The past week or so has been...frustrating. I think maybe that's the best way to describe it. I'm frustrated at myself, at things I can't control, at people around me. And I don't like it. I feel like I'm backtracking on the progress I'd made. I'm hoping that a lot of it is hormonal, and that that is at least some explanation for how emotional and out of control I've been feeling. But that's not really much consolation, to be honest. I don't like how I feel, or how I'm acting, or how I'm thinking. I feel like I'm slipping back towards being that person I don't like anymore. I've been irrationally angry, hurt, emotional and felt completely powerless. I've felt like I have no idea which turn to take next - that I can't trust my judgement. Sometimes, I can't even make a decision - I literally have no idea which way to go.
Balance, as I've mentioned before, is something I'm not good at. And that's been a big factor for me lately. When I was feeling dark and low before, I would often think that I might be best to give up on a lot of things - that the hope was what was keeping me down. Maybe I needed to get rid of those things (even if they had at times made me very happy and very 'me') from my life, just accept that things are shit, and move on. But that's defeatist, self-deprecating and non-productive. It's cutting my nose off to spite my face. I know that. And yet...
I know that the bigger thing to do is to try to find a balance with these things. Some sort of middle ground where I'm not living in some sort of fantasy about things, where I'm being realistic but still actively trying to make things better. But I really find that difficult. In the abstract like that, it sounds perfectly plausible and reasonable but when it comes to the crunch I honestly don't know what's the right answer. It's more than just being afraid or unsure or scared of the hard work. I genuinely do not know what will be best for me, sometimes.
Whilst this does apply mostly to one particular area of my life at the minute, I'm being deliberately vague for a couple of reasons. First of all, I'm a bit sick of the sound of my own voice (in my head, anyway) going on about this particular problem. I need a bit of a break from it, but at the same time needed to get it off my chest a bit. And secondly, while there's one particular thing in the front of my mind when I write about this balance thing, I know that it applies to lots of other things. It's something I really need to work on generally. But I really feel quite lost and frustrated about how to do that, when I'm having so much trouble with trusting my own judgement. And my still being quite tired and not fully recovered from being sick is making me make excuses for myself to just lie around and do nothing, and end up getting upset about things. Which is obviously not helping.
Anyway, this has been an even more rambly post than normal, for which I apologise. I will endeavour to get back on track soon, particularly with the recapping/reviewing. I've been horribly lazy about that stuff recently, which I must sort out in the next week or so. I've decided to have a go at live blogging The X Factor (since I'm still on a Twitter hiatus), so I can only apologise in advance for what Saturday night will bring!
No comments:
Post a Comment