X Factor - The Live Blog

Another Saturday night, another X Factor live show. The fact that this might be the highlight of my week is making me very sad face. Very sad face indeed.

Apparently it's rock night this week. Oh lord. Expect a lot of devil horns, and a whole lot more cringing.

The judges come out to Jump by Van Halen. I feel like there's a pun to be made somewhere in there, but I can't be doing all the work here folks. I'm also getting well sick of Tulisa's arm/tattoo thing she does when she comes out each week. She's so obviously trying to copy Cheryl Cole with a signature move, it's a bit rare, frankly.

First up is Marcus, who's telling the sob story of his single mother. Wouldn't be X Factor if there wasn't a sob story. He's doing Are You Gonna Go My Way. It's...I dunno what it is. He's not the most natural rock performer in the world, being only slightly less camp than Johnny. He's trying to stick as many 'ow!'s and such into his performance but it's a bit flat for my liking. I'm just not really buying what he's selling.

Louis is all over it though, gives him 10 out of 10. Tulisa says he blew her away. I have no idea what they were watching. Kelly says he made the stage his, she'd been worried about his ability to do that but he definitely did it tonight. Gary stands up and says 'that's how to open a show'. SRSLY, I could've had a nap during that, what are these people on?!

Janet is next. Glad they're getting her out of the way soon cos she annoys me more and more each week. Her accent is utterly, utterly fabricated - thon's not a Tyrone accent, I tell yous that and I'll tell ye no more. In the VT beforehand, they show her talking to journalists where they go on about how no one is writing about her, and to be fair to her, she fairly stood up to them and said she was there to sing and she wasn't going to pretend to be someone she's not. Showed a fair amount of backbone for a 16 year old, so I have to at least give her props for that.

She's doing Sweet Child of Mine, which I believe I called (in my head, should really have written it down) weeks ago. It's all harps and shit - hardly rock, like. She is moving around a bit more than we've seen from her so far. But honestly, Dolores O'Riordan needs to take out a copyright suit against her or something for all those vocal ticks she's nicked straight off of her.

So let's see what the judges have to say? Louis loved the arrangement, says it's all about one thing with her - the voice - and he loved it. Tulisa says it wasn't rocky - THANK YOU - and that she thinks she's capable of an edgy, uptempo performance and wants to see that from her. Gary thinks it was beautiful and gorgeous, gives her credit for 'leaving the mic stand' (ffs, that's what they're giving credit for now?!). Kelly obviously loves her, and Janet herself said she wanted to put her own stamp on it. Her own stamp being not a million miles removed from an MOR version of a Cranberries stamp, but I'll shut up about that now.

And we have an ad break. I feel like this is rather far into the show to have an ad break, unless I passed out through one earlier. I'm also perplexed by the fact that I'm now watching the UTV feed of this on tvcatchup.com rather than the London one that I normally have. I didn't know they could do that. I don't know if I'm happy about that - I like avoiding the regional shite that UTV mistake for 'local colour'. If Frank Mitchell appears on my television/laptop at any point this evening I will not be responsible for my actions. You have all been warned. Hmph.

And now I'm sitting through ads from the NI Fire Service and about Carnfunnock Country Park. During X FACTOR. Oh ffs, now it's an ad for Dunnes. Jesus wept.

As the ads are still going on, I will describe for you a terrible dilemma I'm currently going through. I desperately would like something nice for my dinner - some sort of wintery comfort food, like sausages and champ or something (which I do have in the fridge) - but I can't cook and blog at the same time. My commitment to the piss-taking of reality television continues unabated.

Right, we're back and it's one of Louis's acts up first - and just before Louis introduce Sami, Dermot headlocks Louis and gives him a noogie. Awesome.

Gary and Louis are clearly at loggerheads - there's a clip of them backstage from last week where Gary puts him well in his place. Hee. Apparently Louis has her doing a Cher song, which she wasn't too keen on. I'm with her and Gary on this one - Louis is a fucking liability.

She's doing If I Could Turn Back Time and trying to give her best rock stare/scowl down the camera, but she does look a wee bit mental when she does it. Louis is pure loving it, Gary has a face on him like a smacked arse. She's singing her wee heart out like, but it's a fucking ridiculous song choice. Even in the early 90s this would've been a ridiculous song choice. She doesn't look overly pleased once she's finished.

Tulisa says it was a bit karaoke because of the song, but she has the voice for it. Kelly loves her voice, says she entertained everyone, and looked like she enjoyed herself. Gary calls it 'totally boring'. And apparently someone is swearing at him down there. He's not pleased with that either, hee. He says the competition is about finding someone to sell albums and cds and that's not going to happen with that performance. The others think he's being a bit hard on her. Sami says she didn't really want to do that song, but she just wants people to vote for her. In the continuing war between Louis and Gary about song choices, Gary says that Louis takes bad acts and makes them worse. He has a point, but I think suggesting that Sami is a bad act to start with isn't fair.

Anyway, all that srs bsnss aside, it's Rhythmix up next. They're all talking about their bonding and the different personalities within the group. Apparently rock to them means devil horns, screaming whilst wearing too much eyeliner, and waving their hair around. They're doing Ke$ha, Tik Tok. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT ROCK?!!!! Oh lord, it's a mash up with Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa. I literally look like OMG cat right now. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

This is more rock than Ke-dollar sign-ha.

Louis of course goes on that it wasn't rock. Kelly thinks they're getting more pulled together but that they need to be better than every other girl band out there. She also calls Tulisa on it not being rock, and Gary challenges her on that as well. Apparently Tulisa thinks that putting a guitar riff on a song constitutes rock and they all get in a big bickerfest. It's kinda funny, cos they're right and Tulisa is wrong. Dermot has to try to calm them down but they literally just keep shouting over each other. It's well funny, and at least I wasn't the only one thinking WTF to the song choices.

After the break we have Sophie, so Imma gonna go pee. brb.

Back. I got crackers and cheese, and I'm good to go now. Bring it on. And by 'it', I refer to whatever hilariously pisspoor attempt at rock X Factor has for me next. FYI, if you really wanna see some rock, check out these guys:

But anyway. Sophie is next. Apparently she has to prove everyone wrong that she's not boring this week and to show off her personality. She's doing what seems to be a really slow version of Living On A Prayer. She's all decked out in leathers and what not, but I sense a crescendo in the wings. I'm wrong though, cos she doesn't really do much that different with the chorus. It's still really slow and acousticy. Thing is, her voice isn't so quiet that she couldn't have had a more rockier backing track to it. That was fairly boring, if you ask me.

Louis thinks it was great and Kelly should give her more attention. Tulisa says it was the one to make a ballad, so it was great and she doesn't need to worry about the personality thing. Gary says she's starting to make an emotional connection with the songs and it's great, and Kelly shouts a lot of nonsensical stuff in the direction of Louis.

Good grief, it's another break. I think they must've overrun in the last segment with all the judges bitching or something.

We're back and it's Craig next. He's talking some stuff about it being tough becoming close to people who are your competition, some stuff about his family, blah blah whatever. Gary has him doing an Oasis song. SNOOZEFEST. Even worse, it's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Once again, I think it could've benefited from a better arrangement - one a wee bit rockier and a lot less MOR/fake string section-y. Plus, for someone so cheery and smiley all the time, when he performs he's always scowling like he's got a palsy in his lip or something.

Louis thinks he was great, Tulisa says it was great and everything, but she doesn't see how it was rock - it didn't have the energy and vibe of rock. Kelly says it's about the roots of the song and he was back in his zone, Gary says he was able to relax when Craig comes out because he's in so much control. Whatever, I still say it wasn't rock and it was boring.

Well. Kitty is next, and this should at least be anything but boring. I'm expecting pyrotechnics, air guitar, the whole bit. So she's doing Live and Let Die, which is a good choice for her. She starts off at a piano. Whether or not she's actually playing I don't know. She's got her hair up in an incredibly high pony tail and is in some sort of cat suit? Her voice is a wee bit all over though. It didn't start out too well, she's better in the louder bits. Also during the riffy bits she looks like she doesn't know what she's meant to be doing, she just sort of struts awkwardly around. The judges look like they can't tell what to make of it (other than Louis who is, naturally, loving it). There;s lots of fire, as predicted, but it still feels for me like it was missing something. Just something there that didn't quite work. She always seems to come off that way for me.

This is kinda what she looked like. It's a rockin kitty, see? See what I did there?

Tulisa agrees that it was at least rock, so there's that. She says Kitty nails it every week and did again. Kelly agrees with me that there's just a little something that's not quite working at times but she's good. Gary loves her, which is...surprising, to say the least. He says she's the only one trying to say something through their music, and he's all in. I don't know what's going on anymore. Is it still Saturday? Am I awake? Or am I still in that weird dream about Doctor Who I was having earlier on? This Sims 3 Pets ad isn't helping to make that any clearer.

Anyone wanna bring me a diet coke? Hmm? There's still another 45 minutes of this to go and I'm nt honestly sure I'll make it.

Especially not with Frankie being up next. Apparently his confidence is knocked so he needs to go out and get drunk and pull 'a few cheeky sorts'. God I hate this kid. I hope he gets his ass handed to him tomorrow night. They've got this whole VT thing playing on screen - the behind the scenes rockumentary thing where they follow him as he goes out on stage. Ugh. HATE. He's doing Rocks Off as well. I like this song. Piss off you wee twunt. In fairness, it does sort of suit him, especially the whole staging of everything, where he's leering at the girls on stage and pushing cameras away and that. Problem is he's just a pretender. He thinks he can run around acting like Pete Doherty and he'll make it, but he's just a fucking twat. I seriously hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE. He's just a haircut and a tight pair of jeans who got lucky.

Louis says he's glad he saved him, but he's over-confident and not as good as he thinks he is. Tulisa thinks they've lost the real Frankie and wants to see his heart - she accuses Gary of trying to make Frankie into the person he wishes he was when he was young. Gary has a very WTF reaction. Kelly says she believes all the swagger but he needs to work a lot harder vocally. Gary says he lied for him last week and told him his performance was good but it was shit and he deserved to be in the bottom two. Oooh, TRUTH BOMB!!!! He says this was a good come back, but not a great one though. I really, really hope he goes soon.

There is an advert on my tv that is scaring me. It's for some sort of meat paste thing that you use to make gravy, but the ad involves a cow manifesting out of a pot of gravy and dancing to I Like The Way You Move (or Mooooove, presumably?). There have been a lot of things on telly this evening making me doubt my sanity.

The Risk are next. Hurry up and put Misha on. Their VT is all about how much they love the ladies and the ladies love them, and about how shit their rehearsal was. Not shockingly, they aren't doing a rock song either - it's Crazy by Gnarls Barkley with a bit of a riff thrown over it in production. Even if Tulisa thinks this week is all about the energy and vibe of rock, this is definitely not that. And their voices are a bit wobbly on some of the harmonies, which was the problem they seemed to be having in dress.

Louis loves them, even though it wasn't hard rock. He tells Charlie he's his favourite singer - run for the hills, lad, run. Apparently one of the lads has glandular fever and laryngitis, boo hoo, whatever. Kelly likes them and high fives Tulisa, but they need to smooth out their vocals a bit more. Gary was worried for them after their rehearsal but they pulled it together. Tulisa says she isn't going to make excuses for them, then makes excuses for them. Whatever, I could honestly care less about this. I WANT MISHA. HURRY UP. I AM OUT OF CHEESE AND CRACKERS.

But I have to wait another while cos Johnny is next. Johnny thinks Gary is fighting his inner feelings for him, bless. He knows that his time is running out, and is a bit worried about being a circus act. He's also worried about rock week, which is hardly surprising. They have him doing A Thing Called Love. He comes down on a huge platform, and at least isn't in stupid costume. His voice works very well with the falsetto parts of the song, but I'm not convinced entirely. I think we also missed something there - the camera cut to Gary laughing his pants off at something, but we don't know what. Johnny does seem to be very nervous god love him, but he's doing ok. He comes down around the judges at one point and sings directly at Gary, which did make me giggle. A bit off in places, but better than his other performances I think.

Tulisa can hardly be hard over the screaming crowd, says he smashed it. Kelly says she doesn't know if she can see him selling records but she knows 'fer durn sure' she loves watching him. When it's Gary's turn to speak, he gets a few boos, but then he says that he really enjoyed it and that he was the only person who could've sung that song. Louis babbles some load of crap but no one cares cos the crowd is going mental for Johnny. Johnny is delighted at the reaction, Gary asks him if he got his shiny suit from Argos (cue Argos pulling their ads from X Factor slots in a huff), and Johnny rebuffs that no, he got it from Gary's wardrobe. I think the Johnny and Gary Show might be the best thing about X Factor this year.

Misha B is next, finally. She's doing Purple Rain. The staging is relatively sedate for her, letting her just sing the hell out of the song, which is she doing and then some. There's not a lot you can say about that performance, other than that she nailed it. Louis tells her she's got an amazing voice, he hopes she isn't over-confident, to which the whole audience boos. Tulisa then brings up some crap about her being too feisty off stage, which Gary slaps down. He says they're looking for someone to sell albums and she's right in front of them. She has talent and vision. Kelly and Louis start getting into bitch fights about whatever has been going on back stage, and it's all incredibly petty and clearly intended to knock her down a peg or two and make people think twice about voting for her because she's clearly the front runner.

Well, that ended things on a fairly nasty and unseemly note. Whatever, I just want my dinner at this point. To tomorrow night and the results!