Just a few quick thoughts from today while I wait till it's time for my bus.

Today is a bit harder. I'm unbelievably tired, despite sleeping for quite a while (though I had some strange dreams - at least one of which involved a lot of cats) and don't feel quite as fired up to implement all these changes that I was rabbiting on about yesterday. But I will persevere. That's kind of the point of this whole thing. I cannot let it beat me, I just can't. That is not an option for me anymore. Maybe I just need a montage of shadow boxing whilst Eye of the Tiger plays in the background. Now, where'd I put that headband.....

I did go to the doctor this morning, and we agreed to up my medication (which I think has been a long time coming, really). I felt like she wasn't really 'getting' it entirely, but that might have just been her manner. She's one of those people who goes 'yeah, yeah, yeah' the whole way through what you're trying to say and I found that a little off putting so I didn't perhaps express myself quite as clearly as I would've liked.  I know it'll be a few weeks before I start to feel the effects of the medication increase but at least I feel like I'm doing something. Hopefully that will be some sort of help.

Also, the doctor mentioned this website, which I've never heard of before (odd, given how long I've been going to the doctors about these problems, or maybe it's just quite new) - http://www.beatingtheblues.co.uk/ It's a CBT-based thing, you have sessions online whenever suits you, and it's free through the NHS, you just have to talk to your doctor and get them to give you an activation code. I haven't tried it out just yet, but it seems interesting. I've tried CBT before and felt like I wasn't really in the right place for it, but I think I might be now - I feel much more like I need to be 'doing' things, if that makes any sense.

It's funny. This last week or so has been the worst my depression and anxiety have been in years. Possibly, ever. But somehow I feel like I've made the biggest leap I've ever made at the same time. That doesn't mean I feel brilliant and full of the joys of spring and like I'm turning a corner or anything. I still feel like crap, to be honest. And I'm completely petrified about the future and in particular what is going to happen with my relationship, but I really feel like I've made a connection or something in my head that wasn't fully there before. Like something has changed in me and I've realised just what is at stake here. Or something like that anyway.