Rather predictably, things are getting a tad harder each day. Energy and motivation are drifting off a little bit (though the tiredness may be partly down to the increase in meds, I can't tell for sure), but I guess that's to be expected. I'm very much aware that it's getting closer to the discussion I'm supposed to be having with my boyfriend (if I can even call him that anymore, I'm honestly not sure) about everything, and I'm getting nervous. Which is, in turn, making me retreat into daydreaming that things will work out.
But, the point is, I'm still trying. I'm trying not to do that, I'm trying to get my work done, I'm trying not to think about my self worth. I think that's sort of the key to this whole thing - not to sweep my low self-esteem under the carpet by any means, but to stop dwelling on it so much. I will never feel better about myself if I continually think about nothing but how bad I feel about myself. I have to focus on doing, rather than thinking - making the changes I need to make to be the person I want to be, so that I don't have these feelings of low/non-existent self worth. That probably sounds both incredibly corny and really, really obvious.
This is all really obvious though, that's the thing. All of this is stuff I've heard over and over again in counselling over the years. I've nodded my head and said yes, I understand. And I thought I did, but it never really hit home till this past week. I'm trying as hard as I can not to let go of that realization. I really do feel differently about it all now. As I mentioned previously, I used to use this depression stuff as some sort of badge or label to make excuses for myself, and to try to garner sympathy and attention. Maybe I thought people couldn't care about me as I was, they'd only care if I made them feel sorry for me? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter anyway. I'm done with that. I don't want to be the victim or the martyr anymore. I want to kick this thing's ass. If anyone thinks of me as special, I want it to be because I've fought this and managed to be a decent person through it (well, from now on - whether or not I've been a decent person in the past needs to be irrelevant to me now, it's past and gone). And I want to be proud of myself for doing that.
Anyway, that's just some of today's thoughts. As much as this is probably rather self-indulgent, I'm trying to make it a productive and positive thing, even if it doesn't read that way! I do definitely want to start writing about things other than myself and what goes on in my head, though. But I've spent a lot of time up in there over the years, so it's kinda hard to figure out what I want to write about, or even how. I've never done so well with writing without any kind of structure - I like to be given deadlines and tasks. I seem to need some sort of constraints to keep me focused when I'm writing. So I guess I just need a lot more practice at writing to be more disciplined with it. We'll see what happens with that, I guess. (And yes, I'm aware that this waffling does not bode well for that....)
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