Also, in a complete lack of forethought or planning, I haven't eaten dinner yet, and have no junk food in. This could get messy, folks. I wonder if I could get Dominos to sponsor my posts? They'd just have to give me free food once a week....
Here we go folks, it's 'why don't I have anything better to do on a Saturday night time?!'
Recap of last week's performances, and it's people singing noises rather than words. Except for Rylan, strangely enough. Mostly cos he can't sing anything at all.
The dancing girls are back for Dermot this week, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. All he's doing is loads of twirls and some jumping around and backflips - yeah, cos that was definitely him and not a stunt double cos it's not like we just saw him run off stage at the start or anything....
It's Club Night tonight, so this is going to be...interesting.
Dermot starts out by asking Gary WTF is going on when he's lost two acts, and again, Gary has another go at the 'judges' *coughLouiscough* for not making the right decisions.
Louis is in a polo neck jumper tonight, which can only mean he's up to no good. That cheeky monkey.
Dermot is doing the phone numbers and everything and OH MY GOD GET ON WITH IT I COULD BE USING THIS TIME TO EAT DON'T WASTE MY TIME LIKE THIS.
Overs are up first, so it's Christopher Maloney first. Club Classics is a real natural for him, like.... Although given all the stuff in the papers maybe he just needs to capture his inner diva. Now we have Gary trying to say that Usain Bolt stole his bolt pose thing. Yeah, cos you're the sort of dancer people crib moves from, Gary. Totes.
I spent so long looking for that pic that I've basically ignored all of Christopher's performance of Waiting For A Star To Fall only to see him end a cheesy piece of shit with a cheesy punch to the air.
Nicole says it's hard to criticise his performance but a) I hasten to disagree and b) I think she's doing a pretty good job. Louis says he remembers buying that song before Tulisa was even born and goes into some odd reminiscence of the 80s, but says he likes it. Tulisa keeps it real by saying that she officially doesn't get it, it's too cheesy and not modern, etc etc. She has a go at Gary for having a go at Rylan for being cheesy but says Rylan is 'BabyBel, you're churning your own stilton here'. LOLZ Tulisa, lolz.
Christopher doesn't think it's cheesy but takes everything on board. How about taking it overboard and pissing off, mate, you're annoying and dull.
Hmm, apparently I'm more cranky than normal without my dinner in me. Wonder if I keep talking about the deliciousness of Dominos pizza will they bring me one? #blatantplug Soz folks!
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| Lulz, I'm not really sorry. |
MK1 next and they defend their performance last week - they love the song but they aren't a pop act. They're proper realz, yo. It shows them watching the results show behind the scenes and looking like they might be peeing their pants. They're concerned about choosing between overground/underground, but apparently they don't realise that the Oyster card works on both, and that they can womble free on both.
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| Oooh, Gary, even the Wombles are nicking your moves!! Sue 'em!! |
So they're doing Crystal Waters' Gypsy Woman mashed with Pass Out. Um ok. They aren't bad exactly, but it's not a genius mash up or anything. I think 2 Many DJs are safe. Charlie's (look at that, I learned her name) vocals are a bit better than they have been in the past, but she's still just ok. I don't know what to think of these 'uns. I don't mind them at all, and don't mind their sort of music, but they aren't amazing. But then they're on the X Factor so they aren't gonna be.
Tulisa criticises them for doing Tinie, the first half with Gypsy Woman was better, and Gary agrees, says they need to be confident with their song choice blah blah blah. Nicole is all 'that was freaking shamaaaazing' and she wanted to bust moves to it, they brought the energy and fun, etc etc.
Jahmene is next and his VT is all emotional and about the stuff that's been in the papers about his family and the terrible things he's had to endure. I understand that it would be difficult to deal with that, but it's Club Classics week, liven up ffs. Also I might want the skirt Nicole is wearing in the VT.
And Jahmene is doing Say A Little Prayer. Um, not exactly what I'd call a club classic, but ok then. I think he's wearing one of the costumes that Marcus Collins left behind from last year, with his matching teal trousers and bow tie. His vocal performance is excellent, as usual, and the judges all fawn over him, also as usual. Louis tells him he's a little Ray Charles, Tulisa makes him cry by saying his whole life has led to this moment, Gary tells him not to move around the stage (lol) but he's great, and Nicole tells him he has bigger balls than anybody she knows. She's obsessed, that one.
James seems to have his guitar this week, which will no doubt make everyone lose their shit. You know what I wanna see him do, though? Wear those Deirdre Barlow glasses on stage. WHITHER THE DEIRDRE GLASSES, JAMES????
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| See, she misses them too. You're making her sad, James. I hope you can live with yourself. |
Oooh, apparently this week in the Sun's Sunday magazine, Kelly Osborne talks weight loss secrets. I'm sure the secret doesn't involve being rich enough to afford a personal trainer, fancy gyms, training several times a week and expensive healthy food? Ok, I might be a bit bitter against all rich and thin people, but still. THERE IS NO FLIPPING SECRET TO LOSING WEIGHT, WE JUST NEED TO PUT DOWN THE FLIPPING CAKE.
Ok, back to the show - Jade is having problems with her vocal cords and she's not allowed to talk or sing all week, which she's obviously freaked out about. So Brian Friedman (dressed like a vampire tonight) helpfully freaks her out more. Twat. She's got purple/grey hair now (much like Kelly Osborn, funny enough) and she's singing You're Free in what I can only describe as a neon pink Hammer pants jumpsuit. That's committing to the theme, I guess. Her voice sounds ok, but a bit like she's trying to save it which is understandable. Also the arrangement of the song is a bit too repetitive for my liking. I think they tried too hard to modern it up with the production, it didn't get lively enough for my liking.
Gary says she did very well considering, Nicole goes on about her having to work it and lifting her voice up more (uh, did she not just hear that the girl is about to break her throat?). The way Nicole has a tendency to sing-talk things makes me think that Cheryl Cole might be right about her being a bit mental. Louis goes on about her having to have more energy and she didn't perform well enough this week and everything, and everyone has a go at him for not understanding that she was under doctors orders to rest, including Dermot. Heh, I love it when they gang up on Louis, the big eejit.
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| They ought to stick one of these on the front of the judges' desk. |
And the Mail on Sunday has Pippa Middleton's personal tips for entertaining. Interesting. Perhaps an attempt to repair her image after the eejit with the gun in Paris? Cos pictures of you walking around smiling with a plate of nibbles will totally make people forget about firearms-related misdemeanors.
James is up next, and there's a terribly dramatic VT about his panic attack after the performance last week. Nicole, during his rehearsal is going on yet again about baby oil and is basically feeling up her boobs in front of him - seriously, girl is mental.
So he's doing an acoustic version of Sexy And I Know It, with a load of sexy dancers in leopard print leotards prancing about, no doubt about to give him another heart attack. I would like this a helluva lot better if it hadn't been done by that bloke on the internet whose name I forget ages ago. I can't remember the internet version well enough to know how the arrangements compare, but consider me skeptical until I can compare them. Which will have to wait until the next break.
Louis goes mental about how great he is, and if I were James I'd not be wanting to be left alone in a room with Louis. Tulisa says it was good to see him have fun instead of something all intense and Gary cannot control himself, says it was the performance of the series so far. Um, that's going a bit far, and Nicole is just as surprised as me.
Another Direction are up next (btw, all the One Direction puns have been flying so freely around the internet that I do not take ownership of that phrase, nor A Slightly Different Direction or No Direction or any of the others). Their VT is all about how girls find them so sexy, and they're so popular with the girls, and girls love them and OH MY GOD WE GET IT ALREADY.
They're sitting around some platformy things trying to look all pensive and shit (mostly looking like they need to take a shit) and they're singing When Love Takes Over. Their routine thus far involves taking turns standing on different steps of the platform. Well, I suppose that's better than stools. Now they're off the platformy thing, there are some pyrotechnics in the background (or a rather serious problem with the lighting rig) and that's basically it. A bit lame for Club Classics week, but this lot could take a piss on stage and they'd still get voted through.
Tulisa says they were great, get stronger every week, just the beginning, blah blah blah bored now. Gary says they're witnessing the birth of a brand new boyband. And much like childbirth, that is something I do not wish to see. Gary and Nicole both want more harmonies from them, and Nicole wanted more energy and starts into technical stuff about harmonies and notes and things but I'm distracted by her unusual hand jewelry that has chains on it which would distract the shit out of me.
Ad break and I'm able to compare Noah (that's the kid on the internet) and James' acoustic versions of Sexy And I Know It and they're veeeeeeeeery similar. If I were that Noah kid, I'd sue. (But please don't call me as a witness kthxbai):
I mean ok, it's the same song so there will obviously be similarities, and James did it at Judges' Houses which I think I missed, but still. It's like when someone (Matt Cardle, possibly?) did Britney but it was exactly the same as the Travis version, and everyone creamed their pants over how original and brilliant it was.
But anyway, show is back on and it's Rylan and lots of his caterwauling/crying over getting through. They're trying to go for the sympathy vote by showing pictures of him looking ginger and a bit chubby as a kid and how he got bullied. He goes to the hairdressers and a hairdresser who looks a bit like James Arthur with his glasses on tries to shave off Rylan's beard and he wails the whole way through.
Rylan is in some bizarre slightly space-agey get up and once again can't sing. Why can't they find him a song where the fact that he can't sing isn't so feckin obvious?! I'd like his nonsense a helluva lot more if he could hit the odd note here and there. Once again, he's doing a mash up of everything under the sun, and does a little 'I'm sorry for my behaviour' thing in the middle, after all his drunken shenanigans this week, but it's just well weird.
Louis thinks they need him in the competition, he's full of energy, blah blah blah. Tulisa tries to make Gary laugh by asking if he wants a bite of the Baby Bell, and says she always wants to see him perform because it's entertaining. Gary talks about how it's not fair that a talented person has to go home to keep him here, says he should have been the best performance cos it's Club Classics but he was the worst. Nicole goes on about how he's the only one dancing this week, and clicks her fingers a lot. I don't know how Gary stopped himself from snapping them fingers right off her hand.
Rylan looks like he might puke afterwards and just thanks everyone and thanks Brian Friedman who is apparently leaving this week. Is that why he's dressed like Dracula?
Lucy Spraggan is up next and her VT is all about her and Rylan's antics after the show on Sunday night, and apologises for upsetting anyone. Eh, who cares. Apparently she's written part of the song she's doing, but I'm not sure what that means, exactly. It seems to be some sort of re-write of Titanium? I'm not too sure about it though. She can't quite get the high notes of the Titanium chorus, and it's a bit lacking in energy. Not so much from her point of view, but in the overall production or something. Just something doesn't sound quite right or convincing enough about it.
Gary says it's another innovative performance, and that she keeps surprising them and keeping them guessing. Apparently doing anything with an acoustic guitar on stage will get Gary to go mental about you. I wonder if I show up at the auditions next year using a tennis racket for a guitar would I get through? Nicole says she was great, Louis says her new hair is good (um, it doens't look new?) and has a go about her having more fun off stage. What a bitch. Told you he was wearing his mischevious polo neck. Tulisa shuts him up and Lucy is basically 'what do you expect, I'm 21'. Which is fair enough, she just got a bit drunk and fell over. Happens to the best of us. Well, the falling over bit happens to me anyway - that's why I don't drink, I'm enough of a disaster sober.
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| I imagine this is Louis's profile picture right now. |
There's an advert on with a giant robot and teddy bear and some kids. Don't care what it's for, I'm buying what they're selling cos GIANT TEDDY BEAR. Well, except I'm not buying it cos it's an advert for Ikea and I have literally no more room for anything for Ikea in my house. Not to make it sound like my house looks like one of their catalogue pages - I'm not about to go on some Fight Club spree - more that I have no surface areas left upon which to set anything. Including myself, rather often.
Kye is next and omg he bores me. His hair, his guyliner, his stupid facial hair, his rubbish songs. The VT shows Gary going through his performance with him and pointing out everywhere he's flat, which is basically everywhere, and tells him there were 32 flat notes. Gary really is an old fart if he counted them. Gary basically tells him he was rubbish and is getting worse, which apparently gave him his confidence back? Ok, but you still need a hair cut, love.
And he's performing on top of a rubbish heap with a keyboard and I'm still bored. He's doing Save The World by Swedish House Mafia, but it's more like Belgian Bungalow Consortium for how dull it is. It's basically this big intense (supposedly) balladic interpretation, but it's not doing anything for me. Gary nods his head like Churchill the Dog, and Kye takes a while getting off the rubbish heap. But maybe he should just stay there -
Of course, the judges are all over it, it was epic and amazing, and his mojo is back, and he was like Chris Martin. Like another boring twat who is inexplicably popular, then? Ok.
District 3 next, and apparently their problem was that they need to show their personality and fun side. This seemingly involved them showing some of their own ace moves to Brian Friedman. Judging from Friedman's reaction, that's why he's leaving the show. So they're doing Plan B and completely copying his style and almost exactly ripping off his album cover while they're at it. The one with the hat has even taken his hat off. Yo, this shit just got real, bro.
Now they seem to be having a problem with the sound because they're repeatedly asking for the music to be turned up. Oh no wait, it's a mash up of Rihanna. And a dancer old enough to be his ma just felt up one of the kids. That wasn't awkward... Oh and one of them did a back flip, so I'm just waiting for Louis to cal them the new JLS. Just you wait, it'll happen.
Tulisa says it's a good job they showed their confidence after being in the bottom 2 last week, cos that's what girls like. Which is obviously the key to winning the competition. Gary even likes them and calls them a revelation. Nicole goes on again about baby oil. Can someone get this woman a cold shower. And Dermot too, apparently, as he's even trying to get a look in at hat-boy's abs. You're a married man, Dermot, behave yourself.
Ella is last up after the break, and apparently she's planning a shocking peformance. If it involves attacking Louis with a tazer, I'm on board with that.
This feels like the longest ad break ever. Maybe that's just cos I know I get to eat food after this is over.
Ella's VT is all about how Adele tweeted her last week, and about how Ella apparently dances. Brian is tres excited about this. She's doing You've Got The Love and so far her dancing is all arms and hands. Ooh, spoke too soon, there was a hip wiggle. I don't want to rain on her parade, but the dancing isn't doing it for me. It looks too choreographed and not natural enough. And too focused on the arms. It was all about the arms, and I was a bit worried for a while that she got chewing gum stuck to the bottom of her shoes.
Gary says she doesn't need to dance, especially not moves done by Steps, she should say no in the future. Tulisa and Nicole start on Gary about his not being able to dance, and Nicole basically says that she's the only one able to critique dancing on the show (big head, much?) and that she did great, says it was effortless and natural. Clearly this woman is on something. Tulisa tries to copy Nicole's singing-talking thing which is just weird, and Louis loves her as usual. Ella says she just wanted to feel 16 tonight and have some fun, which is perfectly fine and basically Gary needs to shut up because:
So there.
They do the recap and put me off my impending dinner by reminding me of Christopher Maloney. Ugh. Can he please go? He is not going to sell pop records, never, ever, under any circumstances. At least Rylan has the courtesy to have a certain WTF factor to him, even if he's rubbish.
And that's yer lot, I'm hungry, see yous next week. Or before if something really mad happens, so keep your fingers crossed everybody!
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