X Factor 2012 Live Shows: Live Blog 1

Ok folks, it's that time of year again, are we ready? Are we ready to laugh our asses off, gasp in shock and pinch ourselves to check we're still awake and that this crap that passes for one of the most successful shows in tv history is actually on the telly and not just a twisted figment of our imaginations?

I've got my diet coke and junk food stash stocked to the max, I've got tabs open and ready for lolcat image searches, and I've wearing slipper socks.

To quote Malcolm Tucker, it's on. It's on like fat Pat's thong.

Indeed.

Damnit, shoulda gone to the bathroom first. I apologise in advance for being distracted due to an overwhelming need to peed.

Oh and of course they have Dermot coming on to Gangnam Style. AMAZING. Although he coulda made a bit more effort with the dance - I mean if the Ninja Turtles can do it, so you can you Dermy.

And here come the judges. Meh. Nicole's dress is a bit daft and mental with meshy bits and leather bits and Tulisa's is nice enough, but nothing very comment worthy. However Gary is officially sitting in between Tulisa and Nicole (who is wrangling with her dress to make sure it covers her boobs) - say it together, everyone - CATFIGHT!!!

And with that, they bring on the wild cards to reveal who got voted into the live shows. I could sincerely not give a shit about this. They're all a bit rubbish and dull. And surprisingly it's Chris Maloney who gets through - the one who looks like a squaddie/street cleaner but has a seriously huge voice, but not one that will sell pop records. Like, at all. He falls to the ground and starts shaking and crying immediately. He's gonna do my head in, I can tell now.

All the finalists come out now, too many to get a decent look at anyone but none of them look like they're wearing anything mental. Well, what's the point of that, then?!!

They're doing the numbers and stuff now, so it's more boring stuff. James Arthur gets a big cheer so far, which I don't like. He's gonna be a hate to hate one for me, I think. I was sort of on the fence about him (he very, very vaguely reminds me of my ex in one of those can't put my finger on it cos he doesn't really look like him at all, but there's still something there) but since he's been in the papers and what not this week, I've decided I really dislike him. He just seems like a massive twat to me.

Anyway, apparently they're singing songs tonight inspired by the Olympics and Paralympics athletes. Um, what now? Can you say jumping on the bandwagon, anyone?

We start with Louis's boyband who have changed their name from something that 'sounds like a virus' according to Sharon Osborne (lol) to District 3, which was chosen by the public exactly. Fucks sake. They spend like a minute and a half (their whole VT) talking about it, so clearly they're a band of substance.

They're standing on a platform singing something I can't place at first. Or at second. Seriously, what is this? I'm bored now. Something about a world of trees? They're trying to be all soulful and Mariah-ish with the vocals and it's utterly, utterly bland. Oh, right, it's Simply The Best, but not a version you would possibly recognise in a million years. Cos it's well shit. But they could probably take an actual shit on the stage and the teeny bopper girls would lap it up (euw, gross, I didn't mean literally) cos they're cutesy little teenages with boyband looks written all over them and very little else to show for it. And that's a format that's going pretty well for One Direction so far, so what do I know?

Tulisa says it's RnB vocals (I think cos it had harmonies? Wha?) and says they made it their own, etc etc, but told them to lose the boyband faces. How, with plastic surgery?

Gary says they were alright, they'll probably sit in the middle of the show tonight talent-wise. Hmph.

Nicole says they have a 'special place in her heart', blah blah, whatever. She says it might not have been the best song choice, and according to Louis it was their arrangement. That explains it. He says they're like a young Boyz II Men so mark 'Louis compares someone to a young <black artist>' off on your X Factor bingo cards.

And it's the first pee break of the night. BRB.

Are those yoghurt people doing another ad this year? If they have, I've missed it. Damn, that was genuinely the highlight of X Factor for me, aside from Jedward of course, who are one of the highlights of life. Instead there's adverts for corn and paint. Wooo, party on dudes! Oh no wait, the advert for paint is actually an advert for McDonalds (it's the one with the three painters with 3 is the Magic Number on it) - I genuinely forget that every single time I see it. Get new ad people, Mickey Ds.

Ugh, and now we've a thing about One Direction and now they're coming out. Boke. I'm so sick of those wee bastards. Apparently they love James Arthur. Well, that bodes well for him. Thank fuck, they were just there for a wee chat so I don't have to sit through their singing. Anyway, Nicole introduces The Arthur next.

Despite the fact that I have issues with him, he does have a decent enough voice. He's doing What Doesn't Kill You or whatever it's called by Kelly Clarkson, but it doesn't sound perhaps as daft as that might sound. However I feel like he's a bit lost on stage without his guitar. And holy lord he's trying to be Professor Green with a rap bit? Somewhat sick of people suddenly going rap in the middle of stuff on X Factor. It's getting a bit old now. Louis is talking about him being different and original but for me, the rap thing was neither. Louis also congratulating Middlesborough. Huh?

Gary says that he needs to keep his integrity, not let the edges get rounded off which I completely agree with. Nicole is argue-singing 'forget the traaaack, honey, you're better than the traaaaack'. That's...weird.

It's Gary and the overs next, with Melanie. I have to say, I effing love her voice. And her hair. And her personality. She's just so nice and lovely and then has this mentally 70s folk/rock star voice. As was brought up at judges houses though, her being apart from her kids is obviously gonna be a problem for her. Her little kid with the red hair is so adorable I almost think she's a child actor or something.

Anyway, Melanie is decked out like said 70s folk/rock star, complete with flares and scarves all over her mic stand, and she's doing With A Little Help From My Friends. I'm not sure that I am all that fond of this particular arrangement cos the Joe Cocker one will always be the ultimate for me, but she is killing it, it must be said. For such a quiet, gentle person she is full of confidence and has possibly the best voice there's ever been on this show. It's literally like being transported back to the late 60s/early 70s, she's completely authentic. Her real test will be when she has to do something more contemporary, but it's natural that Gary would give her something in her comfort zone for the opening week.

Nicole calls her a 'righteous babe' but says the song choice was a bit predictable. Louis rambles about Woodstock and hippies, Tulisa goes on about her confidence and vocals, and Gary thanks her for giving the overs category back its dignity. When Dermot questions Louis about Woodstock, Louis is all 'yeah! I saw the movie!'. Aww, bless, Louis.

Bless, he's just such an awful eejit. It's almost like they let a real-life Fr Dougal on the telly.

Second ad break gone, and I've only half a bottle of diet coke left. Shit's getting real, people.

Tulisa next (who, by the way, looks uncomfortably squeezed into her dress with super cheap looking costume jewellery) and Lucy Spraggan. She's the one who does her own stuff, and she will be singing her own song tonight. I'm not really sure how that will work - it might be a bit comparing apples and oranges between her and the other acts. But then again, her talent is more the songwriting than her voice, so it makes sense but on the other hand, this is not a songwriting competition. And on the imaginary third hand, I'm thinking far too hard about the X Factor.

So, she's doing her song which I think they said was called Mountains. They've got a string-y backing track over it which I think makes it a bit blander than is necessary, but I guess they're trying to make her sound more accessible to the usual X Factor audience.

It's a decent wee song - I really hope this girl does get a record deal out of this one way or another, she's a damn sight more talented than the other fluff that's been on here over the years. It's witty but a sincere and honest and touching song about struggling for your dreams and what not - she's obviously not just a one trick pony with comedy songs.

The one thing that confuses her about me is the accent she sings with - it bears little resemblance to the one she speaks with. But then given that everytime I sing, I pretty much do an impression of the person singing, I'm hardly one to talk.

Gary tells her not to leave any of her talents in the dressing room, Nicole loves her storytelling, Louis says she's a bit like Victoria Wood and Kate Nash. Megalulz. Tulisa harps on about how she wrote the song herself and how it stood up with all the other covers etc etc. I would worry that she's not as overly shiny and spectacular as some of the others - which I think is actually a good thing, but I don't know if that means she'll be hanging around long enough on the show. Which is why I hope someone snaps her up so she can have a proper career.

Another flipping break? Jesus wept, ITV're getting their ad money for the year in tonight alright.

Right, we're back and it's Louis's category and MK1. I feel like I've only seen snippets of these 'uns so far, but I seem to recall thinking they were alright. Whether they have more substance remains to be seen, but they seem like they're a bit of craic anyway. And it's driving me nuts trying to figure out who the girl (Charlie, I think?) reminds me of. I feel like she's the imagine of someone but I dunno who - answers on a postcard, plz.

They're doing Something I Think I'm Too Old To Know. She's doing the singing (not terribly well, truth be told), and then they both rap. I'm on the fence, her vocals just aren't strong enough for this, she's getting out of breath with the dancing and getting lost underneath the backing track. She's also wearing Caterpillar boots. Wat.

Tulisa says the vocals weren't quite strong enough, but their energy was great, good to see someone urban, etc etc. Gary wants to know what Louis chose about what went on on stage, and basically tries not to laugh in his face. Hee. Nicole says they're one of the most relevant artists in the competition - 'relevant' must be on the bingo card, right? Louis then says they could be the new N-Dubz - LOLOLOLOLOLOL - and Tulisa says hells no cos N-Dubz are coming back. You heard it here first folks, the Armageddon is upon us.

Bloke MK1 (soz, never got his name) says that the performance was totally 50-50 between then and Louis. Srsly guys, my sides hurt from the laughing here. Louis Walsh as an urban guru. Who's his influences, Mr T?

We've got wild card Christopher Maloney next and the VT is full of the stuff about his nerves. Cos there doesn't seem to be anything else to say about him. He's singing Hero and it's snoozeworthy. I mean, yeah, of course he can sing, but it's so dated to me. Also, whatever sort of jacket they've got him in looks like a bomber jacket from the 90s but dressier, so it's basically like they invented a Scouse tuxedo.

To be fair, his nerves don't seem to be bothering him too much. He's not doing a wile lot of moving around, but then there's not much you can do to that song.

Nicole says she doesn't recognise him without the nerves, but that sometimes you need some burger with that cheese. Making a mental note of that one - cheers, Nic. Louis then accuses him of 'getting a new colour - were you on a cruise ship lately?' Fuckin hell, Louis - you're one to talk. Tulisa says he needs to switch it up - 'if he's here next week'. She's clearly not expecting him to be. Gary tells him to lay off the sun beds. Maybe it looks different on telly than in the studio, but I think he doesn't look as orange as he did in the auditions, but whatevs. At least Dermy had a go at Louis for it. God love wee Dermot.

Right, is it my imagination or have there been like eleventy billion adverts for dancing video games on lately? I feel exhausted just from watching all the ads, nevermind playing the bloody games. Not that I'd play any dancing games, of course My awesome moves must be allowed to roam free, much like a jackal in the wild. And by strange coincidence, my dancing often looks like I ought to be an animal on four legs rather than two, with no sense of musical rhythm or timing.

...not unlike this...

And we're back after the break and it's Louis's last group of the night, Union J. They're clearly dying to be the next One Direction. They used to be a threesome but they added George and now they're 'really special'. But the way Louis says that makes it sound a bit more like special needs. Which says more about Louis being a bit off his rocker than them, tbf.

So they're doing Queen. Oh fuckin hell, is nothing sacred?! They're doing Don't Stop Me and it gets all dancy and they're wobbling all over the notes to sound all 'ooh, look at me, I can sing!' when it actually just sounds like 'ooh, look at me, I'm trying to sing like a woman instead of belting the fuck out of this rock classic like it bloody well deserves'. Fucking children. It's just well weird, this. Not liking it at all and I'm usually jumping around with a hairbrush at the merest hint of this song.

Tulisa says she wasn't feeling it and it was dated - Louis insists it was fun and like 'something out of Glee'. Gary agrees, says it wasn't right and blames Louis, who then says the song was too big for them but he didn't want to play it safe. Yeah, Louis, the edgy funk-meister. Nicole tries to comfort the boys by congratulating them for performing as four piece for the first time, but basically they all agree that Louis is a twat.

Jade Ellis is next singing Enrique Igelsias apparently? Yikes. We have another VT of a mother crying over missing her kid. I don't doubt at all that Jade and Melanie are sincere in missing their kids when they're away from them, but ffs, can the producers not find something else to talk about? Are we really so thick and shallow that we need the sob stories wheeled out like this? Yeah, ok, look what I'm talking about. Off my high horse.

Anyway, she's doing Hero and it's actually really kind of ok/good. The instrumentation and arrangement on it, as well as her kind of edgy-ish voice makes it a lot less cheesy than you might expect it to be. It's all getting a bit urban, and it's a bit different. Well, for X Factor, like.

Gary says she's been hiding away till now but to keep doing what she's doing. Nicole calls her hot, but says it was in the wrong key for her to showcase her range (which I agree with - while she was good, it didn't show off her voice as much as it could have done). Louis utters the magic word - likeability - and says she looks like an international pop star. Tulisa, her mentor, says she's brill and other positive stuff (sorry, sorta drifted off there). I'd be very surprised if she's not here next week, she definitely should be.

Kye (who I kep forgetting exists) and Rylan are up after the break and THANK THE BABY JEEBUS Rylan looks pure mental - face full of slap and some sort of top/dress made out of gold chains I think? on him. Not quite Johnny's tin foil suit from last year, but damn close.

Let's all take a moment to remember what Louis did to this poor man.

Another interminable ad break, that includes one for DIY shop (which I'm only aware of cos of adverts) Wickes. It's the sort of ad that's aimed more at men who take their DIY seriously - what sort of crossover do they think there is with the X Factor audience here?

We've also got that John Lewis ad with Paloma Faith's version of Never Tear Us Apart on it. I can't make up my mind how I feel about her version. So far I think I don't like it, but I haven't actually heard it in its entirety yet. I predict her to pop up on X Factor whoring it around at some point within the next few weeks.

Rylan is up next. Brace yourselves, darlings. In the VT, he's having a ball with the photoshoots and picking fashion and stuff - I get that he's super camp, but he needs to tone it down a bit. And apparently he's getting a lot of shit on the internet about being picked, including death threats. Which is going a tad far, like. I mean, especially when Louis is on the show, y'know? (disclaimer: I'M KIDDING, I'M NOT MAKING OR ENDORSING DEATH THREATS AGAINST ANYONE PLZ DON'T ARREST ME KTHXBY).

So, Rylan is doing Gold by Spandau Ballet. Perfect choice - super cheesy, a super dancy version of it too, but it still has proper singing in it. However. His vocals are not living up to it. Whether it's nerves, or too much going on on the stage or what, I don't know, but he's just not strong enough in the places where you have to really sell it. Nicole is on her feet, fist punching the air as is her want, and Rylan is giving it his best bitch face.

Louis says he thought he's seen everything on the X Factor until this (again, I refer you to the photo above). His vocals aren't strong enough and he won't please everyone but he likes it. Tulisa says his vocals were on point (what the hell was she listening to) and he was fun.

Then comes Gary. He basically tears Rylan a new one, tells all the other judges to be ashamed of themselves for letting him get through. Nicole tells him to stop being a boring old fart, and tries to embarrass him by bringing up the video for Do What You Like which does make him blush slightly. She tells Rylan he was fierce, he brought it and every other cliche in the book and says his vocals were fine. NO THEY WERE NOT.

Dermot replays Rylan's reaction to getting through at judges houses (which was super funny as he looks like he's having a seriously constipated shit, basically) and Rylan says that's how he reacts to everything - 'birthdays, bar mitzvahs, you name it'. Lulz. He might need to work on his vocals a bit, but he is a bit of a laugh at least. And god knows, we need the ridiculous on this show.

Kye is next and his VT is full of something or other, I dunno, I'm bored now. I wanna jump around on my bed singing Gold (and singing it better than Rylan - boo yah), but anyway - Kye's singing....something? Whatever it is, he sounds every so slightly out of tune in one or two places so far. Also sounds like he can't sing so well when he's walking, as he goes a bit wobbly walking from behind the judges to the stage. He's doing Man in the Mirror, which I always take a while to recognise so that's not his fault.

However. It's just not working for me. He's singing his heart out and he's got plenty of energy and everything, but I think it's the staging that's leaving me a bit cold. He's got a gospel choir in the background somewhere, but the stage is mostly dark and it sort of sucks the energy out of the room a little bit for me.

Nicole starts out with the comments, tells him to take the moment that he's worked so hard for in. She doesn't actually say if she liked him though. Louis says he's paid his dues, he's got the talent, he's gonna get a record deal. Tulisa also goes on about how he's waited for this his whole life - seriously, do they think he's about 70 or something?! Gary complains that the production budget was spent on Rylan's performance, which I think bears my point above out. Anyway, they all seem to think he's amazing.

My thoughts exactly, cat. My thoughts exactly.

The youngest contestant is up next, Ella, and I still cannot believe that girl is 16. At my grand old age, I feel incredibly smug when I see youngsters who look way older than their age, and think of how pissed they will be when they're my age and they look about 40, and yet I still get mistaken for a 22 year old. Yes, I know that is incredibly up myself but it's literally the only thing I have going for me in life DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.

Ahem.

Anyway - Ella. She's singing Rule The World apparently. Oh joy.

This girl has a tremendous voice, and you would never believe she's 16 from the power and confidence of her, but what a bleh song choice. Of course, the judges aren't going to have that opinion, but that's just me. And the audience are clapping along. Ugh, they should be electronically zapped immediately when they start doing that inappropriately.

Ella is dressed almost like some sort of 50s Alice in Wonderland, which I am digging. I love a prom dress and tights.

And I have to say - she's really killing it. This is miles better than the Take That version, she has so much more passion and emotion in her voice than that lot of wet lettuces (soz Gaz). She's in complete control of the song and my only teensy weensy little niggle is that she slightly loses control of her vibrato in the final soaring note, but that is a nit pick.

Gary is pure sickened that she sang it ten times better than him, and congratulates her. Nicole gives her a standing ovation, says she's from another planet and sounds like she's gonna cry. Bloody yanks. Louis says it was definitely better than the original and says she's the best female singer on the show since Leona Lewis. Tulisa says she's untouchable and showed everyone else how it's done. Only problem with her is that she's possibly started too high - it will be hard for her to keep this sort of standard up the whole way through.

Carolynne next and I'm a bit predisposed to not liking her cos she's a little bit country and I'm a whole lot not. Well, in fairness, I like a lot of artists that could vaguely fit into the country genre, but they're the more alternative ones not the cheesy ones, which is more her. Anyway.

She's doing Starships by Nicki Minaj.

Yes, you read that right. Nicki Minaj. It's not working at all for me. She's giving her all that with the 'tude and everything, and I get the point of taking a song you wouldn't expect from her, but that doesn't mean she can actually do it. It sounds dated and boring and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nicole says that she did her thing on it despite it being a bold choice but she needs to loosen up. Louis says she could be the UK version of Shania Twain. Who saw that one coming? Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Tulisa nitpicks the song choice saying that it doesn't fit with the theme of heroes and inspiration and shit, which is just stupid. Can't remember what Gary said cos I'm TOO BORED TO STAY AWAKE AT THIS POINT and more concerned about the shooting pains in my left shoulder. That's never a sympton of anything serious, right?

Btw, I am wearing reindeer jammie bottoms. Just thought you all should know that.

Jahmene is next and of course it's all about his nerves. In his case, it really is more than just nerves and it's clear that it won't be that easy for him to overcome them. He's doing Imagine, and he's sat on a stool surrounded by candles. Louis must be creaming himself right now.

Ooh, he got off his stool - Louis might explode. Good job Jahmene is a solo artist and not in a group. Now that he's on his feet, a gospel choir appears from nowhere and he starts doing the vocal acrobatics all over the show. He isn't exactly moving much, and I think it would be better if the choir fucked off somewhere to allow the focus to remain solely on him.

He has an exceptional voice, that's fairly undisputed, but the song choice was a bit meh for me. He did really well with it, but it's just impossible to do anything with that song in my mind. Louis loses his shit over him, Tulisa says he's the best male vocal they've ever had, Gary tells him not to oversing, and Nicole tells him he found his balls.

He's doing his nervous laughter thing when Dermot talks to him, which is definitely going to get on my nerves after a while, but he doesn't look like he's going to vomit so that's progress.

And that is that. First live show over. All in all, fairly uneventful - there are too many genuinely talented people in it this year, the cheese factor is relatively low which does not look good for me. What am I meant to do if there's very little to take the piss out of?! WON'T THEY THINK OF THE BLOGGERS?!!!

As they do the recap, I realise that I still don't know what the hell the song was that MK1 did. Apparently it was Champion by Chipmunk feat. Chris Brown. Yeah, me neither.

Apparently Leona Lewis is on tomorrow night. God she's dull. Gary, Dermot and Nicole are on Jonathan Ross right after this but I honestly don't know if I can shit through more of this shit, especially given that Taylor Swift is also on and I've decided recently that I can't stand her.

I think a palate cleanser of The Thick Of It is required.

Laters, dudes. 

But apparently The Thick Of It isn't on this week. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK?!! Well fine then. I'll just watch Malcolm Tucker describe Star Wars on repeat on You Tube. Fucks sake.