Evidence of things unseen

I suppose I should really write something here. Hopefully something a tad less dramatic than my last post.

I realise now that it perhaps sounded a bit more sinister than was my intention. When I talk of giving up and so on, I don't mean giving up on actually being alive and breathing and what not - I mean giving up on the idea of anything ever getting any better. Giving up the hope that can be so painful so often. It feels so much like everytime I have hope that things might change, that things can get better that something comes along to knock me down, and then kick me when I'm down, then stamp on my head, piss on me and leave me there for scavenging animals to try to eat. Not that I'm being melodramatic or anything... But it's increasingly difficult to try to focus on the bright side when it feels like the universe punishes me every time that I do.

Which is what brings me to the topic of this lovely little post - evidence. Evidence is a pretty big part of my depression and anxiety problems, now that I think about it. I have all of this evidence stored up inside for every time something has gone wrong, everytime something hasn't gone my way, everytime someone has let me down or hurt me (intentionally or otherwise). And it's very difficult to see evidence for anything more positive. Everything becomes distorted and corrupted in your mind, you absolutely cannot believe anything good that's ever happened, anything good that anyone has ever said to you. Anything good is all lies, as far as you're concerned.

One of the techniques of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is to list the pros and cons to things - make out an actual list of the reasons for and against anything that you think. It's supposed to force you to recognise that you're not always right about the things that you think, to stop you over-generalising and catastrophising everything and look at the details instead of just going off the rails. It's a difficult balancing act, though, to actually make yourself recognise and accept any of the good things. That's what I've been struggling with a lot lately.

For a while there I kept trying - no matter how down I got - to not turn it into a self-worth thing, to not beat myself up everytime I got upset or annoyed or emotional about something. I tried to just accept my flaws rather than focus all my energy on them and how awful a person I must be as a result, and tried to concentrate instead on the person that I want to be. To actually try to be a bit better instead of just complaining to myself that I'm so awful all the time.

But that gets hard sometimes. When you get let down or disappointed or struggle to cope with something not going as you had hoped it would, it got more and more difficult for me to keep trying to focus on the practical, positive, proactive side of things. It didn't even feel like self hate a lot of the time - it was fear. Paralysing, horrible, horrible fear. That I was so much worse a person than I thought, because why else would these things be happening to me? Have I just been kidding myself, pulling the wool over my eyes - am I really so much worse than I ever thought I was, and that's why all of this is happening? And if I'm so awful when I thought I was trying to get better, then I must just be a waste of space, I can't do anything right and should just give up. It went something like that.

I seem to have a fear of not being able to see the real evidence in front of me. I'm terrified of discovering that I've been blind to something, that I've been stupid not to see what's right in my face. I suppose maybe that's something to do with the perfectionism - not just the not being perfect part, but being wrong. I hate being wrong. I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing what to do next, what the right answer is or how to find the answer. In some ways, that's a positive trait in me - I suppose it's what always made me good at research and really enjoy learning things and gave me a curiosity about the world and education. But when you turn that sort of inspection towards yourself, it can all go horribly wrong.

And then on top of all of that, there's the sense of failure. I was so convinced a few months ago that I'd made some sort of breakthrough, that things were really, honestly going to be different. And that I've managed to have such an awful month or two makes me feel rather defeated. It makes me question everything. Do I just keep trying, or am I trying at the wrong thing? Is there something I should be doing differently? And if so, what is it, and how do I find out? And so often, that all just gets so exhausting. It feels physically hard to keep going on, keep getting out of bed and going through the motions each day. Very real and scary financial implications for me and my family are the only things that do eventually drag me out of bed. But that becomes so much effort, that it's hard to find the energy or motivation to do anything else.

I need help with this. But I don't know what sort. New meds? Therapy? Although I can't afford therapy and I don't know if I have any free options left to me at the moment. I know I need to get out and socialise more but I've gotten to the point where I just don't seem to have many friends left, and those that I do have I can only see or talk to once in a blue moon because they're too busy. And then there's the whole can of worms of whether or not to tell anyone anything about my problems, which is a whole other post on its own. My doctor keeps telling me to get out and exercise more. To try to find a hobby or something that involves other people. I don't think she gets just how far gone I am - I can barely force myself to be around my flatmates, trying to do something like that is like entering the Olympics before I can walk. And I feel so confined by so many aspects of my situation that I, once again, don't know what the right answer is. I have zero funds at all for anything - I'm finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meet, let alone finding any disposable income for extracurricular activities. My work schedule is such that I never have free time that I can depend upon - I have to work from home when I'm sick and when I'm on leave, so I can't exactly commit much of my free time to anything because there just isn't much. And I'm so physically exhausted all the time from not sleeping properly that doing anything other than collapsing as soon as I get in the door seems like an impossibility.

Now I'm starting to make excuses for things, I know that. As much as I need some help and support, I need to do this myself because no one can do it for me. I need to make the effort. Trying to figure out that balance between doing it myself and needing and wanting help has always been a struggle for me. I always seem to oscillate between being so desperate for friends and relationships - people I can rely on - and being so hurt and disappointed by the failure of such relationships that I give up on people altogether. Neither is really working for me.

Anyway, that's just some thoughts for the time being. Maybe getting some of this stuff down here will get it out of my head for a bit so I can actually have some thoughts in there about something other than my mental health. It'd be a nice change.

Rut.

I haven't really written anything much here in a while. That is not a good sign. I've gotten to a point now where I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to not be writing about what's going on in my head all the time. I get bored of thinking about it and going on about it, but I fear that not paying enough attention to what's going on up there leads to complacency and laziness.

I've definitely slipped into a bit of a rut the last month or so. Tired all the time, making excuses for not doing anything (even making dinner or tidying my room), I've ended up spending all of my time either asleep or barely conscious in front of the laptop. I can't seem to muster up much energy or enthusiasm for writing at all - hence my liveblogs of the X Factor and reviews of Spooks falling by the wayside a little. I've not managed to get settled on an idea for NaNoWriMo, and of course work has now gotten in the way.

I've been feeling vacant and empty; annoyed and angry at the most ridiculous things - this week the MTV EMAs being held in Belfast was a particular source of anger for me. Despite the fact that it's a great thing for the city, and has highlighted the local music scene that I'm such a fan of, I've just been pissed off by the whole thing. I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that I feel so alone. I was so determined a couple of months back to try to shake my life up, to reconnect with people and try to get out more. But it's not that easy. There simply are not a lot of people in my life at all - not in this country, let alone town - with whom I can do things. Things as simple as just going to the cinema or the pub - there's no one I can just call up and hang out with. And I can't just magic new friends out of thin air. I've been trying to reconnect with old friends and I have done, to some extent, but that doesn't mean that we can start hanging out every night, it's a once every 6 weeks sort of thing. And I can't expect anymore than that - I'm grateful for that much, at least.

And that all leads to resentment that I can't do things that I want because I have no one to do them with, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness and emptiness. There are all these adverts on the radio and tv here at the moment promoting mental health and trying to encourage people to seek help. They all urge anyone feeling depressed to talk to someone, a friend, a family member, anyone. Everytime I hear one of those ads I can't help but scoff at them - if I had anyone to bloody talk to in the first place, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.

I'm not quite getting to the point of hating myself in quite the same way as I used to - I'm managing to keep a bit of a lid on that, for the most part. It's not always easy though - it's scary how quickly I can fall back into old ways of thinking without even noticing until it's almost too late.

Mostly, the worst thing about this is that it gives me too much time to myself inside my head. I spend all of my time alone, pretty much. I sit in an office by myself all day. I go home and sit in my room all night. I never go out, I never have plans. I don't even have as many people to talk to online anymore because of my social media avoidance. All that time to myself, inside this head, is not a good thing. It's very definitely a Bad Thing. Too much time to think about things, to dwell on stuff. And perhaps more dangerously, too much time to daydream and fantasise about everything being ok. Too much time to create an alternate reality in my head where I do have friends, a boyfriend, where everything is how I'd like it to be. And then the harsh light of day when I'm forced to remember that none of that is true.

And I know that I'm the only one who can control the thoughts inside my own head. I'm not trying to make excuses about that. I know that the only way to get more energy to do things - even if it's just productive little things at home like laundry and tidying and making dinner - is by doing things in the first place, no matter how tired or pissed off I might be. But it's hard not to feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Getting out and being around people is what I need the most right now, but I just don't have anyone to do that with.

This is a bit of a rambly, incoherent post, but I've been struggling to concentrate in work so I figured I may as well try to get some of this out there. I have no idea what the answer to any of this is. Just to try harder, I guess.

Heartbroken, but not broken.

I've not really written anything about my head or anything head-adjacent for a few days, so I thought maybe it was time to have a quick check in. Writing here seems to help me to figure stuff out a bit more, moreso than just sitting around thinking about things.

It's been...an odd few days, to say the least. I've not really been sure if I wanted to talk about this here or not, but I figure it might help. My relationship issues have finally been resolved, in that we broke up. He said it was nothing to do with me, that he just isn't in the right place to be in a relationship right now. Which completely and utterly sucks. But there's not much I can do about that. Which is the really frustrating thing sometimes - I think when I was concerned that things weren't going well because of me and my issues and the way I had been behaving of late, I thought it was under my control at least a little bit. That if I could just convince him of how I'd figured so much stuff out and was determined to change, that things would be ok. But that's not the case.

The hardest thing is that we're best friends. Best, best friends. We were so close before we started going out, and meant so much to each other that neither of us wants to lose that. But it's difficult to figure out how to get used to not being a couple but still being close. I know it will be hard, but as I see it I just don't have an option. I need my best friend. So we'll just have to figure out a way to make it work.

I think I've been doing sort of ok with it, though. Which I am a bit proud of, to be honest. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still in the spontaneously-bursting-into-tears-at-any-moment stage, and I'm utterly heartbroken. But I think it helps that I'm not mad at him - it was just really bad timing. And I really do believe him when he says that he still wants us to be close friends. I know that our friendship is important to him, and I suppose it probably says a lot about how far I've come that I can believe that even when I'm upset - that I'm not jumping to the worst conclusions and beating myself up. And I've been doing my best to get on with work stuff and work for my course (which will be over in less than 6 days, thank the lord!).

But it's still really, really crappy. I'm just doing what I can to get through each day. If I feel sad and need to cry a little, then I do, but I try to keep a bit of a lid on it so it doesn't get out of hand. I think I always had trouble with that before - knowing what was ok to be upset about, and how upset was reasonable before I started being self-destructive with it. I seem to be making some sort of progress on that front.

It helps a lot that people have been really supportive of me with the stuff that I've been figuring out over the last few weeks since I started posting here again. My friends are proud of me - and he is too, when I explained everything that I've been working through recently - and I feel proud of me too. That helps keep me going. I like this version of me a lot more, and I want to hang onto her and not let her go. I just keep trying to hold onto this vision of the person I most want to be, and not let any "buts" get in the way.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. Everything is still hard, and takes work. Especially with things like motivation to do stuff that bores the ass off me (namely most of my job and this course at the minute). But I'm getting there.

Busy

Hmm. It seems I haven't written anything in the last day or two. That wasn't intentional, I just somehow was too busy. Well, sort of.

I've been reasonably productive at work this week, which is nice. It's rather satisfying to feel like I'm getting things done and achieving things. Of course, there's still tons left to do, but I've decided that's not my problem anymore. I'm working as best I can in the hours I get paid for - there is literally nothing else that can be expected of me.

I've not been all that productive in other areas, though. I've been coming home and collapsing under the strain of an hour or two spent shopping in town and not really getting much done. This evening I did manage to do some ironing for the first time in I don't even know how long, and put away my grocery delivery. Doesn't sound like much, but it was something.

Still have to get my CV and application form, and my presentation for my course done. I'll get there, though. It's a bit difficult to find the balance between doing absolutely nothing all the time, and trying to be productive. Going from one extreme to the other is obviously not going to work, but I still feel like I'm being rather lazy. But I'm keeping at it and trying to do some things, which has to be better than the nothing I've done every other evening for months.

I also met up with an old friend from university, who I haven't seen for probably a couple of years, this week. Which was really nice. I didn't feel as frustrated as I often have before when trying to catch up with uni friends. I'm not sure exactly why that is. I think it's partly because I'm seeing my life and myself less as something that is to be judged, and more as a work in progress.

This has got to be my dullest blog post yet - I do apologise! It seems like the more I try to think of something interesting to write about, the more my mind resembles a rabbit in headlights. All suggestions gratefully received!

Will you be my friend?

I've always found friendships a bit elusive. Something I desperately hunted after, yet could never quite keep hold of. There are a lot of reasons for that, and I'm sure there are quite a few I've yet to discover. This has been on my mind a bit lately. Relationships of all sort have always seemed to be at the heart of my problems - or at the heart of my hurt, at least. I've carried around the grief of lost friendships and ruined relationships every day of my life. It's heavy, and it taints everything else. Always wondering who's going to reject me next, and when.

I think I'm slowly starting to realise how to let go of that. Some hurts were bigger than others, and will take longer to heal. But I think I'm figuring this stuff out. That other people have their own hang ups and issues, and that not everything has to be about me. And I hope I'm figuring out how to be a better friend to people. To have more patience, to be less selfish, to be more self-reliant instead of trying to make people my crutch. I think that's a mistake I've made a lot over the years - mistaking emotional dependence for closeness. It's incredibly unfortunate that I've realised this too late for some of these friendships, but there you go.

I hope that I can salvage something back from some of them, however. There are a lot of people I've just drifted away from, lost contact with for no real reason. I'm getting back in touch with friends from university with whom I haven't had much contact over the last few years. I think maybe I found it difficult to adjust to our friendships changing as our lives took different paths, but I get that now. I get that we don't have to have the same friendship that we had when we lived together at university and spent 90% of our time together, but that I'd still rather have them in my life than not. I can only hope that they feel the same way about me.

There are other friendships that need repaired, or at least need a service. It's hard to know how to go about doing that sometimes, but I can only try. That's all I can do - be patient, and try.