OMG you guys, what is going to happen?!!! Is Gary going to punch Louis? Is Rylan going to find the ability to sing in tune? Is Louis going to have any clue what's going on?
Let's....find............OUT!!!
Gary can't look at Louis, apparently, cos he's so outraged about last Sunday night. Or maybe just cos he's Louis, who knows? I'd find it hard to have to sit next to him and not smack his daft wee face.
Dermot enters this week without any backing dancers. Wut?!!! Only some lame-o golf swing move, no Gangnam Style nor nothing?!! Pah. The judges come in to Two Tribes Go To War, and so far no one looks too murderous, although Dermot goes on about if looks could kill. Then they recap - again - what happened last week. Yeah, we get it, Louis was a dick, Gary threw a strop, Rylan threw a crying fit.
To "clear the air", Dermot asks Louis what happened, and Louis insists that he just couldn't choose. Gary shakes hands with him, says it's a new day. YOU REALLY ARE A BORING FART GARY, YOU SHOULD HAVE TWATTED HIM THERE AND THEN.
FFS, it's like they don't know they're just there to make ridiculous television.
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| I don't seem to recall this from last year, but lol. |
The theme this week is love and heartbreak. Bleh. Nicole kicks off the show with Jahmene. Apparently Yoko Ono tweeted him after his performance of Imagine last week and she thought it was great. Why does anyone care what she thinks SHE BROKE UP THE BEATLES THE HEARTLESS COW. Jahmene talks about being 21 and not having found the right one so far, and some nonsense about love and what not. Brian Friedman wants him to basically shag the microphone stand right in front of everyone, which, lol.
Ok, so now he's singing and something that I don't recognise which mashes in with Ain't No Mountain High Enough and it takes a while for him to get going. The start of it is a little too low for him, seems like. Once it gets to the chorus and everything, he's able to take it up a key change and it's much more in his comfort zone. Nicole is up and dancing around the place and pumping her fists in the air, as is her rather annoying want.
Louis slabbers all over him about how he's one of his favourites ever, Tulisa can't fault him on anything and says the ladies will love him, Gary calls it a great simple vocal performance and credits him for listening to his advice. Nicole starts calling him babycakes and various things and tells him he was born to be on the stage. So so far, so usual. Dermot also can't keep his hands off of Jahmene's head for some odd reason. Dermy, I do love you, but you can be an odd one.
First ad break and already I'm in danger of ODing on crispy M&Ms. I might be in danger of a carb coma. Mmmm, carbs. Damnit, now I want a pizza. Nommmmm. There's a break on for Plenty kitchen roll and I have to say, when the fake Spanish bloke talks about Jill from 'Wolveringhampton' I do do a little lol. It's a slightly shameful one, but it's a lol nonetheness.
There's an ad on for Frank Bruno's 'shocking story' in the Sunday Mirror tomorrow. Is Frank Bruno even still a thing?
Christopher Maloney is on next for Gary and the overs. Gary says he doesn't want to change Christopher cos he's great as he is, but I hasten to disagree. Louis has the cheek to call him 'Mr Cheese' though. FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US JEDWARD, FOLKS.
Christopher is doing Alone by Heart, which is one of my guilty pleasure, sing-with-the-desk-fan-blowing-in-my-face songs on my Desk Karaoke playlist. I cheese the shit out of that one, but he's trying to make it a bit more rock ballad, along with some cocktail bar scenario going on in the background which is just well weird. He's also grinning oddly, given that it's a song about heartbreak.
I mean, his vocals are all well and good, but this isn't exactly an original or remarkable performance if you ask me. I stand by my insistence that no one will buy his records, outside of grannies, but apparently no one agrees with me. Nicole thought he was fantastic and is very impressed. Louis says he gave it everything, possibly too much, and says it was very cabaret and cruise ship. It makes me feel icky, but he might have a point. Tulisa says the magic word that he's not current, Gary says he doesn't need to be current. Umm, ok then....
Next up, a Slightly Different Direction. Or Union J as they're apparently known as. To be honest, I'm struggling to tell the difference between the two boy bands that Louis has, since they're all shite, generic and bland. But then that's my reaction to basically all boy bands ever, so I may be a bit biased. Louis is yabbering on in the VT about how he knows more about boy bands than Gary thinks, but again, THIS IS THE MAN WHO INFLICTED JEDWARD, BOYZONE AND WESTLIFE UPON US.
Anyway, Another Direction are singing Bleeding Love. They're seemingly modelling Topman's Autumn/Winter 12 catalogue as they're all in their coats with baldy trees in the background. They wander towards the audience and the teenage girls lose their shit and Louis creams himself in his chair. It's just missing a dozy Irish lad to be exactly, completely like One Direction. Seriously, it's slightly terrifying.
Tulisa tells them it's much better, a much better song choice and says they have a lot of potential because of a strong female following. Gary says it's a total transformation from last week and again takes pot shots at Louis. Nicole does the fake-out 'I hate to be the one to break it to you' thing, and says they have everything, and that they'll sell out the O2 one day. And be selling O2 phones in Carphone Warehouse about three years after that.
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| Union J, behold your futures.... |
We're back, and Ella is up next and we see Brian Friedman (I think) trying to weasel some information out of her about her love life, which is slightly creepy since she's 16. Then, of course, there's all the rumours about her and George from Union J. Who the hell cares if she has a crush on some other teenage kid on the show? Leave the poor girl alone. They talk about it here under the guise of 'ooh, it's love and heartbreak week, does she know anything about love or relationships cos she's a kid' but it's clearly a very manipulative attempt to create publicity out of teenage kids in a very bizarre and stressful situation. But anyway.
She's singing Loving You by Minnie Riperton and she actually manages to hit that high note. Holy effing shit. As you all know, I try my best to be as cynical as possible about this show, but she is honestly fantastic. Gary talks about the risk in the high note, but says that she completely nailed it. I can't imagine how nerve wracking it would be to have to sit that note on stage. Nicole says she's timeless, she's not a fad. Louis goes on about her being a worldwide recording artist, but has a go at Tulisa for trying to style her like Adele, but given that Ella has always done the whole 60s vibe, shut up Louis.
Apropos of nothing, but I want some soup. Bloody adverts, I'm so flipping suggestible.
James Arthur is next and he takes Nicole to a pub where she apparently had some pork scratchings. Which she then had to gargle down with a pint. Lol. He's doing No More Drama so Nicole has Mary J Blige call him up. As you do, like.
He's got his coat on too, must be a right draught up on thon stage. Air con must be banjaxed or something. That must be it. Although it's making me want to wear my coat too. I got a lovely winter coat about March or so this year, and I literally had to tear it off me, I loved it so much and wanted to wear it all the time. James here seems to have mixed feelings about his coat, cos he keeps grabbing at it like he wants to take it off. Maybe it's itchy, it's that sort of wool that looks lovely but itches the crap out of you. I know that feel, bro, I'm a slave to fashion too.
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| I luvs coatz |
Anyway, Louis loves it. Personally I wasn't that sold, it was a tad too shouty, but Tulisa thinks it was great cos he has so much pain in his voice. Gary says he can really, really sing but I wasn't hearing it there. Although in all fairness, it's sort of just one of those songs that doesn't afford a lot of room for big singing, it is all about the emotion. Nicole fawns all over him, of course.
Lucy is on next, and of course, her granny died this week so she's crying all over the VT. Which is perfectly natural, and I feel so sorry for her, I just hate the way they use it like this. She isn't trying to use it for anything, but the show is. Apparently she's doing an upbeat song and wants to make people laugh. And it's Gold Digger. Which is definitely not what I'd expect from her. She's got her guitar but there's production all over it, and she raps it and everything. This is actually really good. There are too many people on here that I like and cant really slag off that much. I even like her wee wooly hat. FFS, WHY IS THE X FACTOR TRYING TO RUIN MY SARCASTIC SKILLS??!!
Gary says it was great, Nicole says she swagged it out and made it her own, Louis loved her, Tulisa is proud of her for not going for the sympathy vote (even if the show tried to). And everyone was distracted by the bodypopping dancers, it seems.
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| Lucy got swag, y'al |
They're on a rotating plinthy thing and it's the most interesting thing about the song. Tulisa thinks that they have great harmonies and that's why Louis picked that song for them. Gary goes full tilt in the opposite direction. He says they were all over the place, the song choice was wrong, the harmonies were off, etc etc etc. Louis is having a full conniption in the background, to which no one is paying attention. Nicole says they had good harmonies even though the last note was a bit flat but says she wants something more from them, like rubbing baby oil all over their bodies. Awk-ward. Nicole needs a cold shower.
Jade is next, singing Love is A Losing Game. Her tone is so unique to her that you almost forget that this is an Amy Winehouse song. And while I do really like the ton of her voice, the one thing she lacks here is the pain that Winehouse brought to the song. It isn't lacking in emotion, but it's a little too clean and classy or something? I'm not sure. It's hard to sing an Amy Winehouse song with the same levels of emotion though, given that she was a troubled genius with drug and alcohol addictions who died at 27.
Gary says it was amazing, he's stunned by her, blah blah blah. Nicole says she's like a beautiful, rare, exotic flower, and no one would know about someone like her without X Factor. Yeah, but we also wouldn't have had to endure Wagner, so y'know, swings and roundabouts. Louis loves her and Tulisa says she's proven that her voice is strong enough, etc etc.
Another ad break, and that John Lewis ad with Paloma Faith's cover of Never Tear Us Apart. I feel so conflicted about her version - I love the original song and love anything that reminds me of it, but don't like hearing this compressed, edited version that misses lines out. Mostly I just get frustrated when I see that advert cos I just want to turn off the telly and listen to the INXS version on repeat.
We're back and Dermot is in the audience looking scared by all the lunatic relatives of the contestants. He also reads out a tweet from Adele who loves Ella. Aww, I'm chuffed for her. We need more shit people in this competition, I don't like feeling anything else than loathing and contempt towards the contestants.
MK1 up next, and I'm still on the fence about these guys. Scratch that - they're 'urbaning up' Louis to make him look like a right twat. I LOVE THESE GUYS NOW!!!
They're doing Jackson 5 and I Want You Back. The girl (soz, forgetting names again) has much better vocals this week and he's rapping and stuff on it - this actually works. Which is incredibly odd given that Louis is their mentor. It should be a mess, but if they find the right producers and what not, these 'uns could be relatively successful. Maybe only for five minutes, but still.
Tulisa says they're the most fun on stage of all the acts, etc. Gary says the vocals were a little bit week and that it's a little bit too Glee, and not to let Louis have too much input. I think he's trying to get at Louis too much, but Nicole also didn't really feel it. She says it isn't something that would be on their album, cos they had more edge when they first saw them. I know where she's coming from, but even urban artists can occasionally have fun, like.
They show another picture of 'urbanised' Louis and I still didn't get a screen grab. Damnit!!!!
Kye next and Gary is going on about his credibility as an artist and everything. Sorry, but I'm still a bit bored by this bloke. He reckons he's the envy of every female in the country for having Gary Barlow's phone number though. MEGALULZ.
Kye is doing Rihanna/Eminem's Love The Way You Lie and - oh wait, it's an Eminem guest singer mash up? Cos now it's the Dido bit in Stan. Ummmm...no.
Nicole says it didn't grab her, Louis thinks there's something missing and he could do better. Gary and Louis start fighting about what is missing, but once again, I'm in the icky position of having to agree a bit with Louis. Tulisa says we're not seeing what Kye is all about, that he's not translating. Louis has another go at Gary, saying he's doing something wrong, Gary just about manages not to tell Louis to fuck off.
Rylan is up after the break and lord only knows what this is gonna be like.
Nicole introduces Rylan by making a slight duck face, and of course the VT is all about last week's drama and lots of footage of Rylan crying, and puns about Gary Borelow. Apparently Brian Friedman's choreography for this week includes Anna Wintour lookalikes, Karl Lagerfeld lookalikes, and sexy pandas.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!!
AND HE'S DOING A TAKE THAT SONG LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL - wait no, he just starts out with one and then goes 'I ain't really singing that, that was just for you, Gary'. Seriously, this shit just got real.
Ok, so he's actually doing Groove is in the Heart and then is all 'suprise' and starts doing Gangnam Style. Seriously, what is going on? Have I had a stroke? Now it's Pump Up The Jam. And there are dancing pandas.
This is weirder than when Jedward did Britney.
So of course Louis loves it. Tulisa says it's 'blinking entertaining' even if it is a bit karaoke and mad.
And now Gary. 'Rylan, if this was a competition for how many songs you could kill in two minutes, you would win'. He reckons that the bit at the start with the Take That song was the best bit. Rylan says he booked Gary a cab just in case. Gary comes back and says 'that's funny cos I've had yours on hold for two weeks'. Handbags at dawn, ladies.
I really don't know how to comment on all that. Yes, Gary is right, he can't sing, but that was just pure mental. I'm not quite at the stage where I appreciate him as a comedy act the way I do Jedawrd, but it's true that I couldn't take my eyes off of......whatever the holy fuck that was that was just on my tv. I think I'm gonna have to watch it again on ITV+1 when this is over.
Apparently the X Factor app or website or something has been asking who's getting it right, Gary or Louis, and the smugness nearly overcomes Gary when he sees he's winning with 72% of the vote.
Anyway, Melanie is up next and I really, really want her to do well. Her voice is so incredible and she seems so nice. She just seems so genuine and I literally made a :0 face the first time I saw her sing.
She's doing Never Tear Us Apart - I was wondering how long it would be for someone to do this on the X Factor. She's in a weird white flared trouser suit and is wearing way too much red lipstick. She's doing a version of this song that makes it sound a bit like a Bond theme. That's not necessarily a bad thing, mind. I think she might also be making Paloma Faith cry into her tea a wee bit with the way she's singing the shit clean out of this song.
Nicole says it was a brilliant job, that she can do everything. Louis calls her Scotland's Rock Mama, says he loves the way she can do old school and new school and everything (I do query the fact that he seems to think this was new school - it may be in an advert atm, but he does know it's an INXS song, right?). Tulisa calls her a MILF. OK. And Gary says she's great, of course.
And that's it. I'm still in shock over that whole Rylan performance. Everything else has been wiped out of my mind by the vision of dancing panda ladies. The recap of all contestants just confirms that I want Christopher Maloney to leave next, cos he's boring as shit and completely irrelevant and uncurrent and various other buzzwords that they like using on X Factor. I just noticed that Louis didn't call anyone a 'little' or 'young' anything this week though. Here's hoping it returns next week.
Adios till next week, folks!
Edit: Watching Rylan's bit back on ITV+1, ITV stopped it in the middle and said that they couldn't broadcast it for legal reasons for a few seconds, then went back to the end of Rylan's....whatever that was. Was it cos he went 'Rylan's Style' instead of Gangnam? Huh? I have no idea what legal issues there might have been there. If anyone knows, answers on a postcard as always.
Also, it made no more sense on the second watch. PANDAS AND KARL LAGERFELDS FFS.
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