Evidence of things unseen

I suppose I should really write something here. Hopefully something a tad less dramatic than my last post.

I realise now that it perhaps sounded a bit more sinister than was my intention. When I talk of giving up and so on, I don't mean giving up on actually being alive and breathing and what not - I mean giving up on the idea of anything ever getting any better. Giving up the hope that can be so painful so often. It feels so much like everytime I have hope that things might change, that things can get better that something comes along to knock me down, and then kick me when I'm down, then stamp on my head, piss on me and leave me there for scavenging animals to try to eat. Not that I'm being melodramatic or anything... But it's increasingly difficult to try to focus on the bright side when it feels like the universe punishes me every time that I do.

Which is what brings me to the topic of this lovely little post - evidence. Evidence is a pretty big part of my depression and anxiety problems, now that I think about it. I have all of this evidence stored up inside for every time something has gone wrong, everytime something hasn't gone my way, everytime someone has let me down or hurt me (intentionally or otherwise). And it's very difficult to see evidence for anything more positive. Everything becomes distorted and corrupted in your mind, you absolutely cannot believe anything good that's ever happened, anything good that anyone has ever said to you. Anything good is all lies, as far as you're concerned.

One of the techniques of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is to list the pros and cons to things - make out an actual list of the reasons for and against anything that you think. It's supposed to force you to recognise that you're not always right about the things that you think, to stop you over-generalising and catastrophising everything and look at the details instead of just going off the rails. It's a difficult balancing act, though, to actually make yourself recognise and accept any of the good things. That's what I've been struggling with a lot lately.

For a while there I kept trying - no matter how down I got - to not turn it into a self-worth thing, to not beat myself up everytime I got upset or annoyed or emotional about something. I tried to just accept my flaws rather than focus all my energy on them and how awful a person I must be as a result, and tried to concentrate instead on the person that I want to be. To actually try to be a bit better instead of just complaining to myself that I'm so awful all the time.

But that gets hard sometimes. When you get let down or disappointed or struggle to cope with something not going as you had hoped it would, it got more and more difficult for me to keep trying to focus on the practical, positive, proactive side of things. It didn't even feel like self hate a lot of the time - it was fear. Paralysing, horrible, horrible fear. That I was so much worse a person than I thought, because why else would these things be happening to me? Have I just been kidding myself, pulling the wool over my eyes - am I really so much worse than I ever thought I was, and that's why all of this is happening? And if I'm so awful when I thought I was trying to get better, then I must just be a waste of space, I can't do anything right and should just give up. It went something like that.

I seem to have a fear of not being able to see the real evidence in front of me. I'm terrified of discovering that I've been blind to something, that I've been stupid not to see what's right in my face. I suppose maybe that's something to do with the perfectionism - not just the not being perfect part, but being wrong. I hate being wrong. I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing what to do next, what the right answer is or how to find the answer. In some ways, that's a positive trait in me - I suppose it's what always made me good at research and really enjoy learning things and gave me a curiosity about the world and education. But when you turn that sort of inspection towards yourself, it can all go horribly wrong.

And then on top of all of that, there's the sense of failure. I was so convinced a few months ago that I'd made some sort of breakthrough, that things were really, honestly going to be different. And that I've managed to have such an awful month or two makes me feel rather defeated. It makes me question everything. Do I just keep trying, or am I trying at the wrong thing? Is there something I should be doing differently? And if so, what is it, and how do I find out? And so often, that all just gets so exhausting. It feels physically hard to keep going on, keep getting out of bed and going through the motions each day. Very real and scary financial implications for me and my family are the only things that do eventually drag me out of bed. But that becomes so much effort, that it's hard to find the energy or motivation to do anything else.

I need help with this. But I don't know what sort. New meds? Therapy? Although I can't afford therapy and I don't know if I have any free options left to me at the moment. I know I need to get out and socialise more but I've gotten to the point where I just don't seem to have many friends left, and those that I do have I can only see or talk to once in a blue moon because they're too busy. And then there's the whole can of worms of whether or not to tell anyone anything about my problems, which is a whole other post on its own. My doctor keeps telling me to get out and exercise more. To try to find a hobby or something that involves other people. I don't think she gets just how far gone I am - I can barely force myself to be around my flatmates, trying to do something like that is like entering the Olympics before I can walk. And I feel so confined by so many aspects of my situation that I, once again, don't know what the right answer is. I have zero funds at all for anything - I'm finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meet, let alone finding any disposable income for extracurricular activities. My work schedule is such that I never have free time that I can depend upon - I have to work from home when I'm sick and when I'm on leave, so I can't exactly commit much of my free time to anything because there just isn't much. And I'm so physically exhausted all the time from not sleeping properly that doing anything other than collapsing as soon as I get in the door seems like an impossibility.

Now I'm starting to make excuses for things, I know that. As much as I need some help and support, I need to do this myself because no one can do it for me. I need to make the effort. Trying to figure out that balance between doing it myself and needing and wanting help has always been a struggle for me. I always seem to oscillate between being so desperate for friends and relationships - people I can rely on - and being so hurt and disappointed by the failure of such relationships that I give up on people altogether. Neither is really working for me.

Anyway, that's just some thoughts for the time being. Maybe getting some of this stuff down here will get it out of my head for a bit so I can actually have some thoughts in there about something other than my mental health. It'd be a nice change.

Hope?

I'm doing a bit better today. I managed to distract myself yesterday and get a few things done, which helped take my mind off of things a bit. I'm trying really hard not to let myself slip back into all those dark potholes along the road, and I think I'm getting somewhere. Maybe. I hope, anyway. I just have to keep reminding myself of everything that I realised and felt when I had my 'revelation' a few months ago. I need to focus on who I want to be, not who I am now, or what's going on now to upset me. I have to keep in mind who I want to be, who I think I really am underneath all of this shit, and keep trying to get there. That makes it sound a helluva lot easier than it actually is, and I'm not exactly doing cartwheels over here, but I'm trying. That's something, I guess.

As for the whole ex situation, that's a bit more complicated. But I think I might have figured something out there too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. This doesn't have to be all sorted out perfectly, one way or the other, right now. If we both really meant everything we said about how much we care about each other and wanting to stay friends, then that's how it will be. It won't always be easy or comfortable, but as long as we don't let go of the friendship, we'll figure our way through it somehow. Eventually.

Or something like that. I think I'm less articulate when I'm less upset, for some reason. Makes wanting to be both a writer and sane a little difficult, really. Anyway, I'm trying to get back to real life and not let everything in my head overtake that. Making Christmas presents, baking cookies, working, tidying, doing laundry, all that stuff. May not sound all that exciting or that big of a deal, but anything that might help me cling onto my life is worth a shot.

Normal?

Man, does life suck sometimes. Everytime I think I'm getting somewhere, something just comes and smashes me right back down again. With everything, even the little things. I thought I was getting on top of things at work, but there's tons more to do than I thought so I'm screwed. I thought I was getting to being ok with myself, and with the break-up with my ex, but I am so, so, so not.

I don't know why I do this. I don't even know how I do it. I live in this little fantasy world all the time, where I banish all bad thoughts with imaginings and fantasies about everything being fine. And then reality rears its head, and I'm right back where I started again. I just feel like I do not know what I'm doing. At all. I don't know what's the right thing to do, what's the wrong thing.

I'm told that I catastrophise things all the time - always imagine the worst case scenario, become convinced that that's what's going to happen, and freak out. But when I try to rationalise that maybe that's not what's going to happen, that I don't have much evidence for that, I end up being proven right about the disaster. Like with my ex - we've been keeping in touch since we broke up. Not the way it used to be before - we used to talk all day every day then. We'd tell each other everything. Now it's just the odd message and email here and there. And I don't know what it's ok to talk to him about. I used to be able to talk to him about anything, and I just don't know what the rules are for this sort of thing, and it's awkward to talk about that via phones and email. Every now and then I'd get freaked out that he was seeing someone else. I had no evidence for this, just paranoia on my part. So I'd tell myself that - that chances are he probably wasn't. That chances were, he was telling me the truth when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and that it was bad timing with us, so he wouldn't be looking to get involved with anyone else so soon after us breaking up.

But now I'm not so sure. It seems like I was maybe right in the first place - that he just didn't want to be with me, and that he might be seeing someone else. And I cannot handle this. At all. I'm completely falling to pieces. I was so looking forward to his coming home from university for Christmas, so we could try to get our friendship back on track. So we could just hang out and talk crap and get used to being just friends again. And since he was suggesting things for us to do, it seemed like this would all be great.

Until now. Just a passing remark, but something about it is stabbing me in the stomach. And I just do not know what to do at all. Do I just cry my way through this for god knows how long? Do I cut him out of my life? I don't want either. The only thing that got me through the break up in one piece was his insistance that we would still be friends, still be best friends. That nothing could change that. The idea of my life without him is terrifying. It's dark, lonely, cold and utterly, utterly horrible. But everytime I think of him with someone else, it's like being stabbed. Over and over again. So which is the best option?

How do people get over things? I've never really understood this. I've never really gotten over anything. Time and distance has helped a bit, I suppose, but I can still burst into tears when I think of past things and people that have broken my heart. My heart is still broken from all those hurts. It feels like I just don't have the bit of your brain that you're meant to have to get over things. I do not know how people do it. I suppose there's one or two things I have gotten over in the past. They still make me sad when I think about them, and I regret screwing things up, but I don't exactly cry over it anymore. But it took me 7 years to get to that point. That is clearly not normal.

And all of the things that I supposedly should be doing to try to get better mean turning my life upside down, all at once. And I just can't do that. I'm literally not in a position to do that. I need somewhere new to live, with different people or preferably on my own (and I have nowhere near enough money for that to be likely at any point in the near or even distant future). I need a new job. I need more money. I need new friends. And as someone stuck in a crappy job in a recession, who's gotten used to not having anyone around me, and spending 100% of my time alone, I just can't even imagine what not being like that looks like.

I still keep trying not to get annoyed at myself over all of this - to not my simply being upset and sad turn into self loathing and getting angry at myself, but that's getting harder and harder. Because the more I fail at fixing things, the more it is my fault. And even if I just try to accept that, without piling blame and guilt on myself, it doesn't seem to be doing much for me.

And possibly more than anything, I hate that it's Christmas right now. I love Christmas. Always have. But I always manage to get so, so, so sad that I'm alone every year. I mean, yeah, I go to my parents and everything for the holiday itself, but not having close friends and/or a boyfriend to hang out with and do all the things that everyone around me seems to do at Christmas is a torture that increases year on year. And I thought for a while there that this Christmas would be different. That I wouldn't be alone, because I'd have my boyfriend. My best friend. But now I feel like that's being ripped away from me at the worst possible time of year.

I know that it all comes down to the fantasizing - I imagine things being better instead of doing anything to achieve it. And I let my imagination run away with me. Why do I keep doing that? Why can't I get those things out of my head?

I just don't know what to do anymore. And I'm really, really tired of that.

Pinball Wizard

I only ever seem to write here about how tough things are getting. That's unfortunate. I've lost the will to pay sufficient attention to the likes of the X Factor to liveblog it, and I just don't seem to have much else in my head these days, but how tough things are getting.

It's an uphill struggle these days, it really is. I'm trying really hard not to be negative about myself, not to slip into those old ways of thinking where as soon as I get upset/stressed out/annoyed about something that I make it all about me and how awful I am, and how much I loathe myself, etc etc etc. Sometimes I've slipped a bit too far towards that before I catch myself on, but I'm trying.

But the thing that's distressing me most at the minute is my apparent inability to take my mind off things that are concerning me. They rattle around and around and around my head, like a pinball going at lightening speed. And the things concerning me are mostly things outside of my control. I can't do much about them, I can't 'fix' them. So they fly around inside my head and torture me.

Not being able to fix things is an increasingly bigger problem for me. I've realised that I have this need to try to fix everything - to take on the responsibility for everything, and try to make it better. Sometimes because I think it's my fault and it's up to me to sort it out; sometimes because my bizarre perfectionism makes me think I'm the only one who can sort it out; and sometimes just because. Because I just can't handle anything being wrong or broken or not right. I don't seem to have any clue how to accept things not being how I want them to be - I just can't get my head around the idea that I can't fix something.

And then I spend so much time fixating on the things that I can't fix, that I don't pay any attention to the things that I possibly could do anything about. For example, something that I can't fix but can't get my mind off of: the situation with my ex-boyfriend. Something that I can do something about but keep ignoring: sorting out appointments with recruitment agencies, sorting out projects for Christmas that need to be done asap, getting myself some exercise to combat the weight, the sleeping problems and my general overall health.

I know I'm being an ass about it but I just keep doing it. I was about to write that I just can't help it there, but that's not true and I damn well know it. I have to keep trying so hard to remind myself that that is never, ever true. I can help it, I can change the way I react to things, but only by trying really hard, every single day. In some ways, trying to combat the depression is so much more difficult than the depression itself. It takes so much effort. It's so easy to forget, to just slip back into old, lazy ways.

A huge part of the problem is that I spend too much time alone. Far too much. Basically all of my time. I need more time with other people to stop my head wandering to places that it shouldn't. But that's not a prolbem that's all that easily solved - I literally have no one to hang out with. I have a friend from uni who I've been getting back in touch with lately and we meet up for dinner about once a month but that's it. And I suspect that she's slightly peeved at me at the moment for not going away for another friend's birthday for the weekend, but I'm far too skint to contemplate it.

But there's no one else. I don't get on so well with my flatmates, and they spend all of their free time with their boyfriends anyway. Another friend who I used to hang out with sometimes has been basically ignoring me since she started going out with her boyfriend last year (and of course competing with everyone else's boyfriends is helping me feel just super about my own situation...), I've barely been able to see her or get any kind of response from her since. She always agrees that yes, we must catch up soon, but it's always put off and off and off, and I just can't really consider her a proper friend anymore, because it's too much of a continual disappointment.

My doctor keeps insisting that I need to join a club or a class or something, but she really doesn't get that I have absolutely zero funds for such an endeavour, and none of my interests really lend themselves to that sort of thing, so I have no idea what I'd do. As much as I know that she's right about me needing to be around people more, I just don't know what the right answer to that is for me. I've never been the joining a club sort of person. The only things I was involved at in school were musical, despite my having zero musical ability. And the only choir I'm aware of in Belfast that I could join has the friend mentioned above in it, and at this point I don't really want to have too much to do with her.

I'm making excuses for myself, I know that, and I know that I need to cut that right out. But I can't help but feel that if something doesn't sound interesting and slightly comfortable to me, then I'm not going to be very good at meeting people through it.

I don't know, I've exhausted myself thinking about it now. And that's another problem - I just get so bloody tired all the time that I give up and just turn my attention to finding something to watch on tv instead.

And now I want a nap.

Tired.

Today has not been a good day.

Work has gradually been getting more and more on top of me, so when something went wrong today I think that sort of set everything else off. I just don't know what to do anymore. I was so determined before that I wouldn't let this beat me, that I just had to be strong and stand my ground. But somehow that hasn't happened. I didn't really notice it not happening, until it hadn't, so to speak. It's as though the lights turned off so slowly and gradually that I didn't notice the darkness approaching until it was pitch black.

I don't think I'd go so far as to say that I've slipped back completely into old ways of thinking. I've still been trying to resist the thoughts of low self-worth and bat those away as best I can. But this rut that I've sunken into is more than just a dull, lifeless routine. I feel so completely lost sometimes. I don't trust my own judgement, so I don't know what the right course of action is. With anything at all. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even when I don't realise it - all of a sudden I'll just burst into tears and barely be able to figure out what might have started it or what I'm upset about.

I'm really struggling to understand this. I thought I was trying; I thought I had made some progress. And I know, somewhere in my head, I have made some progress. I'm not immediately turning this around to become yet another instrument to beat myself up with - at least not for too long, anyway. But I feel like nothing works. Meds, counselling, therapy, my mini-revelation. I don't quite understand what I'm doing wrong. And it doesn't help that there are so many things currently outside of my control that are making me feel worse. Stuff at work, stuff at home, family stuff, money stuff, left-over relationship stuff. As much as I know that I am the only one who can change anything in my life or in my head, it feels that there are so many external factors conspiring against me that the universe is just toying with me for its own malevolent amusement. The bastard.

I do want to keep on trying, I do. I don't want to give up because that is possibly more frightening than anything else. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I don't know what is the right answer anymore, which is the right direction. I can't seem to make any decisions for the life of me, because I honestly can't see clearly enough to know which choice I ought to make. I don't like that.

I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to give up. I don't want to resign myself to feeling like this all of the time and just accept that I'll always be miserable and alone and unhappy. But I need some sort of help. I don't know what that help is, where to find it, or how to know it when I see it, but I need it. I want to keep looking for it, but I'm getting tired.

Panic stations...

Hmm. Today is not fun so far. I was out of the office yesterday for a course that I'm doing (for work) and apparently a client came on complaining that they hadn't received something they should've gotten ages ago. Now, the client is perfectly entitled to feel annoyed about this - it's something that slipped my mind. I had been working on it, then I got sick and some other drama reared its head, and it completely slipped off my radar. My fault.

However. I am also the only person in my department. There used to be 3 of us, then 2, then one part time person as well as me, and now it's just me. And we have more work than ever before. I have been trying to point out just how impractical and unsustainable this is to my boss, but being the sort of person that I am, I'm not great with confrontation so I've obviously not been making myself clear enough. I've also been stupid enough to just work all the hours in the day to get things done, and the more that I do this, the more my boss expects it of me.

So the story today is that he doesn't seem to be too happy with me that things have slipped behind, despite my telling him repeatedly that things were behind, and that I was doing my best, but there's only so many hours in the day. And I don't get paid for all that many of them. Therefore, I'm feeling much more anxious and panicky today than I have done in a while. I am trying hard not to get overwhelmed, or to fall apart, and just take deep breaths and concentrate on what I need to do. But I'm very nervous about having to talk to my boss about all of this. It's an inherent part of my nature - I've always been a good girl, who does things by the rules and never gets in trouble. And now I feel like I'm being called into the headmaster's office to be shouted at.

It has also been an inherent part of my nature up until now to feel responsible for everything and to feel like I have to try to fix everything. But that just is not working anymore. I have to try to be strong to just do the work I'm getting paid for and not keep giving into the pressure, but also to make that clear to my boss so that he is aware of my workload.

This is a bit of a meh post, I know, I just find it helpful to write this out to try to keep myself calm instead of getting worked up about it.

Lost weekend

I'd like to say it was a lost weekend due to partying hard or something like that, but unfortunately it was just my being lazy and a bit crap. I slept far too much (partly thanks to my neighbours keeping me up till at least 5 or 6am on Friday night/Saturday morning) and just lay around watching tv instead of doing any of the things that I intended to. I'm giving myself a by ball for that one, and I'll get back on track today. Things to do include working on my CV, an application form, and completing my next CBT session.

I think I did slip a little this weekend. The devil makes work for idle hands indeed - all that time spent alone, with my own thoughts, and little else to engage my mind was not that good for me. I was either getting worried about things, or off daydreaming about everything being ok. Neither of those activities are particularly productive. But the important thing is to just accept that, and move on. No point beating myself up for slipping a bit, and getting mad at myself. I'm only human, of course I'm going to slip occasionally. But so long as I don't let it overwhelm me and start to define me again, I think I'm still moving in the right direction.

In other news, it's flipping cold here, thanks to gale force winds courtesy of the tail end of Hurricane Katia. Summer is definitely over, then. I've finally given up hope of us getting a brief blast of summery weather so that I can wear my summer clothes, and I'm embracing the boots, jumpers and coats of autumn and winter. Thankfully, I love winter clothes (especially coats - I think I have an actual problem with coats). And with winter comes Christmas, which I also completely love and get super excited and hyperactive about. Although I'm a tad apprehensive about it this year - all the plans I had for it in my head are now rapidly dissolving alongside my relationship, so it won't be quite what I had hoped. I'm trying not to dwell on that too much, though. Instead, I'm just thinking of the awesome floppy felt hat I saw in New Look recently that I must have. And the one I bought a little while ago that I've not had a chance to wear yet. Apparently hats make me happy.

Anyway, this has been a decidedly random post, for which I apologise. I've got a lot of work ahead of me over the next couple of weeks as my course (finally!) comes to an end, so hopefully after that I'll have a lot more time for proper writing and actually getting into some of the ideas that I've had recently. That should give me October to plan, and November to do NaNoWriMo. If the wind hasn't whisked me away to Oz before then.

Thinking is hard

Hmm. Last night was a bit of a bust. I was starting to feel a bit low and blank and didn't really know what to do to counteract it. I ended up going for Torchwood and pizza. I think that helped. Probably because Torchwood has gotten so completely ridiculous that it takes your mind off of anything even remotely real.

But the whole daydreaming thing is becoming a bigger and bigger problem for me. It's my go-to for so much - to comfort myself, when I'm bored, when I'm sitting on the bus, when I can't get to sleep. It's really tough to break away from it - I need to fill my head with something else, but I literally don't know what. It's like when someone asks you to tell them a joke - suddenly you can't think of anything. I try to think of things, no matter how random or silly, to fill my head with and nothing happens. It's infuriating. Especially when I'm trying to get to sleep and don't really want to exert my mind too much, because I'm trying to stay sleepy. I think I need to actually *do* more things in the evenings. Last night I was sort of looking forward to having an evening to myself, as I'd had to work the last week or so, but it just left me restless and fidgety.

I think I need to spend more time with other people as well - all this time to myself can't be good for me. But I feel a bit caught between a rock and a hard place where that's concerned. All of my relationship stuff sort of puts me off wanting to be around other people right now as I don't want them to ask about it (nor do I want to lie about it) because I'm really not ready to talk to them about it yet. So I sort of feel like I need to avoid people a bit. But I need the company. Rock - me - hard place.

Anyway, that's where I am at the minute.

Gearing up for a fight

Hmm. Today has been a bit bumpy. I was feeling very under pressure and irritated at work, and because of certain things on my mind I'm starting to get rather anxious and getting that flippy feeling in my stomach - the bad kind. I'm trying not to give into it, I just can't put my finger on what I need to do to get rid of it though. I'm not feeling very clear on anything, I feel a bit fuzzy, if that makes sense. I don't like that. I was getting used to not feeling like that - numb and vacant. I don't want it back plz.

I think working on my CV tonight might help a bit. It might help me regain some sense of control, plus I really do need to set the wheels in motion to get myself a new job. I'll need to take a day soon to make appointments with recruitment agencies and the like, just go round all of them with copies of my CV and get things started. It'll take a while for anything to come of that, so the sooner I get on it the better.

Time is bothering me a bit at the minute too. I'm trying not to focus on regrets or anything like that, but I can't help but wish that all this had happened a few months back, at the start of the summer. But, that's hardly productive thinking so there's no point thinking about it, really.

I feel like I'm really getting into the hard part of this now. It was one thing making the connections and having this big moment of realisation, and the sort of high that carried me on for a few days - but now the stuff that bothers me is starting to rear its ugly head again, and I'm getting more embroiled in the 'fight' aspect of this. I'm still determined, though. And perhaps most importantly - I'm noticing when I'm slipping back a bit, and trying my best not to let it get the better of me. This won't be easy, but I can and will do it. I have to. I've let enough of my life get messed up by it, I won't let that happen again.

...in which I lose my mind listening to local radio.

Oof, things are getting a bit tougher. I'm under a lot of pressure in work today and have literally no idea how to do everything that I need to do in time. I've not really been feeling the stress this much since my whole big revelation thing (really, that sounds so lame, I need a better word for it. Suggestions on a postcard, please!). And there are various irritants that have been bugging me today, but I'm still determined not to give into it. I don't want to slip into bad habits of getting angry and trying to make other people angry on my behalf, or at least try to make them feel sympathy for me. That way madness lies.

Another thing that's been bothering me a little is how much I'm daydreaming. I find it really hard not to. I have a lot of alone time - whether it's when I start getting a little bored with my work (I have my own office so I have to actually get up and go somewhere else to talk to people), sitting on the bus, in bed at night/in the morning when I can't sleep etc etc - it's a lot of time in my own head and I don't really know what I should do about that. What do other people have in their heads in those sort of situations? I genuinely am not sure if what I do is normal or not. I try to come up with things to think about to distract me - dinner, laundry that needs done, what I'm going to wear tomorrow, all that sort of stuff. But almost before I know it my head has wandered onto things that don't do me any good. I've gotten so used to entertaining myself in my head with these sort of daydreams that it's a really difficult habit to break. But I know I need to - it's not good for me, and I am trying.

I hope that these sort of posts don't sound negative/complaining. I'm mostly just trying to work things out by getting them out of me, and I'm trying to just acknowledge my behaviour/thinking, rather than give myself grief for it. I think I'm doing pretty ok on that front so far - I've not been beating myself up about things, just trying to stop when I catch myself doing something counterproductive.

Well, this has been a thoroughly uninteresting post. I guess that's what spending the morning listening to local talk radio does for you. Frankly, I'm just lucky not to be trying to jump off the roof after listening to all this crap. I defy anyone to have to listen to this on a regular basis and not lose at least a little bit of their sanity! I will endeavour to think of something more awesome later on.

Today, I'm so-so. Increasingly nervous, as I mentioned last night, but still determined to not let it get the best of me. I used to think before that I had to act like I was depressed, to justify the condition or something. I realise now that none of that matters. I don't care who does or does not believe that I genuinely have problems with depression or anxiety or whatever, so I don't need to spend the whole day in tears, or try to fit into some notion of what a sufferer is supposed to look or act like. All that matters now is that I try my damnedest to get better.

I think going to sleep is the most difficult part of the day for me. It's always been when things would play on my mind a lot, and when I would employ the daydreaming tactic the most, to try to comfort me and get the things I didn't want to think about out of my head. It's a struggle not to do that. Hence, it took me hours to get to sleep last night, even though I was up late and had been working most of that time. I tried my best to get my mind onto other things though - listing stuff, coming up with ideas to write about, what time I'd get up at in the morning. Anything at all, so long as it wasn't likely to cause me any kind of consternation to stop me sleeping.

I did come up with an idea that I really want to pursue for a writing project, so that's something. I'm finding I'm starting to have more ideas now. Even if they're shit ones, at least there are ideas - there were none before. My mind just felt so blank and vacent. It's nice to feel like I'm getting my imagination (the productive one, not the one where I imagine that everything will be ok without me doing anything to make it so) and my sense of humour back. I feel a bit more like myself again, and even though I've said I'm trying not to make my feelings of self worth the focus of this, I think those feelings are improving. A little bit, anyway, for today. And that's good enough for right now, I guess.

I'm really curious about how this all comes across to other people who suffer from any kind of depression or anxiety issues - especially anyone who's battled through it. I know it's different for everyone, of course, but I'm just kinda curious to know if what I'm describing seems familiar to other people, or if it's all a bunch of shit.

It might also be evident that my nerves are making me post and write a lot. I just keep feeling like I need to *do* something and work isn't quite keeping my attention. However, I have a lot to get done today, so back to the coalface I go....

To do:

I've been talking about all the things that I need to do to change, to make myself the person I want to be, blah blah blah, but it occurs to me that it might be a good idea to actually list them out so that I can better work on them, and make myself a bit more accountable when it comes to the things I want to achieve. Again, probably of absolutely no interest to anyone else - I really am going to try to come up with something non-head related to write about very soon - but this seems to be keeping me together at the minute, so I'm just going to crack on with it.

So. In no particular order, things I need to stop or start doing:

• Write. I need to write more. About everything and anything. This sort of stuff about myself so that I can try to benchmark what I'm doing (I'm in the middle of a management practices course, can you tell?), and since they do tell you to write about what you know. But I want to write about other stuff too, whether it be short stories, random articles, reviews of music, tv, movies - whatever. I just need to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this instance). But I do want to set myself a target of doing the NaNoWriMo thing in November. I want to complete a whole something. Probably not a novel, more likely to be a screenplay or something, but I want to do actually finish something. Doesn't matter if it's crap, just need to finish it. 

• Recruitment stuff. I need to sort out my CV, talk to recruitment agencies and careers guidance people and get a better plan (or even, a plan) for how to get a new job.

• Put my foot down at work. I need to stop giving into everything at work and bending over backwards, doing stupid hours and taking on far too much because I feel it's expected of me or that there's no other option. I have to make it clear that there are limits, and that we have to find another solution. No exception. 

• Re-connect with people. I've drifted away from so many friends over the years. I put it down to them not making the effort to keep in touch with me, and taken it very personally, but I can't know any of that for sure so I really ought to just put it behind me. I don't have to be suddenly best friends with these people, but it would be nice to get in touch again, occasionally talk to and see each other and enjoy each other's company again. I guess under this heading also comes spending more time around my flatmates. I've become so good at avoiding them and keeping a low profile at home that I'm practically a domestic ninja (note to self: write treatment for sitcom called Ninjaz In Da House). All that time spent alone isn't good for me - too much time to day dream and dwell on things. 

• Stop daydreaming. It's sort of an odd thing to say, I suppose, but it's a big problem for me. I spend so much time daydreaming and fantasizing about how I want things to go that I become convinced that that's how they actually will go, making it well nigh impossible to deal with anything that diverges from the fantasy. 

• Treatment. I need to get serious about treatment for this depression/anxiety stuff. I've upped my meds already, so I'll be keeping an eye on that with my doctor, and I've started the Beating the Blues thing. I think I quite like it so far. It's Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which I've never had much luck with before, but I understand more than ever now that I need to have certain things to each day, and to hold myself accountable for doing or not doing them. It's a session every week conducted online, and it gives you weekly projects to complete. I've only done the first session so far, so I'll see how it goes. But I think it could be a good support.

• Lose weight/get healthy. I'm not setting myself specific targets for this just yet. I've basically not been eating much for over a week or so because I'd gotten myself into such a state that I was nauseous and completely devoid of appetite. That is slowly starting to return, but I don't want to just jump back into my bad habits of eating junk all the time, I want to start eating healthily again. But (and apologies for the TMI nature of this, but...) healthy food when you've not been eating can have a bit of a fight with your innards, so I'm trying to do it all gradually. I've lost a little bit of weight thanks to the nausea so I want to make sure I keep that off, and it's been a good motivation for me to avoid junk food and comfort eating. The exercise portion of this will need to wait a little bit till I feel physically a bit stronger and have work a bit more sorted out so I can plan out when I'll do things. 

• Do the things I love again. I used to love music and movies. LOVE. I lived for them, they were the only things that kept me going sometimes, and touched and moved me in ways I can't put words to. But lately, I've just been using them as vague distractions, if even. I've found that I couldn't watch or listen to anything 'serious' (for want of a better word) - anything that encouraged much of an emotional reaction in me. Because I was trying to avoid emotional reactions, I guess. I'm a bit wary still of putting myself through the wringer with anything like that, but I want to get into a place again where I live and breathe this stuff like I used to.

• Stop procrastinating. I realise there's a great irony in me saying this, as I often take to this blog when there's something else I want to not do or distract myself from, but I need to just get off my arse and do things when they need doing. It's the only way to build momentum and thus energy. I've had huge problems with it lately, but I think I'm making some tiny inroads with it. 

• Finish and pass my course. I had, of course, wanted to pass my course with a distinction (I'm  a perfectionist, which I will write about at some point in the future), and did well on the first couple of assignments, but since everything sort of fell apart a bit after that I'm just going for a pass now. I was pretty close to throwing in the towel with the whole thing recently, so I just want to get it over and done with, pass it and put it on my CV. Thankfully I've less than a month to go with it, so hopefully I can cross that one off the list soon!

And so, back to work for me. 

Thoughts of a rainy afternoon

Rather predictably, things are getting a tad harder each day. Energy and motivation are drifting off a little bit (though the tiredness may be partly down to the increase in meds, I can't tell for sure), but I guess that's to be expected. I'm very much aware that it's getting closer to the discussion I'm supposed to be having with my boyfriend (if I can even call him that anymore, I'm honestly not sure) about everything, and I'm getting nervous. Which is, in turn, making me retreat into daydreaming that things will work out.

But, the point is, I'm still trying. I'm trying not to do that, I'm trying to get my work done, I'm trying not to think about my self worth. I think that's sort of the key to this whole thing - not to sweep my low self-esteem under the carpet by any means, but to stop dwelling on it so much. I will never feel better about myself if I continually think about nothing but how bad I feel about myself. I have to focus on doing, rather than thinking - making the changes I need to make to be the person I want to be, so that I don't have these feelings of low/non-existent self worth. That probably sounds both incredibly corny and really, really obvious.

This is all really obvious though, that's the thing. All of this is stuff I've heard over and over again in counselling over the years. I've nodded my head and said yes, I understand. And I thought I did, but it never really hit home till this past week. I'm trying as hard as I can not to let go of that realization. I really do feel differently about it all now. As I mentioned previously, I used to use this depression stuff as some sort of badge or label to make excuses for myself, and to try to garner sympathy and attention. Maybe I thought people couldn't care about me as I was, they'd only care if I made them feel sorry for me? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm done with that. I don't want to be the victim or the martyr anymore. I want to kick this thing's ass. If anyone thinks of me as special, I want it to be because I've fought this and managed to be a decent person through it (well, from now on - whether or not I've been a decent person in the past needs to be irrelevant to me now, it's past and gone). And I want to be proud of myself for doing that.

Anyway, that's just some of today's thoughts. As much as this is probably rather self-indulgent, I'm trying to make it a productive and positive thing, even if it doesn't read that way! I do definitely want to start writing about things other than myself and what goes on in my head, though. But I've spent a lot of time up in there over the years, so it's kinda hard to figure out what I want to write about, or even how. I've never done so well with writing without any kind of structure - I like to be given deadlines and tasks. I seem to need some sort of constraints to keep me focused when I'm writing. So I guess I just need a lot more practice at writing to be more disciplined with it. We'll see what happens with that, I guess. (And yes, I'm aware that this waffling does not bode well for that....)

Daydreaming my life away...

I realise this is basically becoming an online diary, which is probably not the most interesting thing to blog about, but meh whatever. I'm hoping that somewhere along the way of my meandering waffling I occasionally stumble across something vaguely interesting or useful or insightful, so I'll keep going. I think it's doing me good, anyway. I'm trying not to be quite so introspective and all "me, me, me" about this, but sort of measuring how I'm doing. I feel like it's keeping me a bit accountable to the things that I want to do and the changes I need to make.

So, anyway. A couple of things I've noticed over the last 24 hours or so. My energy is waning a little bit (though I'm still experiencing some nausea and my appetite isn't really back so I guess that isn't helping), and I'm finding it a bit more difficult not to let my mind wander. I have this habit that I've had almost as long as I can remember of fantasizing tiny little things. I don't know if this is common in people who suffer from depression, or in anyone, because for me at least, it's the sort of thing I feel a tad embarrassed about admitting to. But I tend to have sort of daydreaming conversations in my head anytime I'm alone with people. I'm finding it tough to not do that at the minute. It's almost an automatic thing, and I do it especially to comfort myself. But I know that it's not going to do me any good, really. It's wishful thinking, to a certain extent, and lulling myself into a false sense of security that everything will be ok.

I'm trying not to be down on myself about it though. Just to try to stop when I catch myself doing it. I'm trying to distract myself as much as possible, with work and an incredibly patient and understanding friend who's been keeping me sane the last few days.

So, I guess I need to add sitting around daydreaming to my list of things that need to change! Less daydreaming and more doing, I suppose.

Just a few quick thoughts from today while I wait till it's time for my bus.

Today is a bit harder. I'm unbelievably tired, despite sleeping for quite a while (though I had some strange dreams - at least one of which involved a lot of cats) and don't feel quite as fired up to implement all these changes that I was rabbiting on about yesterday. But I will persevere. That's kind of the point of this whole thing. I cannot let it beat me, I just can't. That is not an option for me anymore. Maybe I just need a montage of shadow boxing whilst Eye of the Tiger plays in the background. Now, where'd I put that headband.....

I did go to the doctor this morning, and we agreed to up my medication (which I think has been a long time coming, really). I felt like she wasn't really 'getting' it entirely, but that might have just been her manner. She's one of those people who goes 'yeah, yeah, yeah' the whole way through what you're trying to say and I found that a little off putting so I didn't perhaps express myself quite as clearly as I would've liked.  I know it'll be a few weeks before I start to feel the effects of the medication increase but at least I feel like I'm doing something. Hopefully that will be some sort of help.

Also, the doctor mentioned this website, which I've never heard of before (odd, given how long I've been going to the doctors about these problems, or maybe it's just quite new) - http://www.beatingtheblues.co.uk/ It's a CBT-based thing, you have sessions online whenever suits you, and it's free through the NHS, you just have to talk to your doctor and get them to give you an activation code. I haven't tried it out just yet, but it seems interesting. I've tried CBT before and felt like I wasn't really in the right place for it, but I think I might be now - I feel much more like I need to be 'doing' things, if that makes any sense.

It's funny. This last week or so has been the worst my depression and anxiety have been in years. Possibly, ever. But somehow I feel like I've made the biggest leap I've ever made at the same time. That doesn't mean I feel brilliant and full of the joys of spring and like I'm turning a corner or anything. I still feel like crap, to be honest. And I'm completely petrified about the future and in particular what is going to happen with my relationship, but I really feel like I've made a connection or something in my head that wasn't fully there before. Like something has changed in me and I've realised just what is at stake here. Or something like that anyway.

And something else while it occurs to me...

Something else that I left out of that previous post, or that I didn't fully formulate in my head or something - can anyone tell me why it is that we whine so much to other people when we're depressed? Whether it's people who know about the depression, or just general complaints about life to other people, I don't think I'm the only depression sufferer who does this.

I just complain all the bloody time. It's like a compulsion. What is that? A cry for help and/or attention? Some sort of need to wave my arms about and say "someone look at me, I'm special, I'm different, I have all these problems"? I mean, it's just weird to me, and I'm the one doing it. It's weird that I am so protective and secretive about this on the one hand, yet don't bloody shut up about it (implicitly or explicitly) on the other.

I'm trying to figure out why it is that I have felt the need to bombard people with my misery. Because it's more than just a mere statement of how I'm feeling. There's some fucked up part of me that almost *likes* doing this, that wants to keep complaining to other people. I suppose it's for the attention, it's to have people feel sorry for me and be nice to me. And then I think it just takes on a life of its own. I was talking to my friend last night - an incredibly patient and wonderful person, who has had a lot to deal with from me lately! - and I said that my head feels like a separate entity sometimes, an independent being with an agenda of its own. Mainly, to fuck me over.

I feel now like it's almost as if I have some sort of symbiotic parasite (is that the one where you feed off each other? I can't remember and can't be arsed wikipedia-ing it). Or is there a parasite where you feed off each other but it eventually kills you? That's what I feel like. I keep giving into this familiar and almost compulsive behaviour, because I have some sort of bizarre need to do this, yet it is cumulatively (is that even a word? Clearly I'd be shit at Countdown) damaging me. But I can't cut it out, it doesn't work like that. I need to train it to leave or something. I'm not sure, my analogy has now completely fallen down.

But I really have to pay more attention to that. I know I can't bottle everything up, but I just perpetuate the cycle if I'm constantly complaining and dwelling on the negatives. But there's just something in me that feels like that's something that I need to do sometimes. This has all made me realise that I can't be like that anymore. I need to be "special" or whatever by kicking this thing's ass, not by letting it kick mine.

Depression - the ultimate third wheel.

Well. I haven't been here in quite some time.

There are a lot of reasons for that. I've been stupidly busy, and just allowed myself to get distracted from writing. And from a lot of other things that I used to be a lot more passionate about. I've had a bit of a wake up call lately, and I realise that I can't keep coasting by, complaining about how shitty my life is, and the reasons why I can't do anything about it. I have to try to change things, even if it kills me.

So here's a thing. Relationships are hard, eh? Especially when you have depression. I think they might be even harder for the other person. It's hard enough if you have a committed, established relationship and one person develops depression, but what do you do when you get into a relationship with someone with depression? Given that I'm the depressed one, I'm only going off of my own ideas of what might be going on for the other person, so this is likely all a piece of shit, but sure what's new.

But what do you do when you think you know someone reasonably well, you have feelings for them, you enter into a relationship (being aware of the fact that she has depression, but awareness is a huge way away from experiencing her going through it), and her depression gets worse? What do you do when this person who you (hopefully) thought was fun and funny and interesting and smart and cool is just constantly complaining all the time, has nothing else to say for herself? When she doesn't even really know that she's been doing it? When you maybe haven't had the time yet to completely fall in love with each other and get to that point where you're in it for the good and the bad?

I'm writing this for a couple of reasons - to try to work some stuff out myself about the situation I've found myself in (I say "found", but it's entirely of my own creation, consciously or not), and to try to write something. Anything. Because that's been a huge part of the problem for me (the depressed, whiny, complainy pain in the ass in this relationship). I've gotten so caught up with various stresses, and liked the idea of having a person in my life that I could rely on, that I've nearly bent him in two using him as a crutch. And I've forgotten about everything that I used to care about. Even just the things that used to make me smile and laugh. I thought that as long as I had him, everything was fine, but I wasn't paying any attention to whether or not I was still the same person he fell for in the first place.

I don't know if I can convince him that this is a phase, and that I've had the biggest wake up call in my life, but I really feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads here. I need to change things, or this really is going to be the story of my life, over and over again. I don't know if it's too late for us, and frankly I don't want to think about that. He's my best friend and I can't bear the thought of losing him.

Right now I feel like I just need to figure out how to change things. I need to take certain actions with my doctor, which I'll be discussing with her shortly. I need to make more effort to find a new job, as that has been an elephantine source of stress and anxiety for me, which just exacerbates every negative thought I've ever had about myself. I need to make a lot more effort to be stricter in work about not bending over backwards for them for no thanks or appreciation. I've been doing it for far, far too long, and it's clearly been taking too much of a toll on my health and well being, I need to put my foot down and stop it. I need to speak to careers advisors and recruitment agencies about what options I have, and how to improve my chances of getting another position. I need to get through the last of the course I'm taking, even if I only scrape a pass, it's better than nothing. I need to make more effort to write - to write anything at all - to try to find myself again, find the things I care about, the person I used to be. I need to reconnect with friends that I've lost or drifted away from over the years, to stop being so reliant on any one person and to just fill my life with things and people again. I need to learn to live again, corny and Dr Phil-like as that sounds.

I think I used to be awesome, once. I'd like that back.