X FACTOR...THE...LIVE....BLOG!!!!!

My favourite result from a google image search for X Factor 2011

Totally forgot I had said I was going to live blog The X Factor this week, so I'm a tad late. Whoopsie.

Just managed to catch the last half of Nu Vibe's dance rendition of With Or Without you - which sounded exactly like you'd imagine it would. Which is to say, shit. And honestly, is there anyone in the world who doesn't think that Nu Vibe just sounds like a sex toy? C'MON, TULISA [/Gob].  Tulisa (obvs) and Kelly loved it, Louis and Gary think they're crap. I feel dirty agreeing with Louis, but there you have it.

First ad break and there's a shortened version of that Yeo Valley boy band ad, which is honestly funnier and more entertaining than anything in the show. And the bloke with the longer hair is really familiar looking but I can't place him.

Anyway - apparently it's Classic Love Ballads week, and Sami is up next for Louis. She seems like a nice, bubbly person, very confident, role model for overweight people, blah blah blah, but she needs to stop saying 'sweetheart' in that mid-Atlantic accent all the time.

And she's doing I Will Always Love You. They could only have made this more obvious if they'd had her black up and do coke right there on stage. I mean, she's got a helluva voice on her, don't get me wrong, but this might be the most obvious song in the world for her to sing. Oh bloody hell, they've even got a choir for her, and a VT in the background of a load of candles. The only way for this to be more obvious is for Louis to come out right now.

Crowd is going wild, now for the judges reactions - Tulisa thinks she nailed it; Kelly wants to beat up the dude that ever broke Sami's heart (I have to say, I kinda love Kelly and all her American 'PUT IT DOOOOOWWWWWWN' stuff - it's fun at least); Gary loves her but thinks that was a bit cruise-shippy, and Louis calls on Wales to vote for her. OH WHAT A SURPRISE THAT IS KNOCK ME DOWN WITH A FEATHER. Sami rather hilariously hits back at Gary by saying that Jane McDonald is a cruise-ship singer and she loves her - I think she's not quite getting Gary's point there.

And it's another ad break. Lord bless us and save us.

There's an ad on for that cheesy rock musical Rock of Ages, but the fact that Justin Lee Collins is in it (along with another X Factor alumni Shayne Ward) is kinda making me wanna see it. I can't tell if that's because my ironic cheese sensor is on overload, or if I've actually lost my mind. Either way, I think it's a contender for the London Birthday Trip To End All Birthdays of February 2012.

And now there's a VO5 ad that seems to be set in Amish land and has a country/bluegrass version of Word Up in it. Hmmmm. It has reminded me that I need to wash my hair tonight. Yes, a Saturday night of X Factor live blogging and hair washing. DON'T BE TOO JEALOUS, PEOPLE.

Now it's Craig Colton up for Gary. That Jar of Hearts song seems to have been all over the radio since last week. I am a bit glad that he got through, he's not as much of an obvious popstar as the others in Gary's category are. He's doing that Beyonce song Best Thing You Never Had or whatever the hell it's called, with his by now trademark scowl/raised upper lip/possibly constipated look. I like that he's got this little swagger thing going on, but he has to be very careful for it not to become completely and utterly feckin ridiculous.

Oh, and he's got a choir too, though smaller than Sami's. Not sure if that's a metaphor for something? Louis thinks he's very brave for doing a Beyonce song, but it worked. Had he done it with a fake baby bump up his jumper, that would've been brave, Louis. He just sang a song ffs. Tulisa wasn't sure it'd work but thinks it did, and shows his versatility. Kelly thinks it wasn't the best song choice (lol) but says it was still a good performance. Gary, of course, backs him all the way. Dermot tells him he's looking fab on the Barlow diet, and Craig says in that hilarious Scouse accent 'that's what happens when you eat lettuce'. Aww, I do have a soft spot for him.

Janet is next - Kelly references her having had a tough week (her granda died), but that she'll wow everyone. In the VT Janet talks some load of shit about how she was an outsider at school (cue pic of her dressed like a hipster outside City Hall in Belfast, which is the epitome of not an outsider), and then cries a bit about her granda. Which even hard-hearted I won't take the piss out of.

She's doing I Can't Help Falling In Love With You. I would like her so much more if a) the whole shy thing didn't seem so bloody affected and b) if she could learn how to FUCKING PRONOUNCE WORDS. Also she's picked up a lot of vocal ticks from Dolores O'Riordan. I don't think this is her best performance so far - the bridge seemed a teensy wee bit out of tune for me, but I'm guessing everyone will love it anyway. And of course, she ends the song looking sad down at her feet.

Louis is going on about her Celtic Soul - I think he wants to take some sort of credit for her through the sheer coincidence of them both being Irish. Tulisa raves about the song being meant for her, and no one could possibly sing it like her, blah blah blah. Gary says she's a translator of songs because the audience feels every note as well as hears it (personally I need a BLOODY TRANSLATOR FOR THE FECKIN LYRICS OMG WOULD YOU LEARN TO ENUNCIATE WEE GIRL), and Kelly is all proud of her and throwing more Yankie Doodles about (g-father, this time). They don't try to get too much out of her, which shows a helluva lot more compassion and common sense that we've seen on the X Factor in the past, and there's yet. another. ad. break.

Also, I'm hungry. But my commitment to bringing all 3 of you hilarity that probably isn't even understood outside of the UK and Ireland means I'm here for the long haul. X Factor is an endurance sport, that's for sure.

That little bollix Frankie is on next. He had the blandest, most narcolepsy-inducing voice - literally all he has going for him is his swagger and his stupid, stupid, stupid hair. And he's going to sing a Coldplay song now. Oh for the love of God, Gary, could you not find something a bit more MOR for him to sing?! It's The Scientist and I want to kill myself. He's all over the show in the chorus, and Gary looks well-nervous. It sounds like a huge stretch for him, range-wise, to sing - but none of the stupid screaming girls going on about his bum care about that.

Louis calls it very average, says he's lost his swagger - Kelly demands to know if Louis knows what swagger is and tells him he's not allowed to say swagger again. Heh. Kelly does up the lol factor. Tulisa also thinks it was a bit samey. Kelly starts saying something similar and Louis interrupts her to accuse her of agreeing with him and she shushes him. Can't remember what Gary said COS I FELL ASLEEP OMG BORING. But everyone seems to agree that it wasn't his best. When Louis snipes that the song choice was wrong, Gary retorts that he should've given him I Will Always Love You. I feel your point Gary, but you don't really have any legs to stand on, Mr MOR Literally Dressed Entirely In Grey.

ANYway. Johnny is next. He's so lovely but I don't know what on earth they can do with him. Louis is most likely going to make a complete twat of him. He seems to be trying to make him the next Wagner. I mean, we get that he's as camp as all get out, but at the same time, stop cheapening his voice, Louis. Anyway - he's doing a Kylie song which he's all excited about. It's Can't Get You Out Of My Head and he's all trussed up like a geisha girl. LITERALLY. Kylie is actually a good choice for him for his vocal range and pitch, but they should've tried a different arrangement for him to really show off how talented he is. I feel sorry for him, mostly. Gary is not going to like this either. And if his face is anything to go by, he didn't.

Johnny also ended the performance with a big 'VOGUE'. WTF?! Tulisa says basically what I did just then. See? I SHOULD BE ON TV. Kelly literally can't string a sentence together to react. She's in too much shock and also got distracted by one of the dancers. Now it's time for Gary, who says he's sad because he doesn't want Johnny to be a joke. He then has a go at Louis for saying Frankie had no swagger when he has Johnny done up like Aladdin. Johnny's answer? 'You can rub my lamp anytime, Gary.' AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone, Gary included, busts into laughter. He has to stay in for his banter alone, srsly guise.

Probably a good job for the sake of the judging panel that there's another break now, I think Gary might need an oxygen tank to get his breath back.

Another Scouser up next, Marcus. I absolutely feckin loathe the song he did last week, which I've been forced to listen to approximately 87 times a day on the office radio for the last while. He better do something good this week or I'm gonna.....I have no idea where I was going with that. But apparently he's doing summat to show off the vocals this week, according to Gary. So far, I see lots of fire and half-nekkid folks on stage. Ah, it's Russian Roulette by Rihanna. He seemed a wee bit wobbly at the start but he's doing a good job now. It's still not that interesting a song though. I've moved on to hoping some of the dancers get accidentally set on fire.

Ooh bloody hell, he totally messed up the last note of that song. Louis says it was the wrong song choice, and that he wants people in Liverpool to vote for him. I think we just need him to call Marcus a little Lenny Henry and Louis Bingo will have a full house. Tulisa says it's not the best from him, cos he has a better voice. Kelly wants to see more emotion, Gary thinks he was brill, obvs. When Louis once again has a go at Gary for the wrong song choice, Kelly is all 'no, no, no' up in his grill.

Rhythmix are up next and they go on about the curse of the girl bands in the VT, the difficulty of choreography and singing, and then one of them burps in the middle of a piece to camera. Awesome. Now, they're talking about the challenges of food shopping for themselves. Yep, it's a hard-knock life. Whatever they sing this week, I just hope that one with all the hair that looks a bit like an owl is dressed a bit better - she always looks a state next to the rest of them stick insects. Aaaaand no, she's not. She's in yet more hammer pants. Le sigh.

They're doing I'm Like A Bird, but all urban, like. It's...ok, but not any better than that. They clearly can sing and everything, but their versions of songs just aren't as interesting and original as they need to be. Of course, I use the word 'original' in the loosest sense, this is X Factor after all.

Louis thinks they're great fun, great energy, etc etc. He agrees with Gary last week that they're the best girl band that have been on X Factor so far. Tulisa says they smashed it. Cheryl Cole launches a copyright lawsuit. Tulisa goes on about how real the girls all are and some shit about strong women. What-ever. Kelly wants them to get through so she can see more from them, and Gary thinks they're great and doing their own thing, blah blah. Tulisa says that people should vote for them because they're real and representing women and, I quote, 'like every other girl at home watching this show'. FUCK. OFF. LOVE. For the sake of my blood pressure, I shall leave it at that. Harumph.

I really can't abide those jobsite adverts that yer man Max whatshisface does. They're so bloody patronising in a recession where unemployment figures are on the up. But that's for another blog.

I can't decide who's more pathetic - the mini 'dancers' or the members of the public in those Talk Talk X Factor ads. Can we just cull them all? Two birds with one stone, perhaps?

Anyway - Misha B is next. I really want her to win. She's the most interesting and exciting - she might not be the most original artist in the world, but she's a lot more real than most people you get on here. Tonight, she is wearing a purple shiny jumpsuit that Grace Jones would be envious of. It's cut way down to here and has shoulder pads bigger than my arms. Oh the song? Oh yeah, she's doing Would I Lie To You - and honestly, it had to get to the chorus before I knew what it was. That's a good thing, btw. She's marching around the stage and judges like she owns it. And very sensibly, they didn't have a rap bit stuck in the middle of it - they didn't need it.

Louis loves everything about her, thinks she's a new urban queen. Tulisa loves it, Gary loves it, obvs Kelly loves it. She's class, her. Gary says she's more like one of the guest artists than a contestant. The man has a point. I also love how sweet and quiet she seems when she talks after he performance - completely different to her on stage persona, but she doesn't come across as fake at all. There's a good chance I'll get too pissed off to continue watching this show if/when she gets voted off.

The Risk are next. No idea what's meant to be so special about them. None whatsoever. They did alright last week, but it sounded just like the original so I dunno why they're meant to be so great. If the VT is anything to go by, apparently their most amazing talent is being attractive. They're on stools (Gary and Louis are gonna love it) doing one of those songs I can never really place that's all over the radio these days. Amazing Just The Way You Are? Something like that? I swear, there's a good 10 songs out in the last year that I think are all the same person, but it turns out they're all by different people. And there's no way in hell I care enough to remember who they are.

They have violinists miming the string arrangement behind them, but basically it's all about the stools. And the things they're sitting on. OMG DID YOU GET THAT? DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? LOLZAPOLOOZA UP IN YO FACE.

As predicted, Louis loves them. I think they're his Wand Erection for this year. He's predicting big things for them. I think one of those big things might be in his pants. Kelly says they should be proud of themselves, but she looks like she wants a nap more than anything. Gary calls them pure class and they jump around the stage as he goes on about hard work and commitment. Gary Boredlow, more like. Tulisa thinks they're not manufactured, despite the fact that they are the remnant of two groups she put together, that she put together, on a reality music tv show. OMG THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS. Louis also has a wee giddy fit about the stools working, while Dermot takes the piss out of them (the stools, that is. The actual furniture, I mean. Can we just change their name from The Risk to The Stools? Please?).

Sophie Habibis is next. She does have a really great voice, but she kinda bores me. And that haircut with the fringe does not suit her. It makes her look a good ten years older than she is. She's doing Wherever You Will Go by The Calling. A more MOR song does not exist, I fear, but she's doing a good job with it. It feels a bit samey to what she did with Katy Perry last week, but it's still good.

They all seem to love her voice and say she needs more confidence and a spark to make her stand out. I think they have a point, because I'm getting sleepy and bored at this point.

Kitty is up after the break. Doing Bjork. Hold me.

OMG Jedward are in the audience. In gold sequined track suits. I'm surprised they're allowed out in public like that.

Kitty is talking about how disrespectful it was to be booed last week. She says those people should be ashamed of themselves. Lol, get over yerself love. She's a proper nutter, her. She's doing It's Oh So Quiet. Which makes sense, cos I doubt anyone involved with the X Factor has ever heard of any other Bjork songs. This is gonna be proper mental. She seems to be Alice at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. The loud bits are actually disappointingly not mad enough. They have a slightly Queen-esque guitar rock thing to them but it's just not working.

Louis is desperately trying to get the crowd worked up for her and Tulisa thinks that she's an amazing artist despite being 'a bit different'. Kelly tries to remind her that she needs people to like her to buy her records. Gary says she deserves to be there for her talent, Louis says she always delivers, was born to be on the stage and gave the performance of the night. I think what was wrong with it is that she needed to be running around the stage more during the loud bits of the song. That's what the song makes you want to do, that's kind of the entire point of it, but the staging didn't let her move around enough. Meh, I dunno, at this point I'm putting way too much thought into all of this.

Lines are now open, which means we have the interminable recaps and phone numbers to go through. Katy Perry is on the results show tomorrow night. I have no real thoughts on that.

Till tomorrow night then!