X Factor - The Results!

Ok, it's the first X Factor results show where your votes actually matter! Lol, like this is really a democracy and not entirely stage managed. So, first of all we have the mimed group performance (that Hello dance track - I honestly can't be arsed looking up the proper name or the artist) which seems to be weirdly out of sync - not sure if that's the broadcast, or if something odd was happening in the studio, but everyone was a half second off cue.

And now we have to sit through the recaps of last night. Which is only worth it for the cat fighting between Louis and Kelly.

Side note for anyone who's interested - my 67-year-old, not remotely cool, hip or with it mother likes Rhythmix. The apocalypse may be upon us, folks.

Recaps are done, and if anyone is still awake The Wanted are sure to sort that little problem out. At this point, I'd like to point out that my commitment to this live blogging business and my getting home a bit late from Sunday dinner means that I'm watching this on +1. I could be watching Downton Abbey live, folks - this is what I'm sacrificing for you. So there.

I never remember who The Wanted are. I know they're one of those generic bland boybands, but beyond that I'm lost. Couldn't name you one of their songs for love nor money (despite probably having heard them a million times before), and I'm not 100% sure that I'm still conscious through this performance. There's a lot of poles on stage and an at times slightly inappropriate VT in the background, and a lot of girls screaming in the audience. And they look like they might have a two digit IQ between the five of them. Now they're joined by some girl dancers, many of whom look like they accidentally left the house in their undies. But there's a fire on stage now, so I can see how that sort of thing might happen.

Ooh, Dermot just gave us the Five Minute Warning before lines close. Hold me, The Internets, I'm excited! Lol, jk, no I'm not.

There's a break on now. Which means time for crisps for me. Y'know, I think I have to go out on a limb here and proclaim Hunky Dorys to be my favourite ridged/crinkle cut crisps. They aren't too heavy, they've got a great crunch to them and the flavour is spot on. Definitely better than McCoys, I've gone off them big time. I think having a vending machine in a building I worked in for 3 years constantly stocked with McCoys might be responsible for that - slight overkill. Ditto Tayto's Spirals. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still eat them if you put them in front of me, just saying they aren't a favourite anymore. My crisp-pleasure has been somewhat nullified by the appearance of Jeremy Kyle on my television. Why is that man? Srsly, just why?

Lines are now closed, votes may still be cast but will not be counted and you will still be charged, blah blah blah. Gary's not worried despite all the judges having a go at his song choices; Tulisa is appealing for people to actually vote; Kelly is nervous and so is Louis. Whatever, Katy Perry is on now. I'm so divided over her. I hate and loathe many things about her (too numerous and long to get into now) and I think she increasingly sounds like she's constipated when she sings, but some of her songs have been right crackers, you can't deny that. I properly love Last Friday Night (the dorky 80s vid might have something to do with that).

Anyway - she's got her pink hair again, and is playing an acoustic guitar. This is a bit...sedate and sincere for her. She's even properly clothed - and she sounds properly in tune too. That didn't happen last time I saw her on X Factor, that's for sure. Her song is about the one that got away and it's well depressing me. Results show live performances are meant to be all about the spectacle - didn't she get the memo? Way to harsh my crisps buzz, Katy. Hmph. Dermot's chatting to her about her UK tour, where Gary suggests a Liverpool nightclub for her to go to. This bit is always awkward and weird.

Sigh, it's another break. Chocolate time, this time.

Right, we're back and the contestants are all coming out to stand on stage, look nervous and hold each other's sweaty, sweaty hands. Kitty seems to have forgotten her trousers, and Frankie's trousers are so tight that they genuinely look like he can't sit down in them.

First through - The Risk. Then Janet. So far, so boring. Craig is through next, then Johnny (which I'm very glad for, I just hope Louis stops clowning him up), then Misha B. Phew. Kitty looks a bit like either she's eaten something she's allergic to or she's injected her entire face with a bucketful of collagen to perpetuate the myth that she's 26. Sami is through next, good. Then Rhythmix. Which is ok, I guess. They def aren't bad or anything, I just can't get that excited about them. Sophie goes through next - that means all of Kelly's acts are through, Tulisa and Louis are left with one act, and Gary with two. Kitty goes through next. To a few boos, I think. And rightly so, she's just too mental and off-putting. This leaves Nu Vibe, Frankie and Marcus. And this is when my internet stream decides to fuck about with me. Through the buffering, it looks like Nu Vibe are up against Frankie for the final. GOOD. They're both well shit. Nu Vibe are clearly going home, though. But it's nice to see that despite all the screaming girls for Frankie and his STUPID, STUPID, STUPID hair, no one likes him.

Seriously, this is basically what Frankie's hair looks like.

Virgin Media, with this buffering (which I keep initially typing as buggering. Ooh err missus, etc etc) you are really killing me. I've also finished my snacks at this point and am very sad face about it. I've got the makings of plenty of chicken sandwiches in the kitchen but that involves a) getting up and b) actually making the sandwiches. This is one of many occasions where a butler would come in well handy. Not to mention in helping me hide my secret identity so that I can fight crime in Gotham City.

X Factory (genuine typo but I'm keeping it cos lol) is back, from what I can gather through the .....Buffering ITV+1. Grrrr indeed. I feel like I'm in one of those adverts for broadband on tv. No idea what crappy song Nu Vibe just sang but it was dull anyway. Gary looks well pissed at Frankie being in the final. I think Gary might get a few surprises along the way about what appeals to the morons voting at home for this show, and what doesn't. Frankie is singing a song. He has this incredible talent of making it sound like every other song he's ever sung. Cos his voice is so generic, bland, boring and unremarkable. I think Gary's just been mesmerised by his tight, tight trousers and his stupid, stupid hair.

Votes now, and Gary is still going on about how much he can't believe Frankie is singing for survival. Get over it, love. He sends home Nu Vibe, obvs. Kelly looks pained and keeps 'umming' and eventually votes to send home Nu Vibe. Tulisa obvs votes for Frankie, leaving it to Louis to either send Nu Vibe home or go to deadlock. Louis milks it for all it's worth and eventually sends home Nu Vibe. Frankie, his hair and his impossibly tight trousers live to fight another day.

Buh-bye then.

Nu Vibe's best bits reel is dull as ditchwater. Tulisa is gutted, doesn't know what went wrong, etc etc. Results show is always such an anti-climax, isn't it? Just once I'd like someone to drop to the floor, lie there prostrate flailing their limbs everywhere and refusing to leave the stage till the security have to come on. A little bit of Jerry Springer wouldn't hurt anyone, is what I'm saying. And that reminds me of this scene from The West Wing: