And something else while it occurs to me...

Something else that I left out of that previous post, or that I didn't fully formulate in my head or something - can anyone tell me why it is that we whine so much to other people when we're depressed? Whether it's people who know about the depression, or just general complaints about life to other people, I don't think I'm the only depression sufferer who does this.

I just complain all the bloody time. It's like a compulsion. What is that? A cry for help and/or attention? Some sort of need to wave my arms about and say "someone look at me, I'm special, I'm different, I have all these problems"? I mean, it's just weird to me, and I'm the one doing it. It's weird that I am so protective and secretive about this on the one hand, yet don't bloody shut up about it (implicitly or explicitly) on the other.

I'm trying to figure out why it is that I have felt the need to bombard people with my misery. Because it's more than just a mere statement of how I'm feeling. There's some fucked up part of me that almost *likes* doing this, that wants to keep complaining to other people. I suppose it's for the attention, it's to have people feel sorry for me and be nice to me. And then I think it just takes on a life of its own. I was talking to my friend last night - an incredibly patient and wonderful person, who has had a lot to deal with from me lately! - and I said that my head feels like a separate entity sometimes, an independent being with an agenda of its own. Mainly, to fuck me over.

I feel now like it's almost as if I have some sort of symbiotic parasite (is that the one where you feed off each other? I can't remember and can't be arsed wikipedia-ing it). Or is there a parasite where you feed off each other but it eventually kills you? That's what I feel like. I keep giving into this familiar and almost compulsive behaviour, because I have some sort of bizarre need to do this, yet it is cumulatively (is that even a word? Clearly I'd be shit at Countdown) damaging me. But I can't cut it out, it doesn't work like that. I need to train it to leave or something. I'm not sure, my analogy has now completely fallen down.

But I really have to pay more attention to that. I know I can't bottle everything up, but I just perpetuate the cycle if I'm constantly complaining and dwelling on the negatives. But there's just something in me that feels like that's something that I need to do sometimes. This has all made me realise that I can't be like that anymore. I need to be "special" or whatever by kicking this thing's ass, not by letting it kick mine.