I only ever seem to write here about how tough things are getting. That's unfortunate. I've lost the will to pay sufficient attention to the likes of the X Factor to liveblog it, and I just don't seem to have much else in my head these days, but how tough things are getting.
It's an uphill struggle these days, it really is. I'm trying really hard not to be negative about myself, not to slip into those old ways of thinking where as soon as I get upset/stressed out/annoyed about something that I make it all about me and how awful I am, and how much I loathe myself, etc etc etc. Sometimes I've slipped a bit too far towards that before I catch myself on, but I'm trying.
But the thing that's distressing me most at the minute is my apparent inability to take my mind off things that are concerning me. They rattle around and around and around my head, like a pinball going at lightening speed. And the things concerning me are mostly things outside of my control. I can't do much about them, I can't 'fix' them. So they fly around inside my head and torture me.
Not being able to fix things is an increasingly bigger problem for me. I've realised that I have this need to try to fix everything - to take on the responsibility for everything, and try to make it better. Sometimes because I think it's my fault and it's up to me to sort it out; sometimes because my bizarre perfectionism makes me think I'm the only one who can sort it out; and sometimes just because. Because I just can't handle anything being wrong or broken or not right. I don't seem to have any clue how to accept things not being how I want them to be - I just can't get my head around the idea that I can't fix something.
And then I spend so much time fixating on the things that I can't fix, that I don't pay any attention to the things that I possibly could do anything about. For example, something that I can't fix but can't get my mind off of: the situation with my ex-boyfriend. Something that I can do something about but keep ignoring: sorting out appointments with recruitment agencies, sorting out projects for Christmas that need to be done asap, getting myself some exercise to combat the weight, the sleeping problems and my general overall health.
I know I'm being an ass about it but I just keep doing it. I was about to write that I just can't help it there, but that's not true and I damn well know it. I have to keep trying so hard to remind myself that that is never, ever true. I can help it, I can change the way I react to things, but only by trying really hard, every single day. In some ways, trying to combat the depression is so much more difficult than the depression itself. It takes so much effort. It's so easy to forget, to just slip back into old, lazy ways.
A huge part of the problem is that I spend too much time alone. Far too much. Basically all of my time. I need more time with other people to stop my head wandering to places that it shouldn't. But that's not a prolbem that's all that easily solved - I literally have no one to hang out with. I have a friend from uni who I've been getting back in touch with lately and we meet up for dinner about once a month but that's it. And I suspect that she's slightly peeved at me at the moment for not going away for another friend's birthday for the weekend, but I'm far too skint to contemplate it.
But there's no one else. I don't get on so well with my flatmates, and they spend all of their free time with their boyfriends anyway. Another friend who I used to hang out with sometimes has been basically ignoring me since she started going out with her boyfriend last year (and of course competing with everyone else's boyfriends is helping me feel just super about my own situation...), I've barely been able to see her or get any kind of response from her since. She always agrees that yes, we must catch up soon, but it's always put off and off and off, and I just can't really consider her a proper friend anymore, because it's too much of a continual disappointment.
My doctor keeps insisting that I need to join a club or a class or something, but she really doesn't get that I have absolutely zero funds for such an endeavour, and none of my interests really lend themselves to that sort of thing, so I have no idea what I'd do. As much as I know that she's right about me needing to be around people more, I just don't know what the right answer to that is for me. I've never been the joining a club sort of person. The only things I was involved at in school were musical, despite my having zero musical ability. And the only choir I'm aware of in Belfast that I could join has the friend mentioned above in it, and at this point I don't really want to have too much to do with her.
I'm making excuses for myself, I know that, and I know that I need to cut that right out. But I can't help but feel that if something doesn't sound interesting and slightly comfortable to me, then I'm not going to be very good at meeting people through it.
I don't know, I've exhausted myself thinking about it now. And that's another problem - I just get so bloody tired all the time that I give up and just turn my attention to finding something to watch on tv instead.
And now I want a nap.
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