Well. I haven't been here in quite some time.
There are a lot of reasons for that. I've been stupidly busy, and just allowed myself to get distracted from writing. And from a lot of other things that I used to be a lot more passionate about. I've had a bit of a wake up call lately, and I realise that I can't keep coasting by, complaining about how shitty my life is, and the reasons why I can't do anything about it. I have to try to change things, even if it kills me.
So here's a thing. Relationships are hard, eh? Especially when you have depression. I think they might be even harder for the other person. It's hard enough if you have a committed, established relationship and one person develops depression, but what do you do when you get into a relationship with someone with depression? Given that I'm the depressed one, I'm only going off of my own ideas of what might be going on for the other person, so this is likely all a piece of shit, but sure what's new.
But what do you do when you think you know someone reasonably well, you have feelings for them, you enter into a relationship (being aware of the fact that she has depression, but awareness is a huge way away from experiencing her going through it), and her depression gets worse? What do you do when this person who you (hopefully) thought was fun and funny and interesting and smart and cool is just constantly complaining all the time, has nothing else to say for herself? When she doesn't even really know that she's been doing it? When you maybe haven't had the time yet to completely fall in love with each other and get to that point where you're in it for the good and the bad?
I'm writing this for a couple of reasons - to try to work some stuff out myself about the situation I've found myself in (I say "found", but it's entirely of my own creation, consciously or not), and to try to write something. Anything. Because that's been a huge part of the problem for me (the depressed, whiny, complainy pain in the ass in this relationship). I've gotten so caught up with various stresses, and liked the idea of having a person in my life that I could rely on, that I've nearly bent him in two using him as a crutch. And I've forgotten about everything that I used to care about. Even just the things that used to make me smile and laugh. I thought that as long as I had him, everything was fine, but I wasn't paying any attention to whether or not I was still the same person he fell for in the first place.
I don't know if I can convince him that this is a phase, and that I've had the biggest wake up call in my life, but I really feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads here. I need to change things, or this really is going to be the story of my life, over and over again. I don't know if it's too late for us, and frankly I don't want to think about that. He's my best friend and I can't bear the thought of losing him.
Right now I feel like I just need to figure out how to change things. I need to take certain actions with my doctor, which I'll be discussing with her shortly. I need to make more effort to find a new job, as that has been an elephantine source of stress and anxiety for me, which just exacerbates every negative thought I've ever had about myself. I need to make a lot more effort to be stricter in work about not bending over backwards for them for no thanks or appreciation. I've been doing it for far, far too long, and it's clearly been taking too much of a toll on my health and well being, I need to put my foot down and stop it. I need to speak to careers advisors and recruitment agencies about what options I have, and how to improve my chances of getting another position. I need to get through the last of the course I'm taking, even if I only scrape a pass, it's better than nothing. I need to make more effort to write - to write anything at all - to try to find myself again, find the things I care about, the person I used to be. I need to reconnect with friends that I've lost or drifted away from over the years, to stop being so reliant on any one person and to just fill my life with things and people again. I need to learn to live again, corny and Dr Phil-like as that sounds.
I think I used to be awesome, once. I'd like that back.
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