X Factor 2nd Live Show: Live Blog

It's....the...second...live...show...live...blog!!!

OMG you guys, what is going to happen?!!! Is Gary going to punch Louis? Is Rylan going to find the ability to sing in tune? Is Louis going to have any clue what's going on?

Let's....find............OUT!!!

Gary can't look at Louis, apparently, cos he's so outraged about last Sunday night. Or maybe just cos he's Louis, who knows? I'd find it hard to have to sit next to him and not smack his daft wee face.

Dermot enters this week without any backing dancers. Wut?!!! Only some lame-o golf swing move, no Gangnam Style nor nothing?!! Pah. The judges come in to Two Tribes Go To War, and so far no one looks too murderous, although Dermot goes on about if looks could kill. Then they recap - again - what happened last week. Yeah, we get it, Louis was a dick, Gary threw a strop, Rylan threw a crying fit.

To "clear the air", Dermot asks Louis what happened, and Louis insists that he just couldn't choose. Gary shakes hands with him, says it's a new day. YOU REALLY ARE A BORING FART GARY, YOU SHOULD HAVE TWATTED HIM THERE AND THEN.

FFS, it's like they don't know they're just there to make ridiculous television.

I don't seem to recall this from last year, but lol.

The theme this week is love and heartbreak. Bleh. Nicole kicks off the show with Jahmene. Apparently Yoko Ono tweeted him after his performance of Imagine last week and she thought it was great. Why does anyone care what she thinks SHE BROKE UP THE BEATLES THE HEARTLESS COW. Jahmene talks about being 21 and not having found the right one so far, and some nonsense about love and what not. Brian Friedman wants him to basically shag the microphone stand right in front of everyone, which, lol.

Ok, so now he's singing and something that I don't recognise which mashes in with Ain't No Mountain High Enough and it takes a while for him to get going. The start of it is a little too low for him, seems like. Once it gets to the chorus and everything, he's able to take it up a key change and it's much more in his comfort zone. Nicole is up and dancing around the place and pumping her fists in the air, as is her rather annoying want.

Louis slabbers all over him about how he's one of his favourites ever, Tulisa can't fault him on anything and says the ladies will love him, Gary calls it a great simple vocal performance and credits him for listening to his advice. Nicole starts calling him babycakes and various things and tells him he was born to be on the stage. So so far, so usual. Dermot also can't keep his hands off of Jahmene's head for some odd reason. Dermy, I do love you, but you can be an odd one. 

First ad break and already I'm in danger of ODing on crispy M&Ms. I might be in danger of a carb coma. Mmmm, carbs. Damnit, now I want a pizza. Nommmmm. There's a break on for Plenty kitchen roll and I have to say, when the fake Spanish bloke talks about Jill from 'Wolveringhampton' I do do a little lol. It's a slightly shameful one, but it's a lol nonetheness.

There's an ad on for Frank Bruno's 'shocking story' in the Sunday Mirror tomorrow. Is Frank Bruno even still a thing?

Christopher Maloney is on next for Gary and the overs. Gary says he doesn't want to change Christopher cos he's great as he is, but I hasten to disagree. Louis has the cheek to call him 'Mr Cheese' though. FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US JEDWARD, FOLKS.

Christopher is doing Alone by Heart, which is one of my guilty pleasure, sing-with-the-desk-fan-blowing-in-my-face songs on my Desk Karaoke playlist. I cheese the shit out of that one, but he's trying to make it a bit more rock ballad, along with some cocktail bar scenario going on in the background which is just well weird. He's also grinning oddly, given that it's a song about heartbreak.

I mean, his vocals are all well and good, but this isn't exactly an original or remarkable performance if you ask me. I stand by my insistence that no one will buy his records, outside of grannies, but apparently no one agrees with me. Nicole thought he was fantastic and is very impressed. Louis says he gave it everything, possibly too much, and says it was very cabaret and cruise ship. It makes me feel icky, but he might have a point. Tulisa says the magic word that he's not current, Gary says he doesn't need to be current. Umm, ok then....

Next up, a Slightly Different Direction. Or Union J as they're apparently known as. To be honest, I'm struggling to tell the difference between the two boy bands that Louis has, since they're all shite, generic and bland. But then that's my reaction to basically all boy bands ever, so I may be a bit biased. Louis is yabbering on in the VT about how he knows more about boy bands than Gary thinks, but again, THIS IS THE MAN WHO INFLICTED JEDWARD, BOYZONE AND WESTLIFE UPON US.

Anyway, Another Direction are singing Bleeding Love. They're seemingly modelling Topman's Autumn/Winter 12 catalogue as they're all in their coats with baldy trees in the background. They wander towards the audience and the teenage girls lose their shit and Louis creams himself in his chair. It's just missing a dozy Irish lad to be exactly, completely like One Direction. Seriously, it's slightly terrifying.

Tulisa tells them it's much better, a much better song choice and says they have a lot of potential because of a strong female following. Gary says it's a total transformation from last week and again takes pot shots at Louis. Nicole does the fake-out 'I hate to be the one to break it to you' thing, and says they have everything, and that they'll sell out the O2 one day. And be selling O2 phones in Carphone Warehouse about three years after that.

Union J, behold your futures....

We're back, and Ella is up next and we see Brian Friedman (I think) trying to weasel some information out of her about her love life, which is slightly creepy since she's 16. Then, of course, there's all the rumours about her and George from Union J. Who the hell cares if she has a crush on some other teenage kid on the show? Leave the poor girl alone. They talk about it here under the guise of 'ooh, it's love and heartbreak week, does she know anything about love or relationships cos she's a kid' but it's clearly a very manipulative attempt to create publicity out of teenage kids in a very bizarre and stressful situation. But anyway.

She's singing Loving You by Minnie Riperton and she actually manages to hit that high note. Holy effing shit. As you all know, I try my best to be as cynical as possible about this show, but she is honestly fantastic. Gary talks about the risk in the high note, but says that she completely nailed it. I can't imagine how nerve wracking it would be to have to sit that note on stage. Nicole says she's timeless, she's not a fad. Louis goes on about her being a worldwide recording artist, but has a go at Tulisa for trying to style her like Adele, but given that Ella has always done the whole 60s vibe, shut up Louis.

Apropos of nothing, but I want some soup. Bloody adverts, I'm so flipping suggestible. 

James Arthur is next and he takes Nicole to a pub where she apparently had some pork scratchings. Which she then had to gargle down with a pint. Lol. He's doing No More Drama so Nicole has Mary J Blige call him up. As you do, like.

He's got his coat on too, must be a right draught up on thon stage. Air con must be banjaxed or something. That must be it. Although it's making me want to wear my coat too. I got a lovely winter coat about March or so this year, and I literally had to tear it off me, I loved it so much and wanted to wear it all the time. James here seems to have mixed feelings about his coat, cos he keeps grabbing at it like he wants to take it off. Maybe it's itchy, it's that sort of wool that looks lovely but itches the crap out of you. I know that feel, bro, I'm a slave to fashion too.

I luvs coatz

Anyway, Louis loves it. Personally I wasn't that sold, it was a tad too shouty, but Tulisa thinks it was great cos he has so much pain in his voice. Gary says he can really, really sing but I wasn't hearing it there. Although in all fairness, it's sort of just one of those songs that doesn't afford a lot of room for big singing, it is all about the emotion. Nicole fawns all over him, of course.

Lucy is on next, and of course, her granny died this week so she's crying all over the VT. Which is perfectly natural, and I feel so sorry for her, I just hate the way they use it like this. She isn't trying to use it for anything, but the show is. Apparently she's doing an upbeat song and wants to make people laugh. And it's Gold Digger. Which is definitely not what I'd expect from her. She's got her guitar but there's production all over it, and she raps it and everything. This is actually really good. There are too many people on here that I like and cant really slag off that much. I even like her wee wooly hat. FFS, WHY IS THE X FACTOR TRYING TO RUIN MY SARCASTIC SKILLS??!!

Gary says it was great, Nicole says she swagged it out and made it her own, Louis loved her, Tulisa is proud of her for not going for the sympathy vote (even if the show tried to). And everyone was distracted by the bodypopping dancers, it seems.

Lucy got swag, y'al

District 3 are next. I might take a nap, something tells me I won't miss much. Louis thinks they can sing anything in the VT, and there's a lot of drama over the song choice too. Apparently they wanted to sing either Bieber or One Direction. Louis (rightly, for once) pooh-poohs the idea. They're doing I Swear by Boyz II Men which, in the VT, the band says they're worried about because it's a boy band doing a boy band song. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU SANG ONE DIRECTION YOU FUCKING TWATHATS?!?!?!!

They're on a rotating plinthy thing and it's the most interesting thing about the song. Tulisa thinks that they have great harmonies and that's why Louis picked that song for them. Gary goes full tilt in the opposite direction. He says they were all over the place, the song choice was wrong, the harmonies were off, etc etc etc. Louis is having a full conniption in the background, to which no one is paying attention. Nicole says they had good harmonies even though the last note was a bit flat but says she wants something more from them, like rubbing baby oil all over their bodies. Awk-ward. Nicole needs a cold shower.

Jade is next, singing Love is A Losing Game. Her tone is so unique to her that you almost forget that this is an Amy Winehouse song. And while I do really like the ton of her voice, the one thing she lacks here is the pain that Winehouse brought to the song. It isn't lacking in emotion, but it's a little too clean and classy or something? I'm not sure. It's hard to sing an Amy Winehouse song with the same levels of emotion though, given that she was a troubled genius with drug and alcohol addictions who died at 27.

Gary says it was amazing, he's stunned by her, blah blah blah. Nicole says she's like a beautiful, rare, exotic flower, and no one would know about someone like her without X Factor. Yeah, but we also wouldn't have had to endure Wagner, so y'know, swings and roundabouts. Louis loves her and Tulisa says she's proven that her voice is strong enough, etc etc.

Another ad break, and that John Lewis ad with Paloma Faith's cover of Never Tear Us Apart. I feel so conflicted about her version - I love the original song and love anything that reminds me of it, but don't like hearing this compressed, edited version that misses lines out. Mostly I just get frustrated when I see that advert cos I just want to turn off the telly and listen to the INXS version on repeat.

We're back and Dermot is in the audience looking scared by all the lunatic relatives of the contestants. He also reads out a tweet from Adele who loves Ella. Aww, I'm chuffed for her. We need more shit people in this competition, I don't like feeling anything else than loathing and contempt towards the contestants.

MK1 up next, and I'm still on the fence about these guys. Scratch that - they're 'urbaning up' Louis to make him look like a right twat. I LOVE THESE GUYS NOW!!!

They're doing Jackson 5 and I Want You Back. The girl (soz, forgetting names again) has much better vocals this week and he's rapping and stuff on it - this actually works. Which is incredibly odd given that Louis is their mentor. It should be a mess, but if they find the right producers and what not, these 'uns could be relatively successful. Maybe only for five minutes, but still.

Tulisa says they're the most fun on stage of all the acts, etc. Gary says the vocals were a little bit week and that it's a little bit too Glee, and not to let Louis have too much input. I think he's trying to get at Louis too much, but Nicole also didn't really feel it. She says it isn't something that would be on their album, cos they had more edge when they first saw them. I know where she's coming from, but even urban artists can occasionally have fun, like.

They show another picture of 'urbanised' Louis and I still didn't get a screen grab. Damnit!!!!

Kye next and Gary is going on about his credibility as an artist and everything. Sorry, but I'm still a bit bored by this bloke. He reckons he's the envy of every female in the country for having Gary Barlow's phone number though. MEGALULZ.

Kye is doing Rihanna/Eminem's Love The Way You Lie and - oh wait, it's an Eminem guest singer mash up? Cos now it's the Dido bit in Stan. Ummmm...no.

Nicole says it didn't grab her, Louis thinks there's something missing and he could do better. Gary and Louis start fighting about what is missing, but once again, I'm in the icky position of having to agree a bit with Louis. Tulisa says we're not seeing what Kye is all about, that he's not translating. Louis has another go at Gary, saying he's doing something wrong, Gary just about manages not to tell Louis to fuck off.

Rylan is up after the break and lord only knows what this is gonna be like.

Nicole introduces Rylan by making a slight duck face, and of course the VT is all about last week's drama and lots of footage of Rylan crying, and puns about Gary Borelow. Apparently Brian Friedman's choreography for this week includes Anna Wintour lookalikes, Karl Lagerfeld lookalikes, and sexy pandas.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!!

AND HE'S DOING A TAKE THAT SONG LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL - wait no, he just starts out with one and then goes 'I ain't really singing that, that was just for you, Gary'. Seriously, this shit just got real.

Ok, so he's actually doing Groove is in the Heart and then is all 'suprise' and starts doing Gangnam Style. Seriously, what is going on? Have I had a stroke? Now it's Pump Up The Jam. And there are dancing pandas.

This is weirder than when Jedward did Britney.

So of course Louis loves it. Tulisa says it's 'blinking entertaining' even if it is a bit karaoke and mad.

And now Gary. 'Rylan, if this was a competition for how many songs you could kill in two minutes, you would win'. He reckons that the bit at the start with the Take That song was the best bit. Rylan says he booked Gary a cab just in case. Gary comes back and says 'that's funny cos I've had yours on hold for two weeks'. Handbags at dawn, ladies.

I really don't know how to comment on all that. Yes, Gary is right, he can't sing, but that was just pure mental. I'm not quite at the stage where I appreciate him as a comedy act the way I do Jedawrd, but it's true that I couldn't take my eyes off of......whatever the holy fuck that was that was just on my tv. I think I'm gonna have to watch it again on ITV+1 when this is over.

Apparently the X Factor app or website or something has been asking who's getting it right, Gary or Louis, and the smugness nearly overcomes Gary when he sees he's winning with 72% of the vote.

Anyway, Melanie is up next and I really, really want her to do well. Her voice is so incredible and she seems so nice. She just seems so genuine and I literally made a :0 face the first time I saw her sing.

She's doing Never Tear Us Apart - I was wondering how long it would be for someone to do this on the X Factor. She's in a weird white flared trouser suit and is wearing way too much red lipstick. She's doing a version of this song that makes it sound a bit like a Bond theme. That's not necessarily a bad thing, mind. I think she might also be making Paloma Faith cry into her tea a wee bit with the way she's singing the shit clean out of this song.

Nicole says it was a brilliant job, that she can do everything. Louis calls her Scotland's Rock Mama, says he loves the way she can do old school and new school and everything (I do query the fact that he seems to think this was new school - it may be in an advert atm, but he does know it's an INXS song, right?). Tulisa calls her a MILF. OK. And Gary says she's great, of course.

And that's it. I'm still in shock over that whole Rylan performance. Everything else has been wiped out of my mind by the vision of dancing panda ladies. The recap of all contestants just confirms that I want Christopher Maloney to leave next, cos he's boring as shit and completely irrelevant and uncurrent and various other buzzwords that they like using on X Factor. I just noticed that Louis didn't call anyone a 'little' or 'young' anything this week though. Here's hoping it returns next week.

Adios till next week, folks!


Edit: Watching Rylan's bit back on ITV+1, ITV stopped it in the middle and said that they couldn't broadcast it for legal reasons for a few seconds, then went back to the end of Rylan's....whatever that was. Was it cos he went 'Rylan's Style' instead of Gangnam? Huh? I have no idea what legal issues there might have been there. If anyone knows, answers on a postcard as always. 

Also, it made no more sense on the second watch. PANDAS AND KARL LAGERFELDS FFS. 

Jonesing for Tucker

The Thick Of It is back on tomorrow night!! YAY!!

Seriously, if this is how much I miss it after it's not on for one week, some dark times are coming once this series is over :'(

X Factor 2012 Live Shows: Live Blog 1

Ok folks, it's that time of year again, are we ready? Are we ready to laugh our asses off, gasp in shock and pinch ourselves to check we're still awake and that this crap that passes for one of the most successful shows in tv history is actually on the telly and not just a twisted figment of our imaginations?

I've got my diet coke and junk food stash stocked to the max, I've got tabs open and ready for lolcat image searches, and I've wearing slipper socks.

To quote Malcolm Tucker, it's on. It's on like fat Pat's thong.

Indeed.

Damnit, shoulda gone to the bathroom first. I apologise in advance for being distracted due to an overwhelming need to peed.

Oh and of course they have Dermot coming on to Gangnam Style. AMAZING. Although he coulda made a bit more effort with the dance - I mean if the Ninja Turtles can do it, so you can you Dermy.

And here come the judges. Meh. Nicole's dress is a bit daft and mental with meshy bits and leather bits and Tulisa's is nice enough, but nothing very comment worthy. However Gary is officially sitting in between Tulisa and Nicole (who is wrangling with her dress to make sure it covers her boobs) - say it together, everyone - CATFIGHT!!!

And with that, they bring on the wild cards to reveal who got voted into the live shows. I could sincerely not give a shit about this. They're all a bit rubbish and dull. And surprisingly it's Chris Maloney who gets through - the one who looks like a squaddie/street cleaner but has a seriously huge voice, but not one that will sell pop records. Like, at all. He falls to the ground and starts shaking and crying immediately. He's gonna do my head in, I can tell now.

All the finalists come out now, too many to get a decent look at anyone but none of them look like they're wearing anything mental. Well, what's the point of that, then?!!

They're doing the numbers and stuff now, so it's more boring stuff. James Arthur gets a big cheer so far, which I don't like. He's gonna be a hate to hate one for me, I think. I was sort of on the fence about him (he very, very vaguely reminds me of my ex in one of those can't put my finger on it cos he doesn't really look like him at all, but there's still something there) but since he's been in the papers and what not this week, I've decided I really dislike him. He just seems like a massive twat to me.

Anyway, apparently they're singing songs tonight inspired by the Olympics and Paralympics athletes. Um, what now? Can you say jumping on the bandwagon, anyone?

We start with Louis's boyband who have changed their name from something that 'sounds like a virus' according to Sharon Osborne (lol) to District 3, which was chosen by the public exactly. Fucks sake. They spend like a minute and a half (their whole VT) talking about it, so clearly they're a band of substance.

They're standing on a platform singing something I can't place at first. Or at second. Seriously, what is this? I'm bored now. Something about a world of trees? They're trying to be all soulful and Mariah-ish with the vocals and it's utterly, utterly bland. Oh, right, it's Simply The Best, but not a version you would possibly recognise in a million years. Cos it's well shit. But they could probably take an actual shit on the stage and the teeny bopper girls would lap it up (euw, gross, I didn't mean literally) cos they're cutesy little teenages with boyband looks written all over them and very little else to show for it. And that's a format that's going pretty well for One Direction so far, so what do I know?

Tulisa says it's RnB vocals (I think cos it had harmonies? Wha?) and says they made it their own, etc etc, but told them to lose the boyband faces. How, with plastic surgery?

Gary says they were alright, they'll probably sit in the middle of the show tonight talent-wise. Hmph.

Nicole says they have a 'special place in her heart', blah blah, whatever. She says it might not have been the best song choice, and according to Louis it was their arrangement. That explains it. He says they're like a young Boyz II Men so mark 'Louis compares someone to a young <black artist>' off on your X Factor bingo cards.

And it's the first pee break of the night. BRB.

Are those yoghurt people doing another ad this year? If they have, I've missed it. Damn, that was genuinely the highlight of X Factor for me, aside from Jedward of course, who are one of the highlights of life. Instead there's adverts for corn and paint. Wooo, party on dudes! Oh no wait, the advert for paint is actually an advert for McDonalds (it's the one with the three painters with 3 is the Magic Number on it) - I genuinely forget that every single time I see it. Get new ad people, Mickey Ds.

Ugh, and now we've a thing about One Direction and now they're coming out. Boke. I'm so sick of those wee bastards. Apparently they love James Arthur. Well, that bodes well for him. Thank fuck, they were just there for a wee chat so I don't have to sit through their singing. Anyway, Nicole introduces The Arthur next.

Despite the fact that I have issues with him, he does have a decent enough voice. He's doing What Doesn't Kill You or whatever it's called by Kelly Clarkson, but it doesn't sound perhaps as daft as that might sound. However I feel like he's a bit lost on stage without his guitar. And holy lord he's trying to be Professor Green with a rap bit? Somewhat sick of people suddenly going rap in the middle of stuff on X Factor. It's getting a bit old now. Louis is talking about him being different and original but for me, the rap thing was neither. Louis also congratulating Middlesborough. Huh?

Gary says that he needs to keep his integrity, not let the edges get rounded off which I completely agree with. Nicole is argue-singing 'forget the traaaack, honey, you're better than the traaaaack'. That's...weird.

It's Gary and the overs next, with Melanie. I have to say, I effing love her voice. And her hair. And her personality. She's just so nice and lovely and then has this mentally 70s folk/rock star voice. As was brought up at judges houses though, her being apart from her kids is obviously gonna be a problem for her. Her little kid with the red hair is so adorable I almost think she's a child actor or something.

Anyway, Melanie is decked out like said 70s folk/rock star, complete with flares and scarves all over her mic stand, and she's doing With A Little Help From My Friends. I'm not sure that I am all that fond of this particular arrangement cos the Joe Cocker one will always be the ultimate for me, but she is killing it, it must be said. For such a quiet, gentle person she is full of confidence and has possibly the best voice there's ever been on this show. It's literally like being transported back to the late 60s/early 70s, she's completely authentic. Her real test will be when she has to do something more contemporary, but it's natural that Gary would give her something in her comfort zone for the opening week.

Nicole calls her a 'righteous babe' but says the song choice was a bit predictable. Louis rambles about Woodstock and hippies, Tulisa goes on about her confidence and vocals, and Gary thanks her for giving the overs category back its dignity. When Dermot questions Louis about Woodstock, Louis is all 'yeah! I saw the movie!'. Aww, bless, Louis.

Bless, he's just such an awful eejit. It's almost like they let a real-life Fr Dougal on the telly.

Second ad break gone, and I've only half a bottle of diet coke left. Shit's getting real, people.

Tulisa next (who, by the way, looks uncomfortably squeezed into her dress with super cheap looking costume jewellery) and Lucy Spraggan. She's the one who does her own stuff, and she will be singing her own song tonight. I'm not really sure how that will work - it might be a bit comparing apples and oranges between her and the other acts. But then again, her talent is more the songwriting than her voice, so it makes sense but on the other hand, this is not a songwriting competition. And on the imaginary third hand, I'm thinking far too hard about the X Factor.

So, she's doing her song which I think they said was called Mountains. They've got a string-y backing track over it which I think makes it a bit blander than is necessary, but I guess they're trying to make her sound more accessible to the usual X Factor audience.

It's a decent wee song - I really hope this girl does get a record deal out of this one way or another, she's a damn sight more talented than the other fluff that's been on here over the years. It's witty but a sincere and honest and touching song about struggling for your dreams and what not - she's obviously not just a one trick pony with comedy songs.

The one thing that confuses her about me is the accent she sings with - it bears little resemblance to the one she speaks with. But then given that everytime I sing, I pretty much do an impression of the person singing, I'm hardly one to talk.

Gary tells her not to leave any of her talents in the dressing room, Nicole loves her storytelling, Louis says she's a bit like Victoria Wood and Kate Nash. Megalulz. Tulisa harps on about how she wrote the song herself and how it stood up with all the other covers etc etc. I would worry that she's not as overly shiny and spectacular as some of the others - which I think is actually a good thing, but I don't know if that means she'll be hanging around long enough on the show. Which is why I hope someone snaps her up so she can have a proper career.

Another flipping break? Jesus wept, ITV're getting their ad money for the year in tonight alright.

Right, we're back and it's Louis's category and MK1. I feel like I've only seen snippets of these 'uns so far, but I seem to recall thinking they were alright. Whether they have more substance remains to be seen, but they seem like they're a bit of craic anyway. And it's driving me nuts trying to figure out who the girl (Charlie, I think?) reminds me of. I feel like she's the imagine of someone but I dunno who - answers on a postcard, plz.

They're doing Something I Think I'm Too Old To Know. She's doing the singing (not terribly well, truth be told), and then they both rap. I'm on the fence, her vocals just aren't strong enough for this, she's getting out of breath with the dancing and getting lost underneath the backing track. She's also wearing Caterpillar boots. Wat.

Tulisa says the vocals weren't quite strong enough, but their energy was great, good to see someone urban, etc etc. Gary wants to know what Louis chose about what went on on stage, and basically tries not to laugh in his face. Hee. Nicole says they're one of the most relevant artists in the competition - 'relevant' must be on the bingo card, right? Louis then says they could be the new N-Dubz - LOLOLOLOLOLOL - and Tulisa says hells no cos N-Dubz are coming back. You heard it here first folks, the Armageddon is upon us.

Bloke MK1 (soz, never got his name) says that the performance was totally 50-50 between then and Louis. Srsly guys, my sides hurt from the laughing here. Louis Walsh as an urban guru. Who's his influences, Mr T?

We've got wild card Christopher Maloney next and the VT is full of the stuff about his nerves. Cos there doesn't seem to be anything else to say about him. He's singing Hero and it's snoozeworthy. I mean, yeah, of course he can sing, but it's so dated to me. Also, whatever sort of jacket they've got him in looks like a bomber jacket from the 90s but dressier, so it's basically like they invented a Scouse tuxedo.

To be fair, his nerves don't seem to be bothering him too much. He's not doing a wile lot of moving around, but then there's not much you can do to that song.

Nicole says she doesn't recognise him without the nerves, but that sometimes you need some burger with that cheese. Making a mental note of that one - cheers, Nic. Louis then accuses him of 'getting a new colour - were you on a cruise ship lately?' Fuckin hell, Louis - you're one to talk. Tulisa says he needs to switch it up - 'if he's here next week'. She's clearly not expecting him to be. Gary tells him to lay off the sun beds. Maybe it looks different on telly than in the studio, but I think he doesn't look as orange as he did in the auditions, but whatevs. At least Dermy had a go at Louis for it. God love wee Dermot.

Right, is it my imagination or have there been like eleventy billion adverts for dancing video games on lately? I feel exhausted just from watching all the ads, nevermind playing the bloody games. Not that I'd play any dancing games, of course My awesome moves must be allowed to roam free, much like a jackal in the wild. And by strange coincidence, my dancing often looks like I ought to be an animal on four legs rather than two, with no sense of musical rhythm or timing.

...not unlike this...

And we're back after the break and it's Louis's last group of the night, Union J. They're clearly dying to be the next One Direction. They used to be a threesome but they added George and now they're 'really special'. But the way Louis says that makes it sound a bit more like special needs. Which says more about Louis being a bit off his rocker than them, tbf.

So they're doing Queen. Oh fuckin hell, is nothing sacred?! They're doing Don't Stop Me and it gets all dancy and they're wobbling all over the notes to sound all 'ooh, look at me, I can sing!' when it actually just sounds like 'ooh, look at me, I'm trying to sing like a woman instead of belting the fuck out of this rock classic like it bloody well deserves'. Fucking children. It's just well weird, this. Not liking it at all and I'm usually jumping around with a hairbrush at the merest hint of this song.

Tulisa says she wasn't feeling it and it was dated - Louis insists it was fun and like 'something out of Glee'. Gary agrees, says it wasn't right and blames Louis, who then says the song was too big for them but he didn't want to play it safe. Yeah, Louis, the edgy funk-meister. Nicole tries to comfort the boys by congratulating them for performing as four piece for the first time, but basically they all agree that Louis is a twat.

Jade Ellis is next singing Enrique Igelsias apparently? Yikes. We have another VT of a mother crying over missing her kid. I don't doubt at all that Jade and Melanie are sincere in missing their kids when they're away from them, but ffs, can the producers not find something else to talk about? Are we really so thick and shallow that we need the sob stories wheeled out like this? Yeah, ok, look what I'm talking about. Off my high horse.

Anyway, she's doing Hero and it's actually really kind of ok/good. The instrumentation and arrangement on it, as well as her kind of edgy-ish voice makes it a lot less cheesy than you might expect it to be. It's all getting a bit urban, and it's a bit different. Well, for X Factor, like.

Gary says she's been hiding away till now but to keep doing what she's doing. Nicole calls her hot, but says it was in the wrong key for her to showcase her range (which I agree with - while she was good, it didn't show off her voice as much as it could have done). Louis utters the magic word - likeability - and says she looks like an international pop star. Tulisa, her mentor, says she's brill and other positive stuff (sorry, sorta drifted off there). I'd be very surprised if she's not here next week, she definitely should be.

Kye (who I kep forgetting exists) and Rylan are up after the break and THANK THE BABY JEEBUS Rylan looks pure mental - face full of slap and some sort of top/dress made out of gold chains I think? on him. Not quite Johnny's tin foil suit from last year, but damn close.

Let's all take a moment to remember what Louis did to this poor man.

Another interminable ad break, that includes one for DIY shop (which I'm only aware of cos of adverts) Wickes. It's the sort of ad that's aimed more at men who take their DIY seriously - what sort of crossover do they think there is with the X Factor audience here?

We've also got that John Lewis ad with Paloma Faith's version of Never Tear Us Apart on it. I can't make up my mind how I feel about her version. So far I think I don't like it, but I haven't actually heard it in its entirety yet. I predict her to pop up on X Factor whoring it around at some point within the next few weeks.

Rylan is up next. Brace yourselves, darlings. In the VT, he's having a ball with the photoshoots and picking fashion and stuff - I get that he's super camp, but he needs to tone it down a bit. And apparently he's getting a lot of shit on the internet about being picked, including death threats. Which is going a tad far, like. I mean, especially when Louis is on the show, y'know? (disclaimer: I'M KIDDING, I'M NOT MAKING OR ENDORSING DEATH THREATS AGAINST ANYONE PLZ DON'T ARREST ME KTHXBY).

So, Rylan is doing Gold by Spandau Ballet. Perfect choice - super cheesy, a super dancy version of it too, but it still has proper singing in it. However. His vocals are not living up to it. Whether it's nerves, or too much going on on the stage or what, I don't know, but he's just not strong enough in the places where you have to really sell it. Nicole is on her feet, fist punching the air as is her want, and Rylan is giving it his best bitch face.

Louis says he thought he's seen everything on the X Factor until this (again, I refer you to the photo above). His vocals aren't strong enough and he won't please everyone but he likes it. Tulisa says his vocals were on point (what the hell was she listening to) and he was fun.

Then comes Gary. He basically tears Rylan a new one, tells all the other judges to be ashamed of themselves for letting him get through. Nicole tells him to stop being a boring old fart, and tries to embarrass him by bringing up the video for Do What You Like which does make him blush slightly. She tells Rylan he was fierce, he brought it and every other cliche in the book and says his vocals were fine. NO THEY WERE NOT.

Dermot replays Rylan's reaction to getting through at judges houses (which was super funny as he looks like he's having a seriously constipated shit, basically) and Rylan says that's how he reacts to everything - 'birthdays, bar mitzvahs, you name it'. Lulz. He might need to work on his vocals a bit, but he is a bit of a laugh at least. And god knows, we need the ridiculous on this show.

Kye is next and his VT is full of something or other, I dunno, I'm bored now. I wanna jump around on my bed singing Gold (and singing it better than Rylan - boo yah), but anyway - Kye's singing....something? Whatever it is, he sounds every so slightly out of tune in one or two places so far. Also sounds like he can't sing so well when he's walking, as he goes a bit wobbly walking from behind the judges to the stage. He's doing Man in the Mirror, which I always take a while to recognise so that's not his fault.

However. It's just not working for me. He's singing his heart out and he's got plenty of energy and everything, but I think it's the staging that's leaving me a bit cold. He's got a gospel choir in the background somewhere, but the stage is mostly dark and it sort of sucks the energy out of the room a little bit for me.

Nicole starts out with the comments, tells him to take the moment that he's worked so hard for in. She doesn't actually say if she liked him though. Louis says he's paid his dues, he's got the talent, he's gonna get a record deal. Tulisa also goes on about how he's waited for this his whole life - seriously, do they think he's about 70 or something?! Gary complains that the production budget was spent on Rylan's performance, which I think bears my point above out. Anyway, they all seem to think he's amazing.

My thoughts exactly, cat. My thoughts exactly.

The youngest contestant is up next, Ella, and I still cannot believe that girl is 16. At my grand old age, I feel incredibly smug when I see youngsters who look way older than their age, and think of how pissed they will be when they're my age and they look about 40, and yet I still get mistaken for a 22 year old. Yes, I know that is incredibly up myself but it's literally the only thing I have going for me in life DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.

Ahem.

Anyway - Ella. She's singing Rule The World apparently. Oh joy.

This girl has a tremendous voice, and you would never believe she's 16 from the power and confidence of her, but what a bleh song choice. Of course, the judges aren't going to have that opinion, but that's just me. And the audience are clapping along. Ugh, they should be electronically zapped immediately when they start doing that inappropriately.

Ella is dressed almost like some sort of 50s Alice in Wonderland, which I am digging. I love a prom dress and tights.

And I have to say - she's really killing it. This is miles better than the Take That version, she has so much more passion and emotion in her voice than that lot of wet lettuces (soz Gaz). She's in complete control of the song and my only teensy weensy little niggle is that she slightly loses control of her vibrato in the final soaring note, but that is a nit pick.

Gary is pure sickened that she sang it ten times better than him, and congratulates her. Nicole gives her a standing ovation, says she's from another planet and sounds like she's gonna cry. Bloody yanks. Louis says it was definitely better than the original and says she's the best female singer on the show since Leona Lewis. Tulisa says she's untouchable and showed everyone else how it's done. Only problem with her is that she's possibly started too high - it will be hard for her to keep this sort of standard up the whole way through.

Carolynne next and I'm a bit predisposed to not liking her cos she's a little bit country and I'm a whole lot not. Well, in fairness, I like a lot of artists that could vaguely fit into the country genre, but they're the more alternative ones not the cheesy ones, which is more her. Anyway.

She's doing Starships by Nicki Minaj.

Yes, you read that right. Nicki Minaj. It's not working at all for me. She's giving her all that with the 'tude and everything, and I get the point of taking a song you wouldn't expect from her, but that doesn't mean she can actually do it. It sounds dated and boring and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nicole says that she did her thing on it despite it being a bold choice but she needs to loosen up. Louis says she could be the UK version of Shania Twain. Who saw that one coming? Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Tulisa nitpicks the song choice saying that it doesn't fit with the theme of heroes and inspiration and shit, which is just stupid. Can't remember what Gary said cos I'm TOO BORED TO STAY AWAKE AT THIS POINT and more concerned about the shooting pains in my left shoulder. That's never a sympton of anything serious, right?

Btw, I am wearing reindeer jammie bottoms. Just thought you all should know that.

Jahmene is next and of course it's all about his nerves. In his case, it really is more than just nerves and it's clear that it won't be that easy for him to overcome them. He's doing Imagine, and he's sat on a stool surrounded by candles. Louis must be creaming himself right now.

Ooh, he got off his stool - Louis might explode. Good job Jahmene is a solo artist and not in a group. Now that he's on his feet, a gospel choir appears from nowhere and he starts doing the vocal acrobatics all over the show. He isn't exactly moving much, and I think it would be better if the choir fucked off somewhere to allow the focus to remain solely on him.

He has an exceptional voice, that's fairly undisputed, but the song choice was a bit meh for me. He did really well with it, but it's just impossible to do anything with that song in my mind. Louis loses his shit over him, Tulisa says he's the best male vocal they've ever had, Gary tells him not to oversing, and Nicole tells him he found his balls.

He's doing his nervous laughter thing when Dermot talks to him, which is definitely going to get on my nerves after a while, but he doesn't look like he's going to vomit so that's progress.

And that is that. First live show over. All in all, fairly uneventful - there are too many genuinely talented people in it this year, the cheese factor is relatively low which does not look good for me. What am I meant to do if there's very little to take the piss out of?! WON'T THEY THINK OF THE BLOGGERS?!!!

As they do the recap, I realise that I still don't know what the hell the song was that MK1 did. Apparently it was Champion by Chipmunk feat. Chris Brown. Yeah, me neither.

Apparently Leona Lewis is on tomorrow night. God she's dull. Gary, Dermot and Nicole are on Jonathan Ross right after this but I honestly don't know if I can shit through more of this shit, especially given that Taylor Swift is also on and I've decided recently that I can't stand her.

I think a palate cleanser of The Thick Of It is required.

Laters, dudes. 

But apparently The Thick Of It isn't on this week. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK?!! Well fine then. I'll just watch Malcolm Tucker describe Star Wars on repeat on You Tube. Fucks sake.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover

Normally I don't write so much about tv shows that I genuinely really like. Partly because I tend to enjoy writing more when I'm ranting about the idiocy of something or other (ahem, X Factor) but also because I find it a bit difficult sometimes to write anything other than 'OMG that was sooooo awesome it's the best show evahhhhh!!!' about the stuff I love.

However I shall attempt an exception to this rule given that this weekend brought us two of my favourite episodes of two of my favourite shows - Doctor Who and The Thick Of It.

I completely agree, Liam Neeson. Completely agree.

Now. Doctor Who. I feel that I should perhaps explain the chronology of my love for this programme to give a bit of context to what I'm about to say. I didn't watch the classic Who back in the day. I'm not entirely sure why, I'm sure it was the sort of thing that kid-me would've liked, but I have zero recollection of it being on tv. I was aware of it existing as a kid, but I don't remember it ever being actually on. Maybe that's cos my mother tended to control the tv (as I was the only kid in the house at this stage, my teenage/young adult siblings being grown up and off to university by the time I was 5 or 6) and she is so not a sci-fi fan. So, I came to DW new somewhere during the Tenth Doctor's run, immediately fell in love with it (David Tennant 4eva!) and became an obsessive fan. I don't think I've ever cried at a tv show in my life as much as I did at Doomsday when Rose gets trapped on the alternate universe, never to see her Doctor again (well, except that she does, and even gets a clone of him for good measure but sure nevermind that now).

I got something in my eye while watching this one. Both eyes, in fact.

When Matt Smith was taking over the role I was skeptical, but I have to say that he won me over fairly quickly. I think he does a fabulous job, and I've very much enjoyed the direction that Steven Moffat has taken the show in, but it never got me in the grief bone quite the way the era of Nine and Ten (and more specifically, Russell T Davies) did. Until Saturday night, that is, when Rory and Amy left.

Note that I order them Rory and Amy - that says a lot. Whilst I tried to like Amy, and certainly don't hate her or anything, I always found her a bit blah. Even the ginger sisterhood couldn't keep me entirely on her side. She came on leaps and bounds over the last few series but I never really connected with her all that much. But then again I'm probably always going to find it hard to relate to a six foot tall model, so maybe there's that. But I always liked Rory more. Partly cos Arthur Darvill is just a much better actor than Karen Gillen, and cos he's funnier and cos I actually think he had better chemistry with Matt Smith, but for whatever reason, he was always my favourite of the two.

Which is why I was taken aback at his abrupt departure care of the Weeping Angels. I mean, I knew they were both leaving so when they woke up in the graveyard after jumping off the roof to create the paradox obviously something else had to happen, but I was sort of just hoping that they'd choose to give it up. Or that at least we'd get some build up. But Rory disappeared almost in mid-sentence and it literally made me gasp.

But what really made me start bawling like a baby was when Amy decided she was going after him. Going back in time (hopefully, if it even worked), to be stuck there forever. I didn't cry because I was sad for the Doctor and/or Amy that they'd never see each other again, or sad for River who would never see her parents again, but rather because of the deep but utterly simple connection between Amy and Rory. After all the faffing around about whether or not it was really him that she loved and if she really wanted a life with him, it's been clear for a long time that she honestly loves him. But there was something so completely basic and fundamental about the way that she immediately wanted to leave everything behind to go after Rory. That she wouldn't let him be alone and wouldn't be without him. It wasn't all that soppy to me - RTD would've ramped up the emotional angle a hell of a lot more - rather, it was just there. It just was as it was. The idea of a love and relationship so simple seemed so much more touching to me than the sort of emotional torture that could have been inflicted upon us, but then that's just not Moffat's style. And I suppose that fits in with my own ideas of love and family and marriage - that it's not all dramatic and epic and spanning across the ages, tearing worlds apart, it just is. It becomes as much a part of you as breathing.

 Just noticing now that Amy's down here as Williams, rather than Pond, which is a nice little tribute to the fact that maybe without the Doctor they were able to be a bit more normal, and he didn't have to share her so much.

So I liked it, is what I'm saying. There were flaws, of course, but I'm not going to get into them now. One thing I will mention, though, is that I'm a bit disappointed that we never got to have more interaction between River and her parents, once they all knew they were her parents. Seeing them try to navigate the awkwardness of having a child older than them, not to mention the potential for sheer comedy value, would have been both interesting and fun, so I'm sort of sad we didn't get to see more of that, but if they had to go now, then the leaving was well done.

Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.

And onto The Thick Of It. Bloody hell, my love for this show knows no bounds. I am slightly concerned, however, that either I'm a psychopath or so shallow that I love it mostly for the swearing. Because this week's episode, with Malcolm at his most evil and Machiavellian, filled me with pure glee. Not only were there some devilishly delicious lines, but everyone seemed to come to life that bit more with all the insanity of a party political coup d'Malcolm taking place. The thing is though, I was totally on Malcolm's side. Perhaps there could have been a less deceitful way to go about things, but it is politics and he is dealing with politicians who are delusional, idiotic and ego maniacal all at the same time.  At the end of the day, I believe that he did the right thing, and I was on his side. Although I could understand Ollie's distaste at 'embracing his inner bastard', Malcolm did get rid of a completely incompetent party leader and replace her with someone who at least seems like he doesn't have to practice walking. And he did make sure that Ben Swain didn't get anywhere near the Chancellor's red box. To quote Glenn, "he'd get us in debt every time he passed a sweet shop".

However I do worry a bit about this - that I at least am siding with Malcolm. I can't quite tell if this is a development in the series, or if it's just me. Or is it just that I side with him a bit more now that Labour are in opposition? Or maybe it's because we know Nicola and can see how utterly crap she is, whereas a lot of Malcolm's machinations in the past related to a Prime Minister we never saw.

As much as I love and adore everything about Malcolm Tucker and Peter Capaldi who deserves every award on the face of the earth for his performance, props must also go to Rebecca Front. She manages to be both relatable and almost likeable, yet inconceivably shit as Nicola Murray. You feel sorry for her as she's surrounded by fuckwits, seems to have an utterly horrible family and marriage, and is generally the face of despair. But at the same time, you don't want her to be in charge of changing a lightbulb. She has zero useful ideas or initiatives, little political courage, nothing in the way of diplomatic or negotiating skills, is crap when speaking in public, and hyperventilates at every emergency. Thus we can't help but agree with Helen when she responds with an incredulous "Did you?!" when Nicola sadly and regretfully sighs that she really thought she could be Prime Minister.

Another bright spark of this episode was the very welcome return of Miles Jupp as the even more useless John Duggan. I very much hope we see more of him in the rest of the series. He's just so awful, yet completely hilarious, in every single word that he utters. It's just pure delight watching him at work.

And with that, here's a list of my favourite lines from this week's episode. Warning - this might end up being basically the entire script.

Malcolm (ordering flowers to be sent to Nicola post-resignation): "Have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that reads 'Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you're a waste of fucking skin'. Yeah, waste of skin"

Ollie: "Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?"
Malcolm: "No, no, it's one of the many advantages of living close to an accident blackspot."

Ollie: "Is this it then? Is she fucked?"
Malcolm: "Like Caligula's favourite watermelon."

Malcolm: "It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong."

Nicola: "The Guardian seem to hate me more than the Prime Minister. What's next, am I going to get spat at on the street by Michael Palin?"
Malcolm: "That's unlikely, he's really a very nice man."

Duggan: "I come bearing broadcast journalists. Sounds almost sexual, doesn't it?"

Duggan: "It's alright drinking on trains, isn't it? It's one of those places where it's acceptable to drink at any time of day, isn't it? Like a casino. Or Cardiff. What? It's not racist, I could've said Glasgow, or Dublin."

Malcolm: "I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves."

Malcolm: "I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked. Heavily and repeatedly. Like a horse in the Hebrides."

Swain: "And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for Northern Ireland? I'm not fucking going there."

Ollie: "How is Terri?"
Glenn: "She's entering her dog in Britain's Got Talent."

Glenn: "Ollie, come on, this is the shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi."

Swain: "Might head in the direction of confection. Any snackage, anyone?"

Dan Miller: "I'm offering him Chancellor but I may as well be offering him bass player in the Wurzel's because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any Cabinet of mine."

Ollie: "Anytime a decision has to be made about anything, she just starts flapping about like Christ in a crucifix shop."

Nicola: "You're not gonna try and talk me off the ledge, are you? Because I've got to say, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now."

Nicola: "Can you ring James, actually? Cos he'll just be all smug on the phone and then I'll end up asking for a divorce and that's exactly what he fucking well wants me to do and I just know I'll end up with the fucking kids."

Malcolm: "Somebody get me a fucking Fanta!"

Dan Miller: "Please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man."

Like I said, practically the whole script. It's that good. And in writing up these lines, I'm reminded of an absolutely fucking fantastic scene from the last opposition episode a few weeks ago:

Malcolm: "It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?"
Ollie: "What film?"
Malcolm: "The one about the fucking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. Lego, they're all made of fucking lego."
Ollie: "Star Wars?"
Malcolm: "It's like that, alright, you want to fucking kill all the bad guys. And you'll be able to blow up the big..."
Ollie: "The Death Star."
Malcolm: "The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears."

That might be the best description of Star Wars ever.

"We're the MTV generation. We feel neither highs nor lows"

Is it just me or is the world really bloody miserable at the minute? Despite my natural penchant for pessimism I have actually been trying to be a bit more positive about things in general, but on days like this it really feels like we're just going to hell in a handcart, no matter what we do.

There's near-apocalyptic weather that's resulting in floods all over the British Isles. The government gets increasingly useless by the day. The economy and employment rates are in the shitter, particularly in Northern Ireland. Headlines are full of crime and abuse and car crashes. The most positive story on the BBC news website for NI at the minute is about new buses. Yay.

And it's not that I think that the news media should be selling us good news stories to hide the reality of the situation that we're in - people need to rememeber that the economy is still fairly fucked, and that the government is still shite, and that the NI assembly, at least, are about as much use as scuba gear for penguins. Well, I'm presuming that scuba gear wouldn't be much use for penguins since they can swim fine on their own, but maybe they want to get into deep sea diving or something, what do I know?

My point is, why is the world so feckin miserable and apathetic? Why isn't there someone or something riling us up to overthrow the government or to make things better for ourselves? Why don't we care? I honestly have no idea. I like to think that I have principles and values that I would fight for (not necessarily in a literal sense since I bruise like a Ross Geller), and I want someone or something to come along and inspire me. But anytime inspiration pops along, it seems to let us down and disappoint. Is that because our expectations are too high? We expect everything to be perfect but we don't do a damn thing about it when it's not? Is it because of too much tv, too much capitalism, too much consumerism, too much materialism, too much McDonalds?

I genuinely have no answers, by the way. I'm just wondering. You'd think that with so much of life being so bleak these days that there would be any number of vacuums to fill the void of hope, inspiration and the desire for change, but there doesn't seem to be. I mean ok, we had the Olympics, and that was great - despite being in no way a sports fan, I got really swept up in it but just a few short weeks later and I'm considering the hermit life. If nothing else, it'd keep me dry and away from this rain. So long as I found a cave on high ground, I guess.

I often feel somewhat envious of people (like my parents and siblings) who lived in somewhat harsher times, when there was really something to fight against. They lived through the civil rights movement of the 60s, the horrendous Troubles, the possibly even more horrendous Margaret Thatcher (side note: my sister - a student in the late 80s - once chased a car thief in her pyjamas and slippers with an anti-Thatcher placard. True story). By the time I was a student, no one gave a damn about any kind of politics or issue other than what bar to go to. There were no marches, no protests, no kind of political awareness, even.

But we still have so much to fight for. Even the protests against the coalition have died down, despite them being as shit and stupid as ever.

And rather tellingly, I've just run out of steam writing this. Says it all, really, doesn't it?

The times, they need to start changing.

I need a new start.

This has no relevance to this post whatsoever, but I like it so I'm putting it here anyway. That's just how I roll.

I have no idea what that should be, or look like, or really have even the slightest clue what it should involve. I just know that things have to change.

I've been very adament since turning a certain number that I still don't like to say/type out loud that I still feel young. And I do, in a lot of ways. Unlike most of my friends from university I don't feel the need to settle down or act like an old aged pensioner. I still like to actually go out and enjoy myself and don't think that there's any such thing as being too old to go out and dance and what not. I also love Muppets more than a grown woman should, so that definitely helps keep me young.

But I am feeling like I'm getting too old to still be stuck in a rut, waiting for real grown up life to begin. If anything is going to change, I have to do something about it now before it really is too late and before I really am too old for it.

And whilst there are lots of things that I both want and need to change in my life - my lack of friends and/or social life, my weight, my mental health - it's work that I need to change first, I think.

I've never really understood how some people can just be happy in any old job. How they can be happy just having the security of a paycheck coming in every month, regardless of whether or not the job means anything to them or whether they feel like they're achieving anything in life. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging people like that - I'm not. They just have different priorities to me. Maybe they just care more about their family life and relationships and what not and see a job as just a way to pay the bills. That's fine, but it's just not me. Maybe partly because some part of me has always been aware that I'm not exactly blessed in the friendship/relationship/dealing with people department, but I've always felt like my job would be what I'm about. That I needed a career where I felt fulfilled, that that would be my purpose in life.

And maybe being in a job that is so....not any of those things...is part of what makes me so miserably unhappy with my life. I don't know why I always thought it would be so easy though. I somehow managed to get through a good 20-odd years of my life thinking that being a good student and having a passion for something would be enough. I have no idea where I got this idea from. Although my siblings would contend that I was spoiled because I was the youngest by almost a whole generation, I definitely did not have any sort of priviledged upbringing. My parents are working class, they come from working class backgrounds and we never had much of anything when I was a kid. I was always acutely aware of the value of money, that things didn't come easily and that our family never had the best of luck, so colour me perplexed that I somehow grew up with this fantasy that things would just fall into place and that I'd be some award-winning writer by now.

Maybe fantasy is the key word there - maybe I got too caught up in various fantasies as coping mechanisms throughout my life and didn't want to let go of them and have to view the world as it really was. But that is both a conversation for a therapist, and besides the point right now.

For the point is that I have to do something. I have to take some risks and do some hard things to make a change. I honestly don't know how I will get through the rest of my life like this if I don't. At this point I don't even feel like it's a choice anymore, I feel like it's do or die.

But what to do? I have no idea. I know what I've always wanted to do - write. But how the hell do you make a career out of that? Plenty of people more talented and more driven than me have failed. I'd be happy in some sort of media-ish job that gave me a bit of spare time to write, and that might give me contacts that could one day lead to something, but "some sort of media-ish job" is not very specific. What I'm experienced in is so niche and specialised that it's pretty much impossible to find employment doing the same thing elsewhere.

Pretty much my attitude to life right now.

So what else do I do? Do I re-train in something? And if so, what? And where? I basically want to be Charlie Brooker, but there's no training course in that, sadly. Although if there were, I reckon I'd be a shoe-in. Telly addict? Check. Quite the geek? Check. Miserablist who's never happier than when ranting and complaining about the world and media? Hells to the yeah.

I know that I can't just snap my fingers and immediately change my life. I know that it will take time, and will power, and stamina and that I'll have to face a fair amount of rejection. But if I could just start moving in the right direction, that'd be something. I want to and I feel at least a bit more energized about this than normal, but I genuinely do not know what direction I need to be moving in. I have no idea how to get to where I want to go, and no idea how to find out.

I mean if I want to be a writer, does that mean that I want to go into journalism? I entertained the notion of being a reporter for a brief time in my early teens, but that was mostly a desire to be Lois Lane, I think. I'd love to write blog/column/opinion type pieces (much the way Brooker does - you see a pattern here?) but I don't know if journalism is necessarily the right way into that, especially as I wouldn't be either that good at or interested in news reporting.

So should I just keep writing in my spare time, maybe take whatever part-time writing courses I can find the time and money for and accept having a less than stellar, but still vaguely related media job? Ok, but what should that job be? There is a job that I want, and it's one that I've applied for recently, but it's also the sort of job that probably several thousand other people applied for so my chances are somewhere around slim to none. And it's also the kind of job that hardly ever comes along.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, internetz.

 
I guess all I can do for now is just keep looking, keep trying to think of new things to look for/places to look for something that might vaguely fit me, and keep writing. I've definitely been falling behind with writing over the last while. It's a big ask sometimes to overcome the inertia, the exhaustion, the pissed-off-at-the-world-and-everything-in-it-ness, but I sure as hell won't get anywhere if I don't try. So while I may not have all the answers, or even the right questions at the minute, I can at least write. 

Hunt for Health. Fuckin hell.

Right, I haven't posted here in a while and I was hoping that I'd maybe come back to the oul blogging thing with something sensational and insightful and inspiring and generally amazing and brilliant and really well thought out, but today's cabinet reshuffle has somewhat taken over my best intentions and I need to have a bit of a rant about that instead.

WHAT THE FUCK IS CAMERON AT YOU FUCKING PLASTIC FACED POSHTARD FUCKING FUCKER?!?!?!!!

Giving Jeremy Hunt - the biggest fucking tool in his cabinet, possibly (and god knows, that's saying something), and giving him a PROMOTION???? To the fucking HEALTH DEPARTMENT???!!! Jesus fucking wept. We'll be lucky if the NHS lasts till the end of the day with that wee wankshaft in charge.

I mean for pity's sake, has he no sense?! Everything that Hunt the Cunt fucked up over the News International bid, the fact that inquiry clearly showed him up to be an idiot who couldn't run a paper round let alone a bloody ministry, and who had no idea of what was and wasn't professionally appropriate. I mean, how did he get to be a minister in the first place, was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a government minister" things? 

To let him stay in the cabinet at all was bloody ridiculous, this was Cameron's opportunity to get him out quietly without having to fire him after all the News International bid stuff, but to give him Health?! The health service in the UK is in complete disarray, it needs completely reorganised and reinvigorated, and its principles and priorities re-examined and reaffirmed. It does not need reduced to cinders, which is what will happen approximately 3.5 hrs after Hunt gets to his new office. There is no way in hell he is competent enough - let alone inspired, insightful or astute enough - to make the sort of changes that need to be made. 

This is quite literally people's lives that Cameron is dicking around with - I mean, would you want this twat:

anywhere near your healthcare decisions?

Just when you think the country can't get any more screwed, along come the Tories. Well done, lads. Well done.

I'm with Mitt stupid

So I guess by this point we've all seen that Mitt Romney - as of last night, the official Republican nominee for the 2012 US presidential election - has launched an iPhone app which mis-spells America as Amercia. And, as you can imagine, I'm having waaaaay too much fun with this. Here are just a few - something tells me I might be spending a lot of my time today doing this...

Update:

I couldn't resist adding some more...

Huh?

Ok, I has a confuse. So as the entire world probably knows by now, Obama has publically confirmed his support for gay marriage. We all know that this is nothing new, that he really did support it, but he was reticent to come out and say it in so many words for fear of backlash from more conservative types or whatever.

So, in response to this, the BBC has posted two opposing viewpoints on Obama's announcement here. And I'm a bit confused by the conservative argument. The guy doesn't come across as some sort of Fox pundit right-wing nutjob or anything, it's not like he's just spouting bile and bigotry, he's trying to make some sort of well-reasoned point, but I still don't understand his article at all. I mean, I literally don't know what he is trying to say. He talks a lot about the history of the civil rights movement in the southern states of America, and a lot about how media and popular culture outweighed local popular opinion. I see where he's coming from with that, but as soon as he starts talking about Christianity, he loses me.

America is such a fucking weird place to me, and to many people outside of it. And, I suspect, to many people inside of it. They've had separation of church and state written into their constitution from the get go, yet no one will ever be elected their president in my lifetime, I think, who does not express and live a Christian faith. Why do conservatives keep bringing Christianity into this argument about gay marriage? Why do they think it's ok for them to enforce their religious beliefs onto the rest of the population? It doesn't matter if these conservative Christians are the minority or the majority - their constitution clearly forbids religion having anything to do with the law or the way that the country is run. They're free to believe whatever they want, they're free to preach whatever they want in their churches, but why do they think they can make that law?

I don't ask these things as an outraged, bleeding-heart liberal (although I freely admit to being all of those things), I'm genuinely confused by the argument. I wanted to read his thoughts because I wanted to try to understand where it is that these people are coming from when they oppose gay marriage, but I just cannot get my head around what it is that this guy, at least, thinks. He seems to be saying that his conservative, traditionalist Christian view is that gay marriage is morally wrong. Ok. I get that much. But I just do not see any sort of legal argument for why his belief should be enshrined in law. There's lots of things I believe to be right and wrong, but I don't necessarily think that there's any basis for making laws out of those things. I just don't understand. I'm genuinely, really confused.

And I'm even more confused about the arguments that it's somehow detrimental to Christian churches for the law to oppose the things that they teach. That by making laws that are on the other side to the churches on particular issues, that it's somehow making it illegal or harder for the churches to preach what they believe? Lots of laws stand in opposition to what various churches believe and preach. For instance, the Catholic Church is opposed to divorce, abortion, contraception, sex outside marriage, and the death penalty, but no one is seriously arguing that the church's freedom to continue to preach such things is legally obstructed by the laws which allow all of those things. Or if they are, they certainly seem to be people on the fringes of conservatism.

Or am I getting this all wrong? Do these people actually just want to change the constitution to remove the separation of church and state? Do they think that the founders and the framers and the fathers or whoever were wrong to put that in there in the first place? Is that what they really think, and they're mostly just too afraid/savvy to actually come out and say it? If they did say it, at least I'd be a lot less confused.

 Edited to add: Where I'm from, we have our fair share of reactionary, conservative, evangelical, far-right Christian nutjobs who prevent us from even being able to open shops - during a recession! - at reasonable hours on Sundays. I just wish we had a legal statement of the separation of church and state here. But that's a whole nother rant.

Today's emotion is...

This sums up my day perfectly thus far.

Why?

Once again this is a very poorly informed, completely un-researched rant about how much I hate the government. Not much new there, but since I'm not very likely to ever address this in person to any cabinet ministers, I may as well have a bitch session here. I also issue a disclaimer at this point that I've been watching far too much of The West Wing recently.

The Queen's Speech was today, where the legislative agenda for the parliament is laid out. Kinda like the US State of the Union speech, only with more crowns and shit. There are many aspects of the coming parliamentary objectives to which I am opposed, but one thing in particular really got my goat. not that I have an actual goat. I kinda like goats, there's something endearingly dorky about them. But then I remember the time that one almost bit me when I was trying to feed it at an open farm, and I'm suddenly not so keen on goats anymore.

Ahem. Anyway.

Our glorious leader tells us that the first priority of the government is to reduce the deficit. Now. I don't think that that's particularly evil or immoral or inhumane. It's a perfectly practical and logical goal to have. But I would like to ask Mr Cameron this. Why is that the first priority? Why isn't making sure that people have jobs the first priority? Why isn't making sure that people can afford to feed themselves and their children the first priority? Why isn't making sure that pensioners don't have to choose between heating and food the first priority? Why isn't making sure that our young people don't feel that they need to emigrate to find career prospects and have any sort of future the first priority? Why isn't curbing the terrifyingly steep raise in the cost of living the first priority?

I don't know a lot about economics, I'm happy to admit to that. I do have enough wit to realise that reducing the deficit is a Good Thing overall for the country, but I don't know a single damned person who gives a crap about the deficit. I do know people who are scared stiff about their jobs, because job security disappeared a couple of years ago for a lot of people. I know people who can't find jobs and have no idea what sort of future they're supposed to have when they can't even find a job to pay the bills, let alone a career. I know people who place coal on the fire, lump by lump to make sure they aren't wasting any. I know people whose children are deeply concerned about how much it would cost the family if they chose this secondary school over that secondary school. I know people being forced to give up their cars because they can't afford to run them anymore. I know people terrified about how they're going to feed themselves every single day, because they have to count each penny so carefully.

Why doesn't Mr Cameron think his first priority is to help these people? Why isn't his first priority to the people who make this country work, the people who pay the taxes, the electorate? Why isn't his first priority us?

Complain, complain, complain...

I've been deliberately trying not to write so much about my head and all of my many issues (for which I really wish there was a better word), especially because counselling was really helping there for a while. But alas, it was only a temporary measure (which I realise is better than nothing, but still, it's intensely infuriating to feel like you're just starting to get somewhere, and then the resource is over. But anyway - back to the point). So, given that I'm currently without any sort of counselling provision, maybe it will do me a bit of good to talk about things a bit.

Today, it's complaining. Negativity is a difficult and complicated thing for me. It's a huge part of my personality - I think most people that I know would mention complaining at some point in any description of my characteristics, and certainly being a bit cynical, negative and pessimistic is just a part of who I am, and who I have always been. And I like a lot of things about that - it's just not in my nature to be some happy clappy, sunny, optimistic person who accepts everything around them. It's important to me to question things, to play devil's advocate and see the downsides of things to try to weigh things up, so negativity is a big part of that. Also it's just funnier. It's difficult to have a sarcastic, sardonic sense of humour (which is the sort of humour I've always been attracted to) without being negative, darker, cynical - whatever you want to call it. And god knows I love a good rant.

But dwelling on the negative, complaining about every.little.thing in my life, making mountains out of molehills, and searching out things to get angry and annoyed about - these come down quite firmly on the Not Good side of things. And it's astonishing to me how easily and quickly I can go there without even realising it. There's a little bit of self-righteousness in there too (well, maybe more than a little bit). I seem to get a kick out of finding things to be annoyed about, and putting myself on what I see to be the right side of any argument. Something in there about my high standards, I should think. Maybe I'm constantly trying to find a way to vindicate my way of looking at a situation, trying to find a way to see myself as right so I find all these arguments, even if they're just in my head, and a storm of anger comes down from it.

It gets to the point where I don't know what else to say or think or talk about. I literally have no words left that aren't negative, that aren't complaining or moaning about something. I feel blank inside, like there's just a huge vacuum when I take out the whininess. And then, of course, I get down on myself and start to beat myself up, as if the constant anger and glass-half-empty-and-probably-has-poison-in-it-anyway attitude wasn't bad enough.

So I've been trying to be a lot more conscious of this lately. But when it's such a big part of who I am, it's difficult. I find it hard to come up with anything else to put into my head, to have any other thoughts at all. Which is probably why I end up spending so much time spaced out in front of the tv, trying not to think about anything at all.

And, inevitably, this all comes back down to balance. Finding a middle road that doesn't mean that I have to change my entire personality to be like Alec Baldwin when he guested in Friends that time, but to also not be a complete pain in the ass, and an extremely miserable, depressed and angry one at that.

I don't know why I find balance so hard. I don't know why I inherently seem to oscillate from one extreme to the other. I know that a lot of it is down to the whole perfectionist thing - if something isn't perfect, it's completely shit, so everything starts to exist for me in a solely binary state. But I don't really know why that is. And the question of why is a difficult one in itself. Part of me looks at this as some sort of logical problem, like an equation, or a murder mystery where one clue will suddenly solve the whole thing. And I do think that there's at least some rationale in the idea that if I could figure out why, then I could start to address it better. But it's highly unlikely that I ever will understand why, that's just the nature of these things. Wherever this all came from, it's here and I have to deal with it. These are just some of the rabbit holes that my mind likes to disappear down, to avoid having to actually do anything, to deal with the situation.

So, for the moment I'm trying to just not complain as much. To think twice before I write or say something that's moaning about something that's really not all that important. To stop and think and be conscious of what I'm saying or thinking, before I just let it take over. And as corny as it sounds, I've found that (for the meantime, at least) covering my room in photographs is helping. Photos of everything and anything from the last few years - a reminder that everything isn't all that shit. That I do have good things, and to try to stop the "but..." that tends to come after that. And as much as I don't like photographs of myself all that much, I'm generally grinning like an idiot in most of them and in some weird way that actually seems to help me remember that while I might not have a rose-coloured view of the world by nature, neither am I utterly miserable. I might act like it a lot of the time, but it's not really who I am. I just have to keep trying to remember that.

More would-be tweets...

It's a pretty sad state of affairs when you're jealous of the people on the FBI's Most Wanted list, cos at least someone wants them.

Hob Nobs have oats or whatever in them - that makes them ok for breakfast, right?

I want noms. I has no noms. I has sad face.

I wish I'd bought more than one of this t shirt. I really should've known that a three quid t shirt out of Primark wouldn't last that long.

Hearing Led Zeppelin on the shitty commercial radio station that I'm forced to listen to at work is a little disorientating. Not that I'm complaining, it's just....odd.

I'm getting increasingly addicted to biting my lips. Is this the start of a sinister cannabalism penchant?

And now some Garth Brooks type country shit is on the radio. Hold me.

I identify with far too many of the Socially Awkward Penguin memes. Faaaaaaaar too many.

Shopping for a new duvet after work may turn out to be the highlight of my week.

 Why do I always rip the first tissue out of a new box whilst trying to get it out? Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me? Answers on a postcard plz.

Why is it that I only ever want to do things that I'm unprepared for? For instance I've taken a notion to print off some photos (thanks to my belated Instagram obsession) but can I find a memory stick or anything to put them on? Hmph, can I fuck as like.

These would be tweets if I still used Twitter.

iPad case arrived. Smells funny.

Spent morning listening to geriatric culchies talking about a bus.

Frank Mitchell is a knob.

Drinking water out of a cup feels a bit weird.

I really need Olly Murs to piss off.

I'd quite like a sausage roll.

Finishing things earlier than expected at work sort of freaks me out. It's really not that surprising that I need therapy...

If I feel like I'm getting a work out by drawing on my iPad, I think I maybe need to hit the gym again.

Speaking of which, it's disturbing how much of my day centres around food. Work is just what I do in between eating. I think this falls under the category of "Not Good".

Lady Gaga bores the crap out of me these days. I didn't have her pegged for a one album wonder, but there you go. I really wish they'd stop playing her crappy Born This Way stuff on the radio.

It's bloody tipping it down here atm. Where's Adele when you need her to set fire to the rain, eh?

I have eaten all my food. I has a sad.

I'm torn between finishing up my work at a decent hour and getting home earlyish, or staying late and having a rousing round of Desk Karaoke. I think my priorities may be screwed up somewhere...

It's also bothering me that I keep typing four full stops instead of three when I'm typing an ellipsis. I clearly need a life.

Since getting my iPad last week, I've become obsessed with Instagram. Yeah, yeah, welcome to 2010, I know - but still, I cannot seem to resist the urge to run all my photos through it, sometimes with multiple copies because I can't decide on a filter. See above about needing a life.

Why is Jason Derulo? Srsly, just why?

...More in the saga of George Osborne being a wab.

Shocked, I tell you, shocked!!

 
Oi, Georgie - fuck off.

Seriously - is he having some sort of belated April Fools day joke with us, or does he seriously expect us to believe that he's shocked that many, many, many rich people do their utmost to avoid tax? Are we honestly expected to believe that the Chancellor of the Exchequer is so fucking thick that he hasn't realised that his fellow rich bastarding cronies use every loophole under the sun to avoid having to pay taxes? And is he asking us to believe that he's just figured this out now, that it's just come to his attention? And does he really think that we're so thick that this is going to move attention away from the fact that he's just given these very same people a tax cut, while making the cost of living ever more impossible for people at the other end of the income scale?

I'm afraid I don't have any sort of reasoned argument or debate here - as ever I'm simply too fucking fuming to be able to come up with anything coherent or informed enough. I am just absolutely sick to death of this government trying to tell us that we're all in it together, when they continue to take actions that make life more difficult for those on lower incomes, while the people at the top of the pay scale are barely touched.

What an absolutely, groin-grabbingly, evil git.

He makes Darth Vader look reasoned and civilised.

The Budget Part 2, and other rantings

Ok so I know I said I'd post a rant about the budget last week and about how big a twat George Obsborne is, but I got a bit distracted and busy, and now my ire is somewhat diluted.

I will say this, however. George Osborne, David Cameron and their rich bastarding Tory fuckers are evil gits. In my opinion, anyway. Ok, so the personal allowance threshold for tax is going up, which will help me out a bit. But it doesn't cover the increase in the cost of living, so I'm not actually any better off as a result of it. And I can assure you, that I am most definitely considered 'low income'. I'm not on minimum wage, but I'm not a kick in the arse off of it either - despite the fact that I should be earning at least 50% more than I currently do, given the responsibilities, experience and so on that my job requires, but that's a whole nother rant.

What a fucking twat.

Osborne the Twat messed about with pension allowances as well, in what's being called the 'granny tax', to an extent that will apparently save the Treasury hundreds of millions of pounds, but won't leave any pensioner any worse off 'in cash terms', whatever that means. If you think that those things don't exactly add up, that's because you're right. They don't. They make no sense whatsoever. Because the Tory scumbags in charge are lying bastards who don't care about people on lower incomes, even if they're elderly and having to choose between heating and food. But then again when you're talking about people who are cousins of the Queen and come from aristocratic families, it's little wonder that they have no idea what real life is like for most of us.

Srsly, like, what a punchable face he has.

Then they put a ridiculously huge amount on the price of cigarettes - now, don't get me wrong, I'm as anti-smoking as they come. It's a disgusting habit and it costs the NHS a fortune each year treating illnesses and symptoms caused by it, and there is evidence to suggest that rising prices on cigarettes discourage people from smoking. However, there are also people like my parents still around who have been smoking for 50-odd years, if not more, and they're somewhat beyond help. They've tried everything going to give up smoking, and whilst they've succeeded in cutting down dramatically, they just can't give up permanently. Particularly as it's become a stress relief technique for them, and given that they're pensioners finding it more and more difficult to make ends meet, it's understandable that it's so hard for them to completely give up a habit which makes them feel slightly more relaxed. They don't drink, they don't have any other real indulgences or luxuries in life, and this is an unfortunately horrific habit which makes them feel a tiny bit more prepared to get through the day, so I can't judge them or other people like them too harshly for it.

Speaking of all the cutbacks they've been making, being able to leave the house might soon be one of them, because this budget did absolutely nothing about the continuingly increasing price of fuel. They didn't freeze the duty on it (it's due to go up another few pence next week I understand, and again after that), let alone reduce it. Given that this comes from people who have chaffeur-driven cars to get around the corner, I find this hard to stomach. I understand that people need to use public transport more and use cars less - particularly when it comes to people driving relatively short distances to work, sitting in their car alone, when they could easily catch a train or a bus instead. But there are people in rural areas, and people like my parents with mobility issues who simply can't go about anything resembling a life without their car. The cost of fuel is forcing them to have to give up their cars and significantly reducing their standard of living. How happy would you be if you couldn't leave the house to visit people, if you couldn't go further than a quarter of a mile to a shop (and end up having to spend more at the shops closer to you than be able to go to supermarkets with better deals), and if you were never able to attend any family event without having to find someone to impose upon for a lift, if that were even possible? For pensioners like my parents who aren't getting out to work everyday anymore, that's a huge blow. It might sound like that's being fussy in a recession, where we all have to make do and tighten our belts and so on - but just imagine how it would feel to have worked your whole life, to have nothing to show for it when you've gotten to the stage that you're unfit for work anymore, that you're having to struggle to make ends meet, and the little tiny things that bring you some sense of comfort or normality like being able to go across town to visit family, or nip down to the supermarket, are taken away from you?

Yeah, we're all in it together. My fucking arse we are.

If someone can explain to me why this budget just continued to put more and more pressure on those already on the lowest incomes and in the worst situations, yet gave a tax cut to the highest earners in society, I'd really appreciate that. Maybe I'm being too emotionally swayed by my own and my parents' situations, but we aren't alone in this. There are thousands, millions of people around the country in the same boat. They haven't ended up there because they're lazy, or they don't work hard enough or they can't be bothered or because they want to live beyond their means. They've just had bad luck - to get stuck in jobs that don't pay much and can't find anything else in the current job market. To have become too ill to work and been left with a mortgage to pay into their pension years. To have had the misfortune to live in an area which became run down and degraded by political strife, thus vastly reducing the value of their house when it was sold. And dozens of other such things that aren't anyone's fault, that just happen. Why are people like that being told that they have to make sacrifices, while people earning more in a month than I do in a year are able to get even more money back from the government?

Tory fucking bastards, that's why. I'd like to be able to give a much more informed, reasoned and objective account of last week's budget but I lack both the willpower and the understanding of economic politics. All I know is I'm fucking disgusted with these people, and I hope that the people who voted for them are too.

And on a vaguely related note, I despair for our future. I was sitting on the bus this morning on my way to work and there were 12-13 year old girls at the back of the bus. They were acting in what is apparently the official teenage manner of this generation, which is to say they were being loud, obnoxious, playing music on their phones and singing extremely badly to it. One of them started singing the Cranberries song Zombie, and another one told her, in the most glorious Belfast accent imaginable "Here, that's a fenian song, that's a fenian song, don't be singing that, there's a real version, fer pratenstants leek, that one's the fenian one". Charming. It was only when they starting singing loudly about sticking things up one's bum that the bus driver told them to be quiet. I'm used to kids from this particular school being vulgar, obnoxious and generally hateful on the bus, but when they display that sort of utterly ignorant sectarianism, it just depresses me. What hope does this country have if kids that young - who were born after the ceasefires and have thus never even experienced the Troubles proper - think it's ok to think and talk like that? Children are supposed to be our hope, our future. If those kids are any indication, that's not a future I want anything to do with. I hope that they're in the minority, but my experience suggests that in certain parts of this city at least, they aren't.

On a much more superficial level, also sucking today is the eternal wait for my iPad, having to work on gorgeously sunny days, and waiting for replies to text messages.

The Budget

I'm extremely busy in my low-income job in a small indigenous company who keep losing contracts to a large multinational today, so I'll keep this short till I've more time to fully express myself.

So in the meantime - George Osborne is a fucking dick.

More later.

My Muppets obsession continues...

This is bringing me untold joy today.

The drinking Kronenbourg on the beach is what makes it art.