just don't know what to do anymore. I was so determined before that I wouldn't let this beat me, that I just had to be strong and stand my ground. But somehow that hasn't happened. I didn't really notice it not happening, until it hadn't, so to speak. It's as though the lights turned off so slowly and gradually that I didn't notice the darkness approaching until it was pitch black.

I don't think I'd go so far as to say that I've slipped back completely into old ways of thinking. I've still been trying to resist the thoughts of low self-worth and bat those away as best I can. But this rut that I've sunken into is more than just a dull, lifeless routine. I feel so completely lost sometimes. I don't trust my own judgement, so I don't know what the right course of action is. With anything at all. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even when I don't realise it - all of a sudden I'll just burst into tears and barely be able to figure out what might have started it or what I'm upset about.

I'm really struggling to understand this. I thought I was trying; I thought I had made some progress. And I know, somewhere in my head, I have made some progress. I'm not immediately turning this around to become yet another instrument to beat myself up with - at least not for too long, anyway. But I feel like nothing works. Meds, counselling, therapy, my mini-revelation. I don't quite understand what I'm doing wrong. And it doesn't help that there are so many things currently outside of my control that are making me feel worse. Stuff at work, stuff at home, family stuff, money stuff, left-over relationship stuff. As much as I know that I am the only one who can change anything in my life or in my head, it feels that there are so many external factors conspiring against me that the universe is just toying with me for its own malevolent amusement. The bastard.

I do want to keep on trying, I do. I don't want to give up because that is possibly more frightening than anything else. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't know what is the right answer anymore, which is the right direction. I can't seem to make any decisions for the life of me, because I honestly can't see clearly enough to know which choice I ought to make. I don't like that.

I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to give up. I don't want to resign myself to feeling like this all of the time and just accept that I'll always be miserable and alone and unhappy. But I need some sort of help. I don't know what that help is, where to find it, or how to know it when I see it, but I need it. I want to keep looking for it, but I'm getting tired.