Evidence of things unseen

I suppose I should really write something here. Hopefully something a tad less dramatic than my last post.

I realise now that it perhaps sounded a bit more sinister than was my intention. When I talk of giving up and so on, I don't mean giving up on actually being alive and breathing and what not - I mean giving up on the idea of anything ever getting any better. Giving up the hope that can be so painful so often. It feels so much like everytime I have hope that things might change, that things can get better that something comes along to knock me down, and then kick me when I'm down, then stamp on my head, piss on me and leave me there for scavenging animals to try to eat. Not that I'm being melodramatic or anything... But it's increasingly difficult to try to focus on the bright side when it feels like the universe punishes me every time that I do.

Which is what brings me to the topic of this lovely little post - evidence. Evidence is a pretty big part of my depression and anxiety problems, now that I think about it. I have all of this evidence stored up inside for every time something has gone wrong, everytime something hasn't gone my way, everytime someone has let me down or hurt me (intentionally or otherwise). And it's very difficult to see evidence for anything more positive. Everything becomes distorted and corrupted in your mind, you absolutely cannot believe anything good that's ever happened, anything good that anyone has ever said to you. Anything good is all lies, as far as you're concerned.

One of the techniques of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is to list the pros and cons to things - make out an actual list of the reasons for and against anything that you think. It's supposed to force you to recognise that you're not always right about the things that you think, to stop you over-generalising and catastrophising everything and look at the details instead of just going off the rails. It's a difficult balancing act, though, to actually make yourself recognise and accept any of the good things. That's what I've been struggling with a lot lately.

For a while there I kept trying - no matter how down I got - to not turn it into a self-worth thing, to not beat myself up everytime I got upset or annoyed or emotional about something. I tried to just accept my flaws rather than focus all my energy on them and how awful a person I must be as a result, and tried to concentrate instead on the person that I want to be. To actually try to be a bit better instead of just complaining to myself that I'm so awful all the time.

But that gets hard sometimes. When you get let down or disappointed or struggle to cope with something not going as you had hoped it would, it got more and more difficult for me to keep trying to focus on the practical, positive, proactive side of things. It didn't even feel like self hate a lot of the time - it was fear. Paralysing, horrible, horrible fear. That I was so much worse a person than I thought, because why else would these things be happening to me? Have I just been kidding myself, pulling the wool over my eyes - am I really so much worse than I ever thought I was, and that's why all of this is happening? And if I'm so awful when I thought I was trying to get better, then I must just be a waste of space, I can't do anything right and should just give up. It went something like that.

I seem to have a fear of not being able to see the real evidence in front of me. I'm terrified of discovering that I've been blind to something, that I've been stupid not to see what's right in my face. I suppose maybe that's something to do with the perfectionism - not just the not being perfect part, but being wrong. I hate being wrong. I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing what to do next, what the right answer is or how to find the answer. In some ways, that's a positive trait in me - I suppose it's what always made me good at research and really enjoy learning things and gave me a curiosity about the world and education. But when you turn that sort of inspection towards yourself, it can all go horribly wrong.

And then on top of all of that, there's the sense of failure. I was so convinced a few months ago that I'd made some sort of breakthrough, that things were really, honestly going to be different. And that I've managed to have such an awful month or two makes me feel rather defeated. It makes me question everything. Do I just keep trying, or am I trying at the wrong thing? Is there something I should be doing differently? And if so, what is it, and how do I find out? And so often, that all just gets so exhausting. It feels physically hard to keep going on, keep getting out of bed and going through the motions each day. Very real and scary financial implications for me and my family are the only things that do eventually drag me out of bed. But that becomes so much effort, that it's hard to find the energy or motivation to do anything else.

I need help with this. But I don't know what sort. New meds? Therapy? Although I can't afford therapy and I don't know if I have any free options left to me at the moment. I know I need to get out and socialise more but I've gotten to the point where I just don't seem to have many friends left, and those that I do have I can only see or talk to once in a blue moon because they're too busy. And then there's the whole can of worms of whether or not to tell anyone anything about my problems, which is a whole other post on its own. My doctor keeps telling me to get out and exercise more. To try to find a hobby or something that involves other people. I don't think she gets just how far gone I am - I can barely force myself to be around my flatmates, trying to do something like that is like entering the Olympics before I can walk. And I feel so confined by so many aspects of my situation that I, once again, don't know what the right answer is. I have zero funds at all for anything - I'm finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meet, let alone finding any disposable income for extracurricular activities. My work schedule is such that I never have free time that I can depend upon - I have to work from home when I'm sick and when I'm on leave, so I can't exactly commit much of my free time to anything because there just isn't much. And I'm so physically exhausted all the time from not sleeping properly that doing anything other than collapsing as soon as I get in the door seems like an impossibility.

Now I'm starting to make excuses for things, I know that. As much as I need some help and support, I need to do this myself because no one can do it for me. I need to make the effort. Trying to figure out that balance between doing it myself and needing and wanting help has always been a struggle for me. I always seem to oscillate between being so desperate for friends and relationships - people I can rely on - and being so hurt and disappointed by the failure of such relationships that I give up on people altogether. Neither is really working for me.

Anyway, that's just some thoughts for the time being. Maybe getting some of this stuff down here will get it out of my head for a bit so I can actually have some thoughts in there about something other than my mental health. It'd be a nice change.

Hope?

I'm doing a bit better today. I managed to distract myself yesterday and get a few things done, which helped take my mind off of things a bit. I'm trying really hard not to let myself slip back into all those dark potholes along the road, and I think I'm getting somewhere. Maybe. I hope, anyway. I just have to keep reminding myself of everything that I realised and felt when I had my 'revelation' a few months ago. I need to focus on who I want to be, not who I am now, or what's going on now to upset me. I have to keep in mind who I want to be, who I think I really am underneath all of this shit, and keep trying to get there. That makes it sound a helluva lot easier than it actually is, and I'm not exactly doing cartwheels over here, but I'm trying. That's something, I guess.

As for the whole ex situation, that's a bit more complicated. But I think I might have figured something out there too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. This doesn't have to be all sorted out perfectly, one way or the other, right now. If we both really meant everything we said about how much we care about each other and wanting to stay friends, then that's how it will be. It won't always be easy or comfortable, but as long as we don't let go of the friendship, we'll figure our way through it somehow. Eventually.

Or something like that. I think I'm less articulate when I'm less upset, for some reason. Makes wanting to be both a writer and sane a little difficult, really. Anyway, I'm trying to get back to real life and not let everything in my head overtake that. Making Christmas presents, baking cookies, working, tidying, doing laundry, all that stuff. May not sound all that exciting or that big of a deal, but anything that might help me cling onto my life is worth a shot.

A new day? Pfft.

Well, it's a new day. I don't really know what profound message there's supposed to be in that. People talk about tomorrow being a new day when you're having a bad day, but what the fuck sort of help is that supposed to be? Another whole day to feel miserable and shitty and to have to drag yourself through? Great.

You probably can't tell from my sunny disposition, but I'm not in a much better mood today. I'm tired, weak, dizzy, annoyed, irritable and cranky as all hell. All I want to do is crawl back into bed but my mediocre-ly paid job beckons me so here I am. I keep trying to distract myself - when I find myself drifting off into my head and daydreaming about anything (good or bad) I keep trying to tell myself to stop it, and think of something else to think of. But that's easier said than done. Especially when my office appears to be staffed with loud, obnoxious missing links of evolution.

I want to sleep so badly. I don't really remember what I dreamed about last night, but I don't think it was upsetting, so I'd take sleep over consciousness any day. I just don't know what I'm meant to do here. I don't know where the middle ground is between ignoring everything and hoping it will be ok, and having a complete meltdown like yesterday.

And I'm not sure that I even want to find the middle ground right now. I mean, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to be in this sort of pain and feel like my entire life is falling down around my shoulders. I just want it all fixed. I want him to want me again, I want my best friend back. I don't want to get over him. It's been months and that's what it comes down to. I don't want to get over him. I want him back. I know that that isn't going to happen, but I can't get it out of my head. So where do I go from here? I know that so much of this situation - not just the relationship stuff but depression in general - is about the choices we make. But I can't choose how I feel about him. I didn't choose to fall for him in the first place, how do I choose to not feel this way about him now?

I really feel like I'm missing the part of my brain where people figure this stuff out and get through it. I just have no idea how that happens, or what it looks or feels like. All I know is I'm tired, and I want this out of my head. I want not to have to think about it. Not to be tormented with it.

Anyway, if I want to stop thinking about it so much I should probably shut the hell up.

I don't know.

I don't know what to make of today. I've completely fallen apart. I feel frustrated, ashamed and disappointed in myself, that I've gone right back to where I started, it seems. More than that I'm just tired. Tired of being tired. Of feeling so alone, and in pain, and feeling so completely uncertain about everything. I feel like I have no judgement anymore - no idea what's real, what's not; what's right, what's wrong; what will help or what will make things worse. I just don't know.

I know I'm exhausted. I've cried most of the evening. I tired myself out for a bit there and distracted myself with quizzes on the internet (sounds really lame, but it seems to help take my mind off things, because I'm forcing myself to think about something else). But as soon as I started to feel better I noticed that I was doing it again with the fantasies. Imagining that everything would be ok - that all of my fears have been wrong, that my ex isn't seeing anyone else, and that things will be happily ever after. But they won't.

I wonder what has been going on in my head these last few months. I wonder was anything real. I don't think so. I've barely seen anyone else the last few months apart from people at work, my family, and my flatmates. And I keep all contact with all of the above to a bare minimum. I've lived entirely in my head, and created this world where everything is fine. And because I've not been quite as depressed, or at least not beating myself up in quite the same way, I've been telling myself that I've been making some sort of progress. But I haven't. I've done what I always do - retreated into this fantasy world. And now that reality is smacking me in the face I'm having a full blown meltdown.

I don't know how to get from one minute to the next. The prospect of the rest of the day terrifies me - what am I going to do after I finish this blog? Cry some more? Go over and over and over things in my head? I guess I go over things so much in the hope that one time I'll get it right - I'll figure it out. But I never do. And it's not something I can figure out. It's not like if I concentrate hard enough I'll work it out, like on a quiz or something. This all just is, and I have to deal with it. But the problem is, I have no idea what that means or involves. I don't know if I've ever truly gotten over anything that's hurt me badly in my life - I don't know what it looks like.

And then comes the night. Trying to get to sleep and failing miserably. The aching pain of needing to sleep but being afraid of it. Trying not to cry during the night. Counting down the hours till I have to get up for work. Dragging myself into work and trying not to cry on the bus. Trying not to cry in the office, in the bathroom, in the kitchen. Not to mention trying to get a fuckload of work done, that was already going to be difficult enough to manage.

I just want this out of my head. All of it. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was a fucking asshole.

Normal?

Man, does life suck sometimes. Everytime I think I'm getting somewhere, something just comes and smashes me right back down again. With everything, even the little things. I thought I was getting on top of things at work, but there's tons more to do than I thought so I'm screwed. I thought I was getting to being ok with myself, and with the break-up with my ex, but I am so, so, so not.

I don't know why I do this. I don't even know how I do it. I live in this little fantasy world all the time, where I banish all bad thoughts with imaginings and fantasies about everything being fine. And then reality rears its head, and I'm right back where I started again. I just feel like I do not know what I'm doing. At all. I don't know what's the right thing to do, what's the wrong thing.

I'm told that I catastrophise things all the time - always imagine the worst case scenario, become convinced that that's what's going to happen, and freak out. But when I try to rationalise that maybe that's not what's going to happen, that I don't have much evidence for that, I end up being proven right about the disaster. Like with my ex - we've been keeping in touch since we broke up. Not the way it used to be before - we used to talk all day every day then. We'd tell each other everything. Now it's just the odd message and email here and there. And I don't know what it's ok to talk to him about. I used to be able to talk to him about anything, and I just don't know what the rules are for this sort of thing, and it's awkward to talk about that via phones and email. Every now and then I'd get freaked out that he was seeing someone else. I had no evidence for this, just paranoia on my part. So I'd tell myself that - that chances are he probably wasn't. That chances were, he was telling me the truth when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and that it was bad timing with us, so he wouldn't be looking to get involved with anyone else so soon after us breaking up.

But now I'm not so sure. It seems like I was maybe right in the first place - that he just didn't want to be with me, and that he might be seeing someone else. And I cannot handle this. At all. I'm completely falling to pieces. I was so looking forward to his coming home from university for Christmas, so we could try to get our friendship back on track. So we could just hang out and talk crap and get used to being just friends again. And since he was suggesting things for us to do, it seemed like this would all be great.

Until now. Just a passing remark, but something about it is stabbing me in the stomach. And I just do not know what to do at all. Do I just cry my way through this for god knows how long? Do I cut him out of my life? I don't want either. The only thing that got me through the break up in one piece was his insistance that we would still be friends, still be best friends. That nothing could change that. The idea of my life without him is terrifying. It's dark, lonely, cold and utterly, utterly horrible. But everytime I think of him with someone else, it's like being stabbed. Over and over again. So which is the best option?

How do people get over things? I've never really understood this. I've never really gotten over anything. Time and distance has helped a bit, I suppose, but I can still burst into tears when I think of past things and people that have broken my heart. My heart is still broken from all those hurts. It feels like I just don't have the bit of your brain that you're meant to have to get over things. I do not know how people do it. I suppose there's one or two things I have gotten over in the past. They still make me sad when I think about them, and I regret screwing things up, but I don't exactly cry over it anymore. But it took me 7 years to get to that point. That is clearly not normal.

And all of the things that I supposedly should be doing to try to get better mean turning my life upside down, all at once. And I just can't do that. I'm literally not in a position to do that. I need somewhere new to live, with different people or preferably on my own (and I have nowhere near enough money for that to be likely at any point in the near or even distant future). I need a new job. I need more money. I need new friends. And as someone stuck in a crappy job in a recession, who's gotten used to not having anyone around me, and spending 100% of my time alone, I just can't even imagine what not being like that looks like.

I still keep trying not to get annoyed at myself over all of this - to not my simply being upset and sad turn into self loathing and getting angry at myself, but that's getting harder and harder. Because the more I fail at fixing things, the more it is my fault. And even if I just try to accept that, without piling blame and guilt on myself, it doesn't seem to be doing much for me.

And possibly more than anything, I hate that it's Christmas right now. I love Christmas. Always have. But I always manage to get so, so, so sad that I'm alone every year. I mean, yeah, I go to my parents and everything for the holiday itself, but not having close friends and/or a boyfriend to hang out with and do all the things that everyone around me seems to do at Christmas is a torture that increases year on year. And I thought for a while there that this Christmas would be different. That I wouldn't be alone, because I'd have my boyfriend. My best friend. But now I feel like that's being ripped away from me at the worst possible time of year.

I know that it all comes down to the fantasizing - I imagine things being better instead of doing anything to achieve it. And I let my imagination run away with me. Why do I keep doing that? Why can't I get those things out of my head?

I just don't know what to do anymore. And I'm really, really tired of that.

Tired.

Today has not been a good day.

Work has gradually been getting more and more on top of me, so when something went wrong today I think that sort of set everything else off. I just don't know what to do anymore. I was so determined before that I wouldn't let this beat me, that I just had to be strong and stand my ground. But somehow that hasn't happened. I didn't really notice it not happening, until it hadn't, so to speak. It's as though the lights turned off so slowly and gradually that I didn't notice the darkness approaching until it was pitch black.

I don't think I'd go so far as to say that I've slipped back completely into old ways of thinking. I've still been trying to resist the thoughts of low self-worth and bat those away as best I can. But this rut that I've sunken into is more than just a dull, lifeless routine. I feel so completely lost sometimes. I don't trust my own judgement, so I don't know what the right course of action is. With anything at all. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even when I don't realise it - all of a sudden I'll just burst into tears and barely be able to figure out what might have started it or what I'm upset about.

I'm really struggling to understand this. I thought I was trying; I thought I had made some progress. And I know, somewhere in my head, I have made some progress. I'm not immediately turning this around to become yet another instrument to beat myself up with - at least not for too long, anyway. But I feel like nothing works. Meds, counselling, therapy, my mini-revelation. I don't quite understand what I'm doing wrong. And it doesn't help that there are so many things currently outside of my control that are making me feel worse. Stuff at work, stuff at home, family stuff, money stuff, left-over relationship stuff. As much as I know that I am the only one who can change anything in my life or in my head, it feels that there are so many external factors conspiring against me that the universe is just toying with me for its own malevolent amusement. The bastard.

I do want to keep on trying, I do. I don't want to give up because that is possibly more frightening than anything else. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't know what is the right answer anymore, which is the right direction. I can't seem to make any decisions for the life of me, because I honestly can't see clearly enough to know which choice I ought to make. I don't like that.

I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to give up. I don't want to resign myself to feeling like this all of the time and just accept that I'll always be miserable and alone and unhappy. But I need some sort of help. I don't know what that help is, where to find it, or how to know it when I see it, but I need it. I want to keep looking for it, but I'm getting tired.

Hurry up and wait.

I am both exceptionally lazy, and really bad at waiting. I don't quite understand how those two things square up, but there you have it.

I just can't seem to do anything these days. I'm constantly tired and lazy and never want to really do anything but lie around and nap. But at the same time, I'm incredibly impatient about some things. Especially anything in my head. I know that I just need to give it time to get past certain things, to move on. But I don't want to wait. I want things to be how I want them to be right now. This very minute. All this waiting and being patient crap does not sit well with me. It seems that anything outside of my control cannot happen soon enough, but the things inside my control can wait as long as I feel like it. Which isn't the most logical or sensible approach to these things.

I'm not entirely sure what's at the bottom of all this. Is it just a general laziness, that's come about from years of low energy, low mood, low everything? Or is it something more inherent in my personality? Do I have some sense of entitlement, that I deserve everything I want right now, without having to work for it? Is it some sort of need for instant gratification that's a worrying and depressing sign of our times? I dunno, but it's bloody stupid and annoying. I don't think I was always like this. I don't remember feeling like this when I was at school or university. But then maybe the structure of those sort of systems kept me afloat. Always things to have to do, by a certain time, and they were mostly things that I liked and enjoyed doing, so motivation wasn't as big a problem.

I really wish that I could get those things back - the energy, motivation, sense of purpose that I had from academia. I had dinner with an old friend from university recently, and she said that she doesn't think I've changed at all from our uni days. I don't know about that. Obviously, she doesn't know about my problems so I guess she doesn't have a lot of data to go off of. But it's nice to know that I still seem like myself to her, whatever that is. I guess my personality, my sense of humour, all that sort of stuff maybe hasn't changed that much. And in some ways, as much as it's draining to have to hide my problems from so many people so much of the time, there's almost something refreshing about being around someone who hasn't got a clue about them - it's like I can almost pretend that I don't have these problems and just be myself. Obviously that's only a temporary thing, and hardly a long-term approach to depression, but still. Gotta see the upsides where I can, I guess.

Ironically I think I'm a bit more confident now that I was at uni. I think that's partly just the effect of going out into the working world, being in increasingly more situations where I need confidence and such. And I think it's also partly because of the depression. It's weird, the sort of strength that you get from it. It doesn't feel like it a lot of the time - you feel so tired, so low, so afraid and lonely and unworthy so often. But somewhere there's some kind of 'well fuck the world' sort of thing that comes out of it. A feeling of 'what the hell can the world do to me now, things are already pretty bad' that gives you some sort of weird, quiet strength. And just knowing that I've had these problems for so long now, but they haven't done me in. Not quite yet, anyway. But I know that that means there's some sort of strength and energy in there. Somewhere. I just need to unearth it and put it to good use.

I have no idea how I got to this from the start of this post. It's weird, the way my train of thought can go, especially when I'm writing. I think that's why I need to do this more. Sometimes I do just get sick of thinking and talking about things, and I do feel a bit self-indulgent doing this, like I think my problems are so important that they should be aired to the world. But that's not my intention. Writing seems to help me get things straight more than just going over and over and over them in my head. So it seems like an actual productive thing. As well as kinda cathartic. And for some reason, writing vaguely publicly like this helps with that - when I would write just for myself, like a private diary or whatever, I would go down the rabbit hole of self-hatred far too often. I used it to torture myself for some odd reason. I don't know quite why that is - maybe I thought I had to play up to the idea of a victim or something.

I have to keep reminding myself of this - something has changed for me. Even though I've been feeling quite down and stuck and lost of late, it's still different than it used to me. Only a little bit different, at times, but still. I have to hold onto that and keep reminding myself. I very often don't want to - I want to sink into that pit of despair sometimes. It's perversely pleasant and comforting to drown in the negative. But I try not to let myself do it for long - just enough to realise that that is not how I want to be anymore. And yeah, maybe it's all a lot harder than it seemed at first when I had my 'revelation' or whatever the hell it was. I had so much energy then, it seems, that I don't now. But I'm still trying. Maybe I need to tone down my expectations a bit, but I'm trying. I think. I hope. And I guess that's the main thing. To have hope.

Once more unto the breach...

I know that this will probably seem rather self-involved and indulgent, not to mention terribly dull, but I think I maybe need to update the state of my head here a little bit more often. I seem to do better writing about things than letting them endlessly ruminate in my head, so maybe this will help me to stay on track a little bit better.

So, yesterday was quite a crappy day, as yesterday's post indicates. Everything seemed to be getting away from me, and the only thing that I could concentrate on was how lost and lonely and scared I felt. I cried - a lot - and went home and lay on my ass for hours watching tv and eating junk food. But somewhere along the way in the evening, I managed to get some work done (mostly because I absolutely had to, no other option). And I really did feel better for it. I wasn't going to bed stressing about how much work I would have in the morning and I felt relatively productive and like I accomplished something. Only a small something, and there are a million and one other things I need to do, but still. The day at least ended a little bit better.

Today I'm mostly tired. Which is par for the course with me at this time of day. I know that I really need to do something about exercising, because I think that's the only thing that will help on the tiredness front. My doctor has offered to give me exercise on prescription - basically 6 weeks' paid for access to a local council leisure centre. I'm a bit skeptical (mostly because there isn't a council leisure centre particularly convenient to me), but it's only 6 weeks so I can at least give that a try, right? Plus my weight is being brought up more and more by the doctor each time I visit. I'm not exactly obese (yet) but I'm definitely far too overweight and it's starting to cause me a lot of problems. Not least of which is the fact that very few of my clothes still fit me.

As for all of the other things that have been running around my head non-stop lately, I'm just trying to shut them out for the time being. Maybe I just needed a bit of a low day and a blow out like yesterday to help me re-start everything a bit. I don't know. But I feel a little bit better today, and that's something. I just have to try very hard now to keep that going.

Freaking out about things, obsessing over all of the things that I'm unhappy with in my life doesn't do a damned thing to fix them. And maybe there are some things I can't fix, and I need to accept that. I'm not very good at accepting things I don't like (understatement of the century, that is) but I need to figure out how. And for right now, I just have to try not to let it defeat me, at the very least.

And with that, back to work.

Rut.

I haven't really written anything much here in a while. That is not a good sign. I've gotten to a point now where I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to not be writing about what's going on in my head all the time. I get bored of thinking about it and going on about it, but I fear that not paying enough attention to what's going on up there leads to complacency and laziness.

I've definitely slipped into a bit of a rut the last month or so. Tired all the time, making excuses for not doing anything (even making dinner or tidying my room), I've ended up spending all of my time either asleep or barely conscious in front of the laptop. I can't seem to muster up much energy or enthusiasm for writing at all - hence my liveblogs of the X Factor and reviews of Spooks falling by the wayside a little. I've not managed to get settled on an idea for NaNoWriMo, and of course work has now gotten in the way.

I've been feeling vacant and empty; annoyed and angry at the most ridiculous things - this week the MTV EMAs being held in Belfast was a particular source of anger for me. Despite the fact that it's a great thing for the city, and has highlighted the local music scene that I'm such a fan of, I've just been pissed off by the whole thing. I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that I feel so alone. I was so determined a couple of months back to try to shake my life up, to reconnect with people and try to get out more. But it's not that easy. There simply are not a lot of people in my life at all - not in this country, let alone town - with whom I can do things. Things as simple as just going to the cinema or the pub - there's no one I can just call up and hang out with. And I can't just magic new friends out of thin air. I've been trying to reconnect with old friends and I have done, to some extent, but that doesn't mean that we can start hanging out every night, it's a once every 6 weeks sort of thing. And I can't expect anymore than that - I'm grateful for that much, at least.

And that all leads to resentment that I can't do things that I want because I have no one to do them with, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness and emptiness. There are all these adverts on the radio and tv here at the moment promoting mental health and trying to encourage people to seek help. They all urge anyone feeling depressed to talk to someone, a friend, a family member, anyone. Everytime I hear one of those ads I can't help but scoff at them - if I had anyone to bloody talk to in the first place, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.

I'm not quite getting to the point of hating myself in quite the same way as I used to - I'm managing to keep a bit of a lid on that, for the most part. It's not always easy though - it's scary how quickly I can fall back into old ways of thinking without even noticing until it's almost too late.

Mostly, the worst thing about this is that it gives me too much time to myself inside my head. I spend all of my time alone, pretty much. I sit in an office by myself all day. I go home and sit in my room all night. I never go out, I never have plans. I don't even have as many people to talk to online anymore because of my social media avoidance. All that time to myself, inside this head, is not a good thing. It's very definitely a Bad Thing. Too much time to think about things, to dwell on stuff. And perhaps more dangerously, too much time to daydream and fantasise about everything being ok. Too much time to create an alternate reality in my head where I do have friends, a boyfriend, where everything is how I'd like it to be. And then the harsh light of day when I'm forced to remember that none of that is true.

And I know that I'm the only one who can control the thoughts inside my own head. I'm not trying to make excuses about that. I know that the only way to get more energy to do things - even if it's just productive little things at home like laundry and tidying and making dinner - is by doing things in the first place, no matter how tired or pissed off I might be. But it's hard not to feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Getting out and being around people is what I need the most right now, but I just don't have anyone to do that with.

This is a bit of a rambly, incoherent post, but I've been struggling to concentrate in work so I figured I may as well try to get some of this out there. I have no idea what the answer to any of this is. Just to try harder, I guess.

...in which I lose my mind listening to local radio.

Oof, things are getting a bit tougher. I'm under a lot of pressure in work today and have literally no idea how to do everything that I need to do in time. I've not really been feeling the stress this much since my whole big revelation thing (really, that sounds so lame, I need a better word for it. Suggestions on a postcard, please!). And there are various irritants that have been bugging me today, but I'm still determined not to give into it. I don't want to slip into bad habits of getting angry and trying to make other people angry on my behalf, or at least try to make them feel sympathy for me. That way madness lies.

Another thing that's been bothering me a little is how much I'm daydreaming. I find it really hard not to. I have a lot of alone time - whether it's when I start getting a little bored with my work (I have my own office so I have to actually get up and go somewhere else to talk to people), sitting on the bus, in bed at night/in the morning when I can't sleep etc etc - it's a lot of time in my own head and I don't really know what I should do about that. What do other people have in their heads in those sort of situations? I genuinely am not sure if what I do is normal or not. I try to come up with things to think about to distract me - dinner, laundry that needs done, what I'm going to wear tomorrow, all that sort of stuff. But almost before I know it my head has wandered onto things that don't do me any good. I've gotten so used to entertaining myself in my head with these sort of daydreams that it's a really difficult habit to break. But I know I need to - it's not good for me, and I am trying.

I hope that these sort of posts don't sound negative/complaining. I'm mostly just trying to work things out by getting them out of me, and I'm trying to just acknowledge my behaviour/thinking, rather than give myself grief for it. I think I'm doing pretty ok on that front so far - I've not been beating myself up about things, just trying to stop when I catch myself doing something counterproductive.

Well, this has been a thoroughly uninteresting post. I guess that's what spending the morning listening to local talk radio does for you. Frankly, I'm just lucky not to be trying to jump off the roof after listening to all this crap. I defy anyone to have to listen to this on a regular basis and not lose at least a little bit of their sanity! I will endeavour to think of something more awesome later on.

Today, I'm so-so. Increasingly nervous, as I mentioned last night, but still determined to not let it get the best of me. I used to think before that I had to act like I was depressed, to justify the condition or something. I realise now that none of that matters. I don't care who does or does not believe that I genuinely have problems with depression or anxiety or whatever, so I don't need to spend the whole day in tears, or try to fit into some notion of what a sufferer is supposed to look or act like. All that matters now is that I try my damnedest to get better.

I think going to sleep is the most difficult part of the day for me. It's always been when things would play on my mind a lot, and when I would employ the daydreaming tactic the most, to try to comfort me and get the things I didn't want to think about out of my head. It's a struggle not to do that. Hence, it took me hours to get to sleep last night, even though I was up late and had been working most of that time. I tried my best to get my mind onto other things though - listing stuff, coming up with ideas to write about, what time I'd get up at in the morning. Anything at all, so long as it wasn't likely to cause me any kind of consternation to stop me sleeping.

I did come up with an idea that I really want to pursue for a writing project, so that's something. I'm finding I'm starting to have more ideas now. Even if they're shit ones, at least there are ideas - there were none before. My mind just felt so blank and vacent. It's nice to feel like I'm getting my imagination (the productive one, not the one where I imagine that everything will be ok without me doing anything to make it so) and my sense of humour back. I feel a bit more like myself again, and even though I've said I'm trying not to make my feelings of self worth the focus of this, I think those feelings are improving. A little bit, anyway, for today. And that's good enough for right now, I guess.

I'm really curious about how this all comes across to other people who suffer from any kind of depression or anxiety issues - especially anyone who's battled through it. I know it's different for everyone, of course, but I'm just kinda curious to know if what I'm describing seems familiar to other people, or if it's all a bunch of shit.

It might also be evident that my nerves are making me post and write a lot. I just keep feeling like I need to *do* something and work isn't quite keeping my attention. However, I have a lot to get done today, so back to the coalface I go....

Thoughts of a rainy afternoon

Rather predictably, things are getting a tad harder each day. Energy and motivation are drifting off a little bit (though the tiredness may be partly down to the increase in meds, I can't tell for sure), but I guess that's to be expected. I'm very much aware that it's getting closer to the discussion I'm supposed to be having with my boyfriend (if I can even call him that anymore, I'm honestly not sure) about everything, and I'm getting nervous. Which is, in turn, making me retreat into daydreaming that things will work out.

But, the point is, I'm still trying. I'm trying not to do that, I'm trying to get my work done, I'm trying not to think about my self worth. I think that's sort of the key to this whole thing - not to sweep my low self-esteem under the carpet by any means, but to stop dwelling on it so much. I will never feel better about myself if I continually think about nothing but how bad I feel about myself. I have to focus on doing, rather than thinking - making the changes I need to make to be the person I want to be, so that I don't have these feelings of low/non-existent self worth. That probably sounds both incredibly corny and really, really obvious.

This is all really obvious though, that's the thing. All of this is stuff I've heard over and over again in counselling over the years. I've nodded my head and said yes, I understand. And I thought I did, but it never really hit home till this past week. I'm trying as hard as I can not to let go of that realization. I really do feel differently about it all now. As I mentioned previously, I used to use this depression stuff as some sort of badge or label to make excuses for myself, and to try to garner sympathy and attention. Maybe I thought people couldn't care about me as I was, they'd only care if I made them feel sorry for me? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm done with that. I don't want to be the victim or the martyr anymore. I want to kick this thing's ass. If anyone thinks of me as special, I want it to be because I've fought this and managed to be a decent person through it (well, from now on - whether or not I've been a decent person in the past needs to be irrelevant to me now, it's past and gone). And I want to be proud of myself for doing that.

Anyway, that's just some of today's thoughts. As much as this is probably rather self-indulgent, I'm trying to make it a productive and positive thing, even if it doesn't read that way! I do definitely want to start writing about things other than myself and what goes on in my head, though. But I've spent a lot of time up in there over the years, so it's kinda hard to figure out what I want to write about, or even how. I've never done so well with writing without any kind of structure - I like to be given deadlines and tasks. I seem to need some sort of constraints to keep me focused when I'm writing. So I guess I just need a lot more practice at writing to be more disciplined with it. We'll see what happens with that, I guess. (And yes, I'm aware that this waffling does not bode well for that....)